When You're in Your 30s, Is Finding an LTR More Unlikely?

Hewwo,

After several long years of being single, I, at the age of 30, have decided to start dating again. It took a long time for me to reach this point, I had spent a couple of years in therapy trying to deal with issues that have resulted in my long term loneliness and sexual dysfunction, and I think I've reached a point where I can not only learn how to be more comfortable and trusting of others but also be more willing to pursue a (mostly male) romantic partner.

However, while I have been pursuing such relationships recently, I have been finding it very very hard to find the one for me. Everyone my age seems to be either married, in a committed relationship, or committed to remaining single for the rest of their life. On top of that, the ones who are single and open tend to be a little bit on the younger side (early 20s). Not only that, but I'm also having a hard time finding someone that actually wants to be in a relationship and isn't just trying to use me for sex.

Pretty much the only single person I've managed to find was someone who is 24 (just young enough to be in a relationship with without it feeling a little creepy), but the more I'm with this guy, the more I'm beginning to find that he doesn't seem interested in me at all (or in me being interested in him) and just simply wants to use me for sex. I have no idea what to do. I finally committed myself to no longer being alone, but I don't want to feel like I have to sell my body to uncaring people just so I wouldn't have to live or sleep alone.

Has my opportunity for a good relationship already passed me by because I simply couldn't get my act together while I was still in my 20s? Sorry if this sounds venty, I just feel like I need guidance on something on something that I'm learning over a decade too late.

Felixian

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Dear Felixian,

Cool name, btw, if I may say so.

Venting is what this column is for! Yeah, the dating scene is tougher the older you get, for sure. And yes, to be frank, many younger men are out for sex or sugar daddies. That's not always true, of course, but it is definitely a common experience. And older men tend to already be in relationships or else they have had one or more bad relationships already and are very careful or flat-out disinterested in finding an LTR.

So, here's what you do: Abandon the dating scene.

​Don't deliberately go out to bars or websites to meet people to set up a date. All that gets you is rooms full of people whose desperation is so intense you can smell it. And that is very off-putting. I'll tell you a quick story as an example. My late sister was a lesbian working in academia. As part of her work scene, she would sometimes have to go to social gatherings full of professors and administrators and such. At the gatherings, some of her straight, single lady friends would be working the room, seeking connections and relationships. My sister could see that, after a while, the men in the room began to noticeably avoid these women, subtly steering clear or excusing themselves. Meanwhile! My sister, who had absolutely no interest in men (obviously), but who was an intelligent and interesting conversationalist, was drawing crowds of men to her. Why? Because a strong, confident woman who is not clingy and desperate is extremely attractive.

You'll be surprised how much easier it is to find people when you're not looking. But by "not looking" I don't mean sit at home and hide from everyone. Not at all. What you should do is get involved in life. Get out there and do activities you love, especially activities where you will find lots of other people. Then, guess what? You will easily locate people who share your interests. Strike up conversations with them. Go to lunch with a group and simply socialize. Eventually, you should become friends with some of these people, and it is at that point you might approach them for a date (the single ones, of course) because the best relationships start off as friendships and then progress into more than friendships. This is what happened to me with my late husband, Jim, and then with Michael. Jim and I got involved by trying to start a small news podcast business in Michigan, and this developed into love and we moved in together. Michael, interestingly enough, was introduced to me by Jim because Michael taught piano and he became my teacher. After Jim died, Michael moved in with me and we married a couple of years later.

Good relationships develop organically. When you try to force them (often with a hookup kind of date) they tend not to work out too well. Sex is great, but you can't base a relationship just on the physical aspects, as you surely know already.

To answer your question: No, opportunities have not slipped you by. I belong, for instance, to quite a few online groups of older gay men, and there are many who have been widowed or divorced who would very much like a serious relationship again. They are out there. Try the approach I outlined above. It takes longer to follow it through, but the results will be better.

Take Care,
Papabear