Dear Papa Bear,
I have read your column a few times and feel like you give sound advice, and that is one thing I have been needing for some time now. A few months back I ended a one and a half year relationship with my mate. I made a promise to myself that I would take a break from dating as I had been for the last 5 years going from one relationship to another with very little time in between. I chose instead to take this time to work on myself. I would work hard through the summer, paying off debt collectors and saving some money up for the future. Then in the fall head back to full time and concentrate fully on my studies. So far everything is going to how it was planned. Now here is my issue(s). I am working one full time and one part time job so that I can pay for everything (bills/debt/rent/etc.) I’m working on average 70+ hours a week. It’s not hard work but it takes away from time I could be doing other things like hanging out with my friends. I also no longer have one single day during the week where I am not working one or both jobs. It’s begun to wear on me. I have been wishing for this summer to be over recently, just so I can pull back. But I just cannot quit one of the jobs. I need to be making how much I make to cover everything and be a little less weighed down by debt by the end of summer. I have also gotten used to the income and enjoy having extra money to use on nonessentials. And if I were to quit one job I would be back on a tight budget and worrying whether getting a half tank of gas means my account will get overdrawn. On the other side of things. With working all the time I do not have much time for anything else, or rather I feel like that. What time I do have to myself each day I feel I have to fill with productivity and if I don’t get a certain number of things done before I have to head off to work I stress out. Feeling like I wasted all my time when I could have been doing some chore and gone somewhere that I needed to go to before work. Alongside this I also rarely get to hangout with my housemates or friends. Most of my socializing is through texts I sneak in while I am working or on breaks. Digital conversation works but its no replacement for physically hanging with others. Finally, being single has become something I rather not be. I miss having someone to be intimate with and share that rare closeness with. I have been trying to fill this void with close friends and such, but its getting to a point where just being around friends that are dating for any length of time gets me down. I end up walking away severely depressed and hurting for no rational reason. I feel wounded by the smallest things, like plans not going through with a close friend because their mate has a headache. All of this combined has made me feel worthless and hollow and half dead, and I am running out of motivation to try anything that might change this. I have thought about going to a doctor for medical treatment but I cant bring myself to taking the time or money to get professional help as it would divert from my goals. I am at a loss as to what to do, and I am unable to analyze or rationalize my feels while being emotionally overwhelmed. Is there any advice or words you can give to help? Some sort of guidance? Signed, JAT Snow * * * Hi, JAT, You are a very responsible furry! It is pretty rare I hear from a furry who says he/she is working 70+ hours a week and paying off debt. Papabear is really proud of you for trying to do the right thing. Unless you have some specific medical issue you are not telling me about, I do not think you need to see a doctor. What you are suffering from is stress. Overwork can make you feel restless, anxious, and give you bad mood swings, which sounds like what is happening to you. There are some things you can do about that, namely getting enough sleep (8 hours a night), eating a healthy diet, and trying to get a little exercise in, which is a great stress reliever. There are a couple of other things you can do to help yourself. One is to set up a goals sheet. From what you’ve written, your current work schedule is in place only temporarily until you have paid down some debt. One thing Papabear has learned in life is that you can endure almost anything as long as you know for sure that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that things won’t always be this way. It sounded like this was something that would only last until summer was over. It can be helpful, psychologically, then, to write down a goal sheet and post it on your refrigerator, including dates for each goal and a description of each goal. Maybe a column indicating what your financial goal is (e.g., “have credit card paid off by September 28). You can also set up a daily schedule. In this schedule, you naturally fill in your work hours. But also fill in hours for you to eat, sleep, get exercise, and do a little socializing. If you sleep 8 hours a day, work 10 hours a day, that leaves you 6 hours a day. Say about an hour for your daily necessities (bathroom time, eating and such), so now you have 5 hours. Allocate 30 minutes for exercise and one hour for doing chores, errands. Now you have 3.5 hours, ample time to do a little socializing. (Oh, almost forgot, travel to and from work--hope you don't live too far from work! So, let's give you 2 free hours a day). You don’t have to socialize every day, but 2 or 3 times a week would be good. You should have time to see a movie or go to dinner with friends. As for your love life, well, you put that on hold yourself, which, in Papabear’s opinion, is not a bad idea for your short term goals. Love is not something you schedule; it is something that happens. Leave yourself open to the possibility of running into someone special in your life; don’t block someone out just because they are not on your schedule. And don’t be envious of your friends who have dates. Be happy for them. Your time will come as long as you do as I suggest and leave your heart open to possibilities. Once you get yourself a bit more organized, you will find yourself getting less stressed because you will feel that each day you will accomplish goals and move closer to financial stability. Good luck! Big Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear:
I don’t exactly know how to say this, but I’m in love... and it scared the crap out of me. Let me explain: I have a history of bad breakups (10 in all since 2009). There were only a few of them that have hurt me to the point of crying though. This last one, we had gotten together in November 2011, he seemed perfect, but slowly, I started noticing things. He would hide his phone from me when texting, he would ignore me for a week after I stayed with him for a few days. He would get jealous of my friends. Hell, he even said that if I watched porn without him, he called it cheating on him. Well, one day, he was sleeping and I snooped through his phone. I found out that I wasn’t his only boyfriend. but I was weak and kept it inside, only telling a close friend. He and I were together 6 months. then he left me, the day after my birthday (5 days after our 6 month mark) but I didn’t know until he was gone that he had left me to move in with his fiancé (he has 3, all of them in different states.) I had loaned him money that he had promised to pay back, but I know I’ll never see any of it. That leads me to my problem. The fur that I am in love with is the very close friend that I confided this stuff to, but what scares me is my past... I don’t want what happened with my ex to happen again. Sometimes when I text the guy, I feel like I’m being annoying. I’ve thrown walls up to protect myself, but he has seemed to get past all of them and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be hurt again, so my question is, what do I do? I need an outside opinion and would gratefully appreciate yours. Ingavar Khaos * * * Dear Ingavar, Here’s a little riddle for you. Say you take a die in your paw and you roll that die 10 times. Each time you roll it, the die bounces across the table and eventually settles down with the number 6 at the top. Ten rolls, ten 6’s. Now, you roll the die one more time. What are the chances that the number 6 will end up on top again? The answer is 1 out of 6, or 16.7%. Just because you got the same result 10 times before doesn’t change the odds to mean that landing a number 6 this next roll is a 100% possibility. Likewise, just because you had 10 bad experiences with boyfriends, doesn’t mean boyfriend Number 11 is going to be like the other 10. My initial response to your query is that you are not giving your current boyfriend credit. He is not your last boyfriend, so why would you assume he is going to behave like your last boyfriend? A possible answer to this is that you always pick boyfriends with the same qualities and, therefore, they tend to act in a similar fashion. What do you look for in a boyfriend, Ingavar? Some people are rather shallow when they seek out a mate, picking people based on their looks or their income or if they have a cool job. If you are one of those, then I could see why you have a bad record of picking mates. On the other paw, you are hopefully a person who picks people who seem to have good qualities, such as intelligence, a sense of humor, and compassion. Then the explanation of your bad track record could just be bad luck, or that you are meeting people who are really good at faking sincerity and kindness. But this person you are with now is someone who was there for you and who you felt good enough about to confide in. He even has navigated around the barriers and walls you set up to shield your emotions, penetrating them and being what sounds to me like a real cool guy. That sounds to Papabear like a very good start. What do you do? Drop those barriers! You go into this relationship trusting your new mate. Assume that things will go well and that he is a good person. I know that, with your track record, it is hard to trust your instincts, but from what you have told me this new guy sounds like he has potential. This is a new roll of the die, and there is always a chance you’ll come up with that 6 again, but there is an even better chance you won’t. If you go into this assuming that the relationship will fail and assuming that your new boyfriend is untrustworthy, then you will create what is called a self-fulfilling prophecy. After a while, your boyfriend will sense that you don’t trust him and that you think he will cheat on you (you are already risking this by the effort you made to shield yourself up until now). He will become resentful, wondering what he has done to be treated this way, which will lead to bitterness and, eventually, he will think to himself, “Well, if she doesn’t trust me anyway, I might as well cheat.” Don’t do that. Like I said, time to start fresh, a blank slate, tabula rasa, as they say in literature class. This man is not your old boyfriend. Love him, trust him, go forth into your new relationship with joy and hope and your new love will feel that strong, positive energy coming off you like warm sunshine breaking through storm clouds, greatly increasing your chances of a happy romance. Love is a risky thing, but it is worth taking another chance. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
Me and my mate relationship has hit a snag, but before I get to that I was in a rough relationship with a pink husky; he kept yelling at me when I did something wrong, using swear words, basically making me feel useless, powerless and worthless. The break-up was horrible and that night I kept on crying and filled with sadness. One of my friends (which I have been mates before but broke up but stayed really good friends) cheered me up and asked me if I wanna be his mate again, so I said yes. Fast forward to July 1st, 2012. Personal issues in my mate’s life has taken a toll on him, and we are in a long distance relationship, so we decided to take a break for 3 weeks to get things taken care of, so far its been the first week and its been going good. Here is my question: how do I deal with this break and is there any treatment to ease the pain? thanks again a worried rat king ~ Alan Soft Belly * * * Hi, Alan, Sorry for the delay; Papabear is behind on mail. So, if I have this correct, you have taken a three-week break and have two weeks left, right? Then you will get back to the relationship as you normally would? Papabear doesn't see the problem. Two weeks will go by quickly and then you will be fine again, or? Am I understanding this correctly? Hugs, Papabear * * * Yes, that is correct, and two weeks have passed already, but the final week is the toughest, and let me tell you about my mate: he is bi and been dealing with his autism, but he met this cute girl at his local gym and if I am not mistaken he kinda has feelings for this girl. I am okay with this, but once the three weeks are up, what if he goes to the girl and not me? Should I stay friends with him or not? He lives in Virginia and I live in New Mexico. It’s a long distance relationship and my god it’s so hard. I am no longer friends with my ex. Any advice would be helpful Papabear. Thank you and for all the advice you have given to furs, thank you. It’s okay I forgive you * gives papa bear a big fat rat king hug.* Sincerely, Alan Soft Belly aka King of the Rats * * * Dear Alan, That was a good example of leaving out key information in your first email, so I’m glad I wrote to you for more. It’s super that you got out of that abusive relationship, but now you are in a long-distance one involving thousands of miles of separation. Papabear has said it before and he will say it now again: long-distance relationships do not, in the vast majority of cases, work. If it is a temporary situation (such as you are the spouse of someone in the military who is overseas fighting for our country) then that is one thing because the soldier will eventually return (hopefully!), but if you are in a situation where your mate is so far away that you cannot visit him or her, and if that situation is not going to change, then the relationship is likely doomed to failure. Papabear can already see this breakdown as evidenced by your jealousy of this girl your bisexual boyfriend is seeing and your suspicions/concerns that he is going to choose her and dump you. Once you start having suspicions and stop having communication (which is very hard to do long distance) your relationship is starting to show signs of falling apart. You say you “are okay with this,” but I bet if you look deep in your heart you really are not okay with it. If you truly wish to have a strong relationship with your boyfriend, either you or he is going to have to move so that you can be together. Alan, there simply is no substitute for being in the same room with the one who is your mate. The only way you will get over your present anguish is to either come together physically, or admit to yourself that you cannot have a meaningful matehood with someone who is too far away to see on a regular basis—meaning that it is time to find someone new in your life who can be there for you. I hope that you and your mate can work things out. Hugs, Papabear A note to readers: In this technological age, Papabear sees more and more furries who believe they are “in a relationship” when all they are doing is talking to someone online. I hate to tell you this, but that is not a relationship on a real level. You might have some nice communication and maybe even a pleasant friendship like having a pen pal in a foreign country (if any of you know what that is still), but a truly meaningful, loving, caring relationship can only come when people are interacting in the real world. Allow me to provide one example: would you call it a genuine mother/child relationship if you took an infant and had it raised by robots while the mother was controlling the feeding, diapering, and so forth from a remote location thousands of miles away? Do you not believe that a child needs that very physical connection to another human being? Studies have actually been done concerning premature babies raised initially in incubators that show that both the mother and the child suffer emotionally from such a separation. Papabear believes that many furries explore virtual relationships because they seem safer, less threatening, because you have an electronic barrier protecting you from real commitment, real emotion, real sex, and real love. Many people do this because they have been hurt in the past by family, friends, and/or lovers, so they think they can have a safe relationship at a distance connected by a computer screen, keyboard, and webcam. Papabear begs to differ. I’d be interested in hearing what my readers think. Feel free to comment! Thanks! Hi Papabear,
I've read through some of the letters you've replied to, and the replies, so I figured I'd man up and look to you for advice. I'm living with my boyfriend of six months, and his parents. I've been with them for about a month or so. I feel absolutely out of place here. I mean, I used to come down with my boyfriend when he lived in my hometown, and I loved it down here. The move was unintentional, but at first I enjoyed it. After about the second week, I started feeling a little out of place, but I continued on like everything was absolutely perfect. I recently started feeling worse about being here, and feeling more out of place. I'm feeling lost, as well. It's like my moving here has just thrown off my psychological equilibrium. I don't know what to do anymore, and really feel that there is just something wrong with my being here. Thank you for taking the time to read this, Skylar Darkpaw * * * Hi, Skylar, Well, first obvious question: why can't you move back where you were? I feel there are some details being left out about the circumstances of the move. Please elaborate. Thanks! Papabear * * * Hi Papabear, I guess, the reason I can't go back is more of a personal, rather than anything else. I turn twenty-one this year, actually very soon, and I have been trying to be more and more independent as time has gone. I absolutely hate relying on my parents, but I'm regretting having to rely on my bf's parents. I haven't really been able to figure out what to do with my life, either. I've gone to school for computers, with government funding, which fell through, I wound up failing my classes, and could not go back without paying my tuition out of pocket, and then, having skidded around that problem, I attempted to go to school for music, which is my passion, but, again, failed my classes. I don't know if I'm just being too focused on my independence, or if I'm just not cut out for it. Back to the main point though, it's mostly an independence versus dependence issue with me, with a small side of monetary issues. I hope that gives you all the detail you asked for, if not feel free to ask for more. Thanks again, Skylar Darkpaw * * * Hi, again, Skylar, Okay, it sounds to Papabear like being "out of place” actually means “not feeling good about being dependent on my bf’s parents.” So, you tried going to school to study computers and then music, but failed in both. This could be for a couple of reasons: perhaps you lack discipline and focus to succeed in a classroom setting, perhaps (and you don’t say this) you have a learning disability, or perhaps you just are not cut out for either of these fields, despite having a passion for them. In order to gain your bearings again and not feel lost, the best thing for you to do is to find a job that gives you self-confidence and makes you feel like you are contributing and becoming independent. Now is the time to sit down with people you know (your parents, boyfriend, other people you know and respect) and talk to them. Tell them you really don’t want to be a burden to people around you and you want to find something you can do with your life and be productive. Be open-minded about their suggestions--don't dismiss them out of hand if you don't like them at first. Skylar, I think you will find that talking to other people can provide you with real insights about yourself. Those around you often see things about you that you yourself cannot see, and they can then offer suggestions, perhaps even find you some job leads that will get you interviews and employment. Start to network and build a list of potential mentors and contacts. Work on this for at least a few hours every day. Your diligence will not only eventually pay off in unexpected ways, but the people around you will gain immense respect for you because you are really making an effort to contribute. This, too, will help you feel more like part of your adopted family and you will find yourself fitting in much better. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
In my life, I have always been rather confused about myself. I identify as furry, I identify as otherkin, and know I don't feel human. Through my various identities, I have made a lot of friends who are also furry...Yet sometimes I feel like everyone knows who they are, and yet I do not. I'm currently 23, biologically female, and have struggled with my identity since I was 15. When I was younger, I simply knew my identity isn't human... I still know that. Yet, no matter what I do, I keep "changing" my fursona, kintype, etc. My friends think I'm a shifter, yet I suspect there's something more psychological going on ... blocking me from myself. I knew myself better when I was younger. Now I have no idea what my fursona, kintype, etc. is... The things I do know are: I mentally do think like an animal. I growl when angry, make a "crowr" sound, I whimper, I even mental shift. I chew affectionately, I'm possessive of food, so on. All these things come very naturally to me. Yet they sound quite generic, I am told. I also know that I identify as, to an extent, a unicorn, but I feel as if there's something else there...As I have sometimes described it, I am a unicorn, I AM an animal, meaning that I'm a unicorn in soul, but otherwise I am something else entirely. (Aside from human, of course). I see that something else as being a mental state, and very ingrained. Sometimes I'm not sure which one is the more legitimate identity. I've been going on and on with my search since I was 15, and people have doubted me a lot, and tell me quite frequently that I change all the time, why should they listen this time? I just don't know what to do, I have no idea what feels like me anymore, or what I feel like.... I need some help with sorting through my confusion. Do you have any advice? ~Epona * * * Dear Epona, The physical forms that we inhabit in this present life can be viewed of as if they were a shell or articles of clothing or, perhaps more apropos, fursuits. As you seem to realize, our real selves lie within these shells, and this real self is actually only a piece of a larger part which is the Spirit that informs all of Reality. Most people in the world, for lack of a better phrase, “buy in” to the idea that they are their outer forms. This is about as logical as saying, "I am an Armani suit," or "I am a football uniform." So, a person who is born as, say, a white male is raised and comes to believe that this is what he truly is. But that is not really the case. A great non-furry example of this is people who struggle with gender identity, such as a male who believes with complete certainty that he is actually a female trapped inside a male form. The medical community is doing more and more to alleviate this conflict in such people through surgery and hormone therapy. This disparity doesn’t necessarily apply to just gender, of course. Papabear, for example, believes that he has bear spirit within him. But this, again, is just one aspect of my personality. Many furries feel a connection to just one other type of animal, but it doesn’t always have to be so limited. Some furries feel connection to more than one type of animal, or even to creatures (such as unicorns) that are mythological on this planet (but who is to say there are not unicorns, dragons, or other fabulous creatures on other worlds or in other realities?) Epona, you are one of those people who is apparently gifted with a more open spirit that can connect to multiple aspects of yourself. What you need to realize is that you are confusing form with spirit. Just as my spirit is not the same as my human or even my bear form, your spirit is not just a human, a unicorn, or some other type of creature. These are just shapes, outer appearances and behaviors. So, what I recommend is that you stop being obsessed with finding out who you are in terms of species and instead find out who you are in terms of the spirit that has no outer form. I always recommend some form of meditation for this type of exploration, whatever works for you, as long as you take some time to try and focus on your spirit regardless of form. What are your qualities? Your feminine and/or masculine aspects, your intellectual aspects, your emotional aspects, and your spiritual aspects. Discover your spirit first. Once you do this, it will be like a person who is getting measurements made for a custom outfit. Once you know what your inner dimensions are, you can then figure out best what outer form fits you the best. But always remember, this is just an outer form and not as important as what is underneath. I hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear:
First, I'd like to thank you for having this column, am sure you hear it a lot in every letter you receive, but still, my upbringing instills that I express such gratitude. Enough about you, about me. I have a dilemma I've been dealing with for the past couple years, hope you can provide a direction for me go, I'm truly lost at what I should do. Obviously, the right thing. I've been in a relationship with my current partner for about 13 years, and it's been great up til the past 3. That's when things started to really go downhill. Over that time, my anxiety is worse than it ever has been, and all he did was bury himself in his video games. I've turned to my furry friends for support, and they've been there a lot better than my partner, which I am so grateful for. The connection between me and my partner has practically gone to nothing, all because he's been playing those games. Meanwhile, I immerse myself into the fandom, where I have love and support, away from him. In that process, I cheated on my partner with others in this quest for affection. I think I'm finally finding the right person for me, but all of a sudden, my partner is either getting jealous of my time with my friends, now trying to make things work. I just feel it's too late for that, and I want to settle down with this new person, that I've found and started bonding with the past 9 months. My question to you is how can I break off this old relationship for this new one without offending my old partner.. I mean, am willing still to be friends, I just don't love anymore (or, shall I say, in love with him). I'm just so burned from the lack of respect from him, but I don’t want to hurt him either.. But then I didn't help my cause by cheating on him either. I just don’t want to be unhappy anymore. and don't want to be this way 15 years down the road.. what shall I do? Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous, You have a right to be happy, as does your mate. Reading your letter, it is clear that your mind is made up to break up with your current mate and have a go at your new relationship, so I wish you well in your new romantic endeavor, although I do have one question: could it be that your partner has a serious game addiction problem? And did you try and resolve it? Or is he just using games to avoid talking to you and being with you? Because I don’t have that information, I will proceed by assuming he does not have a game addiction problem and the issue is your relationship. The question currently on your plate, then, is how to politely break up with your current mate without hurting his feelings. It sounds like he is just now getting the idea that the two of you are on the skids and that is why he is acting jealously, which sounds to me like he really doesn’t want to lose you and his behavior over the last couple of years has been—most likely—symptomatic of his taking you for granted. So, this probably won’t be an easy break-up, as you yourself seem to realize. You both are responsible for what is about to happen: he is because of how he has ignored you, and you are because you might not have tried enough to revive his feelings for you before cheating on him. The best thing you can do in any break-up is be honest with your partner. Tell him exactly what you have told me, that you just feel the magic and love has gone out of your relationship and that you want to move on—as friends, if possible, but either way you now want to be with your new partner. You might ease his hurt somewhat by telling him how much he means to you still and how wonderful the first ten years have been, but you feel you have grown apart. Tell him you don’t really want to place blame on anyone and that he will always be special to you. This can work. I know, because I did the same thing with my first partner with whom I had a twenty-one year relationship. Both of us grew a lot during that time—heck, we were just out of college when we married and were little more than kids. It was extremely painful to break up, but we were both different people (me more so than her, perhaps), and, after a couple of hard years, we remain good friends. It’s wonderful that you are not bitter about this and that you want to have what I would call a very mature break-up. If you talk to him, being very mindful of the truth and of his feelings, there is a good chance you can remain friends, at least, and that is a very valuable thing to have. Good Luck, Papabear Papabear,
I'm facing alot of problems in my life lately with my online circle of friends. A little background before I begin... I'm a 20 year old who grew up in a strongly conservative town. I am a Christian and was raised under the tight morals of the Baptist denomination. On top of this, I'm an active member of furry and otherkin communities. I strive to maintain my beliefs about myself, and what being a furry and otherkin mean to me; but I also strive to maintain my conservative beliefs in God and society, and my opinions can be very striking. Being who I am causes a lot of controversy on the online communities I join. It makes people want to argue and fight against my conservative-raised opinions and beliefs. It's not that I always bring up the arguments, but they bring them to me. It hurts me to see it and causes me deep emotional grief for them to lash out at me because of it. I lost one friend because I disagreed with their view on the world. I lost another friend because of what my faith says about certain actions being wrong that they are doing. I lost another friend's trust over a controversial healthcare issue that I did not agree with. I was called a literal threat by another for my beliefs. I'm being hurt on all sides, and I can't stand it. I feel like I should shut down all my accounts and stay away from the furry and otherkin communities forever. I truly don't want to do it, but if it will keep others from hurting me or being hurt, I will do it. I feel quite alone. I'm afraid of my real life friends. They were raised in the same environment and would likely reject me as well if I told them about my furry and otherkin nature. So, I hide from them already about it. I guess my real question is tho.... how do I find acceptance in the middle of these seemingly clashing communities? How do I balance the "conservative" nature with the "nonjudgemental furry" one and find peace? Any help would be appreciated, Thanks, Kairen * * * Dear Kairen, What an outstanding question you have posed for Papabear today! I would really love to sit down with you IRL sometime and talk with you and learn your opinions. I bet it would be fascinating. So many people in this world have very strong opinions about the nature of reality, God, society, and so on, as you have found out. They see the world in black and white, for and against, right-wing or left-wing, and on and on. Moderates and people with an open mind seem to be a species in decline. When you confront people with new and unfamiliar ideas, you challenge their comfort zones and mindsets about reality, which makes many people upset and even frightened. This, in turn, can spur them to anger—an anger that is based on fear and ignorance. When this happens, you can even see people acting so irrationally that they counteract their own ideals (I give you the bizarre people who bombed abortion clinics and killed doctors who did abortion procedures all in the name of the idea that abortion was murder; then there are the people who kill in the name of God, effectively violating one of His most important commandments). You find yourself in between two such groups: furries/otherkin vs. your Baptist friends. You say you are “afraid of my real life friends,” meaning, I take it, your Baptist friends, while on the other paw you are being threatened by your furry/otherkin friends and losing them, one by one, because of your beliefs. Both sides have very set-in-stone ideals, and both sides are wrong to persecute you for your ideals. So, what should you do? Well, you could pretend you don’t have your own opinions and play the chameleon, acting one way around furries and otherkins in order to make them comfortable, and then you can turn around and act like you are not an otherkin in front of your Baptist friends so that they can be comfortable. And, as you are busy making everyone comfortable, you can lose yourself and who you truly are. The other option is a bit frightening, to be sure. That is, to be you, to stand up for your opinions—not in the same way as your so-called friends have, closing their minds to all outside philosophies and beliefs, but in a way that asserts your true identity and who you are. Believe it or not, there are people out there who have beliefs similar to yours; they are Christian furries, and I have talked about them in other columns (see http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/06/christian-gay-and-furry.html). I think you will find some real friends among these people, not friends who will leave you because of your beliefs, and not friends that you will be afraid of. Kairen, it is time for you to be a warrior, a person who has the courage to be who you are and to not let other people define you. This is a very hard thing do do, which it is why it is called being a warrior. You will lose some people along the way, people who are not really your friends, and it will be extremely difficult, but you will also make new friends and gain happiness and acceptance for who you are. Nothing is more important than the realization and assertion of your self-identity. Without it, we literally are all lost. And you are not alone. You have a bear on your side, and you will find others who will support you. I know this to be true. Be Brave, Papabear Papabear,
Alright, this has been a problem that's been plaguing me and my boyfriend for about a month and a half, at least, and I figure since we're having trouble coming up with a solution an outside source that doesn't know either of us personally would be the greatest help. (Because let's face it, while friends are very good for support and bias, even mutual friends will be slightly biased towards one, the other, or both.) We haven't been dating for too long, only about a week and a half shy of three months. This is his first relationship; this is my ninth. (So I have a lot more experience dealing with stuff like this) Our problem is this: I've obviously been in a lot more relationships than he has—despite him being about a year older (his 19 to my turning 19 tomorrow), I've got more experience. However, most of my relationships were abusive in one way or another, usually emotionally/psychologically. Its gotten to the point I have an irrational fear of showing aggression/dominance, for fear I'll be expected to act that way from that point onwards. (Its happened before, so...I guess its not FULLY irrational?) I'm already pretty timid/passive/docile/pick your term, because I grew up in an abusive home as well, so the fear doesn't affect too much. Or...at least, that's what you'd think. See, the thing is, most people I've been romantically involved with, or who've wanted that from me (crushes, wanting to date me, etc.) have all wanted me to be something THEY wanted. I've very, very rarely found someone who's accepted me fully as being this way- flaws, personality, desires, preference, what have you- without any desire to change me, even on a smaller level. And....my current boyfriend is no exception. He wishes I was more aggressive, more forward, more assertive...etc. He's told other people before that he prefers to be the submissive role in a relationship, as well. And while he does understand that the trauma I went through growing up and the abusive relationships I've had are to blame for my current state, he still wishes I was more that way. For me, its less of a want and more of a need- I've got a need to feel safe and secure, protected, and comforted, moreso than an average relationship has. Going through all I have has left me with countless scars and issues I'm still coming to terms with, and I need someone supportive and more dominant/controlling to guide me and give me a solid foundation so I can begin to fix myself; someone who I know when I have an emotional break I can come to for security. And...he's not like that, at least, not anymore. We're barely affectionate ever since this problem arose, and we've been intimate a sum total of once since it started- in which I forced myself to be what he wanted, to show that I was capable of it in rare circumstances, despite not enjoying it really at all. I didn't really get any recognition for it- afterwards, it was never really mentioned and the sentiment/gesture was not and has not since been returned. And, I mean, its a little wrong to EXPECT it, but it just cemented home my fear that that's what he's going to want from me from that point on, so things've gotten awkward... I know, you'd think the obvious answer would be to break up, but, he's the first guy I've dated in who knows how long who ISN'T a jerk or hurtful or abusive- I do love him and I am very much attached to him still. And, the other obvious answer would be to work this out- but how? The only solution we can think of requires one of us to ignore our happiness (Or, in my case, needs) to change ourselves completely to make the other person happy (or, again, in my case, fulfill my needs), and neither of us are really comfortable with that- either for ourselves, OR for the other to do that. We're at an impasse. And the stress from this has been greatly impacting me- I haven't been able to focus on schoolwork, or drawing (I have backed up commissions, aaagh), or anything. Heh. Great birthday present, am I right? Hoping to hear from you soon, Mix PS: If you need any more info or for me to go into detail, feel free to ask! I don't mind, really. Heh. * * * Dear Mix, Firstly, my sympathies to you for the pain you have suffered in your young life. The scars inflicted upon us in childhood mold us throughout our lives, and no amount of therapy can ever fully undo the psychological pain of a rotten childhood and abuse by people who supposedly loved us. It is logical what you have written here, therefore, about your sexual preferences: the desire to play a more submissive role and to find a more comforting partner to take charge is natural. Now your partner wants you to be dominant and you need to be submissive. It doesn’t sound like he is willing to compromise in bed, and he didn’t even acknowledge the effort that you made to satisfy his needs. While your current relationship might be the best relationship you have had to date, that doesn’t mean, Mix, that you will never find another mate who is not abusive like this one. I could suggest seeing a sex therapist, but somehow I doubt that would help you at this point. You say that the only way you think you could find happiness is if one of you compromises on what makes you happy, which is illogical. If you are looking for a magic bullet, there is none. The two of you are sexually incompatible, and once you both realize that, you have one of two choices: continue a relationship that is sexually unsatisfying, with the inevitable outcome that one or both of you will eventually cheat in order to get what you need, or admit that this relationship cannot work and break it off now instead of wasting your time. You can remain friends, certainly, but a well-rounded relationship is impossible for you. Move on. Hugs, Papabear Hey there, Papabear,
There's something quite complex that's been on my mind lately. Something I feel like I've worked over as much as I can, possibly even obsessed over, until I've defined every aspect of it. But it still sticks with me emotionally and I can't help but ask myself if there's something I'm missing. After reading many of your letters, I decided it might be worthwhile to see if you have any insight. So... here goes. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost five years now, and living together for almost three. In a couple months, more or less at our anniversary, we will be breaking up. Maybe I should back up a bit. We first started dating when he moved into the area for college. Now he's on the verge of graduation, but I still have a year and a half to go. So he'll be moving away while I'm stuck here. But that's only a convenient timing for the break-up, not why it's happening in the first place. You see, he has never dated anyone else besides me. As such, he's not comfortable settling down because he believes he'll always wonder what he's missed out on, other experiences and the like. Part of that is because he's bisexual and has never been with the opposite gender, part is just that he never had much of an experimental adolescence in that regard. Now, this is something I've known was coming for quite some time. We talked about it long ago, back when we'd first started dating. I suppose I hadn't thought too much of it at the time, probably because the few relationships I'd been in before this either ended horribly, never really began, or lasted only a handful of months anyways. As our relationship developed and we stayed together, the topic of an eventual breakup was broached only extremal rarely. We either skirted around it or I tried rather successfully to avoid thinking about it. But with that artificial deadline approaching fast, it's getting pretty hard to avoid dealing with it anymore. The thing is, I understand his reasoning, even if I don't agree with the decision it leads to. So my options as I see them are to either let him go, losing him as a partner but maintaining the friendship, or to fight for our relationship. I don't feel like I can fight because, if I do, I'll either convince him to stay and feel guilty for what I've denied him or alienate him in the process and lose him all together. I can't simply be selfish here, as I feel his happiness is more important to me than my own. With all that in mind, I came to the conclusion that I should just accept the situation, enjoy the time we have left together as much as possible, and part on good terms. We do plan on staying very much a part of each others lives, so I wouldn't be losing him in that sense. We just wouldn't be together anymore. The problem for me comes with actually accepting the situation. Every so often, some little thing in conversation or interaction reminds me that he'll be gone soon, and that snags and sticks in my mind such that it gets me down and I have trouble thinking about anything else for a while. When that happens I tend to close off socially, not wanting to burden others with my problems or rant at them inadvertently. These funks also tend to alter the way I think about things slightly. For instance, he'll be talking to a friend he's recently made online that he is becoming quite close to and I'll find myself thinking of it as him shopping for my replacement. Or during otherwise inconsequential disagreements or arguments I'll find thoughts like "At least I only have to deal with this for X more months," slipping into my mind. I immediately feel terrible for thinking that way, of course, only making my mood worse. At least I get over it all fairly quickly, in a day or two at most, but it seems to be happening more often the closer the split gets. Kinda sours the idea of making the most of the time we have left. I think that pretty much covers the beast of a situation. So I guess my question is... what are your thoughts? - Theta * * * Hi, Theta, This is a pretty sad situation for you, and I'm sorry to hear it. Let me tell you what Papabear would do if he were in your situation. I would tell my mate that his decision has already effectively ended the relationship and that we are no longer mates. Furthermore, I would begin looking for a new mate myself, letting him know quite clearly that I am not going to wait around for him to return. I am not a safety net in case things go badly as he sows his wild oats and decides he wants to be mates again. We could maybe still be friends, but the matehood is over. While I, like you, understand he wants to live his life and would wish him well, I would not be sitting around pretending that he is still my mate when he has already signed out mentally. What would this mean in the short term? Well, it would mean the relationship is downgraded to roommate status: no sex, first of all, and any shared rooming expenses must be divided fairly. Meantime, I'm off to find a date with someone who actually wants to be with me. As I've said to other letter writers: don't be a tool. I sense you already know all this, Theta, and are just looking for someone to confirm that you are right. You deserve better that this. Time to wave a paw "bye-bye" to this guy. Hugs, Papabear Hello Papa Bear,
A few years ago, I was very much a part of the local community. I made a great many friends and really enjoyed myself. A crappy drama situation happened involving a popular artist fur in the local community and I was dragged into the middle of it. I stopped talking to any other furs and decided I had had enough of the entire fandom. I deleted all of my own artwork and journals off of every major furry site and stopped talking to anyone. The artist fur continued to spread rumors about me in the local community even though I hadn't talked to anyone in 6 months. She would call me at home to try and get me to talk to her and I stopped picking up the phone. It got to the point I was receiving death threats over text messages from furries whom I had never met! Two or three years have passed since all of that went down and I've been sort of missing the fandom a bit. I've lurked the local community and noticed that the artist fur has been banned from the local forums. I'm still terrified that I'm going to be prosecuted and ran off. My anxiety is so strong about it that I still have occasional nightmares about getting death threats and things like that. Do you think it's safe for me to come out of hiding and try to make friends again? Thank you, Jackal * * * Dear Jackal, Papabear is sorry you had a bad experience. Sounds like you were really being harassed. Papabear wrote a column a while back about a similar situation http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/05/bad-furs-flaming.html that you might want to look at, as it talks about your rights and how to protect yourself against people who you feel are threatening you. Keep it in mind if it happens again. In the meantime, according to you, the air has cleared some and the offending furry has been banned and disappeared. People these days seem to have short attention spans and may have completely forgotten about you and what happened a couple years ago. Some may not have, though, and might still blame you or hold a grudge about whatever happened. I have no way of telling. Even so, it is not right that you should have to hide from the furry world forever for something that was apparently not your fault at all. How about this for an idea? Adopt a new fursona. Many furries do this for a variety of reasons, and you can to. Drop the name Jackal (or whatever name you were using at the time), create an entirely new fursona, begin anew. Introduce yourself as a new furry, open a new account on FurAffinity or whatever other art sites you were on—remembering to post only new artwork—and start making new friends. If you stumble upon acquaintances you knew before, introduce yourself anew to them, if you feel okay with that, only revealing your real identity if you get a solid sense they are not going to start the old drama again. There is far, far too much drama in the fandom in this bear’s opinion. Furry life should be a joyful, fun, playful experience. You should not be terrified of it. If you do get death threats, do what I suggest in the article I cited: keep a record of what happens, reporting the threats to Web administrators or even law enforcement, if it gets that extreme. Good luck! Hugs! Papabear |
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