Self-declared Extrovert Has Trouble Socializing in Groups

Dear Papabear,

I hope I'm finding you well. I'm Vodka, and I'm 18 years old as of now and have been in the fandom for a few years already. I'm in a weird position: both in the fandom and outside. I'm seeking some advice from somebody much wiser than me.

I'm an extrovert who, like other extroverts, likes partying, meeting new people, and being around the center of attention. I consider myself an interesting person. I have a good collection of nice and particular stories that people like to hear. For every taste, I have something. But the problem is I can't get myself to be alone and throw myself out there. I always need somebody to introduce me and start the conversation. Even online, I have issues. I fear being judged (even though I'm confident) and leaving a bad impression.

One time I was at meetup at an anime/cosplay convention with a friend I met on Barq (I have issues only with groups). I knew I was going to struggle socially. So, to boost my social skills, I brought half a liter of Vodka to calm myself down. It did nothing. My brain overrode the ethanol somehow. This shows how much I struggled. Thankfully, the friend of my friend introduced us, and after that we started talking with other people.

On the other hand, I managed to become a well-known member of my local MTB group of around 150 people by only joining the chat and riding with 2-3 people at a time (I got in because I met someone while riding). I even got assigned a nickname, "Mono Palla," which translates to "Single Ball." It has to do with my bike--not going to prolong on that.

I really can't figure out what to do. I joined Discord servers and the Telegram group of the meetup, but I always feel like I dont belong since I'm a stranger and they all know each other. I don't know where to seriously start. I already have a few friends, but for one reason or another they can't get me into their group (it's for valid reasons, nothing to do with me as me). I feel like I'm walking in the darkness. I'm looking for any advice, anything that will help.

Thank You,
Vodka (age 18; Rome, Italy)

* * *

Salve, Amico Mio,

Interesting letter that has a thread of contradiction (or irony?) in it. For example, you can't actually be self-confident if you are afraid of being judged by others. The confident person is assured in themself and doesn't, frankly, give a rat's ass about other people's approval. At least, that is what someone would initially believe, right?

Yet, it IS possible to be a social extrovert AND have social anxiety or a lack of self-confidence. My beloved late first husband, Jim, is a perfect example of this. To anyone who didn't know him deeply, Jim was a huge extrovert. He spent most of his working career in television and radio. He was a news director for a TV station in Lansing, Michigan, as well as being an entertainment reporter, and he spent many years in radio and, the last few years while he was with me, he ran podcasts, first in Michigan and then here in SoCal. When he was with a group of people, Jim's big personality would fill the room. He had an infectious laugh and would always make people feel comfortable with him and important. Yet, inside, Jim was actually a scared little boy in many ways. He said he had Peter Pan Syndrome--never wanting to grow up, not really. There were times I saw him weep with anxiety.

People like Jim, and, I think, you, often cover up their self-doubt, anxiety, and fear of the world with a coating of social extroversion (and often with humor, which is why many great comedians got that way because they used humor to cover up the anxiety they have had since childhood). You aren't actually comfortable with people; you pretend to be in an attempt to overcome your inner fears. You insert yourself into the groupies of the actual social butterflies, circling the centers of attention at parties, without ever becoming the center yourself. The danger of forcing yourself to be sociable is the potential for leaning on chemical help--booze or drugs--to give you the strength to continue the charade. This is why drinking vodka didn't help you: Booze just covers things up; it doesn't solve the problem. Worse, if you allow yourself to descend into addiction, you can ruin your life (please, I beg you, don't go down that path; just because the legal drinking age in Italy is 18 doesn't mean you should drink booze).

What is the problem then? The problem is you do not believe in yourself, Vodka. This is far from uncommon in one so young as you, and the solution isn't to figure out how to join a social group. The path to build self-confidence has many facets. "How do I build self-confidence?" you might understandably query. As you might guess, that's not something that happens overnight but that can take years to achieve. There are several areas to focus on that will help:
​

• Affirm your strengths each day by recognizing the positive qualities you possess and skills that you have. Acknowledge that you are a good person who has value in the world. Some psychologists suggest that it is helpful to get up in the morning each day, look in the mirror, and say something good about yourself. It helps, truly, to look in the mirror while doing this, literally facing yourself.
• Avoid self-criticism. Don't say things like, "I'm so stupid for doing such-and-such," or, "I'm always making mistakes." Also, avoid criticizing your appearance or personality. Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes; everyone has flaws. Dwelling on them with that self-critical inner voice will do nothing but erode your view of yourself. Whenever you make a mistake, don't obsess over it; learn from it and move on.
• Do not compare yourself to others. There will always be people who seem richer, more skilled, smarter, or more accomplished than you (as well as people who are poorer, more inept, dumber, less accomplished than you, so don't go the other way and put them down, either). The only thing you have control over is improving yourself, and I mean as a person, not in a material sense of wealth and possessing things.
• Surround yourself with true friends and supportive family. A true friend doesn't put you down or reject you for being you; a good family member doesn't do that, either. I'm not saying you should surround yourself with yes men; constructive criticism can be a good thing. But people who just put you down because they are trying to feel better about themselves or control you? Avoid them like the plague.
• Take time for solo meditation or just being by yourself, learning to enjoy your own company. Learn to create your own identity rather than being a mere reflection of other people's vision of who you are. You can do this simply by taking 10 minutes a day to sit quietly by yourself, or by taking a walk, especially a walk in nature.
• Always remember that you were not put here on Earth to please others. You are here to experience the world and to live on your own terms (as long as that doesn't involve hurting others, of course!)

We are all works in progress. Truly working on yourself is a self-improvement project, though. While socializing is an important skill and can be rewarding (we are a social species that needs to do this), it is not the tool we need to improve ourselves. That only comes from within. With work, you can come to believe in yourself, and when you have done that--when you no longer need approval from others because you approve of yourself--you will find that this makes you a very attractive person. There is, frankly, nothing more attractive than the person who is truly confident in who they are, and that is when you will find yourself easily accepted into social groups: when you do not need to be accepted; when it is a choice rather than a mandate.

So, focus on the things you love such as anime, cosplay, mountain biking, and anything else you enjoy. Learn about the world, learn new skills, educate yourself, do volunteer work in your community. All these things will build confidence and make you more well-rounded and interesting. That's much more valuable than being the fellow who is popular at parties.

Take Care!

Papabear