Learn to Forgive Yourself and Move Forward

Hey there, PapaBear,

First, I wanted to say thank you for answering my ambitious question earlier in the year. This will be a bit more serious. Just to warn you, I'll be venting and sharing my strange, probably incoherent, and impulsive feelings. I hope you don't mind. I'll talk to my therapist about this, too.

All right, here it goes....

I have the feeling that the Fandom will fully disown me for everything I've done, including those I trust the most, too. I've been thrown under the bus so many times of my own accord through my own selfish, impulsive behaviors. I don't even know why I try anymore to be someone special in the Fandom. Sure, I may be autistic and have impulsive thoughts, but I think that facade has rotted way past the threshold. I don't think I'll ever be welcomed in the Fandom because of what I've done and who I associate with. Frankly, I haven't seen the need to keep trying to fit in when I know I'll just blow it up again. The thing is, this isn't really a new issue, either.

I used to avoid the Fandom like it was something I shouldn't be doing or associating with, all because I didn't know any better about furries and what they actually do. Even after my admittance to the fandom, things were always rather rocky for one reason or another. I sometimes wish I had a better experience overall where I didn't have this backwards view of the fandom before and didn't have such a hard time trying to get myself around. Now I feel like I'll never get that experience because of all my sins catching up to me.

I used to have fun being in the Fandom and, well, being myself, but ever since those incidents happened. I feel like those days are long gone. I don't know what I'm gonna do, and I feel like doing this will be used against me, but you never know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I just want that feeling again, that feeling of security, acceptance, and engagement that I don't think I've been able to find anywhere else. I want to find a way to reconcile these sins, but do you and I really think it'd be a good idea?

I guess a good way to explain my situation with the Fandom is through songs, the main one being Post Malone's "Circles." The lyrics resonate with me beyond the chill tune. Another one would probably be the one English translation of "Makenai ai ga Kitto Aru," as it talks about my sense of wanting to belong and be understood. (you might know it from Megaman, or somewhere else).

I think that's all I have to say. This message is probably gonna be an emotional roller coaster to read, but I at least hope it'll be organized enough to be understandable. I apologize for any kind of confusion, or complications I may have caused.

With (off the pill) regards,
Riley.

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Hi, Riley,

What actually happened to you that caused this shift from feeling accepted to not feeling accepted? Was it something specific? Several things? Or just a general feeling?

Hugs,
Papabear

* * *

Hello there, PapaBear, thanks for the response! 

It's actually a combination of all three. I think this information might be used against me, so as to prevent drama I'll just say there have been several specific, but unrelated incidents that ultimately ruined my morale of being a part of the Fandom. They range from years ago to somewhat recently. Add that to the fact that my mind goes everywhere at certain times, it makes the general feeling of my guilt a very strong one.

Now, there are a few reasons why I haven't reconnected and tried to reconcile yet. One is that I don't feel like enough time has passed, even if it was 2-3 years ago. Another is my general self-doubt and deprecation looking back at what I did. I don't know if they'll ever forgive me because I probably won't be able to forgive myself unless I really try. I usually just call off whatever thing I want to fix because I feel like we need more time.

I also get that feeling--because of the fear--that everyone I know will find out and will ultimately disown me. "Seasons change and our love went cold, feed the flames cause we can't let go. Run away, but we're running in circles...." Is it irrational? I dunno, most likely, but that feeling remains.

I guess on that note, if anyone I know is reading this and is shocked over what I've said, I don't blame you. I just wanted to get it out for a while, and I have nothing against anyone who's seen me as a great person.


Overall, I think I just need to believe that I have the strength, because "in my heart I know there's love, unbeatable and strong like the heartbeat inside of me." I mean, what do you think? Are these feelings really irrational and won't get me anywhere? Or do you think there's little merit in them? I'll let you be the judge.

With (on the pill) Regards,

Riley.

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Dear Riley,

I believe I may have mentioned before that the furry fandom is not a homogenous, single body. Therefore, it is literally impossible to be rejected by the entire fandom. There are likely tens of thousands of furries or more who have never heard of you or whether or not you have done anything wrong. I mean, I, for one, have not, so I'm certain many others have not. That's Point #1, which then implies that there are plenty of furries out there you can come into contact with and make new friends. 

As for those who have rejected you for whatever reason, many of them do so for some pretty bad reasons, including: 1) gatekeeping, 2) feeling better about themselves for tearing other people down, and 3) not having any forgiveness in their hearts. All three reasons are terrible. You don't want to be friends with such furries anyway. True friends will forgive you when you ask for forgiveness.

Next up: forgiving yourself. Literally nobody is perfect; literally everyone makes mistakes; literally anyone can do selfish, hurtful things without really meaning to. Usually, when people do things that are seen as bad, it is because people can be ignorant or stupid or simply socially awkward and lacking in confidence and self-respect. It's not because they are mean, necessarily. I've done some stupid things in my life, too. You're no different. Give yourself a break.

But how does one forgive themself?

• Stop obsessing about the past. The past is done. You can't change it, so there is no point in constantly thinking about it...
• EXCEPT for learning from your mistakes and promising yourself to do better....
• And to do better, one first apologizes for the mistake, including apologizing to oneself: "I never meant to hurt you, and I am sorry. I will learn from this error and do my best not to repeat it."
• Do what you can to make amends to any harmed parties. Some will accept your gestures, but others might not. You can't do anything about the latter, so simply say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Goodbye."
• Accept that you may lose some relationships. Embrace those who show forgiveness. Those are the cool people.
• After acknowledging any wrongdoing, apologizing, and resolving to do better, substitute negativity with self-affirming encouragement. Example: "In my heart, I know I am a good person and there are things I can do in my life that will create positive effects in the world. I will start working on that today."
• Finally, embrace your shadow self. Everyone has Light and Darkness within them. No one is able to completely eliminate feelings like hate, envy, fear, and selfishness. You must therefore learn to integrate them into what is fully you. 

Most people are either unaware of their shadow self or they try to repress it. This is rather the basis of a lot of research in psychology (think especially Freudian psychology). But repressing or hiding the shadow self doesn't make it go away; instead, it will express itself in uncontrolled and often hurtful ways. To stop this from happening, the best way is to acknowledge the shadow by doing such things as journaling (write down your negative feelings and traits) and mindfulness. Here is a good article about the shadow self, the types of shadow self, and how to live with your shadow instead of avoiding it: Shadow Self: 13 Types & How to Embrace Your Dark Side ⋆ LonerWolf.

Everyone makes mistakes and does bad things on occasion, Riley. The fact that you are concerned about this and want to do better clearly demonstrates you have a strong good side. (If you were truly a bad person, you wouldn't care one bit about hurting people.) At this time in your life, I would suggest you stop worrying about what people in the fandom think about you and focus on yourself. Once you find peace in your heart and acceptance of yourself, you can put yourself out there again and, trust me, people will notice the difference. People who are self-confident and at peace with themselves send out good vibes that have no need to be vocalized. People sense it and will have good feelings about being around you. 

You will be okay.

Hugs,
Papabear

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Hello, PapaBear,

I read and reread your response over, I think it's exactly what I needed to hear. I think it makes perfect sense for me to not worry too much about these old figures.

Also, I didn't know that doing something as simple as journaling, or, well, trying to comprehend my Dark Side could do a lot to improve my mental health. I usually find resolve in that stuff through action, but I guess writing stuff down would be a better idea than doing stuff I might regret. I completely understand everything being said here. I really need to stop overthinking all of this stuff. It's a bad habit of my psyche, and being autistic usually tends to bring out these feelings a lot more. I just need to find a way to accept and control these things in a positive way. 

Now that I think about it, there are plenty of people in my life--online and in real life--that still care for me. It's very important to take a hold of these Precious Time, Glory Days and, well, keep holding on. Even if I feel like I'm buried six feet deep today, I gotta make sure my tomorrow won't be that way because I know I'll be okay....

Thank you, Papabear. I really do gotta appreciate the time you take reading emails like this. I hope that I'll come back to this message whenever I feel down about this. I hope that the next time I write you a letter it won't be under circumstances like this.

With (Grateful) Regards,
Riley.