Dear Papabear,
I have a question that I’m a bit worried about. To give context I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for about a year. Her name’s Sadie; she’s a tomboy, and she used to bully me. Now the issue I’m having deals with this lesbian chick refusing to see that my gf is in a relationship with me. So this chick became infatuated with Sadie like 2-3 years ago, but Sadie is straight and thus will most likely never go out with a girl. In spite of that, Lesbian Chick has constantly tried to convince Sadie that she can’t be straight because of the manly interests that she has and also has told her that she only thinks she likes dudes and will “go full lesbo once you get a taste of that cunt.” She even tried to convince me that I should break up with Sadie cause I was bullied by her because apparently this abusive girl wouldn’t abuse her, too. I don’t know how to get rid of this chick cause she’s a classmate of me and my gf. I haven’t said anything for fear I will be branded a homophobe, but I’m really worried Lesbian Chick might do something to Sadie if I don’t do something. Thank you in advance. Sincerely, Davis (age 15) * * * Dear Davis, Interesting. I'd like to start off by noting that your referring to this other girl as "lesbian chick" is highly disrespectful. Similarly, her saying that your girlfriend will “go full lesbo once you get a taste of that cunt” is obnoxious and boorish. Next, I would point out the error of this other young woman's belief that having "manly interests" makes you a lesbian. What, a straight woman can't enjoy construction work or sports or cars? What utter nonsense. I know women who adore sports and cars and so on and are completely turned on by men. So, how about both of you put your preconceptions and unflattering labels aside and let's just look at the relationships here. I'd be interested in learning how Sadie went from picking on you to being your girlfriend :-) But that's neither here nor there. The point is that she is now your girlfriend, and the other girl's nosing in on your relationship is inappropriate to say the least. Sadie is aware this is happening, you've said. Have you talked to her about it directly? I would say that she is the one who needs to do something just as much or more than you. If I were you, I would get together with Sadie, go over the situation, and discuss what you both think should be done. In other words, when you are in a relationship, Davis, it is a partnership in which important matters should be communicated and a joint decision made, not a unilateral one with you being the action-taker. The good news is that two voices are better than one. Talk to Sadie. Then both of you talk to the other girl and make it very clear to her that her desire to break you up isn't going to happen and she needs to back off. Take Care, Papabear
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Hi Papabear,
I am a writer and have been writing for a long time. I am working on a story about shapeshifters and it contains black humor in it. I really want to publish it and get an agent, but I am not sure. The story which I am writing is written in playwright form and I'm not sure if this is something other people will want to read since it is not written in traditional novel form. The story also contains artwork by me and art for books can be expensive. I understand that Harry Potter got rejected 12 times and S.E. Hinton published the Outsiders at the age of 17, but I still feel discouraged because of my age and because of how the story is written. I am also questioning whether I can afford to get it published. How can I do this? Thank you very much. ~Axel * * * Hi, Axel, It is true that some authors publish their first book very young (another example would be Christopher Paolini, who was 15 when he published the fantasy novel Eragon, which was turned into a movie, and he has continued to publish since then). On the other end of the spectrum, you have people like Laura Ingalls Wilder, who published Little House in the Big Woods when she was 65 (followed by her better-known Little House on the Prairie); Bram Stoker was 50 when he published Dracula; Anna Sewell published Black Beauty when she was 57 (and died the next year). Age doesn't matter, so get that out of your head right now. What matters? Talent. Whether you are 15 or 101, if you have talent and write a wonderful book, you will find an audience. As for the format of the book (play vs. typical prose style), that could work for you or not. J. K. Rowling did a collaboration with two other authors to create Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, which is written as a play. Some authors such as Ernest Hemingway and Elmore Leonard wrote novels in a style similar to plays in that they are short on descriptive passages and heavy on dialogue (heck, Leonard's books are all dialogue), and they work. It doesn't matter the style you choose so long as it is done well. How do you get published? The same way a pianist finds the way to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice. If you are sincere about getting published, you can't quit, even if you are faced with repeated rejections. And do not take rejection personally. Famous authors from Margaret Mitchell (Gone with the Wind) to Stephen King (Carrie) faced repeated failures before getting their feet in the door. A column such as "Ask Papabear" is not the place to get full lessons on how to succeed as a writer (by the way, I am the author of 13 published books, though I am far from rich and famous LOL), but I can give you a quick summary of what to do:
Publisher vs. Self-Publishing. These days, more and more people are self-publishing--many with considerable success. The negative is that you have to pay all the costs yourself; the positive is that you get to keep any and all profits (publishers take the lion's share of any profits). A self-published author can hold down costs considerably by simply opting for ebook formats only, but the trick here is getting people to find and buy your book. That goes into the whole area of marketing yourself, which is time-consuming in the extreme, but it can be done. That is simply an option that is up to you and how much time and effort you're willing to spend on the project. Hope this helps. Good luck! Papabear While not perfect (emphasis on fursuiters and also makes it look like all furries have social anxiety issues), this is a well-done show that de-emphasizes the fursex stigma and really shows how fun and beneficial the furry community is. I would give it an A- overall. Worth a watch. Dear Papabear,
I want to write to you about is cannabis. You see, medicinal cannabis is going to be legalised in the UK tomorrow [November 1] for only those who need it the most. If I’m correct, it’s for epileptics whom have had no success with other treatments. I want to say that this is great news and all that, but I’ve had this strong prejudice against cannabis since the first days I learnt what drugs were. I think I can pin it down to 3 key factors:
Since joining the fandom, though, I’ve come to discover that many of the friends I’ve made are cannabis users, to varying degrees, and even those who aren’t tend to have no issue with it. Not to mention a lot of celebs I like, like Morgan Freeman and Whoopi Goldberg, have been outspoken about their use of weed. So, I’ve found myself in this predicament where I’m trying hard to work all the propaganda, bad apples and smoking-bias’s out of my head ever since. I’ve done a ton of research about cannabis since then. So, I know the difference between CBD-based and THC-based varieties (essentially, it’s the THC kind that makes someone high). I know that the CBD-kind can work wonders to cure/suppress all kinds of medical and psychological issues. I know that even the THC kind is neither as addictive nor as dangerous as a lot other substances, legalised or not. And, I know that legalising it would both increase business and probably make it a lot easier to manage since it’d discourage people from using the black market to get their fix. But, despite all these positives I know about... I’m still uncomfortable about the prospect of it being legalised. It’s not like I’m denying these facts about it at all, it’s just that they’re not working to change my mind for whatever reason. The friends I have are good people, and I don’t want to think bad of them just because they might use wacky-backy once in a while. So I ask, how do I get rid of this prejudice against cannabis which I’ve had for so long? How do I make myself okay with it? Hugs, Charleston * * * Hi, Charleston, What follows is simply my personal opinion on the subject, so take it with a grain of salt. As with anything else, there are good and bad things about weed. Let’s begin by why weed was illegal and had a bad reputation in the first place. Why was it considered bad? I can sum it up in a few words: weed has been seen as the drug of the poor and the foreign, and so a campaign of criminalizing and stigmatizing marijuana was initiated by the elite. There is an excellent article about this here. It has nothing to do with “drugs are bad,” since the wealthy and the corporate have been pushing drugs for centuries (from the Opium Wars to today’s opiate crisis in the medical community, rich people are drug pushers of a disgustingly immoral sort). Naturally, this orchestrated stigmatization perpetrated by those in power includes the public education system, which is where you were indoctrinated into believing weed is evil. Word of advice to all those reading: public education is a scam to brainwash children into becoming good little cogs in the machinery owned and operated by those in power (educate yourself by searching for books in the library and book stores and read read read). In the last few years, the government stigmatization of cannabis (in America and worldwide) has changed to be more favorable because of three things: the preponderance of evidence that cannabis has many medical benefits, that it is really no worse for you than alcohol, and because there is a lot of money the government can make through taxation if it is legalized. Moving on to your personal observations with weed users. I know several people who use it (smoking it, eating it, or taking it in pill form), and they are all very nice people. You, apparently, have met a lot of unpleasant people who like to imbibe. The fallacy of reasoning here is that using marijuana makes you a bad person when, in fact, you are simply encountering bad people who happen to use marijuana. Marijuana doesn’t make you a bad person; being a bad person makes you a bad person. I agree with you that the smell of weed is unpleasant and that those who don’t like it and don’t want to be subjected to it should be free of such a pungent environment. I feel the same about tobacco smokers (except pipes; I love pipes) and people who blast unwanted music in my ears. This is a matter not of weed but of manners, civility, being a polite person. These days, many people forget what it means to be considerate of others. Again, that’s not weed, that’s the decline of manners in society. So, when you come across friends blowing smoke in your face, politely ask them to take it elsewhere. If they don’t respect that, then they aren’t very nice friends. Tell them you don’t object to their using marijuana; you just don’t like the smell. Perhaps they can have some edibles instead? You are completely within your rights to not like weed and to not use it, but you should also respect the fact that weed is here to stay, whether or not it is legal. Recognize that people have different likes that don’t necessarily reflect your own and accept that, as long as they aren’t doing any harm to anyone, they have the right to enjoy cannabis. But friendship is a two-way street, and your friends should acknowledge just as much that you don’t like weed, and they should respect your boundaries, too. Make sense? Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I have an allergy to trees, and people tend to laugh and think I'm joking. Last night I ran out of my medicine and today sucked, sneezing 7 times in a row every minute. How do I get them to quit laughing? They have no idea about what I go through, and it hurts a bit when they laugh and start telling their friends and making jokes about it. Or is it my fault? Getting a bit upset over the jokes... Sincerely, Nesston * * * Dear Nesston, Thanks for your letter on an important topic. It's a rather puzzling thing in American society in which many think that allergies are funny. They aren't. Allergies, when pronounced, can cause serious medical conditions, even death. The most common allergies are allergies to food and to pollen. You have the latter. The trees that cause you the most problems include Ash, Aspen, Beech, Birch, Box Elder, Cedar, Cottonwood, Elm, Hickory, Mountain Elder, Mulberry, Oak, Pecan, and Willow. Sensitivity to tree pollen can aggravate health conditions such as heart disease, COPD, and pneumonia. A 2000 study showed that having pollen allergies can increase the death rate for these diseases by as much as 17%. Also, a severe allergy by itself can be serious enough to cause anaphylactic shock and death. I'm going to go ahead right now and blame the media for making people think that allergies are kicks and giggles. Sadly, one of my favorite shows, The Big Bang Theory, contributes to this. The character Howard has a peanut allergy, and they play it up for laughs even when he is so swollen and in pain that he has to be taken to the hospital. In another example, the recent movie Peter Rabbit has the bunnies throwing berries at Tom McGregor, who they know is allergic to them (i.e., they are deliberately trying to give him an allergic reaction). He swallows one by accident and has to use an Epipen on his leg. Not funny. The scene was widely criticized. Nesston, it certainly is NOT your fault for being upset by this. I think your "friends" believe it's funny because they don't realize how serious allergies can be. Perhaps they believe it is humorous because you say it is a "tree allergy," which may not be familiar with them. Step one: start calling it a pollen allergy instead. And tell them it isn't a joke and that allergies can lead to serious, even lethal, respiratory and heart problems if they go uncontrolled. Tell them if they think it's funny that you could die from this that you don't think they are very good friends. Maybe they will wise up. And try to be sure to keep your medicine cabinet stocked. Hugs, Papabear What are some of the problems that you feel need to be addressed regarding the fandom and how do you feel we can solve them?
MG42 * * * Dear MG42, That is a huge question that is a bit too large for this column (and will be discussed in my book), but I will try and give the Reader's Digest version.... Essentially, the fandom is experiencing growing pains. When this whole phenomenon started back in the 1970s and 1980s, the fandom comprised a small group of sci-fi/fantasy fans who shared a love of anthros in fiction. Pretty much everyone knew everyone else in this small group, and the APA magazines they produced were a testimony to the exclusiveness of that club (e.g., you only got a copy of Vootie or Rowrbrazzle if you were a contributor to them). In the online world, IRC chat rooms were in their infancy and social media like Facebook were decades away, so there wasn't nearly the amount of online interaction that we see today. Fast forward a couple decades, and you now have a fandom comprised of over 100,000 furries all over the world. There are dozens of furcons and hundreds of furmeets and parties all over the globe. The fandom membership is diversifying as well. The days of furries being mostly males in their early twenties is changing into a population including a far wider spread of young and old (ages 10 to 80), more women, and a more politically diverse spectrum. The result is increasing chaos in the fandom, increasing drama, and increasing problems. I don't know about Europe and other places outside the US, but in America, we have seen the encroachment of political divisiveness into the fandom, which has given rise to such ugly things as Nazi Furs. The failure of American society to raise responsible children and adults has also resulted in self-entitled, downright stupid behavior of furries at conventions, and the result of that has been, as we have seen, the closure of several furcons (Rainfurrest, Califur, Rocky Mountain Furcon). And the phenomenon of an exploding Internet and its social media has seen an offensive rise in trolling, hacking, and bullying among furries in online communities. Today we are witnessing what happens with uncontrolled and unregulated growth. Just like a city experiencing exploding growth without any urban planning, the result is the creation of an unpleasant, congested, dirty, and sometimes even dangerous environment. And just like a large, metropolitan city, there will be areas that a nicely maintained and prosperous and others that are like venturing into an impoverished ghetto at 2 a.m. in the morning. Often, those who loudly announce they are "leaving the fandom" are the ones who have spent too much time in the ghettoes, while some furries avoid chancing upon the seedier parts of the fandom entirely by being furry without participating in any events or online communities at all. Furries--to gently and cautiously step into broad generalizations--tend to be anti-establishment, rebellious, and resistant to structure and authority. A couple of years ago, I experimented with the idea of creating a national furry association that would provide some structure to the fandom. The idea was widely dismissed and resisted by the community as an unwanted venture, so I dropped it as a bad idea. Furries don't want structure, rules, or laws. In this way, they rather resemble the hippie culture of the 1960s, which is an observation my late husband once made. To answer your question as succinctly as possible, the problems we are facing in the fandom stem from there being so many furries now, for the fact that "what is furry?" is very loosely defined, and for the fact that when you have these two things combined what you are going to get is subcultures springing up within the subculture. This results in conflict between the various sub-subcultures. This is nothing new in the fandom. You can find discord going back all the way to the arguments that were occurring in the early days of Rowrbrazzle's administration and then, later, with the Frozen v. Burned Furs arguing about porn in the furry arts, and then the movement to reject Bronies from the fandom as "not real furries." Other subcultures within the subculture include Therians, Otherkin, Alt-Furries and the Fur Right. There has always been drama in the fandom, of course, and furries tend to overemphasize it because they are part of a culture that already feels alienated and rejected. The irony here, of course, is that many furries flee to the fandom in an attempt to socially bond with like-minded people only to then create new divisions within the community and once again alienate each other. What is the solution? There is no solution, only evolution. What you will likely see is, as the fandom continues to grow, the sub-subcultures will break apart from one another in a fashion similar to what you see happening in the LGBTQ community (e.g., within the gay community you see subgroups of bears, twinks, daddies, leathermen, femmes, and so on and so on that prefer to associate within their smaller groups more than with the LGBTQ community as a whole.) Likewise, you may one day see conventions devoted to, say, just fursuiters or just Otherkin or artists or writers or or gaming furries. Actually, I predict that furcons will start declining somewhat, and we will see more things like weekend-long furry parties, large furmeets organized around parades or parks, and mini-cons that will be tailored to specialized furry groups. The furry fandom isn't what it once was, and in the future it won't be the same as it is today. That's life. Papabear Papabear,
I have launched a sub-fandom of my favorite tv show. It is a furry kids show on Qubo, and I feel that none want to join it as it is under a free domain. This is a forum that I launched. I feel really lonely in this sub-genre and I don't want to give in and give up on it. In what ways could I get others to become interested in it or join my newly created sub-fandom, so I have people around me to share it with? I hope you can help! Laizytail * * * Hi, Laizytail, That's a good question! I suggest you treat your endeavor like a business. When the wise businessperson has an idea for a product or service, before putting a lot of time, money, and effort into it, they do market research to see whether or not there is a demand in the first place. It wouldn't do to, say, manufacture thousands of Roseanne Barr dolls if you discover that the actress is no longer popular and no one wants anything to do with a toy based on her. The solution, then, is not to play around with the forum itself, trying to create ways to make it more attractive to lure people in; rather, what you have to first do is find your customers. I don't know what the show is, but you might start there. How popular is this show? Are its ratings going up or down? Search the Web and see if there are already forums for the show or for other Qubo kids' programs, join them, and start chatting with the people who are participating. If you discover there are a lot of fans like yourself, that is when you start putting the word out: "Hi! I've created a forum for the Qubo show George and Martha [or whatever it is]. Come join the fun at www.forumcommunity.net/514889 [not a real page] and chat with fellow George and Martha fans!" This isn't Field of Dreams where you build a baseball field and the ghosts of past players automatically show up. When I began this advice site, I did so because I saw there were lots of furries out there who wanted some advice. Once I was confident that was true, only then did I launch "Ask Papabear." You should do likewise. Find your customers, talk with them, then start putting the word out on the Web at any place that they gather online. Good Luck! Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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