Dear Papabear, What kind of musical instrument would you want to own and play? Greg * * * Dear Greg, This is a nice change of pace, someone asking about Papabear! Well, I could sure use a question like this in my current state of stress and mental disarray, so I am happy to take a break from more serious stuff and answer you. The bear is sad to say he never learned to play an instrument. I did sing in my school choir (bass, even as a boy), and one time I tried to learn the dulcimer (my wife told me I was hurting her ears, so I stopped), but I never learned to read music or really play. If I WERE to learn something, I would want to learn the piano. Always loved the piano. My grandfather on my mother's side was a pianist for MGM studios back in the days of the Depression. He even appeared in a couple of films, including a Charlie Chaplin movie in which he gets hit in the face with a pie. I've never found that movie, but the thought of my very stoic Grampa being smooshed in the face with banana cream still makes me smile. I asked him when I was a cub if he would teach me, but his policy was never to teach family members (he never taught my mom, either) because if there was any upset then it could cause family conflict. So, this is one of the big regrets of my life. I would love to buy a cheap keyboard and try and learn. There is even a nice bear in Palm Springs who gives lessons, but I don't have the money right now to do that. I think everyone should learn to play something. I feel half illiterate not knowing what the squiggles on a music sheet mean (interesting side note: Paul McCartney never learned, either, and he has to hire people to write down the music he composes). “Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent," said Victor Hugo, and he was so right. Music moves the spirit and nourishes the soul. Music is the universal language that connects us all. The person who does not love music has a tin can where his heart should be. I'm hoping my life will someday become boring so that I may learn the piano and also get back to my drawing. I'll probably never get as awesome as this guy, but I'd love to connect to the piano. Thanks for your question, Greg!
Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
You remember me, right? I sent you an email a few months ago about talking to my parents about my beliefs. But anyway, I have a completely different question this time. It's about the furry fandom. I have been a member of the furry fandom since I was 13, but I don't consider myself to be a furry. I don't consider myself to be one only because I don't believe in labels. Now onto my question. I was wondering if the real life furry fandom is anything like the Internet fandom. I have never been to a furry convention, and I've never met a furry in real life. I know there are furries in my area, but I just don't know where to find them. It seems like on the Internet, very much of the artwork is yiff, or fetish related. Even if it isn't fetish art or yiff, many more seem to have some type of sexual overtone. People drawing yiff/fetish art is more than okay with me. It just seems like it dominates the Internet fandom. Just look at furaffinity; 75% of the website disappears with the mature content filter on. To recap, I was just wondering if the real life fandom is like this. People tell me it isn't, but I just wanted to hear the opinion of an active member in the fandom. Sincerely, Steve. * * * Dear Steve, There is a big difference between virtual reality and reality, and, since you don’t like labels, that’s true not only of the furry fandom but of all things. Yes, online there is a LOT of yiffy art, animations, and screwing around in RPGs and virtual worlds like SecondLife. I have been to seven furcons now, and Califur this June will make eight. I have also been to a number of furmeets, and I can tell you that these gatherings are very different from the online world. At furmeets and cons, furries chat, fursuit, eat, go bowling, play games, that sort of thing. If you go to a con, yes, you could probably find a room where there is sex going on (true of ANY convention of ANY kind—my sister is a Ph.D. and has been to academic conventions where professors act very... unacademic, shall we say), but most of what goes on is very G to PG. Even moreso with furmeets, which are even more public than furcons and people need to behave themselves. But it’s not just because these events are in public; it’s because they are REAL. When someone is at a keyboard, hiding behind a digital shield, their inhibitions are dropped because they can be anything or anyone. I mean, if you wanted to, you can be a dragon with three hyperpenises that can have multiple orgasms. In real life, if you have to expose yourself in a bedroom, self-consciousness and shyness kick in big time for many people. Many furries are young, inexperienced, and awkward in the bedroom—many are virgins—and so they shy away from real sex (and good for them for not recklessly jumping into the fray). But there are some, too, who are yiffy IRL as well as online, and some of those don’t play safe. They key is, Steve, that you can make of the fandom what you will. If you want to do the X-rated thing, you can certainly find people who will be willing to do that. But if you want to have the Family Experience with the fandom, it’s very easy to do that, too. I guess what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be afraid of going to a furcon, furmeet, or just meeting some local furries. It’s not like we’re all sex-crazed freaks who are going to rip your clothes off and pounce you when you walk into a room. Most of my friends are furries and my experiences with them have been very tame and friendly. It’s all about the furiends you pick. That will determine your experience in the fandom in real life. I hope you make the leap from the virtual world of furries to the real one. I have found it to be well worth it. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
You have an interesting advice column going on. I like that you are able to hear other furries' issues and respond in kind. I want to see if you'd have any valuable input on this subject as it has been daunting me for some time. Here we go... This is not a section about love as I tackled that long ago. This is about philosophical choices I make in life and where they will lead me. Over my years on this planet I have learned that I need to stand by the choices I make, so I stand by decisions. Papa Bear... To start with I am disappointed. Almost all the furries out where I live have adopted a less than shining image of "we're victims" and "let's not think outside the box". I mainly point that statement at the 21+ group out here, but it applies to the youth crowd as well. I thought when I came into the scene that I would finally be meeting a group of people like me who challenge the rules and make you think, but I was sorely mistaken. I won't speak for everyone, but for most of them... Grow up. Names will not be mentioned however one of them soured a previous name I was using. Why is it that herd conformity and fear have to ruin a good thing? They run around purposely drawing attention to themselves, try and act like they've been stigmatized by society, act like a victim, then offload all their stress onto others to oppress. How can I morally stand by witness this? For Christ’s sakes people it's called maturity, go spend a few years on the streets then you might know it. Anyways, that's the precursor subject. I had to get that off my chest. I don't take anyone in my age group well as 99.9% of them seem to be completely full of left wing bullshit. I hope it's just the youth crowd doing this. If so, then please someone point me to a 35+ group of furries, I'm done with these kids. Well, I know you ask to keep it to one question at a time so I'll end here. My question is: I don't know what my question is, I think I just need some perspective. [Papabear note: after writing the above, Valkerie contacted me again with the following...] I wrote you about my previous question pertaining to youth furries. This is the real question I wanted to ask you about personal philosophical choices and beliefs. So without further adieu... Life life life, oh what a mystery. I think the bigger mystery is how to handle it. Needles to say as it stands right now I am making some tough choices on how to continue. I am at a fork in the road right now and already know what route I am going to take. The issue here is where that route will lead me. So what am I talking about? Well since the age of 10 or 11 I've been denouncing money and even earlier than that I have been denouncing authority (this is due to a very soured childhood). Well that was all those years ago and now I find myself with a bigger conundrum. I have reached the point of enlightenment and self-realization where I find it prudent to denounce government and society in general. I always know I would more than like one day end up as a loner and I was fine with that. As I grew I realized that people like me would probably never be able to have children, I'm not fine with that, but I suppose that is the only fair choice for them in this evil world. Now... Why denounce government and society? The two go hand in hand. The only thing I can stand for in society is the idea to rely on the community for support and protection. I whole-heartedly agree that we should be able to do just that. My problem is all the strings that come with it. I refuse to give up and of my god given rights in exchange for community. I can find community with wolves and not give anything up... If they don't eat you first. Human's have too much of a troubled history for me to stand with them. As it is I already feel like an alien on earth watching a young civilization try and progress. I feel I could do it better myself and want out of this nightmare. Now as far as denouncing government... Big subject for me. Simply put, I never consented to someone else's rule nor do I accept the notion of anyone being over me. I don't know any one person on Earth who knows, who feels enough, to love enough, to legislate what I can and cannot do. I used to be in the Air Force and I took the oath of enlistment which I remain true to. I may not stand with others, but I will fight for your freedom to the death. I'm not going to go in depth on this less to say if you have questions I will answer them, I will state the following: I do not recognize the legitimacy of the state. I do not abide by human doctrines, only God's law. I do not believe in money or the use of. Period. I believe it is OK to kill a threat to your being. I refuse association with everyone as an implicit deny all statement. I stand for the natural rights of the individual. All rights are natural rights and boundless in scope. I stand as a representative of my own lands and family. I would lay down my life to defend your way of life. Simple and rich. I will be taking questions. Papa Bear: "Taking this route will lead me down a long and troublesome path. I will face imprisonment, exile, gross human rights violations, slander of my good name, and maybe even death. It would be pretty easy for me to duck out and conform, but what would I really be giving up? I've seen the other side and I like it better. What do you think?" [Lastly, Papabear received this note after the bear asked him to be a bit clearer about what the question was.] The message was about how the more I grow the more I see things for how they really are. This message refers to how I came to the conclusion that I almost exactly align with anarchy, hating the state, growing apart from the world, but most importantly of all, seeking my personal independence. The question I'm asking is "Am I wrong or is it perfectly sound to aspire to be free in all respects?" I do believe in personal liberties as far as the eye can see. No man or woman holds enough knowledge or love to make decisions for me on any matter. I feel like I'm cornered right now and all I want to do is seek refuge in the wilderness. Agh! This is giving me a headache. Anyways, get back to me. Thanks. - Valkerie * * * Hi, Valkerie, Papabear can sympathize and empathize with some of your views. Nothing ticks this bear off more than other people (especially authority figures, but really anyone) telling me how to live my life when I’m not hurting anyone. And I, like you, don’t think much of government and even less of politicians. Same goes for organized religions, though I understand why many believe in them and take some comfort there. That said, there is a reason such organizational structures as religion and government evolved in human society and why anarchy is not a viable option for civilization. No one is an island, as the saying goes. Humanity is stronger when people work together than if they go off and pursue their own selfish goals independently of one another. Society has many flaws, but without it we would not have modern medical care, technology, movies and plays, space exploration, literature, mass communication, etc. All these things require the cooperation of many people working together to achieve a goal. You can go off into the woods to try and live off the grid and off the social structure of civilization, and you can be successful at it (although living with wolves likely won’t work well). Some people do this, but they become nonparticipants in civilization. If that’s what you want, then that’s fine. Personally, while I do not believe I can change the world, I do believe that I can improve my little corner of it. That is why I write this column, and judging by the feedback I have gotten, I am grateful to say that I have done a little good in the world. This can only be accomplished, however, when one remains in contact with and a viable participant in society (i.e., e.g., I couldn’t reach people without my computer, the Internet, a power supply, a home to work in, food to eat, etc., all of which is made possible through the efforts of literally thousands of other people whom I have never met but whose lives affect me and what I do every day). Valkerie, you are indeed correct that many things are wrong with the world. Your impression of how furries in general react to this situation may or may not be true; that is based upon your personal experiences and interpretations. You have two paths to choose from now: 1) Disconnect yourself from the world and live the life of a hermit, or 2) Accept the world as it is and that there are things you can’t change, but you can try to change the things you can. If everyone tried to make their corner of their world a little happier, then all the corners would eventually merge into a happier world. That would be nirvana. Likely, nirvana will not be achieved in this world, but if we give up and do not try, then the darkness will surely swallow us all. Hugs, Papabear Hey Papabear,
This is a long story that goes over 3 years. I met someone through a mutual friend and we started to hang out online. He was rather affectionate and we got along well. I had a huge crush on him honestly. However, after a visit, things kind of died down. This was probably due to me breaking down a bit on the first night when I was confused as to why, when he had mentioned condoms and sex before, he wasn't in the mood. I felt I had done something wrong, etc. I was 19 at the time, and had some emotional issues. I still do. The rest of the visit was fine though. We remained friends but he sent me less and less messages. He told me that he wasn't the type to really initiate (even though he did early on) and that he even only talked to his best friend every few months. So, I was doing all the work pretty much. This continued, we'd talk every night for a few months, eventually contact was lost, regained a few months later, repeat the cycle. The only constant was that I was always asking him if he'd like to come visit me and getting various responses (excuses) in return. The mutual friend explained this was par the course for him and that he hadn’t heard from him in almost a year. About half a year ago, I re-initiated contact and we started playing online games together. Again, it was the cycle of me initiating and him going along. At first it was actually a bit of a chore, but it turned out great. We ended up playing together until recently. In fact, he was even messaging me pretty frequently in game, and actually doing a bit of return. We were pretty much talking on Skype every night. Unfortunately, crush came back and that created some awkwardness for him even though I told him I knew he had no interest. Recently, we met someone who lives in my area in the game. My friend became very interested in him romantically and quickly started to group with him, forcing me to have to ask one of them to join, never being invited, etc. Even while in groups with them, they'd be talking to each other privately in whispers and PMs or on Skype while I wasn't. At first I was in their groups, Skype chats, etc., but after one incident where I felt a bit overwhelmed by how my friend acted around this other guy and just left the chat without saying anything, things started to change. I acknowledge that I probably made him feel awkward and that he wanted to avoid drama, but I felt left out. I told him this and at one point he promised he'd try to keep me included. But that lasted maybe a week before I had to do all the work again. And of course, being left out made me feel worse, thus the awkwardness/drama potential increased. It was a self-perpetuating issue. It wasn't made any better by the fact that this other guy is extremely flirty online and my friend, who hates being flirted with, was really receptive to it. Then it happened. The other guy offered that if he ever wanted to visit the area, he would have a place to stay. My friend jumped on that and started planning a trip. I was pretty devastated because he had never accepted my offers. Even more so when I talked to him and he made it pretty clear that he had every intention of focusing on this other guy and not making time for me. I felt even more left out. So, it got worse as the trip got closer and then the trip came. I tried very hard not to interfere or text them but finally gave in and sent them a text asking if we could hang out at some point. The final result was two days before my friend left, we had dinner. By this point I was beyond hurt and in to just plain mad territory. I felt like I was being treated badly. I felt like all the things he had told me were lies, and it wasn't the fact that he couldn't have reciprocated, just that he didn't feel I was worth it. Needless to say, after dinner, I confronted him and it went badly. I was accusatory, angry and pretty much screwed it up about as badly as it could go. The other person told me later that the reason my friend hadn't probably wanted to hang out was due to avoiding drama, but I feel like if he had actually sent me a text of scheduled something without me trying, there wouldn't have been any. You're probably thinking at this point my letter is about salvaging my friendship. It's actually not. I sent him a message apologizing for my behavior but explaining that I felt left out, taken advantage of and really not treated right as a friend. At this point, I'm sure it's over. He can't give me what I want as a friend and that will just drive us both insane. It's not really healthy. Even if we've been friends for 3 years, there is no point in attempting to be friends now, since the same problems will just happen again. I'm kind of tired of always having to take the lead in the friendship and having even the slightest message started by him making me feel as if I won the lottery. I think that's why the crush happened, I put so much energy in to him it just developed. The online gaming will be iffy, but I think I can manage. If I can't, it's my deal and I'll just stop playing the game. So I'm pretty sure I'm set on that. If there is a hope for a friendship between us, it's not going to be for a long long time. But I doubt it because I'm kind of done trying after all of this and I doubt he'll ever even respond to my apology. But to say that I'm okay with it would be a lie. I still love him a lot (I'm not in love with him anymore, the anger took care of that). The question is about the other person actually. While this all was happening, I developed a friendship with him. It turned in to a sexual friendship (but just that, not romantic), and I get along with him pretty well. I like him a lot actually. He's 7 years older than me and I'm still looking at grad schools so there is no dating possibility, but I do like him. He and my other friend aren't romantically involved and aren't going to be, so there's no issue there. However, he saw the butt end of this. He saw the worst possible part of me after those three years and while he didn't see the fight, he saw the aftermath for sure. I IMed him and he said he wasn't mad at me, so I don't have to worry about that per se but... What's bothering me now is that it's been a day or two since then but I still feel awkward. I'm not sure if I want to see him or not. I'm scared silly that it'll turn in to another relationship where I put in all the effort to initiate. I feel like I've reflexively doing that anyway partially because I -really- like hanging out with him and partially cause I feel that if I don't message him, I'll hear from him once in a blue moon. I'm also scared that this entire event will be in the back of his mind and will affect our friendship. That he'll be just waiting for me to 'snap' again. I'm actually a normally patient person and my friends tell me that I don't stand up for myself and get walked on by people because of it. So he saw something very much to the antithesis of who I am normally. So I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. I want to be his friend, but I don't know how I can do it anymore. I want to explain everything, but I don't want him to think I'm just stirring up drama. I feel like if we hang out, I'll be awkward and it'll be weird. I'm not sure if it was his proximity to the situation or if he reminds me of it or what, but still. I know I screwed up with my friend. I feel like I've possibly screwed up with both of them now. What confidence I've built over the last year has shattered and I'm not sure what to do anymore. Can you give me some advice? I made a mistake, I don't plan on making it again, and I want to put it all behind me. But it's pretty much all going over in my head constantly. I'd like to be friends with this guy, but I feel like I'm going to have trouble letting myself be friends with him. Sorry for the long letter, thanks for reading it. Endless * * * Dear Endless, My initial impression is Oy! Vey! you overthink things to the point of it being a bit ridiculous. You seriously need to relax and not obsess so much. First step, forget about the past. There is nothing you can do about what happened with your previous relationship, but you can learn from it. What you need to learn is not to force yourself onto other people. The more you force yourself into a friendship, the more the other person will reflexively withdraw from you. I recently had an experience like this. A furry I’ve been chatting with and whom I met just once heard that I had a friend of mine from San Diego staying at my place for the weekend. Well, this guy likes my San Diego friend a lot, too, and begged to come over, basically inviting himself to sleep over. Now, I have a years-long relationship with my San Diego friend and just wanted to spend time with him, so I told the other guy that I really didn’t want him over this time, but he could come over at another time. Well, he started calling and texting me and then calling my San Diego friend over and over and over to the point it felt like we were being stalked. Then he posted on FA that my San Diego buddy and I were being mean to him. This behavior totally turned me off of him and I don’t really want to hang out with him any more. I’m not saying you’re like this, exactly, but I think you get the point. If these furs you talked about are not including you in games or conversations or activities, it is a big clue they don’t want to hang out with you, for whatever reason. When you press them as to why, they will naturally just come up with some explanation in an attempt to not hurt your feelings while making you go away. If someone doesn’t want to hang out with you, the solution isn’t to confront that person and wedge yourself back into their life; the solution is to find someone who does want to hang out with you and do things with them. Now, as to your current friend. Don’t explain yourself. Don’t obsess. Don’t apologize. Stop talking about the past. Just stop it. Cold turkey. Instead of talking about all that junk in the past, talk about the present. Don’t even mention all that other stuff and start talking about your mutual interests with this current guy. Start building something that has to do with your current lives and who you are now, not who you were then. Hang out with him, do things you enjoy, and move on. Papabear Dear Papabear,
First off, I would like to say I am not a furry, With this I see nothing wrong with furs, in fact I love all furs, most my friends are furs, and I'm pretty much surrounded, I love it; it makes me happy, Even my mate is a fur, A wonderful handsome lion, I truly love him, when he first met he knew I was not a fur, and he seemed fine with it, But he slowly started pushing the issue that I should find a fursona, I tired my hand at it, but nothing seemed right, Just nothing seemed to fit, But he always pushed it more and more, and now I'm scared that if I do not find a fursona, even if I have to fake it, That I will lose him, What should I do ? Stuck out in the cold with no fur Sally’May * * * Dear Sally’May, When the modern furry fandom began back in the early 1980s or so, it was simply about people who liked stories featuring anthropomorphized animal characters—a sort of subgenre of sci-fi and fantasy. Over the years it has come to mean a lot more. Most furries these days, however, see it as much more than that. Not all furries have fursonas, but most do and many (not all) feel it is part of being a furry. So, not all furries have fursonas, and your question makes me think of the novel notion: perhaps a nonfurry could have a fursona. Interesting idea. And so, even though you aren’t a furry and can’t really connect with a fursona, you could do so to please your mate. But why should you? As you said, your mate knew who and what you were when you got together. If you both love each other, you should accept each other as you are. It is certainly possible for a furry and a nonfurry to be mates. My husbear is not a furry, but he thinks furries are cool. I don’t demand he become a furry or pick a fursona. On the other hand, he loves going to furcons with me and watching me in parades and such in my fursuit. Your mate is probably pushing you to be more of a fur because he wants to share his life with you and that seems more doable if you’re a furry, too. You need him to understand that that is not essential for a loving relationship. Let’s turn this around. Do you have some interests that are unique to you that he doesn’t participate in? Just for instance, say you are a football fan—would he go to a football game with you? If you were a Packers fan and he wasn’t, would you force him to wear cheese on his head and tell him that you don’t love him unless he does so? I would hope not. Likewise, he shouldn’t force things on you. The two of you must have things in common or you wouldn’t be together. It’s actually a good thing that you don’t share every quality—if you did, it would be like dating yourself. Viva la difference! Your mate needs to respect that you are different and appreciate that you love him the way he is and enjoy being with furries even if you aren’t one. You need to ask him to love you as you are and not try and change you. If he doesn’t respect that, then I’m afraid you have a problem. On the other paw, he might not realize he’s been pressuring you, and if you point it out to him, he might apologize and back off. If you are a good judge of character and have built a loving relationship with a cool lion, then you have no reason to fear explaining to him how you feel. If he is not the lion you think he is, better to find out now than years from now. Good luck, I hope it works out for you! Papabear |
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