Welp, it's that time of the month where I whine to you about my problems because I can't just man up and face life like actual human beings do. Only this time it's not my parents' fault. It's mine.
I let myself fall behind in class. I have C's/D's in most of my classes and I managed to land an F in computer programming. I keep getting super distracted by things like my friends or my electronics (i.e. phone, 2DS, etc.) and I keep forgetting what tasks I'm supposed to do. I keep promising I'll try harder, but I always keep fucking slipping back. I don't understand why I keep f***ing myself over so badly. My parents are disappointed in me for letting myself fall so low (they claim that disappointment isn't the same as anger but it might as well be since they elicit the same emotions from me.) My teachers think my parents are too soft on me. I want to go into a dark corner where people won't find me and just cry everything out but I can't, and winter break is coming up and I only have so much so time to complete the final exam reports for English and computer programming, and I'm so f***ed. Dad's right. I let myself fail the most important schooling year of my life. And even then I don't know what I'll do if by some miracle I graduate this year.
I just..... I should have myself committed to a mental hospital. Maybe there I'd get the help Iactually need. but even then I'd be torn from my friends and family and the outside world and it'd just.... It'd break me. I can't stand even the thought of losing anyone I care about. Why am I such a f***ing chicken? My dad would've taken charge. My dad would've been on top of things all year. I let them down. I let everyone down. I let my grandma down (bless her soul). I let the people online I consider family down. I f***ing let myself down most of all....
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Having trouble focusing is a common problem for people with autism [note: I know this from previous letters from Ferris]. So is getting overly upset about things that happen all the time, such as struggling in school. Yes, you got some low grades, but that doesn't mean you're a loser. A loser is someone who quits trying and just wallows in self-pity. So, what you do is keep trying! And don't worry about being a disappointment to others. You can't please everyone. Focus on yourself and going forward with your life.
I know I am replying too late for your exams, but it was probably too late to change your habits drastically in time for these tests. Let's work on them now and prepare for the future. Essentially, you need discipline. Here is an article from the helpful WikiHow that gives useful tips on how to create a work schedule and stick with it.
You need to set aside blocks of time that are devoted to different classes. Then, you need to study during those times without distractions. Put your phone, tablet, laptop, etc. away. Sometimes it helps to have some soothing background music as you study, but nothing with lots of lyrics that would distract too much. Develop a habit in which you do the same things during specific times, such as "From 1 to 2 pm on weekdays I will study or do homework for my computer class." No matter what, stick to that schedule. Also, as the article notes, allow yourself some free time. Say, "From Noon until 3pm on Saturdays, I will chat with friends online and play games. That's my relaxation time."
This is admittedly a challenge for people with autism. Autistic people need more frequent breaks and rest time. WikiHow, again, has some special tips for people like this. But even if you do have autism, you can tailor a plan for you and your needs.
If you wish, I can help you try to develop a schedule for your future classes. Oh, and too, don't be afraid to ask for tutoring help if you have a difficult subject. There is never any shame in asking for help.
This year has been very upsetting. I have had my trust in others seriously tested. It had been waning in fact since my school years but this year was arguably the most upsetting I've experienced so far where I felt betrayed, lied to and finding someone I once respected was in fact an awful person with genuine evidence backing it up.
This situation started around my school years when I was naive and young, yet to have my innocence ripped away. I was young and wanted to make friends with everyone. As I've written before, I had my trust in others severed when I was bullied behind my back in primary school. It continued into my high school years and it was deeply upsetting.
Now into this year, there was a furry I once respected and was once liked by the fandom. Kero the Wolf would be his name. I've blocked him on Twitter over his lies of being hacked and finding out the horrific chats and legit videos doing the act of sexually harming his own dog to death. Regardless of the fact he was in a zoosadism group, he lied to the entire fandom and me and I felt a horrible feeling of betrayal.
I was devastated that he lied to me and did those horrible acts. He's a YouTube furry who reached 100 thousand subscribers on his channel after appearing on Shane Dawson's channel. Kero claims to be a wildlife advocate but what he did sickens me.
He's since blamed the fandom for his own horrific acts and acts like the victim on his YouTube channel. I hate what he did.
But that's not even the worst of it. His betrayal has left me paranoid and scared of anyone in the fandom. I'm so scared that I could unknowingly be supporting a popular furry who might be hurting people/animals and I would have have no idea they did anything. It's horrible to think that way but I'm just so scared and upset.
I certainly didn't know of what he did when I initially defended him against what I thought were slanderous claims against Kero who I once respected at the time. Plus, anyone can fake evidence nowadays. It's disturbingly easy to do and ruin someone's life.
I know I wasn't aware of anything he did before finding out and being disgusted/horrified. Defending him makes me sound complicit but frankly, I'm angry at him for doing those horrible things that goes against what I stand for as a furry and essentially treating me like I'm nothing.
Most furries care about animals. They like animals so why would they want to hurt them, especially in such a cruel way?
In fact, the #MeToo scandal ruined whatever respect I once had since I was a kid for so many talented celebrities (too many to count) who once inspired me and it made me feel like it was pointless to even be a mere supporter of those kind of people. The fact many of them exploited people sexually and used their talent to hurt others disgusts me.
Then back in 2015, my parents separated without even telling me beforehand. I still don't completely trust them even though they say they love and care about me.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm rather upset and genuinely scared of who I can look up to or be a mere supporter of. I'm not saying the furries I like have done anything wrong but I don't want to look complicit in anything. I'm so concerned and stressed about all this. I just like supporting others because I believe in being genuinely kind to others and treating them well. I wanna be a good friend that looks out for them.
Sorry for the long letter. I just wanna ask. Is it okay to be supportive of someone or should I just not bother?
I'm very upset that so many people unknowingly left me feeling betrayed and hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm a ball of anxiety. Scared to offend anyone and I certainly don't wanna hurt any animal or person. This whole situation has nearly made me fall into despair. I'm honestly about to cry.
I'm an emotionally broken dog. I feel so stupid for ever supporting people and not knowing about what they did. It makes me seem complicit anyway.
Why even bother?
-Sam the dog
* * *
Yes, there has been considerable online chatter about Kero lately. I get where you are coming from that what he did is a big letdown. We often set up heroes in our lives, people we admire, and when they do something awful, we feel betrayed. I've felt that a couple times. For example, I was a big fan of Bill Cosby for the longest time. I loved his "Fat Albert" show as a kid, loved "The Cosby Show," and appreciated his outspokenness about the importance of education, especially for young black people. When I learned about his drugging and raping of women, it felt, indeed, like a betrayal, not just to me, of course, but to all the black people he was a role model for. The same thing for O. J. Simpson. He was my favorite player when I was a kid (him and Joe Namath). Some people might believe he is innocent of murder, but I think the trial was a farce and he was guilty and not "some Mexican guy." John Lasseter, the man behind so many movies I adore, has been accused of multiple sexual offenses. Charlie Rose, a man I always respected as an excellent journalist, was fired for sexual misconduct, too. I used to think Roseanne Barr was cool. Then, of course, there's Bill Clinton, and John F. Kennedy was a noted philanderer.
On the other hand, there are some heroes of mine I feel have been unjustly accused, including George Takei and Neil deGrasse Tyson. I feel the charges against Al Franken were blown out of proportion to get him ousted from Congress.
The thing is, these people were not my family or personal friends; they don't even know me, so their moral failures were not a betrayal to me (or a reflection of me) but to themselves and their community. The same goes for Kero. You shouldn't take it personally. Indeed, just as with your parents' divorce, it actually isn't about you. And you shouldn't feel guilty about trying to defend Kero, because once you learned the truth, you withdrew that support. You did the right thing.
The gist of your question is this: "Whom can I trust without fear of looking like a fool or like someone who is complicit in immoral behavior if it comes to light that they are a bad person?" The answer, really, is that you really can't, because all people are imperfect. The good news is that not everyone will let you down the way Kero did for you and many others in the fandom.
So, if you can't be 100% certain that people won't let you down, should you flee from the world, hide in a cave, and never trust anyone again? Absolutely not. Look, there are two kinds of people in your life: there are those who are close to you who are friends and family, and then there are people we hear about in the news such as celebrities, athletes, and politicians. When it comes to the former, people you love, what you do is love them, even if, on occasion, they might let you down a bit. Usually, they don't mean to, and with a little work, you can reconcile your relationship (which is what you need to do with your parents; talk to them about how you feel).
When it comes to celebrities and other famous people, you can admire them for the good things they do that caused you to like them in the first place while acknowledging and not supporting any bad things they do. It doesn't make you a bad person that you supported good deeds. For example, it doesn't make me a bad person for believing that Bill Clinton did a lot of good stuff for this country because I also acknowledge that he often thought too much with his penis. I will go even farther--and probably shock some people--when I say that I feel President Richard Nixon did some good things for the country (space program, relations with China), and that I feel Watergate was a result of his suffering from the mental disorder of severe paranoia. I'll even say that Trump has done a couple good things, although he is 98% bad and completely immoral, which is why I never supported him. However, I do understand how some people were misled by Trump into believing they should vote for him. Of those people, there are some smart enough to admit they made a mistake and who have withdrawn their support for the Orange One, while others continue to be blinded by hate, fear, and prejudice. Of these people, I feel the former were just foolish and ignorant, while the latter are, well, stupid and hateful.
Making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person. If you continued to support Kero, I would say, yeah, there's something amiss with you, but you haven't done that. You're okay.
In summary, support the good acts that you see people doing; condemn the acts you know to be immoral (such as animal abuse, sexual assault). Your own character will be measured by what you do and not by what you say (talk is cheap--truer words have never been spoken). Your character will be measured by the evidence that you live by moral convictions not by which celebrities or popufurs you once felt were cool.
In the week since I broke up with my ex I fell into an old habit. This habit is basically collecting pictures of my first crush and sorting them in a folder on my laptop. Now my first crush was at the young age of seven, and the object of my affection was the fictional character of Molly Macdonald [a character from the PBS cartoon series Arthur].
Now all of that was just exposition. My question concerns events that happened today. So I was sitting in my room listening to music. After a while I had to use the restroom (note that I had left my computer on Spotify). After a few minutes, I got out the john and walked into my room. Immediately, I noticed something was off: The folder with pictures of my first crush was opened. The only other person home was my mom, so I guess she snuck into my room and was searching my laptop, where she saw a folder labeled "Molly" and probably though I got a new girlfriend and got excited or something, until she clicked on it and was met with 659 images of a children's show character.
At dinner my mom was extremely quiet, and after dinner I heard her telling my dad about something she found on my computer. I am now extremely worried I may be at least sent to a therapist, as my parents probably think I'm a creep now. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenience, especially considering you helped me last week. Thank you in advance.
* * *
Quick question: were all of these images of Molly G-rated?
None of the images were NSFW. That’s actually a pretty pointless question as even if there’s no porn it is still incredibly suspect to have 659 images of a 9 yo from an educational show for children. My parents haven’t said anything yet, though my dad handed me the business card for a therapist yesterday.
* * *
It's actually a very relevant question that I needed to ask before giving you a full reply.
You do not need a therapist because you like children's cartoons. Pretty much everyone in the furry fandom likes them (my favorite is TaleSpin), and the vast majority of us (LOL) are perfectly sane; millions of mundane adults enjoy cartoons, too; indeed, Japanese culture is full of anime-loving adults, and we all know how popular anime is worldwide. Now, some cartoons are definitely aimed at very young kids (e.g. Teletubbies), but the majority are really for "general audiences," meaning they are suitable for children AND adults.
Here is an article as to why many adults like cartoons, even cartoons for little kids. And some people believe it can actually be helpful to adults to watch them.
Therapists are for people who are troubled (or just need some professional guidance). If you are having emotional or mental problems, then you go to see a therapist. If you have problems recognizing reality, then you need a psychologist or psychiatrist. But just watching a cartoon does not at all mean you are crazy or unbalanced. Your parents are of the misguided impression that you must stop all childlike behavior at a certain age and be pushed into adulthood and being boring and dutiful etc. etc. They are wrong about that. While it is important to go out into the world and become a productive citizen, that doesn't mean you have to kill the child that remains inside all of us.
I don't expect that you can show your parents this email and that it will convince them, so go to the therapist, tell them what's going on, and get them to write a note to your parents that you are not crazy so that Mom and Dad will have written notice from a professional that they shouldn't worry. (If the therapist says you are crazy, then they are a terrible therapist; get a different one).
Hope that makes you feel better.
* * *
My parents have nothing wrong with me enjoying something not made for my age group. The problem they have is with having 659 images of a specific character. If I found something like that on one of my friends computers I would also be skeeved out. The reason it’s a little creepy is cause of the number of images. It took months to amass 659 images of Molly Mcdonald. I can see someone thinking I’m a pedo cause of that folder.
* * *
Well, it's not like you're a stalker, and Molly isn't a real person. If you had that many images of, say, Jody Foster, yeah, that would be creepy. But this is a fictional character, so it is more of a hobby.
While I'm here I'll ask: what is it about this character you find so appealing?
* * *
An explanation of why I am infatuated, obsessed even, with Molly will take some time. As far back as I can remember I have always been attracted to tomboys. Because Molly is a tomboy I developed a crush on her. I developed an obsession with Molly because I have high-functioning autism, and as you probably know, people with this disorder develop obsessions with people, things, even places. Next, I’m like 11, my balls drop, my voice begins cracking, and now I have a fetish for tomboyish bullies. I started the photo collection on a old tablet I had. Next, we jump to when I turned 14. I deleted every nsfw image that was in the folder, as I had just then learned she was only 9; I had thought she was at least 13-14. Next I stopped adding to the folder about a year ago as I got a girlfriend and I actually had something to do besides look a pictures of a fictional girl. Anyway, that’s basically my explanation of why I have an infatuation with Molly.
* * *
Well, okay then. I would think that your parents would understand the obsession possibilities involved with autism, and the Molly thing is certainly consistent with that. From what you are telling me, you are actually very well-balanced. Sure, you had a bit of an obsession (everyone has SOMEthing they are fascinated by on a romantic or sexual level), making you no different from most other people (with me, it's bears, obviously). Furthermore, you got rid of the NSFW stuff when you realized the age thing was a factor (even though Molly isn't real, some people do get in trouble for having anything on their computer resembling child porn, even if it is fictional), you have stopped collecting the art in general, and you are moving on to a relationship with a real girl and realizing that it is better than living in a fantasy world. Even though you two broke up (rare that a first girlfriend turns into a forever love), you are moving into the realm of reality.
Heck! I'd say you're doing great! And I think any therapist would agree with me.
Here is what I would suggest for you now. Talk to your parents openly about computer use and your privacy. Tell them that while you appreciate they are trying to protect you, spying on you is not acceptable. Instead, there should be an open agreement between you and your parents. Solution: propose to them that they write a computer usage contract https://www.kidguard.com/parents-guide-to-technology/how-to-make-a-computer-usage-contract-with-your-child/. Sometimes, getting things down in writing can calm people down. Tell them what you told me about Molly. Be open and honest with your parents and ask that they do the same for you. At 15, you are old enough to have a more respectful and mature relationship with your parents. You should also acknowledge to them that you understand they love you and are trying to protect you and that you love them right back.
Sneaking around is detrimental to any relationship, whether it is between spouses, parents and their children, coworkers, or friends, it is always a bad idea for anyone who is not a government spy LOL.
Hope that helps. Good luck!
Hello, so I've considered myself a furry for many years now. However, only since last week did I start taking more part in the community by attending my first furry event. While it was great, it was a bit overwelming, and afterwards I started to feel depressed.
Figuring out what to do with it, I decided to try to make my first fursona as I wanted to get a fursuit for a convention that is coming up in a few months.
However, no matter how much I try, I can never get anything to look good and properly reflect me. Feeling like time was running out, I gave up and decided to go towards an artistic liberty fursuit, only applying the species and one of the colors I want. The reference sheet the maker made was awesome, but the problem is that it isn't really my fursona 100%. Therefore I feel like it's wrong to wear it at the convention and that I might be judged for taking the lazy route.
My plan was to take more time and really think about my fursona. After which, once I've saved up again, I'll go and get a new fursuit and use it for future conventions.
The problem is I don't know where to start. I'm horrible at matching colors and choosing patterns.
So not knowing where to start on a fursona, and the fact I'll be wearing a fursuit which wasn't my idea, is causing me to feel depressed and stressed out.
Am I worrying too much about? How should I deal with all that is going on?
* * *
Goodness, you're making yourself miserable about something that should be fun! I've encountered furries like you before. They tend to worry too much about what others will think and they are overly self-critical, believing they have no good ideas.
A fursona (and fursuit) is a very personal thing. It should be about what you like and who you are, not what someone else thinks you should be. Wowser, that's what the fandom is about, man!
Start with the basics: species (real, historical, mythical, hybrid, whatever floats your boat). Do you have a favorite animal? Most people do, or if you have a couple of animals you like, you might design a hybrid. What's your favorite color? That's also something that most people can easily say with some assurance.
So, for the sake of this discussion, let's say you love kangaroos and your favorite color is blue. Suddenly you've got yourself a blue kangaroo (or if you think all blue is a bit much, you might go with tan but throw in some blue aboriginal patterns). Okay, now keep going. Keep adding things that you like. Maybe you think wings are cool, so now you've got a blue kangaroo with wings.... And you really like detective stories, so you add a fedora hat and a crumply tie and a Sam Spade personality. Now you need a name... Oh, you really liked the TV show "Knight Rider" because you thought the talking car (Kitt) was cool. Guess what? Now you've got a detective kangaroo with blue aboriginal markings and wings named Kitt Kangaroo as your fursona. Voila!
Get the idea? Try not to envision your fursona and fursuit all at once. Take it bit by bit and slowly assemble them into what you love--something that is a personal expression of who you are.
You likely don't have time to get a new fursuit done before your first convention, so just wear what you got and have fun. If people ask you about your fursuit, just say it's temporary until you get the new one, but in the meantime you just wanted to have some fun with fursuiting.
Last word of advice, which I love to give to anyone who will listen: be more bearlike. Chill, relax, and enjoy.
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