Hey there big guy. How’s you?
Well, I figured that I should finally tighten up my belt and finally ask you for some advice. I guess to give a brief description of the present situation. My mom has been extremely sick now for about 8 years, I have graduated from college this year and have a job. Right around my birthday 8 years ago (I was about 16 at the time). My mom became gravely ill. At the time I believed it to only last a few weeks; weeks turned to months and months turned to years. I was home schooled since 6th grade so I was pretty much isolated except for my friends next door. For my last year of high school I was at a small Christian school and everyone pretty much isolated me there as the weirdo. Once college started I lost a really great friend, and over the years, I increasingly became tired and lonely. I had some romance but it was sadly short lived and nothing sexual. A couple dates during college mostly. My mom reached the peak of her illness when I was in my sophomore year of college when she tried to commit suicide several times and she almost died by her illness alone. I would get about 3 hours of sleep at night during that time when she would stay awake screaming in agony. Now I've graduated and sadly still living with my parents. trying to save money. Right now I'm really trying to create a life for myself. Trying to find a relationship, I've experimented with being bisexual, but I simply could not commit myself to anything of that sort. Personally I think I'm just desperate for some loving contact. I don't really admit it but I loved it a lot. And it shocked me in a bad way. I feel that I completely missed things that I could have been. Many of my friends seem to be successfully forming lives; they have nice memories through their teen years and college. I had to be a "hospice nurse for that time." I still go back and think of everything that happened, everything that I feel I have missed and I feel like I can't build anything. I like my job but when I get home, it’s back to work, seeing my mom again and such. I never realized that it would affect me so much. I thought by this time I would be just so hardened by it all and I would just brush it off as if it were nothing. I used to be a strong Christian, but now my faith is all but gone. I really want to try and become a great furry artist, but now I can barely finish any paintings and my skills continue to not improve. I want to put this all behind me, and become a new person. All I see myself as is that weirdo isolated freak... People imply it anyway. I just don't know how to take that first step, be an awesome new person that I feel is deep deep inside me, there is just so little hope left; it’s all been drained... Can this not be published, I feel like this is really personal, I don't mention a lot to people how I feel. I keep it bottled inside. Sorry if it is extremely long lol and I think I made it one question lol. That Odd Wolf * * * Dear Odd Wolf, I'm sorry for this very sad tale. Could you help me a bit and explain to me what your mother's illness is? Thank you for having the courage to write. I will ask you just once if you could have a little more courage to let me publish this letter and my reply on the website. No names or places will be used. With those out of the picture, I don't think anyone will know it's you. If you do not agree, we'll just keep it between us, but a big part of this column is helping others who may have similar situations to yours. There may be a number of people who have had to deal with something like this that you can help. Again, I understand if you don't wish me to publish it and I will honor your wishes. Also, about your mother's illness, is it a condition that can't be treated by in-home care? There are more programs available to those of limited income to help with in-patient service, thanks to Obamacare. My husbear has benefited from such a service, for example. Write back soon. If I hear from you tomorrow, I will reply by no later than tomorrow night. Thank you, Papabear * * * She had Lyme disease as well as a malaria like parasite, because of it I like to educate people on the disease and such but that's for another time. As far as I know it has been treated, but the after effects of the disease are still there... As far as it goes, insurance companies will not help with these situations or the government especially. My dad does help out a ton, and hopefully we can rap this up, but like I said it's been 8 years idk how much damage the disease did on her brain. There just isn't enough research. I have a lot of science background in my profession, so I try to think of things that could help her. Same with my dad. We have seen countless doctors, she is seeing a new one soon for a surgical procedure hopefully it works. I think, that people need to be educated about this disease and how it destroys families, you can publish it. I thought it over. Thanks for getting back to me quickly; thank you "lots of hugs." * * * Dear Odd Wolf, Again, I am sorry to hear about your mother. As you no doubt know by now (just writing this for the benefit of my readers), Lyme disease, in addition to causing fever, joint swelling, pain, and other symptoms, can attack the nervous system. This can lead to a wide array of psychological problems (most people don’t know about this, and I never heard it from reporters in Michigan, where Lyme disease, spread by ticks that feed of deer in the state, is a growing problem), including panic and anxiety attacks, mood swings, learning disabilities, and depression (hence, your mom’s suicide attempts). Not only that, but she also has malaria, a disease that can relapse through your entire life. You don’t specify, but if she had cerebral malaria, that could also contribute to behavioral and cognitive disorders. I feel bad for your mother, but it’s not fair to you that her illness has affected you so profoundly. You can be supportive and loving to an ailing parent without it destroying your life, too. My first advice to you, therefore, is to get out of the house. I know you’re staying there to save money, but the price you’re paying is more significant than money: it is your health and your sanity. Without those, you are no good to your mother or to yourself. I admire your desire to become a new person, get a fresh start. To do so, you have to change the environment you’re in. You are 23 and employed, so you can do that. You have to start making a break from your past. Stop fretting about all the things you missed out on because you were nursing your mother. Stop carrying baggage about being a “weirdo” just because you got teased in school. Make a break. The past is in the past and you can’t do anything to change it, so why try? Not that I’m trying to sound like a song from “Frozen,” but you have to let it go. That’s very true, even if it is a quote from an animated film. Now, I’m not suggesting you abandon your mother (or father), but you can’t live this life all the time. One sentence you wrote really struck me: “I like my job but when I get home, it’s back to work, seeing my mom again....” Helping your mom has become more work than work itself. Not a good thing. So, move out, but not so far away that you can’t help when needed. Have a talk with your dad and tell him how you feel. You’ve already pretty much lost out on childhood, God forbid you lose out on the prime of your life, as well. It’s simply not fair to you. If you haven’t already, you and your father should investigate all in-home care options. I find it incredible that you say no government assistance is available, especially if you are low income. In Michigan, check out the Department of Community Health. Read about the Healthy Michigan Plan to get more information on your mother’s eligibility. You could also benefit from a visit to the Mental Health America website. Back to you. I like your idea of starting fresh and also experimenting. It seems your experiment with bisexuality did not succeed, which would lead me to conclude you’re more comfortable being straight, which is certainly fine. You note some other areas that have been damaged in your life, including your religious life and your artistic life. These are things you should readdress in order to reassert your individuality from your mother. Starting over is a good idea. I wrote about this last year in this letter. Sometimes ceremony can give you a whole new outlook on life. It gives you that feeling that you really are reborn. To sum up: 1) Do whatever you can to get your mom the care she needs without you having to live in her house all the time; 2) assert your independence, even if it means struggling a bit more financially, and move out of the house; 3) put the past in the past, and put aside that self-blame and self-doubt that makes you think you’re a “weirdo”; stop putting negative labels on yourself; and 4) assert yourself as reborn and look toward your future. Don’t feel guilty about doing these things. You’re still thinking about your mother, but you should have the courage to look after yourself, too. Only then will you find relief and happiness. Good luck! Papabear
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Good Evening, Papabear
My name is Sabrina and I've heard about you from a friend IRL and she told me you can help with problems and this one deals with my brother Kyle. He's going out with a guy named Chris; there's nothing wrong with him and the two of them get along so well. But every time Kyle tries to hug or kiss Chris, Chris seems to shrug away from it. This happened more than once, and Kyle thought he might have done something wrong or was being too pushy. A few weeks later, Kyle found out that Chris doesn't like to be touched by guys because Chris was physically and emotionally abused by his mother's old boyfriends in the past (nothing sexual happened) and that's why that happened, which caused Kyle to hate himself for being too touchy with Chris and shirk away from him so he won't make him feel uncomfortable. What can I do to help my brother, Papabear? I don't want to see him upset nor do I want to see Chris upset either; he became like a brother to me. Love, Sabrina * * * Dear Sabrina, Thanks for your letter. It’s so nice to see a caring sister like you. The first thing you need to do to help your brother is make him understand that nothing about this is his fault. Chris’s problems are not his fault, and the fact that he tried to show Chris affection before understanding Chris’s past is also not your brother’s fault. Tell him Papabear told you that it is not his fault and not to feel bad. Although Chris was not sexually abused, he was physically and emotionally abused and that is just as bad in many ways. Childhood abuse commonly has a negative impact on the abused person’s ability to make friendships and have loving relationships. Many such victims also become abusive, depressed, even suicidal. You and your brother need to form an alliance to help Chris. First, I’d like to recommend a little reading: Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Steven Farmer. You can also read Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward and Craig Buck. You and your brother should both read one or both of these books, then talk about it, and then give the books to Chris to read. Another thing you can do is research local support groups in your area and see if you can get Chris to attend one of them. Again, Step 1: tell your brother he is not to blame; Step 2: learn about the problems adults face when they’ve been abused and try to educate Chris as well; support him emotionally and try to get him some help. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
I am a submissive baby wolf puppy girl and love dressing in skirts and dresses, however, public outings are almost never an option as I wear diapers due to nerve damage. How can I become braver if I am so shy? Sawina Swiftpaw (age 23) * * * Dear Sawina, This question is relevant to both those like you who wear diapers out of medical necessity and those who do it because they like to (ABDL or Adult Baby Diaper Lovers). I admit I’m not an ABDL person, nor do I know anyone with incontinence problems, so I did a little Internet searching and found this article by Adrian Surley. She suggests a couple of things:
Surley is an ADBL, and she notes that people really don’t act rudely, unless you’re also someone who wears baby clothes in public. THAT does draw attention. Read Surley’s article and see if that helps. No pun intended, but take baby steps. Start with shorter times in public places and, as you get more comfortable, increase the amount of time you spend with others. I’m sorry about your nerve damage. Having a medical condition is nothing to be ashamed of. If, for some reason, you do get asked (most likely if a small child sees the diaper somehow; kids don’t realize the questions they ask are sometimes inappropriate; they just ask because they want to know) just explain that you have to because of the nerve damage. Be frank. It’ll be okay. Hugs, Papabear Nice to meet you, Papabear!
My question is probably not too unique, but it's something I’ve been having a hard time getting any real clarity over. Without bogging you down with pages of medical jargon, I was born with a genetic disability called Spinal Muscular Atrophy, I am 100% wheelchair bound and require a lot of assistance eating, moving; it's... a lot of work; thankfully, I have very loving mate of about 6 years to help me. [Papabear notes: Spinal Muscular Atrophy is a genetic disorder that primarily affects the limb muscles—usually legs more than arms—but can also affect muscles that control breathing and other body functions. Types I and II can be very disabling and lethal, affecting children at a very young age, but since the writer of this letter is 26, I would surmise he has Type III, which, though disabling and increases chances for lung infections, still allows many patients to live a full lifespan.] Lately I've been thinking hard about getting a fursuit, attending cons and furmeets in my area, and meeting other furs. Now while I know there are many disabled furs out there that attend things like this, I'm afraid my condition and need of great amounts of assistance will make a lot of people uncomfortable or uneasy, and though I’d likely be in suit, I feel as though between my chair, and my mate and my 'sona's (I'm a Guilmon and he's an Eevee) we'd be very easily spotted out. I admit also IRL, I am a bit of a hermit, too, so a lot of it may be me simply overanalyzing. I guess my question mainly is: Have you personally seen many severely/chronically disabled furs in the community and maybe what to expect, or if maybe I should avoid the situations for the interest of keeping people comfortable? I've tried asking a few groups here and there, but I know it's an odd subject so I'm at a bit of a loss. Casper Epsilon (age 26) * * * Dear Casper, I know a couple of furries who are in wheelchairs. One, Anpu, is the head of my local furry group, the Inland Empire Furry Association. He has an Anubis mask and sometimes wears a partial. There is absolutely no reason why you could not get a partial (I'd suggest a partial would be better than a full suit—easier to put on, don’t ya know) and have fun being a Pokémon character with your mate. As for being noticed—er, that's a lot of the fun! Wearing my fursuit helps me to be more extroverted and have fun with people, and I would think that it could have the same effect on you, helping you to get out of your hermity behavior. I have seen a number of disabled furries at conventions, as well as a couple of senior citizens who are in wheelchairs. No one makes fun of them or is made uncomfortable by their presence; quite the contrary—I think most furries think it is super awesome to have them join in the fun. A big appeal of the furry fandom to disabled or chronically ill people is the fantasy of being freed by projecting one’s personality into a fursona and living out a fantasy on the Internet, a place where one’s physical limitations are not an issue. Many people like you just play out their furry life online, but there are a number of people, as mentioned above, and as you already know, who will go to furmeets and furcons and meet people in real life. As for needing assistance—actually, many people in fursuits have “handlers,” people who help them get around because your vision can be limited when you are in fursuit, so having someone help you because you are in a wheelchair and wearing a partial (or full?) fursuit will actually not be unusual at all. Your premise about which you are so concerned is that you fear that you will somehow upset other furries at a convention or meet if you appear in your chair with your mate helping you. You and I both know that that is just an excuse to give you a reason not to do something that makes you nervous and takes you out of your comfort zone. Don’t use other people as an excuse not to do something that deep down you want to do. It’s not their fault if you don’t go to a convention or a meet. Go because you want to go. If you don’t want to go, then admit it’s because you don’t want to go, not because you’re worried about other people being upset. Make sense? Remember, you only have one life. Don’t let fears and concerns about what people will say or think limit you in how you wish to live it. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
It seem for a while now I been working as a medical assistant I help nurses and doctors on a daily basis, mostly with the disabled and mentally handicapped. so I deal with an array of medical issues, I help with some type of end of life care, and I have to be so positive I haven’t had time to let out my stress. It’s starting to wear me out. I haven't been feeling happy. My fursona, Mr. Silvius, I feel like he's becoming negative. Are my emotions affecting Mr. Silvius? Thank you, Papa Bear Mr. Silvius (21) * * * Dear Mr. Silvius, I would say that yours is a very astute and likely correct observation. When we are unable or unwilling to express our emotions—especially negative emotions—in some way, all that aggravation, frustration, and pain has to come out in some manner or else we would explode. In extreme cases, this is why you see some people “go postal” and actually murder people. They feel that no one listens to them or that they are powerless and it becomes way too extreme for them, overwhelming them into lethal behavior. I’m not saying you’ll do that, don’t worry. You have found, subliminally, a safer way to release your emotions, transferring them to your fursona. I can certainly understand how your work would leave you sad, frustrated, and even angry. You have to plaster that smile on your face and force your voice to be upbeat even in cases where you know there is no hope. Congratulations on being so unselfish and helping people the way you do. Now we have to help you! The best way I’ve found to release anger and other pent-up emotions is vigorous exercise. Ever feel like you want to kick the you-know-what out of something? Go to the gym and hit and kick a punching bag. Even better, take martial arts lessons, which show you not only how to kick butt but also how not to. By having discipline combined with physical exertion, you can really manage your darker emotions. Other ways to do this are things like running and swimming and weight training. Not only will this release a lot of energy from your body, it will make you healthier, and good health is an excellent way to reduce stress in your life. I think you will find that if you follow one of these strategies that best suits your interests and needs that the negative feelings will dissipate into the air and there won’t be any left to transfer to your fursona. If it doesn’t work, write to me again and we’ll talk some more. Good luck! Be Blessed! Papabear Hey, Papa!
I've been wondering lately if what me and my mate want is a good idea? Both of us like bigger guys and my mate is a gainer. Whenever we chat about how we see ourselves in the future, he keeps seeing himself gaining to the point of being housebound (which is pretty hot IMO), but the thing is, it's like he's in such a rush for getting that big. I'd like to have him bigger (like 4-500 range) and still have him waddle about with me and go places and see things. Am I too much of a short term planner and not thinking of the big picture, or is he trying to rush it along faster and not really interested in what I am? Thanks for your time and help! Owen (age 24) * * * Dear Owen, The question here isn’t about whether he wants to gain weight too quickly and too much or whether or not you’re correct in telling him to slow down his weight gain and maybe just be really big but not to the point of being housebound—the real point is that it is not a good deal at all in the real world. I sympathize with your love of large men (I share it, to a point, with you), and it is fun to fantasize about such things; it is definitely a popular sexual fetish. There are entire subcultures based on it (BBW [big beautiful women] lovers for straight men, chub chasers for gay men). But in the real world becoming morbidly obese is extremely unhealthy. You are subjecting your mate to serious health issues, including the potential for type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, liver disease, stroke, and even cancer. There have been many studies of the effects of obesity on life expectancy and they show that being extremely overweight increases mortality rates up to 30%. I’m sure you do not wish to cause harm to your mate, so I am writing this as a wake-up call to you. The problem is that what you want is extreme, and pretty much anything taken to extremes is not a good thing. This includes getting too thin. Hollywood and the fashion industry seem obsessed, still, with women being thin (although they often don’t concern themselves as much with men, except for the younger hunks). This sends a bad message to people and encourages diseases such as anorexia and bulimia. We even see it with dolls (Barbies), which have been shown to give young girls an unhealthy ideal for beauty. The answer is moderation: neither too fat nor too thin. How do you know if you are too fat or thin? Well, there is a tool called the Body Mass Index (BMI) that many health care professionals use. Normal weight is considered to be 18.5-24.9. Yours truly comes down to 29.8, which is considered overweight and just short of obese (obese is 30 or higher). The problem with the BMI is that it doesn’t seem to factor in muscle mass very well. If you are a muscle bear, the BMI can’t handle it (example: 5’8” and 225 lbs and heavily muscled, rippling abs, etc., results in a BMI of 34.2, which would be very obese—not). I don’t consider myself grossly overweight. I go to the gym and, if I do say so myself, have pretty nice biceps :P ). So, the BMI is just a guide for people with average builds, really What’s even more interesting is that doctors are discovering that if you are healthy in all other respects and exercise regularly, being “overweight” has no real effect on your health. Indeed, the National Cancer Institute did a study that found that moderately obese people actually lived an average of 3.1 years longer than those who were considered to be average weight. Owen, Papabear advises you this way: keep moderation in mind. If you’re going to be pudgy, okay, but remember to eat well and to exercise, too. Keep the supersized chub fantasies where they belong: fantasy land. Both for you and your partner. Buy him a nice box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day, but eat them after a healthy meal. Then go out and have a nice, long romantic walk in the countryside together. I wish you good health and love. Papabear Hi, Papabear,
I saw that you helped out furries out so I thought maybe you could help me out as well. I don't normally like to talk to people about my feelings, but I'm worried that I may make a decision I'll regret with something that is happening to me. Two years ago I met this great furry that lived only an hours’ drive away from me. We became fast friends, and before I knew it I had fallen in love with her (we are both mtf [male-to-female] transgirls). After about 6 months of being friends we tried to date, but it didn't last long with both of us being submissives and always yiffy—sorry if that's TMI. Anyway, We stayed friends, but a few months after that I guess I did some things to really hurt her and ruined our friendship and she never wanted to talk to me or see me again. I moved away a few months ago, and then out of the blue just a month ago she watched me on FurAffinity and added me to skype and was talking to me again. I guess this is where the question comes in: I still have feelings for her. I still love her, but I'm scared of ruining anything and making her not want to talk to me again. What do you think I should do? Hoping to hear from you soon, and thank you in advance. ~Ashley Raccoon (age 22) * * * Hi, Ashley, May I ask for a little more detail in your letter that may help with my reply? Specifically, what happened (what did you do) that harmed the friendship in the first place? Did you discuss it at all? Are you discussing it now as you try to mend your friendship? Thanks, Papabear * * * Hi Papabear, To answer your questions, She did tell me a few reasons why the friendship ended. She told me that my anxiety was so high that it was causing her own anxiety to shoot through the roof and she felt like she was going to have a panic attack around me, but we are both on anxiety medication now, so that's been handled. I haven't brought anything up since she added me on Skype and Yahoo and watched me on FA, but I think the friendship is being mended. ~Ashley Raccoon * * * Hi, Ashley, Well, then, it doesn’t sound as if this is a matter of your saying something that offended her, but rather the fact that you are both anxious people. As you say, if you can both mellow out, perhaps the friendship may be restored. Papabear is not a big fan of mood-altering medications. I find they are often overprescribed by doctors who want to treat the symptoms and not the causes; sadly, too, many doctors get prescription kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies. It all depends on whether you have a good or a bad doctor, which is why it is so important to carefully choose a family physician. Doctors often don’t address what is causing your anxiety in the first place. There are a couple of possibilities. One could be an actual chemical imbalance, which would, indeed, be helped by medication. However, another cause could be psychological in that you might both be dealing with emotional and mental issues that, frequently, stem from something happening in your childhood. Such cases are best treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. The other is dietary. The more I learn about what the American food industry is doing to us for the sake of quick profits, the more disgusted I become. Things like high fructose corn syrup, aspartame, and (they finally admit) transfats are horrible for our health, not only physically but often emotionally and mentally, too. I am not saying stop taking your medications, since I am not a doctor, but I will suggest you avoid the following foods as much as possible:
All of these have been shown to increase body stress and anxiety. The reason I also highly recommend avoiding any foods with aspartame artificial sweetener, which is commonly found in diet sodas and many other diet products, is because you often won’t hear about this from doctors because neither the FDA nor the AMA has condemned this poison as they should. Other artificial sweeteners, such as sucralose, are not so great either. For a low-cal sweetener, I recommend stevia (sometimes sold under the brand name Truvia™) because it comes from a natural herb and chemical companies hate it and have tried to get the government to ban it. In addition to diet, you might find exercise, yoga, and/or meditation to be helpful for your anxiety disorders. I hope that if you and your friend can both control your anxiety issues, you may enjoy your friendship much more. Good luck! Bear hugs! Papabear Hello...
I'm not exactly sure how to write such letters - I've always been rather a listener-type of person and I'm not so good when it comes to speak directly to another person - the fact English is not my first language also doesn't help a single bit. I feel ashamed how long and twisted the final result will probably be, even though a lot of other people have bigger problems than mine. Despite that, I'm right now struggling to not fall into clinical depression. Thing have been getting worse and worse for quite a long time. Problems within family, the Academy I'm studying at. But that's not the major case. At the beginning of this year I've abandoned my best and closest friend - and the scenario that took place prior to that is repeating itself with another person. My relationship is also probably going to fall apart. I've made horrible mistakes and I wasn't able to deal with their consequences. I need to say some things about myself, for a bigger picture. It feels wrong, as I've always been taught modesty and humility, but I'll remain at least partially anonymous - and it's the way others see me. I am a gifted person. I'm looking good, I have talents in exact science, writing and fine arts - and I've been quite successful in those domains so far. I have supporting (though somewhat twisted and conflicted), open-minded family. I should consider myself lucky. But the universe needs balance. I'm also terribly afraid of other people, quiet, submissive both in life and sexuality. I tend to attract unexpected events and accidents, ruining my plans and promises. And most importantly, I'm both gay and zoophile. The last thing might be critical here - as I'm not sure if I'm capable of truly loving other human... I met the person I left - let's call him S. - via the internet, several years ago, like all other furries. He was, and I believe he still is, a good person, altruist, with a philosophical personality. We didn't have that much in common, but also, we could talk about everything, having great fun. Despite him being older than me - more than five years - both my first kiss and first time have been with him. I told S. I'm not able to fall in love with him as soon as our relationship started getting more intimate - shared my fears and suspicions. I liked him a lot, but that's been as far as I was able to get - maybe, not certainly, there'd be still some possibility with other human, but not with him. He comforted me and said he's ok with that. That it didn't matter to him if I'd be able to feel anything more, or if I'd sleep with someone else. We were friends, basically best friends. Of course, he was helplessly in love with me. I didn't realize it for a long time, I was younger and "socially awkward"... also, maybe too inexperienced in the matter. I knew he had opportunity to become very close with someone else at least one time, but he didn't. I was somewhat encouraging him, not able to feel right about myself if he would stay single because of me, but he assured me it wasn't the case. I need to state at this point that I didn't have many sexual experiences, neither with S. nor anyone else. In fact, all people I know gone much, much farther than me. Intimate situation with other persons - until events I'll describe later - happened only once and was both a bit unwanted and not going further than touch. I used to want something more "serious", but was always afraid. I also didn't wanted to "do' anything with my attraction towards animals. I don't judge other people - but would feel it'd be wrong when it comes to me. After some years, I met somebody. It's been... different. The feeling was.. well, I can't exactly describe it. Rather platonic, but strong even despite large distance. To distinguish him, I'll call the person J. - and J. made me feel there's still some hope. Once again, I shared my fears, but this time I had some faith. It wasn't easy and did not happen immediately, but we established a relationship - with one thought in mind: if it's not going to work, at least let's try to not worry and be happy as long as it's possible. J. and S. knew each other before - not much, but still. They used to be in "ok" relations. But as it's rather obvious, it has changed. They both became extremely jealous, had several arguments. Directed some of their anger against me. I stopped mentioning anything about the one in the presence of other. S. became clear about his feelings. Tried to retain as much of the intimacy we used have as possible. I didn't want to hurt him, he was my closest friend. I visited him few times in our common friends' place, not telling J. - I know it was wrong: at the time I just didn't want him to get mad, like it happened when I met with S. openly, during dealing with some official matters in his city... But slowly S.' personality and behaviors also stared to change. Just to clarify, I don't want to make him a "bad guy" - he was very close to me and helped me many times. But he stared to want much more attention. In the past when it'd happened that we had opportunity to talk only two times during a week it had been quite ok. Later he wanted to do so everyday, as well as to inform him every time when I couldn't, explaining why. When I chatted with him I was supposed to not do anything else. His extreme morality became selective: once he stated he wouldn't think bad about me if I cheated on J. I agreed to do things he asked me, unintentionally giving him hope, like an idiot, even though I kept saying I can't feel anything more for him. At the same time, I stopped being sure with my relation with J. We were happy, everything was perfect but... I couldn't do much when it came to sex. It always been a long distance relationship, we both didn't mind it - he always made me smile during our conversations... but I started to be worry if I it was him who attracted me or my vision of him, including his fursona. The situation started to devastate me - as well as other problems that started accumulate around me - incurable sickness of someone in my family, financial problems, life-goals issues and others. I got depressed. I stared to have problems with my school, the Academy. I knew I probably wouldn't pass - something I'd never had to deal before. S. asked me to visit again after many unfortunate tries to find an opportunity, but something unexpected happened in last moments, like many times before [I've mentioned this personal curse...]. What I had heard in response, though as he later said it was supposed to be a joke to relieve the situation, impacted me heavily. I failed my best friend again, I felt he wouldn't trust me anymore because this coincidences. It brought forth suicidal thoughts. I don't blame him for this, I wasn't intentional, I managed to overcome it - and to find another date. But then, after meeting, spending time with friends, playing games... I heard from him it wasn't enough. Not enough to be even called a "meet", to mean anything to him. Some time later he had an accident. He didn't tell me at first but it was very serious. I was supporting him as I could, calling every day, talking for hours while he was lying in hospital. He seemed happy and so was I, that I could help him at least a bit. He was going to need rehabilitation, though fortunately it wasn't nothing permanent. And after that everything fell apart. I was supposed to spend a certain holiday with my family, but as usual, something unexpected happened about day before. I had opportunity to visit J., also knowing that S. was going to spend that time among friends. I visited my boyfriend and other furries he invited, send wishes to best friend. I was able to read S.' answer when I got access to my PC. First time during our friendship he called me names, swearing and cursing. Said I should visit him this time, because of his accident, despite the fact he was already been invited somewhere long before. That I'm the cause last years had been horrible for him. I was scared. He had never said anything like that to me. I knew I wasn't as good as it'd be possible - but I was trying. I told my mother about almost everything. She couldn't tell me much - but said if I allow S. to stay that close, it would mean he might never be able to establish a relationship and never be truly happy. I remained silent for some time. S. called it cruel and begged me to talk to him again and I did. But I wasn't able to keep that long. I couldn't spent time with others, I had my last chances to complete my task for school. It didn't help in any case. S. started to hate me. I received more insults and started to avoid talking to him. One day he left me a note with more direct threat. Then I "ran away". I didn't told him it's over. I stopped appearing online. Avoided picking up phone seeing his or unknown number. I abandoned my friend without telling exactly why. S. sent some messages to J. but I asked to not know what there were about. My boyfriend told me that maybe I should see with S. - but I didn't do it. I was and still am afraid of him. To make things worse... several months passed... and I found out another friend of mine have similar feelings towards me as S. - despite knowing about everything. And I'm running away again... But what I've written till now has been already too much for one letter from a complete stranger. I'm a coward. I've never wanted to hurt anyone, but right now I keep doing this. I can no longer think of myself as of good person. And soon I'll probably be alone. Do I need some advice...? I... don't know. What I know is I needed to confess to someone who isn't involved. I'm sorry it was so long. - Nemo * * * Dear Nemo, In response to your rather long missive, I’m going to give you a relatively short reply. The single characteristic that best distinguishes your letter is fear: fear of relationships, fear of hurting people, fear of failure, fear of yourself. You are literally paralyzing yourself and becoming unable to act, so you react by running away. What your letter and all your problems tell me is that there is something you are not telling me—which is, how did you become so fearful in the first place? By the time you were forming a relationship with S, and later J, the damage was already done. So, your problems don’t stem from issues with S or J, or with school or whatever other problems you have listed here. You need to look farther back and find out what caused you to be scared of relationships and sexual intimacy with human beings in the first place. This would likely also explain why you are a zoophile, because sometimes (not always) zoophilia is the result of misdirected sexual urges brought about by a fear of having sexual urges for one’s own species. My guess here is that something traumatic happened to you early in your life. Most probably, you were sexually molested in a very shocking way and this has really scarred you emotionally. If true, this would explain why you have a problem being intimate with others, why you are a zoophile, and why you are developing this self-hatred. Nemo, this is beyond my ability to help with in one letter. I would recommend you seek the help of a professional to get at the bottom of what is really bothering you. Only when that is resolved will you be able to repair the other relationship rifts in your life. Please see what you can do to find a good therapist nearby. Though I can’t be of more help here, I hope I have steered you in the right direction. Let me emphasize one thing before I sign off here: you are not a bad person. You are a troubled person, yes, but you are not a bad person. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hello,
Just so you know, this might get a bit garbled, so apologies if it does. I'm having a rather unusual and very stupid problem which I know is unfounded and shouldn't be an issue but unfortunately is. You see I am...well, I hate to say 'in love with' but it seems to be that way with the cartoon character Tech E Coyote. The problem I have is I keep on seeing pictures of him doing all sorts of naughty things with other fursonas and...well it ticks me off. I will happily say that is defiantly shouldn't annoy me and everyone should be entitled to having their share of romance with a cartoon character and so on, but it's causing me to be...well angry with people I've never even met or talked to before, which just ain't damn right. I did think it was due to my brain almost thinking he was cheating on me, or something stupid like that, but it doesn’t happen with other male fursonas, only with female ones. I don't know if this is me trying to fool myself into thinking he's gay or something, but I really want to get this to stop happening, I shouldn't be having this happen. I've tried drawing my fursona with him, and it turns out terribly since I cannot draw at all. My question mainly is, is this natural and can I do anything about it? Thanks Stettfudd * * * Hi, Stettfudd, A lot of furries have what is technically called “schediaphilia,” which is an attraction for cartoon characters. Your attraction for Tech E Coyote is sexual, indeed, though you also say you love the character. And the only reason you are seeing Tech E in sexually explicit drawings online is because you are searching for furporn. The obvious solution for that problem is for you to stop looking at furporn on the Internet. If you don’t see Tech E “cheating” on you, you won’t get upset. You know, intellectually, that Tech E is fictional, and, therefore, you can’t have a relationship of any kind with him. Therefore, too, your jealousy and anger for those who are drawing Tech E in sexual situations is irrational. If you recognize this as true, that is a big step toward getting over your “love” for a drawing. The next step is to wean yourself off this character—and cartoons in general—and spend more time interacting with real people and less time with fictional personalities. That’s probably how you got into this dilemma in the first place: substituting fiction for reality. It might have been safer, at first, because cartoon characters don’t hurt your feelings or reject you, but now you are seeing just how unhealthy this can be. Extract yourself from the world of fantasy and animation; join the real world and you will hopefully meet a real person to fall in love with who won’t appear in someone else’s illustrated wet dream. This doesn't mean I'm against cartoon viewing, but in your case it has become an unhealthy obsession, so you need a break. In addition, your feelings of anger might be a case of transference. This is just speculation, but you might have some deep-seated anger issues about something else in your life that are coming to the surface via an artificial trigger: Tech E “cheating” on you. This possibility is best left explored in a therapist’s office. Hope this helps! If not, and if you can’t shake this obsession with Tech E, I would recommend your next step be to seek professional help. While it’s good you aren’t delusional and don’t believe Tech E to be real, your feelings of jealousy are still not healthy and may be indicative of something else troubling you that is not revealed in your letter. Good luck, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Please forgive me for sending yet another huge letter. I have a problem that I simply cannot solve alone, and since you have already helped me in the past, I was hoping you could do the same now. In my previous letter, I told you that I was straight. I wish my sexual orientation was as easy to understand as that. I suffer from O.C.D., and am currently undergoing therapy to cure my phobias, as well as my obsession with cleanliness. But it appears that my sexual orientation is being affected by my condition. A few years ago, I started having sexual desires for members of the same sex. I ended up finding a furry with whom I became friends with and, sooner than most, I started having sex with him. It felt fantastic, and I was happy. However, some time after I did it, I started obsessing about the fact that God would punish me and that I would end up in Hell. I went to the Church to confess, I talked to him, and everything was apparently over. But then I would come back, we would have sex again, I would feel guilty, and the cycle would endure for an eternity. I later discovered that he was talking about our relationship with others, a clear invasion of my privacy, as I told him I'd rather keep it a secret, and I ended up with him for good. But now, and despite my therapist saying it was part of my O.C.D, I feel an urge to find another male with which I can be happy with. But I am afraid the same thing will happen here, especially because I don't know what my sexual orientation is anymore. I am very confused at the moment, and this confusion is crippling my attempts to get cured. I also like girls, but a traumatic event involving a girl in the past make me become afraid of dating a girl. So, am I bisexual or am I just obsessed about having a relationship with a male? Yours Sincerely, C-Ratchet * * * Hi, again, C-Ratchet, Okay, I don’t know where you found your therapist, but your sexual orientation and your OCD have nothing to do with each other. Obsessing about cleanliness and obsessing over your guilt about having sex with a guy ARE indicative of OCD. So, let’s get one thing straight here right away: You are NOT going to Hell because you are gay or bi. That’s baloney contrived by religious zealots who are closed-minded about different forms of sexual expression. Put that worry aside, okay? Now, you really have two separate problems here: your OCD and coming to terms with your sexuality. Obsessive compulsive behavior is something that is never fully cured but can be managed successfully with good treatment and medication. It’s important that, once you find a treatment that works for you, you keep it up for the remainder of your life because, if you stop, the OCD will return. Where OCD CAN affect your sex life is in your performance. It usually does so in a negative way. People with untreated OCD may have trouble being aroused, may become easily dissatisfied with a partner, or might even come to fear sex (clearly not a problem when you were having satisfying sex with that guy). So, what your therapist might be referring to when it comes to the relationship between OCD and sex is the situation with your former girlfriend. You had an unpleasant experience with her that has led you to, perhaps, obsess with the idea that sex with any girl will now lead to another bad experience. Even if that scenario is true, your OCD would not make you gay. If you are truly straight, you would not find sex with a guy very pleasant, it would not make you feel “fantastic,” and you would not be happy about it. So, I believe that OCD may be keeping you away from girls but your true sexual orientation (i.e., you are either gay or bi) leads to your attraction to guys. I hope that alleviates your confusion. Remember to keep your OCD and your sexual orientation separate; they are two different things. OCD may affect your sexual performance, but it doesn’t turn you gay (or straight, for that matter). I’m uncomfortable with your therapist giving you that impression, and I think it would be a good idea for you to get a second opinion from another professional in the field. In the meantime, before pursuing another relationship, it would be a good idea to get your OCD under control. Focus on you, first, and then worry about a new relationship later. Good luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear |
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