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Hello, Papabear!
Sorry for being secretive with some of my info, I'm an overly cautious otter. This isn't so much as a problem but more of asking for directions. I noticed fat furries are scarce and Google isn't a great help, I'm afraid. So, do you happen to know where fat furries can be found? (I'm a fat otter.) Similarly, I find it hard to find "greymuzzles"--both those who've been in the fandom since around the beginning and those who are at least in their 40s. In fact, you're the only person I know of, if you identify as a greymuzzle. ... Know what? I'll turn this into a "problem" I usually see you answer. Specifically, I am interested in dating fat furries and/or grey-muzzles (in the latter case, they needn't be fat furries themselves, just like fat furries), but want to keep it an online relationship/friendship for a long while. When I was searching, I found some forums and deduced that there are many young furries, and sadly, the usual discussion is about games, playing games together, watching movies, other hobby activities. I find these superficial because you cannot really get to know someone through the media they consume/games they play. Also, and this is only a very personal opinion, I find it difficult to identify with young furries because they are very immature. How do you view them? What trends have you observed running this website? I'd rather speak with someone who has the mindset of a member of the old furry fandom. Shelly Otter * * * Dear Shelly, There are many chubby furries and greymuzzles in the fandom. I guess you didn't know, but I run the Greymuzzles Facebook group which has nearly 1,900 members currently, all over 30 years (you're too young to join, sadly, sorry). There are also several fat furry fan pages on Facebook. One way to meet mature furries, if you can't find a group you like on a social media site (try Furry Amino, too), is to contact the artists who draw stuff you like and start chatting with them. Many, though not all, of course, who draw fat or older furs are also chubby or older, or they know furries who fit that mold and maybe could connect you. This way, you could start networking and create a circle of friends. And don't forget you have the power to start your own social group anywhere online and start inviting people to join it. I understand both your interests, actually. I, too, am attracted to hefty furries, and I, too, enjoy conversations with older furries who want to talk about things other than video games or having sex. How do I feel about younger furries? Well, gotta remember that I was a young guy once, too, and enjoyed games and, well, I guess the sex thing is still on the table LOL. But, seriously, I'm fine with furries of all ages, and many of them are bright, talented, and have diverse interests. I enjoy chatting with greymuzzles simply because we have more in common, having grown up with similar experiences, and, sadly, I don't keep up with a lot of the new music artists out there (although it seems to me that the best new music is found online by independent artists and not produced by big record companies—just an observation). Because the fandom is getting older (the modern fandom has been around for half a century now), we are now seeing second- and third-generation furries. The Old Guard, as I call them, and even 2Gen furries often grouse about the younger furries who are slowly changing the fandom. Long gone are the days of APA publications and things like fursuit etiquette are falling by the wayside, which disturbs a lot of the older fans. What we all need to realize is that things change, and as the fandom grows from a few dozen fans of anthro cartoons into tens of thousands of people worldwide, it has become a very different animal. The thing to remember is that we are all just here to have some creative fun. Instead of finding things that divide us into subgroups and cliques, we should celebrate and enjoy our commonalities, which, in our case, is the love of anthropomorphic characters. So, even though we might have preferences, we should not dismiss the chance to make new friends with people who don't necessarily fall into our desired specs because we might actually learn new things from them, which, in turn, will make us more open-minded and interesting people ourselves. As for your comment that you can't get to know someone by the games they play--in reality, the games people play say a lot about them. You might not get a lot of personal details, but there is a big difference between someone who is obsessed with first-person-shooter games versus someone who plays Words with Friends and Candy Crush Saga; similarly, someone who is obsessed with World of Warcraft of Dungeons & Dragons is probably a lot more interesting than someone who only plays Angry Birds (not dissing Angry Birds, it's fun, but you get what I'm saying, hopefully). Massively Multiplayer Online Games, as you likely know, include forums and audio and you can interact with a lot of people there. I used to play around with Second Life a lot, meeting a number of furries. In fact, the whole idea of fursonas grew out of online role play, making such games an important part of furry history and culture. I've nattered on too long. The point is, really, not to allow ourselves to stereotype entire groups of people. Not all young furs (you're an example) are into gaming, you just have to spend a bit more time looking. And there are plenty of older, chub furries out there. You might try some furry dating sites such as FurryMate or Ferzu (Pounced is, sadly, no more), and just put yourself out there, explaining what you're looking for. With a little tenacity, you'll find it. Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I don’t know if this is going to end with a question, or if this is just an update on my last letter. I wrote to you before about being in a relationship waiting to hear three life changing words. Well, we made it a year and four months together. The best year of my life. But before I talk about how things ended, I would like to indulge in a bit of reminiscing. From hugs that we both lingered, to kissing him in the spur of the moment, saying goodbye for the first time and being surprised when he kissed me back. We talked everyday, sharing our lives and our troubles. We supported each other from afar, and made each other laugh. I remember us having fun little spats over who wanted to pay for the other more at dinners. We danced together, and the world just fell away; we slept together, and I felt so at home when he started snoring. He came to my house-warming party, where we ended up watching shooting stars just the two of us talking about life and each other. He came to see me whenever he could, and I would teach him little helpful things I picked up when I could. For our anniversary, I gave him little knick knacks from as many countries as I could find. I told him, “I wanted to give you the world, but only so much of it would fit in the bag.” I even found my old “Hit Clip,” the little music player that was the center of conversation of our first date. He gave me all of my favorites: hot chocolate, sweets, a new mug for my collection, and a lion to cuddle when he wasn’t around. My Honeylion. Every step of the way, he knew how much I loved him, and he saw how my love for him grew and grew. But every chance he got he told me it was okay. I saw his actions, and I could tell he was trying to feel the same love I had for him. Even the little moments. In his sleep he would reach up for my hand to hold. I would wait as long as it took. But on May 31 everything came to a head. Several days preceding that, he would seem standoffish to my affection, which wasn’t usual. He would ignore any mention of my names for him, and he wouldn’t reply to messages that seemed too sappy or emotional. He had made mention of needing to talk to me about something, but he never went much deeper until I pulled at the curtain. He said that he still couldn’t develop feelings, and that he never meant to give me false hope that he would. That he only called me Hon and Sweetie because that’s a thing he and his friends do (not that I ever saw with the friends of his I met). He tried to convince me that all of his actions were from a place of friendship and nothing more. But I can’t believe for a second there wasn’t love there. I felt the spark every time I held his hand. He just wanted to nix the relationship and stay friends, to be there for me like family. For me everything started to fall apart. Every memory threatened to tear itself apart. What was real, anymore? What was his intention, and what did I make up? Or was he just lying to me to push me away? When he said "no" to my plea for staying together, I heard every past relationship echo words of not being enough, not being the right fit, and about being a mistake. That I’m the idiot who can’t do anything right; that I lied to myself for a year. The best year of my life was over, just like that. What was the point? I guess I tried to “move on,” but that didn’t do me any good. Everything reminded me of him, every song on the radio, jokes friends told, every smile reminded me of who I wanted to share them with. I had dreams of marrying him, having kids, and growing old together. I would sacrifice anything for him to come back one day. The unbearable silence drove me back to ask him one last time to give US one last chance, that I would always love him if he ever wanted to try again. He treated talking to me like a problem that needed to be solved, but told me I had done nothing wrong. He appreciated how honest I was through it all, but he told me that if I persisted any further he would cut me out of his life. Even if it was another "no," I needed to clear up some of the last communication problems we had. I didn’t want to end on as bad a note. We parted with him saying that he had already moved on and wanted to try things with someone else. He begged me to stay friends. All I could say is that all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. And as much as it hurt me to say, if someone else could make him happy he should pursue that path. As much as he wanted to stay friends, I couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing him with someone else. Him saying “I Love you” to someone else…. I hate it more than anything, but I would rather suffer if it meant that he could be happy. Despite the pain, loving him was the best thing to have ever happened to me. And I still do. I know it would hurt less if I could get him out of my head and out of my heart. But his memory won’t leave. I just see his smiling face stabbing me in the heart. I just nod and say it’ll be okay. If I had a question to ask, it might be "What should I do now/" But I hear enough of that from the few who I have told about the breakup. I just want to end it. I wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow. What I do care about is all the people my death would affect. In a way, they are what’s keeping me going. But that doesn’t fix the glass that’s rattling around on the inside of my chest. The funny thing is that even with all of those broken pieces, I still love my Honeylion, and I would take him back in a second if he chose to try again. Thank you, Papabear, for everything. I guess this was one marathon I couldn’t finish. Sincerely, Rillee Satranack * * * Dear Rillee, What a beautiful, heartfelt letter! As I read of your time together with HL (I'll use this abbreviation for convenience's sake), I could literally feel the love you had/have for him, and I'm very sorry to hear that he could not return that love. Although I feel sad that you have lost him, I feel even sadder for HL, a person who had love--real love--and threw it away. Maybe, one day, he will open his eyes and regret that. Two of the most stressful events in life one can experience are the death of a loved one or the divorce from a loved one; a breakup like yours is pretty much tantamount to the latter, even though it lasted a little over a year. Just because it was fairly brief doesn't mean the pain is not just as tremendous. Neither I nor you, apparently, can understand exactly why HL broke up with you except to say, as you imply, he just didn't love you as much as you loved him. You will find in this life that some people are capable of loving more profoundly and more deeply than others. To my mind, this is a matter of being more spiritually evolved and connected to the universe when your heart is full of love. That is a blessing for you, but also it can be a source of pain because people who feel love more intensely also feel grief more painfully. In this way, you and I are alike. Such pain can be paralyzing, but please do not inflate it to the point where you seriously consider suicide. It sounds like you are, thankfully, considering how such an act would hurt others in your life, and I hope that prevents you from acting further on that impulse. But if the thought occurs again, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. OK, so suicide is definitely off the table, right? But you still need help looking to the future. How do you deal with this pain? Well, for one thing, we can consider Shakespeare's famous quote: "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." This is very true. There are people on this planet who, unlike you, have never found someone to love in their life, not even for a year or even a few days. It is tragic to say that some people will never get to feel what you did with someone they care about with all their heart. Even though HL has withdrawn from your life, one thing he can't take away from you is the sixteen months you had together. The dinners you shared, the cuddles, the sleeping together, those are now all ingrained in you, they are a part of you. They are a treasure in your heart that you will never lose, and that is a great gift he has given you even if he never says those three little words to you again. My answer to your question "What do I do now?" is, therefore, a two-parter: first, you keep the memory of those sixteen months alive in your heart for all time; secondly, you don't let what happened at the end with HL turn you off the possibility of love in the future. Someone out there, someday, will be extremely lucky if you give them your heart again and show them how love is not a limited resource but, rather, it is an infinite one. You, my furiend, have a huge heart, and if you share it with others you will find happiness again. Promise. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I'm in a relationship, it's pretty normal with a few bumps here and there, but there's one thing I can't stand that my mate does. He constantly blames me for what is going on. Something broke? I'm the one to blame. Today her Amazon tablet broke. First thing she does is turn to me and says, "is there something you want to tell me?" I look at her confused af until she tells me it's broke. The thing is I don't touch it ever, unless she falls asleep with it on I turn it off to save batteries. It was working perfectly this morning, and she doesn't even connect it to the power surge and outage this afternoon. No it's me, I'm the one that always gets the blame! It's getting old but I love her. What am I to do? Kreed * * * Dear Kreed, Obviously, there is more going on here than just what is in your letter. Something is bothering your mate, and you will only get to the bottom of it if you have a sit-down discussion. She might not even realize what she is doing. So, the first thing to say is, "Do you realize that every time something goes wrong your first reaction is to blame me for it?" Next is to acknowledge that you are not perfect and you might have done some things wrong, but not everything. One possibility with her is that when she was younger her parents always blamed her for things going wrong, so now she has inherited that habit and is passing it on to you (lucky you). Telling her what she is doing could wake her up to the fact. Best case scenario is she says something like, "Oh, wow, I didn't realize I was doing that to you. I'm sorry! I will try not to do that." Next time it happens and every time after that, stop her in her tracks, as in: "Okay, stop right there for a second. First, tell me what is wrong and then let's figure out how to fix the problem rather than pointing fingers at each other." If you did do something wrong, apologize and try to fix it, but if you didn't, don't accept blame for it. You are a team and you should be solving problems together. She needs to acknowledge that she is not perfect either, and if she screws up then let her know you are there to support her and help her with any problem and without judging her. Communication, as they say, is key. Don't let resentment build and don't just respond with anger. This bad habit of hers might be just that: habit. And habits can be broken. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
What' the best furry dating site? Also I'm gay so you know. Things and stuff. Sorry if this is a bit too mature for the site. Skylar Husk * * * Dear Skylar, I honestly cannot say, since I have never used a furry dating site. My advice on finding love? Keep all options open, don't be too picky, but don't be too desperate, either. It's a tricky situation. You increase your chances of love, though, the more you interact with other people. Online can be helpful (I met my last husband that way) but also try to meet people in person (which is how I met my current fiance). Good luck! Papabear Hello Papabear,
I am at a loss on what to do. My mate has been very secretive lately, and I know why: he’s been on these apps like Scruff, Grindr, Growlr. And he says he’s single. Now I don't mind if he were to looking for friends. As far as I know, our relationship is not open. He tells me he loves me all the time. I just know he's been doing this for some time, even hooking up with other people. How can I approach him about this without him getting too upset? AlusterWolf * * * Dear Aluster, Any long-lasting, healthy relationship is based upon honesty (I don't think I have to tell you that). It is fine if both partners want a monogamous relationship or if both partners want an open relationship. It is even fine if one partner is monogamous and the other polygamous PROVIDED that both parties agree this is the way it is going to be. Secretive behavior is a warning sign. Lying behavior is a warning sign. Since you know that his profile is a lie and he is saying he is single, the logical conclusion is that he is hooking up with other people without telling you. This is not acceptable. If he were just looking for friends, he would say "partnered" in his profile or "partnered but open." For the sake of your own sanity, you need to talk this out. You said you thought you were in a monogamous relationship, so you are the one being betrayed. When you approach him and tell him you know what he is doing, you should not be worried about upsetting him. Good grief, you are the one who he should be worried will be upset! Are you worried that if you upset him he is going to leave? Would you want him to stay even though he is having sex with others behind your back? If you want him to stay no matter what, then probably the best course is to not confront him at all and live a lie. But if you want the relationship to be honest and he can't handle that, then good riddance to him is what I say. The third possibility is that you are honest with him, he will repent, and then he will be faithful after that. But, honestly, do you really believe that's what will happen? More likely, he will either deny he is misbehaving (even in the face of evidence, which he might say "was just a mistake") or he will give you a bunch of lame excuses and try to push the blame on you for his own behavior. Again, unacceptable. Bottom line is this: your hesitation about confronting him is the result of your fear of facing change because the most likely change will be that this will mark the end of the relationship and you'll have to start all over again. It isn't at all that you are afraid of hurting his feelings. Now that all the options and possibilities are laid out in the open for you, it is your choice. What will you do? Papabear Papabear,
This year has been very upsetting. I have had my trust in others seriously tested. It had been waning in fact since my school years but this year was arguably the most upsetting I've experienced so far where I felt betrayed, lied to and finding someone I once respected was in fact an awful person with genuine evidence backing it up. This situation started around my school years when I was naive and young, yet to have my innocence ripped away. I was young and wanted to make friends with everyone. As I've written before, I had my trust in others severed when I was bullied behind my back in primary school. It continued into my high school years and it was deeply upsetting. Now into this year, there was a furry I once respected and was once liked by the fandom. Kero the Wolf would be his name. I've blocked him on Twitter over his lies of being hacked and finding out the horrific chats and legit videos doing the act of sexually harming his own dog to death. Regardless of the fact he was in a zoosadism group, he lied to the entire fandom and me and I felt a horrible feeling of betrayal. I was devastated that he lied to me and did those horrible acts. He's a YouTube furry who reached 100 thousand subscribers on his channel after appearing on Shane Dawson's channel. Kero claims to be a wildlife advocate but what he did sickens me. He's since blamed the fandom for his own horrific acts and acts like the victim on his YouTube channel. I hate what he did. But that's not even the worst of it. His betrayal has left me paranoid and scared of anyone in the fandom. I'm so scared that I could unknowingly be supporting a popular furry who might be hurting people/animals and I would have have no idea they did anything. It's horrible to think that way but I'm just so scared and upset. I certainly didn't know of what he did when I initially defended him against what I thought were slanderous claims against Kero who I once respected at the time. Plus, anyone can fake evidence nowadays. It's disturbingly easy to do and ruin someone's life. I know I wasn't aware of anything he did before finding out and being disgusted/horrified. Defending him makes me sound complicit but frankly, I'm angry at him for doing those horrible things that goes against what I stand for as a furry and essentially treating me like I'm nothing. Most furries care about animals. They like animals so why would they want to hurt them, especially in such a cruel way? In fact, the #MeToo scandal ruined whatever respect I once had since I was a kid for so many talented celebrities (too many to count) who once inspired me and it made me feel like it was pointless to even be a mere supporter of those kind of people. The fact many of them exploited people sexually and used their talent to hurt others disgusts me. Then back in 2015, my parents separated without even telling me beforehand. I still don't completely trust them even though they say they love and care about me. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm rather upset and genuinely scared of who I can look up to or be a mere supporter of. I'm not saying the furries I like have done anything wrong but I don't want to look complicit in anything. I'm so concerned and stressed about all this. I just like supporting others because I believe in being genuinely kind to others and treating them well. I wanna be a good friend that looks out for them. Sorry for the long letter. I just wanna ask. Is it okay to be supportive of someone or should I just not bother? I'm very upset that so many people unknowingly left me feeling betrayed and hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm a ball of anxiety. Scared to offend anyone and I certainly don't wanna hurt any animal or person. This whole situation has nearly made me fall into despair. I'm honestly about to cry. I'm an emotionally broken dog. I feel so stupid for ever supporting people and not knowing about what they did. It makes me seem complicit anyway. Why even bother? -Sam the dog * * * Hi, Sam, Yes, there has been considerable online chatter about Kero lately. I get where you are coming from that what he did is a big letdown. We often set up heroes in our lives, people we admire, and when they do something awful, we feel betrayed. I've felt that a couple times. For example, I was a big fan of Bill Cosby for the longest time. I loved his "Fat Albert" show as a kid, loved "The Cosby Show," and appreciated his outspokenness about the importance of education, especially for young black people. When I learned about his drugging and raping of women, it felt, indeed, like a betrayal, not just to me, of course, but to all the black people he was a role model for. The same thing for O. J. Simpson. He was my favorite player when I was a kid (him and Joe Namath). Some people might believe he is innocent of murder, but I think the trial was a farce and he was guilty and not "some Mexican guy." John Lasseter, the man behind so many movies I adore, has been accused of multiple sexual offenses. Charlie Rose, a man I always respected as an excellent journalist, was fired for sexual misconduct, too. I used to think Roseanne Barr was cool. Then, of course, there's Bill Clinton, and John F. Kennedy was a noted philanderer. On the other hand, there are some heroes of mine I feel have been unjustly accused, including George Takei and Neil deGrasse Tyson. I feel the charges against Al Franken were blown out of proportion to get him ousted from Congress. The thing is, these people were not my family or personal friends; they don't even know me, so their moral failures were not a betrayal to me (or a reflection of me) but to themselves and their community. The same goes for Kero. You shouldn't take it personally. Indeed, just as with your parents' divorce, it actually isn't about you. And you shouldn't feel guilty about trying to defend Kero, because once you learned the truth, you withdrew that support. You did the right thing. The gist of your question is this: "Whom can I trust without fear of looking like a fool or like someone who is complicit in immoral behavior if it comes to light that they are a bad person?" The answer, really, is that you really can't, because all people are imperfect. The good news is that not everyone will let you down the way Kero did for you and many others in the fandom. So, if you can't be 100% certain that people won't let you down, should you flee from the world, hide in a cave, and never trust anyone again? Absolutely not. Look, there are two kinds of people in your life: there are those who are close to you who are friends and family, and then there are people we hear about in the news such as celebrities, athletes, and politicians. When it comes to the former, people you love, what you do is love them, even if, on occasion, they might let you down a bit. Usually, they don't mean to, and with a little work, you can reconcile your relationship (which is what you need to do with your parents; talk to them about how you feel). When it comes to celebrities and other famous people, you can admire them for the good things they do that caused you to like them in the first place while acknowledging and not supporting any bad things they do. It doesn't make you a bad person that you supported good deeds. For example, it doesn't make me a bad person for believing that Bill Clinton did a lot of good stuff for this country because I also acknowledge that he often thought too much with his penis. I will go even farther--and probably shock some people--when I say that I feel President Richard Nixon did some good things for the country (space program, relations with China), and that I feel Watergate was a result of his suffering from the mental disorder of severe paranoia. I'll even say that Trump has done a couple good things, although he is 98% bad and completely immoral, which is why I never supported him. However, I do understand how some people were misled by Trump into believing they should vote for him. Of those people, there are some smart enough to admit they made a mistake and who have withdrawn their support for the Orange One, while others continue to be blinded by hate, fear, and prejudice. Of these people, I feel the former were just foolish and ignorant, while the latter are, well, stupid and hateful. Making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person. If you continued to support Kero, I would say, yeah, there's something amiss with you, but you haven't done that. You're okay. In summary, support the good acts that you see people doing; condemn the acts you know to be immoral (such as animal abuse, sexual assault). Your own character will be measured by what you do and not by what you say (talk is cheap--truer words have never been spoken). Your character will be measured by the evidence that you live by moral convictions not by which celebrities or popufurs you once felt were cool. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have a question that I’m a bit worried about. To give context I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for about a year. Her name’s Sadie; she’s a tomboy, and she used to bully me. Now the issue I’m having deals with this lesbian chick refusing to see that my gf is in a relationship with me. So this chick became infatuated with Sadie like 2-3 years ago, but Sadie is straight and thus will most likely never go out with a girl. In spite of that, Lesbian Chick has constantly tried to convince Sadie that she can’t be straight because of the manly interests that she has and also has told her that she only thinks she likes dudes and will “go full lesbo once you get a taste of that cunt.” She even tried to convince me that I should break up with Sadie cause I was bullied by her because apparently this abusive girl wouldn’t abuse her, too. I don’t know how to get rid of this chick cause she’s a classmate of me and my gf. I haven’t said anything for fear I will be branded a homophobe, but I’m really worried Lesbian Chick might do something to Sadie if I don’t do something. Thank you in advance. Sincerely, Davis (age 15) * * * Dear Davis, Interesting. I'd like to start off by noting that your referring to this other girl as "lesbian chick" is highly disrespectful. Similarly, her saying that your girlfriend will “go full lesbo once you get a taste of that cunt” is obnoxious and boorish. Next, I would point out the error of this other young woman's belief that having "manly interests" makes you a lesbian. What, a straight woman can't enjoy construction work or sports or cars? What utter nonsense. I know women who adore sports and cars and so on and are completely turned on by men. So, how about both of you put your preconceptions and unflattering labels aside and let's just look at the relationships here. I'd be interested in learning how Sadie went from picking on you to being your girlfriend :-) But that's neither here nor there. The point is that she is now your girlfriend, and the other girl's nosing in on your relationship is inappropriate to say the least. Sadie is aware this is happening, you've said. Have you talked to her about it directly? I would say that she is the one who needs to do something just as much or more than you. If I were you, I would get together with Sadie, go over the situation, and discuss what you both think should be done. In other words, when you are in a relationship, Davis, it is a partnership in which important matters should be communicated and a joint decision made, not a unilateral one with you being the action-taker. The good news is that two voices are better than one. Talk to Sadie. Then both of you talk to the other girl and make it very clear to her that her desire to break you up isn't going to happen and she needs to back off. Take Care, Papabear Hello Papa Bear,
I had written you a while back, I was the gay pup in a relationship with a woman. I have an update, after revealing to her things that I had been keeping pent up, we are split up. She unleashed hell on me and I know I fully deserve it for wasting the past 6 years. I can't help but feel utterly heartbroken at this, because I do love her as a friend, but I can't even be that any more. I am awaiting her decision on if she's going to throw me to the streets or let me get my affairs in order and try to find a place to live. My question is, is there hope for me? She blamed my mental illnesses for my lies and deceptions. I mean it's true I have a few that make relationships a bit extra work. I'm rather unsure what to do or where to go from here. Like I said I lost a good friend. Kreedance * * * Dear Kreedance, I'm sorry for your upset, but you did what had to be done, so I am proud of you for that. I wouldn't place blame on any "mental illnesses," whatever that may be, but rather on the facts that you told me previously, which were that you really liked this woman and didn't want to hurt her, which is why you delayed telling her. That would make anyone hesitate. I went through the exact same thing in spades. I married a wonderful woman in 1988 (at the time, I thought I was straight). I had been married to her going on 20 years when I figured out I was actually gay (long story for another letter). I held on to that secret for over three years because I didn't want to hurt her and because I cared about her. Finally, in a burst of emotion, I couldn't hold it in anymore and confessed to her. Long story short, we got divorced. Here's the thing, though. At one point, she asked aloud if all those years had been a waste of time. No, I answered (and she later agreed). We had some wonderful times together and wonderful memories, and we both grew as people with one another's help. Therefore, they most definitely were not a waste of time, and I am forever grateful for the time we had together. We're friends now; last time I was in her area, we went out to dinner, we visited her mother, and as we parted, she said, "I really did enjoy being married to you." I teared up, I must confess. I enjoyed it, too. I used to think that people never change, but they do. With luck, it is for the better. After the initial pain of this separation you are both undergoing, try, if you can, to not let it be the end of a friendship. Try to not lay blame on one another. That will only cause hurt; it's not helpful nor is it constructive. Instead, merely acknowledge that things didn't work out but that you are grateful for the time and love that was shared. You may not necessarily have "lost a good friend." Don't give up on her just yet. And don't blame yourself for any mistakes--real or perceived--you may have done. No one is perfect. Love can take many forms. The love in this case might not be the type for a marital relationship, but it could be one for a beautiful friendship. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 9 months. He is a furry but I'm not. In the beginning it was all engines revving, but lately things in the bedroom have become rather slow/nonexistent. I have tried to talk to him about this but unfortunately it has not helped. What advice do you have? Do you know anything that really gets a furry hot under the collar? Many thanks Anonymous * * * Dear John, Everyone is different concerning their sexual desires and needs. Just because he's a furry doesn't mean all furries want the same thing--not by any stretch of the imagination! What you clearly need to do is have a frank discussion about what both his and your needs are. If he won't talk to you about them, then that is a very serious blockade against your making any progress. So, first thing's first. You need to get him to open up. Here are some strategies provided by an article in Psychology Today:
Once you get him to open up and find out what his needs are, then you can start trying to fulfill those needs. Remember, though, that your needs are also important. There should be an equal give and take in any relationship that includes a sexual component. Hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Let me start off by saying this weighs heavily on me, and has for a time. When I was 17 I came out as gay, and through the next couple of years after growing up with my sexuality I started leaning more towards bi, with a strong preference for men. In 2012 I met my current girlfriend, we met on pounced and had the best conversations. We were, and still are, best friends. But the problem is me still struggling with my sexuality. I guess the way to explain it is I have a strong sexual/romantic attraction to men, while its mostly a romantic attraction to women. So now my sex life has dwindled to nothing, and I find myself resenting even getting into this relationship in the first place. Which is completely unfair to my mate, but I stay with her either out of being scared of being alone or for the fact I cling to some small hope I can fix it/change myself. It's worth putting in that we have an open relationship, but when I brought up that I would like to start seeing guys she shot the idea down saying that it was selfish of me to want to date men while our sex life together is near dead. And I completely agree with her that it was selfish for me to consider it. But I might need the help of a little blue pill with her, or even men for that matter, due to my problems. I'm sorry for spilling that on you and I'm not even sure how to formulate a question out of this, except what do you think I should do? She is a dear and beloved friend, but the problem is that she feels more like a friend than a mate. And that's my fault, since the sex died with my arrousal issues, I put her in the friend category Kreed (age 29) * * * Dear Kreed, News flash: if she is telling you that you can't see people then you are not in an open relationship. Not sure what her definition of "open relationship" is, but that ain't it. Therefore, you are in a monogamous relationship with a woman and you are not sexually attracted to women, only romantically so. The second thing you have incorrect is that you need "fixing." There is nothing wrong with you and you don't need to fix anything. You are sexually attracted to men and that is how you are. VERY unlikely that will change at the age of 29 and beyond. Finally, you are guilting yourself into staying in this relationship because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Wrong again. You are doing your friend a disservice by giving her false hope that you can force yourself to have sex with her, perhaps even resorting to pills. At the same time, this is causing resentment to build inside you. The longer you keep it inside, the more likely it is that it will explode in a hurtful way to both of you. Not healthy. It is NOT your fault that you don't want sex with her. What IS your fault is that you are continuing to lead her on in a relationship that is almost certainly going to end in disappointment for you both. This is a wake-up call for you, Kreed. Take out the garbage that is this guilt of yours and show her that you respect her and care enough about her enough to tell her the truth that a romantic relationship that includes sex is off the table. What you need to do is recognize that this can be a wonderful friendship, but that it ends there. This is not a bad thing. Great friendships are to be cherished, but the longer you string her along, the more resentment will build, and the more likely it is you won't even be friends anymore, and you don't want to lose that, do you? Tell her the truth of how you feel and do whatever you can to preserve your friendship. Now would be a good time. Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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