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Hi Papabear,
I've written you before, regarding my inability to make friends. Don't worry I won't pester you with that again. I've accepted that it isn't going to work out. Anyway, my apologies for pestering you again, I just was wondering if you had any advice on contending with rejection. It's just, I've been rejected a lot. Not just in like dating in romance, but just with friends and family as well and it really really hurts. It feels like I've been stabbed in the heart repeatedly. I am disabled and I accept that. I also accept that a lot of people just (I'm not sure of the proper word) prefer to not be around me due to my disability. I'm not angry or anything at these people. While it really hurts, I accept it. I know I'm not very attractive and this coupled with the physical disability makes me all the more undesirable. I know there are tons of people who must write you with way worse problems so by all means get to them first. I just want to know how to make it hurt less when I get shot down. Thanks for your time, sorry to bother you again. Galileo (age 25) * * * Dear Galileo, Oh, my dear, your letter is filled with unnecessary apologies. It is never a bother to hear from people. That is why I am here, for goodness’ sakes! I sure hope other people are not refraining from writing me because they don’t want to be a bother! If too much of that happens, there won’t be a column! So, pester me :-) Hon, there are good, kind, and thoughtful people out there, and then there are shallow, pretentious, mean, backstabbing people. The people you describe who do not want to be around you because of your disability or because they don’t think you’re attractive? Why would you want to be in the company of people like that? I sure wouldn’t! I want to be around people who like me for my heart and my soul and my mind. I know a little about rejection. When I was a boy growing up in Van Nuys, California, I was teased a lot for a number of reasons: I was very pale (a crime in this part of the country), I was unathletic in the extreme (Americans swoon over athletic prowess), and I was very bookish, a nerd. So, a triple wammy, really. Most people teased me. I was even teased for my Russian and German heritage once or twice! The American classroom and school playground is like a wolf pack: there are alphas, omegas, and everyone in between who wants to be an alpha. They pick on and chase away the omegas in an attempt to rise through the hierarchy, or, as they said in my day, “to be one of the cool kids.” As I grew up, I hoped that that sort of thing would be over with, that my peers would mature and not be concerned about shallow material things and social standing. Boy, was I ever wrong. It’s just as bad now as it was in high school. For example, when I entered the gay community, I discovered that there was an “A” list and a “B” list. The A’s were the ones with money who dressed well and drove expensive cars and were considered attractive. The B’s were everyone else. I was, and am, a B, and damn proud of it. I even knew a guy who was an A, but then he fell in love with a B, so the other A’s rejected him because he married “beneath his station.” Good Lord Almighty. My husbear, Yogi, deals with all kinds of crap trying to cover the news in this valley, both from businesses and politicians. Not to get too detailed—while still remaining 100% truthful—you would be shocked by how many people get jobs or business deals around here by literally performing sexual favors. Meanwhile, competent, qualified people get passed by because they have moral standards and refuse to sink so low. It makes one shudder. This is a long way around toward saying this: When you do get rejected, consider the source. If it is someone you don’t respect or admire, then any insult or rejection they cast your way should bounce off you like a beach ball. If it is from someone you respect, well then, perhaps you need to reevaluate why you respect that person, because they sure aren’t behaving like someone with a good heart. That’s the way I handle it. I’m not bothered by anyone who looks down on me (especially the rich elite—the ones having inherited their money are the worst) because I know that they based that rejection on a measuring stick coated with the slime of greed, corruption, and vanity. (A note on the above to readers to avoid hate mail: yesss, I do recognize that not all rich people are evil, but it is my sincere experience that most of them live in such a rarified world that they are unable to empathize with the vast majority of humanity; this has a way of sucking out the soul like a vampire feasting on blood.) I sincerely hope, Galileo, that not everyone in your life has rejected you. Surely, there are a few who love you for you. Cling to those people! Let them know you appreciate and love them for their support. Blessed is the person who needs more than two hands to have enough digits to count his or her true friends. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. You know what you have in common with the wealthiest, most powerful, and most beautiful people on the planet? All of you have exactly one soul. You can’t buy extra souls, or make your soul shine brighter than another person’s soul, no matter how much money you have. And, therefore, you are all equal in God’s eyes. May you be able to discern the quality friends in your life, and ignore the ones who only care about quantities. It takes some doing, but I know that when you say you are not angry at these people, you have the potential to rise above like a delicious olive oil floating above a bitter-tasting vinegar. Thank you for your question, which was an outstanding one. Hugs, Papabear
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Papabear,
So my boyfriend and I have been together for a whole year now and we've gone through a lot of hard situations but now we're stuck. I'm living with him and his parents. The issue is, he doesn't have a job. He lost his job in December of last year and I've been supporting us on a part time job. Recently though, I've gotten a second job. It's a full time job. He sits at home and plays Minecraft. The issue is obvious: I'm doing all the work and he's not helping me. However, we're pretty sure he has clinical depression and can't seem to motivate himself to do anything. He knows he's hurting me, he knows our life is hard because he won't get a job, he knows 90% of my stress is because of him not helping me, and he still can't and or won't do anything about it. I don't know what to do or what to say that won't make him depressed or mad at me but instead motivate him. He won't take my help with trying to help his depression. He says he wants to do it himself without meds but he's not doing a good job and it's hindering us. If there's any advice... Anything you can give me, it would be greatly appreciated :c thank you so much for your time. Nature (age 19) * * * Dear Nature, Being in a relationship with someone who is severely depressed is no picnic. And waiting for them to resolve to “make themselves feel better” is an exercise in futility. You are just empowering them to not do anything and remain depressed. This is because the person may not really understand what is going on with him and therefore cannot help himself, in addition to the fact that being severely depressed sucks all the energy and motivation out of your body. I know, believe me. So, if you care about him, and it seems you do, it is up to you and any friends and family you can find who are willing to help to pull him out of his deep, dark hole. To fight depression, you must first understand the cause. With your boyfriend, as with anyone, the cause could be anything from genetic to hormonal to psychological. His losing his job in December was just the trigger that set off a catastrophic reaction. The actual cause of his depression isn’t losing the job (therefore, recommending he get a new job will not help), but, rather, something else within him. The only way to do that is to get him some help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or, at least, a local support group. For a lot of people, sadly, money is a factor, and insurance often does not cover mental health, or provides only minimal coverage, so finding a support group may be the best option. You can visit the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance to find a local support group and read educational materials about depression. Another good organization is Mental Health America or even go to MeetUp and see if there is a group near you. (You don’t say this, but if he is suicidal, you need to call for help write away. Assistance is available 24/7 at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.) Collect some information on depression and have a talk with him about it, expressing all the while your concern and love for him. Suggest that he go to one of these groups and that you will go with him for support. See if you can get one or more of his family members to also support him in this. If he absolutely refuses, then the next strategy is to be a liaison for him. That is, go to the meetings yourself, talking to the people there and picking their brains. They might even be willing to come to your home and hold a meeting there. You might also try to locate a doctor or clergy member to visit your home and give him guidance. Another strategy: food and exercise. Many people don’t realize it, but diet has a profound effect on our mood. Obviously, if you are depressed, you need to avoid alcohol (by definition, a depressant), and you should also not be taking any illicit drugs. Other foods to avoid:
Foods that HELP you fight depression:
Fun Recipe: Green Tea Ice Cream with Healthy Chocolate Sauce Ingredients for Ice Cream
Instructions
Chocolate Sauce
Break up 2 ounces of bakers chocolate and place in pyrex measuring cup. Microwave on low power (3 out of 10) for 6 minutes. Remove softened chocolate and stir. It will look like a chocolate paste. Add 2 teaspoons of Truvia® and stir. Then add milk or cream a few tablespoons at a time and stir. Add the milk until the sauce is the consistency you like. You may add more sweetener if desired, too. Start making him “treats” for his meals using ingredients like the above. Next, start taking him out of the house. Go on walks together. During these walks, don’t talk or preach to him. If you do that, he’ll want to avoid the walks like the plague. No, instead, just go for a walk. Enjoy the outdoors (hopefully you don’t live in a bad area, but if you do drive out a little way and find a nice park) and just be with each other. Don’t talk about anything serious, like work or money. This should be an enjoyable time for him that he looks forward to. You have to get him away from non-stop game play. It’s not healthy, as you know. I hope this helps! Let me know how it goes. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
So I just read your conversation with Lucian the Wolf and noticed you said you have multiple personalities.... I don't know if you meant that or if it was a joke, but I do and well I need some advice. My other personality ... her name is Jade and she scares me ... a lot. That's not really my problem though; my problem is I don't know whether or not to tell my mom about her because I'm afraid she won't believe me.... Jade isn't a problem for me unless she does something to mess with my life, which she doesn't really ever do.... You are one of the few people I have opened up to about this only because I need help and you seem like the kind of person who can.... Thanks. Sincerely, Anonymous * * * Hi, Anonymous, Well, it was actually a joke in that case, but what you're experiencing is not a joke. Have you approached a professional psychologist about this? Papabear * * * No... the only reason is because it isn't that bad of a case... * * * Hi, again, Even so, it is something you should consider, especially since you said that Jade "scares" you, which is not good. In the meantime, in order to help you (and, remember, I am not a trained psychologist or psychiatrist), please tell me more about your situation. When did you first start hearing from Jade? Under what circumstances does she make an appearance? You seem to indicate, in one line, that she can cause trouble, but in the next you say she doesn't. I need more examples of what is happening. Can you control Jade at all? Or is she beyond your control. Does she have an appearance or is she just a voice? Papabear * * * Papabear, Jade does scare me but it's only cause she didn't start doing things until I was in 6th grade and I'm not used to it.... Usually she comes out when I'm being harmed or if I get really angry, hurt, stressed, etc. She does cause trouble but it's nothing I can't hide. Depending on the circumstances I usually can control her, but sometimes she controls me. And I can tell you this that I know.... she is definitely NOT just a voice.... * * * Could you tell me about your family, school, and social life? * * * Well my parents are divorced and I have been through a few stepmoms who always made my dad beat me.... Also he kept me and my real brother from our mom until I was like 6. When I was in elementary school everything was fine, but then I was transferred and at a new school when I went into 5th grade.... I was ignored most of that year and also bullied.... The bullying didn't stop there, though. All through middle school I was bullied with very few friends. In 8th grade I was pushed to the point that I was ready to commit suicide. Things at home had gotten better especially after my dad met his new wife. But now since my dad can't hit me physically he does it emotionally, along with the rest of my family. Well, all except my real mom. In 9th grade I fell in love with someone but he moved shortly after and I haven't heard from him since. Currently, I am living with my mom now and will be going to a new school this year and I am terrified.... I have a bf who will be going to the same school, though, so I will be okay. I have told him about Jade, especially after he met her. He accepts me and still loves me all the same, which I find is a very good thing for me. * * * Thanks for confirming what I suspected: you've had a traumatic childhood and have been abused and bullied. It therefore makes sense that Jade has appeared. Jade is an aspect of your own spirit, and she appears in order to try to protect you, especially when you are angry or hurt. Sometimes, when the hurt is bearable, you can control her; other times, when it is worse, you can't control her, I would suspect. Trying to control the symptom of your problem (Jade) will not work in getting her to go away. You need to treat the cause of the problem, which is the abuse you are getting. Once you have stabilized your life and gained control of your own destiny, and once you have eliminated abusive, negative people in your life and have managed to surround yourself with loving, caring people, Jade will disappear. Make sense? Papabear * * * Papabear, It actually makes perfect sense... I don't know why I didn't think of that. Thank you so much. It also explains why she hasn't been out much... Ever since I left my dad's house to visit my mom (that's how it started then I ended up moving in with her) she hasn't appeared more then twice. You have helped me so much thank you a thousand and 41 times... Dear Papa Bear,
As always, the words "thank you" cannot express how grateful myself and many others are to you for reading our letters and giving us some wise advice. :) I have a shorter but important question today. This came up because relatively recently an online friend of mine has been having a rough time lately. One night, he expressed suicidal thoughts and desires (as I am sure many, if not all of us have felt at one point or another). Unfortunately, he logged off right afterwards, not giving me a chance to talk to him at all. So, naturally I feared the worst. Anyway, he came back online the next day like nothing happened. It just made me think about a lot of things. In person, you can actually /do things/. You can set a suicide watch, call the police, give hugs, all sorts of things. Perhaps this next part sounds a bit selfish of me, but it wouldn't bother me if I didn't care. The internet allows you to, with relative anonymity, dump all your problems and some vague feeling of responsibility onto a stranger and then vanish. If this friend hadn't come back, in a year I would still be wondering if he was still alive, or if I had made a mistake somewhere. It is just a situation where I feel like I do have some sort of responsibility, but very little actual influence over /anything/. I guess there wasn't really a question in there, but what can we do if these sorts of things happen? Can we call the police and say "Hello. I am afraid my friend W******0 means to harm himself"? Braelyn (age 26) * * * Dear Braelyn, This is an important question, and thank you for posing it. The issue here, essentially, is how do you handle a call for help when all you know of the other person is his/her contact name on a social media site or on a chat page. What are your responsibilities in this situation, morally and legally? Legally, you are under no obligation to report them to police, social services, help lines, or whatever. Morally, one should assume that this person is in trouble, even though it is very true (and I have LOTS of personal experience in this area) that there are a lot of drama queens and trolls out there who really aren’t seriously considering suicide and are just looking for attention or, worse, trying to deliberately upset you. Let’s assume, though, as we should, that this is a very real cry for help. The police, obviously, do not have time to track down people on social media, find their contact information, and try to rush out an officer or social worker to a place that is, most likely, not even in the same jurisdiction as you are. You could call one of the many suicide help lines out there, but you would run into the same problem as you would with police. Just for the record and on general principles, here’s a good article to read when you are dealing with a potentially suicidal person: http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-to-do-when-you-think-someone-is-suicidal/0007461. Back to social media. I have a lot of problems with Facebook, but I do approve of them for having this on their website: https://www.facebook.com/help/contact/?id=305410456169423. You can fill in that form, providing the username, and hopefully they can look into it for you. If it is a Twitter account, go to https://support.twitter.com/articles/20170313-dealing-with-self-harm-and-suicide. Wordpress? Read this page: http://en.support.wordpress.com/report-blogs/. Tumblr: Contact the troubled person and send them this link: http://youmatterlifeline.tumblr.com/ FurAffinity: http://www.furaffinity.net/controls/troubletickets/. And, same with other furry sites: try to contact admins. And, in general, you can reply to their IMs and send them this link: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. After you have taken the trouble to get them some assistance, if they don’t contact you again, then let it go. There is nothing more you can do. If they do contact you and, as in your experience, act as if nothing happened and everything is hunky dory, I would then gently inquire if they are all right. Chances are they will say something like “I was just having a bad day.” If that’s the case, then know you have a drama queen on your hands and keep that in mind for future correspondence. If they say something snarky like, “LOL, got you all worried, didn’t I?” Then you have a troll on your hands and I would block such a person. Hope that answers your question, Braelyn! Papabear Papabear,
I'm nearly 25 years old; I've known that I am gay since I was 16. I'm still a virgin. This has plagued my self-esteem for years. I spent a lot of time wondering if guys would hear this fact and think, "Oh, nobody has ever slept with him? There must be something wrong with him. Time to skedaddle!" I'm not very attractive, I spend most of my day writing code designed to hack programs running on other peoples' computers, then sharing this code with the people who maintain said programs so they can fix it. I don't get out much as a result. (And there isn't much tolerance for homosexuals and furries in the world of information security.) According to a 2006 document issued by the US CDC (Center for Disease Control, not Cult of the Dead Cow), 96% of people have had at least one sexual encounter at the age of 20. It's also known that the average age of losing one's virginity is 16.9 for males and 17.4 for females. If we use these two points and assume a bell curve (because no further research has been done), age 25 marks 6 standard deviations from the average. Recently, one of my friends showed me the Elliot Rodger manifesto video, where he decried his own virginity before killing many innocent people. Now I stare in the mirror and wonder if I'm the same kind of monster somewhere deep inside. Maybe, on some level, everyone sees that in me and that's why nobody gives me the time of day. Should I keep holding onto the fantasy of ever finding a loving relationship with another (furry) man that is unlikely to ever happen? Anonymous * * * Hello, Anonymous, The central question here is why do you think you are still a virgin? Just in your short letter, I can think of a couple reasons. First of all, you lack confidence in your appearance. You say you are not very attractive. Who says? By whose standards? Don’t go by what’s on TV or in fashion magazines, and don’t think that all people (men or women) are so shallow that they only go by looks, and don’t forget about tastes. You might be surprised by how attractive you could be to some guys out there. I’m guessing perhaps you are overweight, for example. There are a lot of gay guys out there who like their men chubby. True beauty, to use the cliché, comes from within, and when you have confidence in yourself that comes out in very attractive ways to those around you. Problem two is what you do for a living for two reasons: 1) you “don’t get out much,” so how the heck are you going to meet anyone if you don’t get out?, but 2) could be more important, depending on what you mean by your job. When I first read it, it sounded like you were a hacker who writes malicious code and then sells fixes to other unethical people. If that’s the case, then you have what I consider a serious character flaw that could wash over into your personal life, making you less than desirable as a mate. However, re-reading it, it could be that you are writing code to show companies what vulnerabilities their programs have so that they can write patches to prevent future hacking. If that is the case, then you’re doing a good thing and no worries there. I just wasn't sure by the short description which of these it was. I find your observation that “in the world of information security” furries and LGBT people are not very welcome to be puzzling. Why would they care? You’re a bunch of people sitting at computers writing code. Why would the subject even come up? You have a very analytical mind, as evidenced by your citing stats from the CDC. I suggest you are overthinking this, freaking yourself out and creating an infinite loop that results in a self-fulfilling prophecy: “I haven’t had sex yet, so people will hate that I’m a virgin, so they won’t want to have sex with me, so I haven’t had sex yet, so people ....” Instead of obsessing about the sexual aspect, stop putting the cart before the horse and think about relationships. What you need to do is get out of your office, away from the computer, and meet people. Establish friendships and, hopefully, one will blossom into more than that, which will then lead to sex. If you are taking the opposite approach (“I want sex and then, maybe, a relationship”) you will end up sabotaging possible relationships before they even get started. That kind of attitude is a real turn-off for many. Not to advocate illegal behavior, but if you just want sex, there are ways to do that with some cash. Did I hear a “Ewww”? Hope so. As for Elliot Rodger—do you seriously feel you might flip out and kill people because you’re a virgin? If so, please seek counseling right away. My guess, though, is that it won’t come to that and that you realize Rodger had some serious mental issues. Just because you’re upset over being a virgin will not, in itself, make you homicidal. Rodger was already mentally unbalanced. The jealousy thing over other people’s happiness was just a trigger that shot off an already loaded gun. What you need is a new mindset. Stop saying things like love (or sex) for you is a “fantasy,” stop saying that you are homely, stop thinking negative things about yourself. The more you do that, the more you dig yourself into a hole. If you wish to improve your life, start looking at the positive things about you: you’re obviously smart since you can write complex code, you have a job (which is more than I can say for a lot of people out there), and you want something better for yourself, so you’re not complacent. Make up a list of positive things you like about yourself. Seriously, write them down. Then post this list somewhere prominent where you will always see it (like next to your computer). Then, whenever you hear yourself putting yourself down, immediately shut up and substitute that negative thought for one of the positive things on your list. Repeat it three times, such as "I'm a smart person, I'm a smart person, I'm a smart person." Repetition will help form pathways in your brain that will become part of your psyche with practice. Next, start taking care of yourself. Go out and get yourself some nice clothes (not necessarily expensive, just nice, so I don’t mean logoed T-shirts and worn jeans). Go to a salon and give yourself a good treatment of hair styling (ask for suggestions from the stylist), shaving, even pedi- and manicure. This might sound shallow, but how a person grooms him- or herself and dresses is a reflection of how they feel about themselves inside (also true for fursuiters, if you think of it, hmm). Furthermore, take care of yourself physically. Eat healthy foods, exercise, and get a good eight hours’ sleep every night. Feeling good and being healthy go a long way toward making yourself feel more confident. Most of us (except for the rich) can’t do anything about, say, a big nose or a weak chin without plastic surgery, but you can do a lot of things to counter that. Look at, for example, Quentin Tarantino (who leaps to mind). Not a very classically attractive person, but clean him up and put on a nice suit and he looks good. Part of looking good is his self-confidence; he knows he is talented, and it shows in his demeanor. Finally, give yourself a break. Relax, don’t obsess. I didn’t have my first sexual experience until I was 21, which is much later than the "average" in the stats you wrote down. And because I waited it was with someone who became the first love of my life. Everyone is different. Statistics are heartless figures that should not be used as barometers for our own lives. You are an individual, not a statistic. It will happen when it happens, but you can do a lot to increase the likelihood of it happening if you step away from the computer and treat yourself better. I Wish You Happiness, Papabear Oh, Papa Bear,
I'm having some real trouble lately. In the past 24 hours I've had to talk two people down from suicide and now one’s gone and said good-bye. I don't know if he killed himself or not; no one can get a hold of him, and since he lives in another country I don't know how to alert anyone around him to it. I was finally beginning to drag myself out of depression and suicidal thoughts myself, but all this is wearing me down. I feel selfish for feeling this way, for wishing I had never met them so I would never have to deal with potentially loosing them. I feel sick and confused and like everyone around me is crumbling, I don't know what to do. I'm loosing sleep and spend a lot of my time crying now but I can't just abandon them. What do people do when they have so many people coming to them as one of their last resorts? How do people handle this? I just ... I really want to know if I should keep chugging along or not. Every week someone is threatening their life and it's so scary and painful. I don't want my friends to feel like this. Anonymous * * * Hi, Good-hearted Person, First of all, if you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to speak with a professional. I hope you have done so. If not, search for “suicide hotline” and you will find several services to help you for free. Secondly, if you are getting messages on a weekly basis from different people threatening suicide, I really have to wonder with whom you are associating. Did you join some group of depressed people? If so, that is really something you should avoid given your vulnerable state. As someone who is not very stable herself emotionally, you are the last person who should be trying to help others with their depression. Seek help for yourself first. Then, maybe later, much later, when you feel you can handle it, you might want to talk to people in, say, a group therapy session. Another thing you need to watch out for is drama queens. This might sound like an awful thing for me to say, but I have come across many people who threaten suicide as a pathetic bid for attention. I even had one person call me and tell me he was in the hospital for a triple bypass and he didn’t think he was going to survive so he was calling to say farewell. Turned out to be a big fat lie and he wasn’t sick at all. Sweetie, it is not the people who threaten suicide out loud who are the one’s at risk, usually. More typically, it is the people who say nothing and, suddenly, they are dead. In fact, often, a person who is suicidal will seem the happiest and calmest just before they kill themselves. Why? Because they have reached a decision to commit suicide and that decision gives them peace. But there are, indeed, signs to look out for in the truly suicidal. See here: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/10/08/common-signs-of-someone-who-may-be-suicidal/ for some information. While it is great that you want to help others, doing so has had a very bad impact on your well being, and I would recommend you not try to counsel such people at this time. As for anyone who has already contacted you about this, you should try to contact their friends and family to alert them. This might be hard for your foreign friend, but there is only so much you can do. Again, it's great that you care, but think of it this way: would you want a surgeon with a nervous condition that makes his hand tremble operating on you? Of course not. For the same reason, you should not be counseling suicidal people. Take care of yourself first. This is not a selfish thing; it is the wise thing to do. Hugs, Papabear * * * Hi Papa Bear, thank you for replying to me so quickly, and I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. I've been in therapy for a while now, but I've scheduled my appointments a little more frequently. I've also taken your advice and taken a step back from my more troubled friends. I'm not too sure why I end up being friends with so many suicidal people, I guess it's just my personality or something. I still talk to them, but our conversations are now more friendly and bright! :) I've gone from weekly suicide threats to helping only two people get a better view on life. I'm so much less stressed and worried myself now, I had no idea how much dealing with all that could bring me down and hurt me. So thank you again! My life's gotten a lot easier now that I've started focusing on my recovery the most. Hi Papa Bear!
My question for you has to do with how I've been feeling recently but a little backstory is in order. For most of my school life I was alone, I really didn't have people I could call friends and was very isolated. All of my family is pretty much gone too aside from my mom... When I hit high school I was welcomed into a large (about 15) band of folks and stayed with them for all of high school. We were all very very close. We actually dated each other quite often but in a way we were all just one big group... It is hard to explain... Fast forward to college. Most of us went to the same place but it was the beginning of the drifting, some of my friends left. A few years go on and more move on, some I got into very bad fights with... Present day all I have left is 2 from my old high school days, my mate, and two close friends I made in the furry world. Basically I've been having this overwhelming sense of loneliness. There are times I'll just be sitting on my bed and I'll just cry and it always comes back to being lonely. It's been getting even worse with an upcoming move I'm having to make, my current job is becoming really bad and I can't make money so I'm having to leave and not only leave my few friends, but my mate as well. We will be almost 3 hours away and I will just be by myself mostly. Thing is if we don't do this we won't be able to support ourselves any longer. I'm just so... scared. I don't want to be sad, is there anything I can do to help this? I've been talking to my mate but it's hard for him to grasp, he's always had others, like his large family (he has one of those large Georgian families that have reunions of 50+ folks), I've never even had a reunion of any sort involving my own pieces of family. I know one thing I plan to do is reach out to the local fur groups to the new place I'm moving to. And when I eventually meet up with my mate in Athens I will have some friends there too. I do try some online friendships but I tend to have a problem with keeping them as the other party always expect me to talk to them and they never message me, shouldn't these things work both ways? I just don't know if I be able to push past these feelings. Heck just writing this is making me tear up a little. Any advice you have for me would be wonderful Papa Bear. Thanks. :D A Lonely Dragoness (age 22) * * * Dear Dragoness, It’s very common for friends to drift into and out of your life over time. It is one of the things about growing up. Of the friends I had when I was young, I only keep in touch with one these days. Right now, you are in a bit of a lull in your life as you transition from the school years to the working adult years, and, again, that is very common. Instead of lamenting the friends who have wandered away and with whom you have lost touch, start looking at the glass half full: you are moving to a new place and a new job where you will meet new people, all of whom are potential new friends. You’re doing the right thing reaching out to furs in your new area, good for you! As for your mate, a couple things: 1) it sounds as though you will be reunited? You say you will “eventually meet up with my mate in Athens,” which sounds like you will get together again, so the parting is not permanent, which is great! 2) you say he has a large family—is there any chance that his family accepts and cares about you and that they could become your extended family? I come from a very small family myself. All I have left is my mom, my sister, and an uncle and his wife. In my first marriage I immediately got an extended family, most especially my very kind mother-in-law; now with my new mate, Yogi, I have yet another new mom, father, and a very generous and kind older brother. Reach out to your mate’s family for additional love and support. I hope you can do that! His family should be yours, too! Don’t limit yourself to just furry friends, of course. You should always make yourself open to new friendship possibilities, because they can be unpredictable. For instance, I met a guy at a now-closed piano bar in Palm Springs; he was playing piano and Yogi and I enjoyed listening to him. Turns out he gives lessons; and I’ve always wanted to learn how to play, so last year I contacted him and he is now my piano teacher, but more than that—he’s a REALLY nice person and we’ve become friends, as well. The supers at my old apartment building have also become good friends to both me and Yogi. So, you never know when or where a new friend will turn up. In school, in a structured atmosphere of classes and extracurricular activities, it can be easier to become part of a social group. They practically form themselves in schools. You were lucky to have one and not be tossed to the outside like I was, so be happy for those memories. Maybe, too, if you tried, you could bring some of those old friends back to you, who knows? But, if that’s not possible, don’t eat yourself up over it. You can cry buckets of tears for a faded past, but it will not do you any good, and you know it. It’s time to stop crying and to stop worrying and look forward to the next chapter of your life. Concentrate on your plans for the new job, on your moving arrangements. Do research on what things there are to do in the new area you’ll be living in. Contact the furries and new coworkers who live there. Ask them where they go to eat, what they do for entertainment. Tell them you look forward to seeing them and hope you can do some fun things together. By doing this, you can quickly become so busy planning that you will have no time for tears. At this point, quiet time for reflection is your enemy; fill your hours with activity until you get through this transitional phase and are firmly implanted in the new one. Oh, and when you DO move, don't forget those two friends of yours who have been sticking by you all these years. Don't do to them what your other friends did to you! Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I'm a 21 year old male and I have 5 imaginary friends. I talk to them every night before I go to bed. I use to be depressed (it's gone now) and would think about suicide but they (my imaginary friends) would tell me not to think like that and give me reasons why I should live. I don't have a lot of friends and for instance if I was playing basketball by myself I would pretend they are playing along with me. I know they are not real but I like talking to them. Like I said before, I don't have a lot of friends and talking to them takes the loneliness away). So my question to you is do you think having 5 imaginary friends and being 21 is bad for me mentally? G * * * Hi, G, I would only be concerned about you if you said that the five friends who live in your head were real or if they were telling you to do things that were hurtful to you or others. You describe them repeatedly as “imaginary,” as well as helpful, so, therefore, you are not crazy. Many people have imaginary friends in their lives, although they usually imagine them when they are children, not 21-year-olds. But let’s consider this, as well: a lot of people would say that believing that Jesus Christ or the Holy Spirit is watching over you is just as imaginary as having pretend playmates or companions. Or, look at people like me, who believe that they have guiding spirits in their lives who help them survive the vicissitudes of our existence. These things could be considered equally, if not more, crazy than your imaginary buddies. It’s all a matter of perspective, you see. In a more quotidian example, many people in this country feel very close friendships to people they see on the television, especially on TV series. For lonely people, these characters become comforting, reassuring presences in their lives. Or look at the recent movie “Her,” about a man who falls in love with a talking operating system. The thing is, G, we all need companionship; it is a very human need. And, when we find ourselves living alone or in isolation and unable to connect, the human mind and spirit will do what it can to cope with that situation. Your invention of five friends is your method of coping, and it clearly works for you. As long as you have a healthy perception of the real world (know what is real and what is not) you’ll be fine. Hugs, Papabear Hi there papa bear, it’s been a while since last we talked.
I just wanted to talk and let this out to someone. For a while I've been going through a lot of problems, money troubles, second thoughts about school, I just couldn't think of what to do. All the problems just came crashing down on me and I just broke down on myself. I wasn't ready for any of this... for college... being away from home... or just the real world in general. I wasn't ready for the reality of being on my own... and I still don't know what to do. I tell myself that I shouldn't give up when I'm so close to graduating but I'm still scared, I don't understand anything in the classes no matter how hard I try with the teacher's help. I always feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life even more because I did make a mistake because the one class I wanted to do wasn't even what I wanted. I'm a writer and I can't do any of this game design stuff. But I don't want to let my mom who's struggled so much down. I don't want to disappoint everyone who wanted me to be here... I'm just so scared. I'm sorry to put all of that out on you. Thank you for listening papa bear. You don't have to answer this either. I just had to let it all out. Kageichi (age 19) * * * Hi, Kageichi, It’s good to let things out, and I know you said I don’t have to respond, but indulge the old bear. I’m writing because I have been exactly where you are now, and it was the most terrified I had ever been in my life up to that point. I wasn’t really prepared for college, you see. Not so much the academic end of it (although that was true, too), but just the entire experience of being away from home and being on my own. I went from a easygoing high school in a small town to being dumped into the academic anonymity of a huge university (University of Michigan). Never had I felt like such a faceless number in my life. I felt so alone and friendless; the classes they put me in were a nightmare (a huge lecture hall for a calculus class taught by a Chinese professor with a thick accent, a German class taught by an Indonesian, and an English literature class taught by a pompous professor who liked to show off how well he spoke Greek). I was thrust into a dorm room with two guys I didn’t know or like very much. Soon, I was failing my classes and scared to death. You might have read one of my columns where I mention my suicide attempt? Well, this is where it happened. I felt like no one understood how alone I felt, I was terrified that I was failing classes and, consequently, failing my parents. I felt so trapped that the only escape, I thought, was to kill myself, and I almost succeeded. Let me relate another story—this one is about my sister. She was pressured into taking business classes at Michigan by my father, who didn’t understand her love for biology. She hated all of it, especially her peers who seemed to care about nothing except making money. One semester away from getting her bachelor’s degree, she fled. Up and left. Sent my parents a telegram that she was going West, that she was fine, and to leave her alone. She never spoke to my father again, though quickly reconnected with my mother after my parents divorced. After working a number of odd jobs, she went back to college and now has a doctorate in biology. There you have it: two cases where kids were so terrified about what their parents thought that it destroyed a family and almost resulted in death. I’m hoping nothing so extreme is running through your mind. I write to you about me and my sister to point out that life is not about pleasing your parents; life should be about doing what is right for you, and only you know what that is. It sounds to me that you are either in the wrong school or taking the wrong courses or both. You don’t belong in a game design class, clearly, and should be majoring in English or journalism or something related to that. Kageichi, take a deep breath and relax. Talk to a class/career counselor at your school. Perhaps even consider going to a different school. Now’s the time, before you become too heavily invested in the course you are now on (like my sister wasting three and a half years of her studies) you really need to reassess and renavigate. You might lose a semester now, but better to lose a little time than a lot of time. One of the biggest regrets many people have in their lives when they are older is not studying and preparing for what they really wanted to do with their careers when they were young. You feel like you “made the biggest mistake” of your life? Well, not yet you haven’t. You have not committed too much time at this point, and you still can redirect your life and do what you really want to do. At age 19 you can’t be too far into your college studies. Many people (in fact, most people) I know changed their majors at least once within the first two years of school. You can do that now. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Decide where you want to be 5 or 10 years from now and then create a plan of action to make that happen. Hope that helps. Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have been on a tough road as far as finding employment for a while now, and as such the family that has taken me in to live with them. It has been about 6 months since then and still no job, so I've been told by one of my family members that if I didn't get one by this May, I'd be kicked out and sent to a homeless shelter. I'm slowly beginning to believe that may come to pass, despite my current efforts at filling out application after application. If it should truly come to that, I briefly considered overdosing on my naproxen to just end this frustration once and for all. Would it truly still be worth it to keep hope and faith alive with such a looming threat hanging over my head? Anonymous (age 30, St. Louis, MO) * * * Dear Anonymous, Your letter makes the bear sad. I can see why you would be depressed, but being unemployed and having an unsupportive family are not the worst things in life and certainly not worth killing yourself over. I’m sorry your family is treating you this way. If I had a family member who was in need of my help, I would welcome them into my home and try to help them for however long it took until they were back on their feet. That is what real family does. Do all of your family members feel this way? If not, talk to the ones who don’t and persuade them to be on your side on this, then team up with them to make your case with the naysayers to let you stay there for now. It seems to me that as long as you are making a concerted effort to find work, you should be allowed to stay. If the problem is they are having a hard time with money, there are things you can do about that. If you haven’t already, you can probably pay for much of your own food by applying for government food assistance. Go here to learn more about that. Are you getting unemployment? Certainly you should be, if you are not, go here. You can also offer to help around the house as much as possible, if you haven’t done that already. Doing chores, watching the kids, yard work, handyman projects, anything you can do like that will not only show you are supporting the family but will also save them money. Make yourself a valuable member of the family and see if that will turn things around for you. Meanwhile, the job search. You don’t say much about your job history, how you became unemployed, etc., so I am just shooting in the dark here. Now, if the following is the case, you are in great luck: if you were laid off from any of these companies in the St. Louis area, you can get free training and employment help: Hostess, Yellow Pages, Mars, Faurecia, CPI, Energizer, ATK, Climax Packaging, Thyssen Krupp, Sanofi-Aventis, or American Italian Pasta Company. If so, go here and contact the SLATE Missouri Career Center. SLATE stands for the St. Louis Agency on Training and Employment. Contact them, even if you didn’t work for any of the above, and they should be able to point you in the right direction, including career counseling and possibilities for further education, if needed. While that’s going on, don’t forget to network. Contact and talk to every friend and relative you have, tell them what you are looking for, and see if they might give you some leads. Learn to market yourself. You can start doing so cheaply by starting a professional Facebook page (note: that’s different from your personal page), and getting some free business cards from Vistaprint.com. You can even start a very low-cost business website with such services as GoDaddy.com or Weebly.com to promote yourself. You don’t say what your skills are, but you might try using whatever skills you have to be a freelancer like yours truly. Sometimes you don’t even have to have any particular skills, just be a hard worker and well-organized. For example, I have a friend in the valley who is a professional errand-runner. He does pretty much anything you need: fetching groceries, house sitting, pet sitting, shuttle service to the airport, getting your dry cleaning, anything you like. Yogi and I hired him to take us to the airport and then watch our house while we were in New York, for example. Depending on your resources and, again, skills, you can do most anything if you are good at marketing yourself. Here’s a helpful article on the subject. These days, more and more people are becoming freelancers and starting businesses in their homes because they’ve been screwed over by corporate America. You could be one of those people! Er, the successful freelance type, not the screwed over type :-P There are many possibilities for you, dear furiend, if you put your mind and energy to them. Please put dire thoughts of suicide aside. If you can’t, please seek help right away. The national suicide prevention hotline can help you online and for free—they are just a click away. As long as there is life, there is hope. And there is hope for you. You have only been unemployed for six months. There are people out there who have been jobless for years, but they are still trying. Don’t give up and you will eventually, inevitably, find work again. Write again, please, if you need more help. Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, Thank you so very much for responding to my letter. I needed someone else to talk to and you did make me feel a little better. I realized shortly after I wrote the letter that I didn't actually fully convey or be more elaborate with the details of what is going on with me currently and I'm sorry for that. As far as my living sitaution, my two family members ( my cousins, mostly one of them ) I have a pretty tenuous relationship with stemming from the fact that she didn't want me to stay with them in the first place seeing as I'm a grown man and I'm not gravely disabled on anything. My other cousin is more laid back and was the one who convinced the other to allow me to move in with them. I can understand where they're coming from having another person seemingly barging into their lives and a young guy no less (they're in their early 60s). One is retired and the other is still working planning her own retirement in a few more years. I do have food stamps actually. I reapplied for them a couple months ago, I can't receive unemployment was due to the fact that I worked under a company that was non-profit. I worked at a former military record center as a custodian from Sept. 2003 to Dec. 2012. I was let go due to the fact that I had spent too long off work to care for my aunt who was suffering from cancer before she died in mid-August last year. I'm also receiving job assistance from a career placement agency. I don't have many family members or anyone else close to me to refer to about jobs except for a couple more cousins and I dont have any other special skills yet I believe I have a decent work ethic along with considerable people skills. In the meantime, I clean the kitchen and dispose of the trash as well as straighten out my basement room and bathroom. Sorry for the long letter here and thank you again for listening. I try to keep looking on the bright side of things. Hugs, Anonymous * * * Hello, again, Glad I could ease your mind a little bit. Permit me to comment a bit on your second letter because some of this may benefit my readers. First of all, it doesn't matter whether you work for a for-profit or nonprofit company or organization. If you are fired, you can collect federal unemployment assistance. I recommend you apply for it as soon as possible. I don't know who told you that you couldn't get unemployment, but they were dead wrong. Secondly (and, again, I don't know enough details here), in most cases, companies are legally required to try to work with you if you are caring for a terminally ill family member before they fire you. Depending on the job, they can offer you more flexible hours, the chance to work at home, or unpaid time off. Now, the law does not put too much burden on companies, if they can make a case that this would cost them too much money or they are unable to adjust staffing to accommodate you. But, some effort could have been made before firing you, I believe. Depending on circumstances, it might be worth your time to consult an attorney about this. At least, keep it in mind for future reference. It's good you help around the house, but, seeing as you are unemployed, I suggest you do more than clean the kitchen and keep your room and bathroom clean. If it were me in your situation, I would be cleaning the entire house and yard and running errands for my hosts. You're thirty years old and they're in their sixties and one of them still works; I'm sure you have a lot more time and energy on your hands then they do, so use it to ingratiate yourself to them. If you are lacking nearby friends and relatives for networking opportunities, try contacting former coworkers. Check the newspaper for local business gatherings. You might try--if you can afford to--joining the local chamber of commerce or other local business group. Oh, and when it comes to applying for a job, don't say, "I have a decent work ethic along with considerable people skills." Everybody says that, and it will get you nowhere fast. You need some skills, so now's the time to get some. Talk to the unemployment office or an employment agency about free or low-cost training opportunities in your area. Glad you no longer sound suicidal!!!! Good luck!!! Papabear |
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An excellent article on coming out LGBT to Christian parents.
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