Dear Papabear,

To get straight to the point, how does one find inner balance?

Sorry, I like to get to the point of things but I'll give you some background to better understand the question.

Yes, I am a fur, in case you were wondering. I'm also a homosexual, a Christian, and part of the military as well. What I want to know is how can I find the Equilibrium I'm searching for. My 'fursona' in reality is not one, but two. Eruantien, the German Shepherd Hyena mix that is a sweet heart, everything my adoptive parents taught me to be, and a good deal of the better Christian part of me. The second fursona is Thel, the kangaroo dragon mix, whom is all the military has taught me to be, all that life has shaped, and the colder half of my heart.

This obviously isn't something that happens over a night of sleep, this happened over months and next thing I knew, my closest friends tell me after time of not being together that I'm the same as always, I haven't changed, but there's times when they see my 'Dark side' and are astonished I could be that way.

When I look at them as simple projections of myself, I see Thel as the shell, rough and tough, cold, calculating, practical, blunt and insensitive self protecting my heart, soft, emotional and usually too sweet for his own good, Eru.

My only issue is the switch between both, at times I'm too good that I'm a doormat, at others I'm told to be very cold and hostile that people fear me and don't want to know me. Honest to God, I really don't mind. I tend to be on the anti-social side and if I talk to you and let you in, it's rare and a moment the heavens opened to say Hallelujah.

Moving along, I'm trying to find a balance, but with the few labels I gave away and how people are very prejudiced and almost instantly label, stereotype, and assume things about you and your life, it's not all that hard to believe why I choose not to open up and share, why I love simply being cold and indifferent...

Sadly, this has been brought up to my attention by those that care about me. Just today I was given a little intervention by three of my closest loved ones, my adoptive parents and my high school chem teacher whom I keep in touch with after all these years. They feel that my apathy and reluctance to admit I'm gay, which I hate the word, I'm a damned homosexual, get it right, geez, the hostile attitude, the cold way I look at people and that it comes off as a superiority complex, which I don't have because I swear I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I just don't really socialize unless I HAVE to, and so on and so forth and lets add some blah blah blah to it there as stuffing.

Sorry, let me take a moment to actually chuckle, (snorts and laughs), I guess now what I'm trying to do is be aware of what they say, but I can't seem to find the in-between of my two halves? 

Don't tell me I have MPD, I don't think I should add that to my list of labels.

Much love and appreciation,
happy new year's while I'm at it!
-Eru Thel Tecuani

* * *

Hi, Eru Thel Tecuani, and Happy New Year to you, too!

No, I will not tell you that you have Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). I’m no expert, but based on what you said, I would not label you as such.

Furries having multiple fursonas is not at all uncommon. We adopt our fursonas for many reasons. One reason is that it allows us to express a side of our personality that we don’t really show in public. Or, it can serve as a way to enhance the qualities in ourselves that people do know about but don’t see very often.

As for your “dark side,” everyone has one. People are often startled to find that I have one as well. If you ever saw a pic of my human face, I look like kind of a geeky, pleasant, white bread guy, but I do have aspects about me that are not readily apparent. Similarly, like you, I have a very antisocial side. There are many times I would just like to be left alone and not have anyone disturb me, not even my mate. But I am not like that all the time. Two very important things in my life help me to achieve social balance: the furry community and my mate. They compel me to meet new people and become more open to others.

Your two fursonas are a way for you to deal with the two aspects of your personality. The only problem I’m seeing—and you see it, too—is that the colder, less sociable side of you is dominating over the sweet, gentler side. Part of this might be because of your military training and experience, and part could be about a lack of trust you have developed for other human beings. You don’t mention anything about your childhood or other experiences, but I would infer that some things may have happened to you in your life that have caused you to raise your shields and become defensive and protective of your emotions.

The only way you will achieve balance, then, is to regain some of that trust for other people that you have evidently lost in your life. That is something that can take a lot of time and a lot of work. It involves your reconnecting to those you love, such as your stepparents.

In a way, you have become addicted to being cold and distant. You have found that it works for you in that it prevents you from being hurt. The side effect of this strategy, though, is what you are feeling now: this lack of balance. You are, in fact, sacrificing that part of you that you know is loving and caring and that wants more out of life than what you are providing by building this tough exterior.

But there is another side of this, too. You mention that when you open up your gentler side you end up being a doormat. Hoo, boy! Have I been there, too! Your bad experiences with that probably also contribute to your tougher side’s domination of your personality in a kind of snowballing effect toward the “dark side” (i.e., I’m guessing you are Thel more often than you are Eru). I suspect that the doormat effect comes about because you do not have enough experience in opening up to people, and so you need practice in being a better judge of character. More practice will help you figure out who is more likely to take advantage of your kinder side and who won’t do that to you.

So, now you have a choice: you can continue what you are doing or you can try and change it. I feel you have a desire to change it, which is good. You will need to chip away at that outer shell and learn to let people in again. You don’t have to rush into that. Proceed slowly. Spend more time with people you like and trust and do things together with them. Start having more conversations with those you love, like family members, about what you are feeling inside.

Also, if you are not aware of them already, there are a number of Christian Furry and Military Furry groups out there on Facebook, Furry4Life, and other sites. You could probably get a lot of help by joining such groups and talking about the complexities of being gay, being a soldier, being a Christian, and being a furry all at the same time. Support from people who share your experiences is a great way to gain trust in others and friendships that can last a lifetime.

Back to your fursonas. Since fursonas are a good way to protect yourself while interacting with society, I would like to suggest you spend more and more time being Eru and less time being Thel. You might not realize this but Eru, being an alter ego to your human side, can be just as effective a protector as Thel. As a fursona, he is a buffer between you and human interaction, even when his outer shell is one of love and friendship rather than strength and stoicism.

I hope that makes sense. Write again if I wasn’t being clear enough and we can talk further.

I wish you luck and happiness and love,

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Before continuing, know that this problem is neither urgent nor very serious, so there may be other letters you'll want to tend to before this one.

My problem is quite personal and some may even call it petty. In a nutshell: I don't like that name I've chosen to make myself known with around the net. My username, "daelmacro" has become what I call myself in various places in the internet cloud and for the longest time, I've been living with it, trying to make myself known here.

But so far, I've been just another user, and honestly, I think my name has a lot to do with it. It's neither original nor catchy. It's probably not even that memorable. There are a lot of furs with the "macro" suffix in their name, and I unknowingly attached this to my username without knowing what it implied. Second, my name is easily, and very commonly misspelled...which deeply annoys me. A lot of people make it "dale" or "marco" instead of the real "daelmacro." Third, my username is also my fursona character's name...which makes it confusing to some people, who don't know if I'm speaking in-character as my fursona, or as an artist.

If I could go back to myself three years ago, I would tell him to pick a more unique name, such as the one I'm using now for gaming, "daltaidan." It has a much better ring. I've seen a lot of people move or transfer accounts just to get a better username...

Papabear, am I making too big a deal of this? And if I want to change my name on the net, what should I do? Where do I even start?

Sincerely,

Dael

* * *

Hi, Dael,

Oh, Papabear can sure sympathize with name issues. On FurAffinity, I foolishly picked the username “zoobear.” At the time, I did so because I like bears and I like zoos. I soon found out that many people mistakenly thought I was a zoophile. Embarrassing. But it was too late to change my name. FA doesn’t let you; you have to delete your account and start over with a new one, which is a pain in the butt.

So, I kept the username, but whenever I wrote a comment or whatever on FA I made sure to sign it Grubbs Grizzly. Doing that often enough, most people who knew me got the point. Then, when I joined other sites like Facebook, I used my fursona name as my username.

Assuming you use “daelmacro” on ALL the sites you are on, including any chat services like YIM, Skype, etc., that becomes more of an issue. (BTW, I don’t think that’s such a bad name; worse are the hundreds of furries, for example, who call themselves some variation of Alphawolf or Omegawolf after the movie “Alpha and Omega” came out a while back.... Unimaginative, to say the least). “Daltaidan” really isn’t any more memorable than “Daelmacro.” People will likely misspell it just as much as your current name because that’s what people do. 

Changing your name is kinda like changing a mailing address—it can be a big bother, but it is doable. For chat services like Yahoo, it is rather simple, and it can be an opportunity for weeding out the chaff—those people you wouldn’t mind dropping from your contact list for one reason or another. All you do is send out a mass email to those you want to stay in touch with and tell them you have a new account and will soon be dropping the old one. (Of course, set up a new account FIRST). Give them some time to add your new account (say, a week or two) and then delete the old account after archiving any information you wish to keep.

You can do something similar with other sites. On FB, it’s easy to change your name. Just click on the little cog icon at the top right of the page, go to Account Settings, and key in a new name. You can post a journal (put IMPORTANT in the subject line) that all your watchers will see, telling them what you’re about to do and what your new fursona is and such. I’ve seen quite a few people do this on Facebook. 

FurAffinity, SoFurry, and others, I believe, require you to actually delete the account and open a new one (readers, any input from you on this may be helpful, so please comment).

If you have friends who follow you on several sites, you can save yourself some trouble and just email them at one time, telling them all the sites and services you use and what your new account will be. Your close friends and family will have your phone and email anyway, so you will not lose any of them. Any acquaintances and watchers who drop off your contacts are not a huge loss and, if they are really interested in you, they will find you one way or another.

More time consuming is saving all your “likes,” bookmarks, and archived pictures and such that you may have on your social sites. Depending on how important this stuff is to you and how much you have, it could take you hours to save it all.

In the meantime, and ASAP s’il vous plait, start referring to yourself by your new name. Use it all the time. Tell people this is your name now and to forget about the old one. The more you use your name the more familiar people will become with it and the easier the transition will be.

Changing one’s name is not the easiest thing, but with a little work it is doable.

Hope that helps.

Bear Hugs,

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Lately things in my life have been getting out of hand & I feel that I have lost myself. I have lied to my brother, my mate, my friends, then I will try to cover it with another ... then I won't speak to my brothers for days because I know he is a busy person on top of health issues ... but I received an email from him saying that his therapist had laid a “test” out for me and that I failed it, that the times I do message him or call him its to ask for something. I do have a bad habit of asking people for things constantly but it stems back to when I lived with my abusive mother, all the hell she put me through, I would lie to get out of things with her, I would ask people for things to survive cause I had nothing with her and my mate can vouch for that cause she lived with me for a year and a half at my mothers.

But for him and his therapist to talk like that about me, and him saying that it takes certain people to “like him,” really hurts considering yes I do ask him for a lot, but there have been times we have laughed and shared memories, he was in a bad car accident awhile back, when I received the call from his roommate Chris and told me of the severity of it, I cried my eyes out, I hadn’t cried that hard since I almost lost my mate 2 years ago and since I lost my grandmother. My brother is someone that I cherish and would die for... but I am so torn that he feels this way about me and has little trust in me.

A lot of people don't trust me much and wash their hands of me at the first chance they get.

People have been choosing my mate over me, saying “She’s more mature & listens to reason,” which yes I am jealous of her, because she can handle friendships and handle life a lot better than I can... but it isn’t right that people rub that in my face... least I feel that it isn’t.

I have severe trust issues & depression. I am a transgender FtM. I get lippy and speak my mind and I get defensive, depressed a lot, especially during the Christmas season cause in 2000 I lost my grandmother which in turn my family fell apart, so in time I have built a family of my own from my closest friends... I have lost a lot of them due to the way I am, my actions.

This season has really stretched my mental stability thin, to the point that I have been acting out more, and when there is no one around suicide comes into my head and seems like a nice option to me cause I have dealt with this for 20 some years growing up.... It seems that everyone around me is better than me and that I am just this monster that people are around because they feel sorry for, and that when I act out, or have one too many depression fits, they leave me behind & make up some excuse... 

For a lot of people, when they loose a friend, they move on. But to me, my friends are my life. Growing up, I was made fun of and had barely anyone, I was the kid in elementary school who played by themselves and when I felt adventurous I would try to play with the other kids, only to have them walk away leaving you alone... In high school I just had my mate ... so now when I have a close friend and they wash me away, it hurts very badly and I feel that there is a hole there.

Suicide for me has been haunting my head lately... I’d least be back with my grandmother whom I lost in 2000, the one person who would love me and be there for me no matter what.

I know the repercussions that it would leave behind for my mate and few friends I have, but it’s a thought that has been drifting in and out of my head lately...

My brother, My mate and 2 of my friends who are my neighbors and are furs as well, along with an adopted sister I have in southern WV... I would kill for them Papabear, they mean that much to me. But when people constantly want you to change, and to stop beating yourself up, so they try to “help” by pointing out your wrongs, so you go to fix them and yet you get no acknowledgement for it.... It makes you back peddle...

I don’t know what to do anymore... I'm at my whit’s end with this... I'm seriously becoming scared that I will do something drastic...

What should I do.... help me Papabear.

Cadaver

* * *

Hi, Cadaver,

Oh, my, I hope that is just a name you used for this letter and not, like, your fursona name. Anyway, Papabear finds your letter a bit self-contradictory. You begin by admitting that you lie to a lot of people and then you complain that people don’t trust you.  You say you have trust issues and jealousy issues and can get “lippy” etc., but you don’t like it when people say your mate is more mature than you are and easier to deal with. You say that you have tried to fix “your wrongs” but your letter doesn’t explain anything you’ve done toward self-improvement. Then you get upset when people try to “help” you and “constantly want you to change,” yet you sound like you are acknowledging you do need to change. A perfect example of the disconnection you are experiencing is how you don’t call your brother just to say “hi” out of a supposed consideration for the fact that he is busy and dealing with health issues, yet you have no problem calling him to ask him for things, then you get upset when he and his therapist point this out to you. I am merely rephrasing this to make sure I understand the situation, not to berate you.

Probably, as you point out, some of your problems can be traced back to your abusive mother and your struggle to survive as a child (my sympathies). You don’t offer much detail there, but the emotional damage done to children of abusive parents has long been measured by psychologists and psychiatrists. Your brother is going through therapy; have you done so yourself? You could likely benefit from it. A good therapist could help you get over anger for your mother and help you deal better with others in social settings, learn how to accept help, and learn how to not be so easily offended by others. I can understand how you might get upset when others clumsily criticize you, perhaps without enough regard for your feelings. This is why a professional can help. They are trained to address such issues in ways that do not make the client withdraw even further into himself.

What you need to do, Cadaver, is not only recognize that you have issues, but take steps to try and alleviate them. You also need to learn how to take criticism. That is not easy, especially in your emotionally vulnerable state, but it is something that mature people do.

Papabear sympathizes with the loss of your grandmother, which led, apparently, to the dissolution of your family. I also applaud you for building your own family. That is a wonderful thing, and something I have always recommended to furries who have had little luck with blood relations. Family is not necessarily about whom you are related to; family are the people who stick by you and care about you no matter what.

But being part of a family requires your participation as well. It is not enough to cry for someone, nor is being willing to “kill” for someone very helpful or very appealing, especially since the likelihood of your coming into such a situation is rather slim, sort of like promising to rope the moon for someone you love, not to mention it would likely land you in prison or worse. No, what really matters are the small, everyday deeds. Being caring and considerate and helpful to your new family and friends; helping them with little tasks, especially those that aren’t so fun to do. When you endear people to you by being a kind and loving friend and family member, you will soon find that you don’t have to ask for their help. Instead, if they see you in need, they will offer that help before you even have a chance to ask for it. That is what real family does.

Now, Papabear is going to ask you to do something: take some deep breaths and calm down. Nothing in your letter is cause for drastic actions on your part. I can tell you from personal experience that suicide is an incredibly unpleasant and selfish act (my mother—a wonderful person—hated me for a long time after my attempt, which is how I learned a painful lesson on how not to treat loved ones in my life). Life is worth living, you just need to learn how to live it. If you truly feel suicidal, then you need to call a suicide hotline, such as (800) 273-8255. There are many many other sources on the Internet you can find easily.

Papabear suspects that many of your problems stem from a deprived childhood leading to stunted emotional growth. If you can, I strongly recommend therapy. Do not take this as a form of being stigmatized. Many people benefit from therapy, and it doesn’t mean you are “crazy,” just in need of a little professional counseling.

Furthermore, you need to refocus your life into one of giving, not taking. That doesn’t mean you have to donate a kidney or give all your money away. As Mother Theresa said, “It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” 

Loving others is not about weeping for their troubles. Loving others is not about being willing to kill for them. These are not giving acts. Loving is about freely giving of your time, your friendship, your companionship, your sympathy and empathy. When you give of yourself, your life has value, and when your life has value, your spirit will soar, your depression fades to a dim memory, and your heart knows joy.

Be comforted. Love your life by loving others.

Papabear

Dear Papa Bear

I am interested in this wolf. We have a lot in common. We live on opposite sides of the U.S., but we are handling that. Things are going great up until we started talking about what we are into. That’s where we differ a little.

Now he is into the foot fetish. That is one of a few fetishes I don’t get. I mean why would some one like feet rubbing them down there? It makes no sense. I can understand a foot rub but that. Yeah.... Well I really want to make him happy but he wants me to rub his ...... you know with my feet. I don’t like people touching my feet. You see where the problem is now.

My question is I guess. What should I do? I want him to be happy too and have his fetish taken care of but I just cant get past the whole I-have-to-have-my-feet-touched idea?

Thank you for having this site and for the help.

Dragoncores

* * *

Dear Dragoncores,

While many people are “vanilla” when it comes to sex, many others have fetishes. These are just things that trigger something in our brain that sets off sexual desires. Pardon this bear for a private chuckle, but the idea of a furry writing to me about finding a foot fetish “odd” when the entire furry fandom has been accused of being a sexual fetish is somewhat amusing.

There are all kinds of fetishes out there, too many to enumerate, but here are a few common ones among the fandom: voraphilia (fantasizing about being eaten or of eating another furry), ovipositing (egg laying), tentacles, leather bears (blush), diapers, messy sex, BDSM, hermaphrodite sex, watersports, interspecies sex, and on and on. When it comes to sex, 90% of what turns us on is in the brain (as they say, the largest sex organ is the brain). Psychologists have studied sexual fetishes for ages, and there are many theories about each fetish that would take too long to go into here, so let’s focus for now on the foot fetish, which is actually the most common of all fetishes, believe it or not.

This is actually rather fascinating. Recent research has found some interesting explanations for the foot fetish. If you are aware of foot massage techniques (reflexology), for example, you might know that applying pressure on certain parts of the sole of the foot can stimulate nerves that alleviate stress and pain in other areas of the body. One of these is the genitals. Rubbing the hollow under the ankle bones is the pressure point that stimulates the genitals in both men and women (as half my audience leaves at this point to try it out LOL). And I don’t have to tell your partner that rubbing all over the bottom of the foot is just soooo goood (sorry, I love a good footie paw rub). In addition, for many men, manipulating the penis with the toes and ball of the foot in an expert way is similar in many ways to the sensation one gets when inserting the penis into a vagina. Especially nice if the partner courteously adds lotion to his feet.

What’s even more interesting is recent research that has shown that the number of those with foot fetishes increases during times of high rates of sexual disease outbreaks (e.g. the syphilis outbreaks of the 16th and 19th centuries, gonorrhea was a real problem in the 13th century, and, of course, HIV and AIDS in the modern era). Researchers have found that foot fetishes are on the rise again—the explanation? It is a form of satisfying yet safe sex.

So, Dragoncores, your boyfriend's fetish is actually not very bizarre at all, but quite common. However, we have the problem here that you are not really into it. So, what to do? Papabear’s position has always been that relationships should be give-and-take. As long as your boyfriend is not hurting you by his fetish (and he’s not in this case), then there is no harm in indulging him in this. You do have a rather sticky problem in that, for some reason, you don’t like your feet being touched. That, to me, is actually a bit more odd than your boyfriend’s fetish. You might try getting over this by slowly having your boyfriend touch your feet for short periods of time, working your way up to longer increments until you are used to it. In this way, you might get over your foot issues and go to the next level, so to speak. But, if you just cannot stand having your feet touch, then, sadly, this relationship might not work out.

Now, if you CAN see your way clear to having your feet touched and then giving him some foot massages in the needed area, then, as mentioned above, it is time for your boyfriend to reciprocate with something that YOU enjoy sexually. I’m sure you can think of something....

Papabear hopes you can work this out. It might ease your mind a bit to know that your boyfriend is not asking you to do something really bizarre; his fetish is quite normal. Maybe that might ease your stress and you can work it out with him. I hope so.

Good luck! Bear hugs!

Papabear

Hi there Papa Bear and greetings from Mexico (yep, even in Mexico we love furries). I'm kinda new on this and I'd love to receive your advice:

Well, I entered into the furry world like 2-3 years ago (living and working on a farm made me realize that I´m a furry who is in love with cows) which is something wonderful because thanks to that I met so many people who likes and loves furry too, but recently there has been some comments on social networks (such as Facebook and tweetter) saying that people who is related to the furry world is also related to zoophilia and stuff like that.

So, my friends have been feeling doubtful because they think that we will be seen as "abnormal" or "freaks" people and unfortunately thanks to those comments some of them decided to give up and forget everything about furry.

Hell, even I started to feel doubtful but it doesn't mean I will give up because I love being a furry. 

I thought you could help me make understand my friends that there's nothing wrong about the life style we chose because I'm afraid that our little furry community might disappear thanks to ignorant people.

Dairy_Cow

* * *

Dear Dairy_Cow,

You are only the second cow furry I’ve met, so kudos for picking a unique species for your fursona. Welcome to the fandom. 

As you have seen, the furry fandom has a big black cloud hanging over its collective head: the whole furporn/pedophilia/zoophilia thing. There is nothing much to be done about that stigma now. It is there in the culture and in society’s perception of the fandom and is about as hard to remove as a cancerous tumor lodged in the brainstem. 

There is nothing you or I can do about that image. We cannot control what others think, nor can we control bad behavior within the fandom. The truth, though, is that the majority of furries are not sex fiends. I have been a furry a long time, and I have never come across a pedophile. I have met a couple zoophiles, but they are very very rare. Most furries just like the fiction, art, and fun of furry, and if you’ve ever been to a convention, you know that it is just a lot of clean, good-natured fun.

What you make of the fandom is entirely up to you. You are clearly not a furvert, and just being a furry doesn’t make you one. You are you. A guy who wants to have some fun with imaginative play involving anthropomorphized animal characters. It is harmless and imaginative and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I am glad you are not giving up on furry and will continue to participate in it. The fandom needs furries like you!

Feliz Navidad and Bear Hugs,

Papabear

Reader, first time asker here.

A bit about me: I am 20, and I have been a furry for about 5-6 years now and although I have never been to a con (Yet) or owned a fursuit, I have always felt a deep connection to the fandom. As well I have always felt therian (Since I was a kid I always felt a deep connection to the natural and spiritual worlds) and thus the connection is also spiritual. 

I am dealing with potential homelessness, and seeing as my mother essentially hates me since she found out I was a furry (Right after that CSI episode, not my smartest move...) my life has been "unhappy" for a long while. The rest of my family doesn't know, but I was still abused and neglected during my childhood.

As well I was raped in the past, and have dealt with depression since I was 14, and have always felt distant to people.

I am still uncomfortable when in close proximity of anyone, even my family.

In the last week I met this really wonderful man, and although he is older (14 year gap) and very interested in quick sex (which I am afraid to try as my only experience was “bad”), he is giving our relationship a try and we have a lot in common (both fun and in bed).

But as far as I know he isn't a furry, and I am afraid if I tell him, he will leave (or worse) just stay long enough to have sex and then leave me.

We don't know each other super well, but since I met him my life has felt much better, and when we got comfortable (mostly me getting comfortable) we could barely stop talking and texting one another.

He still doesn't know about my family troubles, me being a therian, or my past with abuse (sexual or otherwise), and I am afraid if I tell him, he will want to leave. But I know I have to tell him, but the big questions are:

• How? And over how long? Is it too soon?
• Should I wait a few dates, or should I just send him a long text/email?
• Do I know him well enough?

The Biggest though is: How best do I tell him I am a therian, Let alone that I am a furry, without him thinking I am a freak or him taking it as a joke or something to be cured?

I hope this wasn't too hard to read.

And thanks in advance Papabear.

--BlueEye Fox

* * *

Hi, Fox,

There’s a lot going on in this letter that is too much to deal with in one response: abuse, rape, poverty, homelessness, etc. That is enough to write several letters (you may look at some past letters on these subjects on my site for more input), so Papabear will just deal with the one question that is currently on your mind: opening up to your new boyfriend (and I won’t even go into the possible issues of the age difference here—that, too, is for another letter).

Papabear understands your reticence, given your mother’s reaction (and I agree, your timing on that was unfortunate). But your boyfriend is not your mother, so his reaction will likely be quite different. So, how do you approach him with the idea that you are a therian and a furry etc.? My advice is that you approach it from neutral ground. The way you do that is you find an excuse to talk about therians or furries. You might, for example, show him a website or two and say something like, “I found this interesting website. What do you think of it?” and get an initial reaction. His reaction can be negative (e.g., “What a bunch of freaks and furverts.”), it can be neutral (*shrugs* “whatever, I don’t care”), or it can be positive (“Whoa! Cool! That’s amazing!”). Depending on what reaction you get, that is how you proceed.

Me, I took a more lay-the-cards-on-the-table approach. One night in bed I just told Yogi that I was a furry. We talked about what furry is and he was fine with it and even thought it was a lot of fun. Since then, we have been to several furcons together and he’s had a lot of fun, even though he’s not a furry. In your case, however, since you are still getting to know him, a more cautious approach as outlined above could help.

Coming out as a therian to your mate may open the door to other conversations as well, such as your troubled past. If you want more than just a sexual relationship and a few fun times with your boyfriend, you are going to have to open up to him and share your personal feelings and experiences; with luck, he will do the same with you and you will learn things about him.  

As for timing: there is no time like the present. If you are serious about him, you might as well address this issue now.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve like this, so to speak, will build a stronger, more loving, and trusting relationship between the two of you and is really a must for any chance of an enduring couplehood.

Good luck, Fox!

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Well, not long after I joined the furry group in my country, I was approached by this charming hybrid furry online. We chatted a few times and inevitably ended up me falling for him. Well, I wasn't aware he already had a mate until it was too late when my feelings for him bloomed into something far from neutral.

I really like this guy but he already has a mate and their relationship is going great. It just hurts me inside...

I've tried many times to distract myself with drawing and reading and many various hobbies but all in vain. I lie awake every night... my mind plaguing me with thoughts of him. This may sound a bit pathetic but because of that, I start to cry. It hurts so much whenever I think of them or see them together. 

I need your help, Papabear. I'm so frustrated and confused. I can't do anything. 

This never happened to me before... I've never craved for a mate until I fell for him. He doesn't know of my feelings nor do I plan on telling him. I am afraid that by doing that I would destroy our friendship.

I can't bear to let him go. Please help.

Yours Sincerely,
Canine Dawson

* * *

Dear Canine,

Wow, this is tough. Loving someone you can’t have is about as painful an experience that the heart can endure.

So, my understanding is that you have not told this guy about your feelings for him because you respect that he is in love with his mate and their relationship is a good one. That is a very mature and wise and unselfish choice on your part, and Papabear congratulates you for it.

Now, as for your pain and heartache.... Did you ever see Disney’s “Aladdin”? In it, Genie says he can do most anything, but the three things he cannot do is grant you more wishes, raise the dead, and, lastly, make other people fall in love with you. Papabear is no genie, but one thing I cannot do, either, is make someone fall in love with you, or prevent you from falling in love with someone who is unavailable.

While it is wonderful that you want to be friends with this guy, if you wish to ease your pain you might want to consider distancing yourself from him because seeing him, especially with his mate, will only remind you of the pain you are feeling. That is just a suggestion. I don’t know how strong you are emotionally to handle this; perhaps you CAN handle it, perhaps not. But, since you can’t have him as your mate (unless he and his mate are open to polyamory, but I didn’t get that from your letter), the best thing for you to do is move on and find someone who IS available.

Papabear doesn’t subscribe to the romantic notion that there is only one soul mate for each of us in the world. This guy may be terrific, but he is not the only one on the planet for you. The absolute best thing you can do, my friend, is find someone who is both lovable and available. While you are searching for that, try getting your mind of him by distracting yourself with work, hobbies, school, friends, whatever you can to fill your days and not obsess about this.

I wish I had a magic bottle filled with potion that would ease your mind and heart, but there are some things that just are not that easy to resolve. You will need strength and wisdom to get through this.

Keep up the good fight.

Hugs,

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I have been dealing with a lot of furs that I just don’t understand. Mostly of that from the Bi or gay side of the fandom (note, I have no problems with gays, it seems its the other way around).

I’m straight and I feel from other furs that aren’t, I’m looked down upon a lot at cons. No fur talks to me, they rather talk to my mate that is male, first. Even when I get a chance to talk to them it’s always short.

At cons I think I got a friend and I go to give them a hug and they go "eewwww bewbs!" Not joking, full on serious EWWWW. I’ve even done favors for these people thinking maybe it was me being rude or something maybe this will help prove that wrong ... nope they take my favor and then run off.

I cant take it anymore! I don’t get it, if gays wanted to be treated equal then why am I the one feeling put down? This bullying went so far as to ruin my AC convention making me never to return again. I did not like that con. A lot of furs did/said a lot of rude comments and gestures just and the last day at the con made me cry I just didn’t understand.

Gays personally don’t bother me, hell all of my friends are gay =/ and I’m just fine with them and they are with me. Most of my friend that I have now I’ve only known for a month or so (new furs in the area) so it can’t be cause I don’t know them.

Why is it stranger/furs at cons that are just so mean or come off short to me? Not like I’m going "HEY I’m a furry listen to me!" I’m normally saying hello and they go talk to my mate who didn’t really say anything A LOT of the time.

I’m not a popufur. I don’t have the best made suit, so I guess in a lot of these furs fuzzy eyes I’m not worth their time. That’s how I feel.

I cant tell is it me, is it them? Maybe both sides!? Maybe it’s just a new gen thing and people are just becoming more distant cause of various reasons from technology?

I’m not saying they should be FORCED to say hello to me or even notice I’m there (though when someone says hi and you notice its kinda rude to ignore it >.>)

I’m not saying they should be nicer to me BECAUSE I’m a chick. Just saying that if people want to be equal then, why are they so one-sided and mean to others?

It confuses me cause I just can’t be mean to someone I don’t know. 

Hope it wasn’t confusing to read just a bunch of thoughts in my head about this and trying to pick one and focus on it is kinda hard for me. But this one bugs me the most cause I just don’t understand. And I have tried to see there side and STILL don’t understand.

PS: This is not to all gay furs. A lot of them are nice, I’m talking bout the hotshot furs and some random furs that give the gays a bad name =/ .

--MiaFox

* * *

Hi, MiaFox,

First of all, this is from me, a gay bear fur: (((((HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS)))))

Judging by what you say, it is not you, hon. You are making a concerted effort to be friendly at cons and such and are getting the brush-off. And, as you say, it is not all gay men (boys) who act like this, but enough to make your AC experience unpleasant, and I am sorry to hear that.

Papabear would chalk it up to two likely things: 1) many furries are quite young and, as you might know, male teens are slower to mature than females. So, what I’m saying is they are acting very immaturely. As a 47-year-old gay man living in Palm Springs, home to many mature and older gay men, I can tell you I have never observed a grown man acting so ridiculously about “bewbs.” Would I be correct in assuming that most of those who react to you like this are younger than 20? Or, at least, younger than 25?

Not only are you dealing with immature boys, but (and, readers, please don’t get mad at me for this) you are dealing with furries. A big part of the fandom is the escape into childhood fantasy. This only enhances the possibility of immature behavior. So, what you get in many cases is teen boys made doubly immature by their escape into a fantasy world.

The above are BROAD generalizations—always dangerous territory—but at times generalizations and stereotypes apply, and I think it does in this particular case. I am not saying, by any means, that all furries, including young males, act this way, but many do. Their numbers are particularly concentrated at a furcon such as AC, and the larger the con (AC being the largest) the more anonymous one feels and the more mob mentality kicks in, which further accentuates derpy behavior.

So, what is the solution for you? Papabear would recommend you take your furry (especially young male furry) in small doses. Instead of going to ginormous furcons like AC or MFF, go to smaller furmeets or meet furries in small social gatherings of your own. Make contact with furries in your area online, get to know them and their attitudes a bit better, and then meet them for a nice dinner or a movie. Go on a double date, that sort of thing. Slowly increase your circle of furiends and, next time you go to a big con, try and attend with your furiends.

And then the tables are turned a bit. Picture this: you are at a furcon with 6 or 7 of your close furiends, pleasantly chatting and laughing about the “bewbs” incident, and you notice a single, shy furry cautiously approaching to possibly try and make friends. Welcome them and set an example of how a furry should behave by not judging them and being the friendly person you are.

The fandom needs more people like you, MiaFox. Lead by example of how proper, mature, friendly furries should behave toward one another.

I wrote recently in another letter about the difference between “childlike” and “childish.” Your negative experience was with childish people. Furry should be about childlike, joyous, innocent, fun, playful, and imaginative behavior. It should be inclusive, not exclusive. Open your furry arms and embrace it.

BEAR HUGS,

Papabear

Three Paths Before Me!

Having started following the Eightfold Path, as you had suggested before, I found myself in a situation where my job at the time was going downhill. As things got worse I kept looking for a solution and found one in the knick of time.

My previous job had cut my hours to zero and my new job missed a week of pay on it, and as such I ran into financial troubles. Now leveling out I find myself seeking higher opportunities. The trick is trying to attain resources.

I have looked into college, but can never seem to find anyone willing to help me finish the application process, and something keeps me feeling like my place belongs in music and writing.

I want to follow my dreams, but they all point in 3 different direction. The Audio Arts, The Literary Arts, and the Robotic Arts.

If I follow the path of robotics and go to college, I risk having to leave my home and family for my career, but it assures my techno affinity is put to amazing use. I could invent an automail (see Full Metal Alchemist for more info on Automail), or even biomechanical muscle tissue to cure MS. But at what cost? I once wrote about a man who did such a thing and paid the ultimate price because his ideals were corrupted by the influence of money and power. If I become nothing more then a tool of war I will have created the very problem I have sworn to stop. And I could NEVER live with myself for it.

Taking the Path of Writing, there is a great deal of risk involved. If I never get published I missed out on going to school. Also if I became famous the pressure to write what sells may ultimately compromise my artistic standard and ultimately 'cost me my soul'. On the flip it would allow me to touch a great deal of people deeply with the wisdom I have accrued sing my plethora of traumatic experiences, and moments of loss and redemption. To teach others of the past is a great honor, which can be fulfilled in writing, and I have much to teach.

Alternatively, the life of a musician has always appealed to me. Letting sound convey emotion and feeling as well as belting my voice to appease many, has always given me joy. Easy enough to do since my fiancé writes music for an aspiring country music artist. Additionally, I would be free to do covers of old copyright-free music such as carols, patriotics, and more, but the risk of missing a shot to keep finances stable also presents its head as with the literary path. Not to mention the overhead cost of higher quality equipment would be a painful stigma to my progress.

Do I follow the safe path, and go to school, becoming a robotics technician and risk my soul to the greed and corruption of the commercial world? Do I take the path of teaching and wisdom, becoming a beacon of hope to those in need? Or do I share my soul through song and touch their hearts with the musing of my now fully recovered singing voice and soon to be repaired hands?

I am so conflicted with my choice papa bear. How am I to decide? This is such a massive decision. Do I know if the risk is right?

Taiku Altergrund

* * *

Hi, Taiku,

There are a number of assumptions in your letter that I believe, once clarified, will help you with your decision.

First of all, it seems like you don’t think a college education is needed to be a writer or musician, or that it should not be pursued. Do you think that the only one of the three paths that you mention that requires an education is robotics? Not so. Oh, sure, there are people who have music and writing careers without going to college, but getting an education is always a wise choice.

Let’s paint a couple scenarios here. Say you go to college and take writing and English literature courses (which is what I did) and you get a bachelor’s degree or an advanced degree. Then you go out into the world, writing and trying to publish. But, for one reason or another, you don’t get published or you don’t make enough money writing fiction or nonfiction. Well, in that case, you still have a college degree, or two, which is the first step toward getting a job. (Makes it MUCH easier than if you don’t have one). This is what happened to me. I got my B.A. in English (actually, I double majored in German) and started working on my fantasy novel. At that time, I worked in a factory for six months before getting a job at what was then a company called Gale Research. I worked there as an editor for ten years. Meanwhile, my novel was not getting published. I turned my English degree into a successful career in editing so that I could eat and have a place to live. Eventually, my book did get published (along with several nonfiction works), but I never made enough on my writing to make a living at it.

Same idea works with music. Do you know how many thousands of aspiring musicians, singers, and composers are out there? Most of them never make it big. They end up playing weddings and bar mitzvahs and getting crappy careers as insurance salesmen or waiters on the side. If you get a music degree, however, you could get a job as a teacher, a sound technician (works well with your interest in technology), a digital audio editor, an audio engineer, even a music therapist. There are many more options when you have a degree than when you don’t.

OK, so, say you don’t opt for either of these and instead go into robotics. Why do you believe there is such a high risk of your becoming a tool of the military or some corrupt business? That is not a matter of your profession, but, rather, of your own character. Do you feel you will easily be corrupted like that fellow your read about? Besides, why do you think you have to work for someone else at all? The world of robotic entrepreneurs is a growing and exciting field. There are many brilliant people in this country starting their own companies and making amazing contributions to the field. You could be one of them.

And even if you go into robotics, that doesn’t preclude the possibility of your continuing to write and perform music. Many great science fiction and other genre authors have degrees in engineering and other scientific fields (Isaac Asimov [Ph.D. in biochemistry], Arthur C. Clarke [degrees in math and physics], and L. Sprague de Camp [M.S. in engineering] spring to mind). Wouldn’t it be cool to work on advanced robotics and indulge your creative side by writing a science fiction story about robots or maybe writing a theme song to a sci-fi movie? Just a thought.

The lesson here is this: don’t limit yourself. You don’t have to walk just one path, you can walk all three, if you like. Look at me. I’m an editor, but I’m also a writer, an advice columnist, an amateur artist, and I’m thinking of possibly learning about solar power and selling solar energy systems to private homes. But, whatever you decide, you can never go wrong by furthering your education.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

Papabear

By now I'm sure all of you have heard about the 20-year-old man who took his mother's high-powered assault gun, killing her, and then going to an elementary school in Newton, CT, and killing 20 little kids and several adults.

Pundits and talking heads on TV, radio, and the Internet, and the president himself, have noted that this goes on far too often in this country. We keep asking about the solution and the cause. I may be oversimplifying things, but I would propose two things be done right away.

1) The shooters in all the cases that have come about this and other years were all emotionally or mentally disturbed. Our "wise" government has repeatedly chosen to cut mental health care and counseling services, leaving these people with nowhere to turn for much-needed help. The result is that we now have more people who are not in their right minds wandering the streets and committing crimes, hurting themselves and others, winding up in already-crowded prisons or in hospitals. Let us restore funding for these services to what they were back in the 1980s and before.

2) Guns. The U.S. Constitution provides rights for us to bear arms "in a well-regulated militia." This is to protect ourselves from the possibility of hostile attacks where no immediate government help was available (back then, I think they were thinking of native attacks or possibly British invasions on unprotected territories) and against our own government should it become despotic (almost there, by the way). Also, the Founding Fathers would never have conceived of the advanced weaponry we have these days that is capable of shooting hundreds of rounds per minute. They had muskets.

The solution is not to take weapons out of citizens' hands. The solution is to regulate weapons better. Why did this shooter's mom own military-style guns? Adam Lanza had tried to buy a rifle at a sporting goods store but was turned away, so he just stole his mom's gun, which became the weapon that killed her. While the law prevented Adam from getting a gun himself, a law should be in place where entire households should not have guns should one or more family members not be eligible to possess one themselves. In other words, to get a gun license, every occupant of the household must also qualify, even if they do not plan to use the weapon.

Private citizens should not possess guns that even police officers don't go near. Single-shot rifles for hunting and possibly home defense should be enough. Australia is one country that bans automatic weapons from being privately owned. When was the last time you heard of a mass-shooting in Australia? That's right, never.

A Congresswoman recently made a good point: she noted we regulate things like food and cigarettes and liquor for the protection of citizens. Why don't we do the same for guns? Adam Lanza was not even old enough to legally drink, yet he could get his hands on a weapon a terrorist would enjoy.

You cannot protect the world from itself, but our "leaders" need to screw their heads on straight and realize that the "right to bear arms" is not a blank check to do whatever we want with them. They assumed we would be wise enough to put some regulations on gun ownership. Guess they were wrong.

We have a lot of dead, innocent kids on our hands now. It's not just Adam's fault or his mom's fault. It is the fault of a society that is crazy for guns, that glamorizes violence, and that refuses to help those in need and stigmatizes them as "moochers."

Papabear