Going to Japan Might Be the Break He Needs

Dear Papabear,

I live away from my parents and told them [on the phone that I went to] the comic convention when it was [really] a furry convention (Further Confusion).... After the call, my younger brother who still lives with my parents said they were disgusted by it. What should I do? Should I just wait it out ... [so they can] digest the fact that I'm a furry now since I never told them before?

They have told me they support me if I'm gay or bi, but not trans.... I'm bi; just have not told them that. I guess my question is what should I do to mend the relationship?
Also, for some more info, I'm going to Japan in May. I'm in the Navy, so I would just have one last meet with them before I go.

Devon (age 19)

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Dear Devon,

This is a familiar story to Papabear. I get letters like yours all the time. My first advice to you is to not pressure yourself to "go to confessional" and tell your parents about being furry and bi before you head off to Japan in May. There is no timeline for this. In fact, it might be a good break for you to be in Japan (how long will you be there?) and just take a mental holiday from worrying about your family's reactions and judgment.

While you're in Japan, by the way, if you get some shore leave and are able to travel a bit, there are several events in Japan you have the opportunity to check out:

• Japan Meeting of Furries | JMoF in Toyohashi in January (if you're still in Japan next year)
• AnimeJapan 2026 in Tokyo; I believe it is in March
• JAPAN COSPLAY FESTIVAL - WORLD COSPLAY SUMMIT2026 Official Site in Nagoya, July 31 to August 2
• Comic Market in Tokyo is a huge anime marketplace in August

As you are likely aware, Japanese animation has been a huge influence on the furry fandom and still is today. Furries of all sorts who are also anime fans often attend these functions. I encourage you to try to attend one or two of these while you are there with the Navy, if at all possible. You should, too, explore the culture of Japan in general. Sadly, I have not had the chance to visit Japan yet, but everyone I know who goes there for a vacation or long stay says it is totally pawsome, and I believe that. It is a beautiful country with a rich culture. (Oh, btw, Tokyo Disneyland is FAR better than the one in Anaheim.) You can learn a lot from seeing different lands, which can open your eyes to new possibilities for yourself. Of course, you might not have a lot of time to do this as you will be executing your military duties but do your best.

The point here is that you need to focus on yourself right now. I know, you want to be honest and open with your parents, which is a good thing, but it's pretty clear they are not completely ready for what you have to say. It is encouraging that they are supportive of you as a gay man, but they are still struggling with other concepts, such as trans and bi people and furries. You ask me, "What should I do to mend the relationship?" Relationships take two sides. This is not all up to you. Your parents need to meet you halfway. Do you feel they would be willing to talk in an open and compassionate way? Or do you think your brother's report is accurate? (Sounds like you are getting this second-hand instead of straight from your parents' mouths.)

Being open and honest with family is always the preferred way to go, but you should not feel like it is your fault if they have some prejudices that you can't overcome. That's on them. You sound like you have become independent enough to live your own life, so the good news is that--unlike some younger furries who write to me who are still financially dependent on their families to live--you don't have to do whatever they tell you in order to have a life. You can be your own man now. Your military service will help you with that, I believe.

Remember, you were not put on this Earth to please your parents, or anyone else for that matter. You are here to explore the world and to be your true self. Take as long as you need to do this. Do not let anyone set an artificial timetable on when you have to get things done. Don't let anyone dictate to you who you are or what you have to do. Don't seek other people's validation and approval. All of that is bullshit.

Be yourself. Be kind to others. That is all you need to do. And when the time is right (you will know when), you can talk to your parents about all your feelings and what you feel is the authentic you. 

Does that make sense to you? Let me know if you have further questions.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear