Feeling Like a Failure at Work and in Relationships

Dear Papabear,
I recently lost my job, and I’m struggling more than I know how to explain. I had a real passion for it, and it was something I worked very hard to gain. For once, I felt like I was on the right track, building something, making progress. It gave me purpose, momentum, a reason to believe I was finally doing something worthwhile with my life. And now it’s gone, I wasn't cut out for it, I found it way too difficult and they got rid of me because I wasn't capable of keeping up with it.

Since losing it, I feel like I’ve screwed up everything. Not just my job, but my whole future. I keep thinking: what if this was my only shot? What if I’ve made myself unemployable? I'm scared that I’ve made the wrong choices, that I’ve let people down, and that I’ve ruined something I worked so hard for. I feel like I’ve failed before I ever really got started, and that I've somehow screwed my life up this much.

To make things harder, my boyfriend from the US is dealing with depression. And I love him a lot. But I feel so helpless. I can tell he’s in pain, and I want to help him, and show him he's not alone. It's like I'm watching the life slowly get sucked out of someone and it makes me feel like I’m crumbling too. I can barely get through the day myself, and that makes me feel like I’m failing him as well. I want to be his safe place, but I can’t even be my own right now.

Then there’s this pressure I've started to carry around constantly ever since I hit 25, I just feel different now. My cousin’s already a dad. He has a house, a job, a family. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m still trying to figure out how to stand up straight. I start asking myself: am I wasting time? Should I be more focused on getting my life “together”? Am I being foolish for trying to make a long-distance relationship work while everything else is falling apart? Am I *ever* going to make any of this work or is this just a pipe dream that I need to let go of?

Some days I think: maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself about what I’m capable of and I don’t know what direction to go in anymore. I don’t want to give up, but it’s hard to find hope when everything feels so heavy and uncertain.

I guess I’m just asking: what do I do from here?

* * *

Dear Glyn,

Everyone in this world will experience a unique journey of some kind. No two lives will be the same, so the first thing you need to do is absolve yourself of the onus that your life should be like someone else's. Just because you don't have a job right now, aren't married with kids and a mortgage, and doing all the things society says are measures of "success" doesn't mean you are lost. You haven't "screwed up" just because you have had some setbacks. Indeed, for all you know, losing that job might turn out to be a blessing. What if you had stayed in that job, doing what was expected of you, working the weekly grind, paying your taxes, etc., and because you were doing that you never discovered that your real talent lay somewhere else entirely? Maybe now you have an opportunity to explore other options.

So, first lesson above was "Don't compare yourself to others, and don't compete with them." Second lesson is to put aside what is expected of you and try to explore what you really want to do. You write that you had a passion for that job, but your bosses apparently felt you were struggling too much to keep up. That might be because they were poor managers and gave you too much to do, or it might be that you really couldn't manage the job. If the former is the case, then perhaps you can find similar work with another company and do better there; if the latter is the case, then it may be time to explore other career paths.

You are far from unique in switching careers. In fact, it is the norm. Check out this article, for example, which states, among other things, that the average person will change careers 7 times and hold 12 different jobs. The fact that you are 25 and just changing careers for the first time probably even puts you below the curve.

So, you lost one job. That's okay. You haven't let anyone down; pretty much everyone loses a job at some point in their lives. You only let others down if you stop trying. Don't give up. You have options. You could look for temporary work in various fields to see what might suit you; you could hire a career counselor; you could go back to school; you could start freelancing in your field of choice and become self-employed. I assure you, that job you lost was not your only shot. You are young and have a LOT of living yet to do.

As for your long-distance boyfriend--yes, LDRs are very challenging; yes, if you're not in a good place yourself, it is much more challenging to help others. Just as with the job, though, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. It is not up to you to solve your boyfriend's problems with depression. All you need to do--and all anyone should expect you to do for someone you care about--is be there and listen. That's what relationships are about: leaning on each other in bad times and celebrating good times. You are struggling and so is he. This is a time when you are both lucky enough to have a sympathetic and loving ear to speak to, a shoulder to cry on. Let him talk to you, and you, in turn, should talk to him and share your troubles. You can even cry together. That makes for a beautiful and compassionate relationship, knowing the two of you can be there for each other. That's the job you signed up for. You're not necessarily a "fixer." You're a friend and a confidante. Fortunately, modern tech makes that possible even when you are thousands of miles apart. You can do a video chat on WhatsApp and it's almost like being there. As long as you are there for him to listen and care, you are not failing him.

Our modern society often acts like life is a race towards a goal and if you're not in peak condition and running as fast as you can, you're letting down your team.

Bullshit.

Life is not a race. It's a dance. The purpose of the dance isn't to cross the ballroom floor and exit the room; it's to enjoy the movement, the graceful circles, dips, and sways, which are all the more fun if you have a partner but can be awesome even as a solo (with a nod to Alan Watts). You were not put on this earth to have a career, build a family, buy a house, and hoard money for retirement. While some of those might be involved in the dance, none of them are essential. No, the purpose of life is to discover your humanity and the awesomeness of creation and of life. Other than that, the only necessary things are eating, sleeping, breathing, and excreting waste. 

Stop trying to achieve goals and fulfill expectations and learn to simply live.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

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