Hi there, Papabear,
You helped me out before with a question I had about my friends and we are doing a lot better now, so I wanted to thank you for that, but I have a different question now about myself. For the last couple of years I have been making plans and saving up to move out of my mom’s house, and move overseas with my mate. I've told a few friends and they think that I'm crazy for wanting to move over from the states to go to Australia to be with someone whom I've never met but am in love with. But, like I said, me and her have been making these plans pretty much since we started going out 3 years ago, getting the visa, passport, saving up for the ticket and everything. I have almost everything done in preparations, except for one thing: how do I tell my mom? I know you might not be able to help me out, but you are so good at helping furs with a problem and I've been having this one ever since I started making plans. My mom is overprotective of me and was scared when I went to go visit a friend on the other side of the U.S., not much less go to another continent. Me and her have a great relationship between each other since my father left and I don't want to make her worry or to try and guilt trip me, trying to change my mind on something that I know is set in stone. So I guess I'm asking, “What is the right time and how do I bring it up to her and explain it to her?” I hope to hear back from you soon, thank you in advance. ~Samantha Toxx * * * Hi, Samantha, You’re most welcome, and so glad I could help. Now, about your concerns. A few things I can say on this topic.... For one, if I were you I would be extremely careful about moving across the world, let alone closer by, for someone you met on the Internet and have never seen in person. I know, I know, you’re in love with your online mate, but Papabear has known several cases of couples who met over the Internet, then moved in together and it didn’t work out. So, think of this scenario: you move clear across the world, move in with your mate, and after a couple months you’re driving each other crazy and she kicks you out (an Internet relationship in no way resembles a living-together relationship; trust me on this one). What then? Would you stay in Australia? Would you try and move back? Consider all the possibilities and make plans for all contingencies before you make such a huge move in your life, both geographically and emotionally. That being said, you are 21 years old, which is old enough to make your own decisions. Unless there is some big reason for it that you’re not telling me in your letter (such as you have an illness of some kind), then it is really time for your mother to stop being overprotective and recognize you’re a grown woman. This, too, is assuming that you are making this big move using your own resources and not by borrowing money from your family. If that's the case, then the people you're borrowing money from have a say in this. Now then, let’s say that everything between you and your mate will go hunky dory and you can pay for the trip yourself and everything is a go! To your questions: how to tell Mom? When to tell Mom? The answer is to tell her now. Certainly, don’t wait until the last minute, as in, “Can’t make dinner tonight, Mom, I’m leaving for Australia.” That would just be a slap in the face for someone who has cared for you all her life. You say you have a great relationship with your mom. If that is true, then great communication should be no problem. Tell her now what your plans are. Bad enough you’ve been planning this for three years behind her back, so don’t keep this news from her any longer. How do you bring it up to her.... Well, I would also hope that she knows you’re a lesbian. If she’s cool with that already, then that is very promising that she’s a good mom. Next, does she know your mate at all? Does she know you’ve been talking to this other woman all this time? If not, you have got to introduce her now. If she does know her, then great! That should ease her mind somewhat that you aren’t moving into a stranger’s place in a foreign country. Give her all the background information first, and then tell her about your moving plans. The best way to bring things up like this is to make sure all the cards are on the table and play fairly with your mother. Consider that your move is going to make it very difficult for her to see you and that she will miss you terribly and it will be very hard on her. Be kind to a mother’s heart. All those precautions being stated, I hope that it works out for you and that you are very happy with your mate in Australia. Good luck! Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I’m a very young furry doing art secretly. I have been a furry for about 2 years now. My father is the type of guy who makes fun of things that are strange. If you tell him something, he gives you 1 answer and leaves it at that. He gets mad easily. I feel lonesome (hence the name lone owl) and I would like to get more involved, but without them knowing, and absolutely no furries live by me. I recently heard about your site and thought you could help me. I watch videos on the Internet, but still feel like this is missing in my life. Please help me. Sincerely, Lone Owl * * * Dear Owl, Welcome to the furry fandom, hon. It can be very tough to be a furry, especially when you’re underage and living with parents who don’t understand anything that is beyond the accepted norm. My sympathies. Plus, you’re apparently living in an area that is a bit isolated. One of the wonderful things about modern life is the Internet, which is how I discovered furries and made a lot of friends. But it is also frustrating because so many of those friends are far away and sometimes I never see them in person. Okay, so here are some tips that may help: 1) The Internet is your lifeline to the fandom, so guard your Web privileges carefully. I hate saying this, especially since I just wrote a letter about being honest with one’s parents, but if your father, especially, is going to freak about furries, you’re going to have to conceal your browsing behavior. At your age, I hope you are not getting into the kink of furry. Be VERY wary of that. Keep it clean at all costs. After looking at furry sites, delete your history and your cookies. I really hate that you have to do this, but this isn’t about you doing something criminal; this is about you being who you are in a household that sounds like it would promptly reject and oppress you. So be careful. 2) Since you can’t go to a furcon or furmeet, especially since you’re too young to even drive, you can try and create the furry experience via virtual worlds. If you haven’t discovered it already, go to SecondLife.com. An entire virtual world awaits you there. You can create a fursona there and there are many parts of SecondLife that are places for furries to hang out. You could also have a lot of fun with The Furry Gaming Alliance (http://furrygamingalliance.com/). 3) Modern technology has brought us the wonders of videochat programs like Skype, which is free to use if both people have a copy. IM software like Yahoo!IM also has video chat. It’s the next best thing to being there. 4) Your story is one of many reasons why I and others are working on founding the American Furry Association, which will be a national advocacy group for furries. One committee is being devoted entirely to young and new furries who need help navigating the fandom and getting connected to it. You can learn more at www.americanfurryassociation.org. We’re still in the planning stages, but I am hoping to get it launched later this year. Right now, Owl, you are a bit too young to forge out on your own and get personally connected with furries, but happily you have the Internet, a useful tool that can help you a lot. Guard your surfing privileges well. In the meantime, launch an education program for your father to slowly get him used to the idea of furry. Surround yourself with G-rated furry stuff, such as Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons and books like Watership Down and the Redwall tales of Brian Jacques. This is to get your father more comfortable with anthropomorphic fiction and art, a process that could take years, but you have lots of time right now as you’re not going anywhere. Hope these suggestions help. And, if you feel lonely again, feel free to drop Papabear an email. Hugs, Papabear I'm not sure how to start this, but let me see what I can do. Lately I've been feeling really down, mostly because of parents, whether it be my own or others. What I mean by that is, I had plans to move out and with a friend in like August, but his father refuses to let him live on his own. As for my parents, the best way I would describe them would be "control-freaks." No matter what I do, whether "secretly" or not, they always have to know what I am doing. And also lately, one of them said they want me to work more because the other parent's job has been going downhill lately. Which makes it sound like they plan on using MY hard earned money. I still plan on moving out, just to a different place now and with a different friend. I will admit that I have gone down the "road" of suicide once, and once I didn't do it, I told myself I would not do it again. Lately however, With the amount of depression lately, mostly from that move plan not working out, I feel like I could snap at any second. So my question is, what should I do to make sure I can "Stay in one piece"? Thanks in advance, Kumi * * * Dear Kumi, Well, first of all, I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and your friend. There could be a reason his father doesn’t want his son to live alone or even with a roommate, but lack of information prevents my speculation on this part, so let’s move on to your parents. Kumi, they may seem like “control freaks” but good parents want to know what their children are up to, and when you try to do things “secretly” and they find out about it, they then have reason to believe you are not being honest with them and that makes them pry into your life even more. The reason parents do this is not to make your life a living hell; it is because they care about you and don’t want something bad to happen to you. (When you should be worried is when your parents don't give a damn what you're doing--then there's a problem). If you want to have a better relationship with your parents, then be 100% open with them about what you are up to, what you are thinking, and how you are feeling. Good parents care about all of that and are there to help you. Helping each other doesn’t just go from parent to child, but also from child to parent (shocker!) ALL members of a family—true, functioning families—love and support and try to help each other. So, now one of your parents is having trouble with work and is earning less, and you feel resentful that they are asking you to work more to help out. You feel it is “MY ... money.” Well, considering that it costs $235,000 to raise a child to 18 in the United States today, on average, and that is NOT counting college, perhaps you might want to repay the favor a little bit?
None of what you have written in your letter is all that horrible, Kumi, and I think you need to take a deep breath and gain a little perspective. No one close to you has died or is gravely ill, you are not horribly sick or disabled, you do not have abusive parents, you have not lost the love of your life, you are not homeless, you have food to eat and clothes to wear. I will not make light of your depression, however. If you are truly feeling depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, you need to talk to someone about it. You might, for example, have a treatable medical condition that could be alleviated with prescriptions, but you would need to see a psychiatrist to determine that. If you don’t feel like you can go to your parents with this, then you need to find someone else. There are many suicide hotlines out there, and there are also groups like Boys’ Town (www.boystown.com) that help troubled youth such as yourself. You might do well to seek them out. Just because your plans of moving out didn’t work is no reason to literally kill yourself. That is the very definition of an overreaction. Calm down, and if you can't calm down, then get some help, hon. There’s no shame in getting help. I’ve done it and many other people have, too, with positive results. Good luck. Please write again and let me know how things go with you. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I recently came upon your column and find what you do here to be fascinating and of great aid to people like myself. That is why I would like your opinion about something important to me. I am a closet MtF Trangender. I've confided this fact only to only those I really trust. I've been struggling with self identity as a result of this. I've known as I truly a woman since I was about 9 years old. Once, during my teen years, I made the mistake of confiding that information to a psychologist, which unfortunately resulted in my parents learning about it. It did not go over well. I find it difficult to find balance in my life, knowing that I am essentially forced to live what feels like a stranger's life because I cannot live my own. I know that I have a need that is going unfulfilled and it is the direct result of my gender identity. It is painful to know people only see me as a man when I wish they would see beneath the skin to the woman underneath. For me, undergoing gender reassignment wouldn't be enough. In some cases, it would be worse. The general public doesn't think fondly of transgendered folks such as myself and the furry fandom isn't that far dissimilar. I long to someday be a true woman, but it leaves me at a major impasse emotionally. How do I cope with this? Thank you for all you do, Papabear. Fondly, Starlight * * * Hi, Starlight, That’s a lovely name. Although it's upsetting that the psychologist told your parents, I would seriously be surprised if they didn’t know or at least suspect their son was having gender identity issues. Most children don’t think their parents know, but I’d bet $100 that at least your mother knew, if not both parents. Papabear understands the transgender issue, and I hope my readers do, too. This is a very real condition in which a person feels that his or her physical body does not match up with how he or she feels on the inside. In a way, I think a number of furries feel like they are animal spirits trapped in human form. I feel like this often. Unfortunately for me, I cannot get a humanectomy followed by an ursine transplant. Fortunately for you, Starlight, you can do something about it if you want to. I understand, too, your reticence to get surgery or hormone therapy, even though it has improved tremendously over the years and has become remarkably effective. You are worried about rejection by society and your family. That is a real possibility. The alternative, though, is to remain painfully unhappy and disoriented in a body that doesn’t match who you are. This bear is unqualified to help you through that process, so I would like too recommend a website to you that offers resources that could help: PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) at www.pflag.org helps not only homosexuals but also transgender people (http://community.pflag.org/transgender) and offers resources that can help. There are chapters around the country and, hopefully, one near you. Sometimes it takes courage to find happiness, and the path ahead of you will take courage, indeed, to walk upon. The way you cope with it is by finding people who understand and support you and can be there for you when you need them—and, when you are strong enough, you will be able to return the favor. Gather that support group around you and even if you stumble down the road you will be able to navigate it to your destiny. I wish you luck, Papabear Hello Papa, I am just getting into the furry community (like SoFurry) and I met a Dragon. I like him and it seems that he likes me too. But before that I met another Dragon. And I don't know if he still likes me. What should I do? Thanks in advice, Dean * * * Dear Dean, Thanks for your letter. Well, you don't tell me much about either dragon, so I'm just winging it here. First of all, at your age (18), it is okay to date more than one person as long as you aren't telling any of them that you are being exclusive. So, if you like, date both of them. After you get to know them better, you'll gradually figure out which one is the better choice for you ... or it could even be that neither one is and you find someone else entirely. It is extremely rare for someone to fall in love with a "soul mate" as a teenager, finding exactly the right person, and spending the rest of their days together until they die. That's what happens in a Disney movie, not real life (in general, there are extremely rare occasions where it can happen, so no letters about that, please, thanks). Even if you do fall in love and the other person falls in love with you and you go all the way to the Chapel of Love, chances are 50% or better you will eventually separate and find someone else.
So don't stress about it. This is a time in your life when you are getting to know love and relationships. During this time, you probably will find love, lose love, and find it again. Always treat the other person with respect and kindness, and see where it goes. Part of the adventure is not knowing. Relax and enjoy the ride. Hugs, Papabear Underage Furry Worries that Older Friend Might Want More Than a Platonic Roomshare at Furcon4/7/2013 Dear Papabear,
So … I’ve been a typical Red Fox within the fandom for a few years now. Since I began, it has done wonders for me, introducing me to friends when I had very few, helping me get in touch with people that in turn helped me improve my writing, and making me miles more comfortable with my own sexuality (I’m bisexual, to avoid confusion). However, for the first time, it’s created a bit of a problem … well … not necessarily a problem, but … I guess I’ll just explain. A couple of months ago, I met a fellow fur on a role-playing forum. Nothing dirty, mind you, just a regular action/adventure type deal. We liked each other’s characters a lot and got to talking to one another; one thing led to another, and soon we exchanged Skype accounts and began chatting for hours at a time just about every day, sometimes extending long into the night. I became quickly aware of two things: one, he’s openly gay, and two, enjoys talking about explicit topics, and while we do talk about a number of things that are clean as well, we always tend to drift back to the other stuff. Some of it is straightforward as if we were sharing any other interests with each other, and other is playful teasing, but yeah, the topic comes up a lot in conversation. He’s not being a perv about it or anything. I mean, there’s a bit of an age gap between us (although nothing really all that major) and for the next few months or so, I’ll still be seventeen, so without proper perspective, this would probably seem a tad creepy, but again, it isn’t like that (at least, I don’t think it is). The very first thing he did before he brought up this topic for the first time was ask how old I was, and when I replied saying I was seventeen, he knew where he should draw the line and proceeded with caution. He even checks constantly if I’m okay with the conversation we’re in and has beat himself up over conversing this way with someone who is underage, calling himself a creeper on one of his lower days. And again, the majority of what we talk about is nothing more than an exchange of information … what we’re into, what we’ve done, that kind of thing. The playful teasing … well … I don’t think he’s hitting on me … most of the time, when he does it, it comes up when we’re talking about stuff we would be willing to do, certain fantasies or kinks or something like that and then he just slips in a “Wait a few months ;)”. And really it’s never anything more than that. Although I’m not used to any of this … I don’t know if you want to call it flirting, but it seems accurate enough … I’m not uncomfortable with it in any way, shape, or form. It’s actually nice that I get to talk about this kind of thing with somebody else. I mean, I have guy friends in real life, but none of them are gay, none of them are furs, and a good chunk of them attend the same, private, catholic school that I’ve been forced to attend for high school, so I always tread lightly whenever the subject of sex and girls comes up. With my furry friends online, we have a lot more serious conversations whether it be venting or trading story ideas … this is my first friend where I can just be completely open about the topic without worrying about being judged or the other party not being interested in hearing it. So … your probably wondering what the problem is … well … again, it’s not really a problem, but it’s something I feel I need to talk to someone about and I’m not sure who to ask, so … I guess that’s why these sites exist, right? :) So, a while ago, in one of our conversations, we brought up the topic of a furry convention that is close to both of us (apparently, we only live a state apart from each other) and he asked me if I was going. Unfortunately, the possibility for me to go is quite impossible … at least, it was, anyway. You see, while I would be in college by that time, out of my parents’ house, and still well within reach of this convention, the only way to reserve a room at the hotel I would need to stay at is through a credit card, which is something I would have by then, but my parents would also be keeping an eye on it and they would be looking out for any huge spending, which four nights at a hotel would be definite huge spending, as well as raise some questions, so, I opted not to take that risk. However, he then made the proposition that I could stay with him and his two friends who have already rented the room, and then I could just pay him in cash for my share of the room when I get there. Of course, I was ecstatic, immediately said yes without a second thought and was all excited for getting to attend my first furry convention. However, the more I think about it, the more I get…nervous…not really uncomfortable, just nervous ... while he doesn’t seem to be actively hitting on me, he has made no indication that he’s actually opposed to the idea of us getting together and has made it clear that he is ok with casual interactions with others, as he has stated before that he is in a non-exclusive, highly sexual relationship with one of his friends. So…I’m not quite sure what to think about what’s going to happen when we get there. Is it completely insane for me to be questioning this? After all, we just spent the last few months learning about each other’s likes and dislikes regarding these kinds of activities and he knows that I’ll be eighteen by the time it happens, so I don’t think it’s completely crazy to think that something might happen. I’m not uncomfortable with the idea of a hook-up so long as it’s with someone I know and trust, and he fits the bill, as I’m more comfortable in my own skin talking to him than I have been in a long while…the more I think about it, the more I think something might happen. And again, I’m not uncomfortable about the idea … just … nervous. I’m not sure if it’s good nervous or bad nervous, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach for the first time in a LONG while and I have no clue what to expect. I’m not even sure that I have a specific question in mind, but … I do want somebody else’s opinion on this and I’m not quite sure who to talk to so … thoughts? Am I reading too much into this? And if I’m not, is it necessarily a bad idea if I go through with it … I’m really not sure what to think. Thanks ahead of time and sorry if this letter ended up being pretty long. -Remji * * * Hi, Remji, In your letter you don’t say whether or not you’re a virgin, but it sounds as if you might be. Even if you are not, I’m guessing you are rather inexperienced. That’s as it should be for a 17 year old. Now, based on what you have said, this older fur sounds like he’s pretty cool and has a healthy sex drive. It appears he wants to be friends, and is into you not for sex, but, sure, it has likely crossed his mind though he is being careful because of your age. That’s a good thing. You say you are nervous because you don’t know what will happen if you room with him. The implication there is that if this guy makes a move on you, you won’t be able to resist his advances and will go to bed with him. If that’s the case, then you should not go to the con. However, if you feel you can accept his offer of being a roommate without risk of, as Sheldon Cooper would say, coitus, then remember this: YOU are in control of your body and whether or not you want to sleep with someone. If he forces himself on you, that’s what’s known as rape—and if you feel that is a possibility, again, don’t go, but it doesn’t sound like that is a danger. I would highly recommend, though, that if you room with him you don’t do foolish things such as drink alcohol or do drugs of any kind that might impair your judgment and cause you to do something you’ll regret. Also, if the other guy wants to have some yiff time with someone else in the room, come to an agreement beforehand, such as agreeing that there can be no sex in the middle of the night when you want to get some sleep, and your agreeing to not be in the room when your roommate does want a little private time there. Such things are the reason God invented texting, don’t ya know ;-) Keep it clean and sober and you should be fine; there is no need to be nervous (my goodness, you use a lot of ellipses!) You can have a great time at the furcon and, I certainly hope, develop a stronger, happy friendship with this online friend of yours. Hope it works out for you, Papabear What's up, Papa Bear?
I am an amateur bodybuilder with a Lion Fursona (secret to the outside world). I consider myself a very gung-ho kind of guy, especially when I'm in the fitness center (usually 4 times a week). And I seem to be doing well. However, there's this guy (a furry that shall remain nameless) that I often talk to via an instant messenger service (which shall also remain nameless) that more-often-than-not tells me that just about everything I'm doing in the gym is wrong. I'd like to think that I'm making decent progress; I'm about 6' 2.5" and roughly 205 pounds, but he never seems to agree. Everyone else I talk to seems to think I'm doing all right though most of the people I talk to aren't gym-goers like me and this guy. The confusion/frustration here has me tearing my mane out! This guy has been my friend for approximately 5 years (give or take some time) so I would much rather not break it off with him, but I would like him to stop harping on me here. How can I tell him to knock it off and be happy for me WITHOUT hurting his feelings? Thank you, and Happy Easter! Big Leo * * * Dear Big Leo, You don’t mention whether your friend is a professional bodybuilder, but let’s assume he is an amateur like you. The easiest answer here would be to hire a trainer at the gym and get his coaching; then see how it compares to that of your other friend. You can then tell your friend, “Thank you for your advice. I am glad you care enough about me to try to coach me on my bodybuilding. I recently hired a trainer and he says (insert whatever here) and so that is what I’m going to do on his professional advice.” If you can’t afford a professional trainer, I would assume that you have gotten some books and read up on the subject some in an effort to do things correctly. You probably also have some buddies at the gym who help you out, yes? As I’m sure you know, if you do not lift heavy weights correctly, you are putting yourself at risk of serious injury. So, above all, do things to be safe: wear a hernia belt, do exercises with the correct posture, wear gloves to avoid having the bar slip, breathe properly, warm up before a workout, and work your way up slowly on the weights rather than trying to do too much at once. In addition to practicing safe weight training, you should remember to try and work all parts of your body so as to not overdevelop some areas while neglecting others (have you ever seen a body builder with big arms and chest and scrawny legs? looks ridiculous). You should also intermix your weight training with cardio to improve your heart and lung function (my sister—who is quite the health nut—has told me she has led muscle-bound guys on hikes who can’t even make it up a hill without panting and taking breaks). Try circuit training, too, which helps build endurance as well as muscle mass. I’m not sure what your friend is critiquing you on, but if you are doing the above you should be fine. I suppose people all have opinions on which exercises are the best, etc., but you can ask a dozen people about that and get a dozen differing opinions. After explaining to your friend what you are doing, tell him that your exercise routine is working very well for you and that you hope he will support you. At this point, if he still criticizes you, then I think what you have on your hands is more of a troll than a friend—someone who is trying to take you down in order to feel better about himself. That is not a healthy way to be, of course. You’re very concerned about hurting his feelings, but remember your feelings are just as important. If you cannot agree about your bodybuilding routines, then maybe it is a topic you should avoid. Perhaps you can talk about other things that interest the both of you. For instance, I have an uncle in Texas with very right-wing politics and who also thinks the Confederacy got a raw deal. I don’t agree with him about those things, but we can talk about other things. It is possible to be friends with someone who disagrees with some of your views. If you can’t agree to disagree and still be friends, then you have a real problem and your friendship might not work out. If you are lifting weights safely, then that is the only thing that should really matter to a friend who has your best interests in mind. If his goal is simply to impose his weightlifting philosophy on you and he is not mature enough to get that you have a right to disagree, then, after telling him you appreciate his concern, you’ll need to give him the come-to-Jesus speech and tell him, “Look, this works for me and this is how I’m doing it. Can we please move on now?” If his feelings are hurt by that, then maybe he needs to work on toughening up more than just his muscles. Hope that helps! Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I just recently discovered your site and figured I could use some advice. Firstly what you should know is that I am heavily divided Love and Hate, Life and Death, Courage and Cowardice in just about everything. I recently told my closest confidant (my sister) how depressed I was and had become of late and was about to explain all about everything I do lately and explain how I see things but she has the ability to make me explain things faster then I like and I told her how much I wanted to die and I can't stop thinking about her reaction was to start crying and ask me why "I" would leave her like that alone. I left and later made a appointment with a psychotherapist for depression and told myself wait to see what he says first before I do anything. I later go to a few appointments and being skeptical didn't tell him anything important while I tested how open to certain ideas he was, not very. Well, I being reasonable enough thought very hard about that talk and I realized I kinda resent the reaction I got. I mean not just that the entire reason I felt like shit was because I felt that she if anyone would understand how I felt. My sister who I lived with for 18 years and who was like my mother growing up didn't get why I was so miserable. I grew up in a single parent home with my Dad and sister and we were close. After that I decided to impose self exile from my family my Dad, my sister, my aunt (she was my other mother figure). I'll sit home and do nothing then hang with them anymore. To fill the void of my family I decided to let myself open up a bit to my friends but the main problem with that is that I have only told my close friend that I'm Bi and I know for a fact he and all my other friends hate furries so I can't even have a meaningful conversation with anybody about my life without ignorance. Doesn't help that I live in a rather small community lacking anything in the way of social interaction outside of drinking heavily or gambling. Anyway I'm just looking for anything that might give me hope the world is making me more jaded even thou I already misanthropic but in books are my escape from life. Animosh (the miserable and lonely) P.S. Animosh means Dog in Ojibwa in case you were wondering * * * Dear Animosh, As I have written in other columns, suicide is the worst option. I’ve tried it, luckily failed. And in failing got to see with my own eyes the misery I caused everyone from my supremely selfish act. What you need to understand, Animosh, when you do something like tell your sister you want to kill yourself (or actually do the deed) is that it is not all about you. Your life affects others around you, and killing yourself would cause those who love you great pain because they love you. Your sister’s reaction, therefore, is completely understandable, so please consider how your words might hurt her in the future. This is not to say that you should not go to your sister when you are troubled. People who are so depressed that they want to commit suicide should seek help. I have a feeling, though, that you didn’t approach your sister in a way that was seeking help but, rather, indulging in a self-pitying tirade that didn’t take her feelings into account. Am I right? Next, you went to a therapist. Good idea. But then you weren’t honest with him. So, how do you expect this therapist to help you if you don’t tell him what the matter really is? Of course they didn’t seem to react to your pain as they should because you didn’t give them the whole story. So, don’t blame the therapist; it was your lack of honesty that led to an inappropriate reaction on the part of the counselor. Next, you cut yourself out of your family’s life. Again, bad move. What did they do to you that they deserve such treatment? Sounds like your sister, in particular, has been very supportive of you. You even say you, your dad, and your sister have been very close. Your dismissive treatment of them is most immature, Animosh. Finally, you seek out friends who don’t like furries and even “hate” them. Why would you prefer such company to that of family members who love you? It boggles this bear’s mind. There’s a line from the original Star Trek series in which Mr. Spock says, “If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.” You, Animosh, have made your own purgatory. Are there things in the world to be depressed about? Sure, but there are also many good things in the world to be happy about, such as a family’s love. It is all about your attitude and whether or not you choose to be happy. That power is in your own paws. My advice to you, Animosh, is this: go back to communicating with your sister and father. When you have people who love you like that, to throw them away like trash is a sin. Also, stop thinking about only yourself and think of how your actions affect those who care about you. It is only when you do this that you will find yourself and happiness again. Papabear [Dear Readers: the reference in the below letter is to a previous letter published here]
Dear Papa Bear, Hello! It's me, Foxy! First off. Thank you for the advice you gave me and let's just say... I show them the perks of being non-norms and make others wish that they are non-norms. The post-script in your last letter to me gave me a thought and have a go for it. Although, it took me a good three hours before my fingers stop going numb and dialed his number. I didn't expect him to be so... worried. He sound so worried that he thinks I completely ignored or forgotten his existence. Here's the story... He told me to meet up at the lawn after sports practice. We meet and then... he hugged me. A hug that I felt it wasn't friendship hug. Luckily no one was around after sports practice so yeah. After that we hang out more. I noticed he hangs out with me more than he hangs out with his friends. I believe they knew I was gay and my friend didn't know. They might haze me but knowing that their "leader" has a close connection, they didn't bother and probably forgot about it. But I have a feeling he knew but he's not showing it. When we hang out his more... closer so to say. We share meals together, go to movies, see the carnival, play some games at the arcade and share one can of soda... yeah it happened with straws... He's more caring after the episode where I avoid him. I think he's making it up to me. He believes that friends stick together and he thinks the reason why I avoided him because he's paying more attention to his new friends rather than his best friend, me. One night the school have a party and he have drinks. I didn't join, wild parties is not my cup of tea. I decided to go to bed early but I receive a text, drunk text. He needed help, I went to the party entrance and I saw him wobble-walking down the path. He was so drunk he couldn't keep his balance. I helped him along the way. His dorm is quite far from the party venue and my dorm is closer. Plus he smelled like beer for the whole night. As we prepare for bed... I didn't expect him to strip off his clothes until he was only wearing briefs. He lay on the spare bed like he owned it and slept like a baby... Just by looking at him makes me... aroused? His body was so hot its like he's teasing me, its like he's telling me [i]"C'mon touch them muscles, grope them, worship them, I know you wanted to."[/i]. I resisted and tried as much as i can to keep my hands behaved. All those time hanging out and that one night... What is he telling me? Does he like me or just toying me? I can't tell! Papa Bear, help! Signed, Foxy the Blessed... and the Confused P.S. Drinking age in my place is 18. I think in America its 21. Correct me if I'm wrong. * * * Dear Foxy the Blessed, I’m glad you changed your name, and hope you are feeling better about yourself in other ways. I’m glad, too, that you have been seeing this guy who clearly has an interest in you, as well. I think, though, that you are being very guarded in your interpretation of his feelings for you. I mean, if I were just friends with a guy, I would not share a can of soda with two straws. Gosh, that’s kinda romantic, ya know? Kinda “Lady and the Tramp.” I do not believe his redoubled interest in you is just out of some feeling of trying to make it up to you because he was paying too much attention to other friends. And then what happens when he gets drunk and needs some help? Whom does he call? You! Also, you know, when people get drunk, their inhibitions often slip away, much like your boyfriend’s clothing in your bed. Was he sending you signals? Does Donald Trump have a bad comb over? It’s epic, baby. In your previous letter to Papabear, you called this guy “normal,” meaning straight. I think this guy is seriously hiding his romantic and possibly sexual feelings for you. You have shown some great restraint in not taking advantage of him when he was drunk. That’s a good thing, and I am proud of you for doing that. Now, when he is sober and clear-headed, I think you would do well to push the envelope with him. Tell him you really like him, and when he says, “I like you, too,” add: “No, I mean I really REALLY like you, if you know what I mean? I’m not sure how you feel about me, but if you feel the same way I want you to know my door is open for you.” I think he’ll get the message. Then don’t do anything else. Let him take the next step. This is something he has to do himself, as someone who is probably struggling with these emotions, but he needs to know first that you are willing to give him that big first kiss if he takes the lead. Wishing you luck and love, Papabear (Yes, drinking age is 21 in the USA) Greetings!
First of all, I really like giving advice and helping others just like you. There are a few things that leave me at a dead end though and this is why I decided to visit your column for advice on how to approach this troublesome boy I know. I've known this teenager (16 or 17) for a year now and for sure I can safely say that he is of the destructive sort. In the short span I've known him and met his mom, he has ran away at least twice, flunked a whole year of college, wrecked a lot of friendships he had and would escape problems when faced by them. He rarely talks about his problems and when he does, he always thinks negatively, like "I'll never be good at anything..." or "I'm fated to be alone..." He's constantly depressed and often, he channels his angst and depression out of him with sexual reliefs and favors from random strangers. I've heard that during his flunked year, he has had at least 20+ partners at a young age.. I'm worried for this boy, Papabear. I really DO want to help. I really pity his mom. But he just won't crack nor accept help from anyone. Serov * * * Greetings, Serov, In my travels I have met a lot of very depressed and negative people like this acquaintance of yours. Unless they suffer from an unhappy medical condition that causes depression (severe hormonal imbalances, brain defects) then it is likely the depression is caused by early life experiences. You mention only his mom, so I’m wondering what happened to his dad? This bear suspects his depression and self-doubt may be linked to something that happened with his father. It’s great that you want to help, but this kid sounds very troubled and, if possible, would benefit from some professional counseling and perhaps group therapy. If you don’t know what you’re doing, there is a risk you can cause more harm than good. In the meantime, you can be supportive. Without lecturing to him or talking to him about serious stuff, do things that will help prove him wrong about his assertions. Spend time with him and help him discover things he is good at, and when he indulges in them, praise him for what he has done. Reinforce him with praise when he shows a positive attitude about something (anything), but do not reinforce self-deprecating behavior, even with sympathy or criticism. You see, often we say bad things about ourselves as a way to get attention, even bad attention, because we feel ignored and rejected (again, am suspecting he is having abandonment issues about his father, but I don’t know that). This explains his sexual promiscuity because by giving his body to people he is being validated by others, recognized that he exists, even if they screw him and then leave—which is why he finds a lot of partners. Of course, when you are an easy lay, people don’t respect you as much, which then contributes to his problem of not attracting someone who loves him. Try to get him to socialize and be with decent people who won’t take advantage of his fragile state. He needs to develop a cadre of good furiends who will help him find his way toward doing something positive in his life like a group of soldiers making their way through the enemy lines of depression. He needs to feel like he is a worthwhile person. This letter is a good complement to the column I wrote yesterday about supporting someone through actions and not words. Hopefully it will help this furiend of yours. Let me know how it works out. Hugs, Papabear |
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