Hello Papa Bear,
I am a fan that wrote to you a while back and it seems like I need help again... Lately I've noticed a pretty toxic looking pattern in my behaviour. I'm not sure why but small things I don't understand tend to set me off and I need to rant to not be overwhelmed. On top of that I think I subconsciously seek conflict even though I hate it. I've never thought it was a huge problem because I could control it, until recently. As you might or might not know, Daniel from the YouTube group Cyndago recently passed away due to suicide. I looked up information because I had been out of the loop, and found Cyndago has quit YouTube which confused me and kind of angered me because I saw no logic in the decision. I decided to post my opinion that they had no reason to quit on a website to hopefully get some clarification as to the reasoning behind it. That ended up being a huge mistake. Almost immediately I got a ton of backlash from fans for apparently being insensitive to death and mourning and one person called me (warning for harsh language) "either a [redacted] angsty teenager or disrespectful trash of a [redacted] human being" before telling me pretty angrily to "have some [redacted] human decency." What made it worse was that an account that was allegedly Ryan's (another Cyndago member) found my post and responded saying I thought it was all about me, which I never said but I still feel awful about that. I have Asperger’s which makes me have trouble empathizing and seeing social cues sometimes, so needless to say I was very upset and did not understand what I said wrong. It's just an opinion, right? I never said they had to stay, just that I didn’t think they should quit. (Though my post was poorly worded and sounded mad because I was tired.) I have already issued an apology and explanation, though it seems people either ignored it, didn't see it, or hated me more for trying to apologize because I've gotten some more hate since. I feel like I've irreparably screwed up and would like some advice to keep this from happening again because I kind of hate myself now. Sincerely, Apparently A Bad Person * * * Dear Apparently, You are not a bad person. For one thing, your Asperger’s could very likely have made it difficult for you to write a post that evoked the amount of sympathy that many people might expect. For another, who hasn’t written an email or post while angry or sad or under duress and then hit “send” or “post” before they should have? I know I’ve done this a couple times. We all make fools of ourselves now and then. And you took the right steps to apologize for it, and if not everyone accepts that apology, then they just need to get over it. In the future, my advice would be that whenever you feel like posting something that has a strong opinion in it, you first write it, then set it aside for a while (save it in Word or save the message as a draft). Go back to it a few hours (or even a day or two) later and reread it. Now that you have calmed down or thought about it, ask yourself, “Is this what I would write now? Is it well-reasoned? Is it polite?” If it is, go ahead and send it; if not, either rewrite it or don’t send it at all. Don’t hate yourself. We all goof up sometimes. Learn from the goofs and move on. Hugs, Papabear
0 Comments
Dear Papa Bear,
One of my dreams is to be fearless. I want to understand the difference between rational and irrational fears, and the extent to which I should fear them. Let me explain. I want to rid myself of any irrational fear, and learn to not overreact to rational fears. Over time, I've discovered that my number one biggest fear is losing my friends. I don't know if it's co-dependence, or just obsession, but I love my friends more than life itself. I've told them before that I'd give it all if I had to, to make sure they are safe. Now, one of my friends, 2 Gryphon, has told me that I AM obsessing too much, and that a friend is simply someone I get along with and can share common interests, and someone I enjoy being around. In fact, he made the comment that what I'm looking for is actually a mate. This is not true because I'm asexual, and just not interested. But it got me thinking. Am I putting so much devotion into my friends, that the relationship I have is more of a marriage than a friendship? Am I placing my friends so high on my list, that they may feel uncomfortable sometimes? And that question, on top of the original fear, is what led me here. All of my friends are used to how I act around them, and they know all my little quirks. If I just change that, and become a more casual and simple guy, will they still like me? That sounds stupid to ask, and I know if they don't, then they weren't good friends and all that, but they are. The person I call a friend is always someone I can put my faith in, otherwise I wouldn't be willing to give it all. So I know my friends wouldn't abandon me, but then why do I fear the change? Am I just too used to how things are already? I want to be a better friend, and I think 2 has the right idea, because he's never told me anything that turned out wrong in the past. The thing is, I fear losing my friends, but I also fear losing who I am. I am a person who makes friends out of people he can truly invest it, and I spend all my time seeing how they're doing, or if they want to hang out, or what I can do to help out in this, that, or the other. If I slow down, just talk to them about common interests, and every now and then, ask how their day's going, how do I maintain that deep connection? If I can't, then how do I know who to befriend in the future? I fear losing my friends more than hell itself, and I fear losing who I am in trying to be a better friend the way 2 explained it. I don't know what to do, or even if this is comprehensible to the human mind...excuse me, bear mind. Sincerely, Soren * * * Hi, Soren, It's really impossible for me to generalize how all of your friends will react because each one of them is an individual and will react to things that you do or say on an individual basis. First, when it comes to mates: it's not always about sex (even though that is usually an important component). You can have a mate and, if you're both asexual, for example, be perfectly happy together without sex. This can happen in other cases, as well, such as when people are quite old and really not that interested in sex, or when one or both is ill and incapable of sex. The point is, they can have a close and loving relationship without it. Friendships, too, come in degrees. I've had friendships with people with whom I've been pretty casual and noncommittal all the way up to Friends with Benefits. Even then, just because I've had sex with them, doesn't mean I want a partnered relationship. Treat each relationship as unique and special. Some friendships will grow and blossom, others will whither with time over the years, you'll lose friends, but also make new ones. But the friendships you make will be much more genuine if you present yourself as who you really are (hmmm, that sounds like a reference to something recent...) rather than what you think others want you to be. Make sense? Hugs, Papabear Hi, Everyone,
I'm not leaving the column. I won't lie and say that what happened with that troll didn't hurt. I was emotionally manipulated in an incredibly deceitful way by a person who regards himself as "clever" because he fooled me. So be it. Call me gullible. Call me stupid for trying to reply to a plea for help. All my replies to his fake letters were made sincerely. They took me hours to write. In the meantime, other real people with real problems had to wait. So, his trolling also affected them. It disturbs me greatly that this person regarded me as a subject for his "experiment." Humans are not lab rats. It is that attitude that led to things like experiments on Jews in concentration camps, the Tuskegee syphilis experiment in which black men were deliberately injected with a disease by the American government, or, more recently, Zuckerberg's little manipulation in which Facebook readers were deliberately fed negative news in order to see if it would depress them and affect their posts. I'm not saying what happened to me matches this scale, but the fundamental concept is the same: people are just things to be toyed with to the minds of trolls. Dear readers, know this: what you see on this page is me. I have revealed to all of you my heart, my beliefs, my failings in order to gain your trust so that when I tell you something it will be believed as a sincere effort to try and help you. Now, sometimes I may be wrong. Sometimes I might even say something dumb, but at least it's done with honesty. Also, you do not have to listen to my advice. As you know, I don't charge for it. And I will never ever try to make you look foolish (er, maybe with the exception of this troll--how about this: I won't make you look foolish if you are honest with me). Everything I've written here has been written for love of the furry community. I'm very sorry that I let this troll get to me. He really did hurt me deeply, and I will acknowledge that here so he can have his laugh at my expense. You know what? I'm only human. So is this troll guy, whoever he really is. And, as a human being and a furry, I will confess an ugliness in my heart. I frankly don't care who he is anymore, and, no, I don't wish him well. There is no good excuse for what he did. None. If I could magically curse him, my curse would be this: that no one believes anything that comes out of his mouth for the rest of his life. (Good Lord! I just created another politician! Shame on me!) Most people I meet in life are good people. For those good people, this column will continue. Love You, Papabear Dear Readers:
I recently got trolled. Some guy in Costa Rica wrote me two letters: one posing as a father of furries in America who needed some help and the other posing as an Orthodox Christian Serbian who hates furries. He later wrote and said I had been fooled and that I was basically a fraud and a lousy writer. I try very very very very hard to help people on my website and I do it for no pay, taking time out of my busy schedule to do this. To give my heart to people, to reveal to them my innermost personal life and try to share the love of being furry and then to be emotionally manipulated like this doesn't make me angry. It makes me feel like I shouldn't even bother. I've blocked this guy's emails, but there's no guarantee he won't disguise himself again and try to waste my time. Therefore, the letter form on my site has new fields. One requires your real address and the other a phone number. These will not be posted on the site or shared with advertisers, but I WILL be calling people and checking this information to verify you are who you say you are. I am sorry for any inconvenience this may cause. Sadly, we live in a world where some people get their jollies out of wasting people's time and trying to make them look like fools. I appreciate your cooperation. I had to to this or risk the site becoming a useless den for trolls and shutting it down. As it is, this guy's prank is going to make the process much slower and will probably result in some people who could use my help to not write to me. For this, I am very sorry. I am also taking a hiatus. Writing "Ask Papabear" for three years has proven emotionally exhausting for me. I've written before how helping people gives my life purpose. Now it seems that my life's purpose is just garbage to some people. I am going to focus on the Furry Book for a while. I don't honestly know when I will be back. The letters I have in the queue will be answered privately and not posted here. Thank you, A Very Sad Papabear Quoting the email I got from him this morning: Thank you,Papabear. You still think that you can talk behind my back and escape with no casualties? What is it?Isn't this a surprise!Ohhhh...That is right!Ahahaha...It was me all along.Kevin. Both "Russell" and "Garry" are MADE UP.Serbia?I just randomly picked it. Ahhhhh....Gross....I had to act that "Perfect family guy"...You fell for it. Face it,the masquerade is over,and you gave me proof that you are just a coward who does not even have courage to face that "Idiot". You may deny it,you will for sure.But,you even taught me something.You are ignorant... You trusted Garry just because his wife and daughter is a furry. And the other thing,you won't trust Russell because he is against the fandom. So,after all,am I an idiot.You bet I am!But,you are too,Kevin. I am A hacker.You don't need to trust me.Both this accounts are stolen. I live in Costa Rica actually. Quite a shock Isn't it?I needed both accounts.One to milk out answers from you,and the other to frustrate you.Thanks for blindly believing me,Kevin.Ohhhh....Your face expression is priceless!I can only imagine the dread in your eyes! But not everything is black and white here.You learned something today.Humans are assholes aren't they? No,that is not it.Look,who am I?Just a random ass from the internet who does not have anything better to do in life but to hack and troll.You are somebody,you help people.Seriously.Great job!Continue doing that.Don't let this heap of shit make you think otherwise.No matter what others say,just keep doing it. Bye bye. Hello, Papa Bear,
Its me again and first sorry for another letter I have a lot on my shoulders lately. Anyway, me and my friends are going through some rough ends. Not long ago my best friend (Amanda) had a birthday party and invited me, and 3 other girls. One of them was our best friend. The others I knew just never really hung out with. Anyways, because me, Amanda and Alyssa (the best friend) haven't seen each other in awhile we decided to have a sleepover. Then Olivia (one of the girls I don't really hang out with) wanted to come. So because I knew her pretty well, and everyone begged me. I said yes. We had some fun, and all, but I felt they weren't including me in anything. They didn't do anything I wanted to do because I thought, since they were my guests we had to do whatever they wanted. So they mostly played on my Wii. Though I didn't join because I only have 3 remotes and there was four of us. So I mostly began to feel sad, and depressed. During the sleepover my two best friends seemed to not act like themselves. Alyssa, who loves animals, started acting as if they were nothing which is something she would never do. Amanda, just hardly noticed me which is normally a first. And Olivia, she is just one of those punk, like girls, and I don't really get along with those type of people very well. I mentioned this on a furry forum and some of my friends on it said to pull them aside and talk to them about this. So I did and it failed. They started acting mean towards me and saying I just want others’ pity. Which isn't true at all. So we haven't talked and things are awkward between us, and my question is, how can I apologize for all of this? I just want us to be friends again. Thank you. Sorry this was long. Topaz (age 12) * * * Hi, Topaz, Papabear suspects he knows what’s going on here. It centers around this girl Olivia. She’s kinda the cool kid, I bet. And I bet Amanda and Alyssa wanted to impress her; this explains why their behavior changed. Bet you that Olivia doesn’t share Alyssa’s love of animals, so she suppressed it so that Olivia would like her more. I also suspect the main reason they wanted to come to your home wasn’t because of you but because of your Wii. You’re not the one who needs to apologize; they are. It was extremely rude of them to hog your Wii and leave you sitting there. Only three controllers? Fine, take turns playing. Have three people play for a while, then low score has to sit out while the next person takes over, and so on. Easy solution, but no one proposed that, did they? And you were too polite and trying too hard to be a good hostess to insist they share your game system. Topaz, in a way, you are at an unenviable age when you have to deal with social cliques all the time. And social cliques can morph constantly in the school years. One day you may find yourself fully accepted in a certain social group, and the next, without even knowing why, you are given the boot. Usually this is because a certain clique—large or small—gets a new member or members who is envied by the original members and anyone who doesn’t likewise want to be like the cool people will be pushed out. Cliques can grow, or shrink, split into multiple different cliques, or merge into supercliques. In this interesting article from PsychCentral, Marie Hartwell-Walker, a doctor of education, explains how there can be two types of social groups in school: clicks and cliques. I have been talking about cliques, which are unhealthy, but Hartwell-Walker also explains there can be social groups that are healthy and are composed of friends who “click” together. What you used to have with Alyssa, Amanda, and you was a click. Three friends who had similar interests and liked hanging out. Now, with the introduction of Olivia, the group is morphing into a clique—an unhealthy group of people with weak self-esteem who want to be part of a “cool” crowd and show themselves as superior to others (read the article, it’s very helpful). At this point, sadly, it sounds as if you are a click member who now is being slowly squeezed out of a group that has turned into a clique. If you want your friends back, there are two potential options: 1) you can suck up to Olivia and try to be just like her in the same way that Alyssa and Amanda are, or 2) you can try and keep Olivia out of your relationship with Alyssa and Amanda. Invite A and A to do super-fun stuff together without O and reinforce your bond with the two girls and make yourself the cooler choice in their eyes. The good news is that it sounds like you have other friends. Good for you! In case the two As decide they want to be with O more than you (something you can only try to influence not to happen but have no ultimate control over), you still have other options in friends. This is not a reflection on you; this doesn’t mean you aren’t friend-worthy. It means that Amanda and Alyssa are becoming social climbers who think it’s more important to look cool than to be genuine friends. It’s sad, I know. It’s not hopeless yet, but be prepared for the possibility they might not be your friends much longer. It’s one of those painful lessons in life everyone goes through. The longer you live, the more friends you will lose.... But don’t worry!!! You will also make many new friends along the way. As you do, you will learn a lot about friendship, both how to pick better-quality friends and how to be a better friend yourself. Wish You Luck! Papabear Hello,
I’ve never done something like this before so ill try to do this as best as I can. I have a friend whose sona name is E--, although I call him ---. He's terribly lonely and is yearning for a mate. In a Facebook group that I monitor, people have been talking about how they've had sex and stuff and how they plowed such and such and sucked such and such. It made Eke jealous, furious even. It made his rage worse when someone that I knew blabbed about how me, him and another had our own session. He hated me dearly for that.... I tried talking to him and he told me that he had tried everything to find someone be his area to be with and have sex with. He’s still really mad at me, but I made a promise to him that I’d try my best to help him in anyway I can. I have a bad feeling that I wont be able to keep this promise. But I don’t want to lose him. I’ve lost too many good friends. If I made any mistakes or I didn’t explain correctly, please tell me. This is my first time after all. Thank you for your help and for giving me your attention. NW (age 19) * * * Dear NW, Your friend seems to be mad at you and other furries out of pure jealousy. That he hates you because you had sex really testifies to a severe lack of emotional maturity on his part, sad to say. You certainly should not feel guilty for having a fun sex life just because Eke lacks one, and you should not apologize for it. If they were a mature, self-confident individual, he would feel happy for you. Likewise, if they are upset by people posting online about their sex lives, then it is easy enough for him to avoid those pages (including your—moderated?—furry page). There are lots and lots of websites, furry and not, that don’t have people on them crowing about whose parts they had in their mouths (oh, and by the way, appalling for people to brag about such things—keep it in the bedroom and keep it private, folks; boasting about your sex life is also extremely immature and offensive, and this is coming from a bear who enjoys kinky sex, so muzzle it). They also seem to equate relationships purely with sex. Let’s face it, he’s horny and wants to get off. NW, it is not your job to help them get laid. They need to stop blaming others for his problems and look inside himself. I could see why others might find such a jealous and whiny person off-putting. If you wish to help him, then help him work on himself. The best way to do this is to boost his self-confidence. Identify those qualities that this person has that are admirable and may attract other people, and work on those. You can, if you are up for it, encourage him and be his cheerleader. They need to feel more comfortable in their own skin before they go out to share said skin with others, comprenez vous? Understood? In short, don’t feel guilty about your sex life and don’t apologize for it; encourage this person to visit sites and social networking pages that don’t obsess about sex; and help them work on their ego a bit. You’re a good friend for caring, but don’t let their emotional issues drag you down. Hugs, Papabear I really don’t know where or how to start this, but I'll do my best. Sorry if it seems all over the place....
So I have this non-furry friend that's quite young (under 20, honestly) and she just had a miscarriage. This person is one of my closest buds and I wish to help them, but there's a few things: 1. I have no idea how to, since I’m clueless on this subject. 2. I’m honestly not sure of how to scold them (as she looks up to me as an older sis of sorts), or even if I should! because not only is she quite young but also has no idea of who the father is... 3. I have a weird fear of babies and pregnancies and the such. I'm afraid of sounding insensitive because of this fact, y'know? ... not to mention her family is STRICTLY against abortions and we're afraid of them knowing... What should I do? What should she do? Are we doomed? Please help. ~Tune * * * Hi, Tune, Just to be clear: this is about an abortion, not a miscarriage, correct? Because at first you said miscarriage. Also, the abortion has already been done? Or is she thinking of having one? Or is this about miscarriages? Please clarify. Thank you, Papabear * * * It's about a miscarriage. * * * Thanks for the reply, Tune. Okay (deep breath), it is not your place to “scold” your friend for getting pregnant. Having a miscarriage is a traumatic event in any woman’s life (whether or not the baby was wanted), and so scolding her after she has gone through so much pain will only make matters worse. You say she is one of your “closest buds,” so be there for her in her time of need. What does this mean? It means you give her a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear. You really don’t have to say much; just be there to listen and to give her a hug. It sounds a bit like your girlfriend has been a bit free and loose, shall we say, with the guys. A bit promiscuouus and not careful about birth control and safe sex? These are things you can definitely talk to her about. Don’t be judgmental, but be informative and supportive. If (and only if) the topic comes up about sex, advise her to be more careful about birth control and insisting the guy wear a condom (and she should also take birth control pills or other precautions such as IUDs, diaphragms, hormone treatments, etc. that are available to her). The other issue, of course, is STDs, so she really needs to be more cautious. If your friends is sleeping around a lot, there might be reasons for this about which you have no clue. Sometimes people are promiscuous because they crave affection they didn’t receive in childhood, for example. Sometimes it happens because—again, as a child—they were victims of incest and have malformed concepts of what love is about. You see, it’s not so simple just to judge someone for their behavior, is it? Tread carefully. Another issue: was she raped? I can’t tell that from your letter, but hope and pray that is not the case. This is an entirely different subject and would, of course, mean that you would definitely be in the wrong if you scolded her for that! So, I am going to assume it wasn’t rape. Back to her family. I’m not really sure what is going on here. You say they are against abortions. Okay, but she didn’t have an abortion; she miscarried. Is the problem that she didn’t tell her parents she got pregnant and she didn’t know who the father was? I could see why that could upset her parents. I’m sensing that there is quite a communication chasm between her and her parents. That is something that is going to take a long, long time to repair, and the first step should not be suddenly announcing, “Mom, Dad, I got pregnant from a guy I don’t even recall and then lost the baby.” Not a good way to start the dialog. What you need to do is first make sure your friend has time to recover from this very emotional experience. Don’t preach to her or judge her, like I said, and just be there to listen when she gives you a phone call or even texts you a message. As she talks to her, be a sounding board. Let her express her thoughts and feelings to her and then offer suggestions (not judgments, not rules, but suggestions) on what she might do. You say she’s under 20, but is she 18 or 19? If so, she is of the age of consent, and the thing to do here is to try and find out why she is behaving the way she is and to try and nudge her into a better direction for her life. This miscarriage might be a wake-up call for her to change her ways. Although you say her family is against abortion, are they otherwise loving and supportive? If so, then when she is ready to, perhaps she can lean on them, too. If not, she needs to get her life in order and learn to stand on her own two feet before discussing this with her parents. There is, remember, no law saying she has to even tell them, but most people would rather let their parents know, I’m sure, rather than hiding such a secret for the rest of their lives. Timing is everything, but healing must come first. Hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear I have not had a mate for 10 years, and ever since 2015 has begun my life took a hard drop. I’ve always had depression, but because I was turning 18 my parents had been on my case to find somebody. That on top of many other things put me in a real low place in life. After my birthday in April I started searching inside myself, I finally realized I was bi; however, the way I was raised, Southern Baptist, I just tried to act otherwise, like it was a phase. But I’ve always been interested in both guys and girls. I’ve been doing RP for sometime now, and in June, I was taking a nap and my mother got into my phone, and she read through one of them (which just so happened to be male on male) so she went the whole day acting funny and when I confronted her about how she was acting (angry) and had no reason to be that way, she said, “Yes, I do,” and went on to explain how she went through my phone and then asked if I was gay. My response to her was no (I was still unsure of my sexuality at the time), but then she went on to explain how if I was gay how God would punish me for it and how I haven’t been saved (baptized). Since figuring myself out, I’ve come out to my three closest friends, and I have found a mate. We had been talking for some time, and developed feelings for each other, and after being completely oblivious to his attempts to make it obvious, we were talking about a dream I had (doing some things with someone I could’ve had a chance with). He started acting a little “strange” and when I asked what was wrong he told me he had a crush on someone. Needless to say, I finally caught on and I told him about my feelings for him. Some time later that night, I asked him if he would be willing to try and make a long-distance relationship with me work. I was so happy when he said yes, and he is the best thing in my life. He makes me happy, and we’re both Christian. He is the only thing that’s really made me happy this year, and I was already planning on a trip next summer to get out the stress around here, so I’ll be visiting him. My parents know of the planned trip. When they ask where I'll be going, I just say, “I don’t know where I’ll be going yet.” I would like to tell my mom. I know she already suspects something, but she’s very religious and I’m afraid of how she’ll react. I used to think she was open-minded, but she’s not. If things stay good with my mate and I after I get back, I want to tell her. I don’t care what my father thinks; he just wanted a son to carry on a name. So how should I go about telling my extremely religious parents that I’m not only bisexual, but that I’m dating a gay Christian? Rodor Wolf (age 18) * * * Hi, Rodor, There is an epidemic in America called the Christian Right. These are people who believe they are Christians, but they actually are not. Anyone who says God will hate you because you are gay is not a true Christian. God is about love, not hatred. Anyone who would hate their own son just because of his sexual orientation is a poor excuse for a parent. Papabear gets letters like yours all the time, and, frankly, it’s giving me a bellyache. I am so sickened by parents who treat their own offspring like crap just because they are gay, or bi, or a lesbian, or trans, or furry. To these parents, Papabear says, “Shame on all of you!” I’ve seen mothers and fathers treat their convicted murdering sons with more compassion and love than I see you people treating your perfectly kind and loving children who happen to be homosexual, and I am highly offended by you people. I believe in a loving, kind, and forgiving God. I’m not sure where all this hatred came from, but if I believed in Satan, I would say that you have all suckled the thick, black oils out of his venomous penis. Strong words? You bet. I’m putting my bear paw down on this attitude right now. It makes this bear sad, too, that the Christian Right give all Christians a bad name, because I know quite a few real Christians whom I have told I am gay and who have welcomed me with open arms. I wish they were more vocal. We need to hear their voices. Thank you for indulging me a rant, Rodor. Now, to answer you. Thank goodness you are 18 and are entitled to live your own life now. And I am overjoyed that you have found a loving partner and I pray that both of you can have a wonderful life together. How do you tell your parents? There is no way to tell prejudiced, closed-minded people that you are bi or gay and have them accept you. You could point them to the Bible, even, and show them that there is not a single page in it in which Jesus says he hates homosexuals or that they should all go to hell or that His Father will hate them. This kind of invective comes only from homophobic preachers who probably need to get laid really badly, and since their sex lives stink they take it out on gay people. Another reason preachers and other right-wing activists do this is because they are actually having gay sex themselves and are trying to hide it behind a mask that portrays them as anti-gay. Your parents, sadly, have bought into the hoax of hatred, much of which is perpetrated for political and financially selfish reasons. Why do people do this? Because they are afraid of anything that is different. They are afraid of things that challenge their preconceptions. And people react to fear by becoming hateful as a defense, even if that hate is aimed at their own kids. It makes this bear cry. Now you have a difficult task ahead of you, Rodor, and I’m sorry for you that you have to do this. In order to be happy, you will need to be yourself. I can tell you from experience that hiding it is going to make you absolutely miserable. You know, clearly, you have to tell your parents. The best advice I can give you is to hold off until you can make this announcement from a position of strength. That is, you will need to become independent of them so that they cannot manipulate you effectively with the threat of cutting you off financially and kicking you out of the house. A sad fact is that the number of homeless teens kicked out of their homes by families because they are gay is on the rise in America, and you don’t want to add to that number. Wait until you are comfortable and situated so that you can live on your own, if needed, or with a roommate or perhaps your boyfriend (hope that works for you). When you are ready, just tell them. Sounds like your mom will then tell you you are going to Hell. So be it. You are not responsible for her being so narrow-minded. Don’t be angry with her, though. Just say that you are sorry she feels that way but you disagree and believe in a loving God and there are many people like you who are gay and Christian. In fact, there are entire organizations filled with them, just like this one. Perhaps your mom needs to reread Matthew 7:1. Has she even read the Bible? Sometimes, with these right-wing people, I wonder.... I wish you well. I’m sorry I could not be more helpful, but maybe these words are a comfort. A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: "Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does He endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person?" We must always consider the person. Blessed Be,
Papabear |
Categories
All
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
|