Hello there, Papabear,
Been a long time reading and now I find myself in need of some help. A few years ago a close friend of mine up and abandoned me for what reason I have no clue (she was a wolf fur). We both thank God we’re furries; she had such a love of wolves [that I] developed one as well, thanks to her. So I thought of myself as a wolf fur, but when she left it stung worse than anything. It still hurts and ever since I’ve been wondering what kind of fur I am, so I thought I would tell you a bit about myself and ask what type of fur you think I am. I am a shy but easygoing guy. I love jokes/pranks. I am up for just about anything, and I have always loved stuff like Marvel [comics] and what not. Also I am a big WoW nerd. I have worked in an aquarium and spent lots of time with animals of all sorts. But mostly I am laid back, easy going, even if at times I have a temper on me. If you could help me with this I would be most grateful to you. Long time reader, A Confused Fur * * * Dear Confused, Hmm, Papabear sees a pattern here: first, you determined your fursona species based on your relationship with a wolf, and now you are asking a bear to determine your best species. My advice to you, then, would be to stop asking other people to define you. To find your true fursona, it can only come from one person: you. I can give you a little guidance, however. First of all, things like liking comic books and MMORPGs has nothing to do with your fursona. Personality traits like being a prankster and being laid back do. For example, a person with a highly playful personality might be an otter; a highly aggressive, dominant person who is a bit of a loner might best be defined as a dragon; a sociable, strong personality might work best as a wolf or lion—both social species. A highly spiritual person might choose a bird like a bald eagle or red-tailed hawk, and someone who feels both fragile and beautiful would do well to be a butterfly. A mysterious and awe-inspiring furry could be a blue whale. I like bears, of course, because they combine the best of cuddliness and being laid back with strength and independence. A friend of mine who loves fast cars, motorcycles, and such stuff chose the cheetah, logically, for his fursona, and another chose a porcupine, an animal that is adorable and shy but surrounds itself with a natural defense mechanism showing his guarded side. Another way to choose a fursona is just simply your attraction to a certain kind of animal. In addition to feeling that bears match my personality because of their personalities, I am also spiritually attracted to them, and my spiritual teacher is attuned to both bears and horses. Some people, too, pick hybrids that combine what they like of two or more species. Some mythological species, such as gryphons, work well in this case. On the other hand, sometimes people choose a fursona based on an animal that is not at all like their human selves. For example, someone who is really shy and has difficulty making friends might long for the camaraderie of the wolf back and see him- or herself as a wolf; someone who has been told all his life that he/she is stupid, might decide to become a wise owl; someone who is lazy and slow might, instead of picking a sloth as their fursona, become an agile monkey swinging across the forest canopy. Being a furry can mean trying to find new ways to express yourself and what you wish to be. I hope that helps you without my actually choosing a fursona for you. Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
I admit, I'm not used to admitting I need help with problems, but this one is really cutting me down.... Yo because I'm really nice and caring, or try to be, and I'm a good roleplayer.. The problem is with two of my furry family members: my dad, Macintosh, and my adoptive son, Jay. (I changed their names a bit. Poorly, but I did.) My son knew my dad before he met me, and they did something horrible to each other. My son is willing to forgive my dad for the argument he started over a misconception. But Mac is very mad at him, and he gave me an ultimatum: Choose between my son or my furry dad and brothers. This is a tough decision for me. Really tough. I need some help. Please tell me what you think.... Sincerely, Kyoto * * * Hi, Kyoto, First off, it is extremely unfair for Mac to put you in this position. He’s doing so to gain you as an ally and “win” his fight against Jay. For a “dad” he is acting very immaturely. Secondly, according to your letter, this shouldn’t even be a real issue between Mac and Jay because it is all based upon a “misconception,” not an actual wrong done by one to the other. If Mac doesn’t already comprehend this, you should explain to him that he is angry about nothing and should calm down. If he refuses, then the wise thing to say is something along these lines: “You know I love and care about you both, Mac, but don’t put this on me. I refuse to take sides and validate your anger. If you hate Jay and then hate me for not hating Jay, then YOU are making that choice, not me. I refuse to be sucked into your misguided attempt at emotional extortion. I hope you will change your mind.” Make this about Mac’s decision. It is not your decision. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
How do you know or find out who you are? What your identity and personality are? What I mean is that I'm not sure what my real personality is or how I should view myself. A glimpse into why would go back to my upbringing. My childhood wasn't bad; I wasn't physically or sexually abused and I got food and clothes. But I wouldn't call it good either, because they were emotionally negligent. To explain that I need to explain how my family works and how we were raised. If there is something you want or need done there's a system. First you ask. If they say no, you use manipulation. And finally you use threats and to an extent violence to reinforce the threats. Anyways my parents treated me like a trophy child, where I was supposed to be the perfect child they could use to show what great parents they were. And to this end to get me to comply and meet their standards they would withhold any kind of affection unless I met their standards. Though as I got older they began using guilt trips, but I digress. So as a child seeking the love of a parent I would act exactly how they wanted me to to please them. Then came school where part of the perfect child ideal was to be sociable and to get along with everyone. And even as I kid I readily picked up the idea of manipulation. To get along with anyone and everyone I learned how to alter my behavior, mannerisms, interests, even my personality to become someone that said person would like. So I gained the ability to get along with anyone in person, sadly this ability does not work as well through the Internet medium. At the time I didn't know I was doing it and by the time I realized I was doing it I was already 17ish with no idea who I really was. Now I can't act some way without questioning whether it really is me or if I'm acting how I believe others expect me to. Even when I'm alone I can't help but question how I act. Kind of explains the lack of an actual name or fursona because whatever I use never feels right, so that's the reason for the pseudonym. And I've read your letters so I figure one of your solutions will be to seek counseling, which is a reasonable idea. However I've tried and failed with two therapists already. So I've already explored that route and came up empty. Sincerely, Thief * * * Dear Thief, What a remarkable and insightful letter. Not many people as young as you have figured out how much of who they are is shaped by other people’s expectations. Just having that revelation alone puts you ahead of many people, and, no, I’m not going to tell you to seek therapy; you don’t need it. I do not believe there is a human being on the planet who has not altered his or her behavior to please others. It’s not just about parents who are emotionally disconnected from their kids, it is also about any parent who wants their kid to be a certain way. Usually, when the children protest, the parent asserts stuff like, “I just want you to be happy! I just want you to be successful!” which makes you feel stupid and ungrateful for protesting. But happy by whose definition? Successful by what measuring rod? Now, your letter and the response I am forming here is a rather interesting dilemma, as I recently advised another writer to be the “chameleon”; that is, to only show one side of himself—the part that pleased his family—when he was around them. The difference here is he knew who he was and simply didn’t want conflict with his furry-hating family. You, on the other hand, have played the perfect son and comrade so long you haven’t had the chance to discover yourself. I understand where you are coming from. I myself didn’t know who I was until my 40s because I was trying so hard to meet other people’s demands on me. Because of that, I feel like I need to play a lot of catch up now. I don’t think that early part of my life was wasted in any way. There were many many good things about it, but now I have the chance to find the real me. It’s kind of scary, actually, but worth the pursuit. How, then, do you discover yourself when you don’t even know what you are? Well, a good way to discover yourself is to force yourself to try as many new things as possible, especially things that people said you were no good at or that you shouldn’t try because they were a waste of time or money, but also things that are just plain unfamiliar to you. This is why I tried fursuiting. The conservative, straight-laced, unadventurous and monetarily conservative me of the past was telling myself, “Dressing up as a bear and spending $2,000 on a costume? Are you nuts? What a waste of money! How silly and childish!” I did it anyway and I love it, especially the hugs I get while in fursuit, the smiles and the little kids pointing at me and shouting gleefully, “A bear!” So, try new things, and try as many of them as possible. Block that inner voice (or that echo of a parent’s voice) that tells you you shouldn’t try it or doubts that you’ll be any good at it or enjoy it. Dare to be bad at something. Couple things I learned along the way regarding this, as examples: when I was a little kid, I wasn’t much good at school, but I had a pretty darn vivid imagination I enjoyed. Anyway, my parents, especially my mother, pushed and pushed me to get those A’s, so I did to please her. Eventually, I became a straight A student. I worked so hard on my studies that I did nothing else and had no social life, so I finished school at the top of my class feeling like I was a one-dimensional person. Another example: I always wanted to learn a musical instrument, so I tried the dulcimer. As I was initially learning, naturally I sounded awful. I was told to knock it off because I was hurting people’s ears, so I did. I never learned to play. It’s on my bucket list still to learn an instrument. As I said above, dare to be awful at something. Another example would be drawing. Everyone sucks when they start out, but how can you get to be good unless you keep trying? Experiment and explore. Relearn how to love learning, that special joy to nourish one’s mind every child is born with but that our educational system strips out of you until you become a good little drone (cf. how schools always cut arts and music programs first, but leave team sports that are designed to make you a team player and follow the coach’s orders... hmmm.). Express yourself in new ways, too. Try different clothing or hair styles, listen to different kinds of music with which you are unfamiliar (try reggae, mon), eat a snail if you want (escargot, s’il vous plait!), read a book by someone who expresses an unfamiliar opinion or viewpoint. Get out of your comfort zone. You won’t enjoy everything you try, of course. The things you truly don’t like, cast them aside and try other things. You can filter these things through your own attraction or aversion to them. How do you tell these reactions are YOURS and not behavior programmed into you by someone else? Try this exercise. Have someone create a bunch of flashcards for you. On these cards, have them write a bunch of innocuous words, such as “desk,” “apple,” “teacher,” “green,” etc. Most of these cards will be of this variety. Next, have them write down a few things that you have tried recently to see if you like them or not, such as “playing piano,” “surfing,” “working with animals,” and so on. The innocuous cards should outnumber the relevant cards by about 5 to 1 but not in a rigid order (e.g., two relevant cards might be followed by three innocuous cards, then a relevant, then five innocuous, etc.). Once the cards are prepared, sit across the table from your friend and have them flash the cards at you, one by one. When you see a word or phrase respond “Yes” or “No” as to whether or not you like them. Do this quickly so that you give a knee-jerk reaction and don’t have time to think. Your friend can further assist you by tossing the “Yes” cards into one pile and “No” into another. When you’re done, even the seemingly innocuous card have relevance as you might discover your true favorite color and weather or not you like teachers :-) Good luck, Thief. I hope you can rob your inner personality back and keep it inside you, safe and sound. Papabear Hey Papabear,
I'm looking to seek the advice of a fellow furry about relationships. How does one pursue one without much experience? My problem is I have a very hard time communicating with people, especially in person. Sometimes I read people wrong or send the wrong signals without knowing it. I have spent many years in isolation, and am way behind the curve socially. I hate to admit it, in fact I almost tell no one, as a child I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. This problem has kept me out of things like higher education, and cost me many social opportunities. Anyway, there's a whole world out there, and I want to find friends that like me for myself. Maybe even if I'm lucky find a special person to spend my time with. I want more out life then going to work and spending time alone. Is there anything out there to help people like me pursue the social scene? Reclusive Reptile * * * Dear Reclusive, Your social interaction problems are typical of people with Asperger’s, including difficulty reading other people and sending the “wrong signals,” and becoming isolated from society. I cannot give you any tricks to overcome these problems because I’m not a therapist, but I can give you the name of an organization that can help: the Autism Society of America at http://www.autism-society.org/. Start with them and start trying to build a network of people who can support you and be there for you. The good news is that people who get help for their Asperger’s can live very happy and normal lives, but it does take time and work on your part. Please check out the ASA website to learn more, and good luck! Papabear I am looking for a mate but no one is interested. I have a few friends that insist I am beautiful and that any guy would be lucky to have me, but I feel like I can't trust that. I have had too many experiences where people have said this to me but they end up hurting me. Whom should I trust and what can I do?
Aurelia * * * Dear Aurelia, The best kind of love is the love that is discovered, not the love that is pursued. That’s advice #1. Advice #2 is that the best loves are the ones that start off as friendships and evolve into love (or, cf. #1, become discovered love). When you have a solid friendship with someone you trust, then when it gets to the point of love and, eventually, sex, you are already in a relationship in which you know that person is going to stick around with you even after he has a climax because he likes being with you. The difference between a hookup and making love is that in a hookup only one part of your body is satisfied. Don’t just jump into bed. Many people have made that mistake. That whole “love at first sight” thing is mostly just hormones. You want something lasting? Be a lover to your best friend. Wishing You Love, Papabear Hey Papabear.
I've been following your column for quite some time, and I love it. But see, I've had a bit of an issue lately. I'm still in school, and have never had issues with bullying. I've always gotten along with other “normal” non-furries at school. Should anyone ask my sexual orientation, or about my hobbies, I'm honest. I never been much of a liar. However, I've noticed that when I go out in public, adults treat me poorly. I dress fairly normally, besides the fact that I dye my hair, and I try my best to be kind. I'll be walking along at the mall, minding my own, when I'll overhear a middle-aged woman whisper to her friend things along the lines of "Mall freak." This has always been a shock to me. People my age, the newer generation, I suppose, have always been kind to me. I know that there is a bit of a generation disconnection between older people and younger ones, but why would a mother set such a bad example for her children? I guess what I'm trying to ask is, why are adults seemingly crueler than teens when you try your best and are nothing but kind? At this time, I've learnt that I'm simply “different,” and there's not much I can do about it. (Took me a while, but after watching the movie Fantastic Mr. Fox several times I came to the realization.) Thanks papabear! <3 have a nice day! Matty * * * Hi, Matty, Always nice to meet a loyal reader of my column :-) Thanks for the compliment. I believe what you are experiencing here is the typical generation-gap problem, but also other things. The older generation always thinks the younger generation are a bunch of lazy, irresponsible freaks, especially when they dress differently, have fun with their hair (it’s just hair, geez), and listen to that damn young people music (shakes his cane at you). Oh, and get off my lawn! Damn kids. Naturally, people your own age are easier to get along with; they understand you and relate to you and like many of the same things you do (and they don’t talk a lot about their gall bladder operations or how gas used to cost 29 cents a gallon). Now, just because older people tend to be less comfortable around you doesn’t give them free license to behave badly by calling you names (and whispered insults under one’s breath betray a cowardly nature Papabear finds putrid). As you noted, this is especially poor behavior when they do it in front of children, thus teaching them the lovely lesson that you should hate people who are different (sigh). It has not been this bear’s experience, though, that treating others badly is limited to the older generation. You may be lucky so far, but I have seen plenty of misbehavior among young people, as well, and all you have to look at is examples of the “popufur” phenomenon to see that some furries treat other furries as if they were inferior or who otherwise “don’t belong.” Chalk it all up to human nature. Or, if you want to be strictly biological, to animal nature. Animals tend to reject those that are different for genetic reasons, because when it comes to procreation you want to only mate with those who are similar to you and who seem to be healthy, “normal” examples of your species (leading to human phenomena such as racism and homophobia) as well as territorialism (leading to nationalism and war). There is some hope for humanity, though, as expressed in attitudes such as your own, Matty. Some humans are becoming more enlightened and have shrugged off the shackles of base biology to reach a higher, spiritual plane in which one can look beyond the surface and recognize our shared humanity (furriness). The best way for you to battle this type of bad behavior in others is what you are already doing: As Kurt Vonnegut said, “There's only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you've got to be kind.” Evil and intolerance have no defense against love and good humor. That is why comedy is such a wonderful weapon against ignorance and hatred. So, if you are ever confronted with such despicable behavior face-to-face, simply smile and say, “I love you, too. Have a lovely day!” If someone calls you a “freak,” reply, “Thank you! I cherish my individualism, and freaks are the epitome of individualism!” If someone calls you a “mall rat,” say, “Cool! Did you know rats can literally chew through steel? Wouldn’t that be a great superpower to have!” Or some other clever response. Remember, snarky remarks can only harm you if you respect the other person’s opinion. Go forth, Matty, and drench the world with your splendid brand of freaky kindness. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear.
I haven't needed advice for a while, but something has come up recently that's really weighing me down, and I can't talk to hardly anyone about it. I made a friend through the Internet by random chance... I found a livestream where she was drawing, and I loved her art and started keeping her company during her streams. She's a great artist in my opinion, and watching her draw makes me super happy. When she started actually talking to me like a real friend, it made me even happier, since I'm always bad at making friends online, they just assume I want free art or cybers or something else, but I don't. We started talking so much, I feel like I've known her forever, and I am always happy to talk to her, then sad when I can't because she's not around. She feels the same way, and it's really awesome to have made such a fast friend, we're both really grateful that we met. However... we've both noticed recently that there are thoughts in both our minds that aren't appropriate. We've been able to talk about them openly, and are fairly comfortable with the topic, but we've both agreed we can't ever let anything... um... physical happen between us because it would just cause problems for both of us. Despite agreeing to that, we both still think of each other as attractive women and like to compliment each other (a little flirtatiously at times). We're both married, and have each been through a sort of phase like this in the past, but now it's more like an actual attachment. To each of us, our friendship comes first. It's strangely strong for having only known each other through the Internet (though we hope to meet someday and get to say hi in person), and our dedication to keeping our friendship safe by avoiding physical complications (not to mention cheating on spouses, which we both view as a big no-no) is strong as well. I'm just worried though... I know it's wrong to think of someone besides my spouse with any kind of lust in my heart, but is it still okay for me to be friends with her? I don't want to lose this great friend, least of all over something we've both agreed is off-limits, but it's just so easy to talk with her about anything and everything. She never looks at me really weird if something personal comes up, and I'm grateful to have someone I can truly open up to about everything without fear of their reaction. Even if it's a comment about how attractive she is in a certain outfit. In case your curious, I don't have the courage to explain it to my husband because he has a bad habit of hearing the worst parts of a sentence and tuning out the rest, so trying to make him understand would be next to impossible. He would hear "I think she's attractive" and totally skip over "but we're just good friends and would never do anything together. I love you and could never do that to you." Anon * * * Dear Anon, It is the standards of Society that restrict us, "permitting" us to only have one person to love who is not a blood relation. Papabear, for one, feels that the human (or furry) heart has the capacity to love many people. This does not mean you have to have sex with everyone you love, certainly not, but we allow ourselves to feel guilty and restricted by society's conventions, which results in our missing out on deep friendships that could be much more than, "Hey, let's go out for pizza." Such friendships—and they should not be restricted by gender, either—are what I have found in the furry fandom and in the bear community. I have some bear friends who mean much more to me than what the word "friend" means alone; this does not mean they take any priority over my mate, whom I love dearly, but it does mean that I have a deep bond with them. You should be permitted to enjoy such a bond yourself. To my ears, it sounds like both you and your artist friend are mature enough and responsible enough to handle this relationship. I'm assuming that your fear is that the two of you might find yourselves alone together at some point and express your affection physically. All you really need to do to make sure that doesn't happen is to not check in to a "no tell motel" to be alone. Also, your husband sounds like the jealous type, so I would just avoid language like "I think she's attractive," just in case, while you're around him. You are an intelligent person and you know enough not to give in to your baser desires if you can anticipate and dislike the consequences (i.e., hubby finding out and divorcing you, which you obviously don't want). If you lived your life by other standards and had a more chill hubby, things might be different, and I, Papabear, certainly would not judge you on such behavior. But that is up to you. The question is whether or not you trust yourself and your friend not to get physical. If you do, then please do continue the friendship. Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
(First and foremost, I apologize if this may seem slightly jumbled and rant-ish, my dyslexia has been kicking in quite a bit during the time of writing this, and despite re-reading it many times over I'm unsure if I remembered to include everything or if this can properly explain the situation.) Upon a recent breakup with a mate, I have begun to reflect and realize my instability within proper relationships towards others. Before I get into any further depth, I will state that all goes well with my ex-mate; we are still good friends and had a clean breakup, so nothing from that would be influencing my thoughts. I feel that in the end, regardless of the relationship, that I eventually push the person away from myself. I've never been a super cuddly snake, and doubt that will ever change to accommodate a mate’s personal preference; this, however, of course, is not to say that I would refuse the emotional loving attention. I have always just never preferred them. To be honest, I feel within a relationship that physical, sexual intimacy is one of the few things that keep mine thriving. My libido has always been high, since the beginning of puberty, although it seems to be getting more and more out of hand. When it comes to my relationships, I feel that if there is no sex within it, that somehow I am in a way not being “wanted” for within the relationship. It's almost like my version of a date. It's always rinse and repeat for me, and while I understand that this is not at all the way relationships work, for some reason it's just happened to work out this way. I feel this has taken a worse turn too, which I will certainly explain in a few moments. With the libido comes the fact that I absolutely loathe being alone. I am aware again that no fur, or average society doobhop, needs a mate in order to be complete, just something about having a mate makes me feel wanted. I've always been happy in all of my relationships, pushing myself to try my best to do what I felt was in my comfort zone to accommodate and display affection towards my mate; and in the most, I've only ever had one that I wanted to break off for my own personal reasons; all others have been because I felt the mate was not doing the best they could, and to help with their happiness within life. My fears have escalated to the point where I feel uncomfortable becoming how I truly need to be to help within my life. When I say this, I think I need to explain a little bit. I am a transgendered fur, biologically female, however transferring to male, who identifies as a homosexual male. I can easily see how this limits my potential mates within the world, drastically, to the point of where I’m paranoid of becoming alone in life. This paranoia has led to me finding myself almost wanting to deny my transfers, simply for future happiness, although I’m aware that this denial will lead to my outlook worsening. Something I doubt I can afford with the fact that I am mildly depressed, and fighting that along with my self-loathing brought on by this issue. I'd have to say how I can become more able to handle and maintain a relationship without feeling that physical intimacy is needed, as well as how to handle/be more receptive towards emotional intimacy without it feeling like a lost cause. Apologies on the jumble of text. I wrote it while going through a more emotional time and therefor may have been almost ranting at the time? In best regards, Chai * * * Hi, Chai, Wow, this is one of the most confusing letter Papabear has read; no wonder you are confused, too. Okay, if I have this right, you:
Although you say your last relationship ended without drama, your inability to maintain a relationship indicates things are not ideal. Break ups are caused by one of three things: there is something wrong with your bf or gf that you can’t tolerate, there is something wrong with you that makes relationships difficult, OR there is a PERCEPTION that something is wrong with one or the other party that is not reflective of reality. In your case, I believe the problem to be #3. You believe yourself, for one reason or another, to be unlovable or unworthy of love for reasons I cannot fathom based on your letter alone. Perhaps there are some childhood issues behind this that you have not revealed.... The reason, at this point, does not matter so much. The cure is to learn to accept yourself for who you are. This is about the most difficult task a person can face. It is one that yours truly is still struggling with. The answer for you is not to teach you to be more cuddly or have less of a libido; the answer is to accept yourself and your needs for what they are. Stop apologizing for yourself and have the courage to say, “This is who I am and this is what I enjoy.” If your fondest desire is to be a male homosexual, then that is what you should be. Don’t retreat from that dream because you think it will be harder to find a mate, because if you do you will end up resenting that mate because he prevents you from being your true self. The same goes for setting up standards and expectations for a mate. If you are rejecting people because they don’t meet your ideals of perfection, then you are going to be lonely for the rest of your life. Nobody is perfect. You need to accept those imperfections and look for the heart inside the other person. When your next love interest comes along, tell them from the beginning who you are and what you want in a partner. This will save you a lot of time if he doesn’t want the same things or, at least, something close to the same things. Don’t demand the world from your partner, and you should expect the same from him. It’s quite possible that if you learn to relax around your new partner and set aside expectations other than love and support for one another, you will find yourself more open to emotional intimacy. Your focus will become more about the spiritual, mental, and emotional bond than the physical bond, although that should remain important. In short, you need to be less snake and more bear. Learn to relax, learn to be yourself, and learn not to overanalyze yourself, your mate, or your relationship. The happy relationship is the accepting relationship. Hope that helps. Good luck! Wishing you love! Papabear Hey...
I ran away from home today. Had a large argument with my parents over finishing these stupid forms. The argument was really just about everything they expect of me and what they won't let me do. I was basically told I am too young and not mature enough to be out doing things on my own, especially late at night, but I'm going to college in August. The forms were just an excuse to start an argument, I guess. It was so much work and they expected it done that night and absolutely perfect... It would just follow the same pattern as always. I would do it in a very stressed and quick manner, skipping several things only ot be chewed out by my parents later for doing a poor job, then forced to redo it in an even more stressed manner resulting in heightened anger and tension and resulting in a shouting match. I ran away because I needed time away from both of them after my father began to insult me and my friends and various "furry stuff". I couldn't take it. Probably not the best decision, but what's done is done. I really just want to know what I can do. I hate being trapped here, but I have little choice in the matter. I never expected things would turn this drastic over such a...seemingly little thing. I'm mostly to blame for that, but my parents share the blame when it comes to actions they took. Now I have blisters on my feet and I'm very sore from walking for 4 miles on broken asphalt with no shoes or socks. It's just so hard to stay here now, but I have to. It turned into a shouting match between me and my mother until she tried to do her little stupid guilt trips. Then my father began insulting me and my friends and I just couldn't take it anymore. So I ran. They were chasing me so I didn't have time to get my shoes or get in my car and instead got about a mile down the road barefoot before my father caught up to me in his golf cart. For the next mile, I walked and he tried talking to me from the golf cart all the while trying to get me to come home, but I refused. Eventually he left telling me to call when I needed to be picked up, but after mentioning that if anyone tried to pick me up, they would get in trouble with the law. So I kept walking until I got to a friend's house who lived nearby. But they weren't home. I sat on their porch for a while and waited, then tried calling a friend only to find out that my father, who had just said to call him when I needed to, had just shut off my phone, so I couldn't call anyone except for emergency services. So I walked back, in the dark, about 2 miles as it started to rain while lightning and thunder was also occurring to my semi-friend's house and she drove me home. So now I'm home, pissed off, phone still shut off (another lie from my father who said he would turn it on "in a minute" after I got home), and trapped. They hid the keys to my car. Unfortunately, I can't call the cops because they own the car. So now I'm trapped in this hellhole. I'm being held against my will with just an iPad for use. What can I do to protect myself and get out of this place? They've already used the "our house, our rules. You should get your own place" schtik. I'm going crazy and I can't even call anyone or they'll listen in on the landline. What can I do? A very distressed and POed DT * * * Dear DT, When people come to be your age parent-child conflicts are typical. This is a phenomenon based upon Nature. Nature wants children to leave the nest and go on their way to form families on their own. But if the children have no reason to leave because they adore their parents, are provided for, and are completely content to stay at home, they would never leave and Nature would face a quandary indeed. So, instead, Nature implants a kind of itching powder underneath our skins that makes us want to leave in our teen years. Usually, this itching powder just makes us antsy, restless and wanting to get out of the house to explore the world on our own. Good parents recognize this need to leave the nest and allow their little birds to fly; other parents cling to “their baby” and smother them, which has a bad side effect in that the itching powder now makes the child angry and resentful. This is what is happening to you. Papabear does not doubt that your parents love you. If they didn’t, your father would not have bothered to pursue you in the golf cart. Similarly, they insult your friends and such because they worry you might be “hanging out with the wrong crowd.” Misguided? Probably. Mean-spirited? No, not at all. Both sides of this argument are suffering from the fact that a major change in all your lives is about to occur: you’re going off to college. There is going to be a rough period of adjustment when emotions for all parties will be frayed. Things will be said in the heat of it all that are not truly meant. What you need to do, DT, is look for the love underneath. You’re in for a bumpy ride, but you are actually a lucky person because your parents care about you, hard as that is now for you to see through the red haze of resentment. When your parents regurgitate tired platitudes like “Our house, our rules,” it will take a supreme effort on your part not to roll your eyes. Restrain yourself anyway. It might not seem like it, but soon you will be out in the world and, looking back, you might even long for the days when your parents took care of your needs and you didn’t have to be responsible for bills and taxes and fixing your broken-down car. You will be an adult. Someday, God willing, you will have kids of your own and then you can wreak your revenge by telling them, “My house, my rules.” Calm down, hon. Everything will be all right in the end. Papabear |
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