So this is going to get a little confusing probably...
First things first, I'm a non-fur, at least by the definition that has come to me through a few years of dealing with the fur community. However, I have a lot of friends in the fur community, some of whom are furs, some who aren't, but choose to socialize with them for the same reasons I socialize with these particular friends. The reason I joined Fur Affinity in the first place was because my boyfriend (now Fiance) had joined the fur community, but for a lot of the wrong reasons (sexual things), and it bothered me, so I wanted to see what it was all about and see if maybe I was just misjudging him. After years of ups and downs, we finally got our relationship back on track, and solidified our terms of what's okay and what's not, and now things are much better than they used to be. The problem now is that he doesn't like me being on FA anymore, because during our many 'discussions' he decided the best way to avoid causing drama due to inappropriate behavior with random furs was to just stop using the website. He does still visit it, just very rarely, and at most he'll comment on a picture his friend drew, and then delete all other activity and log out. The reasons I've stayed on FA are because I had set up my crafting business on various websites and e-shops, as well as on FA, and my biggest following for my work is on FA. The way the website is constructed is more conducive to socializing than any other I've been on, and thus it's easier for me to get my work noticed and find more customers on FA than anywhere else. The other reason being that some of my close friends happen to frequent the site as well, either socially or in a business aspect, like myself. I like to view their work, or participate in their conversations when they post journals and such, but I've unwatched any members who I feel are more about drama than anything else, just to avoid causing any drama myself. Still, whenever we wind up arguing about something, he'll bring up the fact that I'm still on FA, even though he uses it as well, and still goes out of his way to join other furry communities (gamers mostly) and still talks to many of the furs who nearly cost us our relationship more than once, despite that I don't like him talking to them. I've resigned myself to the fact that he's going to talk to whoever he's going to talk to, fur or otherwise, so is it really so bad that I stay on FA for my friends and my craft business? Or should I really consider closing my accounts? And to be clear, the reason I didn't want him in the fur community was because he'd usually make it into a sexual thing, whereas I was (and still am) very adamant about "paws off", so I never went that far. To me, there's no real reason I should close my FA accounts since I never did anything pervy with anyone there, but he did. I haven't told him not to use the site at all, I just asked him to not encourage any sexual or perverted behavior, since a lot of furs seem to just go straight for his pants. He's the one who decided to avoid the site (mostly) to make that easier to accomplish. KGH * * * Dear KGH, It’s terrific that you’re working things out with your mate. If this is the only issue between the two of you that needs to be straightened out, that’s really not bad at all. Still, let’s see if we can take care of this last bit of drama. The crux of the problem here is that there is a double standard. Your mate is allowed to go on FA but you are not. Papabear says that you should either BOTH be on FA or BOTH not be on FA. I suspect—and this is only a suspicion—that the motive here is that he wants to be on FA and start doing sexual RPs again without your seeing it (which might be why after each time he is on FA he will "delete all other activity and log out.") It is unfair of him to demand you refrain from using FA, especially when you use it for very practical, nonsexual reasons, while he continues to use it. So, well, really a short response here because the solution is basic. Both of you are in this relationship, both of you should be treated the same, so both of you should be allowed to do the same things or agree to not do them—together. The two of you need to work on that until you come to an agreement. No Double Standards! Capice? Good luck! Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
I wrote you a little while back about a love lost and must admit it felt kind of nice to hear reassuring words from someone else. It gave me a little perspective about myself from a third party stance. I'd like to throw another item your way to get some feedback on. If YOU, the readers, feel the same way about the subject(s) I'm about to throw out then feel free to contact me via Papa Bear [Papabear says: please don’t. If you want to leave a message about this letter, please put it in the Comments below. Thank you]. To say the least... I am at a loss. I have been alive for closing in on 26 years and am at a loss for words for the entire world around me. I'm going to go back in time to about age 10 when I first started building any real values on life. From the days of my childhood I was a troubled little boy in many aspects. Thinking about it now I probably did the things I did because I had an inability to deal with the world around me. Rage was a definite factor in that period of my life, mainly due to the fact that the parental units I was stuck with felt the need to constrict me by binding me to “human” standards. Ever since I can remember I've always been different. From the post I wrote about falling in love in childhood to everything else I've always operated on a different level. I tend to use the analogy that if everyone is a PC then their mental software is Windows, meanwhile I run Linux. We all do mostly the same thing in the end, however it's how to get there that defines us. Getting back to what I was saying earlier... I've always dealt with things differently throughout life. It used to be more of a carnal method of dealing with problems, but now I come from a standpoint of logic. A good example of this would be during my elementary school years when I was getting harassed by bullies, happens to some of us, however I set him right by gross reality. Instead of giving in to the system that shuns self-defense and character I took things to an extreme that at the time I felt appropriate. I brought a metal mathematical compass to school and cornered the bully next chance he tried to engage with me. My intention was to kill him. I know, extreme. I'm not ashamed of this, I mean I am only subject to the same laws of psychology as any other primate, being that I am physically of a human body. If I had to really dissect that situation and look for what caused me to go to such an end I would attribute it to... bad parenting. I won't lie, parents are a big problem for me. Everyone that's called me their son across my life has either left me or proved that they are so grossly unqualified to be a parent that I am left with just me. I can't even say I have a mother anymore, it's pathetic. I don't know the best way to explain to a parent the plight of a child in my situation whereby your mental orientation is much different than that of an everyday Joe. Suffice to say that I fully believe that I was gift-wrapped with a mental image to be deployed gradually throughout my life. It's really no wonder why over 90% of traditional parenting methods used on me never worked. I can easily say that as I age there is a mental package that unravels itself deploying the tools and mindsets that craft my personality and processing abilities. I do believe that if there is a god or some universal formula for genius (and I don't boast this) that I was either chosen for a purpose in life or got really lucky, genetically speaking. What is it that I need advice on or am fluxed about?... People. That's the general word. From HS onward I have generally learned to distrust and even hate others. It used to be because of an intellectual difference but now the frustration stems from my inability to see eye to eye with humanity. Over time, with much research and observation, I grew distant from society and humanity. I've questioned who I am time and time again and what my purpose is in this universe. Although that answer is still pervasive I have concluded that with my advanced gifts I'm meant for something big. For years, ever since I got fed up, I've dreamed of two things... Ending the use of money and forming a new, more accountable, government. That dream still remains active. There is a wide gap between me and everyone else. I don't identify as human anymore and although I am in the US, want my own government. I want to go to Mars with enough provisions for generations to come and show everyone what I try to do for them so often. My life is a life of service to this species in that I know I can better their society through example, but money gets in my way. I am once again as conflicted as I once was as a child. Here I have an extraordinary will but find myself stopped by idiocracy. I can't stand it anymore. I feel like I am being choked here not being heard or taken seriously. I'm not kidding that if it weren't for a certain financial status I have with the federal government I would have returned all forms of identification and any documents ever recorded against me and declared my territory. I am not happy. I look at the world around me and fear for what is to come for humanity. I wish to change that course for as many people as I can, but retain quips because of the past. I just feel alien amongst everyone, like this isn't where I belong. I want to go into space and leave Earth. I wish to seek asylum elsewhere, free from the bonds earthly problems. I do have a fledgling plan in mind that could theoretically gain momentum and get me to Mars, but that requires some serious partnerships. Well I've gone on long enough. Papa Bear, how would you deal with feeling like an alien on your own planet? How would you deal with reaching a level of intelligence that turns your mental calendar decades ahead? I'm at a loss. I want to go home but don't know where home is. RedFox * * * Hi, RedFox, Interesting letter. Well, let me begin with the easier part—your feelings of alienation. Many people in the world feel alienated, and I believe that one reason a lot of furries are furries is because they feel alienated from Homo sapiens. Years ago, before I knew what furry was, I felt alienated by modern technology and longed for a simpler time with no cars, computers, and a simpler society overall. I didn’t like how complicated we had made the world; I was, basically, a Luddite. Eventually, I discovered my bearness, strongly relating to Bear Spirit and a simpler way of life, which is what attracts me to the furry fandom, among other things. So I can sympathize with your desire to separate from our modern American society, but I’m not really following your train of thought. A trip to Mars to form a colony of some type would cost billions of dollars and require (as you even noted) partnerships with many people, people you would have to have to get this accomplished, and people, as you said, you can’t relate to and don’t like. The people involvement aside, where would you get so much money (your “certain financial status” with the government being in the form of financial assistance, I am betting, which indicates you are broke—am I right?), and such a mission takes literally years and years of planning and training. Even the U.S. government is having trouble coming up with money to run its space program. Unless you are in possession of super-smarts, a secret diamond mine, and have a genius plan to do this, I find the Mars option improbable, nay, impossible for you. Likewise, your notion of forming a new government somewhere seems unlikely. While it is not overly difficult to renounce one’s citizenship and move to another country, founding your own independent state is far more difficult. For one thing, pretty much every scrap of land on this planet has been claimed by one country or another (except, I believe, Antarctica, which is not a very hospitable place to live), so in order to create your own country you would have to take land from another country. Countries don’t tend to like that very much for some reason and would probably object, making their point with big guns and bombs. Similarly, overthrowing the current monetary system would take a national or even international revolution against those in power. Even if you had the chutzpah and charisma to gain a large following (and we’re talking millions of people, if you want to be serious about this) and become their leader, that again lands you in the problem of dealing with humans and having them like you, which, if you don’t like them, is hard to do. Let’s get realistic here. What we need to deal with is your troubled past, your conflict with parents, and, sounds like, several stepparents who let you down; bullies at school; and this immense anger that almost led you to kill. These are all disturbing. You could really benefit from some professional counseling and anger management. The answer is not to overthrow society or to reject society utterly like Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen, the answer is to find peace within yourself. It is easy to blame your anger and sadness on “bad parenting.” I think many people have done that, me included. Eventually, though, you need to grow up and take charge of your own life and destiny. You come to a point—hopefully—where you must become independent of other adults, trim your sails, and navigate your own course. Part of becoming an adult, which allows you to do this, is learning how to deal with other people. Unless you know how to grow your own food, weave your own clothes, build your own home, husband your own domestic animals, generate your own energy, find your own, clean water source, etc., you will need other people in your life to help you. Perhaps the key is to find others who have similar views to your own. The furry fandom might help with that. There are people within it, such as therians and otherkin, who might empathize with your feeling that you are not fully or even partly human. You are not really clear on how you truly feel inside (alien? animal? other-dimensional being? superbeing?) so I can’t guide you in that direction, but the Internet is a remarkable tool for locating and beginning dialogues with people who share your interests and feelings (I had no clue what furries were before I found the Internet, which didn’t exist when I was a cub). I would suggest you explore that option rather than isolating yourself entirely from all sentient beings on this planet, which, for the moment, is pretty much limited to Homo sapiens (perhaps some cetacean species and ape species, but I have a feeling you won’t associate well with chimps or dolphins, either). If it is a matter of pure intelligence that separates you, there are a lot of brilliant people out there. If your intellect is truly such that it is of “a level of intelligence that turns your mental calendar decades ahead,” then you should contact Mensa (www.mensa.org), the society specifically created for highly intelligent people. They have a 30-minute test on their website to see if your IQ meets their standards. I’m sure, since you assert you are brilliant, you will pass the test. Then, you can join the ranks of a very elite group of men and women and find a more stimulating environment suitable to your abilities. In short, Papabear would advise you not to leave the planet, overthrow the monetary system, or form your own country. Papabear would advise you to learn how to deal with your anger (possibly with the help of some therapy) and seek out people who are more like you so that you may get some healthy social interaction and feel more at home on our little blue ball of a planet. Good luck, Papabear Hey papa bear,
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with stress and life in general. My family has a lot of crap that always comes up, yet I can't say anything and I’m supposed to just take all the bullying from the external sides of the family during the holidays. Seeing this pressure stresses my mom out to the point every year, in November she loves Christmas but as soon as it's December, she's about to have a nervous breakdown from the external family taking everything out on her. On top of that stuff, my mate is trying to move out to a friend's house in California as quickly as possible, but I’m getting more and more stressed out by how hard he's having it now where he lives currently. I don't know what to do anymore papa bear.... I feel like I’m either a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and just nuke everyone with a rant and my emotions. Yet at the same time, I feel like I’m being sucked back into the depression I had during junior high school when I wanted to kill myself. Am I taking all this to heart WAY too much and am making myself go insane, or am I being too selfish and need to focus on my immediate family and mate and help them out? very confused pup, Owen * * * Dear Owen, Ah, the traditions of Christmas.... eggnog, festive trees, the lights, the garland, food, relatives and STRESS! By “external” relatives, Papabear gathers you mean the “extended” family, such as uncles, cousins and such? And it sounds like they all flock to your house, where your mom has to cook and clean for them and entertain them. She sounds like the kind of person who takes a lot on herself to try and make everyone happy. People often put stress on themselves. This is something Papabear is very guilty of himself, so take my advice with a grain of salt because I have a hard time following it myself. I’m betting you take after your mother, allowing things beyond your control to stress you out and even inviting in more stress into your life unnecessarily. But, too, you mention this “bullying” by your relatives. I’m not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound like something loving family members should be doing. Then there is also your mate and your concern for his move and his home situation that is causing you stress. One thing we need to learn in life is to not get stressed over things that are beyond our control. You, Owen, cannot control how your mother reacts to relatives and the stress she puts on herself, nor can you control what is happening to your mate. In both cases, you can offer your love and support, but you need to adopt a Buddhist attitude and not burden yourself with other people’s stress. As for your relatives, you say you are “supposed to just take all the bullying” from them and keep your mouth shut. Given that you have a mate, you are old enough to defend yourself. This is what I call “getting your GRRR on.” You should not have to take verbal or physical abuse from anyone, and if your parents tell you to “just take it” they are not being supportive and loving parents. The extreme end of this is parents not listening to their children when they have been sexually harassed by a relative (a situation Papabear has seen several times from letter writers). Wouldn’t you say those victims have the right to their family’s support? Same goes for whatever is happening to you. You have a right not to take abuse from others and to stand up for yourself. Period. If is to the point of, God forbid, criminal abuse, and your parents don’t listen, then time to contact police or social services. If it is just teasing and making fun of you, then make fun at them back, tease them back. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat to nasty people. Even though blood is supposedly “thicker than water,” that doesn’t give your relatives license to be cruel to you. That said, I must continue with this comment: you suggest you might become suicidal from all of this stress just as you were back in junior high. Really? Suicidal because your family is being a pain and your mate is having a stressful move? Owen, try and get a little perspective here. These situations, while a pain in the butt, are certainly FAR from cause for committing such a drastic act. Actually, there is NO cause for suicide Papabear can think of (with the possible exception of suffering excruciating pain from a terminal illness; I’m not advocating that, but it is understandable). I’m glad you wrote to me, Owen. I hope this letter gives you a little objective perspective. When we are living within our own lives and our own perspective, sometimes things seem magnified and more desperate than they really are. Are you in good health? No one in your life is grievously sick or dying? You have enough money to get by? A place to sleep, food to eat, clothes to wear? Then you can get through this without doing anything radical. In the meantime, you need some stress relief. Papabear always advocates exercise and meditation to help. There’s another thing, too, if I may be a little naughty: sex. I’m not sure where you live in relation to your mate, and I’m assuming you’re of legal age for this, but a terrific way to relieve yourself of stress would be to perform some mattress athletics with your mate *wink wink*. So, Owen, take a deeeeeeeeeeeep breath, realize you are not in charge of everyone’s life and therefore not responsible for their stress (though you can offer help), defend yourself from derpy relatives, and relieve your stress with exercise and meditation techniques. Good luck! You can get through this! Papabear Dearest Papabear,
As I am discovering my fursona more and more, I have been thinking.... Since my fursona is my alternate personalty does that mean I have multiple personality disorder? -Rissa * * * Dear Rissa, Short answer is no, you do not have multiple personality disorder. MPD, also called Dissociative Identity Disorder, involves uncontrolled shifts in two or more personalities and is typically accompanied by unexplained periods of memory loss. This is quite different from what you or I do when we adopt our fursona personalities for a little furry fun. The fursona is something you wear, like a fursuit. You can put it on or take it off at will. MPD, on the other hand, is not controlled by you. The mental illness controls you not vice versa. When you get into your fursona’s personality, it’s a lot like being an actor or actress. It is assuming a role for play. Doing so, you can enhance or deemphasize parts of your own personality, and you can liberate yourself from inhibitions that might prevent you from acting the way you would like to is social situations. So don’t worry, Rissa, you’re fine! Hugs, Papabear Hello,
I have a problem. Not too long ago I stumbled across my mate’s messages and he was messaging his ex mate saying he loved him and he ended up Yiffing him (online). I confronted my mate. He told me he was off the pills that he takes and he messed up and after nights of fighting things have settled down slightly. I have been mad at him still and feel stabbed in the back. He's stopped contacting him as far as I know but I'm having a hard time getting over this... I'm having a hard time trusting him. I have been yelling at him a lot still and have these moments where I just want him to go away :/ but I still love him. I just can't trust him like I use to. What should I do? --Blade * * * Hi, Blade, May I ask a quick question? It sounds like your mate was taking some kind of drug for psychological reasons and he only contacted his ex while he was off the drugs. Did he contact him while he was ON the drugs? Did he do this more than once? Thanks for the clarification. Let me know and I'll write again soon. Papabear * * * Yes he was off his medication when he started to contact him and no he didn't have any other messages before he said he was off them and no he hasn't done this more than once. It's the first time he's done this. * * * Blade, Well, then, if it were me, I would chalk up the whole incident to the lack of medication and forgive him. Don't you think so? It's not fair to be mad at someone when they are not in their right mind. Papabear * * * Ya I guess I'm just so use to depending on him for everything I thought he would of made a better choice but I understand. Thanks. Dear Papabear,
I know that the people my parents used to tell me to stay away from when I was a kid. And I also know some of those people are around on the internet. It's not my place to judge them, but there are just some people- I'm referring mainly to furries here - who are rude, arrogant, controlling, abusive of their fame, douchey and downright creepy. It is, of course, very rude to just point fingers at those people and call them that. I've seen on fur in particular, we are online in the same furry websites, and I see him through his posts, artwork and comments; his attitude is very unappealing, he's very loud and controlling; arrogant, attention-seeking and dramatic. But he is very popular and has a huge amount of watchers and patrons. And then he approached me, trying to make friends. He followed me then tried adding me to his friends list, but I declined, because I didn't know him and I only add people I know to my friends list. Then he goes and comments: “What's wrong? Don't you like me?” And I found that very off-putting. And after I explained that I don't put strangers in my friends list, he leaves me a message: “Do what you want. Whatever.” [He] has in fact done something before to a person who blocked him: he openly mocked the blocker in a public chat. But since that person was famous, and also was like an assistant to the admin, some people even sided with him. My friend (whom the person I don't like said I shouldn't be friends with) said that the person I don't like has a bad background for being dramatic. And I do see it from that person's actions. That's why I'm worried he may do the same to me, or to my friends. And now, he unwatched me, and then pointed out to one of the old friends I have on my friends list, saying that “she’s not a good person, you should stay away from her ... etc.” Papabear, I really don’t want to be friends with this person. I’m worried, though, that if I just block him, he will make a huge deal out of it, be dramatic about it to his watchers and maybe even spread rumors. What is the right way to talk to him? And tell him that he can’t just force his friendship on me? And is there anything I can do to protect myself and my friends from what he might do with all his fame? With thanks in advance, -- Jon * * * Hi, Jon, One word for the person you just described: immature. Of course, all popufurs are such, having a pathetic need to be validated by the recognition of people they don’t even know or particularly care about. Then, when rebuffed by people like you, they take instant offense and act like collosal derps. Such people need to lay down on a psychologist’s couch and get some serious brain inspection work in this bear’s opinion. So, you are concerned that this popufur is now going to spread nasty rumors about you because you rejected being sucked into their pathetic world of ego masturbation? Don’t worry about it, hon. Know why? Because your real friends will know you are cool, and those who are intelligent and can recognize a popufur when they see one will consider the source and take their words for what they are: garbage. Since you are not interested in being this person’s friend (and who can blame you?) there is no need to try to talk to them. And there is no need to worry about what this person says about you. Rumors cannot stick if they are not applicable to the person being burned. In other words, if you are a good person in real life, that reputation you build on being a good person will trump any unsubstantiated rumor by a infantile popufur. My guess is that this person is only popular and has a following because he or she draws furporn and does so very well. Am I correct? I’d be curious to see if my instincts work even when I am tired, hehe. So, to summarize, Jon, the only person you have to prove your worth to is yourself. When you are confident in your own value as a good human being, you treat others around you well, which is a good way to make and keep real friends. When you have good friends and, hopefully, a family who loves you, who cares what other people think? Especially people who aren’t even worth keeping as friends on Facebook? Chill, hon. You’re doing fine. Don’t bother talking to the derpy popufur. There are more important things in life to worry about. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm not even exactly sure what my question is supposed to be.. I don't even know how to exactly depict the problems I'm experiencing.. It's all just one big mess.. I've only been what you would call a furry for about half a year. I've been watching, reading, and viewing everything there as to do with furries for way longer than that, but I could never really get myself to finally join the community for fear I'd just be rejected.. Even now, though, I hide behind a fursona name I created years back as one of my characters in a fanfic I've been writing. The fursona I created is a girl while my actual identity is a boy. I can't stress enough how much self-confidence I've lost to resort to something as squeamish as this. I've been interested in furries since I was thirteen. You know, the average teenager stumbling onto the internet is usually looking for hardcore porn or Playboy magazines, while I on the other hand stumbled straight into furries. I don't know what it was about them, but I connected quickly and I haven't looked back since. The reason I connected to furries I guess is because furries were something I found after finding the adult side of Pokémon and other cartoons. I don't know exactly why, but I think I wanted to continue my childhood even through my teenage years by viewing it in a more adult setting. In the end, it just made everything slightly worse, and I pay the price because of it. To get down to the point, because I know you're extremely busy and when I'm depressed I type a lot, yes, I'm extremely depressed. I have been since the age of eleven. My childhood sucked, my alcoholic mother chasing me around the house on one of her drunken bipolar rampages with a knife, but that really wasn't what caused my depression. Two stepdad's later it finally hit. When I was nine years old, my mom brought her second boyfriend into the house after only four years of her being separated from my dad. I guess I didn't care at the time; he had a twelve year old son I could get to know and hang out with. The problem was, he wanted to 'hang out' with me in a different setting. A month into meeting him he started to sexually harass me and make advances. I had no idea what was going on and me being a little kid assumed it was some new game and followed along. I never told my parents or older sister because he told me not to, and looking back on it, I could have saved myself so much trouble if I had.. The summer of 2004, I was ten years old. He was continuously making advances on me, but I hated it at that point. I learned that it was 'sinful', as I called it back then. By now I've lost all religion, but back then I went to church all the time and learned about it. I finally told him to stop, and I thought it would be over.. That night he raped me. In the basement of my mother's own house, my sister's bedroom not even twenty feet away and my younger eight year old brother asleep right next to us. I woke up to find him on top of me and he told me not to scream or he would do the same thing to my younger brother.. Going back to religion, since everyone thinks you need to believe in something, what kind of god, if you will, would EVER put one of his believers in a situation like that? Fuck this free will bullshit, I was violated in my own god-forsaken house.. I told my mom the next week when I knew he wouldn't be there and my brother was out of trouble. My mom didn't believe me and told me to quit making up stories. She even made me apologize to him the next week for making these 'outlandish' accusations against him.. Needless to say this is the reason I'm suicidal and depressed.. Since then, it's been nine and a half years. I'm nineteen years old, still live with my dad, I've lost all respect for my mom, and my stepbrother is out of the picture since his dad died. Even now, I don't know why I can't put the past behind me. I still watch and play Pokémon and other childish games, something I should have given up years ago. I refuse to emotionally grow up, because the knowledge of losing everything I've held onto over the last nine years is heartbreaking. I've also only told really close friends about what I've been through, and most of them don't even acknowledge it or don't believe me whatsoever.. What should I do? I can't put the past behind me because I'm just not strong enough.. I'm openly crying in front of my keyboard right now.. I haven't told anyone else in my family, because when I tried to tell my brother, he assumed I was going to talk about depressing shit and shoved me away and wouldn't listen. My own brother, the one person I put EVERYTHING on the line for, won't listen to me when I needed him. I've gotten to the point where I don't see myself making it to the age of twenty with everything that's going on in my head right now.. I know there are other people out there who are worse off then I am. But you know what? This is the only place I really have left to be able to openly talk about everything. The internet has now become my only true friend, but even then, it's not enough to save me from the inevitable.. Sorry for wasting your time, ~Emmi * * * Dear Emmi, The good news is that the rapist is out of your life; the bad news is that the pain he inflicted is still very real and is still hurting you. Your mother’s denial of the situation when it was still happening is typical of families, unfortunately, who don’t want to deal with the situation and can’t believe that something that horrible could happen in their own home (it happened to my sister and mother, as well, both victims of my grandfather). What you need to do at this point is find a little professional advice on the subject. Papabear wrote a similar column about rape last June (http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/06/furry-was-raped.html) and one of the organizations I suggested was the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network at www.rainn.org, which provides all sorts of useful information, as well as ways to get help. I strongly suggest you start there. You need to talk to people about what you have been through, and since your family has pretty much let you down, Papabear is glad you found the fandom and that you reached out to me, as well. That you did so is a good indication that there is hope for you and you won’t spiral out of control. Keep reaching out and talking to people. If you have a Facebook account, there are a few support groups there, too, such as https://www.facebook.com/groups/14357067172/?fref=ts and others. (Just type “rape victim”) in the search box and they will come up in the search results. Some of these groups are closed and you have to ask to join. A couple of other things regarding your letter.... It is quite logical that your fursona is a female not a male. Fursonas are often a means for people to deal with, or avoid, personal issues, and by picking a fursona of a different gender it helps distance you from what happened to you (as a boy) a while back. You wrote, “I can't stress enough how much self-confidence I've lost to resort to something as squeamish as this,” but actually you should understand it as a defense mechanism and nothing to be ashamed about. Probably, when you have learned to manage your pain a bit better, you will be more comfortable with a fursona of your own gender, but that doesn’t have to be the case. Some very well-adjusted furries adopt fursonas of the opposite sex just for fun. You don’t have to feel bad about that. Likewise, your interest in “childish” things is a logical effort to recapture the childhood innocence that the rapist took from you. It is okay to do that, as well, as long as you recognize the difference between childlike and childish. Childlike is the innocent wonder and even awe of the world and delight in things that are fun; childish is acting selfishly, immaturely, and irresponsibly. Papabear bets you want to find that childlike aspect of yourself again, and do not really mean that you want to be childish. It’s okay to like Pokémon or My Little Pony or Christmas shows featuring Rudolf and Santa. One of the great things about furries is how they can be irrepressibly childlike. That is one of the things that attracted me to the fandom, too. And as for religion, well, that is a difficult one, isn’t it? Many victims of crimes such as rape, parental abuse, assault, or the death of a loved one question the existence of God. They become angry, too, wondering how the concept of a “loving God” can be true if He lets such horrible things happen. I’ve written on this subject, too, for my column, so to save space, please click on http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/08/what-to-do-with-evil-in-the-world.html. Now that you are 19, the good news is you are entering into adulthood, where you can take control of your own life instead of being under the thumb of other adults who, in your case, did an awful job of protecting you. You have your entire life ahead of you, and it can still be a great life. Take charge of it, lick your wounds, and move forward as best you can. I hope you make many furiends who can help you along the way. This has NOT been a waste of my time, so do not fret. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
Alright, this question's kind of a doozy, so I'm going to be a little vague on the intimate details (so as not to upset anyone else, yanno?) Essentially, thanks to bad experiences I've had with dealing with people online a few years ago (along with discomfort and fear being present already) a few common fetishes in the fur fandom have developed into a psychological trigger for me- I get incredibly nauseous and have a panic attack if I run across it or someone talks about it (unless they're making jokes) or tries to push it on me. (I'm not going to name which ones, again, so I don't offend people who do like them, as that's not my intention) That said, the guy I've been dating the past few months knows about this. I told him from the start how much of an impact they had on me and he said, essentially, 'I don't really like them anyway so its not a big deal at all, so staying away won't be an issue'. Well. Last night he confessed to me some friends had been trying to push him into roleplaying one of them (he does character roleplay in a non-sexual manner- rather than the stuff most furries do) and he went along with it a few times for s**ts and giggles and now he says he likes it but didn't want to say anything to me because he knew how much it affected me—so he did it behind my back and just hoped he'd never have to tell. I love the hell out of him, but telling me 'I didnt think there would be consequences' when I out and out explained how even talking or thinking about it affected me so negatively is kind of a terrible excuse, you know? He felt really horrible and was panicking that he'd ruined our relationship and promised it'd never be a thing again- and I believe him when he says it- but I'm having issues dis-associating him with the things that trigger me. I don't even want to THINK about breaking the relationship off—he means way too much to me and I really do love him—but, for my first question, do you have any advice with not associating him with the thing that makes me have panic attacks? The second question is that my best friend, a very good friend of his as well (who I used to date, months ago, but we agreed that we were looking for different things in a relationship and it wasn't going anywhere as long as we stayed together—we used our bond to form a strong friendship that I'm thankful for on a constant basis) is upset with me and saying I'm 'stifling his interests' and 'being insensitive to the fact he likes something' when...I can't really help the fact I get triggered by this. If it was just a simple dislike, then sure, I'd understand, but my boyfriend should've considered 'hm, this thing really upsets the guy I love to the point it causes physical symptoms, maybe I shouldn't get involved' and I'd like to think that its justified that I be upset, under the circumstances. Your take on how I should handle this? I know if the roles were reversed I would've stayed far, far away from it as a whole, or at the very least brought it up going 'I'm curious about this, would it upset you if I looked into this?' and sparked a discussion about it where he could say 'no, I don't like you looking into this because of how it affects me and it'd most likely cause problems later on, so please don't' if he felt that way. Any advice you can give would help a ton! Zeke * * * Hi, Zeke, Sexual compatibility is an essential feature of any healthy romantic relationship. The two of you need to sit down and come to an agreement of what is and isn’t okay. Just because you wouldn’t do what your partner did and would have “stayed far, far away” is not really fair because you are not him. Sex is important. If either one of you is not sexually satisfied for some reason, then there is a problem. You might need to explore an open relationship of some kind. On the other hand, perhaps the guy you are dating just wanted to find out what that little fetish was about and now has it “out of his system” and doesn’t feel the need to do it anymore. That is something you need to find out and clear up while the two of you are just in the dating phase of the relationship. He said he understands the problem you have with fetishes, and he needs to decide whether or not he is willing to respect that demand on your part or not. Go talk to him. And good luck! Papabear An Editorial from One of Papabear's Faithful Readers
The furry community means a lot to me. It always has growing up, even when I didn't know what it was called or who I was. The furry community has helped me more than once, and in more than one way. It means a lot to me, and I don't know what I would do without it. Without it, I think, I would go back to that endless loop of being "Oh yeah, I'm legit 100% alien attention whore with no life pretending to be something I'm not." To my new, real me. Expressive, and who I [am] really deep down. Not only have I found myself, but so has my mate, and I've made many friends, more than I would in school or in other places. People who are more understanding, and accepting, who try to listen to you and you can listen to them. Yes, there is a bad side to the community where people earn us the bad looks and thoughts, but if you look past all of those sick popufurs, there's people in here, like Papa Bear, who care and stop to help not only you, but others in need of help, no matter what. Regardless of how many people who come and try to argue, push you down, you have other fellow furries who will help you back up, will drop everything to try to help. And you would do the same for them. Not only me, but other people I know try to help the newcomers, the ones who need help figuring what it's really like to be a furry and who to be friends with when it comes to the big overview. The importance of it all, if you don't have to be in the closet, you don't have to hide who you are. All simply you have to do is be yourself. And you have people who are here and will support you. And will as long as you do to them. People are kind here, where people give out free art, and show people new things, help them in this long and winding road of life. We do not choose who we are, but we choose to show it or not. And here, in the Furry Community, you can do that and not be judged. And when you are here, you can brush those unaccepting people away, because you know you have people here that stand side to side with you. You learn new things every day, and you can come and help cheer people up when they're down in the dumps. Just being nice gives them a smile, where they can express how they feel, blow off the steam when they need the feel to rant, and people will take their time to stop, and out themselves in your shoes, and smell the flowers. They listen when you try to explain, and everyone works as a family. We are all one big family. One Big happy family. --Eyon Dear Papabear,
I'm writing to you trying to find confirmation on how I'm feeling about my relationship with my roommate. My roommate and I are both furries, bi and have been friends for about three years. We became closer as friends when he became homeless and I was moral support for the transition. Once he was able to find a place, I helped out by purchasing furniture for the apartment and generally checking in with him by text and weekly visits once I was back in the area. During the following school year, this closeness on my part turned to attraction but when I told him how I felt, he turned me down saying I wasn't his type. When I asked if we could go out and give it a try anyways, he began to make up excuses. Finally he admitted to being attracted to someone online and had begun a long distance relationship with her. During this time his personal life improved as while he talked with her, I was still a source of companionship. But then the stresses of life began to drive a wedge between us and he became withdrawn. He later told me that he was having problems with his roommate and keeping up with bills. I helped him out twice with making rent. When issues with his past roommate became too much for him to handle and began to worry me to the point of fearing for his safety, I helped him get settled in my apartment which I had reserved for the next school year with the understanding that he would watch it for me and take care of things as needed as I was studying abroad for the summer. During my time away, he let his homeless friends use the shower and kitchen, sleep on the porch, his ex-(now evicted) roommates spent the night, one without his permission, nearly getting him and me also evicted and let people I didn't know stay and rifle through my belongs I had moved in before my trip. Because of this when I returned I found 100 dollars in money missing, movies and clothes gone and entire bin of my belongs missing. When I asked him what happened he admitted he had let them say and told me that they had gone through my stuff. He apologized but I felt that his behavior put me in a difficult as now I had to kick the homeless off my porch and try to sort through what was missing. His lack of effort to be "the heavy" and to have general respect for the person he lives with by laying down the law with his guests caused issues with my family who considered kicking him out. I still have a soft spot for him. He's smart, funny and easy to be around and live with mostly. He does however smoke weed even though he knows that the smell gets everywhere and my family and his are against it, spends his money on weed instead of paying for rent or food first (I've covering rent for three months now and buy groceries cause he does want to). He spends most of his time playing video games and talking to his girlfriend online. She and I aren't on good terms either as she cheated on her last boyfriend with my roommate and has another guy lined up for when she goes to college and breaks it of with my roomie. Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he says he's trying and that I need to understand it's hard for him. He says he needs weed to relax, he loves his girlfriend and needs to drive 9 hours, taking of work to do so, to visit her. I think he's allowing himself to go down the same path that resulted in his original homelessness. Our friends in the college and neighborhood do to. My own friends think he's a hopeless cause and I've been told to be careful lest I get dragged down too. I still care about him deeply. I won't say I love him, but it's close. I don't want to send him packing because in a way he saved me from a deep depression after some of my high school friends betrayed me after I went to college. I'm scared that if I turn my back him, he'll revert to his past behaviors and wipe up in trouble much more quicker than if I'm watching out for him. What complicates this more is that I've been getting mixed messages from him on a more intimate level. At a party one night, he mentioned being cold and wanting to share his bed with a friend and me. That morning however when he woke up, he freaked out to find me next to him. When we eat out he'll brush his foot over mine multiple times and get embarrassed when I point it out. He's even began to flirt with me somewhat when he drinks. It's a little awkward, especially if I return the flirt he gets bashful or tells me to knock it off. All in all, I'm tired of taking care of someone who is only a year younger than me. I'm trying of his games when I just get brushed aside so he can skype his girlfriend. Whenever I try and talk to him about how I feel, all I get is a insincere apology and nothing more. His words means very little to me has his actions never back them up. I don't trust his word at all so when he actually keeps it I'm surprised. Any suggestions? Thanks for your time and thought, J-Chat * * * My Dear J-Chat, I believe cases like yours are what may have originally inspired a phrase that is now abbreviated as “WTF,” or, in more polite language, “Are you kidding me?” You are being used and emotionally manipulated by a derp, or, in more psychological terms, you are empowering someone to take advantage of your ersatz codependency; that is, not a codependency as one might find in a marriage, but one in which there isn’t even an actual commitment of any sort between the two of you. Not only is this guy taking advantage of your good heart, generosity, and extreme tolerance, but he makes these gestures toward you to encourage you to believe there might be a possibility of a loving relationship only to pull out and, as you noted, hang out with his girlfriend, who is also a user who switches boyfriends according to what is convenient to her needs at the time. In addition to this girlfriend, your roommate hangs out with other losers and users who then in turn use you. You make excuses for him. Boo hoo, he had a rough time. Wah wah, he needs his weed to get over his stress. OMG. If he’s so smart and funny, why doesn’t he use those smarts and charisma to get a life? He has taken your money, taken your heart, taken advantage of your trust to trash your apartment with his loser friends, and all you get is a wan smile, a lame apology, and insincere footsie action under the table. Look, I try very hard in my column to sympathize with other people and understand their viewpoint and position. The vast majority of those who write me have serious problems and are genuinely trying to solve them and become better people. You, J-Chat, are a good person to a fault. You have given and given and given and are selflessly concerned about your roommate. Your roommate, on the other hand, makes me want to barf up the salmon I had for dinner. He might be charming, but he is not a good person. I tell you this from an objective viewpoint, which is why, I hope, you wrote to me—to gain some perspective. Charity is a wonderful thing. Giving and living for other people is why we were put here on Earth, I firmly believe. But we can’t do that when our own well-being is destroyed by the recipients who take our charity without appreciation and who do nothing to try to be better persons themselves. A user, by definition, is someone who takes and doesn’t give back. A person who coasts through life, leeching off the good will of others who, if they don’t wise up, become suckers. Time to wise up, J-Chat, and open your eyes to the fact that this guy will suck the very life out of you without a hint of regret. Don’t worry about what happens to him if you are strong enough to cut the ties. I’m sure he’ll find someone else to use. Sorry to say that, but you did ask. Please take my words in the spirit they are intended: to try and help you. I hope it works out for you. Hugs, Papabear |
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