Hi Papabear,
I have a friend who sparked my interest in Furries in the first place, and much of the credit to who I am now goes to him. We were very good friends and eventually became long distance friends but emailed often up until I started college three years ago, when our letters became more sparse. I now live in Minnesota, close enough to visit him now though. Just recently Mr. Orca I'll call him, had just told me something that has both shattered me, and causes me to worry about him. Mr. Orca revealed that he had stopped believing in God, and on further inquiry I had found Mr. Orca a porn and alcohol addict, starting from about before I left for college. He had fought them for years until he gave in. The way he talks it feels like he knows that God is still true, but he doesn't want to face it because of who he is now. I was shattered as it was faith which largely brought us together as friends in the first place, and now I worry I won't see him make it to heaven. I'm also super depressed. I can't draw or write. I can hardly eat for these past two weeks. I can't stand the thought of loosing a friend forever. It's like he's still here, I can tell his heart is still good, but when I talk to him, it's a different orca. I need help getting myself back to normal, and I need advice to help my friend. He had joy and meaning before all of this, now he's caught up in pleasure and is unhappy all the time. He never seems happy like he used to be. I want to help him rekindle his faith again and walk out on these addictions, because I want him to be happy too, but I also know it is something he has to do for himself, I can ask, but not force him. I have already told him how I feel, and we agreed to continue as friends. Please help us. I don't know what to do besides pray. He may have changed, but Orca is still my friend, and I want him back. J.D. Grimes the Otter * * * Hi, JD, Could you tell me more about your friend? Under what circumstances did he start using drugs and alcohol? Does he have a troubled past? Is he or are you seeking therapy? As a religious person, have you sought out the advice of your pastor and, perhaps, how you can get your friend back to God? Papabear * * * My friend was once a strong example of faith and restraint. Orca got me interested in furry art and characters years ago and he encouraged me to draw and write. I enjoyed it so I chose to continue. That was about nine years ago. He never told me he was having struggles with furry porn. In fact I did to, but I got over it after much diligence and the thought of my friend. We both never knew about each others struggles until now. Orca said started with the porn three years ago but I don't know when the alcohol started but it came after the porn. I hope he is not using any other drugs, but he might. His problem seems to be related to escapism of some sort, wanting to be his fursona more than anything else in life. He struggled with his problems and stopped coming to church. I'm in a different congregation but of the same sect, so I had no idea he stopped going either. We kept in contact this whole time and I feel guilty I never told him of my struggles because perhaps things would be different now, or I could have helped him. The last straw for him was running into a group which smashed his intellectual conviction that God exists. As far as I know he never sought help or therapy and he doesn't want it right now. I feel like he said he stopped believing because he doesn't want to face the guilt, but I can tell he still hurts. He jokes about it but it's like he grimaces over what he's done. I forgive him already, but he's running away from God at the very moment he should be praying if he is real and for help. He has moments of pleasure, but no joy or lasting happiness anymore. It hurts to see him like this or that he will choose not to get to heaven. My support has been my pastor and a few other choice friends. He told me to find moments where it would be appropriate to tell my friend that God loves him. I'm trying, but I think I need to do more, I'm just lost. * * * Hi, JD, Your friend is displaying classic signs of addiction—in this case, porn addiction, and perhaps alcoholism. Because of his (and your) backgrounds in Faith, I can't think of a better organization than Alcoholics Anonymous for his alcohol problem, and there is a complementary organization called Sexaholics Anonymous for his sex addiction. As you might know, these organizations, while they don't put religion up front and in your face, are grounded in Christianity. You can use the websites to find meetings near you. Also, I noticed that SA helps not only with in-person meetings but also meetings via email and VoIP, which might make it a little easier for him. I know he's resistant to treatment. Getting him to agree will take a lot of patience on your part. This page offers tips. Talk more with your pastor to explore ways you can continue to encourage him to seek therapy. The above are good options for you, too, since you seem stressed about this, as well. Offering to be Orca's companion in this journey can help him a lot. If you go through it together, you can support each other, and call each other when you have weak moments. Hope that helps! Papabear
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Dear PB,
I've recently been suffering several deep bouts with depression, and I've taken to confiding in an older, long-distance friend who's given sagacious advice with my situation, but it's only been of limited help. I'm a young adult, and I'm still plagued with mood swings and all the troubles that brings, but the main source of my sadness is my family: specifically, my mother. She's a terrible alcoholic, and we've reached a point in our relationship where she only speaks to me to obtain money/transportation so she can purchase alcohol. When her ploys and manipulations don't work, she gets extremely upset and pesters me until her harassment wears me down enough for me to provide money or a ride. My toxic relationship with her doesn't bother me, but what does is the incredible guilt that I feel when she flees from my room in tears like a sobbing mess. She's had a terrible life, so I can justify her constant need for being in a drunken stupor so she can escape her problems, which makes it difficult to simply say "That's tough," and shrug my shoulders when she says it's not fair. Logically, I understand it's a simple guilt trap, but I just can't do anything while thinking that I'm being a bad son to my mother. So, in this constant war, I believe she's generally the winner, seeing as in 95% of our skirmishes, her fits end up getting her a trip to the liquor store and money for alcohol. A lovely cherry on the cake of our relationship is her being a horribly loud, offensive drunk who delights in insulting me. I've made plans to enter the military when I leave home so I can make a new start for myself, but that's a year from now, and I'd prefer to not wallow in despair until then. I've never been talented with compressing my troubles into small questions, so I apologize for that. I hope my letter isn't too difficult to wrench a question from, and if it is, I'd like to apologize once more. Thank you, Jack (age 17) * * * Dear Jack, You don’t mention whether or not she has sought out help from a group such as Alcoholics Anonymous. If not, I strongly recommend it. It doesn’t have to be AA—there are other groups out there (see below)—but she needs more help than you can provide. Not buying her booze is not being a bad son. You shouldn’t feel guilty about not supplying her with alcohol. It’s sad that she has had a rough life, but turning to addiction is not a solution. As you have seen, it only makes the problem worse. For one thing, it is adding to (if not the cause of) your depression. So, she is not only making her life worse, but yours as well. It’s important to recognize that you are in no way to blame for your mother’s alcoholism. Do not feel guilty!!! Also, if she doesn’t get better, it is not your fault. She has to want to help herself because nobody else can make her recover but her. Stop helping her get booze and stop feeling bad when she cries because you didn’t buy her a fifth of scotch (a key is to always be consistent here; don’t buy her booze sometimes and not other times--never buy her booze because when you do you are just being an enabler). By giving into her bad behavior, you reinforce it. She knows it works 95% of the time, so she keeps doing it. I know it's hard, but do not give into her fits. If she gets violent, do not be afraid to call the police. In fact, tell her you will call the police if she becomes abusive in any way. You do have to go out and make your own way in life, and joining the military might be one way to do it. I applaud you for taking some initiative to try to make your life better. In the meantime, however, please do try and get your mother some help if you can. Some places you can call:
I wish you and your mother the best. Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
First, I'm fully aware my grammar sucks, but at least, I have good spelling and thank you for your time :3 For a few months now, I've been thinking and bothered by a robbery that happened to me—or, more like who robbed me. I got back most of stuff (only missing three things), this happened in my home town; it's a small community, so it didn't take too long to find a few people to question, but while I was playing inspector, trying to find who did it, everything I found pointed to very close friend. Me and him were close, we have nicknames for each other (I was Chief and he was Apple). We always walked side-by-side, we know each other’s favorite color, we grew up with each other, we taught each to fight, we shared our money, we even showed each how to get in our homes, took each other to restaurants. We grew up in a bad environment (drugs, alcohol, bullies, etc.). We always told each other that one day, we would leave and find a better home. As we got older, my little brothers were born, which caused me to grow into a guardian-like personality (gay, straight, bi, I don't care, they're my brothers, and I'll protect them). My friend, on the other hand, gave in to the drugs and alcohol, and I never did. We became exact opposites, but our friendship never faded or weakened. So I was very resistant to believe that he was the one to rob me. When I told my dad, who trusted Apple as much as me, of what, I've found, my dad was more than angry. My dad told me to strike Apple for stealing from me, or if I wanted my dad would hurt Apple for me. But I told my dad that I'd handle it. For the next few weeks my stuff would randomly appear by my window, which without a doubt confirmed it was Apple who stole from me (years ago, I told him, if he had anything for me, but I wasn't home, to just leave it by my window). I tried to confront him, but I could never find him, till one day another friend of ours got Apple to see me while I was doing yard work for my dad. We talked, and apparently Apple was drugged by his older brother (who was recently in jail) and tricked into robbing me. When the drugs started to wear off, and realized who he robbed, slowly he stole my stuff from his brother to return to me. He didn't want to see me till all my stuff was returned. I told Apple that I'm very grateful that he was bringing back my stuff, but he should have told me. We could have gotten everything back together. He said he didn't want to get his brother in trouble (who's back in jail for stealing). This is the only thing he has ever done wrong toward me. If I asked anyone else in real life they'd tell me to just hit him and carry on without him, I'm not sure, if I should forgive him and act like this never happened, or forget our friendship and continue my life without him? what would you do? Hale (age 19, Alberta) * * * Dear Hale, Some people say that you should always forgive someone and turn the other cheek, no matter what. My philosophy is to take it on a case-by-case basis. There are certain parameters I use to decide whether or not to forgive someone, including:
A bad example of this comes from my husbear’s past. Yogi had a partner who was a crackhead. He started stealing and selling Yogi’s possessions to buy more drugs (fails test #1). Eventually, Yogi kicked him out of the house. Years later, this guy contacted Yogi again, asking to be friends again. He never apologized (fails test #4), nor did he offer to make financial amends for the thousands of dollars’ worth of stuff he took (fails #3). I imagine he failed #2 as well, since he was not high at the time he stole stuff because he was stealing in order to get high again. Yogi, basically, told him to piss off, and I agree with that decision. (Apple’s brother is likely stealing to pay for drugs, just as Yogi’s former mate was). In your case, the answer to all the above questions is “yes.” This was the only time Apple stole from you; his mind was clouded by drugs; he returned the stolen items; and he apologized (correct?) I think we can both understand his behavior, and I believe the cause of it all is his brother. The solution offered by your father and some friends (to hit him and move on) is both unconstructive and ape-like in its lack of intelligence and compassion. Hale, you should forgive Apple (at least for now), but that should not be the end of this story. Apple needs help. Now that you have forgiven him (or I hope you will), the next step is to be a true friend. You need to get Apple away from the bad influence of his brother, first and foremost. You also need to save him from a life of drugs and alcohol before he ends up like his brother. The theft he perpetrated is an alarm, a call to action that his problem is becoming worse. To start, check out Alberta Health Services, or also Addiction Enders in Alberta, and see what you can do to find a rehab program for Apple. It is time to be a real friend, Hale. Your friend needs you. His stealing from you should not be taken as a personal offense so much as a cry for help. You should help him while he is still your friend (which he showed by his behavior) because if you wait too long the drugs and alcohol will eventually rot his brain and change who he is. At that point, you are at risk of losing the person Apple really is forever. And that would be tragic. I wish both of you luck. Please write again if you need further help. Hugs, Papabear |
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