Is It Catfishing If Your Fursona's Sex Is Not the Same as Your Own?

Dear Papabear,

I’ve read many of your columns, and I’ve always admired how kind and thoughtful you are with the people who write to you. I’ve been nervous about reaching out, but I finally worked up the courage because I don’t really know who else to ask about this.

I’m a woman IRL, but my fursona is a male coyote. He helps me express myself more freely and feel more confident socially. I also tend to connect more easily with guys than with women, so having a male fursona feels natural and comfortable for me.

I want to be honest about that in my profile, but I’m not sure how to say it in a way that’s clear without sounding awkward or like I’m trying to hide something. My worry is that people might think I’m being deceptive or “catfishing” because I’m female behind a male character. I’m happily married and only looking to make positive friendships, but I’m afraid people might misunderstand.

In the past, I’ve had several friendships with women end in betrayal, while my friendships with men have generally been more straightforward and honest. That’s part of why a male fursona feels safer for me, even if I’m not sure how to explain that ^o^;;;

I also know that male characters are more common and tend to get more attention in the furry fandom, and I’m worried that having a male fursona might look like I’m trying to take advantage of that, especially since I hope to take commissions in the future.

I don’t want to mislead anyone or make people uncomfortable. Could you help me understand whether it’s okay to have a male fursona as a woman, and how to navigate this in my profile without crossing any boundaries?

Thank you for your time and for all the kindness you show in your work.

Anonymous

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Dear Furiend,

Thank you for your kind words and for your letter on an interesting issue. I could probably talk about this topic for many pages, but I will try to keep my reply fairly concise yet informative.

To begin with, judging by your letter, you are not trans but are fine with being a woman IRL. It's just that you enjoy projecting a male sex in your fursona for the sake of personal interactions within the fandom. I will write my response with this in mind.

There are two main points to respond to in your letter. I, being very German in my attitudes, will now proceed with a very short numbered list :3

1. Male characters (fursonas) are more common than females in the fandom for the simple fact that there are a lot more men actively participating in the fandom than women. According to FurScience, males outnumber females by a margin of about 3 to 1. There are many reasons for this, really, that have to do with the fact that young males, especially, tend to be the largest demographic in fantasy, sci fi, and other fandoms in general. When it comes to fantasy/sci-fi, genre writing tends to be of a type that is packed with action and violence and dangerous adventures, which are subjects that tend to appeal more to the masculine gender. The furry fandom is strongly tied to these genres, too, as well as to anime, which tend to, again, have plots dealing with action. Women, on the other hand, tend more to enjoy fiction involving romance, mysteries, political intrigue, and generally less-violent plots. This is, I must stress, a gross generalization, but it tends to be true. There are, of course, women who like more action, and so it is not surprising that there is a good percentage of women furries (about 25%, a figurte, I believe, that is increasing), just not a majority. If you are someone who also likes action and adventure, furry fiction can definitely provide that. Also (have to mention), males tend to be more attracted to adult themes of which there is a preponderance in this fandom.

2. You do not have to be LGBTQIA to be interested in exploring a fursona of an opposite gender. I would like to compare this to the phenomenon of male cross dressers. As you might know, about 80% of cross dressers are cis hetero males, followed by cis gay males, neither of whom have any desire to transition. According to this article, some reasons that men cross dress include a simple exploration of one's feminine side, an enjoyment of the comfort of women's fashions (styles and materials), and release of tensions of trying to always conform to societal standards of what males should be. Now, in your case, being a woman who enjoys socializing with men, do you also enjoy wearing "men's" clothing more and perhaps other "male" things such as football, fast cars, working with tools, etc.? If so, that certainly doesn't mean you want to be a man, just that you like those things. As for the simple act of socializing, you are not alone there. My mother, for one, was like you: She always preferred to hang out with men who, she also felt, tended to me more direct in conversations, more forthright.

Believe it or not, there have been studies on women and the sex with which they prefer to hang out and how other women perceive them. In general, women tend to see same-sex friendships with women as being nurturing and supportive and good for one's well-being while women who prefer hanging with men are seen as looking for romantic and sexual partners. This is not surprising. "On the other hand," according to this 2022 PsyPost article, "women who have mostly male friends may see women who engage in same-sex friendships as jealous or needy." The article continued: "Results showed that women who preferred friendships with men were more hostile and less trusting towards other women ... [and] women viewed the female target as not being trustworthy based on the stated preference for male friendships. Additionally, women who preferred cross-sex friendships had more mating success and reported more unrestricted sexual freedom." Since you are happily married, the sexual relationship factor isn't relevant to your preference for male friends. Also, other women might be suspicious of your motives and would therefore be less likely to extend offers of friendship. So, you might garner more animosity from women in the fandom. Also, you are right that it might be seen as a "move" on your part to try to gain more popularity. Drama and neurotic competition for validation and approval in the fandom is common, although usually it comes about for other reasons such as jealousy over fursuits or who gets the most attention at cons or in TikTok videos.

But you did not create a male fursona to be a popufur nor did you do it to find a romantic or sexual mate. You just did so because, as you said, you enjoy the company of men more. Is what you are doing "catfishing"? It is only catfishing if you are not honest about your true identity. I would, therefore, be very open and upfront about your true sex when making friends or even acquaintances online. If you are starting to make a new friend and are having an informative, sharing moment with them, just tell them early on that your fursona may be male but IRL you're a married woman and you adopt your male fursona for RPGs and social interactions in the fandom. (You are certainly not the only one who has done this.) If someone has a problem with that, then just acknowledge it and move on. No harm done. 

In your profile, just state the facts, a la, "Hi! My name is X, my fusona is This Name and he is a coyote etc. etc. In my real life, my name is XX and I am a happily married woman living in Arizona. I love the fandom because of Z and Q, and I enjoy interacting with furries in adventures and social scenes as a male coyote because that is simply where I feel most comfortable. If you want to chat and learn more about me, DM me anytime!" or something along those lines.

You know, in fantasy fandoms like the furry world, everyone is exploring the possibilities of being other characters. I mean, I'm not really a bear hehe; you're not really a coyote. My fursona, Grubbs, loves to fish, but I haven't fished in 40 years; he's also a lot more chill than I am. OCs are fun ways to explore aspects of ourselves in a safe environment, and experimenting with sex, gender, and sexuality, as well as age, race, abilities, and so on. These are all ways of exploring ourselves and our possibilities. Almost no one has a fursona that is exactly like they are (ignoring the obvious exterior differences).

Just be honest with everyone in your profile, and you'll be fine.

If you have more questions or need some clarifications, hit me up any time.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear