Dear Papabear,
I saw your website and you helping other furries on various kinds of situations - and i would like to ask if you could help me on this one. I'm a 19 year old person who lives in Campo Grande (Brazil), i'm part of the furry community a few years and sometimes i watch videos of people going to FurCons to have fun or meet new people/furries in there. I always wanted to go into one of these, but somehow the country where i live rarely gets to host a furcon. So, the first thing i do need (which is very obvious, hah) is money to travel to the US (because english is the easiest language for me to speak) plus it seems like they host majority of FurCon events. However, even if i would need money, i'm sorta lost. I don't know top priorities i should be doing so i could go to a FurCon. I also have a little fear that, for being pratically not someone with alot of money, i wont get a fursuit without getting dosh first - but i'm scared that some people might mock me because of the lack of a fursuit. If you can help me find out my primary requirements to going into a FurCon, it'd be great! Anonymous Person (19 from Brazil) * * * Hi, Fellow Furry! While there are furcons in other countries (such as Germany, Canada, Japan, and Australia), yes, the vast majority are in the United States. I have no idea what furry life is like in Brazil (interestingly, when I type in “furry Brazilians” in Google, I get sites about breast implants. What? LOL), but it sounds pretty sparse, so coming here for a visit does make sense. I’m glad to hear you are interested in doing that! Before I continue, it might interest you that there is a very small furcon in São Paulo called Abado that is held during Carnival (http://abando.com.br/) that has about 80-100 attendees each year. You might give that a shot.... Anyway, you sound like you know just enough about furries to be dangerous, but not well informed :-) Like many people, you apparently believe that all furries have fursuits (or at least partials). This is likely because most videos you see online are of fursuiters, but this gives a misleading impression. The truth is, only about 1 in 5 furries own one. Even those who can afford a good suit often don’t get one because it takes a special kind of urge to go through all the discomfort of wearing a fursuit. Really good fursuiters also enjoy performing in them, and a lot of furries aren’t really into that, either. So, get the notion that you need a fursuit out of your mind. You don’t. You don’t even need a fursona. What you DO need is a love of furry anthros. That’s it. Getting that straight, we still have to discuss how to prepare for a furry convention. Let’s say you have enough money to travel to the United States, and you have your passport, etc. The next thing to do is choose which furcon to attend. A lot of furries might recommend Anthrocon in Pittsburgh because it’s the largest (about 5,000-6,000 attendees), but I wouldn’t suggest that for a newbee because it could be very overwhelming. Now, if you enjoy large crowds of people you don’t know and lots of confusion, then by all means, go for it. But I would suggest something more moderate in size (but not TOO small), such as Furry Fiesta in Dallas, Texas, or Biggest Little Furcon in Reno, Nevada, or Furry Weekend Atlanta in Georgia. These cons are large enough to have a good experience with a diverse crowd of around 2,000 furries, but not so large as to be overwhelming. To prepare for a furcon, I recommend a couple things. If at all possible, go with one or more friends. That way, you’ll always have someone to hang out with to share the experience. Especially good if you have difficulty making new friends in foreign lands. Might not be an issue with you if you are gregarious. Next, after picking your con of choice, find out all you can about it. Go to their website and read all the rules and information there. Most furcon sites include rules about behavior at the con, which basically are common sense about acting civilized, not getting drunk, not bringing weapons, or disturbing other guests at the hotel or convention center. Also, as soon as it’s available, check out the program schedule online and select which forums and events you wish to attend. If at all possible, bring money money money. You are gonna wanna shop in the Dealers’ Den and buy stuff, especially when it’s your first con. In addition, try to get a room with a small refrigerator and microwave oven; then, go to a nearby grocery store and buy food and drinks there. You will save a lot of money versus eating out all the time while at the con. As early as possible, make a reservation at the main furcon hotel. Many cons have back-up hotels for overflow, but you’ll want to be in the center of the action, so stay at the main hotel. Some of the larger cons have “party floors.” This is just what you might imagine, with a full floor being reserved for the kinds of furries who like to drink and party. I would not recommend this for you, especially since you’re an international visitor and also underage for drinking alcohol in this country. Stick to attending organized events, such as stage shows, the forums, dances, and the fursuit parade. All of these are a blast and you will enjoy them a lot. Be wary of “overly affectionate”furries who might invite you to their rooms. Furries have a reputation for being a bit oversexed, and it is not entirely undeserved. While most are cool, there is a noticeable minority who would probably very much enjoy taking an exotic young woman such as yourself upstairs and having some kinky fun. Don’t let yourself be pressured, and don’t go anywhere with someone you don’t know into a private room or other non-public area. Again, most furries are cool and there will be many opportunities for you to make new friends if you leave yourself open to them. I hope you are able to attend a con soon! Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Should He Give Up His Original Career Choice Because His Employer Has Sucked the Joy Out of It?12/6/2014 Dear Papabear,
I admit, I'm concerned about talking about my problems because with how my life's been lately it does feel like I have a laundry list of problems. However, I do have a specific topic I'd like to focus on, so I'll try to adhere to it: my concerns regarding my career path. When I was in college, I majored in theater, something that I've discovered is one of the hardest subjects to build a successful career in. Specifically, what I focused on was making costumes, so at first I figured I could use that to get a career in the fashion industry. Unfortunately, now that I find myself working for a company that specializes in designing, manufacturing and shipping garments, I'm finding myself more unhappy than ever; the pay's barely over minimum wage where I live (and will be the minimum wage at the start of next year), I don't connect with any of my coworkers, there's no indication that the job is going anywhere, and my boss has managed to convey three rather concerning things to me: she doesn't care about my problems, she would rather have a situation arise where only I have to suffer, and she appears dead set on making sure I continue working for the company. Since joining, I've found myself less and less enthusiastic about sewing in my free time, my sleep schedule's been out of whack, and I've been finding myself experiencing physical pain in my stomach and back at times while at work, especially at times when I feel particularly stressed. I want to talk to my doctor about this, but with the pay I receive, my abnormal work hours (7 a.m.-3:30 p.m. most days, not counting the 45-60 minute drives to and from work) and the number of things I already need to set money aside for between pay days, I'm concerned about whether I can afford to schedule a doctor's appointment. I understand that my health is important and I shouldn't be neglecting it, but with how my job's set up right now I'm not exactly sure how I would be able to maintain my health. I've been given a list of local theaters I could apply to, though I've been told the positions would primarily be volunteer positions. I'm not sure I'm in a position where I can afford to not earn money, and I don't have enough time in my schedule to be able to do both things. I've been asked to consider going back to college for a two-year degree in something that's more profitable, which I'd honestly rather not do because none of the jobs that my therapist presented to me that are in high demand in my area sound like things I'd enjoy. I've been trying to connect with some of my old college professors to ask for advice, but so far this has proven fruitless. Ultimately, I guess that the question I'd like to boil all of this down to is this: was it a mistake for me to major in theater when I was in college? I love theater, drama, the creative and performing arts, and would like to believe that I could still find a career pursuing this, but is such a belief just naive, wishful thinking? I'm worried about admitting this concern to my therapist, since I feel like his responses to my concerns have started becoming formulaic and impersonal. I feel like if I were to admit these things to him, he'd just state some variation of “you should be happy you even have a job” or “there are other people in the world with the same problems you're facing” or the like. I understand these things already, specifically because they've been statements that have cropped up repeatedly in our sessions already. I'm sorry if I'm going overboard or pushing my boundaries in terms of keeping this to a single question. Thank you for at least taking the time to read this; I look forward to hearing your response at a time that works best for you. Sincerely, Valeyard (age 23) * * * Hi, Valeyard, This is the third time you’ve written me about an issue, so I am flattered you have come back. Let’s start by tackling the health issue. Judging by your letter, I would say your stomach and back pain is caused by stress. You might even have an ulcer. One question I would have is: if you can afford a therapist, why can’t you afford a doctor’s visit? Do you not have insurance? You know, at 23, you are still able to have coverage under your parent’s insurance for three more years; also, with your low income, you should be able to find affordable insurance under the Affordable Care Act. You actually are required to have insurance, so, with that, a doctor’s visit should run you about $50-$60 bucks. Take care of your health, hon. That’s a top priority. A lot of your pain could go away, however, if you resolve your work problems. Do I think you chose the wrong career path? No. I think you have the wrong company. You don’t need to go back to school if you have a college degree in a field you love. Many people make an excellent income in fashion design, and you can, too. If I were in your paws, I would start a job search coupled with networking my brains out with everyone I could think of who might have a job lead. Also, if at all possible, do not limit yourself to a specific location. The wider you cast your net, the more fish you will catch. Leave yourself open to possibilities—including other areas of the theater besides fashion (so many choices, such as stage design, sound engineering, or even areas like promotions and marketing and producing), and you might be surprised by what is out there. In the meantime, to gain some satisfaction, you might try a little freelance on the side. As a talented sewer, have you ever considered making fursuits? A good fursuit goes for $1,000 and up a pop, and you can do it from home in whatever spare time you might find. If that doesn’t interest you, how about costume accessories for furries? As a fan of the theater, I would bet you like things such as period clothing—sewing costumes with a Medieval or Pirate flare, perhaps? Steampunk? What fun! You could start your own business (a website is ridiculously easy to create and inexpensive to start these days) and sell your original creations. You can start by approaching local shops with your clothing and seeing if they will put some in their stores, selling your creations yourself online, or, if you get really inspired with designs, there are companies that will assist you with taking your concept from sketch to factory manufacturing. A good example of this is Maker’s Row at http://makersrow.com/. The American business world has changed dramatically over the last generation. The traditional work model of being hired by a large corporation and dedicating your vocational life to it has gone to the wayside. Entrepreneurship and cottage industries have blossomed with the help of our Internet culture and computer technology that has brought manufacturing within reach of the small businessperson. This is a world of digital and 3-D printing that is truly stunning. You can print books on demand, or order a special shirt just one at a time, and I even saw a young man who designs athletic shoes that are customizable and producible right inside a local shop. People with creativity and a little business chutzpah are the ones who will climb out of the minimum-wage hole that is beloved by Corporate America and find themselves standing in the sunshine of opportunity. So, no, don’t go back to school to get a degree in some field you don’t give a rat’s buttocks about. Instead, you must rediscover the joy of fashion design and the theater that your current employers have sucked out of you. Find it, grab it, cling to it, and it will be your key to a happier life. Good luck!!!! Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, I admit, I was strongly considering writing to you about these issues for a while but felt like it might be in bad taste, considering the previous submissions were regarding issues other people I knew were facing and how I wanted to help them through them. I always feel bad whenever I try to talk about myself because I don't want to run the risk of seeming clingy or selfish. Anyway, in regards to the health issues, when I said I couldn't afford to go to the doctor's, I'd meant in terms of having to take time out of my work schedule, since the job doesn't offer benefits, not even for people working full-time, save for occasional paid vacation days, which tend to fall on holidays and are only grouped over one or two days. In terms of looking in other venues in theater, I also have some acting experience and have worked on props and in wardrobe for a few shows. Furthermore, I'm also learning about audio equipment and recording since I'm also in a band (lead vocals and keyboardist), so that's something also I guess. In addition, voice over is something else I've recently taken interest in, though I'm still working on getting confident enough to feel comfortable recording myself. ...Now I'm worried that I'm trying to do too many things at once. I guess this was partially what I meant when I said I felt like I had a laundry list of problems. I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was in grade school. I'm not trying to pin that as the cause for any of my problems, or use it as an excuse for why I'm struggling with things, I just thought I should mention it in case it might be relevant. But I digress. Unfortunately, understanding the business side of theater was something that I'd neglected looking into while at college. The job search places that I've spoken to, including the career center at the university where I studied theater, have sadly demonstrated little understanding of theater-related business also. I was told that I would need to build a portfolio if I want to apply for costume-related jobs, though I received little assistance with actually learning how to put one together. I guess that these are things I should consider getting assistance in through networking? I'm sorry if I'm coming across as making excuses at this point. -Valeyard * * * Hi, Valeyard, I've received many letters from furries with Aspergers. While that can be a challenge (depending on how strong or mild the case) you can certainly work and function in society as many have done. So let's table that issue, unless you feel it is really hampering you. I imaging your therapist knows about it and is working with you on it. And please, never feel "clingy" or "selfish" because you nee to reach out to someone with a problem and need some help. That is what being a human being (or furry!) should be about: helping each other in a communal society. Never feel like you have to apologize to me. Concerning the doctor: whether it is money or time you are lacking, it doesn't matter. If you are ill, seek professional medical care, please! Again, it's a top priority! So, back to career. A portfolio is a simple thing to do. All you do is gather together samples of work that you feel is your best and represents well what you do. Put it in a folder or put it in electronic form, it doesn't matter. All a portfolio is is samples of your talent that you take with you to show to prospective clients or employers. As for your other talents, such as music and acting, it's all good. Many professional actors are also singers and musicians. A lot of actors got their start in other areas, too (Harrison Ford helped build sets, for example, before he was hired to play Han Solo). Being multi-talented should be a plus, not a minus. If you wish to do actual stage work, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get involved in your local community theater. Some of these are purely amateur productions, others are supported by Actors' Equity; with the latter, you're more likely to get paid. You'll likely have to get in at the ground floor, meaning unpaid. If you truly want it, if it is your burning desire, you will make the time to do this. If not, if you are just too afraid, or if you cannot surmount the anxieties brought on by your Aspergers, or if you spend too much time making excuses, then you are much much less likely to achieve your dream. Talk to your therapist about your goals and ask what you can do to rise above your disability to live the life you wish to live. Or, even better, tell yourself, "Screw Aspergers! I'm going to live my dream!" It's all about having confidence in yourself. Lack of confidence, overly developed humility, a sense of shame or guilt, these are all things that hold you back. Can you do it? If others can, you can, too! Here, my friend, is a list of great and talented people with Aspergers who can inspire you:
People in Entertainment
I'm not pressuring you to try to imitate their achievements, but if they can reach the stars, surely you can make a living doing what you love! Do it. Papabear Hey there, Papabear,
First, I'd like to throw some well deserved admiration your way. I think what you've got running here and what you do for so many people is wonderful. It's comforting to know there's a place where furries can ask their questions without being judged. So thank you for all the help you've given people. Okay now onto the question. I've been with my mate for about 6 months now, and I'm under the impression that our relationship has nowhere to go but up. Not to say that there aren't problems. Every relationship has them, but we're willing to talk through them, and try to avoid sweeping problems under the rug... Unfortunately I have this tendency to bite my tongue whenever I feel there's a problem that I think will escalate poorly. It's not because I don't want to deal with them. Mentally I can handle myself, or at least I think I can. I don't lose myself in streams of madness and make connections that don't make sense. The problem is the physical aspect. Inside I know I should speak my mind. I've been working on breaking out of this habit with mixed results since before my mate and I even met. But when the time comes my throat clams up really, really tightly. I lose my ability to speak and I shake and start to cry. I know it's not needed, and I don't want to do it, but it always happens. The closer I am to the person emotionally, the stronger it is. So with my mate it's agony. It's been a problem since I was a wee kitten, and Since I've had so much time to analyze it I'm pretty sure I know where it stemmed from. When my parents divorced I was left the oldest of three siblings, and as such It became my job to fill as kind of a half parent for my brothers. I kinda took on the role of protecting them from certain things. One of these things was the anger issues my father had. Lots of getting yelled at, harshly punished for being a child, and feeling emotionally held hostage. I loved him and bit my tongue and was afraid to make waves lest I be punished again. It has done a deal of damage to my emotional growth. But I have acknowledged that it was wrong for him to treat me that way, It was not my fault, things have gotten better, and my father and I have a healthy relationship now. I don't let him bully me anymore and I can stand up for myself. So Knowing all this, Why do I still have so much trouble with this physical reaction? I can't be clamming up like this forever. What if it happens in a professional situation or in front of someone where it would be costly to my future. How can I train myself to calmly and collectively speak up when we need to speak seriously? Hope this wasn't too all over the place. Thanks! Bloo (age 22) * * * Dear Bloo, Sounds like you’ve come a long way and have done very well. You know what your problem is and even understand its root cause. You’ve also developed excellent relationship skills with both your mate and the cause of your issues: your father. Good for you! Outstanding, really! What you have left over is a bad habit. When you do something long enough, physically or mentally, it becomes ingrained in you, a part of you. So, this choking back of your ability to speak is really a learned behavior, almost an addiction, and can be treated as such. One way to break bad behavior is redirection. For example, when someone is a smoker, a large part of their bad habit may be the simple physical motion of having something in their hand and putting it between their lips and taking it out again, etc. That motion can be very comforting. So, for some people, they can break their smoking habit by substituting a lollipop for the cigarette. I have known people for whom this works. At times, when the behavior is really bad, hypnotists do a redirection, too. I’ve heard of hypnotists treating suicidal people by implanting the thought in their head that whenever they feel like killing themselves they should instead snap their fingers or sing a song. This, though, is really just a patch until the real psychological trauma can be treated. With you, the psychological aspect has already been addressed. Again, it is merely the behavior that has to be retrained. You need to redirect the anxious energy you experience when you are engaged in a verbal confrontation. You might try putting a worry stone in your pocket—one of those smooth stones with an indentation that your rub with your thumb when you feel anxious. Squeeze and stress balls work similarly. The other exercise you can practice is having a dialog with your boyfriend under controlled conditions. That is, the two of you go to a calm, quiet place where there are no loud noises or distractions. Plan this ahead of time and agree on some things you will discuss. They don’t have to be serious issues, but just things that you might have different opinions about. Agree ahead of time that during your conversation no one will be forced to agree with the other person. You are just talking. There is no pressure to come to a conclusion. Agree on one to three topics ahead of time and have your talk at a scheduled time. The purpose of this is to create a situation where you are not faced with a sudden, unexpected confrontation. This will, in turn, prevent what is really a reflexive action in your throat to constrict and be silent. It will also train your mind to understand that there will be no harsh repercussions for expressing a contrary point of view the way you experienced it as a young person with your father. Do these sessions once or twice a week until you feel comfortable with expressing your opinions. Combine them, if necessary, with the worry stone or stress ball. Be patient. Unlearning a behavior can take weeks, even months or more. As long as you see progress, you’ll eventually unlearn the bad behavior and feel much less stressed out in the future. Bear Hugs! Papabear Hey there, Papabear!
First, just want to say how thankful and grateful I am for your column. It’s such a joy to read all the help you've given to furs of every sort, and watch as they grow with many letters and wonderful advice. So now its my turn to ask. I am a 19 year old college kid from the south. I'm what you call a workaholic.... I strive for 4.0 grades and spend long hours anxiously fretting about my chores, my job in the reptile house at my local zoo, my pets, my friends, my family ... anything you can imagine. I attended counseling for a short time after I suffered a bit of an anxious break caused by a really unwanted sexual encounter with a boy I was dating a while before. I am also religious (but no worries, no close mindedness here! All humans deserve to have agency in their lives). I'm also very logical, so it didn’t take long for me to address that what happened wasn’t my fault, I made it out still a virgin, and I happily continued on my way. My friends all address me as "the sane one", as I always think things through before reacting, and have helped a lot of people in grief. So that’s why this situation is so strange. I ended up taking up a hobby to fill some time (time I later wouldn’t have. Whoops! Overloaded class schedule!) And turned up meeting this fantastic man in the hobby, and we started dating after a year of being friends. We moved very fast. Emotionally, a bit physically (however, he very much respects my desire to wait till marriage for sex). We simply clicked so well, despite coming from very different lives and backgrounds, and to this moment I can see myself staying with him forever. we've never really had a fight, though I've certainly given him plenty of reason. His love, patience, and mind are unmatched. He is simply a God among men. But my worries get in the way. I soon found out via my sister (cute sweet girl she is) that he was planning to propose to me. Now, I already knew this, as we'd discussed it. But suddenly, now that I knew the day exactly, I was terrified. All the concerns that I'd pushed back in my head suddenly ran to the front. "Where are we going to live?" "How will I focus in school?" "How will we resist the temptations a year of being engaged would bring (as we agreed to wait a year to get married so my school would be in a more solid place... to his reluctance)" "We're both sickly people, what happens if I get sick and can't support him?". I knew then I wasn’t ready. I didn’t love him any less, or have any malicious thought or even concern about our relationship. Not to mention my parents and family (who are very important to me) barely knew him, and I wanted them to have a chance to understand him too. So I sat him down. We talked for four hours straight. I had planned for it to be very simple, to declare my love but explain that I just wasn’t ready yet. Engagement is very very serious to me... I didn’t want to just waltz in naively and take his love, affection, and sacrifice for granted. But the words didn’t come out right. Eventually I got my point across, but it was like putting glass figures on a shelf. They got there, but... not in tact. Its been a few days since, and its been a tad difficult. He is hurt, disappointed. And who could blame him? We still have a lot of fun together. When we're with each other, as he says, "all the worries go away", and its so true. Weird and illogical, but true. But, there’s still this underlying uncomfortable vibe I get from him. I can feel that he has doubts in our relationship. He said to take all the time I need to be ready, but he doesn’t really see what "ready" would require. And I cant find a way to explain it in a way that makes sense, cause it doesn’t make sense to me either! I love this man, I know I do. I could never match the sacrifices and love he has given me. But I desperately want to try. I want to do this right, and make sure we are ready to brave the future together. But concerns... school exams, Work, family illness issues, and then fears of the future are preventing me from giving my all right now. I know I can solve my worries, I've done it before and will find the means. But... what can I do for his worries? Nothing I say seems to fix what I broke, whatever it is I broke. We're still so happy, but some of the things he says have these worrisome undertones. I keep telling him there’s nothing to worry about, but he doesn’t believe me. I've never felt like such a kid in my life, or felt so dramatic. I feel like a teenage girl actually! Its weird! What can I do Papa Bear? How can I assure him everything is going to be ok? I know all couples have issues, but I always thought it would be... different. We are having the problem that we love each other too much. It's completely and utterly insane in a good way. I just want to find a way to express the love I so honestly and humbly feel for him. But it seems almost hopeless until I can solve my own anxieties ... and even then, what if he doesn’t believe I've solved them? Thanks Papa, you're the best -Krogan-ish (age 19) * * * Dear Krogan-ish, Wow, you are doing so much right with your life! You work and study hard, have a job that yours truly is envious of (I once applied for a zoo job, but was the runner-up because I lost to a woman with a master’s degree in zoology), have your spiritual life together while being non-judgmental of those who follow a different path, and found a great guy who is not an LDR. Bravo! The one little glitch in your life is the result of your Type A personality. You’re nervous about the idea of getting engaged and married because of all the unknown factors that introduces. You want to be certain that, if there is a crisis, such as one of you losing a job, you will be safe and secure. You and I both know, don’t we, that nothing is every 100% safe and secure? Regarding your conversation with your boyfriend. I’m guessing that you basically said you don’t want to be married right now and, after perhaps giving him some reasons, left it at that. Now he’s left wondering if his love for you is going anywhere, or if it is just going to continue as it is. While that’s not bad, he wants something more and, I bet, in the back of his mind is wondering if you think he’s good enough for you and whether you’re waiting to see if someone better comes along. Not that you are! But that’s how people can think in these cases. So, here’s what you do. First, decide whether you really do wish to get married—even if that is way down the road. If you do (and I have a feeling you do, since you say you love him), write down what it would take for you to feel comfortable enough to get married. Would it mean not before finishing school? Would it mean that both of you would need stable jobs? Would it mean having a certain amount of money in savings first? Whatever it is, write those down as your goals. Now, sit down with your boyfriend and talk about your goals in life. Your Type A personality likes to plan (yes?) because that makes you feel like you are on solid ground and will ease your insecurities. Tell him that you feel insecure about getting married now because of reasons 1, 2, and 3. So, make a plan you can both agree on and discuss milestones you wish to achieve along the way toward those goals. The prize at the end is engagement and, finally, marriage. You then have something in place that helps both of you: it eases your insecurities about the what-ifs, and it reassures your boyfriend that the relationship is going somewhere. Hope that is helpful to you! Good luck! Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I am writing because I am a furry with serious social anxiety and a burning desire to meet other Furries. My whole life most people have rejected me for the littlest things, like I am, to use their words, "the 7th grade Einstein." I like Pokemon, I am horrible at sports, nor do I like them, and I am usually seriously spontaneous. Then, three years ago, I discovered the furry fandom, and I immediately felt a burning joy inside me. My palms got sweaty, I couldn't think of anything but creating Furry characters, it was GREAT! And it was thanks to you. Yours was the site I discovered furries from. I honestly can't think of anyone but you to thank for this. I think about this site once a day at least. But I'm off topic. I need a way to meet furries. There are, in all probability, no other furries in my hometown, Rogersville, TN. It's MADDENING. I have so many things I want to do, make a fursuit (I actually thought of a way to make fursuits appear to actually appear alive, and express emotion in every thinkable way), go to a con, sell fursuits, learn to draw my 20+ characters, and finally let all this emotion out. I am sadly restricted from this for a number of reasons. My Mom doesn't know I am a furry. My Dad does and he is totally chill with it. My sis does too, My friends do but don't know much about it, nor do they care much. People at school will think me a freak, and I honestly can't go through any more rejection, and I don't know how I would get money to make a fursuit, much less how to meet furries. Honestly, right now all I want is to meet other furries. I feel alone. I can't hardly go places because I am too shy to ask if I can, people don't invite me, and I am unskilled (highly) in making friends. Papabear, honestly writing this letter alone is a great relief of stress for me. My first plan was to find a furry chatroom and meet people there, but I felt the need to ask you for help first. Eagerly hoping you'll help, Brozin Despin (age 13; Rogersville, TN) * * * Hi, Brozin, I was just curious. It's unusual for someone who is not already a furry to find my advice column. How did you come about it? Thank you. I'll write soon. Papabear * * * Hi! There is no word in the English language to describe how happy I am to know you got my letter, and I agree, it is a bit strange. So I guess I need to explain. Eight years ago, I had a large stuffed bear, which I called Big Bear. One day, I was sick, and, much to my heartbreak, I ended up puking all over it. My parents couldn't clean it, and decided to throw it away. That night (and I am deadly serious) I had a dream where I spent one last day with Big Bear. I woke up, crying. The entire day afterword, I was sad. I couldn't figure out how to deal with the emotion. Then, 3 nights later, I was still sad, and when I fell asleep, I had a dream again. I was sitting in front of a large (though it might have just been because I was little) computer. On screen was a video of me and Big Bear. He was hugging me, and I was drawing. After a while, I left the screen, and Big Bear was looking directly at the camera. Then, he spoke in a way that I couldn't hear, but FEEL. I heard him say, "Bye bye, buddy." Then, off screen, I heard what I now recognize as my 13 year-old voice, "What do I do now?" and he said, and I am extremely fluffing serious, "Ask PapaBear." Then he stood up and walked off screen, and a thirteen-year-old me walked onscreen. He smiled, showed me a yellow journal, just like my 10-year-old drawing furries journal. He then took it off screen and said "Let the fluffy Madness begin." Then, 5 years later, I was crying alone, late at night, after a brutal, "Make-fun-of-the-weirdoes Festival," as I now refer to them, hosted by the haters of me and my friends, I remembered that dream. I was so messed up that I didn't even consider if I should, got up, sneaked into my parents room, took my mom’s laptop, and typed in "Ask PapaBear." I began doing this nightly, until, and I don't know when, your site popped up. It was fantastic. I started reading the letters, and your responses. There you have it. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, unbelievable even, but that IS what happened. Thank you. * * * Hi, Brozin, That is a remarkable story, indeed. Big Bear meant a lot to you. Who gave you Big Bear when you were little? Tell Papabear a little more about him and your time together. Also, can you tell me a little more about your family? You said your father is okay with your furriness but your Mom doesn't know. I take that to mean your parents are separated? I'm glad you discovered furries and privileged that my column apparently is to blame. Let's talk some more and figure this all out, shall we? I believe that Big Bear is still there. You just have to call him back, hon. Hugs, Papabear * * * First, this is the last email I can send to you, because as I don't have wifi at home, I have to use my grandparents, and I honestly don't trust my grandma not to judge, nor my mom, so I don't want them to get suspicious. Answer time: Honestly, I don't remember much more than that I spent every single minute that I was home with BB. My parents aren't separated, it’s just that my dad was worried about how I seemed to be a bit more paranoid than usual lately, which was because I wasn't sure if he knew what a furry actually was, or had bit into the typical furry stereotype, or if he knew about furries at all. He sat me down and, after a LONG while, got it out of me. He didn't know anything, and is having me make a written summary of what a furry is. He told me it would stay between us, which is why mom doesn't know. Thing is.... I am okay with Big Bear being gone. At this point I like to imagine he is doing what I have always wanted to, see the world, help people, and make a difference. It’s nice to think that things that change my life can change, or fix, other lives. As for that dream, I have a number of logical explanations ( and a few weird ones) My favorite is the most scientifically interesting. Since humans use only ten percent of their brains, I believe the rest is calculating variables for the future, and coming up with probable futures, in the form of dreams. My most probable future being that I find the perfect place for me, an animal-based fandom, as caused due to my favorite things always being my stuffed animals. I considered writing a science paper on that theory, but as I don't have any proof yet, I am going to wait. I cant send anymore emails, but feel free to send me any you think relevant. Thanks Again Bye * * * Dear Brozin, Your story about Big Bear now reminds me of the old Disney film Pete’s Dragon in which a dragon helps an orphaned boy find a family. Once that mission is accomplished, the dragon (Elliot) goes off to help other kids in need. There are many people in the world who believe that dreams are more than just dreams; they are connections to the spiritual world or even to other parallel worlds and realities. I was just talking about this with a friend of mine. If you are skilled and know how to, you can even control these dreams so that you can dream what you wish and even return to dreams you had earlier. Native people call this “dream walking”; others have called it “lucid dreaming.” While your story is remarkable, I do not find it incredible. It has brought you to the fandom and to a place where you can find others like you. You need to be furry and join in on the community. I’ve had some writers about your age come to me before looking for a way to connect to other furries. The difficulty at your age is that you can’t drive and are not very mobile without your parents’ help. I took a quick look at FurryMap.net (far from comprehensive, but a start; you can also check out the Internet Furry Proximity Locator at http://ifpl.cattech.org/) and didn’t see any furries near you. My next suggestions for you would be that you join the Tennessee Furries group at http://tnfurs.net/forum/index.php and also the Facebook page for Tennessee Furries at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tennessee-furries/136149923070666. Also, in case you didn’t know, there is a furcon in Nashville called FangCon. By joining these groups and chatting with the members, it is hopeful you will make some furiends with whom you can connect. You might also do some searching for groups in Kentucky, Virginia, and North Carolina, as they are all fairly close to you. Another way that furries connect is through online gaming. Playing these games, you will often come into contact with other furries as you go on virtual adventures. It’s one way to make friends. The oldest online furry games are the multi-user (MU) games like FurryMUCK and FurToonia (see here https://en.wikifur.com/wiki/MU* to learn more). FurryMuck is PG-13 in content, but still, tread lightly as some older furries get a bit racy. You can also try connecting on SecondLife, which is a virtual community that has some furry-specific areas. To play SecondLife you need a pretty fast Internet connection. SecondLife can also be a rather mature, so it would probably be better to try a MUCK first. Finally, there are the usual places where many furries hang out, including SoFurry, Furry4Life, and FurAffinity (be careful of the porn, there!), as well as Facebook, where there are many furry Facebook groups. The difficulty you will face in being a furry is that it is often associated with a certain type of pornography. You are 13, which is, of course, too young for that, and, anyway, I don’t think you’re interested in it, which is a good thing! Just be careful. There will be a learning curve for you until you find the clean places to go. (Oh, and on FurAffinity, click on the SFW [“Safe for Work”] link at the top right and that will block all the adult images). I hope this helps you get started. There is a vast community out there of tens of thousands of people just like you who enjoy their furry side. It’s a great way to make friends. Here’s wishing you a wonderful experience! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I am in a relationship with a codependent, and I am miserable. I'm a rather conflict-avoidant type person, and so when I have tried to do it in the past, I have been emotionally manipulated to stay in the relationship. Crying and anger are the two things I have the least ability to deal with.... I even moved to a different city in the hope that the distance would make him loose interest and move on.... That has not worked. I have been reading a lot of articles about breaking up with a codependent, and some of them say that doing it by letter or email might be the only effective way to do it for a conflict avoidant person.... I guess I just needed advice ... and maybe someone to assure me that I’m going the right direction. Jack the Rabbit (age 24) * * * Dear Jack, Codependent people, as you have experienced, are extremely clingy and emotionally manipulative. If moving to a different city didn’t work, trying to break things off with a letter or email is unlikely to work, too. There are two people making this relationship continue as it is. You are just as guilty of continuing the suffering as he is, and you acknowledge this by writing that you can’t deal with his crying and being angry at you. Therefore, the first person you have to work on is you. You have to develop, well, a stronger backbone. Realizing that his hissy fits are actually not genuine but are his weapons for getting what he wants will help you a lot. Have you seen The Matrix? In that film, objects were not real and could therefore be avoided or moved mentally by those who realized they were just shadows generated by a sophisticated computer. A bullet is not a bullet and, therefore, can be plucked out of the air with your fingers or made to drop harmlessly on the ground. It’s the same with your codependent’s tears and yelling. They are not real. Yes, his extreme desire to cling to you like a leech is real, but he uses these other things as tools only. Treat them as the shadows they are, and they will cease to have power over you. Next, you need to tell him, in person, that you no longer wish to be his mate. Do this without blaming anyone, but do it firmly, without equivocation, without hesitation. Be kind, but be clear that you are breaking up. Finally, you need to follow through by never ever backing out of what you said. My sense is that you’ve backed down before, and this always encourages the codependent because they decide that your announcements that the relationship is off hold no weight. So! Once you tell him it’s over, you need to mean it and not let him get his foot back in the door, capisce? Codependent relationships are unhealthy, so you are making the right decision to break it off. But you need to do so from a position of strength or else it won’t work. Good luck! Papabear |
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