There Is a Difference between Reaching Puberty and Reaching Maturity

Dear Papabear,

I need help making sense of everything and I am kind of overstimulated by everything. My friends and Dad's side of the family support me all the way, but my mom and stepdad don't at all support LGBTQIA+. I came out to my friends as pansexual recently. My question is, "How do I make sense of all this and come out to my parents?"

Eclipse (age 14, TX)

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Hi, Eclipse,

You are under no obligation to tell your mom and stepdad about your sexuality unless you feel comfortable doing so.

The other thing you need to realize is that, at your age, sexuality can still be mutable. That is, you are still maturing and changing. When I was your age, for example, I still thought I was straight. It was not until much later I realized I was gay.

Most people confuse puberty with maturity. They are not the same thing. Just because women start having their periods around age 12 or 13 doesn't mean they are mature yet mentally or emotionally. When it comes to these qualities, women reach mental maturity around age 22 or 23 (men around age 25 or 26). Emotional maturity for women is reached around age 30 or 32, and men (don't hate me, guys) around age 43 (you heard me). 

While your body may have matured by 14, the rest of you still needs time to catch up. Determining your sexuality is not merely a matter of physical maturity (this is a big reason why an adult man having sex with a 14-year-old girl is considered to be raping a minor). Eclipse, your teens and twenties are a time when you are discovering who you are as a person. Yes, one of these factors does include your sexuality, but we are much more than our sexuality. We are intellectual, emotional, and spiritual beings as well.

We shouldn't define ourselves by our sexuality alone. When I introduce myself to people, I usually describe myself as a writer, publisher, and furry. I never walk up to someone, put my hand out for a shake, and announce, "Hi! I'm Kevin! And I'm a cis gay man!" 

What I'm saying here is that you should not push yourself to solidify your identity right now. In the same way you are still trying to figure out who you are as a person, what your interests in life are, what career you might pursue, and so on, you should still be discovering who you are sexually. It is not uncommon for people to discover this as late as their 50s, believe it or not.

Am I saying you are not pansexual? No, I am not saying that at all. If that is how you feel right now, then you are pan. But be careful. Are you certain that you are not feeling this way because you are being influenced by friends to do so? There are many cases in which people, for instance, have felt that they have had to be trans in order to be cool. Announcing one is trans to teen friends can be viewed as being rebellious and edgy. There is also pressure from people--usually adults--to tell you that you are not trans or pan or bi or gay or whatever.

If your mom and stepdad are anti-LGBTQ and you tell them about your sexuality at this time, you will probably experience a lot of negative pressure from them, a lot of casting of doubt. In a worst-case scenario, they might even try to send you somewhere for conversion therapy, which is still legal in Texas (and 21 other states). Conversion therapy is dangerous, to say the least, and has led many LGBTQIA youth to commit suicide or suffer other mental anguishes.

My advice, as you can tell, is do not come out to your mom and stepdad. Now is not the time. And don't feel guilty about not coming out to them. You came out to those you felt would be supportive (good!) and you have not done so to those you feel would not be (wise).

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

In the meantime, continue to focus on yourself, continue to work on discovering who you are physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That is what your teens and twenties are for. No rush, Eclipse. Take your time, okay? Work on the full you!

If you have any other questions or follow-up, feel free to write again. Good luck!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear