​Hello,
 
I've always struggled with my identity as I am an African American teenager who has grown up in a military family. I've have always been struggling with my identity because I am black but I tend to have a more (what people call) a “white” personality. This isn't the only problem. My family and people I know say I have an “intimidating look.” I am 5’11”, and guess I could call myself pretty athletic. And added to all this I am black so nobody expects me to be into something like the furry fandom.

When I was 10 years (around 2009) I moved too Japan. Around that time, I discovered I liked looking at and drawing anthropomorphic animals. I never knew of the furry fandom at that time so it was just a little thing to me. It was like that for the next 3 years until we moved back to America. This pretty much ruined my social life as I had already established my life in Japan. 

We moved from Baltimore, to Rhode Island, then recently too California, all within 3 years due to my father being active military. I discovered the fandom when I first moved to Maryland. I slowly got into it and was started drawing and admiring artists through YouTube, DeviantArt, etc. But the thing is during this time between being in Baltimore and Rhode Island, my outside personality completely changed to conform with the people I hung around in school. And the people I hung around with was (yup, you guessed it!) the typical ghetto, suburban, rude teenagers. It was a struggle for me as I wanted to tell people about me being furry and share my art and make friends who liked furry art. I was actually lighthearted, nice person on the inside but yet I had this forced, rude outside personality that kept all that hidden. 

I recently moved to California as I said earlier and I decided to make this a fresh start, yet I still have this conflict inside and outside of me. Do you have any suggestions on how to make friends that have the same interest as me even though my conflicting personality and outside appearance gets in the way? 

Maximus
 
* * *
 
Dear Maximus,
 
It is indeed very difficult being the son of someone in the military who moves around a lot. Children are happier if they grow up with a sense of stability and home, which is hard to do when the average military family moves every three years (I’m just writing this for the benefit of my readers). One thing I would say about your particular experience is that you probably gained a lot of insight and knowledge about other cultures by living in Japan. That’s something that could benefit you and your view of the world.
 
As for looking muscular and athletic—yes, I understand how people get intimidated by that, sadly. People judge too much by appearance, whether it is someone who is attractive (he’s attractive, so he must be a pleasant person) or ugly (he’s ugly, so she’s a bad person) or whatever.  People see your muscles and that you’re black and think you’re a thug or some such. So sad. Obviously, you’re a sweetheart inside.
 
Now the trick is this: having the courage to show others who you truly are. You’ve conformed to the “ghetto” set because you wanted to be accepted and fit in (very human desire), and you are probably afraid to show your furry side because you could be rejected by your peers at school. For starters, since you are likely to move again and again, I would not be overly concerned about peers at school, unless some of them become actual friends and not just people you are trying to get to like you. Second, I would start slowly by first trying to make friends online. Fortunately, there are many places you can do this, and if you like I will send you some suggestions if you haven’t already located some good furry social groups. You could start with SoCal Furries (http://www.socalfurs.com/), since you’re in Oxnard, and, if you ever get the chance, try to go to the Prancing Skiltaire monthly furmeet that is held in Glendale (http://prancing.skiltaire.net/). Start talking to furries online, start posting your furry art, talk to fellow artists. When you locate some who start to click with you, then you might start to show them both your outside and inside through photos, cam chat, and the like.
 
You have to let your guard down. This is scary, I know. Very scary, but it’s clear you are not happy living a charade. You want to be who you really are, right? A nice guy who is into furry, likes to draw, likes to be physically fit, and happens to be black. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. And, you know what? You’ve discovered a community—furries—who are more accepting of differences than many other social groups. Here’s a cool article about how more and more African Americans are getting involved in the fandom (Anthrocon is an example): http://newpittsburghcourieronline.com/2013/07/10/more-african-americans-get-involved-in-anthrocon-every-year/.
 
Another thing that benefits you: many furries absolutely adore Japanese culture (especially anime, of course, and Japanese cartoons have had a very strong influence on the fandom--Kimba, the White Lion being of particular note), and you’ve experienced it first-paw! You can certainly find furries who share this interest with you, both in America and back in Japan.
 
Maximus, you don’t seem to know it, but you have stumbled into a community that might just be the ticket for your releasing the inner you: furries. I encourage you to get involved with them. I’m sure you’ll find some cool fuzzy friends.
 
Hope that helps.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Hello Papa Bear,
 
I am a fan that wrote to you a while back and it seems like I need help again...

Lately I've noticed a pretty toxic looking pattern in my behaviour. I'm not sure why but small things I don't understand tend to set me off and I need to rant to not be overwhelmed. On top of that I think I subconsciously seek conflict even though I hate it. I've never thought it was a huge problem because I could control it, until recently.

As you might or might not know, Daniel from the YouTube group Cyndago recently passed away due to suicide. I looked up information because I had been out of the loop, and found Cyndago has quit YouTube which confused me and kind of angered me because I saw no logic in the decision. I decided to post my opinion that they had no reason to quit on a website to hopefully get some clarification as to the reasoning behind it.

That ended up being a huge mistake.

Almost immediately I got a ton of backlash from fans for apparently being insensitive to death and mourning and one person called me (warning for harsh language) "either a [redacted] angsty teenager or disrespectful trash of a [redacted] human being" before telling me pretty angrily to "have some [redacted] human decency." 

What made it worse was that an account that was allegedly Ryan's (another Cyndago member) found my post and responded saying I thought it was all about me, which I never said but I still feel awful about that. I have Asperger’s which makes me have trouble empathizing and seeing social cues sometimes, so needless to say I was very upset and did not understand what I said wrong. It's just an opinion, right? I never said they had to stay, just that I didn’t think they should quit. (Though my post was poorly worded and sounded mad because I was tired.)

I have already issued an apology and explanation, though it seems people either ignored it, didn't see it, or hated me more for trying to apologize because I've gotten some more hate since. I feel like I've irreparably screwed up and would like some advice to keep this from happening again because I kind of hate myself now.

Sincerely,
Apparently A Bad Person
 
* * *
 
Dear Apparently,
 
You are not a bad person. For one thing, your Asperger’s could very likely have made it difficult for you to write a post that evoked the amount of sympathy that many people might expect. For another, who hasn’t written an email or post while angry or sad or under duress and then hit “send” or “post” before they should have? I know I’ve done this a couple times.
​
We all make fools of ourselves now and then. And you took the right steps to apologize for it, and if not everyone accepts that apology, then they just need to get over it.

In the future, my advice would be that whenever you feel like posting something that has a strong opinion in it, you first write it, then set it aside for a while (save it in Word or save the message as a draft). Go back to it a few hours (or even a day or two) later and reread it. Now that you have calmed down or thought about it, ask yourself, “Is this what I would write now? Is it well-reasoned? Is it polite?” If it is, go ahead and send it; if not, either rewrite it or don’t send it at all.

Don’t hate yourself. We all goof up sometimes. Learn from the goofs and move on.

Hugs,
Papabear

Third time! This time though, it's not as personal but a lot more complicated.

So I'm a big part of the Transformation/TF part of the fandom, a largely fetishized group with some very unique art. While I have yet to contribute, I have hit a small snag that bugs me. 

I knew this artist, we'll call them Carlos, who was a moderately decent artist with some glaring flaws and almost no following. He came across very abrasive and rash, which may have pushed people away. I got to know him and he was the same with me but seemed like a good guy. But then he dropped a major bomb.

There's another artist in the TF world, let's say she's...Joan. So I met Joan first and she is CRAZY popular, bursting onto the scene of TF by saying she needed money for a pet's surgery. Her fame skyrocketed with her clean art and tfs, albeit more on dA than FA. And it was through her, or him, that they revealed themselves to be the same person. 

So this mediocre male artist created an account to be a female artist with sympathy fans, and the same kinda mediocre anatomically incorrect art, but had done so in such a way to build up a massive following. Through this lie they amassed tons of fans and money, and nobody knows about this other than me. 

This female persona had a very specific niche for tf, let's say she only did Foxes. And she was very strict about doing anything not fox related, and having a list of fox species for people to pay and pick for their tf. But then for some reason, perhaps nobody else wanted foxes, she bails on this and accepts all animals out of the blue. For no reason other than more money. 

Then his normal male account posts a journal about getting tired of doing tf and I respond, saying that they might lose some fans if they drop tf altogether, but then they get all defensive at me, saying I'm the reason they quit skype, saying that dirty art is impure and filth among other things. The journal also insulted the furry community, calling it an emo ridden group of losers and just a horrible journal of horrible hate. It was so vile...he was dwelling on the clean days of tf but everything is dirty, nothing is ever 100% clean. It's not like it just started becoming naughty in the last 2 months.

Oddly, when we had chatted during skype and I expressed some disinterest in this person's affinity for chiptune and foxes, they freaked out at me. That may have been the downfall of our relationship.

Then, I blocked the male account because I was sick of being harassed by this liar and manipulator...but then I should check my messages a few hours later and find a note from the female account asking to talk things out. I ignored the note for a day cause I didn't wanna bother, but then when I decide maybe to give it a shot, guess what? She/He had blocked ME now! 

Here's what she sent me:

“So lets talk like actual adults before anonymity on the internet. Clearly you're upset, clearly I misspoke, a lot of it lacks context, and I think that lead to a lot of wacky insults and mudslinging.

“So if you'd like to actually hear why I feel the way I do, with details, instead of assuming I'm a run of the mill miserite troll scapegoating a community that does not deserve it. 

“And hey perhaps you could convince me otherwise but either way our last discussion was clearly some old salt in the wounds. Lets say we can heal like logical reasonable human beings?”

And so I can normally just block and remove a person from my life right? But this person works in the same vein of tf that I like and draw for, so every time I see their icon or name I just get knots in my stomach. I have a problem forgetting things and it's especially tough when I see their name everywhere. 

My final question is this; How can I move on and not be so bitter? Sure we both said some things, but the hastiness of the blocking and the inability to accept each other's opinions, but was it just a doomed friendship? Or is it just a moral sensor going off in my brain whenever I see the people she's/he's duped on their account praising this liar? Should I expose them? Clearly they won't leave the tf community when they have so much money coming in from selling out their ideals by taking other species, so I'm at a real crossroads.

Thanks a lot Papa!

From your favorite Malayan Civet (since I'm the only one in the fandom lol),
Cassidy~! (age 17)

* * *

Hi, Cassidy,

The Internet is such fertile ground for drama, isn’t it? And the online furry community is certainly no exception. Whenever I get a letter such as yours, Papabear listens to his gut, which always tells me one of two things: either there is more going on here than meets the eye, or I’m hungry. If I’m hungry, I eat, and then get back to the problem, which is this....

Carlos/Joan (hereafter CJ) has some serious issues going on with him/her. These are emotional and possibly psychological problems that you likely know nothing about. You only know what CJ posts and chats with you about, and that’s it. When something upsets CJ s/he lashes out and acts somewhat irrationally. Joan seems to be the slightly more rational side, while Carlos the more fiery, defensive, and angry side. CJ may be bipolar or have cyclothymia or bipolar disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Sufferers of these illnesses go from depressed states to high states to various degrees and frequencies depending on the type of problem. Another possibility is some form of autism, such as Asperger’s, which can cause someone to overreact or react inappropriately in social situations (and become hypersensitive to any kind of criticism). This would explain the reactions to comments about his/her TF work and about the TF art community in general.

One of the more difficult interactions in any community is to express empathy and to show compassion and support to someone you just met online who appears to be a mean person. It’s hard because you can’t usually tell if they are that way because they are troubled or if they are just mean by nature. What Papabear usually tries to do (not always because some people are so unbalanced that I just hope they see a doctor, but I can’t afford the time to deal with their many problems), is first assume that someone is that way because they are unhappy. Then, instead of criticizing them, I ask them if they need a shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear. I certainly would not criticize something like their artistic skills and, instead, would encourage their desire to draw and express themselves (a very healthy activity). Even if they are poor artists now, with encouragement, they could improve. (If people criticized me harshly for my piano playing, I would be sad and would stop trying, but they are encouraging me and that is why I am slowly improving).

I wouldn’t bother to “out” CJ as being duplicitous (and you’re probably incorrect in assuming you’re the only one who knows s/he has two online profiles). It’s not illegal and it’s really none of your business (are you jealous that Joan has seen some success because she is really Carlos? Perhaps Carlos is actually Joan? Who knows? Who cares?) Many artists get commissions, I’ve noticed, especially among furries, by pleading they need help financially for something. It’s a way of supporting people. Perhaps it’s a bit disingenuous, but it’s called feeling some sympathy toward others. I always look at it as a “there but for the Grace of God go I” phenomenon. What if I were not so lucky as to have a job and a home and a family? Wouldn’t I cry out for help, too? I would. I’d be asking you to buy my books, even if the books didn’t interest you or you thought they stank up the place.

I believe what you are experiencing with CJ is the cacophony of a cry for help. It can hurt the ears, indeed, but one way to alleviate it may be to give them a big hug, some tea and sympathy.

Hope that helps,

Papabear

Papabear,

Hello, I am 32 from Elmira, NY and I have been in the fandom for almost 20 years in one way or another.. recently I attended my first con which was Anthrocon, and since then I have been feeling lonely in the fandom. I think it might have been that I actually got to see how many furs are actually out there. anyways my town is medium in size and I have been trying to find other furs in my area but has come to nothing, I have tried all avenues I could think of putting a post on different local boards, Craigslist and the such. I have met other furs in surrounding areas online but with no way for me to get around there is really no way to actually get together with these furs. Anyways my question is, “Could you suggest any other way I might be able to reach out and find other ways to find furs in my area?”

A NY Fur (age 32)

* * *

Hi, NY,

I get this question quite a lot, actually: how does a furry connect with other furries when they live in an isolated berg with no one else around? I can sympathize a little bit in that there is only one other furry in my neck of the woods—the Coachella Valley—and I have to travel to Riverside or San Diego or Garden Grove to meet with furries. Helps to have a car, of course, and if you have no means of transportation you’re kind of screwed.

If there aren’t any close-by furries and you have no transportation to meet those farther away, and no one is willing to come to you, then the only remaining option (until someone invents a Star Trek transporter) is the virtual world. Have you tried SecondLife? Many furries are on SL and there are entire areas of SL devoted to furries as hang out places. SecondLife is still very popular with furries, although the enthusiasm seems to be dying down a bit, according to articles like this one. There are some other virtual games, such as InWorldz and OnVerse but I don’t really know much about them.

The next question is this: how necessary is it for you to stay in Small Isolated Town? If you have to stay there for financial reasons, then, again, you’re pretty much stuck. However, if moving is a possibility, and if it’s important for you to get social interaction with furries, then how about moving as an option? Sometimes, we get really set in our ways and it doesn’t even occur to us that we can get off our duffs and move to another city.

Good luck!

Papabear

Papabear,

As I have been seeing the last few years since my last con in July 2011 which was my latest interaction with furs. I tried rejoining the local fur group here and not knowing till maybe 1-3 months later I couldn't post on the SEFF [Southeast Florida Furs] FA page. OK, so I asked one of the heads about it and he said that there were some complaints from some furs, not saying who they were and what the complaints were about because they were "confidential." Since then I have only really known one fur locally from another fur group I was in since 1998. I try to hang out with him or plan something and all I get from him is, "I'm working that weekend/day/night." So my question is, "Is he avoiding me?" Now, about getting together with others on the other hand: What do you suggest?

Ace (age 32)

* * *

Dear Ace,

With any group dynamic, there is inevitably social politics, drama, cliques, and all that bogus crap you may have naively believed would end after high school but still continues with “adults” your age. I have experienced this in everything from business (departments fighting with each other), to nonprofits (favoritism and shunning at a certain zoo I once volunteered at), to the gay community (the infamous A vs. B list of gay men in pretty much any community, mostly having to do with how much money you earn, how you dress, and who you know—you know, the things that really matter to people who are shallow douchebags).

Once “rumors” or “whispers” behind your back start to develop in a group, whatever group that might be, you’re usually toast at that point. People will glomp onto the popular furs in a group, believing whatever they say just to not be rejected, and accept whatever they say negative about a particular person. That’s one possibility. There are other possibilities, but this is all speculation, since I don’t know everything about your situation.

If you have made the effort to mend fences only to be rejected, then what you can do is try to form your own furry group. Stop being a follower and joiner and, instead, become a leader in your area. Invite furries to your home, organize activities, etc. You might find that there are other furries in your area who have also felt rejected by the established group there and that would be happy to join you.

Create your own Facebook page and Meetup page and publicize the hell out of your new group. When people ask to join, be welcoming and friendly and helpful.  There is always a need for new furry groups; I am constantly hearing from furries like you who can’t find a group nearby or, sometimes, who don’t feel the local group is very welcoming (sad, but true).

Sometimes in life the only way to get what you want is to take charge yourself, make your own rules, and lead the pack instead of being an omega wolf.

Good luck!

Papabear

Dear Papa Bear,

I suppose I do have a rather silly question, but I am desperate for advice. So, my question is, How does one make friends? It's an idiotic question I know, but honestly I'm terrible at it. I've tried, I really have, but it just never works out. I probably come off as an idiot most of the time. I am sort of new to this, I've been in the online furry community for a couple of months and it's just hard to not have made any friends yet. But I'm equally awful at it in real life, too. I just wish I knew what I am doing wrong. I'm okay with talking to people, but I never get it passed that random 5 minute conversation and then it’s over. So, mainly, how do I get it passed that point? Sorry to waste your time with my question, I'm sure you have better ones than mine to get to. But I saw, I guess it was an ad, on FurAffinity.com and I thought I would give it a shot. Thank you for your time. I hope I was clear enough. I didn't want to bore you with a long letter, so I tried to keep it short. 

Galileo

* * *

Dear Galileo,

It’s not at all an idiotic question. If there are two main things that people want in life it is someone to love and friends to share their lives with. Most of the letters I receive are about one or the other.

Judging by your letter, I think I have an idea why you have such a hard time making friends: you lack self-confidence and self-respect. Your letter is filled with self-deprecation: you call yourself an idiot, you feel you’re wasting my time and that your question is silly and that you may be boring me. In short, you feel unworthy of friendship, don’t you, at some level?

If you came up to me at a furry party and behaved in this manner, I would probably lose interest, too. Things that attract people to other people are characteristics such as: having interesting things to say (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run away from people trying to talk to me online who have nothing to say and want me to carry the conversation because they are “bored”; if you are a boring person, you will be boring to others, too), being interested in other people and who they are and what they think (they have to meet you half way and actually have some thoughts in their noggins), being self-confident, knowing who you are, NOT being whiny or complaining all the time, being fun, having a good sense of humor, being compassionate and empathetic. Above all, do not act desperate (“Would you be my friend, please???” Eeek! A stalker!)

It’s great you have the courage to walk up to strangers at a social function and introduce yourself; that is the first hurdle, and many shy people don’t even get that far. But then you have to carry the conversation. Two things you will need for this: 1) have something to say (it helps a lot if you are well-read, well-rounded person with experiences to share); and 2) be interested in what others have to say and be curious about their lives, as well.

That is the second step. The third step is establishing a friendship, which means that once you get people interested in you as a person you need to spend time with them doing things you and they both enjoy. The more experiences you share, the more conversations you have, the more you will bond to the other person. Once a friendship starts to take hold, whether or not it will survive depends upon the character of the people involved.

As you know, there are a couple types of friends: fair-weather friends who only hang with you during the good times but quickly abandon you if you need their help for anything; user “friends” who only glomp onto you because they want something from you; and true-blue friends, who are the rarest of all. These are the people who love you for you and will be there for you when you need them, and who you will gladly help out in return. They are the friends who will walk up the side of Mt. Doom with you.

Lucky is that person who needs two paws to count all the true friends in his or her life; blessed is that person who also needs to count toes.

I hope these words of advice help steer you in the right direction.

Good luck!

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I'm having a problem which is leaving me feeling pretty down and depressed and I'm not sure what to do about it. Also just a warning this letter might be somewhat jumbled as I’m bad with words.

Basically, I’m lonely, not just for a relationship but for any form of social interaction in general. After high school I pretty much lost contact with all of my friends; my only one left is my best friend but with her job and her going to college we barely get to hang out. Honestly, most of my friends are online, but I've also been losing them as well. Over half the people on my Skype I barely see anymore.

I want to meet new people and make new friends and even maybe one day find that special someone, but I’m just not sure how to go about it. I am in every sense of the word .... a shut in. I don't like leaving my home that often. Usually, I only leave if its a necessity or if a friend invites me over, and with the latter barely being an option I don't go out and do things. I have only left my house once for a job interview in the past two months.

I've read some similar letters you've answered and I recall you recommending to go out and get hobbies etc., but I don't have any hobbies or interests that could get me out of my house. The only thing I could think of is a small fur meet that goes on in my town once a month, but I've been too nervous to go because 1) I have severe social anxiety; 2) I don't know how to approach anyone there since I wouldn't know anyone and I would be kinda embarrassed to just pop up out of nowhere.

Sorry if this letter was kind of unorganized and I hope answering this wont be too much trouble or a bother to you, and thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

From Ati

* * *

Hi, Ati,

The solution to your problem is to overcome your social anxiety. No social anxiety, no blockade against meeting people, and once you are able to meet people you will make friends, and once you make friends, your loneliness will be gone.

There’s a difference between just being shy and having social anxiety—it’s a difference of degree, really. People who are merely shy can generally function in society, though timidly, while those with debilitating social anxiety find that it profoundly affects their ability to have a normal life. If you are spending most of your life “shut in” your home it will make it hard, if not impossible, to hold down a job, go to school, or have friends and loved ones in your life. And it sounds like a problem that is growing worse for you, given your statement that you had friends in high school but now are becoming more and more disconnected.

Some people believe that the advent of the Internet and social networks can be the solution for social anxiety because you can interact safely through a keyboard or webcam. But, as you are discovering, this notion is fallacious. As you become more disengaged from life (you have no hobbies or interests because you are not interacting with the real world around you and, thus, become remote from it, intellectually and spiritually) you have less and less to talk about. People, quite frankly, will find you boring and uninteresting to interact with. This explains why you are losing friends and contacts.

Papabear is finding this an increasing problem in the furry world, and, likely, the rest of American society as well. I’ve lost count of how many text conversations I’ve had like this:

Furry: hi

Papabear: hello

Furry: how are you?

Papabear: I’m fine, thanks.

Furry: what are you doing?

Papabear: I’m working, how about you?

Furry: chillin

Papabear: Great. Did you want something?

Furry: just to chat

Papabear: Okay, what do you want to chat about?

Furry: I dunno

Papabear: Well, I better get back to work then

Furry: Don’t go I want to talk

Papabear: Sure, what about?

Furry: dunno

Papabear: (making an excuse) Oh, gtg, my boss is calling me. Bye!

If this sounds like you, then maybe you can see the problem. It’s not fun to talk to someone with nothing going on in his head. The way to do that is to get involved with your life, so here are some things you can do to overcome your anxiety:

• Start by getting yourself the self-help book Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler.  You can buy a used or Kindle copy for under ten bucks.
• If you can, find a therapist to help you.
• Social anxiety is based on your fears of what might happen should you interact with others, rather than what is actually happening. People suffering from this get freaked out because they believe people are constantly judging them. This is because you’re filling your head with negative thoughts of how people will see you. You therefore need to be aware of when you have these negative thoughts and, when you do, stop yourself and force your outlook into positive mode. For example, say you’re going to that interview, and the thought enters your head, “They won’t want me; I haven’t worked in a while and don’t have many skills....” Stop yourself right there and tell yourself, “I don’t know that. I can be a hard worker, and I’m willing to learn or do anything for this job, I’ll promise to do my best and look forward to working my way up the ladder!” Going to an interview with this outlook will give you a confident appearance which, I can tell you, is very appealing to a potential employer.
• Start working on slowly, very slowly, getting out of the house and meeting people. Try a one-on-one before you go to a furmeet, for example. Try inviting a local furry to your home to do something innocuous like play a video game. After a little of this, try a small gathering of 2-4 friends, and work your way up to things like meets and cons.
• Don’t get freaked out if you have a setback of some kind. Take a deep breath and get back on the horse and keep trying.

There is nothing more dull and isolating than being a hermit. Interacting with people is how you learn things, and when you learn stuff you gain an interest in this incredible world around you that is filled with fascinating, wondrous things to get excited about, and when that happens, you will have begun to live again, and part of living is finding friends and falling in love.

It’s all interconnected, Ati, but you have to take the first step.

Hugs,

Papabear

Hi, Papa Bear,

I happened to discover your column not to long ago by a happy accident. Sadly, I can't exactly recall how. If I remember correctly, I believe that I clicked on an advertisement. 

Anyhow, I'll start on why I'm writing to you. I am a 17 year old Furry who has been feeling particularly lonely in the fandom lately. I joined the fandom when I was 15 and have felt a growing since of lonesomeness ever since. 

This is most likely caused by my choice to keep my mother in the dark about the fandom. She is a very supportive, strong mother and incredibly loving. It's just that I have a fear that she'll do a quick Google (regular or images) search of "Furry" and find some of the unpleasant material that exists in the fandom rather than all the good things. Also, I attended a small, local anime convention not too long ago with some friends. My mother's reaction was one of confusion but she let me go anyway. So, I think that she would be even more confused by the whole Furry fandom. Thus, I've decided to wait until I'm in college to start attending any conventions or meet-ups. Because of this, I've only limited my interaction in the fandom to FA. I do have one close friend who I know from school that is a Furry as well. Sadly, she isn't into the Furry fandom as much as I am. I say this because she rarely goes on FA (as she's told me in the past) and almost ever posts anything. Don't get me wrong. I know that the fandom isn't exactly for everybody. It's just that I feel rather lonely.

FA may be my only connection to the Furry fandom, but it hasn't come without some issues. The closest that I've gotten to making a furfriend is when I comforted someone who's dog had just recently died. I didn’t expect anything to come out of it. I only saw someone hurting and decided to help. We had quite a conversation and he even followed me afterwards which surprised me. Also, on FA, every chance that I've taken to put myself out in the fandom hasn't exactly resulted in much. I've left as of now: 270 comments, since I joined FA from just under a year ago, on journals and art alike. However, I've only gotten a handful of responses, even to those in which I wrote lines upon lines of support and advice. I've also posted a few writing pieces (12) since my talents lean more towards writing rather than drawing. Sadly, for the most part, they've mostly gone unnoticed. The worst part about being on FA is seeing all of the other Furries who ARE participating in the fandom. I see the pictures of newly purchased fursuits, I find art that has at least twenty or more comments and I read journals upon journals of people discussing their upcoming trips with friends to whatever next convention is coming. 

I can't help but feel like an outcast sometimes by seeing all of these people and the happiness in the fandom. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true. I'm angry at myself for even being jealous of another human being's achievements and creations. But I can't help but compare everything that they have and the very little that I have. I'm constantly find myself in a fight between trying to keep trying to put myself out there and just quitting. I tell myself "Just wait until you go to a convention" or even "They'd like you if they just met you in person." But the truth is, that I don't know what to believe. All I know is that I feel alone. 

So my question is: what do you think that I should do? Should I keep waiting until I get to go to a convention some day? Should I continue to write and post comments on FA? I ask this because I don't know an answer. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. Sorry if I rambled in my letter. I'm just so melancholy right now. 

Thanks.

Anonymous (age 17, California)

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Dear Anonymous,

First thing that strikes me is that FurAffinity (FA) is not the only furry site out there by any means. I hope you don’t think that is the only place you can go for furry interactions? There are many many other sites, too many to list here, but among the others are SoFurry, Furry4Life, FurNation, Furtopia, FurryMuck, and the many groups on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter. So, just so you know there are other options.

Next, I think you’re overly concerned about your mom’s reaction. As you say, she is a loving and supportive and strong parent. I think that, instead of waiting for college, you should invite your mom to go to a furry convention with you. That is a super way of educating her and showing her it is not a Bacchanalia of perversion, but, rather, just like many other conventions, a fun place to gather and share interests with others. Now, you are in California, but you don’t say where exactly. If you are in southern California, you can attend Califur in Irvine (L.A. area) March 30-June 1. If you are in northern California, go to FurtherConfusion in San Jose in January.

I understand wanting to get some attention in the fandom. It’s not that you are an attention whore, so to speak, but you simply wish to gain a connection with other furries. No shame in that. I don’t know what you are posting, exactly, in terms of stories, comments, etc., so I can’t say if you are doing anything wrong, per se. The thing is, before you can expect to get reactions back, people need to know who you are. Don't put the cart before the horse. Try to join smaller interest groups on places like Facebook and Furry4Life where you can meet and become familiar with people who share your specific interests (e.g., mine would be things like bears, wildlife conservation, greymuzzles, and fursuiting). Then try to find furries close to you whom you can meet in person at furmeets. All these things will help you find and build friendships among the furry kith and kin.

I think you see where I am going with this. I’m thinking your problem might be that you are too generalized in your approach and you need to be more targeted. Also, you need some real-life exposure to the fandom. Remember, many furries are rather shy and slow to form friendships. You can’t just post comments on FA and expect to become the talk of the town. Have patience, and don’t give up on the fandom just yet!

Hugs,

Papabear

Hey PapaBear,

I have really enjoyed your advice columns they have let me think about other people' problems and how I would respond to them, and they have also helped me in some of my question area's. (Notably, the creative writer's one!) They really let me think and help me with some of my fandom-ish problems*. 

Now I'd like to leave my cards on the table.

I live in a small town, middle of nowhere, so I can't be drawn into a city-type environment, so maybe that affects me more than I think, but I feel at a loose disconnect with the fandom. I've done many thinks a beginner furry might do: I've built my own tail (best thing I've made out of art class, hehe), and I've written stories (sadly, not one of them are truly completed, drifted off them.) My cousin is also a furry, and I enjoy doing little fursona for my friends. I just have the problem of not really be able to connect to my thoughts (my cousin live a nice time away). I love to read a books, once I'm in it I just can't it it down. I consider myself a teacher pet (Ha Pun), but no one really thinks like I do, well, fandom related, I guess.

Sorry for trailing off a bit.

Thanks,

Failaria Talerum FT (age 15)

*Being accepted by the ones around me because I'm a furry.

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Hi, Failaria,

It sounds like you’re asking how to better connect to furries. Unfortunately, you don’t provide your location, so I can’t research your area to see if there are furry groups close to you or not. Yours is a pretty common problem that I have seen before: furries living in rural or other remote areas who have a hard time getting to furcons or furmeets. Also, since you are only 15, you can’t drive anywhere yourself—although if you could hook up with some nearby furries you might carpool somewhere.

While it is always preferred in social interactions to have real-life contact, in those situations where that is not possible we are fortunate enough to live in a technological age where we can connect online. I would recommend you search on Facebook for furries with your interests and see if you can make some friends there. Also, Furry4Life is great because they have interest groups all set up for you. For example, I belong to Greymuzzle, Bear, and Fursuiting groups on F4L. You say you made a tail and, I suppose, you might be interested in doing more than that? Join a fursuiting and fursuit makers groups, which would be a super way for you to get tips about making fursuits and accessories and making new friends.

But the king of furtual reality is Second Life. Yes, there are other virtual communities (InWorldz at http://inworldz.com/ is very similar, I understand), but I think SL is probably the best known and most popular virtual reality hang out for furries. Here, you can buy and customize furry avatars, go to furry clubs, even buy real estate and set up a business using the Linden Dollars currency. I used to hang out in SL a lot, but haven’t in years because my RL became so busy, but if you are desperately seeking some social connection with furries and have the time and a computer with a decent Internet connection, then Second Life might be just the thing for you.

Good luck!

Papabear