Hi, Papabear. 

I've been a lurker on this website for a year, circa. I've never written you, my issues have just seemed too insignificant, but now, I really need an ear. This isn't furry related, I'm sorry about that, but... 

If you decide to post this on your website, I'm going to say this to readers- please don't read if you're contemplating suicide, or you're simply sensitive to the topic.

This letter's going to be a little hard for me to write, and a little hard for you to read, so I am just going to dump it on everyone from the beginning. 

On the night before this letter was written, my friend's father committed suicide. 

Now that you know the gist, I'm going to go into detail, trying to be as unemotional about it as possible. Only the facts.

This friend and I are very close. We're also neighbors, she lives right across from me, so I often hang out at her house. We've been through a lot together. I brought her into the fandom (she's a sassy Siamese), we've shared classes and done work together.. Let's call this friend Carly, I guess. 

Yesterday started out normal. It was Sunday, so I shot her a text in the morning, just a simple greeting and a joke. Got up, worked on some homework I procrastinated on, groaned because I'm pretty sure I missed half the math problems, drew and listened to music, cooked some, it was all normal, right? Everything was going alright. 

Until I saw the cop cars. 

My father came into my room and told me there were cop cars, four of them, located in Carly's driveway. I'll be the first to admit I don't have the best attitude when it comes to cops. My first thought was, 'Someone's getting arrested, maybe there was a mistake, maybe they're key witnesses to something, maybe they're bored and hauled a bunch of cops over here for some petty reason, they're gonna take someone away...' Even with some of the things I thought of, my parents said I was exaggerating. The things I thought of didn't even touch what really happened. There was no ambulance, so I assumed nobody got hurt. 

So, after some pacing and worrying, I calmed down and drew some more. 

My phone buzzed. I knew that notification sound, it was the messenger I only used with Carly. 

I opened that messenger up, and my heart stopped. 

"Syntax, my dad committed suicide." (She didn't actually use Syntax, but you know.) 

Five simple words. 

I knew her father. He'd laugh whenever I accidentally passed out overnight at their house. I'd help him prepare meals. I liked him. If I had to choose a second father out of fathers I knew, it would be him. 

So, those five words left me a crying mess for the night. My parents tried to cheer me up, but I wouldn't take it, I just curled up and drew, wrote, anything to escape. I couldn't do anymore schoolwork. 

Now, to the day I'm writing this letter. I slept horribly. I did text Carly that my family and I are here for her, always and forever, that our door is never closed to her. She's clammed up, understandably. In the phases of grief, she's probably still numb. 

I skipped school today. I do feel guilty about skipping school because someone else's father committed suicide, as if I was just using it as an excuse. I've been crying most of the morning, it took a lot to get up and do something. Eating and drinking made me feel like I was going to puke. I just feel terrible, over someone else's father! 

I really am angry at everything at this moment. Carly's father, especially. Damn him for leaving three children behind. I'm not even going to apologize for my language, that man deserves more harsher words than the English language has. Carly's mother left him, and Carly hates her mother, so in a way, she has no parents. Damn that man, how dare he call himself a father? Damn school, I'm going to have to return to it tomorrow, and I still must work, even in the face of all of this. Can't time just stop for a second and let me breathe? 
I've tried extending a hand to Carly. She's clammed up, but I extended it anyway. I just really wish I could hug and support her, but I don't think she'll let me, and that stings. 

Even as I write this, time's blurred, the colors of my room seem a little darker. My head's cloudy. I did nothing but lie in bed for fourteen hours, probably slept some of that, so I think that cloudy head is from mourning and oversleeping. 

My question is, where do I go from here? How do I live on when something like this is facing me? 

I hurt for my friend, hell, I hurt for myself. It's terrible. The world's terrible, and it's hard to comprehend how it's still spinning. Since Carly only had her father, she's probably going away. Close family may be able to come over and look after everyone, but chances are she's going to go to a completely new environment, with new parental figures, and I'm extremely worried for her. She's not the most mentally stable, and has considered suicide many times. Will this be the last straw? Please, help. Say anything, anything at all, I need to hear something. 

Your raven in mourning,
Syntax (age 15)

* * *
 
Dear Syntax,
 
My sympathies to you and to “Carly” and her family. I understand completely what you are feeling. When I attempted my suicide, my mother was very angry at me for a long time. I didn’t understand at first, but I do now. To the survivors, it feels as if the person doesn’t give a damn about his or her loved ones. It seems like a slap in the face. As you noted, Carly’s dad leaves a family behind and has taken away so much from them.

But please note this.

Depression (and the suicides that sometimes result as a consequence) is an illness. When people are severely depressed, they don’t think rationally. The days before I tried it (actually, I tried twice), it was like I was a zombie, living in a hazy dream. I didn’t do my school work, I didn’t talk to people, it was truly bizarre. I was legitimately out of my mind at that time.

I’m not sure what led to Carly’s father’s suicide, but I’m sure the decision didn’t come on a whim; he must have been struggling for some period of time. It’s very sad no one noticed and he didn’t get help, but that’s academic now. Some people are very good at hiding it (I was, too, and it completely took my family by surprise), so, please, no pointing fingers as to who is to blame for missing the signals.

Also, don’t feel weird that you are in shock and it is affecting your life. As you said, you are close to Carly and you liked her father, so it is logical to be in mourning, too. Just because it wasn’t your father doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt (you said he was like a second father, so, yes, that’s painful).

Moving on.....

Don’t just assume that Carly will rebuff any gesture on your part. I would, if I were you, begin with a nice gesture, such as sending her a thoughtful card (actually, buy one and drop it in the mailbox to expedite it, or just writer her a letter—and don’t send an ecard, send a real card or letter), and in the card write your heartfelt sympathies and emphasize that you are there for her to talk to. Ask her to email you or call you or text you when it is okay to come over and give her a hug and shoulder to cry on.

Something that concerns me deeply here is you mention Carly has also thought of suicide (this could be an indication of a genetic predisposition in the family). She needs some counseling. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255 and talk to one of their counselors, both for you and for Carly, and ask them for advice on how to proceed in this situation. They are there to help.

Life at these times can, indeed, seem dark. The most effective weapons against the darkness are love and kindness. If you wield them, you can survive this and most any other challenge.

Hugs,
Papabear

* * *

Dear Papa (again), 

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. 

I contacted the hotline, and the hotline told me to contact the school. The school has much more authoritative power than me, so I am sure they can handle making sure Carly gets proper counseling and assistance. I am uncomfortable leaving the health of my friends in hands I cannot see or control. Tomorrow morning, I will speak to them about Carly's thoughts and actions, and what's going on, so at least I have power over that. I will most likely request to know what they are going to do from here. 

You have a point about my unrelenting anger towards the father. What's gone is gone. I can point fingers all I want, I can point it at myself, but he's still dead. 

Somehow, I have managed to gather the energy to get out my schoolwork. Actually working on it is a whole other story, but I'm sure I can get it done. 

Thank you again,
Syntax

* * *

Hi, Syntax,

When it comes to something like this, I try to reply ASAP. 

A combination of help from school counselors and also your support for your friend is a good strategy. Did the online hotline do nothing other than refer you to the school counselor? That sounds a little disappointing. I might have to look into that and see if there aren't better hotlines out there.

I know it's hard to concentrate. I'm trying to do some work here myself, knowing that my dear friend's mother is suffering a brain hemorrhage and I can do nothing about it. I'd go see him, but I have a cold and am fearful of making him sick and making matters worse.

This is life, though. I could get all philosophical on you as to my beliefs as to why this goes on, but it wouldn't console you much. I hope you will be somewhat comforted by the fact that people do care about you and what you're going through.

Hugs,
pbear

​My mom and I moved out of our house and into an apartment. I really don't mind it, but my mom hates it she also works from home for costumer support and she hates her job. We also live near my dad and brother, which my mom hates, and again I really don't care. The problem is that she is always taking out on me and I hate it! We are always yelling at each other for stupid petty things! How can I get her to stop yelling at me?
 
Tuski (age 14)
 
* * *
 
Dear Tuski,
 
What is happening here is what psychologists call “displaced anger.” This means that other things are bothering your mother, and even though they have nothing to do with you and you didn’t do anything wrong, her anger needs an outlet and, unfortunately, you are it. Here’s an article about that.

The thing is, your mother probably doesn’t realize she’s doing it. She gets irritated because of her job and things that are happening in her family, and she probably tries to hold it in, but then the least little thing will set her off.

What you need to do is show your mother that she is exhibiting displaced anger. Tell her that you understand she is going through stuff and she is unhappy, but that you are on her side, so please don’t take it out on the daughter who is routing for you, Mom! This will, hopefully, wake her up to what’s happening. (Oh, and don’t use the argument “I’m okay with where we live and being near Dad, so what’s wrong with it?” because that will just make her defensive and more irritated). If she does wake up to the problem, you should see her attacks on you diminish significantly.

But she’ll still need an outlet of some kind other than you. Start doing some activities with your mother that will help relax her. This will both help with stress and with the mother-daughter bond. If you can afford to, take an exercise, yoga, or tai chi class together. Try to take her mind off things by doing a fun activity together, even if that is shopping, or just going to the park, or a cheap matinee.
​
Tuski, your mom is going through a rough spot and she needs your support. I know this will be hard, but to end this cycle you need to stop fighting back for a while, even if she yells at you. Just don’t react. Let her yell for a bit, and, when she stops, ask her if she is done yelling (very calmly). Then explain to her what I told you about displaced aggression and how you are trying to help her.

This might take a while and some effort on your part. The less you yell at her and the more you behave supportively, the more likely she will back off of you and see you as an ally and not a punching bag (using a real punching bag, by the way, is a great way to destress).

Hope that helps! Let me know how it goes!
​
Hugs,
Papabear

Hey there,

I am not very good expressing myself and English is not my mother tongue, so sorry for this letter may being a mess.

Well I don’t really know where to start or what exactly I want to ask.

I feel that until a few weeks ago, my life was a lie, I was wearing a mask, not being the person I am, just to please someone else.

When I was younger, I don’t remember my age then, signs were strong that I might be gay. I denied every sign, and made myself believe otherwise.

I did not wanted to give children in school another reason to pick on me, since as long as I can remember I was picked and hated by others just for being different. I read books and was in general interested in school, didn’t mind sports or all the "cool" TV shows everyone watched and expensive brands everyone has worn, I just didn't care.

After moving to an differnent city, I acted as cool one, at this time I realy hated gays and in general everyone. I made a few "friends" but yeah, the wrong kind.

We moved again, I started an job, and me still acting, fell into a deep depression.
A pit of self-denial, self-hatred and eating, I ate a lot.
On my 18. birthday my mom kicked me out, she couldn´t stand my depression any longer (Now I understand her and it was in my opinion the right thing for me)

I got a place for myself, and alone by myself I started feeling a little better. I didn´t had to act so much, but still depressed, on some days I couldn´t even get up.
Worst thing, I did not know why.

Then I met someone online, a friend, my best friend for the next 3 years.
I never told him from my depression, he was just there talking and playing games with me.

I decided to change, at this point he basically changed my life.
I started eating healthy, started doing sport, lost weight, found another job (i will start studying next year), accepted not being straight.
But still, I was living a lie, wearing a mask.
So, I tried to talk to him, about me, my feelings and all the stuff.
He didn´t care, in his opinion we weren’t even friends.

One day I had a mental breakdown, literally cried near him, I am happy I did not harm myself there. He blocked me, since when I am no fun, he wont play with me.
1 Month after not having any contact, he came to me and said HE would forgive ME for being like this, and we can play again, since he got bored.
I could never be myself near him, all I had to say, he didn´t care or "i should suck less".

It was realy an abusive "friendship", I was only there for his amusement. But I was attached so much I would say it was dangerous for me, mostly for my mental health.

1 month ago I put an end to this, I abandoned all contact. And since then I feel kinda free, being myself is so much more fun.
I can finally refer myself as an furry too, I was "kinda furry" since I was little.

I had kind of an "enlightenment" there.
My weak point is always trying to see the good in people, I despise humanity, but I love the individuals, I don’t want other people to feel like I felt, depressed, lonely, unloved...

I am yet not 100% sure about the real me, I still have to get "experience" there.

Downside is,
i am pretty lonely, I have no one and I feel like I cant make contact, I don’t know how, I never knew.
I would love to get known some people/friends/furs (mostly on the internet)
But I don’t know if I can, I am scared to find the wrong people, people using me again, people taking my kindness for their advantage.
If someone presents me sweet lies, I know I will buy them, I want to buy them, I want to see the good, I just cant stand the bad anymore.
I am scared that if I find another wrong friendship, it would "break."
All the scars inside can make you stronger, they sure did for me, but I am scared of an limit.

I kinda still act, no one I don’t know sees this side from me. I wont let them see, but I see nothing wrong there at least, hard shell, soft core I think, but what I wish for is someone who says he wont go, just an arm around me, some human warmth. 
It sounds silly but if someone someday lays his arm around me, I will cry.

Thanks for reading that mess,
maybe I just wanted to get rid of these words.

Best regards,
another yet lonely wolf (age 22, Germany)

* * *

Dear Wolf,

Papabear hears you. The game of the human race is a game of masks. Few people are completely themselves in front of others. That guy you were playing games with? He was probably doing that to forget his own troubles, and so, when you told him of your feelings, he couldn’t handle it and rejected you. He was trying to lose himself in game fantasy and you brought him back to reality, which he didn’t want.

School days can be the worst for someone who is different, whether that is being gay, or nerdy, or unathletic, or just not cool. Kids are terribly cruel to those who aren’t doing the things everything else is supposed to be doing, such as liking sports, or the newest music, or wearing chic clothing. All of that is preposterously shallow. The sad thing is, you would think that people would grow out of that as they became adults. In my experience, though, most of them are still playing school yard games and fighting for popularity.

Congratulations to you for not being shallow and wanting to be a genuine person.

At 22 you have a long way to go, so don’t give up. I’m 50 years old and am just now really coming into my own. You’ve made more progress than I did at your age.

I understand there is no real central question here that you are posing to Papabear, and it is absolutely all right for you to just write it all down and have someone listen.

I’m listening.

I’m not going to solve all your problems in one letter. I agree with you that truly genuine people who care more about others than themselves are harder to find than shallow, self-involved people. But! They are out there.

How do you find them? You take the risk of reaching out, even though you might get hurt. Well, not might—you will get hurt. If you keep trying, though, you will find someone genuine.

If you like, you can start with me. I’m happy to listen. I don’t judge, and I completely understand where you’re coming from.

Write again when you feel up to it.

Blessed Be.

Hugs,

Papabear

Dear Papa Bear,

I've "picked up my pen" several times to write to you, and each time I've stopped myself because I don't have a question - not really, I think. And yet I feel that if I don't reach out to someone, someone I don't know, someone who doesn't know me, I'm going to break down, or explode, or do something really quite stupid. I suppose, if I have to have a question, it's --- No. I was going to write, "What am I doing wrong?" but I'm not going to bully myself like that. Instead I'm going to say, "Does it really get better?"

As you can see, I'm an older male. (I'm a dragon, in case you're wondering about my fursona.) I'm older, I'm single, I've never been in the best of relationships, although I was with someone for a while whom I did care about very deeply but we still went our separate ways in the end. I'm also hurt, and lonely, and wanting nothing more right now than to have someone to curl up against and tell me, "It's going to be all right."

There's no easy way to say any of this, so I'm going to be honest. If this comes across as bluntness, then I apologize.

I grew up in a time and place where it was wrong to be gay. Homophobia was endemic, and it was underlined by government, by society and by religion. In 1988, Margaret Thatcher passed legislation which made it illegal for teachers to educate children about anything but normal, heteronormative relationships. People could be fired for being gay, or beaten up and the Police would look the other way. I was raised that being gay was a sin.

I also grew up experiencing a lot of abuse. (There's no other way to say it.) It wasn't deliberate abuse, most of the time, but it was still abuse. I walked on eggshells from age 8 to 18, and even after that to a degree. I was bullied at school, experienced emotional and psychological abuse at home, and yet had some of the most wonderful family members I could hope for --- at times. Because, as we all know, nobody is always abusive, only when that switch in their head kicks in. 

The issue is this: my parents are both also survivors of abuse themselves. When I talk about this (which is rarely), I try to make it clear that the abuse was not deliberate: my parents and family did not set out intentionally to cause me harm. The fact is, however, that it happened, and the results are effectively the same. I can't find it in my heart any more to blame or be angry with my parents for their actions: they did their best, in extremely difficult situations, and they, too, are as much the products of their pasts as I am. In recent times, with the death of the primary abuser (whom we could never work out if they knew what they were doing or not), my family has become much happier and more relaxed, home has become a place which I look forward to visiting and my relationship with my parents is the best it has been for a long time.

I was expected to do well at school, to be the model pupil, to make everybody proud, to get top marks --- and I did, for a while. But it's difficult, Papa Bear, to try to please everyone, and I was 17 when I had my first "breakdown". (The big one was to come at the age of 19, when I fell in love with a guy for the first time.)

I learned early on to read people, and also to try to become what I thought they wanted me to be. And so I did. For my parents I was the good son, for the teachers the dutiful pupil, for the minister the diligent worshipper --- and so on, and so on, and so forth. I tried to please. I strove to please. Not least because the merest thing could set off a major explosion at home, but because by pleasing I had learned I could forestall such explosions. Or the cold, silent treatment, which was even worse. Or the sudden fury which would rise, and raise, and blow, and then be gone, and the person responsible would blink in apparently genuine innocence and claim they hadn't lost their temper at all.

Perhaps it's not surprising that I started eating. And eating. And eating. I always felt tired, too, and I found that consuming food smothered the feelings I had, and that was a good thing: it wasn't done to have feelings. Feelings could so easily get you in trouble.

I should also add that I grew up extremely isolated. My social circles revolved around home, school and the people I met at a church... I have no siblings, and for most of my life no friends. I find it very difficult to make and keep friends, and although I don't enjoy being alone, being in a relationship is equally scary because it's "unknown."

I went to university at 18 and by 19 had found the Internet and fallen in love with a guy. What little strength was left in my mind gave way and I broke into a million pieces. I ended up back at my parents' place for a year—arguably the worst thing that could have happened, in some ways—and finally went back to school. But in between I visited some friends in the US and... and realized something else was wrong. I like guys... so why can't I get hard? Why is it that someone in the shower with me is straining hard, and I'm not? (He later confessed he wasn't really terribly gay, which in retrospect makes it even worse.) And it wasn't only then, it was almost every time I was with a guy—Was? Is. I still can't "perform," as a rule, unless I'm so exhausted I can't think about it and then, for some reason, I manage. But the upshot was that the things I wanted to be able to do, the things that felt most right, simply don't work for me. But that's a whole other issue, I know.

So time moves forward. I fall into and out of relationships, jumping into them with almost anybody who shows me a crumb of kindness and then having my hopes dashed when things come crashing down. And I'm seeing people I know, people I love, moving on, finding relationships, finding joy and happiness, and here am I, still alone. It's difficult enough under such circumstances not to ask, "What am I doing wrong?" I know that it's probably not me that's at fault, though given my background it's hard to break away from that.

A few years ago I moved to the US to start school again—my fourth degree, a graduate degree this time. And I started to work on myself. I've been in therapy for four years now, and even now it doesn't seem like it's enough. I've had hypnotherapy sessions (from a licensed and qualified hypnotherapist) and even so it never feels as though it's enough. I've been diagnosed with several linked endocrine dysfunction issues, and being on medication has helped: my testosterone level is normal, now, instead of being half of what a geriatric man would have (which was leading me to question my gender, on top of everything else), and taking thyroid medication helps my mood and also my energy level, the constant falling of which was at least partly responsible for my overeating.

And yet, all this year, I've been in and out of a funk which I can't escape. I can shake it for a few days at a time, maybe even two weeks, but right now the black shuck feels as though he's tied to my heels. I'm tired, Papa Bear, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of having to care for myself, I'm tired of chasing after pennies... I'm tired of not being who I know I can be and who I want to be. Dammit, Papa Bear, I'm just *tired*. I'm tired all the way through to my soul and I don't know how to stop being tired. Maybe it's because I want too much, too much. I'm told that if you stop wanting things then you find it, but that doesn't seem to work, either.

I'm sorry for the tone of this letter, Papa Bear. I know it's a jumbled and disorganized mess but I've got a child's wail trying to get out through an adult's throat and I don't know where to begin. Please tell me it will get better, Papa Bear, because right now I just want to curl up in a corner and cry until the pain goes away, and tonight I don't know if it ever will.

Merrys (age 40, upstate NY)

* * *

Hi, Merrys,

I hear you. Listen, before I write something you've already heard before, please tell me more about what your therapist has said (surely, something more after 4 years than just endocrine issues?) Did you go to a psychologist? Psychiatrist? Or just a counselor? Did you address the obvious issue that sex is in the brain (explaining your problem with tumescence with guys)?

Like I said, I don't want to reiterate what a therapist has said--since that obviously hasn't worked. You can help me target a solution better if you tell me what already hasn't worked in the therapist's office.

Write back soon.

Everyone needs hugs. I'm not near New York, but here's a virtual one.

Blessed Be,

Papabear

* * *

Hullo Papa Bear,

Thank you for your email, and thank you for your hug: I really appreciate it. Hugs are good.

I've been seeing the same therapist for the past two-and-a-half years, and it was the sexual side of things which took me to him. Before that, I spent time with a couple of other therapists, one of whom was absolutely lovely and helped a lot and the next was a little passive and I didn't feel helpful. They all work for my school's Student Health Centre as counsellors, though all of them are highly qualified: my current therapist has a PhD in psychology and 30 years' experience.

To be honest, though, Papa Bear, it's not just about the sexual side of things. I can understand that you picked up on that most strongly: I mean, a gay male dragon who can't mate must be in a bad place, right? (And yes, it sucks.) But equally I think that there's nothing more honest than a person's genitals: they're either into someone or they're not, and I have had times, even when I had the lowest testosterone level ever, when simply smelling the breath of a young male sitting next to me while we ate lunch together was enough to make me fully hard in moments; equally, making love to my ex-boyfriend (who is female-to-male transgendered) I could be fully and achingly hard for him—but usually only when we were both utterly exhausted.

Sex is in the brain, but so are an awful lot of other things, accrued from down the years and which can be terribly hard to get rid of. I don't like to be one of those people who points at others and blames everyone else for their own misfortune, but regrettably I cannot escape that I have been badly damaged by my past.

Right at this moment, I don't even want sex. Right now, inside, there's a scared child who wants to be nurtured and cared for, and it's so painful to admit it: in this world of apparently well-turned-out young people, in this fandom where sex is made to seem easy and everyone is virile and the young are well-balanced, this old dragon feels very much out of place. How can I say, to whom can I say it, that I just want to be held and comforted and tended and cared for, because at the moment I just don't have the strength to be strong? At the moment so many ghosts from my past are coming to the surface, and all I can see, over and over again, is my eight-year-old self—the age I was when everything began to change—and he's hurt, he's confused, he's afraid, he doesn't understand why things are changing, and yet he has to grow up in the space of a few weeks and become a caregiver to someone who should be caring for him. Eight years old and almost an adult. Eleven years old and he has his plushies taken away from him: "Don't you want to be a big boy now you're starting senior school?" How could he answer, "No," and not feel he'd disappointed everyone. Twelve years old and the joy has gone from birthdays and Christmases, and it's another 28 years before he can feel comfortable telling people that it's his birthday, because it's gone from being a day of delight to something he learns is another reason for people to mock him for his naïveté.

It's not just about the sex. I think the sex is a symptom. Perhaps as much from being most of my time alone, and having no confidence when I have been with someone, to also being with the wrong people, quite likely—as I said, there's nothing as honest as a set of genitals.

I just needed to reach out to someone, Papa Bear. I need a Papa to hold me right now—someone to hold me, who won't mock me or laugh at my weakness, or make fun of the "little dragon" who is trying not to cry (and failing). I know I must sound pathetic, and yet right now I don't care. I feel so damned tired, and lonely, and there doesn't seem to be the slightest chance of that changing any time soon. Each time I think I've learned to love myself even a little bit, some voice in the back of my head pops up and I feel as though I'm back in square one, all over again.

Abuse is horrible, Papa Bear. Even when it's not intentional. It's like kudzu, or the ground elder we get back home, or Japanese knotweed. And you can never be sure it's entirely gone, because the worst of it is that you learn to do it to yourself: you learn to believe that you deserve all the things that happen to you, you learn to believe it IS your fault, you learn to believe that there's no other way it can be.

~Merrys

* * *

Hi, Little Dragon,

I understand better now, thanks for taking the time to write out your feelings. Yours is one of those letters that Papabear gets that goes to the front of the line, so I will write to you later today after work.

In the meantime, I am attaching an audio file [inserted a recording from Don Miguel Ruiz]--one of several. If you like the first one, let me know and I'll send more. I think it might help.

Bear hugs,

Papabear

* * *

Hi Papa Bear,

I don't really know what to say. I feel honored that you'd take the time, and yet embarrassed and awkward at the same time: "why should I get special treatment?" is what the voice in my head says. That, and being called "Little Dragon", when I try so hard to be the big, strong, fierce dragon everyone expects a big, long dragon to be... I'm not sure if to be embarrassed by that, too. Expectations, again.

Thank you for the audio file. It was very beautiful. It reminds me of things I've heard before, in particular St Paul's letter to the Corinthians in which he says, "For now we see but through a glass darkly..." I'm not a Christian, or at all religious, but I do remember that.

*leans into your hugs*

Thank you, Papabear.

~Merrys

* * *

You're welcome. Here's another recording to listen to while I work.

Hugs

pbear

* * *

Thank you. *snugs up against your side and puts his head on your chest while he listens*

~Merrys

* * *

Dear Merrys,

I won’t pretend to be able to solve all your problems in one letter, but I will try to make a good start here, and I hope you will correspond with me more in the future if you need to talk.

You don’t go into what your therapists covered (other than endocrine issues, which, in turn, could cause problems with testosterone levels, and, indeed, the original cause of this can be stress), and you don’t explain well what the abuse was as a child, except that you were made to grow up too soon and, evidently, not allowed to be yourself. Your parents, having been abused themselves, did what usually happens in such cases: perpetuated the cycle of abuse on to you (good news being that you have risen above this and now have a good relationship with them). This, it seems, wasn’t because of family being deliberately abusive, but they probably didn’t understand you and just weren’t very good at raising their one child. They may have been good people, but just not competent people.

Because you weren’t allowed to be a child, and because you became a people pleaser—always working to make parents, clergy, teachers happy—you didn’t get to discover yourself. And because you didn’t get to discover yourself, people with whom you were attempting to have relationships with became frustrated because they couldn’t figure you out because you didn’t know who you were. The first step in finding out who you are is to stop trying to be the person you think others want you to be. This doesn’t mean that you should disregard or be mean or indifferent to others, but you shouldn’t hide who you are to please others. Once you have stripped away that false mask and let yourself be you, you being a process that, while it might take some time, will eventually lead you to you.

While, as you say, not laying the blame on anyone, it’s clear that your problems stem from the abuse you had as a child, the fact that you weren’t allowed to be a child (what I call Michael Jackson Syndrome), and that this has all caused you severe stress that has led to endocrine issues and sexual dysfunction. One might also say you wish to return to childhood (or, anyway, divest yourself of the burden of being an adult) because you didn’t get the emotional support you craved as a child. Furthermore, you were not allowed to be gay because of family and society, further suppressing your true identity. Is this what your psychologist told you?

The problem is easy to identify. You could, actually, blame your upbringing, but that won’t solve the problem. So how do you solve the problem?

Well, you’ve found one way to cope, I feel, by being a furry, which is a way to try to relate to one’s child side. Interesting that you picked a dragon as your fursona, the dragon being a strong, tough, loner figure, representing what you are trying to be. In that sense, I suggest that you actually have picked the opposite fursona of the one you need. I don’t see you as a dragon; I see you as a bunny—soft and cute and snuggable ... and vulnerable. Perhaps you might adopt a second fursona. Many do.

You would also do well to try and recapture your childhood. Not the way Michael Jackson did (bordering on insanity, poor man), but to regain the joy of Christmas, birthdays, going to amusement parks, etc. You sound like you need friends. What’s your involvement in the furry community? (And, by the way, your impression of furries that they are all “virile” and sexually confident and well-balanced.... poppycock. Just read through the letters on this site, which is a receptacle of insecurities and sexual and relationship problems. We all need help.) Hanging out with furries is a super way to regain that feeling of childlike playfulness.

So, we now have: find out who you are, rediscover your childhood, and start making friends (btw, this is from one of my favorite sites, Tiny Buddha, on being a friend: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/25-ways-to-be-a-true-friend/). When you are good friend material, you will attract friends to you like moths to a flame.

And what happens when you get lots of friends? Well, chances are that one of those friends will become more than a friend. It starts with cuddles, and you need cuddles more than just about anyone I’ve ever talked to.

“Working on yourself” doesn’t mean working on your appearance, or getting an impressive education, or making lots of money, or, in a relationship, doing whatever the other person wants from you, or working on your conversation skills and trying to be the life of the party. There is nothing really wrong with you, except that you weren’t given a fair chance to ground yourself because you didn’t get the childhood everyone needs. Remember, people don’t transform from children into adults, they are, rather, adult shells encasing the children still inside them. That child, that vulnerability, that need to be cuddled and protected, remains in all of us. It’s the brave ones who admit that they need a big hug or cuddle, and no, it’s not about sex.

One last word of advice. Don’t stand around waiting for that hug. Be proactive and hug someone first. You might be surprised that this can break down walls and one of those people will give you a big hug back. Maybe it will lead to a new relationship; and, yes, relationships can be scary, but it’s better than no relationship at all, if that’s what you’re looking for.

As to your original question, “Does it get better?” It certainly can, although I can’t guarantee it. But it helps to get to a goal when you have a clear, well-paved path to walk on. I hope I laid a few stones on that path for you tonight.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear

* * *

Dear Papa Bear,

Thank you for your considered and considerate reply. To address all your points in any depth is going to take a while, so I hope you'll forgive me if my reply takes a while to complete. I wanted to say "thank you" now, though: reading your words, as I have several times already, I have found both comforting and reassuring, and I feel better already.

One thing I'd like to mention now, though, and I'll address it more fully in later, is that I'm Otherkin, and that's my connection to being a dragon. I didn't choose to be a dragon, I simply am one. And I'd argue that even dragons can be vulnerable and weak and need cuddles, too. I know I did, when I was an eggling, first time around. :-)

Thank you again for your patience, your kindness and your support. I have very much enjoyed writing to you, and also listening to those two audio tracks you sent me.

With very best wishes, and much thanks,

~Merrys

* * *

Hi, again, Little Dragon,

That is, indeed, a vital piece of information you left out, your being Otherkin. And you’re correct that even a tough-looking dragon can need a cuddle now and then. If I had known this, I would never have suggested you change your fursona (though you still might have the heart of a bunny *grin*). That would be like someone suggesting I be something other than a bear. I am a bear, and you are a dragon, and that’s that. You remind me of Toothless in How to Train Your Dragon--a fierce beast with a heart of gold.

This whole conversation is an excellent reminder to readers of this column that appearances can be deceiving. The guy who looks really tough and confident on the outside might be just the guy who needs a good squeeze and a sympathetic ear.

It’s also a reminder of how many—really, most—people in the world go about their lives wearing masks to please others or as a protective measure against ridicule and prejudice. Some might say that furries are all wearing masks, pretending to be animals or anthros, but I feel it is quite the contrary: we are stripping away our false selves and revealing who we really are on the inside, says this bear.

I don’t think this is the end of this particular conversation, but it is enough for now. Perhaps I’ve worn out the patience of the readers of this column with such a long post, but they, as always, are free to wander off elsewhere into cyberspace. I hope that those who have stayed have gained something here.

Bear Hugs to All,

Papabear

Hi Papabear!

First off, I wanted to tell you that I really like your work, you're awesome for taking the time to talk to people who feel lost and trying to help them.

While I don't really feel lost, I'm here asking you for your opinion.

I'm living like the perfect life at the moment. I'm studying in a field that interests me (I'll be changing soon but more on that later) but lots of free time to enjoy other things, I live at my parents house to not be too much of a burden economically but I perfectly autonomous, I have a girlfriend that loves me (maybe too much but again more on that later) and I have lots of acquaintances and some close friends that I can talk to and who are willing to help me.

The thing is: I don't enjoy life on Earth at all. Since I was able to I've always been consuming lots and lots of culture (books music videogames movies/shows comics and drawings). The "problem" with books, videogames etc. is that they depict amazing adventures in more or less fantastic universes full of interesting things to do, and now because I'm used to those stories I don't find any joy in life. On top of that I'm constantly thinking about all the problems going on in the world and in our society, making me miserable whenever I'm not occupied.

It's been 3 years now that the same thing is going on: I get really depressed, I plan my suicide, all the friends who hear about it tell me I shouldn't, I explain them why I want to, they get sad because of me, which makes me even more depressed making me unable to have enough strength in me to kill myself, I get used to the feeling making me able to go on but lose my best friends because they can't put up with a suicidal close friend (which I totally understand). After that I make some new friends ... and the cycle starts again...

The only things able to help me are videogames and music who help me don't think about it and drawing and reading poems that make me happy for a little while.

That's why I wanted to study in cinema, because making videos is a hobby not a passion like the 4 above, that way I could have a job I enjoy while not tainting my passions with the "work feeling.”

But now, I've hit like the 5th cycle, and I can't put up with anything anymore. I'm changing my studies to "Game Art," which involves lots of drawing hopefully making me able to bear life long enough so my girlfriend won't love me as much as she does atm, because I've talked to her about all that, and she said that if I do kill myself she'll follow me, and I don't want everyone to blame me for "taking" her life when I spent ALL my life trying to make everyone around me happy.

So yeah, I can't live like a normal human because I wish I were some kind of wolf with wings who's life would consist of exploring fantastic universes and battling with dragons or some other mystical creatures. I wouldn't care if I were to get killed/hurt like that, because it would be for something interesting. In real life you'll get killed because of sad and boring things (diseases, mad psychos, etc.), and while doing meaningless things (my ideal goal IRL would be to make people realize we have to act to make this world better, but I wasn't even able to make my friends do small changes in the way they act for objective goodness, imagine how that would go if I were to try on 7 billion strangers...).

I'm sorry this was really long, hopefully not too long and not too boring so you'll take some time to tell me how you feel about that. I'm not seeking for an answer on "how can I stay alive?" I just want to know what do you think of my way of thinking considering the life I have. Maybe you'll think I'm a spoiled brat that should enjoy life considering how easy I have it but hopefully you won't stop at that.

Thanks in advance Papabear!
Wirinel' DuSaule (age 18, France)

PS: Sorry if I made typos/mistakes. English's not my native language.

* * *

Dear Wirinel',

Whenever I get a letter from a reader and it concerns suicide, that letter gets moved to the top of the pile. I will reply to your letter by tomorrow. In the meantime, please consider contacting one of the following hotlines to talk to a professional.

I think I see what your problem may be, so I will get to that soon.

Hugs,

Papabear

SOS Help 
Boite Postale 43,
Cedex 92101
Boulogne 
Contact by: - Phone 
Hotline: 01 46 21 46 46
Website: soshelpline.org 
Hours: 
    Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 15:00 - 23:00

Suicide Ecoute 
Paris 
Contact by: - Phone 
Hotline: 01 45 39 40 00
Website: suicide.ecoute.free.fr 
Hours: 
    Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 00:00 - 23:00

E.P.E. idF. Fil Sante Jeunes 
Paris 
Contact by: - Phone  - E-mail: 
Hotline: 0800 235 236
Website: filsantejeunes.com 

Fédération S.O.S Amitié France 
11, rue des Immeubles industriels
75011 
Paris 
Contact by: - Phone 
Hotline: (+33) (0)1 40 09 15 22
Website: sos-amitie.com 

* * *

It's very kind of you to put the letters about suicide on top of the pile! 
And don't worry, I promised myself to not commit suicide too soon, I don't find joy in life but I'm trying my best to resist and first let my girlfriend pass her important exams. 
Also I've already contacted my family doctor and a psychologist but they weren't able to help me. I've contacted you more because I'm curious of what you'll say considering you have a good experience with this kind of things than because I'm looking for a solution.

Wirinel'

* * *

Dear Wirinel’

There’s no such thing as committing suicide “too soon”; any time someone commits suicide is an inappropriate time. As someone who attempted the deed at your exact age, I can tell you if you go that far you will absolutely devastate everyone in your life who cares about you; suicide is the ultimate, supremely selfish act and is like giving a big middle finger to everyone you love. You say you spent all your life trying to make others happy, yet with one blow—killing yourself—you will erase any and all of that happiness you might have accomplished. The teen years are the most likely time that a suicide will occur, so it is a critical period in your life to get through. If you are entertaining the idea even in the slightest, please call one of those hotlines I gave you.

I’m sorry that the psychologist you spoke to did not help. Since I have your attention, I will try to help here.

What you are experiencing is classically defined in the German tongue as “Weltschmerz.” That is, becoming depressed because the real world doesn’t compare favorably to a hypothetical, idealized world you find in art and literary fiction and video games that you would prefer. A lot of people have this condition—probably a lot of furries, especially, because we like to imagine ourselves as anthros living in fantastical worlds. We look at ourselves in the mirror and wish we could have wings or snouts or fur or tails.

As Spock once noted in the original Star Trek series, having is not always so pleasant as wanting. This was also pointed out to me in a forum led by Uncle Kage at MFF in which he talked about the consequences of what would happen if furries really were possible. The gist of his talk was that the physical and social aspects of being a true furry would likely be devastatingly disappointing. The same is true of your fantasy world. Fighting a dragon might seem glamorous, but you would likely be toasted or crushed or eaten alive, and that wouldn’t be too pleasant. If you were an anthro wolf, your anatomy would make it impossible to speak English (or any human tongue); and if you had wings they would likely be just for show, not functional, because having six limbs just doesn’t work anatomically, and even if it did it would be very hard for you to get off the ground.

Basically, you are desiring something that, even if it could become true, would likely not meet up with your high expectations.

Now let’s look at reality. You are, as they say, looking at the glass half empty. Yes, the world is troubled by disease, war, Rush Limbaugh, etc., but what about the amazing aspects of our real-life world? And I’m not just talking about the games and poetry into which you escape. Life is amazing! Nature is incredible! Quantum physics! Astronomy! The metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly! The mind-warping possibilities of alternate universes, other dimensions, dark matter worlds, instantaneous particle communications through entanglement, and, more humbly but still incredible, the advances in medical science—why, we are getting really close to healing paralysis, making the blind see, the deaf hear, and integrating human biology with nanotechnology. There are advances in communications and transportation and environmental technology that are showing great promise in resolving problems with pollution and human interactions. People are developing clothes that can make you invisible; physicists have figured out how to freeze light in time! We’re very very close to discovering extrasolar planets that include liquid water and life! AND, it now seems possible that warp drive is a feasible mode of propulsion to get us to those planets. You, my furiend, are living in what is possibly the most remarkable era of human history—EVER! 

Open your eyes and see around you, really see, and you will discover a world that’s really not hum-drum at all.

And that’s why I would recommend to you that you do not pursue a career in Game Art. Why? Because then you would just be reinforcing your conviction that it is only the worlds of fantasy that have validity and excitement. You would be creating an infinite loop that would trap you into your current mind-set, which is depressing you and making you consider suicide.

Instead, explore the possibilities and wonder of the real world. For instance, if you have any aptitude in it, I would say you should look into astronomy. What’s going on in that field is truly mind-blowing. Or, closer to home, medical technology, or perhaps focus on the planet and the wonders of natural plant and animal life. I know that when I was a zoo docent, I was constantly amazed by what animals can do to survive and thrive in the wild.

My Papabear sense is telling me that you only find the real world dull and uninspiring because you haven’t made the effort to truly familiarize yourself with it. Therefore, that would be my recommendation. I know you said you weren’t looking for a solution, but I’m giving you one anyway.

So far, dear furiend, you have been a sleepwalker through a magnificent, lush jungle full of life and possibilities. But you have been walking only on a cleared, dirt path, unable to even touch the life around you. My wish for you is that you open your eyes, step off the path, and lose yourself in the forest.

Blessed Be,

Papabear

* * *

Hi, Wirinel'

I'm following up on my letter to you. What do you think of it?

Papabear

* * *

Dear Papabear,

First I want to say that I'm really sorry I wasn't able to answer your mail earlier. I fortunately could catch and read your mail on my phone about the day you sent it to me but, while it proved to be a good thing in the end (you'll see why later), I am terribly sorry for making you wait.

When I first read your mail, I felt like once again the person I tried to explain my problem too didn't fully understand (which would've been totally OK, by the way; I had to cut a bit "short" my first mail to not make it overwhelming, and if you don't know the full story it's not possible to fully understand), but 3 hours ago I talked again with my mom about the reasons I'm feeling down. I thought about what you said in your first answer to me while talking with her, and it really helped me. My decision is to now try to compensate my lack of knowledge in the scientific field (I studied engineering because I didn't--and still don't but I'm trying to work on that--feel like I would be able to remember all the things I needed for scientific studies) by going through "catch up" studies via the CNED (a French organization for at-home schooling. My goal is to develop skills in Math, Physics and what we call "Earth and :ife Science" in France htrough those studies to enter a school in the same field while developing my creativity in my spare time tjrough online tutorials to how to use 3D software and learn how to draw better.

One thing my mother helped me with is by making me remember how people like Stephen Hawking went through and are still going through huge difficutlies in life but still continue to help other people in their fields with their discoveries; it was to make me realize than I can get over my lack of long term memory (I tried multiple methods to help against that but I still can't live without technology keeping important information for me). Another thing she told me is to stop paying attention to the "crowd": a huge thing that makes me absolutely desperate is how I see that too many people keep believing (not talking about religious beliefs here) and doing objectively stupid things even if they have evidence that it would be far better to not do them/do them in another way. So I'll now try to stop looking at comments on YouTube and other social medias (or just post my opinion and don't care about the answers, that will be tough though...). Finally, she said that because I've always been moderate about the money I spend I should not hesitate to ask her and my dad to buy me things that would help me express myself (such as canvas, paint and graphic tablets).

While I still feel down (and I thing that something that'll stay a long time for the better as much as for the worse), I at least feel like I have a goal in my life, things to do and wake up for besides just living to not make my girlfriend and family sad.

I have something to tell you about your answer, though, about the fantasy thing. It's really not helping at all to tell people like me (or at least me) that if our fantasy were to realise it wouldn't be as good as we think because of real world laws. It was a bit cliche and mostly there to explain my point of view but heck if I were to be a goddamn wolf with wings I'd live my fantasy to the fullest and speak English and fly! That's the point of fantasy, to get rid of what's making real life boring, and while I still desperately need to live in a fantasy world to be truly happy, my goal here is to make real life less boring, interesting enough so that I can keep on staying alive for a long enough time to feel like my life on earth was spent well.

If you didn't answer me, my talk with my mother would've been far less productive, and sending you those mails was a relief (I try to not talk to my surroundings about my problems except when absolutely needed). I'd like to thank you. Not as far as from the bottom of my heart because in a way you're making me live while I kind of don't want to, but you tried to and did help me. 

Because I can't help you in another way than with money and because I don't really feel like wearing your design, would you mind giving me a PayPal link or something I'd be able to give you a donation trough? I like to help people who helped me, most of the time they're artists but being that much kind deserves some sort of reward (a medal would be cool but I don't have that kind of power hehe).

Thanks again Papabear,

Wirinel' DuSaule.

* * *

Dear Wirinel',

Thank you for your reply, and I am very happy that you had such a great talk with your mother and that she and your father are supportive. That's wonderful! I'm also relieved that you have--I hope!--put aside any ideas of suicide. It sounds like you're a tad resentful of me for "making" you live, but I can live with that. If it took making you hate me in order to convince you of the folly of suicide, I would have done my best to make you despise me.

I think you're right that there was a little miscommunication here and, perhaps, I didn't get exactly what you were saying. It sounded to my ears that, in the original letter, you wanted to die and hoped that would somehow achieve your dreams of going to your fantasy life and living as a winged wolf. This is why I tried to bring you down to reality because I feel that if I encouraged you in your fantasy life it would encourage you to kill yourself.

I wish to make clear that I have no objections to mental play and an interior fantasy life. After all, I have one as well in which I exist as a bear. And if you wish to fantasize about being a flying wolf, that's fine--as long as you acknowledge it as a fantasy only.

The other thing I wish to clarify is that I may have overemphasized science too much in my reply as a way to see that the universe is not dull. There's a lot to be said for the arts, as well--the celebration of beauty and truth through painting, music, writing, and other arts. You can find a lot of joy in these things, as well.

Now, about your struggles with memory. There are actually things you can do to improve your long-term memory, including exercise, meditation, and getting a good night's sleep. In this fascinating article, there are some unexpected tricks you can practice, too. In addition to the suggestions you see there, I would also recommend you do puzzle games (anything from jigsaw puzzles and scrabble to math games), and do things such as learn a new language or study how to play an instrument. Your brain is like your muscles: if you don't exercise, your muscles turn to flab; likewise, if you don't exercise your brain, it turns to mush (this is why watching a lot of TV is really bad for your brain). Here is a CNN article about apps you can get for brain training, too, if you're interested. You've learned English very well; and if you can do that (which involves long-term memory), I am confident you can improve your memory in other areas, too.

I am not telling you to give up your fantasy life (I should have been more clear on that). I think, though, thanks to your talk with your mother (and with me?), that you are on a path toward balance. Balance science and fantasy, the real world and the imaginary, and I think you will be happier. These two sides are not opposites; rather, they complement each other.

I have another suggestion for you: some of the greatest science fiction writers of the Golden Age were also scientists. If you have never done so before, pick up some books by Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, and Robert A. Heinlein, for example. I think they might inspire you.

Thank you for offering to send me a donation, but I must decline. Because I'm not a professional in this field, I don't feel right taking money for offering advice (that's different from selling a shirt or a mug). If you wish to repay me, please tell other people about this column if you feel it truly helped, and thanks for your kind words.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Hello again, Papabear.

It’s been a couple of months since I wrote to you. Still nothing. I feel like the book is already written for myself. I feel that after the divorce that I had back in July of 2014 that I proved my ex wrong. That nobody would want to date me nor will they want to date a divorced LoneWolf such as myself. I am back to square one before I met this backstabbing b**ch (sorry about the language), miserable and lonely, though to that day of our divorce I feel that the book is already written for me. Is it possible that this is my fate in life to be divorced or never to be with anyone in my life again? Ad is it possible that my book is already written to stay this way for all eternity? 

If advice can't be given on this I understand why it can’t. 

Skullking LoneWolf 

* * *

Hello, again, LoneWolf,

Oh, Papabear can give advice on pretty much anything, but it’s up to the reader to decide whether or not to listen.

You have been divorced less than a year, yet you have already thrown up your paws and given up on any other relationships happening in your life. That is a defeatist attitude. As long as you are down on yourself, bemoaning that fate has already written the book for me and I am doomed to be alone until I die, then that is exactly what will happen to you. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The way out of your situation is to change your attitude. If you go around feeling nothing but negativity about life, you create a powerful, dark aura around you that, although most others cannot see it, is very palpable. It chases people away from you who might otherwise have become your friends. It is very off-putting.

A big step toward dispelling this aura is to learn to forgive. Put aside your bitterness toward your wife. That is part of your past now, and you are only hurting yourself by carrying that hatred in your soul. I understand anger, hon, and know that it will eat away at you unless you learn to, as they say, forgive and forget.

In addition, learn how to have a positive attitude. You might ask, “What do I have to be positive about? I can’t be positive if my life is awful.” Actually, that’s not the way it works. You have the cause and effect backwards. If you take a positive attitude toward life, it can actually make your life better and good things will start to happen. For one thing, if people you encounter see you smiling and enthusiastic, it makes you much more attractive and they will be more likely to want to get to know you.

Drop the negativity. Drop the doom and gloom. Only then will you turn your life around.

Hugs,

Papabear

Hello, Papabear. Thanks for reading my letter, I think the work you do with this website is really amazing.

So here’s the thing: I been feeling bad or nothing at all, I don't get excited about anything anymore. I don't want to do anything, so I do nothing all day. I have books I wanted to read but I lack the will to start. I stay at my pc waiting for someone to talk to me on skype, looking at random stuff at internet, fapping, doing all kinds of useless things. Sometimes I try to draw but I always stop after 10 minutes or so. Sometimes I feel a strong desire to be part of something, a group or a fandom so I'll have someone to talk to, and I don't know why I don't join something. Talking to furries most of the time don't result in good conversations. I find myself trying to draw stuff to please people hoping I can make friends, it kinda works but not the relationship I would like. My real life friends are scarce and they don't really have much in common with me or don't talk to me much.

I know I have to change something, but I don't know what to change or where to start. I'm going to start Tai Chi classes next week so hopefully that helps, but I feel like its not going to be enough. Not even playing games get me excited anymore, I'm tired of listening to the music I have and I feel really angry when I go on the internet to look for more for some reason.

I wanted to never log in skype anymore, but I feel addicted to it, the hope that someone will want to talk to me and I wont be there, which never happens anyway. And feeling like this isn't good for me since I feel physical pain when I'm stressed or feeling anxious. Which is one of the reasons my life been really hard for several years now.

I guess I'm just another lonely person seeking for attention. That feeling that my existence doesn't matter at all. And really sucks to admit that being old as I am. Maybe I even deserve to feel like this considering all the friendships I neglected on the past, it took me quite a while to realize what an asshole I was to everyone, now that I changed, there isn't anyone here to see anymore.

I guess what I want is a legitimate reason to do something since I feel I'm never going to be happy at all. What could I possibly seek that would change how I feel about things, how I feel about my future? I can't even look forward into buying stuff, I bought enough stuff to realize that materials only make me happy for a brief moment. The worst part is that I'm in college for a year now and I didn't made any friends. So I'm stuck in a senseless quest for a senseless job, to get senseless money, to buy senseless shit, to live a senseless life.

Spike (age 21)

* * *

Dear Spike,

You’ve come to the right place for a sympathetic ear: I know EXACTLY what you mean, having gone through what you are going through several times before. Before we continue, have you seen a counselor or psychotherapist?

* * *

A few months ago I gone to a psychiatrist, we didn't talked much and he gave me some anti anxiety meds which made me start to have anxiety attacks every night so I stopped taking them. I was in his office for 20 minutes, and 10 of this 20 minutes he was on the phone with someone, so I guess he wasn't very good at his job. I actually only asked him for help about my irritable bowel syndrome, which makes my belly hurt like hell whenever I'm stressed or anxious.

* * *

Dear Spike,

I hear you. I went to a psychologist for several months and was not very happy with him. I often recommend professional therapists to my readers because I am not one and it is not right for me to offer advice on psychological issues without at least giving people a heads up that the other option is available. Some people are lucky and find good therapists; others, like you and me, get lemons.

Before you give up on psychotherapy, however, I would suggest you try another psychologist or psychiatrist (and ask him or her about something else besides your bowels). The reason is that there is a possibility your problems might be caused by biological factors, such as hormone or other imbalances. It is important to have that checked by a doctor. In fact, you might consult with a regular physician for advice on this.

Okay, enough with the doctors and psychologists. Let’s tackle your letter piece by piece.

First off, part of your problem is that, in an attempt to make friends and gain attention, you are doing things to please other people rather than yourself. A lesson that I am still learning in my life (giving you three decades’ heads up here that will hopefully save you time and grief I was not spared) is that when you are a people pleaser you rarely please yourself. In your case, drawing art to please others sucks the fun out of art because you aren’t drawing what YOU like; therefore, what fun is it? In a sort of related example from my own life, I enjoy history and learning about it through books and online and from TV documentaries. In high school, I loathed history courses because the teachers made it godawful boring. Nothing but names and numbers and dates. I learned history for the test; I read books to write papers to get good grades. By the time I was done with the course, I thought that history was boring. It wasn’t until I stumbled on some excellent documentaries that a new spark came alive in me and now I love to learn about history.

Therefore, step one is to answer yourself honestly this question: why am I drawing art, reading these particular books, studying these particular subjects, etc.? If you are doing so to please others or because “it’s good for me” or any other reason than “because I want to for my own enjoyment and enrichment,” then you are doing it for the wrong reason. Refocus your motivation to center on yourself. Tai chi might actually be a good way to assist you with this, as well as your anxiety issues, as it helps you with focus and helps to calm you.

Next, reexamine your friendships. Sounds like a lot of your nonfurry friends have little in common with you and don’t even converse with you much. Why are they your friends? They aren’t, really. Are you seeking friendships with the sole motivation of being afraid to be alone? Then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. I’ve tried this, too. When I moved out to the Coachella Valley, I wanted to meet local bears and be friends with them. Turns out, well, a lot of the local bears are douchebags. I was trying to pick friends for the wrong reasons. Fortunately, I found some friends who are real friends and care about me.

Tired of games and music? Yeah, been there, too. At first glance, many people would say this is a sign of clinical depression—when the things that used to bring you pleasure no longer do so. This can be true sometimes, but there could be another reason: you need to break out of your comfort zone and old habits. For example, as a young bear, I used to only listen to pop music. I didn’t try anything else; I also shunned “old people music” like what my parents listened to. But, as I got older, I started listening to music less. It started to sound like the same ol’, same ol’. My wife at the time introduced me to country music, and I got over my preconception that it was all “Cryin’, Dyin’ an’ Drinkin’” stuff. Garth Brooks is awesome. More recently, I’ve really gotten into “grampa music” such as Frank Sinatra. His stuff still holds up. And listening to music like this has reinvigorated my appreciation of old favorites of mine such as The Beatles. In addition, I started taking piano lessons and am totally into jazz now. For fun, I also enjoy listening to reggae, and my sister-in-law, believe it or not, bought me a CD or yodeling music when she was in Europe. LOL! Hey, it’s fun when you’re in the mood. There is a whole world of music out there. Try new stuff!

Games? Yes, after a time, gaming can get dull, too. Especially if you get into a rut with games that are all, say, first-person shooters. I kinda went through this when I got into SecondLife. At first, I was completely intrigued, but, after a couple years, felt I was wasting my FirstLife and quit. I really don’t have time for games or virtual reality stuff right now, but if I did, I would mix things up. Try games that exercise your mind more, such as “Myst” or “Civilization.” If that doesn’t work, well, just take a break from gaming and try something in the real world.

And that brings us to our next topic: breaking out of all the stuff you’re doing now and completely shake up your life. I suspect, in your case, that too many of the things you are trying—gaming, music, reading, drawing, buying stuff you don’t really need—are things you do by yourself. And while you are trying to socialize, much of it seems to be online, when you are, physically, also alone.

Go out into the Real World! My best suggestion: do some volunteer work for a worthy cause. Part of your problem may very well be that you intuitively feel like you are not making a difference in the world through your current activities. You may be surprised how soul-nourishing helping others can be. And you can combine this with your furry interests, too, if you like. For instance, I was just reading about the Atlanimals group, which does charitable work while in fursuit. My buddy Tycho Aussie does this on an individual basis. It’s something I’d really like to get into, too, with my fursuit.

Yes, it might be that you made mistakes in the past and have alienated some people. It might even be that you will never get those friendships back (have you tried contacting people and giving them a heartfelt apology?), but none of that means you can’t start fresh. At 21, you are still at the beginning of what will hopefully be a long life, and there is plenty of time to make a fresh start—or even two or three fresh starts. 

My advice, in summary: break out of old ruts to try new things, make those new things stuff that involves interacting with people in the real world, and remember that, while it’s nice to help others, being a people-pleaser is not a good strategy. It’s not selfish to please yourself first, as long as you are kind and considerate to others, because when you’re happy that happiness will rub off on others and make your whole world brighter.

Hugs,

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I once told you my fursona problem, which kind of still hovers in the room as I am finding not a solid answer, yet to it and am still young to the fandom itself even though it has been a few years until today of joining. The bigger thing is that I suffer severe depression, am pretty anxious, lack self-confidence and often am indecisive as well. Hard I know, but it is why I am feeling the fandom locks up on me for being one who doesn't contribute enough of matter nor being much of a speaker (noted my English not being the best of course). Regardless of this it does bother me a lot.

I decided over and over what I should be with no answer to be found, trying to meet furs on FurAffinity effortless as none often answer. Kind of saddens me that the fursona would help me reflect myself and how I'd want to be in the end as much as drawing and writing from there on with him. I just lack the decision making and the confidence to work on it.

Long have I been staying strong and growing stronger, thanks to the few friends who hold me so dear. For them of the Fandom I'd like to fully take part and shape as Furry and make much more presence, just unsure how.

Regardless in Time you'll get a proper thank you for all this help.

Thank you,
Lyah (age 24)

* * *

Dear Lyah,

It’s become a bit of a fascination for this bear that I get a lot of letters from people like you who are fretting that they don’t contribute enough to the fandom or are seen by other furries as not being involved enough. Yet there are many, many furries like you who are very shy and have trouble socializing (which is why, frankly, you don’t get a lot of response from other furries you try to contact—they are like you!), which is really one reason they become furries: they feel shy about mundane society and find a safe haven in the fandom as something set apart from it.

Another phenomenon is that many furries feel bad if they don’t have a lot of followers or friends on Facebook. My question to them—and you—is what would you rather have? A pawful of good, loyal, true friends or a massive following of fair-weather acquaintances calling themselves friends? You’re better off with 5 really good friends whom you love than 10,000 Facebook followers, trust me. So, as the goombahs say, fergetabowdit (er, pardons, that American dialect might escape a German speaker, so what I mean is be Zen, be mellow, relax, and don’t worry about things that are of no real consequence).

Another word of advice: FurAffinity is not really a good place to socialize. While you can make friends there, the main purpose of FA is to share and view art. Socializing is better done on a site such as Furry4Life or on Facebook and other more social media. You should also see if you can find some local German furries. Too, have you ever attended Eurofurence in Berlin? Best furcon in Europe and right in your neighborhood. Even if you’re not in Berlin, you are fortunate to live in a country with outstanding train transportation, unlike America.

A lot of your perceptions of the fandom are likely influenced by your emotional issues. Because you suffer from depression, anxiety, and low self-confidence, you see other furries in a more negative light than what is actually the truth. If you work on alleviating these feelings, you will, at the same time, feel better about the fandom, as well. That’s what was occurring in your previous letter http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/german-fur-having-fursona-trouble and what you still need to work on. As I often note, if you have difficulty surmounting your fears by yourself, a professional counselor may help.

Hugs,

Papabear

Hello there, Papabear,

I've had your articles appear on my twitter news feed quite often, and the things you help people with are so uplifting that it keeps me putting one foot in front of the other...

To try and shorten down who I am, I've got a bunch of medical issues, GAD, RBBB, PTSD and Depression strong enough for suidice, so it's really hard for me to get out of the house in general, and doing it to try and meet someone just makes me cry because I never do meet anyone, the people where I live are seemingly all so crass and dull, nobody smiles on the street, and people backaway from you if you say "hi" as if you are begging for money

I've got one decent, good friend in my life who lives ~10 km away, the others have all either simply moved away or have left the good life for the massive amount of drugs in the area where I live. He's a wonderful person and he inspires me to better myself, although I rarely get to see him. The sad part is that he's doing (average) so well in his life that it brings me to tears because of how bad I've done with my life. I try really hard to not show how much emotional pain I'm in all the time but in doing so people think that there’s nothing ever wrong with me, despite crying to sleep 2-7 days a week as a standard thing.

My problem is that I can't find people to have a chance at making new friends, I'm extremely alone in my life and it seems that the harder I try the more painful the failure is, leaving me to sit on my ass and not want to try for fear of failure, but hey, you don't succeed by not failing, the first step for a victory is a logged failure.

I'm not even sure you can help me with my problem as it seems to be that this entire town is either old retired people or meatheads that like sports and booze. I've considered going to college, but I'm so afraid of failure and the daunting factor of "you must be at school" and I can't take a break when I feel like it. I'm in tears as I'm typing to you and I realise that I'm starting to ramble, so to try and shorten all this down: I'm alone in my life, depressed to the point of suidical thoughts weekly, I've been trying for Four Years to meet people (dating sites, meeting sites all that crap) to only yield one good buddy, which gives me a silver lining that my efforts aren't a waste, but that person I found is so great that it makes me feel Horrible to the point of tears and nobody wants to be around the hobbyless depressed poor guy with mental problems.

I wish I could find a lover, but at this point I'd settle for just a friend. I feel that everyone needs friends, and it Really hurts to not have them. The one I have lives an extremely busy life and we can't ever hangout, especially now that he's dating.

I'm sorry to unload all this on you, but you seem you be willing to help people like me for whatever your reason is, that makes me smile and gives me hope that this world isn't a shitty place that I should just give up and leave, I've thought about it many times and I just want to share all the love I have with someone before I decide to finally kill myself, the world at least deserves that from me; it'd be selfish of me to end my own life out of dismay despite all of my 1st world benefits

I'm just so unhappy all the time despite medication, I'm so sad, I'm so tired, I've almost compleatley given up on live and I would've already if it wasn't thanks to Genuinely Good People like yourself.

I hope you get back to me soon, and I hope that there will be some actual peice of advice that you can give that somehow i couldn't see, the people that I come across don't seem to like me for who I am, when I finally do find the right people, I like everyone so much that I become reclusively shy and people think that I'm avoiding them because I don't like them.

I'd hate to read a response from you that pretty much sums up my fears, something along the lines of "that sucks, it happens, chin up"

Fiyasko (age 22, Victoria BC) 

* * * 

Hi, Fiyasko,

I'll write more later because I try to answer letters in the order I receive them. But when I get a letter such as yours that is about more serious issues I try to at least write a quick reply ASAP.

I am sorry for all your medical issues. To make sure I know what's going on, correct me if I'm wrong here: RBBB = right bundle branch block (heart condition), GAD = Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and of course PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder (were you ever in the military?)

Have you tried joining any support groups? I know there are quite a few for PTSD and depression. A lot of your problems stem from the anxiety and other emotional issues that you evidently don't have under control yet. In other words, it's not you, it's the medical conditions you have that are weighing you down, so you really need to do whatever you can to tackle them.

How are your finances? I'm guessing you get some government assistance? A lot of people write to me about how a lot of their problems stem from where they live. Is there any possibility you can move? Example: I moved from Michigan to southern California and am MUCH happier in a community that accepts gay people.

Are you a furry? Have you tried being active in the furry fandom? There are many people with disabilities in the fandom who could offer support and friendship. You can friend me, for instance, on Facebook (Kevin Hile), FurAffinity (Grubbs Grizzly), or just say hi on Yahoo ([email protected]).

More later, but I wanted to reply asap.

Hang in there, buddy.

Hugs,

Papabear

P.S. You might want to change your name. It has negative energy. Try something more uplifting than a variant of fiasco. Hugs.

* * *

Thanks for responding!, I'm very happy to see that you care so much about strangers! and of course I'm a furry! I wouldn't have asked You otherwise.

You've got the medical conditions correct, the PTSD is *big sigh* from being beaten and raped repeatedly during my youth by a family member (not a parent, we love each other).

I haven't tried joining any support groups for depression or things like that, I was in two years of councelling for my PTSD, but it's sort of become ingrained as a part of who I am when I look at people for who I think they are. 

I've noticed heavily that I don't have my conditions under control, if anything they control me :(, although I'm a person who only takes medication if I Need it (yes, I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication) but my anti-depressants make me feel Flat, exciting things aren't exciting, and sad bad things just make me go "Meh."

My finances are stable. I don't really need to worry about things because of the Gov assistance, and I just recently got a job so I could have more income. However, I'm not sure of the process of if it stays with me/changes when I move, which it most likely will. I've considered moving, but I live with my parents and have no nearby relatives. If I were to move I'd be in a strange place with no friends or family nearby which sounds pretty depressing to me. If I were to move it'd only be over to the mainland (Vancouver) because I really like the climate and wildlife around here (TransCan trail a block away, a small forrest a block away, waterway a block away, it's really beautiful).

Thanks for responding out of order to me, you really didn't have to do that, I'm going to go look at schooling options as I think college would be a decent place to meet new people who are simmilarily minded. 

Negative energy to the point of "idk, that name sounds like trouble"? It'd feel weird to change my furry alias after finally settling on it as "this feel right, I can identify myself with that and not feel weird."

Fiyasko

* * *

Dear Fiyasko,

Okay, if you feel comfortable with that name, I certainly won’t try to make you change it. More importantly, I’m terribly sorry to hear about your horrifying childhood experiences! Given that and your other ailments, I would think those should be your priority. As you said, you don’t think you have them under control. I understand your objection to medication and still feel that group therapy could help. Take a look at this page to find a number of groups in your area, some of which may be suited to your needs. In addition to helping you with your ailments, a secondary effect may be that you could make some friends within your group or groups.

As for moving, we all make judgment decisions on things like this. If staying near friends and family that you know is more important than moving away from a place where most people are “crass and dull, nobody smiles,” then by all means, stay where you are, but don’t blame your depression on the people around you, since you evidently know enough right there who you love and like.

On the plus side, even though in your first letter you said you didn’t feel right about going back to school, now, in your second letter, you say you are considering your college options, which is good. And, yes, college is a great place to make new friends, too.

Although you are very troubled, I see a lot of good signs in you, Fiyasko. You recognize, for instance, that sometimes you have to face a few failures before finding success. You are open to changing your previous course and going back to school, despite some fears. You see, too, that the family and friends you have in your life are more valuable than the frustrations you feel about other residents in your area.

It is quite remarkable that you have all these good attitudes about life, Fiyasko, and that is very encouraging. Because of this, I believe that if you redouble your efforts on alleviating your trauma, stress, and anxiety issues that you’ll do just fine.

Please write again and let me know how you’re doing.

Hugs,

Papabear