Dealing with the Sudden Death of a Friend

Greetings, Papabear,

I've written to you before on different issues. This time, however, is a lot more serious. Early in the morning on January 7th one of my best friends passed away in a sudden and severe house fire. There is still an active investigation on the scene. She, her mother, and her father are all believed to be dead. The night before, neighbors reported hearing possible gunshots. Her father was not a very good person; me and my friends suspect he caused whatever started the fire.

This question doesn't have much to do with the fandom, and I apologize. But how do I go forward from this? I can't focus at school, Grief counselors have been pulling me every week; I feel sick when I eat; and I can't sleep.

What do I do? I can't continue normally, and I don't know how to start doing so when every thought is about her.

Thank you,
Floppy

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Dear Floppy,

This will probably involve more than one correspondence. Firstly, my condolences for your loss. What a tragic thing to happen. 

I have a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind. First of all, what do you mean you "believe" that your friend and her parents are dead? Were bodies not discovered? Is there a chance she is still alive and simply fled? This happened 9 days ago, so surely their fates should be known by now. Secondly, do you know whether a police investigation is ongoing? And do you have any newspaper or online stories on this incident you could forward to me? Finally, what does "counselors have been pulling me" mean? I'm unfamiliar with the use of "pulling" in that context. Do you mean you have been talking to counselors weekly?

At the moment, without these answers, I don't feel I can give you an accurate response, but my first impression is that there are a lot of things hanging in the air unanswered. And one thing that can help you is knowing the answers, which can provide a step going forward towards what they often call "closure." 

Let's talk some more soon. 

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

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Greetings, Papabear,

My family was directly informed on her passing; however, they have not released the names to the general public, and because we aren't direct relatives, we haven't been given a "for sure" answer about her parents, only her. Its pretty obvious at this point that her parents are gone as well, and anyone close to her has come to this conclusion.

We recently had a big snow event in Alabama, and it has slowed down the investigation.

Cause of death has not been released to the public, and my mom hasn't been informed on any changes. The investigation is still active/ongoing.

Counselors have been taking me out of class in school weekly (sometimes days on end) to question me or just sit with me.

Floppy

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Hi, Floppy,

Thank you for the quick reply. I don't know what the counselors have been telling you, but here is my take on it as someone who has also faced the sudden and unexpected loss of someone close to them.

1) As I said previously, it will help you some to know, once the investigation is done, what exactly happened. When someone dies suddenly, it can provoke feelings of anxiety if you don't find answers because we, as humans, want to understand why horrible things happen. It helps us make a little sense of the tragedy and eases our upset.
2) Did you have any unresolved feelings or concerns between you and your friend? Things you wish you had said but now can never say to her? If so, it may help you a lot to write them down in a journal or to express those feelings to someone you trust. It really does help to release those things in actual words and not bottle them up inside.
3) If there is a memorial service and/or funeral, I encourage you to attend. Ceremonies help us to find release through closure as well.
4) You might also have your own private ceremony. Just you and your friend who is now in spirit. Go somewhere private. Take a photo with you of your departed friend. And talk to her one on one. Another ceremony I think is nice is to get a helium balloon from a local store, write a note of goodbye, tie it to the balloon, and release it to Heaven.
5) If you are a religious person, talk to your minister or priest or other spiritual leader.
6) Did you have shared friends? You might get them together and share your memories of your friend together and give each other hugs.
7) Allow yourself to cry.
8) Allow yourself to get angry.
9) Allow yourself to feel depressed.
10) DO NOT listen to people who say things like "Get over it," "When are you going to stop being depressed?" "They are in a better place now" (a horrible thing to tell a grieving person) or other such cliches. There is no time limit on grief. Grieve in your own time and, slowly, you will feel better on your own time schedule, NOT someone else's. I mean, it has been not even 10 days. You're allowed to be sad and to have a hard time focusing on daily activities. THIS IS NORMAL. So don't freak out about it. Remember, having "closure" is not the same as having open-ended grief. When I say "closure" I mean that you have come to terms with the fact that someone is now gone, but you will always carry a little sadness in your heart and that can last for years or even a lifetime, but it will ease over time to a bearable level.
11) Do not neglect your health. Eat normally, get rest, and exercise. Taking care of your body will also help in taking care of your mental and emotional health. The three are tied together. As part of this, do not indulge in drugs, booze, or overeating bad food. My sister dealt with grief with booze and now she is an alcoholic. Not good!
12) Seek an ongoing support group. Don't isolate yourself. Seek comfort in the friends and family who are still with you. Tell them they don't have to give you advice (indeed, people often feel pressured that they have to advise you, and they don't know what to say, which can just make things awkward), just hugs are enough and listening to you. 
13) Allow yourself to experience little pleasures in life that cheer you, whatever those might be. Don't feel guilty if you experience moments of joy and pleasure. It's okay.

You have me, too. I know what you are going through and you can write me any time, Lily.

I hope this helps.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear