Dear Papabear,
I have a problem. A friend and I planned to find a house to rent and move in together. We had attempted it before, but it didn't work out. We planned to wait another six months to find a place we really liked and get everything set. This November is the month we had set aside to look at houses. But before we could do that, she told me that she was going to move in with a coworker instead. This was rather abrupt. She said she was sorry and hoped I could forgive her eventually and didn't want it to affect our friendship. I told her to do what she felt was right. To be honest though, I feel incredibly betrayed. I feel like I have been stabbed in the back and it really hurts. Even when I try and change the framing of the situation, that maybe this was for the best, I still end up feeling she betrayed me. In addition, this has happened to me many times before with various people. So my question is should I even bother trusting and getting close to others if I'm just going to get hurt like this? She really is a good person and is very supportive of me, but I don't know if I can be friends with someone who has hurt me like this. I just don't know what to do. Thank you for your time. Tai Crimclaw (age 25) * * * Dear Tai, If I were you, I’d feel betrayed, too. That was a pretty crappy thing she did at the last minute. Cool, though, that you note she is a good person. How can a good person do crappy stuff, though? This is the problem that many people can’t cope with. Sure, it’s easy to understand how rotten people do rotten things and good people do good things, but it is also true that good people can do some stupid or mean things at times. This is because we’re human and not perfect. What she did was very inconsiderate. I suppose she had her reasons, but when you were counting on her to help you with this new place and then she basically trashes that plan for you with a lame “I’m sorry,” and when all the plans were in place to look for houses that month ... well, that ain't cool. Time for a talk. Tell her that, although you said you were fine with it, you’re really not and she hurt your feelings and trust pretty badly (if you don’t tell people they hurt you, they will never learn that they have done something wrong, so they will likely repeat the bad behavior). Tell her you think you can forgive her, but you need her to realize she did a pretty lousy thing and owes you a better explanation than a mere “sorry.” You say this sort of thing has happened to you repeatedly. Papabear’s theory is that it happens to you again and again because you’re allowing yourself to be a doormat. Sometimes, even people who are pretty decent take advantage of others who just bend over and take it and then say, “It’s okay that you treat me like yesterday’s meatloaf.” Stop being a pushover and people will stop pushing you over. It’s one thing to be a nice person, quite another to be a weenie. If someone upsets you, don’t be afraid to tell them. Otherwise, how will they ever know? Also, keeping all that dismay and disgruntlement inside you is bad for the digestion. Telling someone you are pissed doesn’t make you a bad person or a complainer. You don’t have to do it in a mean-spirited way, but you should acknowledge that you are displeased. Sometimes people don’t realize they’ve done something wrong, and telling them will give them a wake-up call; other times, people actually do know they are being jerks but they think they can get away with it—don’t let them. Be a good person, but be a good person with backbone, and you will get bit less often. Hugs, Papabear
1 Comment
Hello there, Papabear,
I've had your articles appear on my twitter news feed quite often, and the things you help people with are so uplifting that it keeps me putting one foot in front of the other... To try and shorten down who I am, I've got a bunch of medical issues, GAD, RBBB, PTSD and Depression strong enough for suidice, so it's really hard for me to get out of the house in general, and doing it to try and meet someone just makes me cry because I never do meet anyone, the people where I live are seemingly all so crass and dull, nobody smiles on the street, and people backaway from you if you say "hi" as if you are begging for money I've got one decent, good friend in my life who lives ~10 km away, the others have all either simply moved away or have left the good life for the massive amount of drugs in the area where I live. He's a wonderful person and he inspires me to better myself, although I rarely get to see him. The sad part is that he's doing (average) so well in his life that it brings me to tears because of how bad I've done with my life. I try really hard to not show how much emotional pain I'm in all the time but in doing so people think that there’s nothing ever wrong with me, despite crying to sleep 2-7 days a week as a standard thing. My problem is that I can't find people to have a chance at making new friends, I'm extremely alone in my life and it seems that the harder I try the more painful the failure is, leaving me to sit on my ass and not want to try for fear of failure, but hey, you don't succeed by not failing, the first step for a victory is a logged failure. I'm not even sure you can help me with my problem as it seems to be that this entire town is either old retired people or meatheads that like sports and booze. I've considered going to college, but I'm so afraid of failure and the daunting factor of "you must be at school" and I can't take a break when I feel like it. I'm in tears as I'm typing to you and I realise that I'm starting to ramble, so to try and shorten all this down: I'm alone in my life, depressed to the point of suidical thoughts weekly, I've been trying for Four Years to meet people (dating sites, meeting sites all that crap) to only yield one good buddy, which gives me a silver lining that my efforts aren't a waste, but that person I found is so great that it makes me feel Horrible to the point of tears and nobody wants to be around the hobbyless depressed poor guy with mental problems. I wish I could find a lover, but at this point I'd settle for just a friend. I feel that everyone needs friends, and it Really hurts to not have them. The one I have lives an extremely busy life and we can't ever hangout, especially now that he's dating. I'm sorry to unload all this on you, but you seem you be willing to help people like me for whatever your reason is, that makes me smile and gives me hope that this world isn't a shitty place that I should just give up and leave, I've thought about it many times and I just want to share all the love I have with someone before I decide to finally kill myself, the world at least deserves that from me; it'd be selfish of me to end my own life out of dismay despite all of my 1st world benefits I'm just so unhappy all the time despite medication, I'm so sad, I'm so tired, I've almost compleatley given up on live and I would've already if it wasn't thanks to Genuinely Good People like yourself. I hope you get back to me soon, and I hope that there will be some actual peice of advice that you can give that somehow i couldn't see, the people that I come across don't seem to like me for who I am, when I finally do find the right people, I like everyone so much that I become reclusively shy and people think that I'm avoiding them because I don't like them. I'd hate to read a response from you that pretty much sums up my fears, something along the lines of "that sucks, it happens, chin up" Fiyasko (age 22, Victoria BC) * * * Hi, Fiyasko, I'll write more later because I try to answer letters in the order I receive them. But when I get a letter such as yours that is about more serious issues I try to at least write a quick reply ASAP. I am sorry for all your medical issues. To make sure I know what's going on, correct me if I'm wrong here: RBBB = right bundle branch block (heart condition), GAD = Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and of course PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder (were you ever in the military?) Have you tried joining any support groups? I know there are quite a few for PTSD and depression. A lot of your problems stem from the anxiety and other emotional issues that you evidently don't have under control yet. In other words, it's not you, it's the medical conditions you have that are weighing you down, so you really need to do whatever you can to tackle them. How are your finances? I'm guessing you get some government assistance? A lot of people write to me about how a lot of their problems stem from where they live. Is there any possibility you can move? Example: I moved from Michigan to southern California and am MUCH happier in a community that accepts gay people. Are you a furry? Have you tried being active in the furry fandom? There are many people with disabilities in the fandom who could offer support and friendship. You can friend me, for instance, on Facebook (Kevin Hile), FurAffinity (Grubbs Grizzly), or just say hi on Yahoo (zoobear863@yahoo.com). More later, but I wanted to reply asap. Hang in there, buddy. Hugs, Papabear P.S. You might want to change your name. It has negative energy. Try something more uplifting than a variant of fiasco. Hugs. * * * Thanks for responding!, I'm very happy to see that you care so much about strangers! and of course I'm a furry! I wouldn't have asked You otherwise. You've got the medical conditions correct, the PTSD is *big sigh* from being beaten and raped repeatedly during my youth by a family member (not a parent, we love each other). I haven't tried joining any support groups for depression or things like that, I was in two years of councelling for my PTSD, but it's sort of become ingrained as a part of who I am when I look at people for who I think they are. I've noticed heavily that I don't have my conditions under control, if anything they control me :(, although I'm a person who only takes medication if I Need it (yes, I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication) but my anti-depressants make me feel Flat, exciting things aren't exciting, and sad bad things just make me go "Meh." My finances are stable. I don't really need to worry about things because of the Gov assistance, and I just recently got a job so I could have more income. However, I'm not sure of the process of if it stays with me/changes when I move, which it most likely will. I've considered moving, but I live with my parents and have no nearby relatives. If I were to move I'd be in a strange place with no friends or family nearby which sounds pretty depressing to me. If I were to move it'd only be over to the mainland (Vancouver) because I really like the climate and wildlife around here (TransCan trail a block away, a small forrest a block away, waterway a block away, it's really beautiful). Thanks for responding out of order to me, you really didn't have to do that, I'm going to go look at schooling options as I think college would be a decent place to meet new people who are simmilarily minded. Negative energy to the point of "idk, that name sounds like trouble"? It'd feel weird to change my furry alias after finally settling on it as "this feel right, I can identify myself with that and not feel weird." Fiyasko * * * Dear Fiyasko, Okay, if you feel comfortable with that name, I certainly won’t try to make you change it. More importantly, I’m terribly sorry to hear about your horrifying childhood experiences! Given that and your other ailments, I would think those should be your priority. As you said, you don’t think you have them under control. I understand your objection to medication and still feel that group therapy could help. Take a look at this page to find a number of groups in your area, some of which may be suited to your needs. In addition to helping you with your ailments, a secondary effect may be that you could make some friends within your group or groups. As for moving, we all make judgment decisions on things like this. If staying near friends and family that you know is more important than moving away from a place where most people are “crass and dull, nobody smiles,” then by all means, stay where you are, but don’t blame your depression on the people around you, since you evidently know enough right there who you love and like. On the plus side, even though in your first letter you said you didn’t feel right about going back to school, now, in your second letter, you say you are considering your college options, which is good. And, yes, college is a great place to make new friends, too. Although you are very troubled, I see a lot of good signs in you, Fiyasko. You recognize, for instance, that sometimes you have to face a few failures before finding success. You are open to changing your previous course and going back to school, despite some fears. You see, too, that the family and friends you have in your life are more valuable than the frustrations you feel about other residents in your area. It is quite remarkable that you have all these good attitudes about life, Fiyasko, and that is very encouraging. Because of this, I believe that if you redouble your efforts on alleviating your trauma, stress, and anxiety issues that you’ll do just fine. Please write again and let me know how you’re doing. Hugs, Papabear Dear Readers,
In a recent letter a site visitor added a comment saying they received help from a person calling himself the Prophet Suleman. This person says he provides help for those with relationship problems. Having never heard of the Prophet Suleman before, I decided to check it out. There was no website for this person, but the comment writer had provided an email address, so I wrote Suleman. Here is our conversation.... Papabear: Hi, someone suggested you as a resource for advice, so I wanted to write and find out more about who you are and if you have a website for more information. Suleman: Hello you are welcome to my temple you have nothing to worry about as you have come to the right place to get the help you desire what I want you to do for me now is to tell me the situation of things with you relationship. Papabear: Thanks. I'm fine. I'm actually an advice columnist. I am writing to you to see if you are a legitimate resource because someone wrote to me about you. I still don't see a website or anything else with information about you. If all you have is an email address, I cannot recommend my readers talk to you. Suleman: Do you need my help? Papabear: Would you answer my question? Suleman: I dont have at now once you see the work of my spells then you will know how powerful my temple is so you have to come up with you information so that I can help you out ok. Papabear: Are your spells free? Suleman: Yes they are free, but the only thing you have to do is to buy the items needed for the spells ok. And there you have it, dear readers. You have been warned. The Prophet Suleman is trying to sell you potions and snake oil. I would advise anyone to stay well away from him. Unless someone is a licensed professional, such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or professional counselor or social worker, please don't give money to people like this, and certainly don't give them your credit card or other private financial information. Remember, I do not charge for this column or my advice, and a big reason why is that I am not licensed as a professional therapist. Remember, too, that you are under no obligation to follow any of my advice at any time. I am just a furry trying to help. Papabear Hello, Papabear, So over the past 2 years I've discovered that I like fat furries. I don't know why, I just found that bellies on a guy can be really attractive. Recently, I've put on a bunch of weight due to the medication my doctors put me on. 85 lbs to be exact. My parents are pointing out that I'm going to have to work out and diet after I get off the medication but there’s a part of me that doesn't want to. I like the fact that I'm carrying more weight on me and ill probably put on more weight before (and after) I get off the medication. This thought is making me somewhat nervous though. Is it weird for me to want to be/get fatter? Big Furry (age 22) * * * Dear Big Furry, Anyone who knows Papabear knows that he likes his guys big Big BIG, so I completely empathize with your enjoyment of fat furries. (Can you say “adiposity”? I knew you could :-) ). Like any other preference that people have about what they consider to be attractive, there is not necessarily a rhyme or reason to it. People have all kinds of preferences, from athletic to nerdy, slim to fat to muscular, hair color, skin color, and on and on. As you likely know, there are entire communities out there who like to share their love of big people, both men and women. So, quick answer: there is absolutely nothing wrong with your liking “overweight” or “obese” people. Now we get into the health issue. As you also probably are aware, there are a lot of Americans who tilt to the high side of the BMI. The First Lady launched a campaign called Let’s Move (www.letsmove.gov) to increase awareness of the issue. Americans are increasingly at risk for problems such as heart disease and type 2 diabetes because of their weight. HOWEVER, the mistake many people make is associating weight with fitness. The two do not necessarily go hand in hand, you might be surprised to learn. The issue here is not weight so much as the level of activity, and, yes, you can become obese by sitting on your butt all day and eating. But! You can also be a big person and be physically fit! (Yowsa!) To back up this statement, here are some relevant quotes: "Active obese individuals actually have lower morbidity and mortality than normal weight individuals who are sedentary … the health risks of obesity are largely controlled if a person is physically active and physically fit." Therefore, while your parents’ concern for you has some validity, you don’t necessarily have to be skinny to be fit. What is important here is that your level of activity is high. Now, you have gained weight, apparently, because of a medical condition. I don’t know what your condition is, but you should always consult your doctor before starting a physical regimen, especially in cases like yours. Ways to bulk up: you will want to do some aerobic exercise (10 min a day at least) to maintain cardiovascular health, but combine this with weight training. Drink a glass of whey protein mixed with milk before each workout. Combine this with high-calorie but healthy foods. Eat lean meats, legumes, and nuts for proteins (avoid red meats), and cook foods in olive oil (Papabear LOVES olive oil!) Canola oil is okay, but I think olive oil rocks. Other foods that are high in good fats include: avocados, nuts, seeds, peanut butter, almond butter, and hummus. At all costs, avoid high fructose corn syrup and artificial sweeteners; they are poison to your body; processed white sugar is also not so great; use honey. Use Stevia (Truvia) to add some sweetness to foods, and/or fruit and fruit juices (drinking juice is a good way to add calories, while also consuming healthy vitamins). If your doctor says your cholesterol is okay, you can also add cheeses, yogurts, and whole grain breads and crackers to your diet. Finally, instead of eating three meals a day, eat six. Yes, six. But these meals will be slightly smaller than usual. The point is to eat more often. Again, you can discuss this with your doctor. To sum up: no, it is not weird for you to want to get fatter, but do so in a healthy way and you can enjoy being big without the negative consequences normally associated with being obese. The 85 pounds you have put on right now probably were not added in a good way. So, you do need to put in some work, but if you’re motivated enough you can do it. Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear,
I've written to you before about my boyfriend and him not getting a job and helping me out. Firstly, I wanted to say, that he's doing a bit better :3 He has a job now and even though he's not that great starting out, I feel like he'll do fine (I hope >.<). So thank you so much with your help on that matter. ^^ Now my question. So ... we've ben together for a year and almost 3 months now. We're very confident that we can continue to work things out together and some day get married. My only issue, is that I still feel like this is all ... temporary. I talked to him last night about it, and he said that in was still attached to my "safety net." That in the back of my head, I know that if something goes wrong, I can always go back to my parents and my old life and leave the fandom/move on. I feel like that thought is corrupting me. I've realized that a lot of our bickering we do, is because of something stupid that I didn't realize/made up; as if I want him to get mad at me and break up ... I don't know why this is happening. I feel awful and it's depressing me. I love my boyfriend. I honestly do. I just need help to get this thought out of my head because it's only going to make things worse for us and limit what I can do. If there's any advice our help you could give, that would be amazing, Papa Bear. Thank you so much for your time. Nature (age 19, Tennessee) * * * Hi, Nature, I’m glad your boyfriend got a job and the two of you are doing better. It’s not at all surprising that you’re nervous about the stability of your life right now. Starting out on your own—even with a mate—can be nerve-wracking. I remember when I was fresh out of college and I left home and moved in with my mate, who had found a job working at a small college. I had a degree, but no real job and managed to find a part-time, minimum wage job at a factory. We lived in a small apartment and ate cheap food, but we managed. The key, of course, was being smart with the money we had and managing it well, which was something my mate handled very well. Papabear recommends that the first thing you do is learn to manage your money and to try and save some for the future and emergencies. Have you ever heard of Suzy Orman? She’s great. She has a TV show and website all about personal finances. One of the things on the site is a calculator for tracking expenses http://www.suzeorman.com/suze-tools/expense-tracker/ for example. Check out her site. Another page that might be of interest is the cohabitation agreement page at http://www.suzeorman.com/resource-center/cohabitation-agreement/. The reason I recommend this is that if you feel like you have a financial plan you will feel more at ease about life, which can only be good for you. You’re nervous right now because you don’t feel like you have a net to fall on if you slip off the tightrope. Instead of looking to your parents to hold that net up for you, weave it yourself. Since the main issue here isn’t love (we’re not talking Plan B in case he abandons you), then it’s gotta be money. (Oh, quick aside: when you are in a tricky financial state, the last thing you want is a baby. Please save family planning for a much later time when the two of you are financially comfortable.) Back to finances: okay, so far we have budgeting and cohabitation agreement. The other factor is jobs. It’s great you’re both working; now you need to look forward to the future. You’re not going to be in your current jobs forever. Think about where you want to go and make plans accordingly. Also, educate yourself about your benefits (for Tennessee, go here http://www.tn.gov/labor-wfd/esdiv.shtml). You also need to think about insurance, health and otherwise. If you have a health emergency, you sure as heck don’t want to have to figure this out at the same time you’re worried about one of you being sick. Assuming you’re rather low income at this point in your life, check out this page http://portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD?src=/states/tennessee/homeless/healthcare. I’m guessing you already know about car insurance, but the next thing you should consider is renters insurance if you have anything particularly valuable, such as computers or other electronics. Renters insurance is very cheap, but worth it in cases of theft, fire, etc. When it comes to essentials, like food and clothing, there is a LOT you can do to save bucks. For food, try a store like Save-A-Lot which has the same food as Kroger (same company) at cheaper prices. If things are even tighter, in your area there is Angel Food Ministries, which provides low-cost, wholesome foods http://memphis.about.com/od/shopping/a/angelfoodministries.htm. Clothing-wise, shop at second-hand stores. You can buy good stuff there for a lot less than new. Finally, avoid luxury purchases like video games and movies and eating out (although, in a pinch, there are some cheap restaurants in Memphis: http://www.ilovememphisblog.com/2012/07/cheap-food-guide/). The thing to keep in mind here is that your standard of living is not what it was when you lived with your parents. You’re going to need to watch money very closely and develop good financial habits, while you establish yourself as working adults. If this sounds like a lot of boring adult stuff, it is. BUT it is incredibly important boring adult stuff and the sooner you get a handle on it, the more confident you will feel about making it in the adult world. When THAT happens, these fears you are currently having will dissipate and thoughts about going back home to Mom and Dad will go away. You will grow as a person, and that’s a great thing. One more thing: the antidote for becoming a boring adult after you get all this money and bills thing in hand is to ... STAY FURRY! You can keep a youthful heart even as you become a responsible, mature, independent human being. Don’t use that child-like spirit of wonder and imagination! Good luck! Papabear |
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