*Warning, this will contain a lot of rambling and scatterbrained...ness. If I had figured out the proper way to say/type it, I might have figured it out already*
Hi! Well this is interesting, I'm asking a question on the same day I found your blog! (Is that the right word? I don't know. ;w; ) So here's my predicament. I've been using the same username for almost 3 years. In that span I've done a lot of things: make art, evolve in my art, make characters, make friends, but also make enemies. And these enemies seem to love coming back to take swings at me. Several going as far as to wish me death. Now I'm not someone who enjoys when people give them pity, but I won't deny that I love attention. But it feels that the attention is falling less on the art and more on the conflicts. So I've decided to make the change from deviantArt, to FurAffinity as I feel that better artists tend to get more work and commissions there as opposed to everyone posting everything on dA without any control. So since April I've been practicing anatomy, poses, furry stuff, for months nonstop! And I'm just getting ready to make the move, but then comes the issue. I've had my fursona, Cassidy, for about a year now. My FA account has a few friends and watchers and the sort, but bares the name of my old account. I know that I can make another account to just avoid all of this, but I want to bring my fursona to the center of my art and not have to hide. I've kind of put my fursona on my current FA already quite a bit, considering my fursona has some better personality traits than I do (and is also the opposite gender than I, showing a different side of me), trying to start anew with some new people, new furs, a community I'd really like to be a recognized member in. But the trolls from my deviantArt could find it, and some have, and preblocked it (before I had even made it active as I've had it for a few years as well)! I'm just not sure what to do! I've got some great friends, and with my current account name actually having my real name in a clever kind of way (I won't give my account away, but it's something like Katrina'sArtCollection, that sounds nice and stuff) but then have my fursona be the face of it without having to draw myself or anything. I'd like to think I've changed in the negative things I've done on my dA account, grown as a person, etc., but these people haven't been around to see it. Makes me wonder if I should care what they think. But my point is, after all that, is that would making a new account change anything? Remove the infamy? Or should I stick it out and continue with my friends and watchers, and ignore the haters and go strong? Would no matter what, the negatives or the past bleed through and it'll all be for not one day? Thank you for reading my blabbering. With the warmest of hugs, Cassidy The Civet~ * * * Dear Cassidy, One has to wonder what went on that you have enemies who want you to die. I’m sure that must be an exaggeration on their part, yet their enmity is clear. On the other paw, you’ve turned over a new leaf and have friends on your side. Good. It’s not uncommon for furries to change their fursonas (or have more than one fursona), but this is more an issue with branding than with alter egos. You’re trying to brand your art business and make Cassidy the familiar face your customers associate with it. Now, if we were talking about a brand image like the McDonald’s arches or the Nike swoosh or Tony the Tiger, I could definitely see the problem. You wouldn’t want to drop logos like that because they are recognized the world over. But you’ve only had Cassidy as your fursona for a year, so it’s hardly a widely recognized image. Establishing your art site with a different mascot character would not, therefore, be much of a setback and would not hurt your business or your desire for recognition in the fandom. That said, you should also not allow yourself to be intimidated by trolls, who aren’t going to forgive you anyway, and are not going to be your customers or followers. So what if they trash you? Everyone gets trashed on the Internet at one point or another, including Papabear. I’ve been called an aspiring popufur who only writes a column for fame and money (I guess my accountant is hiding my money in Switzerland, because I haven’t seen a dime of it, LOL). To answer your question: you are really facing a “six of one, half dozen of the other” situation. To my mind, it really won’t affect you much one way or the other how you decide this, so go with what feels right to you. Trust your instincts. Good Luck, Papabear
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Hello Papabear,
I'm going to start off by saying that I appreciate what you do. When I go to Yahoo! answers I mainly get trolls. Anyways, I've been involved with the fandom since 2010, but I refuse to publically identify as a furry because my friends and family aren't the most open-minded people. But I can't keep it a secret anymore because my mother found furry pornography on my computer, I'm constantly teased by my friends, and there's a lot of tension between me and my mother. What should I do? David (age 15, Las Vegas) * * * Hi, David, Unlike a lot of furries who write and ask how to come out to friends and family, we have the reverse situation here: the cat is already out of the bag, so is there a way to stuff it back in? Short answer: no, not really, not unless you declare it was just a passing fancy and you stop looking at furporn or furry stuff of any kind for the rest of your days. But, if you are a true furry to the bone, you can’t do that (well, you can stop the porn, but you’ll always want to look at furry stuff). On the other paw, if you have no scruples about lying, you could always say it was just a phase and that you are no longer interested in it, and then sneak around. You could store your furporn on secure, password-protected websites, you can search on furry stuff while using the incognito setting of your web browser, and you can generally keep things hidden until you go off to college or find your own place to live. There is yet another option, however: be yourself without apologies. Let’s start with Mom. She would be upset with you whether she caught you looking at furporn or regular porn or gay porn. Most parents react this way because they have a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that their babies are becoming sexually active adults. So, here’s what you do: tell her you’re sorry she saw what she did, but you promise not to go to such sites anymore. Furthermore, you promise to allow her to monitor your online behavior. But you still want to be a furry. Tell her there is a LOT about being a furry that has NOTHING to do with sex. There are even Christian furry websites. Furries do a lot of charity work, too, and a lot of it is just about hanging out with friends and socializing and having fun with the creativity of it. Your mother, right now, is feeling a bit hurt and betrayed by your sneaky behavior, but you can patch things up with Mom by telling her you want to have an open and honest and above-board relationship with her and you will not sneak around any more. The friend situation might be a little tougher. You don’t say how your friends and other peers found out you were a furry, but if they were really your friends, they wouldn’t tease you in a hurtful way (if they are just teasing in a silly way without intending to be mean, then it might be you just need a stronger backbone—tease them back; it’s part of what many friends do, you know, razz each other). If they are being deliberately mean, tell them to stop bugging you about it, and if they don’t then they aren’t your friends. Meanwhile, you can, if you haven’t already, find some furiends. Join a local furry group, such as, in your case, the Las Vegas Furry Community at http://www.vegasfurs.net/ and start getting some friends who are on your side and like the same things you do. Hope this helps. Good luck, fellow furry! Papabear Hi PapaBear!
I'm trying to raise money for a music/drama class trip to the NYC. Here's the Letter. December 2, 2014 Dear Papabear, Coming this spring, April 2015, there is an opportunity for students involved in the Briggsdale High School Drama program to attend the Broadway Student Summit workshops in New York, New York. This opportunity is very exciting for the students to observe and participate in drama and the theatrical arts at its finest. Being from a very small rural community, this opportunity comes very rarely for many students who attend this school. It is exciting that over 50 percent of the students who attend Briggsdale High School are involved in the drama program, and they will be able to learn and apply their new found knowledge and skills about drama and acting. Students will attend workshops that will enhance their acting and theatrical ability. Some workshops include: Vocal Interpretation, Stage Combat, Acting Techniques, and even will attend a Musical Theatre Audition Class. Another highlight of this trip will be going to a Broadway production, Les Miserables, and interact with Broadway cast members. This is an incredible opportunity in which our high school students will participate. However, with many great opportunities, comes great cost. The drama program and students are expected to raise enough money to be able to participate in this incredible event. Would you please consider sponsoring us financially so students would be able to participate in this opportunity? Any amount is greatly appreciated, and will go completely for funding this experience. Thank you for your time and consideration. Briggsdale Drama Club So if you have any suggestions or help for my/our fundraising.? Thanks, Failaria Talerum (age 16) * * * Dear Failaria, That's a wonderful opportunity for you, and I hope you make it there. There's a great performing arts program here in my valley, too, with students trying to raise money to go to New York City and see Broadway shows and also get behind-the-scenes looks into the production of a Broadway play. When I was in school and there was a program to raise money, it usually involved me and my peers going door-to-door selling candy and whatnot. You can also try having a local fundraiser, such as a car wash, bake sale, garage sales, and the like. You and your fellow students could partner with a company that sells products, part of the money from which goes to your trip. Companies that partner with students for fundraisers include:
There are also websites where you simply set up a page and ask people for money for your cause, which can be almost anything. Some examples are GoFundMe.com and GiveForward.com. These sites allow you to set up a donation page, which you can then tell people about on places like Facebook or other social sites. One more option would be to set up your own website and put a donate button on the site. If you use PayPal, you can set up a direct link with your bank, generate html code, and insert that into your website. Hopefully, this will give you some ideas to help. Run these by your school teachers and your parents to get their input. Good luck! Papabear Hi Papabear,
First and foremost, I'd like to say that I hope you had good holidays and to thank you for your amazing work with this column. Now, to my situation. In addition to being a furry, I'm also a therian. And while I'm pretty comfortable with that fact myself (except for a bit of species dysphoria, but it's usually pretty mild so it's not hard to live with it), I've never told anyone about that part of me (in “real life” I mean, on FA, dA and twitter I'm open about it). Recently, I've been thinking and realized that it's the kind of thing that I feel my parents have the right to know, so decided I'd tell them about it and also talk about my asexuality and introduce them to the fandom at the same occasion (to be clear, I haven't had this discussion yet). Doing so would also allow me to be a lot more comfortable at being more open about my therian and furry side at home (more specifically, I want to get a tail and be more open about the fact I started to learn how to draw), because right now, while I don't hide anything per say, I'm still pretty discreet about these kind of things. The main problem here is that I don't really know how I should approach this “coming out.” I tried to search on the internet for advices, but the very few results I found concerning therianthropy in particular were pretty unsatisfactory and the advice for LGBT people I saw doesn’t seem like it would translate well onto my case. I'm open to pretty much any advice you could have, as I feel pretty insecure about all this. I fortunately don’t experience shifts of any kind, so that’s a thing I won't have to explain and I expect my parents to be pretty understanding, but if there's one thing I learned is that sometime it's the least expected thing that happens. I think my main fear about this surely comes from my social anxiety, as I fear my parents might not understand therianthropy and then who knows what happens next (objectively, at worst they’d probably tolerate it even if they somehow disapprove, but for someone who already has a very hard time trusting people that’d still be a hard blow for sure, a blow I’d rather not take). I think that sum it up pretty well, if you need to know anything else feel free to ask. Looking forward to your advices, Wolfennar (age 19, Quebec) * * * Dear Wolfennar, Thank you, I did have a good holiday, and hope you did, too. Regarding your quesiton, let’s be clear here that we are not talking about just one “coming out”; we have three: 1) your being a furry; 2) your being asexual; 3) your being a therian. I would suggest, first of all, that if you do talk frankly to your parents about these, you don’t tackle all three at the same time as that might be a bit much for them to handle. Therians and furries are not the same thing, after all, and your asexuality is also a separate issue. Of the three, being furry is probably the easiest to tackle, because you can simply explain it as a hobby of yours, which, for most, it is. I’ve written many columns on this topic (go to the list of categories on the website under Letters and click on “Coming Out Furry”) that can advise you on how to talk to your parents about your interest in the fandom. You describe your parents as “pretty understanding,” so I imagine they should be fine with it. Remember to make them comfortable with the subject by not hiding your drawings or your Web surfing behavior. Tell them you know there is furporn out there, but you have nothing to hide and they can feel free to ask questions or look at your art and so on. Your asexuality and therianism are tougher topics. Both of these may indicate to your parents that you are suffering from any number of mental disorders (not saying you are), so you must tread lightly. Asexuality—lack of sexual attraction to anyone—is relatively uncommon. The mental health community is still debating, in fact, as to whether or not it constitutes a mental disorder or merely a sexual orientation just like homo- or bisexuality. My opinion is that it could be either. Sometimes, a childhood trauma or hormonal imbalance could cause asexuality, but it could also simply be your natural state. It varies from person to person. Because of that, I would advise that you speak with a counselor about your sexuality if you have any questions at all about it or are unsure as to why you are asexual (more on this below). Therians (and otherkin) take us to an even more dicey area of mental health. Looking at this from the viewpoint of people like your parents (mundanes), if you tell them that you have an animal spirit inside you or are otherwise somehow mystically or mentally or spiritually connected to an animal, they may wonder about your mental state. Psychological disorders such as schizophrenia are one possible explanation for the belief that one is a therian. I’m not saying that is the case with you, not at all, but you need to be warned of this possibility. Hence, this is not a matter of your just confessing to your parents you are an asexual therian furry, after which time and some discussion you will feel free to be open about your furry and other behaviors. Your confession could, rather, instill in them some fears about your psychological state. Therefore, before you confess these two things, you need to figure out exactly why you believe you are both asexual and a therian. Get your thoughts in order and figure out how you will word this to your parents so that they will not think you need psychotherapy. My recommendation for you would be to look at what your goal is. Based on your letter, I surmise your goal is to be able to draw anthro characters and look at furry sites without the worry of trying to hide it from your parents. If that’s the case, then go ahead and tell them that you are a furry and what that means for you and them, but stay away from the topic of therians (at least for now). That is unneeded information for them and is an unessential disclosure for you to do what you want to in the end (draw furries, go to meets, etc.). As for your asexuality, that is a topic for a completely separate, unrelated conversation with your parents. It should remain separate so that your parents do not incorrectly associate one subject with another (e.g., i.e., “Getting into furries has damaged our son’s sexual identity!”) Before you talk to your parents about asexuality, I have a resource for you: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN at http://www.asexuality.org/home/). I suggest you take a long look at the website, which includes some nice forum conversations. So, your assignment, Wolfennar, should you choose to accept it, is this: 1) read the columns about coming out furry on the “Ask Papabear” website; 2) read the AVEN site and arm yourself with knowledge; 3) save therian stuff for another day, if at all. The best way to feel comfortable about doing what you are about to do is to make yourself 100% prepared to answer any and all questions your parents may have, and to do so with logic and honesty. Hope that helps! Papabear [Papabear notes: The letter below contains a lot of mature talk about sex play and is not suitable for readers under 18 years of age.]
Hi Papabear, My problem has to do with my husband. We haven’t been married for long—only a couple months now—but ever since I started dating him he has had 1 big problem that hurts me: he is like any other man and likes to “fap off” and look at porn. This wouldn’t bother me if it didn’t affect our sex life. If he even does it ones a week he cannot finish with me; as a woman, this hurts a lot and makes me feel like I am not good enough. We have talked about it. I have looked it up and it does happen to men who have been fapping off for a long time; the only advice we get is for him to stop. That’s a problem; he doesn’t stop. He does it behind my back, when I am asleep, or even when I am just distracted. It's now become him seeing if he cannot get caught, but nearly all the time I do catch him. He did it while I was sick, thinking I was "so out of it" he wouldn’t be caught. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and said it was over. He begged and pleaded, and I decided to trust him again, but once again he did it. I don't want to end it. With everything else he is a great man, though a little bad tempered. I'm not going to be that young couple who get divorced because they cannot work something out. I do love him, but now this has become a fetish for him. I know some will say have sex more, but, sadly, living with my family (we do plan to move out) it's difficult. Sorry about this being a sex subject, but I am out of ideas with googling this sh** Flufflepuff (22, U.K.) * * * Hi, Flufflepuff, A couple questions first, if I may. Have you thought about seeing a sex counselor? These are therapists who specialize in couples' intimate relationships. How often does he fap vs. how often do the two of you have sex? It sounds as if he was doing this before you moved in with family? Or did he always do it? What kind of pornography does he look at? This is pretty important. When the two of you do have sex, what do you do? Is it pretty vanilla or do you experiment with fetishes and role playing? Did he have sexual partners before you? What do you know of his sexual history? And what of yours? Is he your first sexual partner? Thank you. Answering these questions will help with my reply. Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello Papabear, Sadly I don't think we can afford any therapists for this and he wouldn’t even talk to one if we tried since he is a closed person. As for the amount he faps, I have no idea. If I ask him he will lie. We have sex from 0 times a week to God knows how many. It’s never the same. We do tend to role play often, but thanks to both of us being overweight it tends to just be the normal positions and our weights do put us off sometimes as his legs get sore. He mainly looks at furry porn; mainly of our species together. He reads more than looking at porn and likes to play a text-based porno game. He is very much story-based with his porn and in sex. If there is no role play it wouldn’t happen. I am his first girlfriend; been together for 3-4 years, and he has always been bad for fapping off. Before we moved here we had been together for a year and he never came when we had sex. Thankfully, with lack of privacy, he didn’t get to play with himself so much and has managed to finish while we are, but now he is back to doing it again. Sadly now he has a fetish of not being caught. Flufflepuff * * * Hi, Flufflepuff, Thank you for your straightforward answers, and it is okay to ask questions about sex; that’s one of the many things this column covers. It’s a very central topic to any healthy relationship. It is interesting to me that you knew about his addiction to porn and self-abuse before you married, yet you went ahead with the wedding anyway. Were you thinking, perhaps, that being married would make a difference? Not so, obviously; not any more than marrying an alcoholic or drug addict would cause him to become clean and sober after the celebrated nuptials. And that is how you should treat this situation. Your husband has an addiction to porn. Why did he develop such an addiction? Your answers to my questions helped me to figure this out. For one thing, it is the weight issue. Actual, real-world sex may be uncomfortable for him because he is so large, and may be rather awkward because you, too, are a large person. One solution there might be sexual positions. Conventional missionary is not the friend of couples with big bellies (although using pillows to prop up the hips may help). Here is a good article on positions you may try that could be easier on his legs and afford better access. http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_60/69_love_tip.html. On the opposite end of the issue—interestingly enough!—there was a recent study that fat men (and I won’t apologize for using the word) are much longer lasting in bed. A September 2014 study explained that this is because men with a higher body mass index have higher levels of the female sex hormone estradiol, which inhibits men from achieving orgasms too quickly (lean, muscular men ejaculated over 7 minutes sooner than chubby guys on average, according to the study). This was quite the contrary to conventional wisdom about overweight men and sex. So if you, perhaps, tire out before he achieves orgasm, it is possible you misconstrue it to mean that he can’t climax with you as well as he does watching porn, when really it is a matter of timing (he can fap off to porn for much longer periods, relaxing because he knows he doesn’t have to rush and reach your expectations). In other words, it may be more relaxing for him to sit and masturbate to pornography, knowing that no one is putting pressure on him to ejaculate until he is ready to do so. In this scenario, my advice to you for improved sex would be to experiment with making love in a no-pressure way. That is, start being amorous with him, add lots of heavy petting and kissing at a leisurely rate. Then tell your husband not to worry about having an orgasm. You want this to be just a sensual time of being naked together and enjoying the touch and taste of each other. Make sure he is relaxed and make sure you have at least an hour or more for lovemaking. The pleasure of lovemaking is mostly found in the foreplay and with sharing yourself physically and emotionally with the other person. Do not put so much emphasis on the climax; that’s just the cherry on top of the hot fudge sundae. It is important to remember here that your husband has been making love to you; it’s just that he has been having some problems with the final step. Also, you don’t say he is cheating on you with other people, and that is a very significant point to make. He loves you and doesn’t want to break up with you. So, back off the pressure a bit on the orgasm and concentrate on the lovemaking itself for a while. Now, another thing you can do, too, is add toys and other appurtenances. Thanks to naughty-minded inventors the world over, there are a plethora of devices you can employ that could make real sex with you much more fun for him than watching porn alone (which only stimulates the eyes and ears). For example, there are electro-stimulation devices that can be quite exciting, or, given his fantasy of being caught, he might be into bound-and-gagged or kidnapping fantasies. Obviously, too, he likes furotica, so you might suggest the two of you sit down and scroll through the supplies listed at Bad Dragon to see what tickles his fancy. Going back to the idea of porn addiction. My belief is that your husband got into pornography because he wasn’t having sex in real life (you’re the first and only unrelated woman in his life). By the time he met you, he was already getting his gratification from the computer screen, so the habit was very hard to break. As with any addiction, the solution is usually not breaking it off cold turkey. Instead, work on weaning him off the bad habits and replacing them with good habits. You can do this by finding ways (some of which are suggested above) of making real sex more attractive than online sex. Remember, here, that this guy is very much stimulated mentally; that is, his preferred porn is a text fantasy, so this stuff is really in his head. One suggestion here: try sexual encounters in absolute darkness, or blindfolded, where he can feel what’s going on but can’t see a thing. He also likes nervous tension—the fantasy of outwitting people and fapping while not being caught. In this case, another stimulation technique might be edging. This is a skill of bringing your partner almost to climax, but not allowing him to have an orgasm, and doing this to him repeatedly. That’ll get him going, trust me. Another thing you can try: next time you catch him online, sneak up on him in the nude and start petting him erotically. When he stops typing, tell him to keep doing what he’s doing while you do erotic things to him. What you are doing with these techniques is inserting yourself into his fantasies. If done correctly and with patience, eventually the two different pleasures will become one. Other than saying your feelings are hurt when he doesn’t climax with you, you don’t say much about your own sexual preferences. So I will just say here, briefly, to keep your own sexual needs in mind as well because they are, of course, as important as his. Try to work them into the process of weaning him off the online porn and into real-life sex with you. I hope this advice helps you, Flufflepuff. You clearly love this man and he loves you, too. That gives you a solid foundation to build on. There is nothing in your letter I see as unsolvable. It might take some work (and ALL relationships are work), but I believe you can do a lot to make your sex life a lot more satisfying. Hugs, Papabear Hey Papa,
I'm not coming to you as a furry, but as a human being. I'm worried about my mother. She is 50 and her health is getting increasingly worse. She has trouble breathing, her speech is slurred most of the time, she is morbidly obese and can hardly walk because of her weight and the fact that her left leg is twice the size of her right. She refuses to admit anything is wrong and my father refuses to take her to get help because it "costs money." She also gets angry when anyone talks about it. I'm scared. We lost my grandmother in 2013 (we Still don't know what she died from), my uncle passed in August 2014 of a combination of a heart attack and allergic reaction (he got stung by a bee, nobody knew he was allergic, not even him, which also caused me to lose my job because I got accused of lying about it). I'm scared that my mom won't make it through this year. I don't want to bury another member of my family for the 3rd year in a row. I don't think my mental health could take it. My question is.... What do I do? How can I possibly make this better? I am doing everything I can think of to make this right, but it's never enough. If something happens to her, I don't know what to do. Please help, papa. Marvin "Ingavar" (age 23, Oklahoma) * * * Hi, Marvin, There are several letters ahead of you, but because this is a serious, even life-threatening issue, I'm writing you a quick reply. Your father's excuse that medical help costs too much is no longer valid since the passing of Obamacare. For your state, go to http://www.okhca.org/individuals.aspx?id=52&menu=40&parts=11601_7453 and check out the financial qualifications for getting assistance. All U.S. citizens are REQUIRED to carry health insurance, so if your mother doesn't have any she needs to get some now, either as an individual policy or with state assistance. She will only pay what she can afford to pay. The slurred speech troubles me, as it might indicate your mother has had a stroke. If I were you and your father refuses to budge, I would, as soon as you know what the insurance situation is, call an ambulance and tell the medical team that you believe your mother has had a stroke. (Even if she hasn't had one, you have due cause to alert them.) Heck! Forget the insurance. Get her help immediately and figure out the costs when you can. I'm sorry that you seem to care more about Mom than your dad does, which puts you in the situation of taking the lead on this. Your mother's health is more important than whatever your dad's problem might be. And, of course, she needs to lose a lot of weight. If your mother's situation is serious enough, you could probably get insurance help with bariatric surgery or lapband surgery. I hope this helps. Write again if you have more questions. Hugs, Papabear |
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