Hey Papabear
I'm having troubles with my boyfriend at the moment. He is getting kicked out of home at the end of the month and he doesn't seem to care and if he gets kicked out of home I will not be able to see him any more. I can not leave him because I truly love him. What should I do? He's being kicked outta home because he hasn't been able to get a job for 2 years and his dad's sick of it.... We have been together for 3 years in June. He lives half an hour’s drive from me and we have a rocky relationship but we always seem to get through stuff Luffles from Misty (age 17) * * * Hi, Misty, I’m curious why you would want to be with someone with whom you have a “rocky relationship” and who doesn’t care if he gets kicked out of his house even if that means that, for some reason, he won’t be able to see you anymore. My bear instincts are kicking in here. Is it because you don’t think you can do better? I believe the problem—at least, your problem—isn’t that your apathetic boyfriend will soon be on the streets but that you have such low self-esteem that you would want to be with him in the first place. I could be wrong, but what do you think? One thing that I’ve learned in life is that you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. Why is it your job to get him on track? It’s his job. You, as girlfriend, can be there to be loving and supportive in his efforts, but if he’s making no effort, then there’s nothing for you to be supportive of. You’re 17 and I’m assuming your boyfriend is about the same age (although maybe a few years older since he’s not in school and has been unemployed for 2 years?) If he is not going to school, and he is able-bodied, he needs to get a job, even if it is just part time. One thing about companies is that if you are a young man or woman and willing to work hard for minimum wage, you can probably get some sort of work. I know that doesn't sound great, but it's better than nothing. You have to start somewhere, after all. I’m thinking his father would not have kicked him out if he thought his son were making an effort to do something with himself and that the reason for his frustration is his son isn’t trying. (Again, reading between the lines here). This might sound like I am unsympathetic to your feelings of love, but I do understand that love has no reason. We often love people who are not really great for us, and we stick by them no matter what. You do not have to “leave” your boyfriend. Tell him you are here for him to give him whatever love and support you can, but it is up to him to take you up on that offer. Let him make the next move. Good luck, Papabear
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Hi there papa bear, it’s been a while since last we talked.
I just wanted to talk and let this out to someone. For a while I've been going through a lot of problems, money troubles, second thoughts about school, I just couldn't think of what to do. All the problems just came crashing down on me and I just broke down on myself. I wasn't ready for any of this... for college... being away from home... or just the real world in general. I wasn't ready for the reality of being on my own... and I still don't know what to do. I tell myself that I shouldn't give up when I'm so close to graduating but I'm still scared, I don't understand anything in the classes no matter how hard I try with the teacher's help. I always feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life even more because I did make a mistake because the one class I wanted to do wasn't even what I wanted. I'm a writer and I can't do any of this game design stuff. But I don't want to let my mom who's struggled so much down. I don't want to disappoint everyone who wanted me to be here... I'm just so scared. I'm sorry to put all of that out on you. Thank you for listening papa bear. You don't have to answer this either. I just had to let it all out. Kageichi (age 19) * * * Hi, Kageichi, It’s good to let things out, and I know you said I don’t have to respond, but indulge the old bear. I’m writing because I have been exactly where you are now, and it was the most terrified I had ever been in my life up to that point. I wasn’t really prepared for college, you see. Not so much the academic end of it (although that was true, too), but just the entire experience of being away from home and being on my own. I went from a easygoing high school in a small town to being dumped into the academic anonymity of a huge university (University of Michigan). Never had I felt like such a faceless number in my life. I felt so alone and friendless; the classes they put me in were a nightmare (a huge lecture hall for a calculus class taught by a Chinese professor with a thick accent, a German class taught by an Indonesian, and an English literature class taught by a pompous professor who liked to show off how well he spoke Greek). I was thrust into a dorm room with two guys I didn’t know or like very much. Soon, I was failing my classes and scared to death. You might have read one of my columns where I mention my suicide attempt? Well, this is where it happened. I felt like no one understood how alone I felt, I was terrified that I was failing classes and, consequently, failing my parents. I felt so trapped that the only escape, I thought, was to kill myself, and I almost succeeded. Let me relate another story—this one is about my sister. She was pressured into taking business classes at Michigan by my father, who didn’t understand her love for biology. She hated all of it, especially her peers who seemed to care about nothing except making money. One semester away from getting her bachelor’s degree, she fled. Up and left. Sent my parents a telegram that she was going West, that she was fine, and to leave her alone. She never spoke to my father again, though quickly reconnected with my mother after my parents divorced. After working a number of odd jobs, she went back to college and now has a doctorate in biology. There you have it: two cases where kids were so terrified about what their parents thought that it destroyed a family and almost resulted in death. I’m hoping nothing so extreme is running through your mind. I write to you about me and my sister to point out that life is not about pleasing your parents; life should be about doing what is right for you, and only you know what that is. It sounds to me that you are either in the wrong school or taking the wrong courses or both. You don’t belong in a game design class, clearly, and should be majoring in English or journalism or something related to that. Kageichi, take a deep breath and relax. Talk to a class/career counselor at your school. Perhaps even consider going to a different school. Now’s the time, before you become too heavily invested in the course you are now on (like my sister wasting three and a half years of her studies) you really need to reassess and renavigate. You might lose a semester now, but better to lose a little time than a lot of time. One of the biggest regrets many people have in their lives when they are older is not studying and preparing for what they really wanted to do with their careers when they were young. You feel like you “made the biggest mistake” of your life? Well, not yet you haven’t. You have not committed too much time at this point, and you still can redirect your life and do what you really want to do. At age 19 you can’t be too far into your college studies. Many people (in fact, most people) I know changed their majors at least once within the first two years of school. You can do that now. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Decide where you want to be 5 or 10 years from now and then create a plan of action to make that happen. Hope that helps. Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Thank you so much for answering my last question about Daisy. I hope that you can answer this one as well. Daisy and I haven't been communicating much lately and it breaks my heart. She keeps ignoring my (and all of my other friends') texts and I have no idea why. I always text her and she never replies, but it says when she reads it. She means so much to me and I miss her more than anything.... I can't imagine the day I won't. We talked like every day until she started to fit in at school and meet her new friends.... I am very happy for her about that, but why is she forgetting about me? We don't even talk anymore and I don't know what to do about it. She has been my best friend for 8 years and she moved not long ago ... I hope she hasn't forgotten about me. I still think about her everyday and sometimes I get sad just thinking about her. I miss her so much. I don't have many friends here ... some good friends with about 2 best friends. So it's kind of hard for me. I really need to talk to Daisy and catch up on things, but it doesn't seem like she's all that interested in me anymore. CJ (age 14) * * * Dear CJ, In our first correspondence I talked about the different kinds of friends we make in life and how I thought you and Daisy would be BFFs, even if you no longer lived close by. This letter, however, sounds like there was only one BFF between the two of you, and that was you. It sounds like Daisy is moving on, making new friends, and leaving her old ones behind, rather than making the effort to stay in touch. You’re instincts are, sadly, likely correct. If she isn’t talking to you, she is probably losing interest. Papabear can’t judge her character, having never talked with her or met her, so there might be something else going on here. Pick up the telephone and give her a call and find out what’s up with her life. If she is not going through some personal tragedy or hardship that is preventing her from talking to you (although one would hope she’d want to talk to her BFF in such a case), then it is likely that she isn’t talking to you because she has simply moved on. In my last letter to you, I said that learning to cope with separation was part of growing up. So is learning what it means to lose a friend. This will happen more than once in your life, and just as you will lose friends, you will make new ones. It is very rare that you will find that one friend who will stick by your side all your life. I thought, as you did, that Daisy was one of those, but perhaps not. On the other hand, maybe she is corresponding less with you because she believes that keeping the friendship alive when you can’t see each other regularly would be too painful. If that’s the case, then you need to show her that you can make this long-distance friendship work. [Note to readers: you might observe a difference here between my advice about LDRs when it comes to lovers vs. friends; I believe that long-distance friendships are possible because they don't require physical intimacy, whereas long-distance romance does require that close proximity in my opinion.] Remember, this is a reflection upon Daisy’s character, not yours. You sound like a loyal and caring friend, a true friend. I hope you can still work it out. You’ll need to make an effort to talk to her again—a solid, heart-to-heart talk—and find out just what she wants. For the friendship to work, you both have to want it, and if she doesn’t there is nothing you can do about that but bid her farewell. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
First, I'm fully aware my grammar sucks, but at least, I have good spelling and thank you for your time :3 For a few months now, I've been thinking and bothered by a robbery that happened to me—or, more like who robbed me. I got back most of stuff (only missing three things), this happened in my home town; it's a small community, so it didn't take too long to find a few people to question, but while I was playing inspector, trying to find who did it, everything I found pointed to very close friend. Me and him were close, we have nicknames for each other (I was Chief and he was Apple). We always walked side-by-side, we know each other’s favorite color, we grew up with each other, we taught each to fight, we shared our money, we even showed each how to get in our homes, took each other to restaurants. We grew up in a bad environment (drugs, alcohol, bullies, etc.). We always told each other that one day, we would leave and find a better home. As we got older, my little brothers were born, which caused me to grow into a guardian-like personality (gay, straight, bi, I don't care, they're my brothers, and I'll protect them). My friend, on the other hand, gave in to the drugs and alcohol, and I never did. We became exact opposites, but our friendship never faded or weakened. So I was very resistant to believe that he was the one to rob me. When I told my dad, who trusted Apple as much as me, of what, I've found, my dad was more than angry. My dad told me to strike Apple for stealing from me, or if I wanted my dad would hurt Apple for me. But I told my dad that I'd handle it. For the next few weeks my stuff would randomly appear by my window, which without a doubt confirmed it was Apple who stole from me (years ago, I told him, if he had anything for me, but I wasn't home, to just leave it by my window). I tried to confront him, but I could never find him, till one day another friend of ours got Apple to see me while I was doing yard work for my dad. We talked, and apparently Apple was drugged by his older brother (who was recently in jail) and tricked into robbing me. When the drugs started to wear off, and realized who he robbed, slowly he stole my stuff from his brother to return to me. He didn't want to see me till all my stuff was returned. I told Apple that I'm very grateful that he was bringing back my stuff, but he should have told me. We could have gotten everything back together. He said he didn't want to get his brother in trouble (who's back in jail for stealing). This is the only thing he has ever done wrong toward me. If I asked anyone else in real life they'd tell me to just hit him and carry on without him, I'm not sure, if I should forgive him and act like this never happened, or forget our friendship and continue my life without him? what would you do? Hale (age 19, Alberta) * * * Dear Hale, Some people say that you should always forgive someone and turn the other cheek, no matter what. My philosophy is to take it on a case-by-case basis. There are certain parameters I use to decide whether or not to forgive someone, including:
A bad example of this comes from my husbear’s past. Yogi had a partner who was a crackhead. He started stealing and selling Yogi’s possessions to buy more drugs (fails test #1). Eventually, Yogi kicked him out of the house. Years later, this guy contacted Yogi again, asking to be friends again. He never apologized (fails test #4), nor did he offer to make financial amends for the thousands of dollars’ worth of stuff he took (fails #3). I imagine he failed #2 as well, since he was not high at the time he stole stuff because he was stealing in order to get high again. Yogi, basically, told him to piss off, and I agree with that decision. (Apple’s brother is likely stealing to pay for drugs, just as Yogi’s former mate was). In your case, the answer to all the above questions is “yes.” This was the only time Apple stole from you; his mind was clouded by drugs; he returned the stolen items; and he apologized (correct?) I think we can both understand his behavior, and I believe the cause of it all is his brother. The solution offered by your father and some friends (to hit him and move on) is both unconstructive and ape-like in its lack of intelligence and compassion. Hale, you should forgive Apple (at least for now), but that should not be the end of this story. Apple needs help. Now that you have forgiven him (or I hope you will), the next step is to be a true friend. You need to get Apple away from the bad influence of his brother, first and foremost. You also need to save him from a life of drugs and alcohol before he ends up like his brother. The theft he perpetrated is an alarm, a call to action that his problem is becoming worse. To start, check out Alberta Health Services, or also Addiction Enders in Alberta, and see what you can do to find a rehab program for Apple. It is time to be a real friend, Hale. Your friend needs you. His stealing from you should not be taken as a personal offense so much as a cry for help. You should help him while he is still your friend (which he showed by his behavior) because if you wait too long the drugs and alcohol will eventually rot his brain and change who he is. At that point, you are at risk of losing the person Apple really is forever. And that would be tragic. I wish both of you luck. Please write again if you need further help. Hugs, Papabear Papa Ours,
For the last couple of years, I've drifted out of touch with a close friend I've known in Furry online for the last dozen years or so, going back to my original forays in Furry when I arranged for my first persistent Net connection in 2001. Amongst other things, he was a close confidant in both getting my confidence up to push my comfort zone (I was in pretty rough psychological shape in those days; I was diagnosed with acute schizophrenia and bipolar disorder [manic-depression] in 1994 when I was 17, and it took a lot to get me out of my self-imposed shell at that point [2001]) and feel comfortable with what my loins were directing me to do (i.e. helping me learn about my sexuality; in this case, a certain range of physical fetishes, including interactions with more than one of his IC characters) as well as inspire my confidence in drawing, which I've continued to improve upon through the present day. I hadn't been in touch with him in e-mail or via his IC persona on FurryMUCK for the better part of a year when all of this began to occur to me, and I know as a prolific writer (not to mention an exceptionally good one) of fiction and of more than one webcomic (one of which I did fill-in artwork for over a half-dozen pages, which is kind of neat to recall given my technical limitations at the time), a body's going to be busy, and thinking about creative direction and getting the writing or art done that one wants to. I'd posted “parent replies” to a half-dozen comments he made personally over the last couple of years on FurAffinity artwork pages, none of which were replied to. This isn't unusual in general experience, especially when a given piece of work gets dozens of individual posters supplying kudos. But it stuck in my mind as odd that he of all people wouldn't post back even once in my case. I put it aside, hoping I could touch base with him at some point not too far along the way. The sharp shock came about a month or so ago. After a long hiatus, he decided to bring to an end one of the first comics I'd read from my own “Day One” all those years ago, and while I knew I'd miss reading it, this comic was a real labour of love for him and I suspected it was hurting him deeply that he was parting the ways with it and its ongoing creation. I posted what I wanted to be a comfort and a thanks for his keeping this comic going for as long as it ran, and for the kind of confidence he and it inspired in me, using my Gravatar/Wordpress account (under the same pseudonym attached to this question). My comment post was held in moderation for two days and subsequently rejected, and does not appear on the final page of the comic's comments. This really bothered me, and while I didn't want to jump to any conclusions without speaking to him in person, well ... it fit together in my head, accurately or not, that something was probably not kosher between us. Fate and poor chance don't line these sorts of things up, at least not in my experience. I'm really not sure where to go from here. If there has been some unpleasantness that I'm unaware of that's soured our friendship, I don't want to add the burden of it by picking at small things akin to what I've mentioned in lieu of something a lot worse which, to be fair, might not involve me directly at all and I would have no business sticking my muzzle into. That said, I really wanted to ask you, Papa Bear, what you would do were you in a situation like this. There has been no communication between my friend and I, at all, for almost two years, save for what I've mentioned. We certainly didn't part on anything approaching poor terms, and I couldn't tell you anything that has gone past my screen or between us since then that I have any inkling would put a stop to said friendship. Thanks for taking the time to read this, ami ours. -2Paw (age 36, Toronto) * * * Dear 2Paw, This is a real puzzle to me as well. Since you have had no communication with him and he does not reply to your posts, it is impossible to know what is going through his mind and why he is not writing or talking to you. Speculating as to why would be an exercise in futility. Therefore, two things: 1) If you haven’t already, start putting the word out that you are looking for your friend, that you are concerned about him, and any information anyone can give you would be appreciated, and 2) I am asking my readers that if you know 2Paw and might know his friend, please reply to me at zoobear863@yahoo.com and I will forward your message to him. 2Paw, if you can, please provide the name of your friend. That would help a lot. Let’s see if we can figure this out. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have been on a tough road as far as finding employment for a while now, and as such the family that has taken me in to live with them. It has been about 6 months since then and still no job, so I've been told by one of my family members that if I didn't get one by this May, I'd be kicked out and sent to a homeless shelter. I'm slowly beginning to believe that may come to pass, despite my current efforts at filling out application after application. If it should truly come to that, I briefly considered overdosing on my naproxen to just end this frustration once and for all. Would it truly still be worth it to keep hope and faith alive with such a looming threat hanging over my head? Anonymous (age 30, St. Louis, MO) * * * Dear Anonymous, Your letter makes the bear sad. I can see why you would be depressed, but being unemployed and having an unsupportive family are not the worst things in life and certainly not worth killing yourself over. I’m sorry your family is treating you this way. If I had a family member who was in need of my help, I would welcome them into my home and try to help them for however long it took until they were back on their feet. That is what real family does. Do all of your family members feel this way? If not, talk to the ones who don’t and persuade them to be on your side on this, then team up with them to make your case with the naysayers to let you stay there for now. It seems to me that as long as you are making a concerted effort to find work, you should be allowed to stay. If the problem is they are having a hard time with money, there are things you can do about that. If you haven’t already, you can probably pay for much of your own food by applying for government food assistance. Go here to learn more about that. Are you getting unemployment? Certainly you should be, if you are not, go here. You can also offer to help around the house as much as possible, if you haven’t done that already. Doing chores, watching the kids, yard work, handyman projects, anything you can do like that will not only show you are supporting the family but will also save them money. Make yourself a valuable member of the family and see if that will turn things around for you. Meanwhile, the job search. You don’t say much about your job history, how you became unemployed, etc., so I am just shooting in the dark here. Now, if the following is the case, you are in great luck: if you were laid off from any of these companies in the St. Louis area, you can get free training and employment help: Hostess, Yellow Pages, Mars, Faurecia, CPI, Energizer, ATK, Climax Packaging, Thyssen Krupp, Sanofi-Aventis, or American Italian Pasta Company. If so, go here and contact the SLATE Missouri Career Center. SLATE stands for the St. Louis Agency on Training and Employment. Contact them, even if you didn’t work for any of the above, and they should be able to point you in the right direction, including career counseling and possibilities for further education, if needed. While that’s going on, don’t forget to network. Contact and talk to every friend and relative you have, tell them what you are looking for, and see if they might give you some leads. Learn to market yourself. You can start doing so cheaply by starting a professional Facebook page (note: that’s different from your personal page), and getting some free business cards from Vistaprint.com. You can even start a very low-cost business website with such services as GoDaddy.com or Weebly.com to promote yourself. You don’t say what your skills are, but you might try using whatever skills you have to be a freelancer like yours truly. Sometimes you don’t even have to have any particular skills, just be a hard worker and well-organized. For example, I have a friend in the valley who is a professional errand-runner. He does pretty much anything you need: fetching groceries, house sitting, pet sitting, shuttle service to the airport, getting your dry cleaning, anything you like. Yogi and I hired him to take us to the airport and then watch our house while we were in New York, for example. Depending on your resources and, again, skills, you can do most anything if you are good at marketing yourself. Here’s a helpful article on the subject. These days, more and more people are becoming freelancers and starting businesses in their homes because they’ve been screwed over by corporate America. You could be one of those people! Er, the successful freelance type, not the screwed over type :-P There are many possibilities for you, dear furiend, if you put your mind and energy to them. Please put dire thoughts of suicide aside. If you can’t, please seek help right away. The national suicide prevention hotline can help you online and for free—they are just a click away. As long as there is life, there is hope. And there is hope for you. You have only been unemployed for six months. There are people out there who have been jobless for years, but they are still trying. Don’t give up and you will eventually, inevitably, find work again. Write again, please, if you need more help. Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, Thank you so very much for responding to my letter. I needed someone else to talk to and you did make me feel a little better. I realized shortly after I wrote the letter that I didn't actually fully convey or be more elaborate with the details of what is going on with me currently and I'm sorry for that. As far as my living sitaution, my two family members ( my cousins, mostly one of them ) I have a pretty tenuous relationship with stemming from the fact that she didn't want me to stay with them in the first place seeing as I'm a grown man and I'm not gravely disabled on anything. My other cousin is more laid back and was the one who convinced the other to allow me to move in with them. I can understand where they're coming from having another person seemingly barging into their lives and a young guy no less (they're in their early 60s). One is retired and the other is still working planning her own retirement in a few more years. I do have food stamps actually. I reapplied for them a couple months ago, I can't receive unemployment was due to the fact that I worked under a company that was non-profit. I worked at a former military record center as a custodian from Sept. 2003 to Dec. 2012. I was let go due to the fact that I had spent too long off work to care for my aunt who was suffering from cancer before she died in mid-August last year. I'm also receiving job assistance from a career placement agency. I don't have many family members or anyone else close to me to refer to about jobs except for a couple more cousins and I dont have any other special skills yet I believe I have a decent work ethic along with considerable people skills. In the meantime, I clean the kitchen and dispose of the trash as well as straighten out my basement room and bathroom. Sorry for the long letter here and thank you again for listening. I try to keep looking on the bright side of things. Hugs, Anonymous * * * Hello, again, Glad I could ease your mind a little bit. Permit me to comment a bit on your second letter because some of this may benefit my readers. First of all, it doesn't matter whether you work for a for-profit or nonprofit company or organization. If you are fired, you can collect federal unemployment assistance. I recommend you apply for it as soon as possible. I don't know who told you that you couldn't get unemployment, but they were dead wrong. Secondly (and, again, I don't know enough details here), in most cases, companies are legally required to try to work with you if you are caring for a terminally ill family member before they fire you. Depending on the job, they can offer you more flexible hours, the chance to work at home, or unpaid time off. Now, the law does not put too much burden on companies, if they can make a case that this would cost them too much money or they are unable to adjust staffing to accommodate you. But, some effort could have been made before firing you, I believe. Depending on circumstances, it might be worth your time to consult an attorney about this. At least, keep it in mind for future reference. It's good you help around the house, but, seeing as you are unemployed, I suggest you do more than clean the kitchen and keep your room and bathroom clean. If it were me in your situation, I would be cleaning the entire house and yard and running errands for my hosts. You're thirty years old and they're in their sixties and one of them still works; I'm sure you have a lot more time and energy on your hands then they do, so use it to ingratiate yourself to them. If you are lacking nearby friends and relatives for networking opportunities, try contacting former coworkers. Check the newspaper for local business gatherings. You might try--if you can afford to--joining the local chamber of commerce or other local business group. Oh, and when it comes to applying for a job, don't say, "I have a decent work ethic along with considerable people skills." Everybody says that, and it will get you nowhere fast. You need some skills, so now's the time to get some. Talk to the unemployment office or an employment agency about free or low-cost training opportunities in your area. Glad you no longer sound suicidal!!!! Good luck!!! Papabear Papabear,
Am I just messed up in the head? Are furries like me messed up? I wish I was an anthro a lot. Does this make me screwed up? I already have lots of mental problems like schizoaffective disorder and it would suck if this meant that I'm even more messed up. Anonymous * * * Hello, Fellow Furry, Good question, and one you usually get from mundanes, not furries—to wit: Do you have to be crazy to be a furry? Does having the urge to be a really anthropomorphic animal make you insane? I suppose, if it does, yours truly is certifiable. I think I would feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin if I looked like this IRL (art by Kleinbar). I mean, yum, hehe. Part of this, a big part, I must admit, is my general dislike for the human race as a whole (although, not on an individual basis). This has sometimes been labeled “speciesism.” Psychologist Richard Ryder coined this term in 1970. What he was talking about, though, was human beings’ attitudes toward other animals on our planet being “only animals,” and, therefore, it was okay to kill them, ruin their habitat, and hunt them even to the point of extinction. But, in furries, it is almost the opposite, where you get people who have a low opinion of Homo sapiens (hence, the origin of calling non-furries “mundanes”). Sometimes, this is a way for furries with low self-esteem to feel better about themselves because they are not ordinary humans. Sometimes, it is just a generalized misanthropic urge. Then there is the fact that many furries simply find anthropomorphized characters very very attractive (hence the emergence of furporn). I, personally, have always thought a muzzle was more attractive than a flat face, that a nice, dense pelt of rich fur was beautiful, and that poofy tails are gorgeous. As a kid, heavily influenced by Disney films, of course, I wished I could jump through the screen at the movie theater and be a talking bear or wolf. I believe, too, that many furries retreat into such fantasies because their real lives are very difficult and fantasy is a good escape that relieves tension. Any or all of these might be true with you, take your pick, but none of them make you crazy. You know what crazy is? Crazy is the inability to perceive reality as it actually is and to make illogical choices in one’s life based on that skewed viewpoint. For example, someone believing he is the reincarnation of Napoleon Bonaparte, dressing up as a French general from the early 19th century, and then believing he is on a horse directing troops at Waterloo is crazy. Crazy is thinking that there is a demon from Hell talking in your head telling you to murder people. Crazy is Don Quixote trying to kill a windmill with his lance because he believes he is a knight fighting giants. If you have a firm grasp on reality, if you know who you are, recognize the people and the world around you for what they are, then no, you are not crazy. Now, you mention you have schizoaffective disorder, although you don’t explain if it is the depressive or bipolar type—no matter. There is a reason I and the professional community say “you have schizoaffective disorder” and not “you are crazy.” Because you are not crazy. You are suffering from an imbalance that causes serious mood swings, but you are not crazy. There are many many many people out in the world leading productive, happy lives who are furries. There is nothing wrong with them; they are just into something that they get a lot of fun and pleasure out of. You should feel free to do the same. Hope that answers your question. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I feel I have closed myself off from most of my family and friends the last couple months. In December I had two family members and a dog die, and January I had another family member and dog die. My family in the house tried to soften the blow by getting a new puppy. But I feel that out of everyone in my house and at school I've been spending most of my time either locked away in my room or with the puppy. I don't know why but I just feel like either I'm dismantling myself from others or I'm just slipping under the radar and they don't notice me. How do I try to fix this? Thank you, Trademark Pain * * * Dear Trademark, I am so sorry for the loss of your family members and your dear pet. It’s not uncommon for people who experience personal loss like this to withdraw into themselves. When you suffer multiple losses like this, one train of thought that those in mourning might have is this: “The fewer people I have in my life, the less vulnerable I will be to loss. And if there is no one in my life that I feel love for, I will never have to suffer the pain of losing a loved one ever again.” But isolating yourself like this is not the answer; it will only lead to more depression and sadness. You must realize this, Trademark, since you wrote to Papabear for help, so I’m glad you did. What your family did—giving you a new puppy—was nice, but it doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, in a way, it is avoiding the problem, sort of like sitting a young child in front of a television because mom and dad don’t feel like spending time with their kid. What you and your family should be doing is talking about your shared loss, even though that is hard to do. I know it will be difficult, but what you need to do is force yourself, little by little, to interact with people again. It’s kind of like going to the gym for the first time. You really don’t want to do it; it makes your muscles sore and you get all sweaty and you get embarrassed maybe because you can’t lift very much weight, but, if you work at it consistently, you will get better and even enjoy working out. Same with overcoming this urge to become a hermit in your own home. Start by selecting the family member with whom you feel the closest bond—especially someone who was as close to the departed as you were—and start talking to him or her about what you are feeling. Share memories of the person who has gone, but do so in a celebratory way. What do I mean? I mean celebrate the good memories you have of them and don’t focus on how much you miss them (that’s a given). This is what is done in traditions such as the Irish wake and the New Orleans jazz funeral procession. Focus on the joy and how lucky you were to know this person in your life while they were here. Sharing these things with your family will bring you closer together, bonding you more tightly in a loving, spiritual sense than you ever have been before. It will also remind you to appreciate those who are still with you in the here and now. The secret to healing, Trademark, is not isolation; it is bonding and celebration. The first few steps may be hard, but they are essential. We all suffer losses in our lives. Learning to cope with them, and to grow stronger because of them, will enhance your life by giving you a better appreciation for all the joys still to be experienced. Hugs, Papabear I'd like to wish you all a wonderful Valentine's Day! In honor of this day, let us remember Saint Valentinus, who lends his name to this holiday. There is an interesting story behind Valentinus that I would like to share with you. Valentinus lived in the third century C.E. in the capital of the Roman Empire. Not much is known about him, except that he was executed by the Romans for ministering to the Christians (a persecuted minority at the time) and for performing marriages for soldiers who, by law, were not allowed to take brides. Before he died, the story goes, he healed the daughter of the man who would be his executioner. With such a generous heart, it is no wonder the Catholic Church made him a saint. Love is about giving, without thought for yourself. Love comforts, love heals. I wish all of you love. Happy Valentine's Day, Papabear Now here's something cute, silly, fun, and with helpful Portuguese subtitles. And, of course, it has bears :-3 Hey, Papa!
I've been wondering lately if what me and my mate want is a good idea? Both of us like bigger guys and my mate is a gainer. Whenever we chat about how we see ourselves in the future, he keeps seeing himself gaining to the point of being housebound (which is pretty hot IMO), but the thing is, it's like he's in such a rush for getting that big. I'd like to have him bigger (like 4-500 range) and still have him waddle about with me and go places and see things. Am I too much of a short term planner and not thinking of the big picture, or is he trying to rush it along faster and not really interested in what I am? Thanks for your time and help! Owen (age 24) * * * Dear Owen, The question here isn’t about whether he wants to gain weight too quickly and too much or whether or not you’re correct in telling him to slow down his weight gain and maybe just be really big but not to the point of being housebound—the real point is that it is not a good deal at all in the real world. I sympathize with your love of large men (I share it, to a point, with you), and it is fun to fantasize about such things; it is definitely a popular sexual fetish. There are entire subcultures based on it (BBW [big beautiful women] lovers for straight men, chub chasers for gay men). But in the real world becoming morbidly obese is extremely unhealthy. You are subjecting your mate to serious health issues, including the potential for type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, liver disease, stroke, and even cancer. There have been many studies of the effects of obesity on life expectancy and they show that being extremely overweight increases mortality rates up to 30%. I’m sure you do not wish to cause harm to your mate, so I am writing this as a wake-up call to you. The problem is that what you want is extreme, and pretty much anything taken to extremes is not a good thing. This includes getting too thin. Hollywood and the fashion industry seem obsessed, still, with women being thin (although they often don’t concern themselves as much with men, except for the younger hunks). This sends a bad message to people and encourages diseases such as anorexia and bulimia. We even see it with dolls (Barbies), which have been shown to give young girls an unhealthy ideal for beauty. The answer is moderation: neither too fat nor too thin. How do you know if you are too fat or thin? Well, there is a tool called the Body Mass Index (BMI) that many health care professionals use. Normal weight is considered to be 18.5-24.9. Yours truly comes down to 29.8, which is considered overweight and just short of obese (obese is 30 or higher). The problem with the BMI is that it doesn’t seem to factor in muscle mass very well. If you are a muscle bear, the BMI can’t handle it (example: 5’8” and 225 lbs and heavily muscled, rippling abs, etc., results in a BMI of 34.2, which would be very obese—not). I don’t consider myself grossly overweight. I go to the gym and, if I do say so myself, have pretty nice biceps :P ). So, the BMI is just a guide for people with average builds, really What’s even more interesting is that doctors are discovering that if you are healthy in all other respects and exercise regularly, being “overweight” has no real effect on your health. Indeed, the National Cancer Institute did a study that found that moderately obese people actually lived an average of 3.1 years longer than those who were considered to be average weight. Owen, Papabear advises you this way: keep moderation in mind. If you’re going to be pudgy, okay, but remember to eat well and to exercise, too. Keep the supersized chub fantasies where they belong: fantasy land. Both for you and your partner. Buy him a nice box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day, but eat them after a healthy meal. Then go out and have a nice, long romantic walk in the countryside together. I wish you good health and love. Papabear |
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