Hello. Actually I am not a furry, but ask this question here. I recently knows that my younger brother is furry. I absolutely hate furry. Hated them since childhood, knowing that furry - it's just a manifestation of schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. Furry declare the existence of some "anthropomorphic animals", but I know perfectly well that such can not be, for biological reasons. Nature rewarded a number of multi barriers to interbreeding. From biochemical to genetic incompatibility. Thus, the "anthropomorphic animals" can only be created by transgenically. However, the current level of science is not technology does not allow it. Moreover, there is no reason to believe that at all possible, again for medical reasons. I do not know how to act. On the one hand, I totally hate furry, and I think that they should be under the medical supervision of psychiatrists; on the other hand, I can not hate my younger brother. Currently, I kicked him out of my house. Next to me, must not be furry. I'm not homophobic or religious, but I furry hater and dream of all the furry placed in a mental hospital. I told all this to his brother, but he decided to make me angry and told me to buy fursuit from that, I was in a fury. What is wrong with you, furries? Why do you like this nonsense? What good does it bring you? You will also swear to each other, and hate each other. Do you have the same arrogant "celebrities". After I drove my brother-furry, none of the other furry it did not help him. No one, he just burst into life. What a pointless subculture. Gerard. Belfort, France. (age 21) * * * Dear Gerard, Thank you for caring enough about this issue to write to me. I’m sorry you feel so negatively about furries, but since you took the time to write I will try and explain some things to you. To begin with, the modern furry fandom began with a bunch of science fiction and fantasy fiction fans who liked to talk about books and movies and comics with anthropomorphic characters. It later grew in playfulness, with people drawing their own art, dressing up, and having conventions. This is all very similar to other types of fan groups, such as Star Trek and comic book superhero fans. None of those people are crazy, and neither are furries. (Schizophrenia is a mental disorder involving delusions, hallucinations, and severe mood swings. Furries are not schizophrenic.) You also seem to believe that furries want to somehow breed with animals to create anthro characters, or perhaps create them in laboratories. I don’t know where you got this idea, but it is untrue. We are not advocating the actual creation of anthropomorphic species. What nonsense. While it’s fun to imagine such things, anyone with half a brain knows it is neither realistic nor practical in the real world. You are convinced that furries are all crazy and should be institutionalized. If that’s true, why are you writing to me, a crazy person, by your definition, for advice? If I were crazy, I could not have graduated at the top of my class in college, become a senior editor in America’s largest reference book publishing company, forged a successful career as a freelancer, and now write a coherent and helpful advice column that has been complimented both by furries and by a couple of professionals in the mental health care field. I know furries who are computer programmers, marketers, pharmacists, professional photographers and printers, mechanics, and much more, all living productive, sane lives. So, what exactly makes you hate furries so much as to kick your own brother out of your home? He’s your brother, your flesh and blood, and you have abandoned him and then you have the temerity to complain that other furries won’t help him when you yourself—his own family—have refused to do so? Do you not see the hypocrisy in your own actions? Furthermore, did any of these furries who didn't take in your brother actually know him? If not, why would you assume they would take in a stranger just because he was a furry? That's like saying I should bring a stranger into my home because we both like the same football team. Finally, if he were actually insane for some reason, don't you think that the proper thing for you to have done in that case would have been to get him some help from a psychologist rather than shoving him out the door? As to why furries such as yours truly enjoy being furry, I will tell you. I have enjoyed books and films with furry characters since I was a boy and read Kipling’s The Jungle Book and Richard Adams’ Watership Down, well-respected works of literature. I also have and still do enjoy Disney films, and I am certainly not alone in that since such films ranging from Bambi to The Lion King have appealed to millions for decades. Since discovering the fandom, I have made more friends than I ever had in childhood or as a young adult. As a fursuiter, I enjoy dressing up as a bear and entertaining people, like I did most recently at Halloween (see below). Fursuiting brings joy to a lot of people, young and old, and I love to entertain them. Finally, I also have a spiritual connection to furry in that I believe that animal and other spirits in our world can have an effect upon us. With me, the Bear spirit is particularly strong. Think I’m crazy in that respect? Perhaps you should talk to the many thousands of Native Americans who believe as I do and to my spiritual adviser Blackbear, who has taught me about the Medicine Wheel and our connections to animals, something that far to many human beings have sadly lost. So, for me and for many others like me, it is not a “pointless subculture.” Gerard, you have told me nothing about your brother that should engender such hatred in you. So he is a furry, so what? How does that hurt you so badly that you would make him homeless? Are you ashamed of him? You mention you are not homophobic, implying that your brother may be gay. Are you actually covering up your homophobia with a pretense that you hate furries? I suspect that could be a real possibility. In the end, who is more crazy? The person who is a furry and likes anthro characters, or his brother, who has a maniacal hatred for something that is harmless (extreme mood swings) and is so delusional (note that word) about what furries actually are that he would make his brother homeless. Hmmmm, sound familiar? If I had to choose between you and your brother, I know whom I would recommend see a mental health professional. Papabear [Supplement to the above. Papabear just got this reply from Gerard. I'm not going to bother to respond to it because he has made up his mind on his views and there is no sense in arguing, but I thought my readers might be interested. The text with > in front of it is Gerard quoting my earlier reply.]
Hi. > To begin with, the modern furry fandom began with a bunch of science > fiction and fantasy fiction fans who liked to talk about books and movies > and comics with anthropomorphic characters. Anthropomorphic animals do not exist, never existed, and naturally can not occur. Nature has provided a number of restrictions and blocking interbreeding, from genetic incompatibility to biochemical incompatibility. All should know and understand, and not to live in a meaningless world of fantasies that do not lead to anything. I have carefully read that is your subculture and there are no books or anything. But there are a lot of pornographic images and pornography in the infamous mursuits. > It later grew in playfulness, with people drawing their own art, dressing > up, and having conventions. This is all very similar to other types of fan > groups, such as Star Trek and comic book superhero fans. I ham and it can also be called subculture. But we have no one dresses up in costumes microchip and is not engaged with the sex. We have no conflicts, hatred, abuse, celebrities with their own sense of grandeur. Our websites is not censorship, as it is yours. We do not fight with the views that we may not like. We have no conflict if someone someone copies the scheme. By the way, hams get useful knowledge. > None of those people are crazy, and neither are furries. (Schizophrenia is > a mental disorder involving delusions, hallucinations, and severe mood > swings. Furries are not schizophrenic.) To be mad, do not have to be a furry, but to be furry enough to be crazy. You want me to believe that a grown man puts on a suit is not clear why - it is adequate? > You also seem to believe that furries want to somehow breed with > animals to create anthro characters, or perhaps create them in > laboratories. I don t know where you got this idea, but it is untrue. We > are not advocating the actual creation of anthropomorphic species. What > nonsense. While it s fun to imagine such things, anyone with half a brain > knows it is neither realistic nor practical in the real world. Then what's the point? It's just stupid, it's insane. I can create a radio transmitter, can create a microprocessor-based device, it will all be a reality and will work. That can create furry, tons of nonsense? > You are convinced that furries are all crazy and should be > institutionalized. If that s true, why are you writing to me, a crazy > person, by your definition? If I were crazy, I could not have graduated at > the top of my class in college, become a senior editor in America s largest > reference book publishing company, forged a successful career as a > freelancer, and now write a coherent and helpful advice column that has > been complimented both by furries and by a couple of professionals in the > mental health care field. I know furries who are computer programmers, > marketers, pharmacists, professional photographers and printers, > mechanics, and much more, all living productive, sane lives. Mental health is a very broad term. A good writer can be a serial killer. > So, what exactly makes you hate furries so much as to kick your own > brother out of your home? 1. It is absolutely pointless. 2. The lack of development. 3. Furry - very bad people: censorship on websites, aggression, anger, arrogance. I do not want next to me was a furry. Previously, he was kicked out of the house parents who found the yiff image. My father was General of the Army and he almost killed him for this picture. > He s your brother, your flesh and blood, and you have abandoned him and > then you have the temerity to complain that other furries won t help him > when you yourself his own family have refused to do so? Do you not see > the hypocrisy in your own actions? This is not a complaint but a statement of fact uselessness of your subculture. Why I did wrong, why should I put up with a furry? My house cost me a very big deal and I will not stand here furry, yiff, fursuit or something like that. > As to why furries such as yours truly enjoy being furry, I will tell you. I > have enjoyed books and films with furry characters since I was a boy and > read Kipling s The Jungle Book and Richard Adams Watership Down, > well-respected works of literature. I also have and still do enjoy Disney > films, and I am certainly not alone in that since such films ranging from > Bambi to The Lion King have appealed to millions for decades. I believe that books and movies where the animals are anthropomorphized - is extremely harmful. Should be read only informative, scientific and science literature. People engage in this nonsense and do not even have the curiosity to know how the world around us. Disney - it's nasty shit. We are here in France is very hate this company, as they are paying a lot of money to corrupt officials to take those fascist copyright "laws". Willing to sell his mother for money, damn copyrighters. > Since discovering the fandom, I have made more friends than I ever had > in childhood or as a young adult. This is not a friend. Friends - it's close peoples. You talk about the acquaintance and nothing more. Where are the friends of my brother? Huh. > As a fursuiter, I enjoy dressing up as a bear and entertaining people, like I > did most recently at Halloween. Fursuiting brings joy to a lot of people, > young and old, and I love to entertain them. A large man in a strange costume? In Belfort is not accepted. > Finally, I also have a spiritual connection to furry in that I believe that > animal and other spirits in our world can have an effect upon us. With > me, the Bear spirit is particularly strong. Think I m crazy in that respect? Yes, this is crazy. There is no soul, and man, like other animals - it's just a biological robot. > Perhaps you should talk to the many thousands of Native Americans who > believe as I do and to my spiritual adviser Blackbear who has taught me > about the Medicine Wheel and our connections to animals, something > that far to many human beings have sadly lost. So, for me and for many > others like me, it is not a pointless subculture. Even people from Mali is not as obscurantist, to believe in such nonsense. The belief in the soul, some common substance and everything like that is a result of poor education. In France we have is not accepted. It is very strange that in a country of Intel and Google believe in the soul. > Gerard, you have told me nothing about your brother that should > engender such hatred in you. So he is a furry, so what? How does that > hurt you so badly that you would make him homeless? I have always regarded negatively by the furry and I like the fact that it is far away from me. When it came to me and knocked on the door, to me it was very unpleasant. Why do I have to do on a great effort and tolerate all this? Therefore I will not beat my brother, deleting images and block sites. What does a homeless, it is his life. A few years ago, I, too, left home to army orders and now I have my own house. But furry can not work 12 hours, but can only pictures and fursuit. > You mention you are not homophobic, implying that your brother may be > gay. Are you actually covering up your homophobia with a pretense that > you hate furries? I suspect that could be a real possibility. He is gay, but that's no problem for me. > In the end, who is more crazy? The person who is a furry and likes anthro > characters, or his brother, who has a maniacal hatred for something that > is harmless (extreme mood swings) and is so delusional (note that word) > about what furries actual are that he would make his brother homeless. > Hmmmm, sound familiar? I do not consider myself crazy, my way of thinking is completely logical. > If I had to choose, I know whom I would recommend see a mental health > professional. A psychiatrist with whom I consulted, said furry mental illness. This is an occupational therapist, a licensed and diplomas.
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Dear Papa Bear,
I believe you recently answered a letter from my boyfriend, Sorsolier, and I want to say thank you for your words. What you said was almost the exact same thing we had agreed upon a few days before you posted it, so the confirmation of our mutual realization was great to have and made us both feel much better about the situation. I would also like to say, you nailed it right on the head when you said the reason I was upset was because of a miscommunication problem. We’ve been working quite hard to make sure that kind of thing doesn’t happen again ... in a long-distance relationship, that’s pretty damn important and I screwed it up. I should have said how I felt right from the start, but that’s not the reason I’m writing you today. Since I don’t know quite how to begin this explanation, I guess I’ll start from the way beginning. I’ve suffered from social anxiety my entire life, so much so that it has actually led to me slipping into depression during eighth grade, and I still have yet to dig my way out of it. I used to not be able to talk to anybody, and the only real friends I’ve ever had up until junior year were the ones I’ve had since I was three. Now, it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be. Years in musical theatre and increased social interactions have led to me becoming quite an outgoing person, so much so that when I say I have social anxiety, people laugh at me, thinking it’s a joke. However, I have long since noticed a new threshold that I cannot pass. Whenever something gets even slightly romantic and/or sexual, I feel like I’m about to have a heart attack. On the off chance that someone actually tries to flirt with me, my heart leaps up into my throat and I can’t speak. The last time I held hands with a girl, I think I nearly broke her fingers cuz it felt like I was about to have a heart attack. It seems I have gotten it stuck in my mind that whenever something like this happens, I’m going to fuck up miserably and ruin everything, and by letting that fear take me over it becomes a reality, whether I would have otherwise or not. Quite frankly, it’s horrible and has led to me believing that I will not find someone. Kind of odd considering I now have a boyfriend... I honestly don’t know why he fell in love with me, but I’m definitely not complaining, as this is the longest, happiest relationship I’ve been in my entire life (the other ones being shallow, nothing relationships that barely involved doing anything and only lasted a couple of weeks). A long-distance relationship, while still utterly terrifying to me, seemed to be ideal. We could only ever have text-based chats because he’s on a data plan, and any voice or video chatting would drain his monthly data in just a few short hours. There’s no physical contact whatsoever, and no matter how nervous I am, he can’t see just how much I’m freaking out. It’s been months since those initial first thoughts, and now I’m more than a little confused as to what exactly I’m feeling. I have reached the point where I am absolutely craving physical contact, which, since he lives in New Zealand, and I, Chicago, isn’t going to happen very easily. You’d think that because I am craving this closeness, I’d be over my fears of a physical relationship, but no. While I fantasize about us being together (In both innocent, and not so innocent ways), the thought of actually going to New Zealand and meeting him next year (which is an option that has arisen for me) still has me terrified. I still have incredibly low self-esteem of myself, I still have issues with intimacy and commitment, and I’m still terrified that I’m going to do something wrong, not just because it will be embarrassing, but because this is the first time we’ll get to see what each other is like in person. If I fuck up, I could lose him, and that’s probably what terrifies me most of all, not just because I love him, which I do with all my heart, but I’m scared that I’m never going to bounce back. Current boyfriend aside, I still feel like I will never be able to find someone who would want to be with me if this relationship were to fail, which there is an extremely high chance that it will given the obvious complication of living on separate sides of the planet. Given this, there are PLENTY of questions I want to ask and pinning just one down to ask is ... really rather hard. I’m nervous, I’m scared, I just... I don’t know what to do, about the anxiety, about the relationship, about anything. So I guess the real question to ask that would just encompass everything is ... am I insane? Insane for being in this relationship? For loving someone I haven’t even spoken to face to face? For being this worked up over even just the simple act of holding hands with my boyfriend? Thank you for sitting through my rant, and thanks ahead of time for your words and advice. I appreciate both of them. Sincerely, Morris Archeltum * * * Hi, Morris, Sorry for the late reply. Glad I was helpful with the earlier letter. About this one: I need to ask a question. Have you, by any chance, suffered from a traumatic earlier event in your life involving sex and/or romantic relationship? Your reply will be most helpful. Papabear * * * While I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if I dug up some sort of repressed memory later in life, no, I do not recall any sort of incident involving sex or romance. I have been taking therapy, and my therapist says that it is because I have had too many bad experiences with people in general, particularly in my early childhood, which has spawned a fear of forming relationships (of any kind). While I have moved on and have been able to form friendships, it still carries over into what I have described in my letter. Morris * * * Hi, again, Morris, It’s good that you’re receiving some therapy, but I’m not sure it has been helping you. Some things need talking about here..... Firstly, a phrase that really caught my attention was when you referred to Sorsolier as your “current boyfriend.” That’s called a Freudian slip. The implication here is that you expect this relationship to fail, and Sorsolier is only going to be in your life for now. If that is your mental state, then you have already set yourself up for failure. Again *deep, heavy sigh* the problem here is the distance. Unless you are really serious about him and plan to either move to New Zealand or have him move to Chicago, then continuing to pursue this relationship is an exercise in futility. You are only doing it because having a boyfriend thousands of miles away is comfortable for you because of your relationship anxiety (you couldn't have asked for a boyfriend who was farther away and still on this planet). You really need to take a deep, long look into your soul and answer truthfully, with all your heart, do you see yourself and Sorsolier together in the future for many years ahead? I mean, REALLY together, not just online? If not, then you should break it off with him and let him be free to live his life in New Zealand while you live your life in Illinois. It is not fair to him to ask him to be faithful and alone because you cannot get over your social anxiety issues. Now, as to that. You don’t realize it, but you have already found a solution to your problem: theater. As you have found, your involvement in the theater has done wonders for your ability to interact with other people. Shazam! This can also work in your love life. When you are on the stage, your anxiety is relieved because you have placed a mask over your identity, becoming a character and, hence, shielding your ego from personal hurt. I would bet you that when you first became involved in theater, this worked for you on stage, but not in real-life interactions. BUT, over time, and with continued stage experience, the easing of that anxiety also carried over into your day-to-day interactions so that now, as you say, the friends you have cannot believe you are a shy person. You can use this same technique in your love life. You might try this by starting with your fursona, although any alter ego character will work. When you meet a potential love interest (or, if things go well, when you meet Sorsolier in real life), do so as your fursona, as Morris Archeltum, not your real self. This might sound disingenuous to you, but it really isn’t since most furries’ fursonas are actually reflections of their true egos. With this temporary shield in place, you will find that your anxieties will be alleviated because you will not feel so vulnerable. You can take on some of the confidence of your fursona to beef up the confidence you are lacking in your primary ego. Continue to use this technique until, inevitably, as you found in your theater experience, you will no longer need your alter ego. You can take off the fursuit, so to speak, and present yourself fully to your love interest. Depending on the extent of your anxiety, this will take more or less time, but it will happen with enough patience on your part. Morris, do not let fear run your life. It is fear that prevents us from living, prevents us from being our true selves. Use your fursona as a crutch until your anxiety handicap has eased, and you will get over your fear of messing up your relationships. Expect success and you will create it. Good luck! I wish you love and happiness. Papabear Hi, Papabear,
This is my first doing something like this so I'm not sure if I'm asking right. I have been having a bit of trouble in school. Last year I had the same problem and didn't know how to fix it. It seems I have become a gay magnet at my school. Like almost every other week or month, some gay dude flirts with me, admits he has a crush on me, or even asks me out. Even some of my teachers try to hook me up with their sons, since they say I'm a nice guy. Problem is was raised with nothing but a female figure so I was raised as a metro. I may act feminine and gay, but I'm straight. So what I'm asking is, do you know how I can deal with this? On a side note, I know you only do one question per ask thing, but do you know how I can get out of the friend zone with the girls? This might help me out with my main question. Kagex (age 20) * * * Hi, Kagex, An interesting quandary. I had kind of assumed that the whole metrosexual trend had waned because I haven’t heard it really discussed much in a couple years, hmm. So, despite your efforts to tell people you are straight, they keep assuming your are not, correct? And each time some guy flirts with you or some teacher tries to set you up with his or her son you inform them you are straight, yes? The problem with that can potentially be the “methinks he doth protest too much” syndrome in which people think that, the more you deny you’re gay, the more you are just trying to hide it. Kind of like this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g196vURUDo. As you have now experienced, human beings make a lot of judgments based on appearance alone (judging a book by its cover). We are quite shallow that way. So, one solution to your issue would be to dump the metrosexual look and imitate the dress of your muy macho peers. [Note to readers: metrosexuality can be seen as more about good grooming and pride in one’s appearance than about being feminine in any sense of the word, but many people who don’t understand this assume the metrosexual is an effeminate man.] The problem with that is you would be getting rid of something that is a part of you (I am guessing you dress metrosexually because you are comfortable with that and not because your mother dresses you as such). The other possible solution involves your behavior. Being a metrosexual is really just a superficial trait that has to do with how you dress, the way you quaff your hair with products, and so on. Your behavior, who you are, is still straight. What you can do, then, while still being true to yourself, is enhance your straight behaviors as much as possible and present them as publicly and unabashedly as possible. If you were a jock who loves sports, that would be an ideal way to impress people with your masculinity. Simply talking about sports more often also leads people to think you are straight, even though many LGBT people enjoy sports. Is it a stupid stereotype? Yes, but we’re already trying to counteract a stupid stereotype, so let’s fight fire with fire. Another stereotype would involve cars. Like cars? Like to fix cars? Or motorcycles? Great way to convince people you are straight (unless you are a woman, in which case it has the opposite effect; also, leathermen like motorcycles and are gay, so, again, stereotypes are problematic--just don't wear leather chaps and you should be okay ;-) ). Or, indeed, are you handy with tools? These are all things that people consider masculine. The other obvious thing would be to be seen kissing one or more girls. You asked Papabear how you could get out of the friend zone with girls. Well, one bold way would be to frankly ask a girl you like if you can kiss her—or maybe, when the timing is right, just go for it without asking at all. This takes some guts on your part, and I’m not sure how shy you are or even if you ever have kissed a girl yet, but boldness will definitely get you out of the friend zone with a girl. Also, it will go a long way toward destroying the perception that you are gay if you kiss a girl in a public area. In such an event, gossip is your friend. People learn by repetition. Because they have observed you wearing clothing they consider feminine in some ways and focusing on your hair so much, and because they have yet to see you date a girl or exhibit other masculine behaviors, they assume you are gay. Break that pattern by repeating more masculine behaviors and, even if you do continue to pursue your metrosexual lifestyle, it should go a long way toward changing the way people perceive you. Good luck Papabear When You Go from Online Friends to Moving in Together, You Skip an Important Step: Dating11/10/2013 Hey Papabear,
It's been too long ^^ I hope you are well ^^ A quick update; things are getting better with my mother (stated in my previous letter) so thank you ^^ Now a lot has happened since my past letter and I was hoping you could help me once again ^^; so um the biggest thing that has happened is that I am now in a LDR with my mate (a shark and a wolf, Who'd a Thought, right? ^^ ) It's been going good since Oct. 12 of this year. Especially since I live in the USA and he in Singapore, so right now I suspect that we are still in the “cupcake” phase where everything is sweet and a lot of "I love yous” (nothing wrong with that ^^). However, I want to make this work, like move in together, possibly a family (I don’t know), but what is bothering me is that I'm not sure if I can make this work. I'm freaking out on the inside because I'm worried that if this is lust and not love, how to tell my parents, if this won't last or just if I'm going to screw up. He’s told his mother about me; I'm trying to find the right time to tell my parents. We agreed that we want this relationship to be something real and not just about sex; we've been honest with each other about everything; we talk on Skype on a daily basis and yet I'm so worried I'm going to screw it all up. Again, I know it's early to tell, but I'm just worried, Papabear. I want to make him happy, I want to have a happy life with him, and he does too. He's gotten me to calm down when I bring some of these worries to him and reassured me that he will still love me. Am I just over worrying over nothing Papabear? :( Thank you for listening once again. Hope you are well, Conri “Over worrying” Neon (age 17) * * * Dear Conri, Glad things are going well with your mom, and, yes, I'm fine, thanks for asking :3 As to your letter, if you are familiar with my column, you already know Papabear’s stance on the problems with long-distance relationships. You are experiencing one of the problems with it right now. You are rightfully freaking out about taking this to the next level because you have not experienced an actual relationship yet. Therefore, there are so many unknowns that you are naturally nervous. For example, how can this relationship possibly be about sex when the two of you live thousands of miles apart? Unless one of you has an amazing penis, you have not had sex because, no, “online sex” is not sex. I can see this is going to be an ongoing battle for Papabear, convincing this young generation that is so tied to the Internet that the difference between an online, virtual relationship and a real-life relationship is like the difference between playing “Grand Theft Auto” and actually being a car-stealing, killing-machine criminal in real life. In the former, when things don’t go well and someone kills you, you just restart the game; in the latter, you’re dead. The virtual world is safe, sanitary, clean. And, if you get into a problem with someone, you can block that person and easily cut them out of your life. Compare that to, say, a wife or husband with whom you have had children, built a home, hugged and cried together and then it ends in a divorce. The emotional devastation is huge compared to breaking it off with someone you have never seen, except on a screen, and who lives hundreds or thousands of miles away. I will say this three times so that, like saying Beetlejuice, perhaps it will sink in: Virtual, online relationships are in no way, shape, or form the same as real-world relationships. Virtual, online relationships are in no way, shape, or form the same as real-world relationships. Virtual, online relationships are in no way, shape, or form the same as real-world relationships. Confusing the two leads you to the mistake you are about to make because you believe that you are having a real relationship and that, therefore, you can take it to the next level of moving in together and becoming mates or even legal spouses. You should not make this leap (especially at age 17) before you have experienced some real-world time together. Therefore, instead of pushing yourself to move in with him, you need to take some time to spend some quality time with him. In the olden days when Papabear was young and dinosaurs roamed the earth, we used to call this “dating.” I know, it’s quaint and old-fashioned, but a lot of you youngsters should really try it sometime. I know, he’s in Singapore, and that makes it difficult (should I caution you on the fact that there are many young people in places like Asia and Africa looking to find Americans who will help them move to the United States, or is that too preachy?) But if you are really serious about this you will take the time to travel there, get a hotel room (do NOT move in with him) and just visit him and get to know him. Don’t go from chatting and Skyping online to moving in together. You are skipping the very important, indeed vital, stage of dating. It is when you date that you discover whether or not the two of you are compatible. If you are not, then you either become friends or go your separate ways, thus escaping a huge mistake that is both an epic financial and an emotional investment. But if you are compatible, your fears and anxieties will be lifted and you will not need to write a furry advice columnist for help because you will know the other person is right for you. Hope this helps. Good luck, Papabear Hi, Papabear,
I saw that you helped out furries out so I thought maybe you could help me out as well. I don't normally like to talk to people about my feelings, but I'm worried that I may make a decision I'll regret with something that is happening to me. Two years ago I met this great furry that lived only an hours’ drive away from me. We became fast friends, and before I knew it I had fallen in love with her (we are both mtf [male-to-female] transgirls). After about 6 months of being friends we tried to date, but it didn't last long with both of us being submissives and always yiffy—sorry if that's TMI. Anyway, We stayed friends, but a few months after that I guess I did some things to really hurt her and ruined our friendship and she never wanted to talk to me or see me again. I moved away a few months ago, and then out of the blue just a month ago she watched me on FurAffinity and added me to skype and was talking to me again. I guess this is where the question comes in: I still have feelings for her. I still love her, but I'm scared of ruining anything and making her not want to talk to me again. What do you think I should do? Hoping to hear from you soon, and thank you in advance. ~Ashley Raccoon (age 22) * * * Hi, Ashley, May I ask for a little more detail in your letter that may help with my reply? Specifically, what happened (what did you do) that harmed the friendship in the first place? Did you discuss it at all? Are you discussing it now as you try to mend your friendship? Thanks, Papabear * * * Hi Papabear, To answer your questions, She did tell me a few reasons why the friendship ended. She told me that my anxiety was so high that it was causing her own anxiety to shoot through the roof and she felt like she was going to have a panic attack around me, but we are both on anxiety medication now, so that's been handled. I haven't brought anything up since she added me on Skype and Yahoo and watched me on FA, but I think the friendship is being mended. ~Ashley Raccoon * * * Hi, Ashley, Well, then, it doesn’t sound as if this is a matter of your saying something that offended her, but rather the fact that you are both anxious people. As you say, if you can both mellow out, perhaps the friendship may be restored. Papabear is not a big fan of mood-altering medications. I find they are often overprescribed by doctors who want to treat the symptoms and not the causes; sadly, too, many doctors get prescription kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies. It all depends on whether you have a good or a bad doctor, which is why it is so important to carefully choose a family physician. Doctors often don’t address what is causing your anxiety in the first place. There are a couple of possibilities. One could be an actual chemical imbalance, which would, indeed, be helped by medication. However, another cause could be psychological in that you might both be dealing with emotional and mental issues that, frequently, stem from something happening in your childhood. Such cases are best treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. The other is dietary. The more I learn about what the American food industry is doing to us for the sake of quick profits, the more disgusted I become. Things like high fructose corn syrup, aspartame, and (they finally admit) transfats are horrible for our health, not only physically but often emotionally and mentally, too. I am not saying stop taking your medications, since I am not a doctor, but I will suggest you avoid the following foods as much as possible:
All of these have been shown to increase body stress and anxiety. The reason I also highly recommend avoiding any foods with aspartame artificial sweetener, which is commonly found in diet sodas and many other diet products, is because you often won’t hear about this from doctors because neither the FDA nor the AMA has condemned this poison as they should. Other artificial sweeteners, such as sucralose, are not so great either. For a low-cal sweetener, I recommend stevia (sometimes sold under the brand name Truvia™) because it comes from a natural herb and chemical companies hate it and have tried to get the government to ban it. In addition to diet, you might find exercise, yoga, and/or meditation to be helpful for your anxiety disorders. I hope that if you and your friend can both control your anxiety issues, you may enjoy your friendship much more. Good luck! Bear hugs! Papabear Dear Papabear,
First of all, I'd like to say thanks for creating such a great avenue for people to ask questions. To be quite honest, I'm not really sure if I'm a furry myself. Ever since I was little, I've gotten aroused at the site of people being transformed into animals or anthropomorphic animals in general. For most of my younger years, the urges went away but have resurfaced in my teens. I really need some suggestions as to how to cope with this fetish. I am an outgoing person and sociable. Unfortunately, I've never had the guts to tell anyone about this weird kink (even my parents don't know about it). I'd really like to try to find a community of people I could talk to about this and to help me understand it. It would be nice to start a relationship with a girl who I could relate to and start a true relationship with. I don't have a fursona and I just don't know if I am a furry or not. I'm not into the idea of fursuiting at all. Where should I start and who should I talk to? Thank you for your time and I truly appreciate you taking time to have this advice column. Sincerely, Ash * * * Dear Ash, I can see you need a lot of help becoming familiar with furries and coping with your personal identity. First, let me clear up some misconceptions you have:
As for talking to people about being a furry, I invite you to peruse the “Coming Out Furry” category on this website for some tips on talking to family about being a furry. And, as for finding a girlfriend who is a furry and who will understand who you are, believe it or not there are furry dating sites you can check out, including FurryMate.com and FurryDate.com. I would recommend you join some furry social sites, too. Although FurAffinity.net is the most popular, you will find that a large part of its focus is on art. I like FA, but would recommend you check out Furry4Life.org for a site that is more about social networking than art. Also, I am slowly working on the American Furry Association, which will be a site helping to connect furries, too. Start talking to other furries, and try to see if there are local furmeets or cons you can go to for extra exposure to the fandom. You need to get over your fear of being a “weirdo” and learn that there is a large community out there that shares your interests. Being different doesn’t make you weird; it makes you unique and fun and interesting. Try not to be ashamed of who you are and what you enjoy. As long as you are not hurting anyone, there is nothing wrong with having unconventional sexual preferences—or preferences about anything else, for that matter. Feel free to write again if you have more questions. Hugs, Papabear Hi there!
So, my mate and I live about an hour apart, and since she doesn't drive, she relies on a mutual friend of ours to bring her up to see me and our other friends on weekends. I'm disabled, and she is my primary caretaker, so these visits are extremely important to both my physical and mental health. The thing is, the mutual friend who usually brings her up has started inviting himself into my dorm, even after we've told him no. And while he's there, he gives us attitude for not wanting/being able to go out, among other things. The real issue I'm having is that I'm a babyfur (mate gives no f***s), and I keep all my cub stuff in a plastic crate in my closet/sewing room that has no door. I tell everyone who ever comes into my dorm that they're not allowed in that room, and yet my mate and I have had to chase him out of there several times because he was just poking around. Particularly while I'm asleep or in class. It's also come to my attention that he can't keep secrets, and if he found out I was a cub, he would go and tell all our friends. I don't want him in my dorm again. But I'm scared he either won't understand and blow it up out of proportions, or he'll stop bringing my mate up whatsoever. Advice? —Kota (age 19) * * * Dear Kota, On the surface of this situation, you are being held a hostage by this person because he has leverage, power, over you and your mate. The solution is to wrest that power from him so you can get out of this uncomfortable situation. Start exploring your options. As Captain Kirk said, I don’t believe in no-win scenarios. Reprogram the Kobayashi Maru program if you need to. Some options:
But that is just the first impression one gets from your letter. Something else occurs to the ol’ bear. You mention nothing about compensation for this mutual friend of yours who drives your girlfriend one hour, one way, to visit you. Do you pay him? Do you take him out to dinner as a thank you? Do you at least compensate him for gasoline? Or do you just expect him to drop off your girlfriend and then disappear for a few hours while the two of you have fun because he's your friend? If you look at it that way, you might see that it is you who is being the rude one. A possible explanation for his apparent rudeness of coming into your dorm room and snooping in your closet is that he is bored out of his gourd. I’m guessing you two ignore him and he is left to twiddle his thumbs in a corner. As you said, he's not supposed to come into your dorm room, and when he asks the two of you if you want to all go out somewhere, you say no. What option does that give him? I’m also guessing he has no friends near your dorm and has no one he can go visit on his own while you two socialize. I would think that if you and your girlfriend spent time with him, he would not be bored and would therefore have no reason to poke his nose into your things. If I am wrong about this, then explore your alternatives as mentioned at the beginning of my response. But if I am right, the solution to your problem is to be more grateful to your friend for going out of his way to help both of you and to treat him as a friend in return. Cheers, Papabear * * * [The follow-up: This is why it is so important for writers to this column to provide full information. You'll notice how, once given more details, Papabear's reply is totally different.] Papabear, To answer a few questions posed by this. He is paid, both ways by both of us, and when he is here, he is allowed full access to my tv, computer, xbox, and playstation. My mate and him also have the options to go elsewhere for entertainment while I am at class (we usually do so when I'm around, and there usually isn't a lot of sitting around time) My mate is unable to drive for anxiety reasons, and has been trying very hard in the past year to be able to drive on her own. Other friends do sometimes come and get her, but he's usually wanting to come to my town on weekends, so he usually brings her (it's a college town, he enjoys partying, and usually leaves us on our own anyways) He does have friends here, which also makes little sense to me as to why he won't go see others, and insists on staying inside the dorm all day while my mate sleeps and I'm at class The thing is, he does have options, but every time we've tried to talk to him, he gets extremely angry, and we just don't know what to do at this point. Does that help in the analyzing of this at all, or perhaps bring new ideas? Because we're still at a loss. Kota * * * Hi, Kota, Yes, all that information does make a big difference. What I'm hearing is that both you and he have options and this isn't like an all-or-nothing situation in which if you lose him as a driver you will never see your girlfriend again or get medical care; also, you ARE compensating him and he DOES have options so he doesn't have to hang around your dorm room. So, are you simply afraid of his anger? Why is HE angry when YOU are the one being offended by his snooping around in your stuff. If I were you, I would lay some ground rules, including no rummaging through your personal things and no hanging out in your dorm room while your mate is asleep and you are in class. That's just common courtesy, and if he can't adhere to those simple rules then he can't visit you in the dorm and you will find other people to drive your girlfriend. I'm not sure why he is so offended, unless he has not been taught proper manners and courtesy by his parents or guardians. If that's the case, it is time he learned. Too bad you have to be the one to teach him to respect others, and if he can't then time to show him the door. Good luck, Papabear Papabear, I keep hearing about animosity between Furries and Bronies. Having recently become a fan of My Little Pony, and having been a Furry for several years, I'm thinking about a possible way to end the feud. Would going to a Brony convention as a "sleeper furry," making friends with a lot of people there, and revealing I'm a Furry at the last minute be a good idea, or do you think I should do something different? Alec * * * Hi, Alec, It’s nice of you to want to do something to help unite Bronies with the rest of the fandom, but I’m not so sure your strategy is a good idea. Mostly because you are taking advantage of people’s trust and then revealing at the last minute you’re a furry (although, ironically, IMO all Bronies are already furries). This immediately sends a message to the Bronies that you have been lying to them, which will naturally make them wonder if you can be trusted in the future. Even if your idea did work and the Bronies really liked you, just the fact that you were cool with them wouldn’t mean they would think that all furries would be just as cool. In fact, they would be very foolish to make such a generalization. I believe, like everything else in the fandom, there will always be some conflict between furries and Bronies because, psychologically speaking, whenever you differentiate between two groups of people you create an “us” vs. “them” mentality that cannot be fully overcome. However, there is hope that we can minimize such animosities over time. It’s rather silly that we should be fighting each other, but that’s what people tend to do. It doesn’t matter if you’re a furry, Brony, mundane, or whatever. People are naturally prone to this type of mentality in which they form tight bonds within groups and then look at others with fear, anger, or mistrust. The best way to stop this is to join groups under one umbrella, but if you asked Bronies to call themselves furries, or vice versa, you would get resistance, which means possibly creating a new name for all groups—furries, Bronies, therians, otherkin etc. etc.—which would be artificial and rather strained. I suppose such things are best left to heal organically or not at all. If we could combine diversity with tolerance, that would be the best solution of all. Or, as Tom Lehrer once made famous with a song, perhaps we should have a national day of tolerance to unite us. Papabear Here’s the song :-) [This post has been deleted per the writer's request. To my readers: please note that if you write to me and don't want a letter posted on this website, all you have to do is ask.
Thank you. Papabear] Papabear,
I've made a mistake - it's something I'm not proud of, and it's my own fault for not thinking properly. I've been in an open long-distance relationship for a few months now, and about a month ago - something happened. There was a friend with me, we were talking, stuff happened... I ended up giving him oral - I'd done it before. My boyfriend's visiting me next year, and I wanted to learn to do it properly so I could blow his mind. I wanted to impress him. Before this happened, I told myself I would simply give him oral - nothing more. But after a little - he actually suggested anal sex. I honestly didn't expect him to ask - I was so shocked. And being horny and dumb - I said yes. I was in an open relationship - I was allowed to. I justified my actions in my head. Everything was all very weird and apathetic. He barely got two inches in me, I didn't feel much at all, and we went for 30 seconds to a minute before he pulled out and began masturbating. There was little talk, save me asking how it felt, and his monotone reply of "good... I suppose." Afterward - even though I was allowed to in an open relationship - I felt I had betrayed my boyfriend. It just hit me suddenly. I was shattered. I told him as soon as possible - I had to. He wasn't angry, but he was upset - rightfully so. We're closed now, but the pain still remains. It's the biggest mistake I've ever made. Now we come to my question. I always envisioned an awesome, magical moment with him where he would take my virginity - but now he's unsure as to whether I still have it or not. I know it'd mean a lot to him to be my "first time." So - do I constitute as a virgin still? I was technically penetrated, but what occurred was so brief, shallow and made me feel so lonely and empty inside that I refuse to believe such an experience could be lovemaking. Am I still a virgin after this which I see as "experimentation," or must I accept that I'm no longer a virgin, and just give him all I have left? Thank you... Sorsolier (age 17) * * * Dear Sorsolier, Being a virgin means you have not had sex. I think most people reading this would agree with me that having anal penetration, no matter how briefly or shallowly, constitutes sex. I also consider oral sex to be sex. So, I’m afraid you cannot say you are a virgin any longer. You can’t pull a President Clinton and say, “It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.” However, what you experienced was not lovemaking. It was two inexperienced guys having awkward, uncomfortable, loveless sex. Just typing that makes me go “bleah.” Afterwards, you both experienced that hollow feeling inside that comes with having an intimate experience with someone you don’t love. You and your partner had agreed to be in an open relationship, so he really has no right to be mad at you if he meant that sincerely (apparently, he did not, since you are now in a monogamous relationship). Sounds like you have a bit of a communication problem that you should work on. Part of the problem, as I’ve stated many times in this column, is the difficulty of having a long-distance relationship. I hope that the two of you will eventually make plans to live closer together. You both need physical contact, and that need probably contributed to your letting your shields down. But don’t beat yourself up over your first sexual encounter too much. Most young people think the first time will be fantastic, but as you saw it can be very clumsy, even ridiculous. Perhaps it could be a good thing you got that out of the way and, hopefully, learned a few things about your body (and yourself) that will, indeed, make sex with your boyfriend better. I remember my first time, and OMG was my performance terrible! But you get better at it with practice, just like anything else. Your awkwardness, too, could have been caused by voices in the back of your head telling you it was wrong. While you can no longer say you’re a virgin when you do have sex with your boyfriend, what you can give your boyfriend is your first genuine lovemaking experience. You can say to him, honestly, “I may have had sex before, but I have never made love before, and you will be the first man that I give myself to fully, giving you my heart, my soul, and my body.” Once you have done this, you will experience a joyful and cathartic afterglow that will be infinitely more satisfying than what you felt after that first time. Cheer up, and good luck with your boyfriend! Papabear |
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