​Dear Papa Bear,

I have been a part of the furry fandom for about 3 years now, but I have only become active in the fandom about a year ago. I consider myself an artist and I make furry art all the time. I'm hoping to attend a con sometime soon as well. One thing that I really want to get is a fursuit. I only want a partial because I know I could grow out of a full suit quickly. I want one mainly to entertain and to advertise my character at conventions. I'm willing to save up the money, but my parents do not really understand why having a suit is important, or why it is not a waste of money. One of their main arguments is that I would never wear it. I know they can cost around $1,000 or more for a decent suit, so I could see their point. I don't have any big issues with paying for college or a car, so I do have room to buy one. I just need a good reason to justify my purchase to my parents. They tend to think that people who go to cons are weird, and I know that they are not entirely wrong. I've tried to explain to them that being yourself and expressing your hobbies is not a bad thing when in the right places. I don't exactly know how they would react to the fursuiters at cons, so I need your advice. How can I convince my parents that fursuits are not weird and that it is not a waste of my money (and yes I know that fursuiting is a little weird, but you know what I mean.) 

Thanks,

James the Arctic Fox (age 14)
 
* * *
 
Hi, James,
 
Smart of you to only get a partial for now, since you are probably still growing. Also, if money isn’t an issue for you and you save up the money for yourself, then you should be able to purchase what you want to without having to get parental approval, especially if, by the time you get a full fursuit, you are 18 or older.
 
Secondly, furry is a hobby, right? Many hobbies can cost a considerable amount of money. For example, golfing, skiing, SCUBA diving, horseback riding, etc. These are all things that could easily rack up hundreds of dollars in costs over a short period. Would your parents consider these things a “waste of money”? We all need some fun and hobbies in our lives, and I bet they wouldn’t criticize such pursuits. Therefore! Their objection is not the money; it’s the hobby itself, right? “Waste of money” is code for “We think that’s weird and don’t want you to do it.”
 
So, is fursuiting “weird”? Well, no stranger than being, say, a mascot. If you wanted to dress up as a lion for a local high school team, would that be weird? Oh, no no, heavens no, because that is related to socially sanctioned sports, so it’s cool. Is fursuiting weirder than people going to Star Trek conventions and dressing up as Vulcans and Ferengi? Again, it is the furry thing your parents object to.
 
Oh, here’s something interesting, too: if you are trying to be an artist—a professional, money-making artist—and create a fursuit to promote your business, your fursuit is tax deductible as a marketing tool, so maybe you could use that as an argument, too. Quite a few furries make money doing this sort of thing.
 
Finally, fursuiting is a lot of fun! Don’t your parents like you to have fun? I love donning my bear fursuit and having people wanting to give me a hug because I’m a cute fuzzy bear. It’s a way to interact with others and to bring fun and joy into people’s lives. What’s weird about that?
 
In summary: fursuiting is fun, a fursuit can be a marketing tool, and fursuiting is no stranger or more expensive than some other hobbies out there. And, anyway, you can't hug money, but you can hug a furry. Argument made.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

​Dear Papa Bear,

I'm going to a furry con next year and for fun I thought I'd share a room. I found someone in a Facebook group I'm part of and we quickly made plans. However, in my excitement that I finally found someone didn't really look into the guy until after the initial arrangements. Turns out based on his Facebook likes he is a diaper fur. Now normally I am a very open minded individual and not much bothers me when it comes to people's kinks but diapers by their very nature disgust me and I don't if I could stand to be in the same room as the guy. Just knowing someone puts what I consider to be one of the most disgusting objects in the world on their body makes my skin crawl. 

How do I explain to this guy that I just made this arrangement with that his fetish makes me physically ill and I'm going to have to back out on our deal? 

Is there still a way I can make this work? I feel like such a tolerant ass and I know he going to hate me. 

Typhon (age 32)
 
* * *
 
Hi, Typhon,
 
This is a lesson in checking people out before you agree to room with them, isn’t it? But now that you have told this furry that he can room with you, it would be quite dishonorable of you to tell him that you changed your mind: be a man of your word. It’s your fault you didn’t check out his background more thoroughly and not his, and you might ruin his plans to go to the furcon if you back out now. Not cool.
 
Now that you have made this deal, it doesn’t mean you have to have an uncomfortable time of it. As I understand it, most diaper furs wear these garments under their clothes anyway, so you’re not going to see anything. Just to make things clear, though, you should lay some ground rules about sharing the room (many of which should be agreed upon with roomies at furcons as a matter of course, anyway).
 
For example, you can tell the guy you are a bit shy and to please change clothes in the bathroom and you will do the same. Tell him you have learned he’s a diaper fur, and that while you are not going to forbid him from being himself, you would like him to please be discreet about it because it is not something you are into. To reciprocate, ask him if there are any things that bothers him and agree that you will not do those, either.
 
In addition, request some standards be put in place: promise him you will not be messy and ask him to do the same (this should cover things like leaving diapers around; ask him to please dispose of stuff or keep it packed away). If food is eaten in the room, clean up after meals. Don’t leave wet towels everywhere, etc. Depending on what your idea of fun at a con is, you might also request “please do not bring hook ups to the room—I don’t want to walk in and see you having sex.” Or some such thing. Now, if you plan on doing stuff like that yourself, you can do a simple signage system, if you know what I mean (you’re 32, so you probably do), so that if someone is using the room for naked fun, the other promises to stay out (within reasonable hours, of course).
 
In short: don’t be a jerk. Don’t go back on your promise (as long as he honors his to pay for his half of the room), and don’t say things like “your desire to wear diapers makes me physically ill.” Be respectful, but ask for his respect and consideration in return. Since you’re both paying for the room (I assume), he also has the right to ask for some space and consideration, too.
 
Who knows? Maybe you’ll actually like this guy and become friends. If not, consider it a lesson learned and be more careful next time you arrange for a roommate.
 
Have fun at the con!
 
Papabear

Dear Papa Bear,

A few days prior to Thanksgiving, I was informed that my aunt had committed suicide. She shot herself in the chest with a gun, and it was very sudden and tragic. She left no note, no reason as to why she did it.

I don't know how to cope with this. I've never dealt with a suicide before, especially with someone in the family. 

How do I get past this? It hurts so bad to know that she's gone. 
 
Meep (age 26)
 
* * *
 
Dear Meep,
 
I’m sorry you have experienced this tragic loss. This is an important topic to address during the holidays because it is a time when suicide rates go up, so I appreciate your writing to me now. There are many reasons people commit this tragic act, but since you don’t tell me much about your aunt, I will have to talk in generalities here.
 
Let me start by talking about the suicidal person. You might (or might not) know from this column that I tried to kill myself at the age of 18. Like your aunt, I didn’t leave a note, which really upset my family because had I succeeded they, like your family, would never have understood why.
 
I will try and explain why. You must understand, first and foremost, that a suicidal person is not in their right state of mind. Depression, pain, severe anxiety can lead to irrational thinking and actions. Before I did what I did, I considered writing a note, but I honestly didn’t know what to put in it. I just wanted to be done and out of my life. So, Meep, please understand that the fact that your aunt didn’t leave a note doesn’t mean she didn’t care. She simply was too far gone to know what to do or say anymore.
 
You might be surprised to learn that in cases of suicides only 15%-38% (depending on which study you look at) leave a note. It’s much more common that they don’t. Even when they do, the note most often will not include a reason for the death or any sense of closure.
 
So, do not look at the lack of a note as a snub to you or your family. Instead, you might want to take a look at the things she left behind (photos etc.) as a better indication of her feelings for those close to her.
 
The other thing about suicide is the suddenness of it. I’m guessing that you had no clue that this might happen. No signs of depression or previous attempts? When my husband died without warning last year, the lack of closure, the fact that I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye, burned my very soul. People have a need to say farewell. There are many ways you can do this to give you closure. One way I did this was in the dispensing of Yogi’s (my pet name for Jim) ashes on his beloved Mt. San Jacinto. I said goodbye to him there. Of course, if your family holds a funeral, that is also a good way to say your goodbyes. You can write a note to your aunt, too, telling her what your feelings are and how you will miss her. This can be therapeutic.
 
Finally—and this is the hardest lesson I have had to learn—you do not get past something like this. It will always be a part of you. What you do learn is how to deal with it, how to, hopefully, learn from it. The longer we live, the more people we will lose over the years, and it is important for you to understand how to cope with and accept it (I’m talking to myself, too, here). The best thing you can do for yourself is to live in the present and to better appreciate and love the people who are still in your life today.
 
You are not alone, remember that. Talk to others about what has happened. Hug them and love them and lean on them—and let them lean on you, too. Be there for each other.
 
Life is about both hello’s and goodbye’s. Both are important lessons in our lives.
 
Hugs,
Papabear