He Feels He Doesn't Deserve to Call Himself a Furry

Dear Papabear,

I’m new here. I've very recently been delving myself into parts of the furry community, but yet even though I've drawn and thought about my own fursona, love seeing others fursonas, and have always in my life supported and loved seeing furries share art and fursuits, I feel so disconnected from it all. It feels uncomfortable to call myself a furry even if rationally I am one. My partner says I’m in denial. I suppose I’ve just had a long history since childhood of supporting furries while not necessarily being a furry myself. I liked my friends, and I defended them at a time where discrimination was rampant. I’ve had best friends, family, and now a partner who are all furries and love them all. I love the art and creativity in this community so much.

Now I find myself in the realization that I’m interested in the community, and I like making fursona art for instance; but even though I have all this it feels weird to call myself a part of this community. I feel like I have to earn the title of being a furry and I don’t know where I got this notion from because, rationally, I know of course not.

I think I feel too disconnected from the community to claim myself to be a part of it. It feels odd to me to just call myself a furry; it doesn’t feel that simple to my brain. It feels like a sort of commitment or a big identity and something that needs history behind it. I don’t know how to explain my thoughts. I have countless theories of just why I could be feeling so disconnected and uncomfortable at calling myself a furry. But I don’t know why or how.

I’m sorry for this ramble ..., but I would like guidance on this. How can I, as a newcomer, feel comfortable calling myself a part of this community? How can I feel more connected and, I suppose, feel "deserving" to being a furry? Am I in denial?

Anonymous (age 18)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for your letter. First thing you must do! 

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT SO DO NOT IGNORE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU OR YOU WILL REGRET IT FOREVER AND EVER!!! *CUE FLASHY RED LIGHTS AND SIRENS! PANIC AND RUN AROUND IN RANDOM PATTERNS AS YOU SCREAM IN TERROR!*

calm ... down ... and be more like Baloo (more below on that).

The furry fandom has no organization to it. No membership fees. Hell, there aren't even strict guidelines on what qualifies you as a furry or not. Everyone has a different opinion. Scientists are even confused. In the book Furscience: A Decade of Psychological Research on the Furry Fandom (IARP, 2023), about the only thing a group of sociologists and other researchers could agree on is that furries are people who have "a fan-like interest in stories, art, media, and fantasies featuring anthropomorphized animal characters." However, having an interest in such things doesn't mean you have to be a furry. I mean, there are millions of people out there who like movies, cartoons, TV shows, and books featuring anthros, and they don't call themselves furries. My fursuit maker, the talented Beastcub, is heavily involved in furcons and doing commissions, but she doesn't consider herself a furry. There are authors who have been invited to be guests of honor at furcons who don't think of themselves as furries (Robert J. Sawyer, author of the "Quintaglio Ascension Trilogy" springs to mind--I recommend his books, btw). R. Crumb, author of the Fritz the Cat comics, would spit in your face if you called him a furry.

But I digress....

When it comes to labeling oneself, there are several options here:

1. You might like anthro stuff, but you do not consider yourself furry.
2. You can be a furry hobbyist (being involved in the fandom and all that it entails)
3. You can be a furry lifestyler (fanship), which means identifying personally with anthros in various ways, but not necessarily being active in the fandom
4. You can be both a hobbyist and a lifestyler (when this goes to the far end of the scale and your life is basically all about furry, you are talking about being "furry trash," which is a fun label, really, and not meant to be insulting)

You can be any of these things to varying degrees or none of them. Look, being a furry is not like coming out about your sexual identity. This isn't about genetics or even psychology (unless you're a Lycan or Therian, which is a whole nuther conversation). If you don't want to be considered a furry because you aren't comfortable with that, then that is totally fine, and people like your partner shouldn't accuse you of being in "denial" or anything like that. Do what you want to do, be what you want to be, and identify as you feel you truly are without apologies.

As for your comment that you feel like you have to somehow "earn" the right to be called a furry: nonsense. Anyone can call themselves a furry if they like. And if anyone tries to gatekeep you, tell them Papabear told them to stick that attitude where the sun don't shine. Furthermore, your "countless theories" comment indicates you are waaaaaaaaaaay overthinking this, my furiend.

Which leads me back to Baloo, my "Bear Necessities" inspiration. Baloo enjoys his jungle, eating, and sleeping, and he doesn't worry about much other than that other than his friends. He's a very happy bear. We should all emulate him.

In this world, when it comes to things you have to do, there are only a few things that qualify:

1. You have to eat and drink.
2. You have to poop and pee.
3. You have to breathe oxygen.
4. You have to sleep.

Literally everything else is optional, so don't let others tell you what you have to do. Such people are usually just trying to control or manipulate you, and that includes some people in the fandom.

Take all this artificial pressure off yourself--pressure being applied both from without and from within--and just enjoy furry stuff if that's what you want to do. You don't have to attend furmeets or furcons if you don't want to, or go on furry social media, or even create a fursona if you don't want to. Or, if you do, go ahead. But even doing so doesn't mean you have to identify as a furry. I mean, when it comes to avatars, just think of people who play World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons and create an anthro character of some sort. Many of them aren't furries, yet they might have, say, a character who is a kobold or maybe they are a dragon or a minotaur warrior or something like that, characters that would fit right into the fandom, and yet they are not furries.

And there's nothing wrong with having lots of furry friends and family members and yet not being a furry yourself. This is called being a fur ally. My last two husbands have been fur allies. Cool people. You can be like that if you wish.

I hope my words have eased your mind somewhat. Stop pressuring yourself, stop torturing yourself, stop feeling like you have to make a decision about this. You don't. And if someone asks you if you are a furry, just say, "Well, I have furry friends and I like the art, but I don't have a fursona and I'm cool with just being me right now and enjoying the ride," or something of that nature. No need to commit one way or the other. If that frustrates people, that's their problem, not yours.

Blessed Be,
Papabear