Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse

Dear Papabear,

I am dealing with some problems at home, and I don't know what I should do without getting the people at my home in trouble. I have been in the furry fandom since I was 10, and I love fursuits! The thing is, I cannot express myself. I am too scared to. My dad jokes and makes fun of furries; my mom makes fun of therians and thinks therians are furries. I told my sister about my true thoughts (which I regret doing). I like metal, grunge, and alternative rock. I'm Goth; I am transgender; I like to watch "Murder Drones" and "The Amazing Digital Circus" (MURDER DRONES IS BETTER!!) ,and I am a furry.

I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to hide all this stuff from my parents. I have to do whatever she says so she won't tell on me. I hate that!! My dad and sister are verbally abusive, and I have been pretty mentally abused. The crazy thing is, I have also been physically/sexaually assaulted by my sister, who is currently 10! She touches me inappropriately all the time! I don't feel that safe around her....

I wish I could just be myself, you know? But I can't. I am in so much mental pain, and I don't know if I can deal with the pain. ( JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM TOO SCARED TO COMMIT SUICIDE.) I just wish I could leave this toxic family. My mom and dad want to keep me away from my overly supportive friends, who keep me going. Without them, I don't feel like I have a purpose. I am kinda like a guard dog, you know? I like to protect them and be mean and fierce, but I am also like the sweetest doggo on the planet!! But my mom and dad are trying to separate me from them, and that really hurts.

On this current day, I feel like I am NOT good enough. I feel like I ruin everything and that's true....

One time, the cops got called because my dad slapped me on the face and that was all. He was pretty mad after that.... EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!!! I hate this..... I honestly don't know if I can keep doing this.... I kinda hate myself and my life, you know? I just don't wanna talk to anyone about it.... I wish I could just be myself..... I wish I didn't have to deal with this.... I don't know what to do anymore..... Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to read this letter!! :)

*Hugs you*

Many thanks + hugs +
Bonez the skulldog (age 13)

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Dear Bonez,

Thank you for being so brave as to write and ask for help. Unfortunately, since you emailed Papabear using a school mail server, I cannot reply to you directly (schools block any incoming mail from unknown sources, which I explain on this website). So, it is my hope you will return to this website and see my reply online.

I would like to emphasize emphatically (and please forgive the caps) that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. I know you feel that way, but if there is anything I can do to make you feel better, that is the thing I must stress the most. 

With that said, it is very disturbing what you told me about your 10-year-old sister. That's messed up (again, NOT your fault). Truly, you have hit on an issue that, in all my 15 years writing this column, I have not been asked to address directly: child-on-child sexual abuse, which I will refer to as COCSA for the rest of this letter (and we'll get to your parents, too, don't worry). Not only are you a victim of child abuse, but you are also a victim of incest. This is quite traumatic. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN.org), COCSA has not been recognized very long and is thus not an official term for the problem, although it is a term commonly used in the psychology community. 

It must also be stressed here that COCSA is not the same as normal child sexual play (sometimes referred to as "playing doctor") in which children are just exploring and getting to know their anatomy. COCSA, on the contrary, involves forced sex, including inappropriate touching, penetration, and, in many cases, physical and emotional abuse involving pain and humiliation. These things are obviously not healthy in any way. Why do children like your sister initiate such abuse? More than likely, they have been abused themselves, and this usually comes from a family member. The resulting hurt and anger is then transferred from and projected to their victim--in this case, you. This means that something bad has also been happening to your sister, and she needs help as much as you do.

Victims of incest and COCSA suffer many of the same effects as other victims of sex crimes, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse, and suicide. (I'm glad to hear you do not intend suicide, although the thought has clearly crossed your mind.)

Bonez, helping you with this is a bit out of my capabilities, so I would like to suggest to you that you contact RAINN's free online help line. Just go to their site at RAINN.org and you'll see a Get Help Now yellow button at the top of the page. Click it and talk to a free counselor who can guide you on what to do. Tell them about your sister, too.

I strongly suspect that it is your father who is abusing your sister, who then abuses you. I suspect this because of their loud mockery of furries, and usually when people mock and attack others for their sexual leanings and behavior, it is a form of projection. That is, they project their own inappropriate or ugly sexual practices and desires onto others and then accuse those others of being bad people instead of recognizing it in themselves.

If you feel you are being abused--mentally or physically--in your household, there are some people you can contact for help: Child Welfare, Safety and Protection in Lincoln, NE, or, if you are in immediate danger, call 911. There is also RAINN, which has many resources for you.

Meanwhile, hold onto your identity as a furry, as trans, as Goth, and whatever else you relate to. And hold on to your friends, too! I'm glad you have some supportive friends! Don't let your family get between you and your pals. They're important.

Your dad slapping you in the face is not acceptable. Too bad the cops did nothing. Bonez, you are in a bad situation, it is true. Be careful. Do some research, especially through that RAINN site. If you feel it is safe to do so, you might also talk to an adult at your school.

​I'm sorry you are going through this, but, again, it is NOT your fault. I hope you will believe me when I say that. Your family is the problem.

I hope you see this post.

Take Care,
Papabear