Dear Papa Bear,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He is in the closet and it affects how much we can communicate with each other. His major fear is that his family and friends won't accept him. I've never had problems with telling people that I'm gay. But, I can understand his fear, because we're both from very rural parts of Minnesota, and I've had my fair share of trouble. I've come to terms with him refusing to tell his friends and family. I'm really curious as to what you think could be done to ease him to tell his parents. I love him so much, and I'll continue to sneak around like we do ... but it's not something I enjoy doing. What could I do? Sincerely, Sammi * * * Hi, Sammi, Every person’s family is different. You may not have had too much of a problem telling your family you were gay because they were pretty understanding about it, which is very lucky for you, but your boyfriend’s family may not be so tolerant, which is why he refuses to tell them and why he is still in the closet. Under no circumstances would I advise you to try to force him out of the closet, and especially don’t go telling people who don’t know he is gay that he’s gay. I remember when my ex did that, and it was super-embarrassing for me. Do not coax or pressure him in any way. Let him make the decision on his own when he is ready to do so. In the meantime, just let him know that you love and support him no matter what, and if he needs to stay in the closet for a while, you will still be there for him. Remember, they also serve who only stand and wait. One day, inevitably, he will come out. Be patient. Hugs, Papabear
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Hello, Papabear,
My question is not urgent at all. My question is one that I believe will only be answered by a well-experienced furry who is unbiased. I've now been part of the furry fandom for about two months. I’m well underexperienced when it comes to a lot of topics. One topic I just don't understand: Why does the Furry Fandom and Brony Fandom not get along? Is it not two sides to the same coin? I've tried posting it in a few forums but got a lot of negative responses only in return, which really surprised me. (Note, I’m straight) I ask the question also because I found a new guy at work and befriended him and after talking he said he was a Brony, and in response I replied I'm a furry. All was going really good; actually thought, "Hey, a new friend," but instead the conversation halted and he got up and left! What? Not to mention there are a couple of videos on YouTube of some furries hating Brony. So am I missing something? Did a war happen that happen between the two fandoms? I don't really understand. White Tiger * * * Dear White Tiger, I have to be honest with you: I have not had much exposure to Bronies, personally. I have seen the “My Little Pony” show, but had to stop because it was so excessively sweet I was fearful of getting Type 2 Diabetes. It makes me want to poke my eyes out with farm implements and rub salt into the sockets. But that is just personal taste. This being said, I do not personally hate Bronies just because they like that show any more than I hate people who watch Honey Boo Boo. I also feel that, since they are fans of a show about anthropomorphized ponies, they fall well within the category of furry and should be treated as such. I have done some research on the topic as to why furries hate Bronies. I believe that one reason is the crass commercialism of the show and how many MLP fans buy lots of MLP merchandise and go so absolutely gaga over all of it. In fairness, furries buy a lot of junk, too, but it is not all centered on just one show. Another thing I read about is that furries often complain that Bronies are even bigger drama queens than many furries and that they see themselves as victims (like furries don't?). Furries have complained about the sense of humor of Bronies being overly punny, their tendency to turn everything into horse-related terms (like “clopping” for masturbation—as if furries don’t do the same thing), and of hijacking forums with incessant chattering about ponies. Here is an interesting letter I found on the Internet written by a Brony that criticizes his fellow Bronies: http://theultamate.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-bronys-letter-to-other-bronies-why-i.html. So it seems that even Bronies hate Bronies. Ouch, I see a parallel, as I have come across furries who hate and criticize furries. Again, this is all secondhand to me. I have never had any problems with Bronies, but then again, I don’t know any very well. I also feel that many of the complaints against Bronies are for offenses that I’ve seen furries commit themselves. Are Bronies more heinous about it? I have no idea, but I see a real case here of the pot calling the kettle black. This entire furry v. Brony thing is just another example of unnecessary drama, in Papabear’s opinion. There is already too much hate and prejudice in the world; why add to it? And it works both ways: it’s not just furries hating Bronies, but Bronies hating on furries. It is such a shame that you were making friends with this Brony and he cut you off without a second thought just because you’re a furry. That’s pretty shallow, in this bear’s book. To me, that’s just as bad as hating someone for the color of their skin or their sexual orientation before you even get to know them. It’s also a reason why I am still working on the American Furry Association, which will accept members of all kinds, including Bronies, as long as they are interested in anthropomorphic animals. The AFA will be a national effort to unite, rather than divide, furries and furry-related fandoms. Long story short, White Tiger, nothing specifically happened between furries and Bronies to start this feud. It is even less logical than the tragic Hatfields vs. McCoys story—at least that feud started because of a murder. No one’s been killed here, so let’s just chill out. It is just another sad case of human nature in which people do not like those who are different in any way. None of the arguments I’ve heard against Bronies is a good reason to hate them or treat them badly. The wise furry treats people on an individual basis, rather than writing off an entire group of people just because you don’t like what they might represent and enjoy themselves. Sure, some Bronies might be in-your-face about ponies and “Friendship is Magic” or whatever, but others probably are not nearly so derpy about it. In fact, I have a good furiend whose brother is a Brony and they get along great. The reason some furries hate Bronies is the same reason some white people hate black people, some Catholics hate Protestants, some Americans hate Mexicans, yadda yadda yadda. It’s all about being narrow-minded, intolerant, and ignorant. A true furry is someone who takes the best attributes of being human and being animal and combines them with perfection. A bad furry is someone who forgets that the fandom should be about acceptance and camaraderie and sharing in the fun and spirit of the anthropomorphic arts and community. Perhaps you can be one of those good furries, White Tiger, who extends a paw to a pony hoof in friendship, leading by example. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear I live in Northern Minnesota with my grandmother. I'm 19 years old and I've been looking for a job for the past two months. I was recently let go of my last job, and I haven't been able to find any. I've looked and looked, I've made calls, I've had interviews, but it doesn't seem like interested in hiring me. My grandmother is getting rather fed up with me not having a job, but she puts up with me anyways. I have an option to move to Fargo, North Dakota and live with a friend so I can find some work; granted I couldn't find any last time I went there... Do you think relocating to an entirely new area is a smart choice? I just don't know who to turn to ask about this. I've asked myself several times and it always seems that I'm more trouble than I'm truly worth. :P What do you think I should do? Sammi Foxxpaw * * * Hi, Sammi, It might very well be a good decision to move to look for work, but don’t put the cart before the horse. Before you make the leap anywhere, you can do a lot online to explore job opportunities in areas where you might like to live. Based on my reading, North Dakota could be a good place to move if you work in the health care industry. Places like Fargo (surprisingly!) have become retirement meccas because there is a very positive doctor-to-patient ratio, low crime rate, and reasonable housing costs. Another industry in North Dakota that is booming is the oil industry (seehttp://money.cnn.com/2011/09/28/pf/north_dakota_jobs/index.htm). The good thing about this is that whenever there is a boom in one industry, such as health care or oil, a lot of related and support businesses grow up around them as a result. Go online and look up newspaper sites where your friend lives and check out the want ads to give yourself an idea of what may be available for you. Here’s a very interesting chart as well (source: http://wpcarey.asu.edu/bluechip/jobgrowth/jgu_states.cfm). As you can see, North Dakota ranks at the top for job growth. But be a little wary of the stats because this is based on percentage of population. So, the number of jobs added in North Dakota is actually a lot fewer than in Utah, Texas, or Colorado, for instance.
You can see, too, that Minnesota ranks 14th in job growth, not too bad but not all that great. If you are having no luck finding work where you are not, expanding your search to other states is actually a sound choice. But, instead of moving to your friend’s place and then looking for work, search for jobs first, and then make arrangements to move. That’s the smart thing to do. Another smart thing to do is to get more education. You say you are 19, so I am guessing you only have a high school degree. Remember, the more education you have, the easier it is to find work, as well as higher-paying work. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
My mate and I have a very taboo relationship, we also have had some very hard times and it is not getting any easer. We are both Wiccan, in a three-way relationship with no third partner. We have chosen to have her as the bread winner and me as the homemaker. We also have a pup that my mate’s closed-minded mom will hardly let us see. She has set up some demands for us to get her back, but one of them is near impossible for me to do because of my mental and physical condition. I know I love her and I know she loves me, the hard part is that we are at each others’ throats ninety percent of the time. Some of it I know why, but a lot of it I don't get. She can be very childish at times and I can be very overbearing and controlling at times, but we both strive to make each other happy, but it seems to be going nowhere. At time she seems to be unattracted to me, which I get; she was a lesbian before we meet. The relationship has its ups and downs but the downs are seeming to get longer. Papa bear, what should I do: leave or stay and appease her mother? Glaser * * * Hi, Glaser, Indeed, a complicated relationship. Let me see if I can get this straight: you are a threesome of two? That’s certainly different. You have a baby together, yet she is a lesbian. Her mother somehow has custody of the child and won’t let you have the cub until you meet some conditions you don’t feel you can meet because you have some physical and mental issues. You and your mate are in love but most of your time is spent fighting. I think I can see why her mother would not see this as a suitable and stable home for your child, and will assume that a judge has given her custody because of this. If that is not the case and custody has not been legally awarded to her, there is nothing stopping you from getting your child back other than you (and your possibly being intimidated by her mother, and your mate letting you be intimidated). You don’t explain the case there, so I cannot determine who is in the right. Is she trying to keep the child from you because of your disabilities, or is it because you are a Wiccan and have an unconventional relationship and your mate’s mother doesn’t agree with your lifestyle? What you should do is try and think what is best for your child. You should try and be the best parent you possibly can for the child. Whether that means going to work, or simply being at home and nurturing your progeny and giving the kid a loving, happy home so that he or she can develop normally, then that’s what you should do. If you need help with this because of your “mental and physical condition,” then you should explore government assistance programs that may help you with those needs and to establish a more stable home life for the child. You should do all you can to not fight with your mate, and you should especially not fight in front of your child. If this becomes impossible, you and your mate will need to live separately, but with the agreement that you stay in your child’s life as much as possible. That is, shared custody. By doing these things, you are not striving to “appease” the mother; you are getting your priorities straight, which should be 1) child first, 2) you and mate second, 3) mother and other family third. From what you have been saying, the relationship is not working out, which can happen even when both parties supposedly love each other. Papabear can’t help you here since you do not adequately explain what you are fighting about, but I can tell you what’s important. I hope you can work things out, but you must put the well being of your cub first. Good luck, Papabear Hello, PapaBear,
I have written to you before, but I am in need of more advice. See, I am mated to this wonderful guy in Wisconsin (and have been since almost three years back.), and I myself live in Denmark, Europe. In November-ish, 2011, I met another fur in Denmark whom fell head over heels in love with me and he still has a really deep crush on me. Now, I've lived in Denmark since late 2010 together with other furs (I moved there from England due to homelessness) and the other furs have moved out, and since early December 2012, that fur that has a crush on me have moved in as I asked him to. (I have had a depression since 11 years of age, I have a hard time keeping positive if left alone for too long.) And since then, I have felt worse and worse, as he keeps getting either pissed off with me or really depressed/annoyed with me, because he knows he can't have me. I am stuck here and right now, I don't know what to do. I mean, I have to move to Sweden later this year as I am a Swedish citizen and I will be marrying my fiancé. But what to do about my friend, I would hate to lose him as he can be rather sweet. And what to do about him the last time here? Please answer this. Rainbow Cheetah * * * Dear Rainbow, I understand that you asked this person to live with you because you didn’t want to be alone, but as you found out you were asking for trouble when you knew that this guy had a crush on you but you already gave your heart to another. It’s not at all surprising that he is upset with you; he probably thinks you were leading him on by your invitation, even though you weren’t. You knew that, but he didn’t. Sometimes in life we make mistakes, and there is no magical elixir that can make them *poof!* disappear. You made a mistake and now you find yourself in a spot with no easy resolution. I assume that your friend knows you are moving back to Sweden, yes? To be with your lover and get married, right? Since it is already May, that can’t be too far off. The best thing you can do for now is always be kind, considerate, and honest with him. He needs to be mature enough to recognize the reality of his situation and that he cannot have you as a mate. With luck, he will understand and you can keep him as a friend. We cannot control the actions or emotions of other people. All we can do is be kind and honest and hope they will manage the rest. Good luck with your future move back to Sweden and congratulations on the forthcoming nuptials. Papabear |
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