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Hello again.
Short time, eh? The reason I write back so fast is that I need to express something with words before I get a chance to do it with actions. (This will be garbled, but I hope you can make sense of it. Because I can't.) Since I was 4 years old, I have been bullied and abused by almost everyone, kids, even the staff at my daycare when I was of that age, and I feel it has left a significant psychological scar inside me. It quite literally drives me mad. Sometimes, this can lead to feelings of a suicidal nature. You see, I suffer from serious mood swings, ones that last for hours and hours at a time and are triggered by the smallest of problems. I'm talking getting told off by someone for a minor thing, like forgetting something I was supposed to bring home from school. They are simple things, things I should be able to do, but when I cant and I make a mistake, it feels like I've failed as a human being. When my mother does have a go at me for these things, which she had a right to, I have a fear of defending my corner, I feel that no matter what is wrong, there is no excuse and I should never have made a mistake. I'm just a useless fucking human. I don't know if I became bi-polar or something as a result of my earlier abuse but I think it had a good deal to do with it. At the lowest, I become self-destructive, fantasizing about the destruction of myself and others. I feel like I am useless and worthless, like I won't even contribute to society or be worth of the time and money people put into my existence. These feelings can be brought on by myself. I have found a long time ago I could drive myself into a weird form of madness, which I ceased to do again, however I know it is possible. I also think there is another reason that contributes to this. I lost my faith in religion at a very young age after being shouted at by the vicar's assistant for daring to shake her hand during one of the ceremonies my church did (British church services are ruthlessly strict). It is for this reason that I don't want to seek Religion for help, I have the power of life and death in my hands (at least that of myself), where is the Bible going to work in that? I do have something though which I can call a "religion". It goes by the idea of three idols of mine, hero's to those who don't wish to use biblical terms. It has "White Fang" from the Jack London novel as the kind of main... god... person, who attempts to use a combination of karma and fate to help, but I know he cant help everything. The second one of these is "Wile E Coyote" who I idolize for his resilience, something I dearly need regularly in life. The last of these is "Tech E Coyote". He has a more... sexual role, which I will not go into as it makes little difference. Your thinking "That's just stupid!" That's because it is. My mind is dumb enough to believe it, so I simply re-cycle it in my head and it retains some sanity. So when it comes to death and the afterlife, I go by the idea that when you die, you are allowed to be in a realm with your mind, like being put inside your subconscious, isolated from the rest of the world, me inside my tortured mind. What this means is, death is at the worst, an inconvenience. I love being alone, I am practically a lone wolf in nature (I've never felt loneliness as an emotion) and being locked in my mind where I don't have to worry about abuse or the knowledge that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to get to a point in life where I am at peace. I find that I don't fit in with society at all. I'm attracted to the wrong gender, I don't like the right things, I dress stupidly, I don't conform with what is modern and fashionable... the list goes on. Where the fuck am I supposed to find a fellow furry metal head who is gay and doesn't mind being in love with a guy who's lost his mind? And as for friends, I only have about three and I have to lie blatantly to them every day I live. And I know they will just let me die when I tell them who I really am. I don't have "true" friends. The only ones I have are furries and they are all out of the country. When I write this, I feel stupid, like I am writing some foolish fantasy. But I know that in the heat of the moment, I'll believe it. It feels stupid as I have a decent chance of getting a good job in a garage, a job that will pay me well. But garages do not suit homosexual's like me at all, they are one of the most homophobic trades around, unless being in the Westboro Baptist Church is a profession... I know that I should tell my family. But I know one of two things will happen. Either they will think its just standard depression and it'll fade off, stop scaring them, or that they will go apeshit and ask why I didn't tell them about it before. The problem with this is, I fear that I won't be able to produce enough evidence to support such a thing that they will believe. Also, its not like they can do anything about it. I'm fighting human nature, an unstoppable force. And I am no immovable object What should I do? Is there anything I can do? Or is this just an imminent road to death? Thank you! Fred E Coyote (age 16) * * * Dear Fred, Hello again. You’ve written to me now on several occasions, including about your sexual obsession with Tech E. Coyote, your struggles with homosexual feelings, and your problems with bullying and feeling useless. I had thought I had helped you somewhat, based on your testimonials saying you were over your Tech E obsession and so on. I’m sorry that is apparently not true. As you know, I am not a trained therapist. Given all that you are going through, I really would suggest you seek out some professional counseling, if it is at all possible. All that aside, I will try to offer some words of comfort to you. What is core to your problem is that you are basing what is “right” and “wrong” on the opinions of those external to you: the people at church, at school, your peers, and so on. Because those people’s worldviews do not match your own, you believe you are insane or simply not right in the head. This idea is deeply imbedded in you because you have had these opinions and views forced down your throat since you were a toddler. That is the time when your brain is still being wired, so to speak, so now they are deeply ingrained in you and hard to shake. You need to unlearn what you have learned. You need to realize that your ideas and beliefs have validity and just because a lot—or even a majority—of people may not believe as you do does not make you wrong. Remember, it used to be commonly believed that the Sun orbited the Earth, that illnesses were caused by demonic possession, and tomatoes were poisonous to eat, just to name a few things. People are often wrong. Most people would disagree with the things I believe in, too. But I don’t care. I have come to my own conclusions on life and they are mine and they are what I believe and they guide me in life. I would like to recommend someone to you: Don Miguel Ruiz. He has compiled and explained the belief systems of ancient peoples in books like The Four Agreements. Visit his website at http://www.miguelruiz.com/ (and, no, I don’t get a commission on sales :-P) You would benefit greatly from reading his books and/or listening to his tapes. They are all about unlearning all the shit that society has filled your head with so that you can connect to yourself and the real world. Hope this helps you more than my previous letters. Bear hugs, Papabear
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Non-Drug Therapies Can Help This Phoenix Suffering from Sleep-deprivation and Emotional Illnesses11/26/2013 Hello Papa Bear,
Only recently have I found your advice page, and oddly I had been looking for one. Weird how that all works out.... Anyway, I’m a phoenix, but I suffer from a fairly ironic problem. I have problems getting to sleep at night. Mainly due to when nest down for the evening, I am flooded with feelings of fear and depression. My mind runs straight to "You just lost another day of your life" and "One step closer to death." I haven't been able to get it to stop and it's making my feathers fall out. When the thought of death is unavoidable when its nesting time, it scares me to death. At one time I went for professional help. After many tests I was diagnosed with panic attacks, night terrors, and depression. They tried to medicate me, and thanks to a previous life I am not at all proud of (involving heavy drug use) I am majorly afraid of using anything that isn't natural or that forces me to do anything. I really don’t know what to do about this, the lack of a good restful night sleep is really starting to effect me badly. my heath has been taking a turn for the worst. What can I possibly do? From one tired birdy, Dimitri * * * Hi, Dimitri, Thanks for your letter. Quick question: do you drink diet sodas or anything with artificial sweeteners? Please get back to me and I'll write again soon. Hugs, Papabear * * * Actually I don't. I mainly drink tea and water. I never had a taste for soft drinks. * * * Hi, again, Dimitri, Okay, I always like to check that first because a lot of people drink diet sodas and consume other things with aspartame, which can really mess up your neurological system. That aside, first allow me to congratulate you for getting off the drugs. That is no small achievement and deserves recognition. I also understand that you would be hesitant to take prescription drugs, since they can have many adverse side effects (just watch any drug commercial on TV—got depression? Take this pill.... Oh, sure, it might give you thoughts of suicide and give you a tumor, but you won’t be depressed! Say what?) There could be a lot of things going on here. You say you sought professional help (good for you) and they diagnosed you with panic attacks, night terrors, and depression. Okay, so, that’s the diagnosis, but did they try to find out the cause of all this? Or did they just reach for the pills? Treating the symptoms will not help you without finding the cause. One possibility could go back to your drug use. Drugs, as you well know, can really mess up your brain. It could be that whatever you were ingesting or injecting or snorting has damaged your neurological system (just as aspartame does) and this has caused your current problems. If that’s the case, then the damage is done. Now, sometimes your brain can, over time, rewire itself and recover. Other times it cannot. I personally know a man who took heavy drugs when he was young and now he is a walking zombie. It’s really sad. Fortunately, it’s not quite that bad for you and maybe there is help. Now, going even deeper, it could be that the real problem is whatever caused your drug use in the first place, such as if you had a particularly traumatic childhood or, if you were in the military, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. These are things that you really need to discuss with a professional. Go to a counselor or psychologist (not a psychiatrist), or, if you think any of the above is true, you could also seek group therapy. What you need to do, in the meantime, is calm your body and mind. That in itself may help you gain insights into the possible causes of your issues. There are several ways to do this without drugs, including:
There are also a number of foods, too, that you can eat that are conducive to sleep. Ever hear of drinking a warm glass of milk before bed? It’s more than just a household remedy—it can actually help. Some other foods that help you sleep are:
What you need is sleep. The less you sleep, the more imbalanced your brain becomes, and the more likely you are to have nightmares, depression, and so forth. In recent years, the medical community has become increasingly aware of how vital good, restful sleep is to our health. An organization that specializes in sleep research and assistance is the National Sleep Foundation (http://www.sleepfoundation.org/). I recommend you visit its website, join the online community, and perhaps seek a sleep therapist (a directory is available on the site). You might discover that your problems stem from less shocking causes such as sleep apnea, Restless Leg Syndrome, or some other very treatable trigger. Many doctors these days are too quick with the drugs. Try some of the approaches above and I’m confident you will get some relief! Happy Thanksgiving! Eat Turkey! Grubbs Dear Papabear!
Although I feel somewhat awkward penning this little letter, I've got to the point where I really think I could benefit from an outside perspective. First off, allow me to give you a bit of personal background which I feel may be important. I'm currently 21 years old, just about to graduate university with a Japanese major, and looking for a job. Fairly standard stuff. My problem, in a nutshell, lies in irrational emotional responses to certain rather specific triggers. This problem has been with me since at least the start of secondary school, although probably longer, before I learned to recognize it for what it is. The triggers I mentioned pretty much all seem to be connected to interpersonal relationships, how I relate to other people, and how I compare myself to them. More specifically, the most serious issue seems to be placing myself on a sort of “intellectual ladder,” if you will. I harbor a chronic feeling that I am somehow of little value, or beneath others, so to speak. In other words, I feel that I lack special talents, skills, and intelligence. Moreover, I often get a creeping suspicion that other people view me the same way, even if it is completely irrational. Now the trouble is, my relationships with other people often get off to a completely innocent and good start. However, eventually I start getting ideas that the other person actually sees very little in me, just barely tolerates me, or looks down on me. Of course, I don't think about this stuff constantly, but I still get the nagging feeling that I'm just not good enough, and I get hypersensitive to it. Now eventually the other person, completely accidentally and unintentionally, says something that somehow, even if it is completely illogical, seems to verify this belief, and that makes me explode at them, and get into pointless, hour-long arguments where I will twist well nigh every word being said like a demonic lawyer, to turn whatever the other person had to say into grave insults to my intellect, or unjust assertions of his/her superiority. The real nasty part here is that these feelings of inadequacy are most often triggered by the person in question trying to teach me something new, or tell me something I don't know; i.e., trying to help me, or give me something that they think will be of value and use to me. In other words, I end up attacking and hurting the ones closest to me, the ones who love me the most, and the ones I love and/or value the most in turn. Even though I'm fully aware of this horrible deficiency on my part, that awareness doesn't seem to help much when it comes to quelling it; it's almost like an evil reflex, much like when the doctor hits your knee with that certain hammer; I know I shouldn't say and do these things, I know I will feel horribly guilty just a couple of minutes after saying them, there is some terrible, self-destructive part in me that would rather destroy a relationship than have its imaginary fears proven true. I'm fairly new to the furry community; even though I've known much about it for quite a few years, I've only joined the community proper about a year ago. However, this one year has been a wonderful experience in many ways; I've found a community with like-minded people, where I really feel I belong, and I've learned a lot about myself; in fact, I'd say any improvements on my psychological problems I've achieved are thanks to my experience with the furry community, and certain philosophies that resonated with me within it. Only two years ago I couldn't have even admitted I had a problem at all; I wouldn't have accepted something in myself needs improvement. Ever since discovering my, shall we say, animal side, I've acquired a bit of a different perspective within myself, which made me more self-aware and therefore better equipped to deal with my problems. However, it still hasn't made them go away, and even though I feel I am improving, although slowly and with gritted teeth (I couldn't agree more that your worst enemy and greatest opponent can be yourself, or certain parts of yourself, at the least), these problems still show up quite often, and I still risk losing people I've come to feel close to, and I don't want that. Doubly so since more than like-minded individuals, I have found love in the furry community; I have been with my mate for almost half a year now, and I love her dearly. She means the world to me, but even so, I fear these problems could come between us. I want and try my best to change, both for her sake and mine, but it is doubtless the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Do you believe there is any useful insight you could give me on this matter? Sincerely, a troubled hyena * * * Dear Hyena, What you’re experiencing is quite common for people suffering from low self-esteem. What you are doing is repressing your feelings of hurt and anger because you feel your opinions don’t matter and that you are not a worthwhile person. You can repress these feelings over time, but eventually they have to come out, and they come out when something triggers your repressed anger. In your case, that occurs when you feel someone is trying to correct you or teach you something. Even though you are aware they are trying to help you, you are so hypersensitized to criticism that all the bottled-up anger comes exploding out of you in one ugly outburst. Unfortunately for the person near you, they get the full-force of that explosion. There are two strategies you need to take to fix this problem: 1) build your self-esteem, and 2) learn how to control your outbursts. Let’s work on #2 first because building self-esteem takes a lot of time and you probably want to work on controlling your outbursts ASAP. Here are some strategies to work on:
As for improving self-esteem, that’s something you’ll need to work on over time. There is really not enough room in this column to guide you in this. Depending on your budget and how you feel about such things, you could try hiring a counselor or, to begin, you might try doing some reading, such as Melanie Fennell’s Overcoming Low Self-Esteem. You can also try joining a support group. There are several listed in the MeetUp site at http://self-esteem.meetup.com/ and you can do some searching on the Internet for a group nearest to you. Many people, including yours truly, suffer from depression and low self-esteem, and it’s not something you get over in a day; it is a lifetime struggle that you improve on slowly. Good luck! Bear Hugs! Papabear I'm not sure what to write here or even what the response I receive will be, with that said, hello, first time writing to ya.
I suppose I should start off at the beginning of what put me into my current situation, just a few years ago I joined the US Army, went through the training, deployed to Afghanistan once, got back to the states and did some bullshit for the next few months and eventually left the military with an honorable discharge. After this I moved in with my folks and spent some time off just living on the money I saved up in the military, then started looking for a job, couldn't find one, money dried up, parents asked me to move out. The trailer I was living in on their property didn't have heat anyways and winter was approaching quickly, I heard of a homeless veteran shelter and moved in there. Its not a bad place, its clean, safe and has food available, its just, still can't find a job, last couple months I've been pretty depressed about my situation, enough that I have had certain thoughts that I would prefer not to mention here but I am sure you will suggest I seek a "licensed professional." Honestly I prefer not speaking to one, reasons being that with the current state of the country, and the fact that if one of these "licensed professionals" can legally strip me of my second amendment rights if they feel my mental state is not within a certain standard. I do not want to wake up one day with a police officer knocking on my door demanding my firearms because of some bout of depression I was treated for. I wouldn't be surprised if I am on some type of government watch list for the sole reason of serving this country. I suppose that is all I have to write for now, maybe you have some advice for my situation. Thanks, Rob * * * Dear Rob, I would like to start my reply by giving you a big “Thank You!” for bravely serving your country and all of us who remained at home. That was a selfless thing to do and must be acknowledged. I think it is pretty awesome that there are furries in the military (I assume you’re a furry and that’s how you found my column.) Papabear can understand your reticence about seeking professional help. I often suggest to writers who contact me that they do such, but more important is that you reach out to someone when you are troubled. And I think it is a very good sign that you have written to me that you are thinking clearly and have not sunk so low as to be a danger to yourself or others. It is also understandable that at this point in your life you would be depressed. Who wouldn’t be? You have put your life on the line only to come back and find yourself jobless and kicked out of your parents’ home. It is a dirty shame that, for the most part, our federal government has fallen down on the job when it comes to helping veterans, especially when it comes to getting jobs and reestablishing themselves in mainstream society. Nevertheless, if you haven’t already done so, I would recommend you contact Veteran Affairs at http://www.va.gov/. The VA not only has medical assistance to those who need it, but also job training and job search programs. That would be a good start. If you have already done that, then you can also look into private veteran organizations like the National Veterans Foundation (http://nvf.org/) which has chapters throughout the country. A big part of what they do is help vets find work. There is also AmVets (http://www.amvets.org/), which does have training and grant programs, though admittedly a lot of their focus seems to be on helping vets with medical and other financial problems. On the next level, start connecting to local and war-relevant groups. Since you served in Afghanistan, you are eligible to join the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (http://iava.org) for free. The IAVA is focused on assisting with health, training, and employment of veterans of these wars. Finally, you can search for local organizations in your state, county, or city. Search under “veterans for veterans” and see what you can locate using Google. Or, you could probably get recommendations from the IAVA if you asked their office. Oh! And don’t forget your furiends! Connect with military furs at such places as http://militaryfurries.livejournal.com/ and http://furry4life.org/forum/topics/military-furs. This might not lead to a job, but it will give you some social support that you might need. As you can see, Rob, getting help and reaching out doesn’t necessarily mean looking for a mental health professional. My instinct is that you are not crazy or a danger in any way; you are simply depressed because of the southward turn your life has taken. I hope that some of the information above can put you on a course toward helping you find your way out of your present situation. Papabear Salutes You! Dear PapaBear,
I believe I should start by saying, I am a college student who lives in the dorms and I have made various friends and I had constantly been picked on, as well as my other friends, but I have learned to just brush it off... Here is my concern: My roommate is one of my very close friends, who has a bit of a tendency to get mad quickly, especially when it comes to me. My fear is that he managed to sneak a switch blade into the dorms! I am afraid he is going to hurt someone! He usually comes into the room when [he] is mad and yells, but my other roommate and another close friend has had to hold him back on a couple of occasions BEFORE he got the blade. I have asked him several times to take it back home, give it to me to put away, or at LEAST to leave it in the room, stating my fear that his short fuse is going to cause him to make a grave mistake... Every time he blows me off saying "He isn't stupid" or "He wouldn't do that," but I can see in his eyes every time he gets mad... His hands quiver over his pocket when he is in the room... What can I say to make him listen? Signed, Highwind * * * Hi, Highwind, This is something that you should not handle yourself. Go to your RA and tell them about what is going on. You should trust your gut on this and not second guess yourself. If you feel he could potentially be dangerous, take it to someone who can do something about it. I know you say this guy is a friend, but I would also suggest you find new living arrangements. This is not something to treat lightly. Let me know how it goes. Papabear * * * Dear PapaBear, Thank you very much for your advice; it really did help. I talked to my RA and we all sat and had a talk (and let me clarify when I said "especially when it comes to me" I meant when people pick on me and what not). Luckily, as extreme as the college can be with stuff like this, it went smoothly, and instead of expulsion he is going to be placed in anger management classes. When his temper isn't flaring (again let me say this much when I FIRST arrived he used to be worse with his temper) he is a really nice guy who would go through heck and back for people close to him... Smart too... So let me just say it again, thank you very much PapaBear. With love, Highwind P.S: Lots of hugs from this fluffy wolf Dear Papabear,
I've discovered the furries half a year ago and am still discovering the fandom little by little, so I guess you can't really consider me as a full member yet since I don't even have a fursona but after reading some of the letters, I thought you wouldn't mind. I apologize in advance for my writing since English isn't my native language. So... The problem I'm currently experiencing isn't nearly as important as some I've read, but I guess we luckily don't all have suicidal friends or horrible parents, eh? I'm 18 (considered as adult where I live) and am going to the equivalent of US's college. I am currently on summer vacation and just like during all of the recent years’ summers I am... well, bored. It isn't an issue during the rest of the year since I'm glad to simply get home and relax after school but on summer vacation I have enough time to get bored and the problem is that I just can't find a hobby. I don't really have any friends since I'm not really friendly... and don't speak much... okay, okay, because I'm just completely asocial to be honest, so I have to have fun by other means, like video games and Internet and... that's it. Staring at a screen has been fun for the last seven or eight years but at this point even that begins to bore me. Of course Internet gave me some ideas of hobbies, like drawing or writing or programming and I tried each of these but apparently just didn't... had the will (a.k.a. balls) to hold on to them (to the hobbies, I mean). Now, I know the 10,000 hours rule and that I need to dedicate myself to these hobbies in order to begin to be good and enjoy it but I apparently simply don't have the motivation to keep it up and continue even if my current results are horrible (gawd that drawing... even thinking about it hurts my self-esteem, haha...). I think I'm most interested in drawing. I don't really know why, maybe it's the social aspect or maybe it's that you work around a single "idea" as opposed to writing where you need a lot of imagination to write a whole story. On the other hand (or let's furrify this expression a little: "On the other paw"), programming might be a good choice too since I'm already familiar with computers (unlike pencils...) and am not too bad at math which is the main source of entertainment at school, right after doodling. As regards the writing, like I said it does require a lot of imagination which I'm lacking... when I need it. I did tried to write a story once... and ended up staring at the screen with a notepad on it for something about half an hour. Some days ago I wrote a couple of lines of... poetry/philosophy/whatever-that-is but I still feel better about drawing than writing. So I guess my question is: what should I do to gain the motivation I need to start a hobby? Thank you in advance for your advice, Sincerely, Lolity * * * Hi, Lolity, Thanks for your letter. You can help me out a little by giving me a bit more information. At school, do you have a favorite class or classes? When you watch TV or look on the Internet, what things in particular interest you or at least catch your eye? Are there some things on the news that interest you more than others? This will help. Thanks. Papabear * * * Dear Papabear After reading your e-mail requesting more information about my interests, I tried to do a list of them and my thoughts trailed off the subject and I ended up doing a lot of thinking... I know it is confusing but I guess my real problem is...worse?...than just a difficulty to find a hobby, which is the consequence of the real problem. So, it's difficult to explain... As I mentioned it in my previous letter, I have no friends and my relationship with my family is pretty horrible, all of this being the result of my efforts to keep everyone away from me. I've always been shy and didn't walk up to people first and had only a few friends in my life before we split apart or before I broke off all contact with them. I think the moment when I switched from shy to asocial was four years ago when I was dumped by my "closest" friends, who were just some school mates when I think about it, for... basically being an annoying asshole. They were right to do this, now when I think about it because during that year I had my teen crisis and was acting really, really like a dumbass. But the point is that I didn't feel it that way the following year and I guess this is the reason why I began not to dare to talk to others and drive away anyone who tried to get close to me. And from this point the fear of interacting with others slowly grew up to the point when I simply broke all contact with all of my friends and repelled my family to the point when I'm more a dweller in the family's house than an actual member of the family. It isn't like they don't care about me, it's just that I'm so good at isolating myself that it's rare when we have a conversation longer than a "Hi!" in the kitchen. As regards the school, I usually just ignore anyone who tries to speak with me which gave me the reputation of the-guy-you-don't-speak-with, which is comfortable. This whole situation makes me feel horrible whenever I interact with other people which leads to me isolating myself even more. At this point you're probably wondering what does all this have with the hobby problem... Well, I'm slowly realizing that I really don't enjoy being alone and that this loneliness makes me depressed. And this depression keeps me from doing anything, drawing, writing, programming or enjoying video-games. Of course, I don't always feel like hanging myself, these moment being actually really rare, but when I try to do something and see it isn't as good as I expected it to be, this depression keeps me from improving myself. I also noticed that these four years of not speaking to anyone left me with a real difficulty to express myself orally and making sentences but I guess this problem will disappear by itself if I begin to actually speak with people. So, all I need to do to break this depressing monotony is simply begin to talk to people, starting with my family but... I just can't. It's easier for me to write for an hour a feeling filled letter to someone I don't even know (no offense) than to just go downstairs and speak with the people who are supposed to be my family. And this is the problem. I want to get out of this nasty situation but am too... scared?... of... nothing! I don't know how to do this, how to force myself to speak to others and I need your advice if you have one. I'm sorry for these confusing letters and also for my writing which is probably even worse than it was in the first letter since I'm not in the best of my form right now... you know, snot and tears all over the keyboard'n'stuff... So, thank you for your patience and sorry for racking your brain with my problems. P.S.: On the bright side I now know what animal my fursona would be... a clam. It's gonna be fun fursuiting that. Sincerely, Lolity * * * Dear Lolity, To paraphrase Shrek, your letter is like an onion, having several layers. First you start of with this problem that you can’t find a hobby to enjoy, then, digging deeper, we learn you have problems interacting with peers and family, and digging still deeper, self-esteem issues. Your letter indicates self-esteem issues, which, for instance, make you self-critical of any efforts you make to draw or write or do something creative. Poor self-esteem often stems from how one is raised. You say you, apparently, have family that is caring, and yet you cannot talk to them. Whatever happened four years ago that drove the rest of your so-so friends away might have just been the straw breaking the camel’s back, a back already heavily weighed down by other psychological burdens that have caused you to withdraw into yourself. The good news is that you recognize the loneliness you have created for yourself is not a pleasant shell to hide in. (That you want to be a “clam” is quite telling). But your approach of forcing yourself to talk to people and be more extroverted won’t work because you are treating the symptom and not the cause. For you to get out of your shell, you are going to need to find the central cause of what lead you down this path in the first place. I hope I don’t sound like a broken record when I suggest that a bit of counseling could help you to find what deep down inside of you is really bothering you. You need to approach your problem from the inside out, not outside in. Feel free to write again, Lolity, and let me know your further thoughts. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear, When I was younger I was bullied, but I would always imagine myself as a superhero named Wolf Girl. She was the queen of a planet called Tacton, had green, light-green, blue, light-blue, and yellow scales. I always imagined saving people and sacrificing myself, usually imagining myself dying in many different ways (even saving those who bullied me). But as I’ve grown older my infatuation with being the hero has lessened and being the “damsel in distress” has increased. Now I see myself as a Leafeon furry, or a wolf furry that has an injured and horrific life, but I often find I’d rather live that life than my own.... My OC Leaf, who is the furry I’d rather be, lives a now peaceful life with a husband and daughter... I have feelings for the person who owns the husband OC. I even have my head in the clouds, imagining meeting him in real life. Why would my head be in the sky wanting the horrific life Leaf suffered instead of the life I live now?... And wanting to die for others all the time... or simply wanting to die (as in the RP she always seems to die a lot but comes back to life too)? Leaf * * * Hi, Leaf, My early life has some similarities to yours. As a cub, I was bullied as well and was very much the outsider, rejected by almost all my classmates because I was shy and unathletic. I, too, imagined myself as an amazing furry, only for me it was being a dragon, usually, who was very powerful and lived in a cave with his hoard of gold but would also help knights and other adventurers on their quests. Sometimes, too, I was a wolf or a stag with a proud rack of antlers who lived in a cartoon parallel world rather reminiscent of the ones you see in “Marry Poppins” and “Bedknobs and Broomsticks.” I would say it is not uncommon for someone who is a frequent victim of bullying to have such fantasies. In fact, I think that is why a lot of young people get into furry—because they are unhappy with their lives and themselves in some way and wish to become much more, such as a skinny kid who is picked on wanting to be a muscular wolf or gorilla or some such. In your case, you prove yourself to be better than your enemies not only physically but also morally in that you save the bullies from danger, too. Now, the death scenario. This is a psychologically valid construct in that it is a kind of bid for attention. Most people who are bullied are the kind that are socially ignored by their peers. They feel invisible. In your fantasies you become this amazing heroine, and the heroism becomes all the more dramatic when you lay down your life. The result of this is that you have shown those around you how incredibly noble you are and you get psychological gratification in knowing they will weep over your dead body and miss you very much. But! How can you enjoy their sadness over your death if you are dead? Therefore, you must come back to life to observe their sadness, and then, even better, their utter joy when they see that you are not really dead. It is, rather, something you see a lot in movies, too, such as the “death” and rebirth of the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast.” Baloo does a great job of it in "Jungle Book." Why would you prefer this to the later life of Leaf when has a happy life with a spouse and daughter? For the same reason we don’t care what happens to Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella/Snow White/Sleeping Beauty/Ariel and the Prince, Robin Hood and Maid Marian, and many more after they reach that “happy ever after” stage: it’s BORING.
There is your explanation, then, Leaf. Life is more interesting when it includes tragedy, for without tragedy there is no need to be a hero or heroine, and we love heroes and heroines and enjoy imagining ourselves as them. Hugs, Papabear Dear papa bear,
You told me to keep you updated on how things were going with me so…here it is. In short? Not well. My mental state has deteriorated since I last emailed you about my struggle with depression and while some things in my life have improved, many have not. Some have even worsened. I'll try to summarize best I can to avoid a long, boring wall 'o text.
There are other little things like my complete lack of self-esteem or self-image but I feel this has gone on long enough. I have no idea how to fix what's wrong with me, I cannot go a single day without a fantasy popping in my head involving killing myself and/or others. I may be able to tell you all this in an email but I have had no such luck actually talking to someone about it. I'm terrified of the ramifications psych help could cause to my reputation and/or career. Please, how can I do this? Every day it feels like I'm closer and closer to just snapping, my temper has gotten so much worse and I've harboured more and more dark thoughts. -Towyn * * * Hi, Towyn, [Note to readers: you can see previous letters and my replies to Towyn here and here http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/09/conservative-furry-is-tired-of-being-yelled-at.html] I’m sorry to hear you have had a setback. Last time you wrote me, you were feeling better about things. You don’t mention in your letter whether or not you have tried the things I recommended, including 1) exercising and trying to live a healthier lifestyle, 2) contacting a suicide hotline, 3) exploring the option of a military career, which can help toward school, 4) exploring local government education programs, 5) exploring your spiritual life. I would also add, since I didn’t do this the last time, that you could contact Boys Town (http://www.boystown.org/) which offers free online counseling and other help. I think it’s a crime that your mother has turned a deaf ear toward your needs. Usually, the problem is a child NOT talking to a parent when he or she needs help, but in this case you ARE reaching out to your mom and she has brushed you off. Pardon me for saying so, but that is a bad mother you have there. She should be ashamed of herself. As for your political opinions, we addressed that as well in a previous letter. What are your feelings about what I said at that time? Have you tried any of my suggestions, repeated above? I cannot help you if you are unwilling to help yourself. Helping yourself takes some effort. There are no magic wands or miracle elixirs I can give you. You need to try some or all of the above in order to make your life better. I hope you will. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I've never written a letter to an advice column before, pretty much being forced to, but here it goes. My boyfriend, C, and I have been together for four and a half years. It's a long distance, online relationship (sorry if that bothers you since you seem tired of letters involving one) and we're usually happy for the most part. The problem comes from fights we have too often, particularly a bad one just this week, which is prompting this letter. Our fights tend to be the same general thing, he's done something or mentions friends of his that I do not like at all and I get pissed and it escalates into a fight. On his side, he sees nothing wrong with them, but I just have a huge aversion to them and he feels there's nothing he likes that I won't get pissed at, but I feel it's not that many. They are started by things that other people would probably consider minor, but they always escalate. When we argue our points in these fights and my view is questioned, he says he's just trying to understand why I feel a certain way, but I always feel that he tries his hardest to poke holes in my way of thinking and destroy my viewpoint. The fights always end with us apologizing and saying we'd try to avoid this, but they keep happening. The latest fight was actually caused by an after-effect from a fight that happened a few days before. It started by him mentioning he was going to hang out with someone I don't like I'll refer to as D. The reason I don't like him is because around a year ago, C wanted to try a master/pet thing with him (we have a semi-open relationship) with -- as a pet, though, they hadn't even known each other for very long, but they lived in the same area. I was unsure of the idea, but I saw nothing wrong with him trying it out. After some time, C was hanging out with a friend of ours, J, who wanted to see what C looked like with a leash, collar, and these little dog or fox ears he had. J took a picture and showed me, but then sent a picture to D, despite C asking him not to (lately, C has told me the pic was sent to D before he protested, but he never said this at the time and I feel it's just a cover) and later that day, D told C that he felt he wasn't "master material" or something along those lines and dumped him as a master. C got upset because of this event. I was rather pissed at both of them, so I called them out on what they did, but they acted outraged that I dared to accuse them of having done something wrong. The whole thing made me decide to never consider them friends, only as jerks, but C is still friends with them, something that baffles me. Another problem is someone from FurAffinity, called S, whose first interaction with us was insulting C’s character while I was defending him from someone else. C became friends with him after getting a very minor apology from him and I believe he shouldn't have given him the time of day, that we should have made him admit he was an asshole, then forget about him, but leaving him labeled as a jerk in our book. So, when D was brought up, I let my displeasure be known, and C began defending him and J and I got angry over the fact that he tries to be friends with people who have offended him when the clear (from my point of view) choice would be to drop them. We argued over this, him being upset that I get so angry over him mentioning these people and me being upset that he still gives them the time of day. Though he claims he just wants me to stop getting angry at him for mentioning people I don't like, he always seems like he's trying to force me to forgive them by going on about how wrong I am about them or how great they really are, but he denies that. We eventually calmed down; decided to try another compromise where I would try to stop giving him grief when he mentions them. Things calmed down for a while, but a new fight occurred involving another friend of ours who we were almost always on good terms with, E. While C and I were arguing, C had mentioned that E had said I was being childish, and that made me sore at him for a while. When things were calm, C had said E was worried because he had a dream that we didn't like him anymore and asked me if I still liked him. I said I was a little mad at him for calling me childish and C expressed concern over that, then feared we were going to start fighting again. I assured him we weren't, because I figured it was a minor thing that I would just get over and I seriously did not want to fight again. Then, C did what I consider an incredibly stupid thing, and told E that I was mad at him. E and I got into a fight with him calling me childish for my disagreements with C, complaining at how I hold grudges, and pretty much taking C's side and bashing mine for an argument that had already ended. He basically rekindled the sore feelings from that fight and then I got really pissed off because I had only been annoyed at E and I believed that my frustration would have faded after a while, but instead, C told him that I was mad, which forced a confrontation when C and I really wanted to avoid a fight. I was so angry, that I called both of them idiots in my fight with E and told him this new fight was their fault. That set him off, and he started saying how childish I was, how I was wrong to be getting mad at C, treating me like the bad guy when they were the ones who disturbed the water and brought it up, calling my frustration with him a grudge. Then, he got up on his high horse and asked if I was done and if we could talk like normal people, as if it wasn't their fault that I got angry. I then exclaimed that this fight was only because they agitated me by fighting my views when things were still sore from the last fight. He then just started defending C's point from that fight, effectively beating a dead horse. Then he said he apologized for calling me childish in the first place and decided to play peacemaker by saying he hated when C and I fought, despite the fact that things had already settled and the two of them decided to kick up dust into everything. I just wanted to stop talking to him and I knew that continuing to speak to him would make things worse, so I told him I wanted to cool down and we stopped speaking after that for most of the day. At the same time, I was arguing with C. He said he TOLD me it was going to be a fight, as if it would have happened if he did not DELIBERATELY start it by telling E that I was mad. He called me a jerk and said I was proving E right. He then dared me to yell at him for agreeing with E, since he "knew I would." Then he had the audacity to say "you're talking to him now? Good *hugs* please don't be bitter after" when he was the one who had caused this fight. This made me say I wanted to tell them both to shut up and he told me to not talk to him for a long time. So, they both stopped talking to me for hours and coincidentally, C then had a horrible day and E was under the impression that I was going to apologize and relayed this misconception to C. Later at night, E texted me to relay that I was close to losing C, that he had the worst day ever, and that he was pissed off. So, I texted C back and he vented on me, pissed that I had called him and E idiots, that we always get into an argument that goes nowhere and nothing changes, that it seems I'm apparently never wrong and that he's always seen as attacking me. We then talked over the phone to try and settle this and I gave some serious thought about my part in our fights. Our fights tend to start because of something I don't like, but I escalate things to an extreme. When I think of myself, I like to think that I am aware of my flaws and that I acknowledge them as such, but I really don't. In our fights, I always see myself as absolutely in the right. My views in them always make so much sense, and I cannot understand C's. When C (or anyone, it seems) tries to argue his side in a bad fight, I take it as a personal attack and I start seeing them as an enemy and I struggle as hard as I can. Even when we reach a compromise, I never see it as a compromise. To me, I'm always the one who loses and has to make a change and I always feel that all C has to do is avoid these things, which I feel should be easy since I always think its something that, by its very nature, should be repellant to him. This perceived injustice always seems wrong to me, so I never make a long-term change. Also, thinking about how I disagree with C forgiving people who have offended him, I tell him that my habit of writing off people who have offended me is how I've dealt with things like bullying, or people being unnecessarily rude or cruel. I write them off as worthless jerks who don't deserve forgiveness, or even existence in some cases. More thought made me realize it's so easy to do that because none of the people I've labeled as worthless have been my friend. I have no emotional investment in them at all, so I can dehumanize them. My parents, my sister, C, E, and some friends have all upset me in the past, but I never wrote them off. If people I didn't know had bothered me in the same way they have, I would have written them off right away. Of course, after realizing this, I immediately began to rationalize that C didn't know D long enough for him to be that important, or that S was a stranger who didn't deserve any chance to begin with. Which brings me to another problem I have. Even after analyzing myself and realizing these problems, I am still seeing myself as in the right. I admit that I escalated the fights, but I blame C and others for starting them. I victimize myself to avoid bettering myself. I have a moment where I realize something bad about myself, then ignore it. I still feel that this latest fight was E and C's fault. E for having called me childish and C for telling him I was mad about it. We both care about each other and don't want to end things, because we make each other really happy when not fighting (I know that sounds stupid), so now, C decided that he will see to it that something changes this time. Again, I feel cheated because it feels like I've lost and will have to change, and this time it's being enforced. He said one step I have to take is writing this letter to you, something I did not like the idea of. That probably has to do with how I always believe I'm right in a fight. I see myself as just fine with no need to change, and I think of getting help to change as somehow destroying who I am. I don't even know what I should ask for. I wrote the letter like C asked, and knowing me, if you said something I disagreed with, I'd probably get angry again, even though you wouldn't be intending harm. I suppose I would like to ask for your opinion, please. Angry and Apparently Always Wrong. * * * Dear Angry, There’s a saying that goes like this: would you rather be happy or would you rather be right? When we insist on being right all the time no matter what, then confrontation is inevitable even when it is about very minor things, as you mentioned. Papabear senses that both you and C may have some issues, too, stemming from childhood. With C, he may have been emotionally neglected, which makes him crave attention and friendship, even from people who don’t treat him very well. With you, you may have suffered some abuse, too, emotional or otherwise, that makes you defensive and irritable. These are just guesses, but it would explain both of your ways of behaving. It’s good that you recognize you have a problem, but as long as you “feel cheated” because you have “lost” you will never stop fighting with your mate, which would be a shame because the two of you seem happy otherwise. The problem here is that you are quick to take offense and quick to anger. There are things you can do to avoid that, and here is a very good Web page from Sri Chinmoy to help you: http://www.srichinmoybio.co.uk/blog/inner-peace/10-powerful-ways-to-deal-with-anger/. In addition to the above, you need to explore why you are such an angry person in the first place. As I said, this may have a lot to do with your upbringing, but you don’t talk about that in your letter so it is something you’ll need to think about and see if maybe that is a root cause. So, that is some advice for you. But, in any relationship, it takes two to tango. Your mate is part of the problem, as well. As your mate, C should be concerned that he is upsetting you with his insistence on seeing people whom you don’t like. In all of this, while insisting on you changing your behavior, he hasn’t made any effort to change his. Now, I am hoping that not all of C’s friends are people you don’t like because then that wouldn’t be very fair to him. You would be denying him all relationships outside of yours. I assume, then, that the two of you share some friends that the both of you like, even though you are in a long-distance relationship. The key word here is “compromise.” You need to give a little, and so does he. You need to agree to try and control your anger and resentment, perhaps with the exercises I linked you to above, and he needs to show more consideration for your feelings, as well. Also, think about this: you could take a lesson from C about forgiveness, letting go. It might be that C is a little too forgiving, but I’m not sure that’s the case as nothing you have said in your letter is so offensive as to go beyond forgivable. In summary, here’s what you should do: 1. Explore whether there is a root cause to your being so easily angered and come to understand why you might feel so angry. 2. Practice the exercises discussed by Sri Chinmoy. 3. Ask your partner to also explore why he might be allowing himself to be stepped on a bit by others. 4. Work on a compromise in which you agree to control your anger and C agrees to be more considerate of your feelings and that, at least sometimes, you might be right about some of his friends. 5. Hang out more with friends you BOTH like (I guess, virtually). 6. Learn the art of forgiveness and letting go of old arguments. They only hurt you and your partner. Once an old problem has been resolved, move on. It is never fair in an argument to bring up old grudges that you have both agreed to forgive. That’s not fighting fairly. Four and a half years is a long time to be in a long-distance relationship. Congrats for making it this long. I still say that any real relationship involves two people being in the same physical space together, and it could really help the two of you to resolve disagreements if you were. You see, a lot of misunderstandings can happen when dialogue is conducted via texting or emails or even an online game that includes audio or via Skype. The reason is that a lot of communication between partners is physical, not verbal. Body language and physical touch go a long way toward understanding, empathy, and sympathy. I hope you can take your partnership with C to that next level someday. Good luck! Papabear I'm not sure how to start this, but let me see what I can do. Lately I've been feeling really down, mostly because of parents, whether it be my own or others. What I mean by that is, I had plans to move out and with a friend in like August, but his father refuses to let him live on his own. As for my parents, the best way I would describe them would be "control-freaks." No matter what I do, whether "secretly" or not, they always have to know what I am doing. And also lately, one of them said they want me to work more because the other parent's job has been going downhill lately. Which makes it sound like they plan on using MY hard earned money. I still plan on moving out, just to a different place now and with a different friend. I will admit that I have gone down the "road" of suicide once, and once I didn't do it, I told myself I would not do it again. Lately however, With the amount of depression lately, mostly from that move plan not working out, I feel like I could snap at any second. So my question is, what should I do to make sure I can "Stay in one piece"? Thanks in advance, Kumi * * * Dear Kumi, Well, first of all, I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and your friend. There could be a reason his father doesn’t want his son to live alone or even with a roommate, but lack of information prevents my speculation on this part, so let’s move on to your parents. Kumi, they may seem like “control freaks” but good parents want to know what their children are up to, and when you try to do things “secretly” and they find out about it, they then have reason to believe you are not being honest with them and that makes them pry into your life even more. The reason parents do this is not to make your life a living hell; it is because they care about you and don’t want something bad to happen to you. (When you should be worried is when your parents don't give a damn what you're doing--then there's a problem). If you want to have a better relationship with your parents, then be 100% open with them about what you are up to, what you are thinking, and how you are feeling. Good parents care about all of that and are there to help you. Helping each other doesn’t just go from parent to child, but also from child to parent (shocker!) ALL members of a family—true, functioning families—love and support and try to help each other. So, now one of your parents is having trouble with work and is earning less, and you feel resentful that they are asking you to work more to help out. You feel it is “MY ... money.” Well, considering that it costs $235,000 to raise a child to 18 in the United States today, on average, and that is NOT counting college, perhaps you might want to repay the favor a little bit?
None of what you have written in your letter is all that horrible, Kumi, and I think you need to take a deep breath and gain a little perspective. No one close to you has died or is gravely ill, you are not horribly sick or disabled, you do not have abusive parents, you have not lost the love of your life, you are not homeless, you have food to eat and clothes to wear. I will not make light of your depression, however. If you are truly feeling depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, you need to talk to someone about it. You might, for example, have a treatable medical condition that could be alleviated with prescriptions, but you would need to see a psychiatrist to determine that. If you don’t feel like you can go to your parents with this, then you need to find someone else. There are many suicide hotlines out there, and there are also groups like Boys’ Town (www.boystown.com) that help troubled youth such as yourself. You might do well to seek them out. Just because your plans of moving out didn’t work is no reason to literally kill yourself. That is the very definition of an overreaction. Calm down, and if you can't calm down, then get some help, hon. There’s no shame in getting help. I’ve done it and many other people have, too, with positive results. Good luck. Please write again and let me know how things go with you. Hugs, Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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