I found out yesterday that Jim died of a blood clot in his lung. From what I understand, he went very quickly and, I believe, suffered very little.
His father asked me to donate Jim's body to medical research, where Jim will once more prove himself the most giving man I've ever known. He will then be cremated and his ashes returned to me. A very small ceremony will be conducted aboard a ship near Catalina Island, where we will give his ashes to the dolphins and they can swim with him because Jim loved the island and the ocean so much. I am going to keep some of the ashes, too, so he will be with me in some physical form, as well as spiritually. After the holidays, I will also hold a memorial service in Palm Springs and invite friends and family to celebrate this man whose heart and soul were larger than life. Please understand that I am going to need some time to be sad and to mourn my love. I need to endure the grieving process. I need to believe that Jim's spirit has been reunited with his first husband, Scott, who died many years ago. Together, they will dance on a disco floor and hold each other and, I think, wait for me and I will see them again, but in the meantime I am missing him so much. If you would like to do anything in Jim's honor, please make a donation in the name of Jim Fordyce to the St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital at this link: https://shop.stjude.org/GiftCatalog/donation.do?cID=14262&pID=24671 I will return to the column when I can recover some. I know you will all understand. Hugs, Papabear
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My love for the last 10 years of my life, Jim Fordyce (Yogi), passed away unexpectedly today.
I will not be writing the column for some time. I'm not sure when I'll return right now. Jim, I love you always. Kevin Dear Papabear,
As I'm over half way through high school it's now time for me to start looking for a job. My plans were to hopefully work with furries for around 5 years before signing my freedom away to the military, but if I like the job too much I was going to stay. (I do realize that I'm still young and things can and do change). My question to you is what jobs are there in the fandom? Sadly I lack the artistic still to be an artist and have yet to even try fursuit construction so those are out. (I also would like to have some furry co-workers) Currently I was looking at applying at Bad Dragon but there located in Phoenix, Arizona and I hate there hot weather. (I'm from north west Washington state). My dream was to move to the Midwest around Michigan or as I like big cities buffalo in upstate New York but I would be willing to go where the job is. P.S. I just thought of something; is a fursuit making assistant a thing? Hashna (age 16, Washington state) * * * Dear Hashna, There really is not much in the way of jobs in the furry fandom, especially if you are not artistically inclined, because there really are not many furry-run businesses. Most people who make money in the fandom are creating things (arts, crafts, fursuits and fursuit paraphernalia) and selling them as small businesses. You mention Bad Dragon, which, if you are cool with the things they manufacture, I hear is actually a pretty good company to work for. I’ve talked to some of their employees, and they are quite happy and feel they are treated well. You say that you are “willing to go where the job is,” but that’s not true if you’re not willing to move to Phoenix. Too bad, because I also hear good things about the furry community in Phoenix. About the only other industry I can think of that is furry-related is in publishing. There are several publishing companies that specialize in furry books, graphic novels, comics and the like. Type in “publishers” on the WikiFur site and explore the companies there. Since you’re not good at the graphics end, you can see if they need help with other areas of publishing, such as sales or administrative tasks (although for the latter you would be better off with a college degree). Speaking of college, I’m assuming you’re considering the military because you can’t afford college? You know, if you can get some decent work you could probably afford a good community college, which is cheaper than a 4-year school, and learn a valuable trade or go into nursing or some such. It’s a very good option for many people, and it has the added benefit of the fact you usually don’t have people shooting at you like you do in the military. Another thing I would advise—nay, beg—you not to do is move to Michigan. The economy there is in the toilet and it is an absolutely miserable place to try to find work; the weather there also sucks big time. If you are dead set on moving to the Midwest, I would suggest Minneapolis/St. Paul as a more viable option (if you really like snow). If you are absolutely convinced you have to move to Michigan, the only city that might be tolerable is Ann Arbor. Nice university town with some culture to it (stay away from Detroit and the surrounding areas). Oh, and there is no such thing as a fursuit maker’s assistant (not, at least, as a paying job), so abandon hope there. Even the most successful fursuit makers struggle to make a living at it and usually supplement their income with other “real world” jobs. So there’s the reality of it. It’s very difficult to make money in the furry fandom world. It can be done, but don’t get your hope up because it’s rare that people make a living in the furry world exclusively. Sorry to burst your bubble. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I was told of your site by a furry friend My story starts off 4 years ago, I lost both my mom and dad in a horrible car crash, I survived but only just as I had been told that doctors were so close to turning off my life support after no response from me until a heart flutter came up. Later when I was discharged I had to began organising a lot of arrangements for the funerals. At the funeral was one of my best friends who looked after me a lot. (I’ll call him Bestfriend 1) afterwards he came and checked on me nearly every day and was very caring, he’d even take me shopping or for walks just to get me out of the house. Time passed and I soon tried to let it slip my mind because of the fact they weren’t coming back and nothing I could say or do would do anything. Anyway 2 years later (being 2 years ago) Another friend (I’ll call him Bestfriend 2) suggested I go along with him and his mom to a furry meet, I rejected the offer however he insisted and finally I accepted, I went to it and found myself surrounded by furries, I don’t know what happened because I fainted a they’d gathered around me, (it was like some kind of overload of the love that I hadn’t had for the past 2 years.) I began falling into the furry world and thought these guys were adorable and I decided to join, I got myself a basic suit as I couldn’t afford a fursuit and began trying to fit in. Another year later (being last year) I bumped into (bestfriend 2) at a meet and while we were all in fursuits they talked about me moving into their house the reason being was that I was beginning to fall behind on the new rental charges and the “bedroom tax” as its being dubbed here in the UK, I had no other choice and as the council were wanting the house back to put a new tenant in I had it hanging over me for ages before I agreed. I got my things and moved in, (bestfriend2)’s place was bigger than my family’s home and while it was different I felt settled in and I knew I could rely on them. Both (bestfriend 2) and his mom were happy to have me move in with them and are both in the furry community too. (Bestfriend 2’s) dad had never been on the scene and wasn’t a caring dad he wanted to do his own thing and that’s what he did, he had nothing to do with (bestfriend 2) or his ex partner (bestfriend 2’s) mom. Anyway this brings me to 4 months ago I’ve been here for a while now and at furmeets I’m seeing (bestfriend 2’s) mom in a new light, she’s more beautiful and sexy. (I honestly can’t believe I’m saying this about my bestfriend’s mom) (bestfriend 2’s) mom is in her early 40’s and I’m in my mid 20’s, it’s just she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever felt passion for, I had a few relationships at school when I was 16 but they never got anywhere. I’ve been having sexual feelings for her and she’s been feeling the same about me. To seal our love we went to a furry convention and booked ourselves adjoining bedrooms at a hotel nearby. However at the con nearby while travelling between floors the lift suddenly stopped the lift had broken down and I and she were stuck in it. With no sign of help nearby and no-one picking up the emergency phone we could only sit it out. Soon enough though we began talking seriously about our love for each other and began nose booping and touch each other’s fur and soon enough we were both in heat as our species joined together as we made love inside the broken lift. We had both climaxed several times while waiting and finally help was here. We were both hot and sweaty, the lift smelling of our love making. We sensibly took the stairs and decided to go to our hotel room. Where (bestfriend 2) had been waiting asking us where we were, we told him the lift had broke and after a long day we got some sleep, in the early hours though I sneaked out of my bed and went into the adjoining room where (bestfriend 2’s) mom was sleeping and I gently woke her up and asked if she really did love me, to which she replied yes. That was all I needed to hear and we began love making in our fursuits again, a lioness making love with a younger male fox, we even began making our animal noises trying to cover up the squeaking from the bed springs her low growling and me just whimpering. So its now the present day, me and (bestfriend 2’s) mom are in a secret satisfying sexual relationship and that is how we like it, though I am feeling really guilty each time after I’ve made out with my lioness lover because it’s her son and my bestfriend. I love the sex but the fact I’m having sex with my bestfriend’s mom. What should I do? I don’t want to break off the relationship but I don’t want to lose my bestfriend either. Question Mark * * * Dear Question Mark, Very sad about losing your parents and all you went through :-( As for your current situation.... Putting this into perspective a bit, there is nothing morally wrong, objectively speaking, with your falling in love with an older woman, or vice versa. You are both of legal age, and although there is a definite sexual component here, it sounds as if there might be more to it than sex and you genuinely have feelings for her, yes? So that’s good. Now, I am a bit concerned about your descriptions here as it sounds as if you might be having unprotected sex (I doubt you had several condoms on you when you yiffed in the elevator, for example). You both need to be responsible here, and I would caution you to be thus. I mean, the last thing you would want would be a baby, correct? Talk about complicating matters! So, the only overt factor in question is her son. It’s difficult for me to gauge this because I have no idea what kind of person he is. I’m surmising, though, that he is not a conservative Christian and, seeing that his mom is a furry, too, he is probably fairly liberal-minded. The main problem might be his feeling that “this is so weird ... is my best friend now my father?” or some such. You also need to evaluate the value of your relationships here. If you love this woman deeply and it would crush your soul if you split up, that would probably outweigh the importance of your relationship with your friend—although that would still be part of the scenario; it would be a matter of that relationship drastically changing. If, on the other paw, this is just infatuation and hot sex (do not mistake hot sex for love, even if she says “I love you” it might mean “I love sex with you”) then your friendship with her son might be more important. One way you might determine this has to do with your fursuits. Your letter sounds as if when you have sex it has been in your fursuits. Could it be that you’re in love with each other’s fursonas (you talk about her being your “lioness lover”)? This is not beyond the scope of possibility, and one way you could figure this out is to have sex without the fursuits on. Have you done this? If not, that is quite telling! And in that case, I would say that you should definitely reevaluate what you are doing here. (In fact, that is kind of this bear’s sense of this that it is a furry fantasy you’re in love with, but I could be wrong). You also don’t say what the lioness feels about this. Is she fine with telling her son? Is she fearful? Why or why not? That’s important information. It’s not just your responsibility to eventually tell your friend but hers as well. All of that is not a conclusive answer to your question, but the above items are all things to consider and weigh before you make your final decision. Please write again if you have more information or questions.... And good luck! Papabear Heya, Papa!
It's Genesis. I think I may have sent you a letter before (scratch that, I know I sent you one, I just don't know what email or alias I may have used) and your response helped a lot. I'm glad to see you're still happy and healthy. I come to you today with a bit of a vague question, but a question nonetheless. It deals with confidence, surprise, surprise. A furry? Not confident? Nonsense. This one's a little different though, I swear. School season's in. I'm in all honors classes, passing them, but lately, school has been causing me a lot of trouble. All of my friends appear to be getting straight A's, are going into IB (an even more rigorous course than honors), and it has begun to hurt my confidence. I'm in honors, yes, but I'm an A-B student (a lot more BS than I want), and I often slip up on tests. So, I'm torn. I really don't like school. I hate the factory-line mentality, hate how I'm a sheep in a herd and I have to go through my day not questioning anything, but, on the other side of things, I feel like trying and devoting more time to school and getting those A's, therefore keeping up with my friends, would make me happier in the long run and improve my confidence. Now, before you say that old “don't compare yourself to others” line, hear me out. I kinda have to compare myself. The education system is extremely competitive, I need to keep up with my peers or one little furry isn't getting into college. I've always had confidence issues. I feel a constant need to prove myself. Lately, I hate when people call me smart, because I don't do anything smart, so I can't really agree with them on that. My intellect used to be the one thing I prided myself on. My appearance isn't that great, and indulging in hobbies that people often look down upon doesn't help. The one positive trait I assigned to myself was that I'm intelligent, so I cannot loose that trait. It may not seem like much, to doubt your intellect, but when it's all you have... I know I would be without doubt if I did better in school. It would be an easy way to show I was, indeed, smart, but I just really don't want to put in the effort to something I see as minuscule in the grand scheme of things. I see it as wasted effort. Call me lazy, but... Plus, if I did bump that up, would I really feel smart, or would I just find another thing to doubt myself on? (I might say something like, “I'm still only in Honors, if only I took IB like everyone else...”) So, my question is, how do I regain confidence? Should I try harder in school? Is there something else I should do? Or should I just look for another positive trait to latch onto, since I don't feel smart anymore? Accepting the fact I'm not a bright bulb could help, if I can move on from that. Thanks for reading my mess. Your raven, Genesis (age 15) * * * Dear Genesis, If I understand what you’re saying, you are not enjoying school because it is a machine for pumping out drones to enter the worker world. This is actually a brilliant observation and shows that you are actually smarter than your peers who are striving to do whatever they are told to make good grades, get into college, get a degree, and get some job as an attorney or accountant or doctor or some such thing. Because you don’t enjoy the process, it makes it difficult for you to study (this isn’t being lazy, this is an intellectual conflict within you), and because you find it hard to study for an exercise in what you feel is futility, you don’t do a stellar job on tests. Understandable. When Papabear was in college, he learned how to study for tests and get A’s and to write papers that also got A’s. You know what I remember from all that? Not very much. A teacher once told a class I was in that if, on her death bed, her students came up to her and could recite the basic principles of Existentialism, she would die content. Well, she probably won’t die content because of me. Our formal education system, whether public or private, is designed to make us good American capitalist consumers—cogs in a huge wheel. History courses are the best examples of this. The text books are so full of half truths and downright lies that it is downright criminal (some states are worse than others, with Texas, for example, rewriting texts to say that slavery was not a reason for the Civil War and to include stuff from the Bible as if it were fact in science courses). So, when you say you don’t feel “smart” because some of your peers make better grades, you need to realize that this is just one category of “smart.” You are measuring yourself based on a ruler designed to make you a materialistic conformist. Let’s back up a bit and redefine “smart.” There are three facets of the intellect:
The facet of intellect that is encouraged at schools is mostly knowledge (although problem-solving is sometimes also part of the lesson plan). I don’t believe I have ever heard an example coming from schools in which teachers tried to explain wisdom to their students, however. And they certainly don't teach young people to question authority or the American way of life. You might get a bit of a self-esteem boost by recognizing that you have the wisdom to question how you are being educated rather than just going through the numbers to get the paper to get the job to make the money to pay the taxes and go into debt and become another wage slave. I would suggest that you take a step back and reevaluate your goals in life. Perhaps you need to simply change your course of study to something you will enjoy more (my sister switched from business to biology and was much happier, for example). Perhaps you need to think much farther ahead and decide what you would like to do in life, realizing that if you are doing something you love you will never work a day in your life. And remember: money isn’t everything. Did I avoid the “don’t compare yourself to others” cliché well enough for you? ;-) The other thing you need to do is work on that self-esteem of yours. Why exactly are you so hard on yourself? Sounds like you are beating yourself up for qualities about yourself because they don’t fit the “norm.” Perhaps you are not “conventionally pretty” and perhaps your hobbies are likewise unconventional. This doesn’t make you inferior; it makes you unique. I’ve always found unique people a lot more interesting than the human drones who otherwise flood our population. Celebrate your individuality; don’t chastise yourself for it. One more thing: you might also set yourself apart by practicing something rare in our world: kindness. There are many intelligent and knowledgeable and successful people in this world, but there are not very many kind ones. Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papa Bear! I have emailed you in the past (under a different e-mail address), so I have decided to ask for your help with a dilemma that I am now facing. Recently, I moved off to college (wa-hoo). I now attend a university located in a large city and am hoping to start dating soon. However, there are a few issues. First, I'm gay, but I only realized it last November. Before then, when I thought I was straight, I had never once dated any girls or had the interest to do so, which I guess should have been a big sign that I was gay. Anyhow, due to my senior year of high school being almost halfway over, I decided that I wasn't going to date anyone, since I knew that I would be leaving soon, even though there wasn't anyone I was interested in during the rest of the year anyways. These events have resulted in me not having any experience with dating or knowledge about what to expect. Second, because of my new environment, I don't know where to look for possible dates. I have considered two different possible venues (both of which have flaws, but I'll get to those in a moment): Grindr and my school's LGBT club. I read an article some time ago, which was about the influences that Grindr has had on the gay community. The article (where I am unable to recall was located) also had an anecdote about someone meeting their husband through the app, which made me somewhat open to the idea of using it. Of course, there are some serious problems with this option. Obviously, Grindr is mostly used for trading pictures of penises and for meeting up to engage in casual sex, two things that do NOT interest me. Also, another item that puts a giant hole in this idea is the anecdote portion of the article, about the man finding his husband through the help of the app. As my Psychology textbook has pointed out several times, anecdotes are not the equivalent of evidence. Attending the LGBT club seems like the most beneficial choice of the two options. I would be around other gay people and would be able to have a support network of other students that could sympathize with me. However, there are two issues that I have with this option. First, I don't consider myself an activist in any sort of way, so joining a club about equal rights for the sole purpose of finding a boyfriend seems rather backwards to me. Second, I'm afraid that, if I go to one meeting and don't like the club, I'll be pestered by the members for the rest of the year. This is a very big concern of mine because it has already happened with other clubs that I've inspected, resulting in awkward encounters on the street, where I've been forced to explain why I didn't join the club. Understandably, I would like to keep these occurrences to a minimum, which is why it's one of the reasons this option seems rather terrifying. Due to my lack of dating experience, I am unable to come up with anymore possible ways to begin. I also cannot pick between the two options that I have given you. What is a good place to start dating? Thanks for everything! Anonymous (New York) * * * Dear Furiend, I understand your trepidation about websites and also joining an LGBT club at school. Just to add to the mix, you didn’t mention going to gay bars. You’re in New York City, which has a vibrant gay population (I’m sure you’ve heard of Greenwich Village by now), but that can also be risky. I don’t want to sound overdramatic, but there have been cases of gay people being beaten up or even murdered if they get lured in by the wrong people. Given your inexperience, you are wise to be cautious. Two options I’d suggest for you are finding a social club in your area (not an activist club, but a social club) and also there are a couple sites you can check out that aren’t about hook ups (note: while sites like Gay.com and Grindr often are filled with guys trolling for sex, it is possible to find genuine relationships in them. Check out people’s profiles and see if they are seeking an LTR (long-term relationship), and that’s a pretty good clue). Also, if their profile has lots of G-rated picks and no lessons in anatomy for a sex education class, you’re probably safer with them, too. Anyway, try checking out New York area LGBT meetups at http://lgbtfriends.meetup.com/cities/us/ny/new_york/ for a list of social groups. Fortunately (again, because you’re in The Big Apple) there is a lovely thing called the subway system that can make travel so much easier for you than people like me who are stuck in the desert or some boondock town). Second, there are a couple of dating sites that actually are about matching couples and not seeing whose penis is bigger. Try OKCupid, which is a free site that allows LGBT people to be listed. A lot of people don’t know, too, that Match.com includes thousands of LGBT, too. Finally, there is Craigslist. This isn’t my first choice, but actually, if you go to the Men Seeking Men (vs. Casual Encounters) page and search on LTR, you might locate some people (you’ll have to still sift through a lot of crap, though, so use this option only if the others aren’t working.) Another site that was just brought to my attention is quite interesting: Karma: The Game of Destiny. This one is still in the testing stage, but it has a unique premise: it is both a game and a dating site. According to the website: In the game users begin their journey by selecting an avatar that best expresses their personality. Next the Karma Guru (the Game's Artificial Intelligence) presents three different paths. Users choose values, compatibility or intimate preferences as their primary interest. From this point players may opt to enter directly into game with their avatars or they can fill out their Journey Book to narrow their search to other players most likely to be a soulmate. In the JourneyBook daters can customize over 350 different characteristics regarding their dating preferences and interests. The game always challenges you to define who you are, to know yourself and to be as honest as you can be! There’s a small fee for playing. You can sign up now, but, again, I think it is in beta testing right now. Cool idea, though.
Perhaps some of these options will help you. Good luck! And don’t forget, you’re in school to study ;-) Congrats on making it to college! Hugs, Papabear Hi, Papabear.
I've been a lurker on this website for a year, circa. I've never written you, my issues have just seemed too insignificant, but now, I really need an ear. This isn't furry related, I'm sorry about that, but... If you decide to post this on your website, I'm going to say this to readers- please don't read if you're contemplating suicide, or you're simply sensitive to the topic. This letter's going to be a little hard for me to write, and a little hard for you to read, so I am just going to dump it on everyone from the beginning. On the night before this letter was written, my friend's father committed suicide. Now that you know the gist, I'm going to go into detail, trying to be as unemotional about it as possible. Only the facts. This friend and I are very close. We're also neighbors, she lives right across from me, so I often hang out at her house. We've been through a lot together. I brought her into the fandom (she's a sassy Siamese), we've shared classes and done work together.. Let's call this friend Carly, I guess. Yesterday started out normal. It was Sunday, so I shot her a text in the morning, just a simple greeting and a joke. Got up, worked on some homework I procrastinated on, groaned because I'm pretty sure I missed half the math problems, drew and listened to music, cooked some, it was all normal, right? Everything was going alright. Until I saw the cop cars. My father came into my room and told me there were cop cars, four of them, located in Carly's driveway. I'll be the first to admit I don't have the best attitude when it comes to cops. My first thought was, 'Someone's getting arrested, maybe there was a mistake, maybe they're key witnesses to something, maybe they're bored and hauled a bunch of cops over here for some petty reason, they're gonna take someone away...' Even with some of the things I thought of, my parents said I was exaggerating. The things I thought of didn't even touch what really happened. There was no ambulance, so I assumed nobody got hurt. So, after some pacing and worrying, I calmed down and drew some more. My phone buzzed. I knew that notification sound, it was the messenger I only used with Carly. I opened that messenger up, and my heart stopped. "Syntax, my dad committed suicide." (She didn't actually use Syntax, but you know.) Five simple words. I knew her father. He'd laugh whenever I accidentally passed out overnight at their house. I'd help him prepare meals. I liked him. If I had to choose a second father out of fathers I knew, it would be him. So, those five words left me a crying mess for the night. My parents tried to cheer me up, but I wouldn't take it, I just curled up and drew, wrote, anything to escape. I couldn't do anymore schoolwork. Now, to the day I'm writing this letter. I slept horribly. I did text Carly that my family and I are here for her, always and forever, that our door is never closed to her. She's clammed up, understandably. In the phases of grief, she's probably still numb. I skipped school today. I do feel guilty about skipping school because someone else's father committed suicide, as if I was just using it as an excuse. I've been crying most of the morning, it took a lot to get up and do something. Eating and drinking made me feel like I was going to puke. I just feel terrible, over someone else's father! I really am angry at everything at this moment. Carly's father, especially. Damn him for leaving three children behind. I'm not even going to apologize for my language, that man deserves more harsher words than the English language has. Carly's mother left him, and Carly hates her mother, so in a way, she has no parents. Damn that man, how dare he call himself a father? Damn school, I'm going to have to return to it tomorrow, and I still must work, even in the face of all of this. Can't time just stop for a second and let me breathe? I've tried extending a hand to Carly. She's clammed up, but I extended it anyway. I just really wish I could hug and support her, but I don't think she'll let me, and that stings. Even as I write this, time's blurred, the colors of my room seem a little darker. My head's cloudy. I did nothing but lie in bed for fourteen hours, probably slept some of that, so I think that cloudy head is from mourning and oversleeping. My question is, where do I go from here? How do I live on when something like this is facing me? I hurt for my friend, hell, I hurt for myself. It's terrible. The world's terrible, and it's hard to comprehend how it's still spinning. Since Carly only had her father, she's probably going away. Close family may be able to come over and look after everyone, but chances are she's going to go to a completely new environment, with new parental figures, and I'm extremely worried for her. She's not the most mentally stable, and has considered suicide many times. Will this be the last straw? Please, help. Say anything, anything at all, I need to hear something. Your raven in mourning, Syntax (age 15) * * * Dear Syntax, My sympathies to you and to “Carly” and her family. I understand completely what you are feeling. When I attempted my suicide, my mother was very angry at me for a long time. I didn’t understand at first, but I do now. To the survivors, it feels as if the person doesn’t give a damn about his or her loved ones. It seems like a slap in the face. As you noted, Carly’s dad leaves a family behind and has taken away so much from them. But please note this. Depression (and the suicides that sometimes result as a consequence) is an illness. When people are severely depressed, they don’t think rationally. The days before I tried it (actually, I tried twice), it was like I was a zombie, living in a hazy dream. I didn’t do my school work, I didn’t talk to people, it was truly bizarre. I was legitimately out of my mind at that time. I’m not sure what led to Carly’s father’s suicide, but I’m sure the decision didn’t come on a whim; he must have been struggling for some period of time. It’s very sad no one noticed and he didn’t get help, but that’s academic now. Some people are very good at hiding it (I was, too, and it completely took my family by surprise), so, please, no pointing fingers as to who is to blame for missing the signals. Also, don’t feel weird that you are in shock and it is affecting your life. As you said, you are close to Carly and you liked her father, so it is logical to be in mourning, too. Just because it wasn’t your father doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt (you said he was like a second father, so, yes, that’s painful). Moving on..... Don’t just assume that Carly will rebuff any gesture on your part. I would, if I were you, begin with a nice gesture, such as sending her a thoughtful card (actually, buy one and drop it in the mailbox to expedite it, or just writer her a letter—and don’t send an ecard, send a real card or letter), and in the card write your heartfelt sympathies and emphasize that you are there for her to talk to. Ask her to email you or call you or text you when it is okay to come over and give her a hug and shoulder to cry on. Something that concerns me deeply here is you mention Carly has also thought of suicide (this could be an indication of a genetic predisposition in the family). She needs some counseling. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255 and talk to one of their counselors, both for you and for Carly, and ask them for advice on how to proceed in this situation. They are there to help. Life at these times can, indeed, seem dark. The most effective weapons against the darkness are love and kindness. If you wield them, you can survive this and most any other challenge. Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papa (again), Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I contacted the hotline, and the hotline told me to contact the school. The school has much more authoritative power than me, so I am sure they can handle making sure Carly gets proper counseling and assistance. I am uncomfortable leaving the health of my friends in hands I cannot see or control. Tomorrow morning, I will speak to them about Carly's thoughts and actions, and what's going on, so at least I have power over that. I will most likely request to know what they are going to do from here. You have a point about my unrelenting anger towards the father. What's gone is gone. I can point fingers all I want, I can point it at myself, but he's still dead. Somehow, I have managed to gather the energy to get out my schoolwork. Actually working on it is a whole other story, but I'm sure I can get it done. Thank you again, Syntax * * * Hi, Syntax, When it comes to something like this, I try to reply ASAP. A combination of help from school counselors and also your support for your friend is a good strategy. Did the online hotline do nothing other than refer you to the school counselor? That sounds a little disappointing. I might have to look into that and see if there aren't better hotlines out there. I know it's hard to concentrate. I'm trying to do some work here myself, knowing that my dear friend's mother is suffering a brain hemorrhage and I can do nothing about it. I'd go see him, but I have a cold and am fearful of making him sick and making matters worse. This is life, though. I could get all philosophical on you as to my beliefs as to why this goes on, but it wouldn't console you much. I hope you will be somewhat comforted by the fact that people do care about you and what you're going through. Hugs, pbear Dear Papabear,
So I have been a furry for a while but I haven't told my parents! The reason is because when I was first learning about the furry community I clicked on a website without knowing what it was and it was a 18+ website with all kinds of unholy horrors. And unluckily for me my mom was standing right behind me! Now because of my mistake that's what they think of the furry community! So how do I tell them that I'm into furry stuff but I'm not into all of that adult stuff? Anonymous (age 15) * * * Dear Young Furiend, Papabear realizes there are many furries like you who are under 18 and wish to do fun furry stuff without the X-rated and other adult things in the fandom. I would like to say that the furry fandom is a sweet, childlike, and innocent hobby for the entire family. The truth is, it isn’t. You see, young one, the furry fandom began when some artists and writers (back around 1980 or so), who enjoyed the cartoons and comics made for children, decided that they wanted to create some art and stories with animal-like characters but that these would have more adult themes (Omaha the Cat Dancer is the best early example of this). Some themes dealt with violence, some with sex and sexuality, and they often had very adult language, gay themes, and drug references and criminal behavior. The best stories have also dealt with serious themes, including war, racism, slavery, and more. Over time, this idea grew and grew and became more and more diverse. Some very good writing that is nonsexual has come out of it (check out the story collection Furry! edited by Fred Patten, for example); some graphic tales that have violence and adult themes, but don’t emphasize sex, have also come out that are great (I was introduced recently to the Blacksad tales by Juan Díaz Canales and Juanjo Guarnido about a detective in a furry world that has a lot of violence, but the stories are very well written and illustrated), and even some first attempts at movies (Bitter Lake in 2013) have been made. But, really, much of the stuff in the furry world is for adults and there is a lot of graphically sexual material. You simply can’t avoid it. Even people who are not interested in it, like you, will still stumble upon it (you can hit the SFW button on FurAffinity, but not all sites have this feature). On the other side, there are Christian furs and cartoony furs and fursuiters who do charity work and raise money for animals and all kinds of nice things. Going to furcons can be a blast! But, again, it’s all about the company you keep. A couple things you can do, hon. For one thing, you can still enjoy a lot of the movies and cartoons that furries enjoy featuring talking animals and produced by such companies as Disney and Pixar etc. I’m sure your parents won’t object to G-rated cartoons made for the general public. As for the other, you can tell your parents you like some of the creative furry things that some people are doing out there, but you realize that there is adult stuff to avoid and you understand they don’t want you to look at it and neither do you! Therefore, encourage them to monitor your Internet use. Welcome them to check out furry communities that are safe and to help you to avoid those that are not. Here are a couple sites Papabear can recommend:
That’s enough to get you started. You can also subscribe to clean furry art pages on Tumblr and join discussion groups on Facebook or other social sites. The key is to allow—even encourage—your parents to be involved so they don’t think you’re doing anything they would not approve of. The modern furry fandom really is for adults, and you should therefore tread lightly, but it can be made fun for young furs if you surf carefully. Good luck and hope you have fun! Papabear Dear Papabear,
It feels like I keep coming back to you for more advice. Most others I talk to mean well, but often feel like they're encouraging impulsive decisions or furthering the dilemma unintentionally. I also wanted to apologize for not getting back to you after the last letter, but rest assured that it's been saved for whenever I need a confidence boost. I've recently been offered a room to rent with a stranger. Michael, a friend of mine who's a regular at my job, talked to his friend, Tyree, and managed to convince him to let me room there for considerably cheaper than my parents' house. It's also half the walking distance to the job. And the room will be healthier, both physically and mentally, and even offer more privacy than I have now (which honestly isn't much when your room is a converted side room with 5 windows, and 2 more on the one door in, which doesn't lock). I'm also assured that Tyree is very nice (obviously if he's offering me, and only me, the room for so cheap) and that he visits a girlfriend fairly often, leaving me with the house to myself. Now I know what you're thinking. 'Well, that sounds absolutely perfect. Why NOT take it right now?' Because I care too much about everyone else and not myself. As of right now my stepfather has the only other income, and from what I've been told, it's not enough to support the house, bills, and food. My mother's waiting on my first younger sister to have her baby before getting a job. The problem is that even after she gets a job, it may not still be enough to support this house, and there's no guarantee she'll be able to keep it, since her people skills are non-existent. I don't want to leave my mother and second younger sister (who lives with us) without any options or place to go, etc. But I'm also turning 26 this month and feel like it's long past time for me to go and live my own life, and face my own challenges. Unfortunately, she seems to not register that I want or plan to move despite repeated attempts to discuss it. And I'm afraid to bring it up and risk anyone doing something to underhandedly keep me home. That is perhaps a pointless fear, but remains one nonetheless. It's getting time to make up my mind, very soon. And my mind is leaning toward just moving out and hoping that everything works out alright for them. But I want to do it without making them feel like I'm giving up or abandoning them. That explains the wait for another source of income in this house, as painful as the wait is. I feel like Tyree will give up and offer the room to somebody else as well if I don't take it very soon, probably within the next two or three weeks, since it was offered a month ago now. What happens then? I won't have any choice but to stay home. What should I do? Is this something that most others feel when they move? Is everyone forced to deal with angry parents when they move out? Apologies again for the mountain of text, and thank you for taking the time to listen yet again. Vince * * * Hi, Vince, While it is noble that you wish to help your family, I agree with you that at 25 it is time for you to get out of the house (past time, really). What you are doing is feeling like you have to carry the weight of all your family members and their bad decisions. I don't get why your mom has to wait until your sister has a baby in order to get a job, and I strongly suspect it is just an excuse to postpone job hunting. Also, I'm betting your sister made a bad decision and is now a single mom (where is the father? [and if he died, I apologize for this remark]). Your family needs to make better decisions. If they can't afford where they are living, then maybe they should move. Also, just because you are moving out doesn't mean you are abandoning them. You can still be part of the family and be as supportive as possible. You can visit them, even help with chores and errands for your pregnant sister, if you wish. You have a right to your own life. That doesn't make you a bad person and you should NOT feel guilty about it. Be supportive and loving of your own family, but move out and pursue your own life. Hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear, How do I correctly explain to my parents about different genders and sexualities? And how guys don’t look bad in femme clothing? Why I'm asking this is because ever since I came out as both a furry and gender-neutral, I've been the joke of the whole family. I tried to explain other things as such and.... Well, I think you can guess what happened. Not good. Any advice? Sincerely, Echo (age 18, Ohio) * * * Dear Echo, Very good question! Clothing is a cultural construct. What is acceptable in one culture, is frowned upon in another. You’re from the American Midwest, a very conservative area of the country that tends to shun men who aren’t walking around looking like lumberjacks or football players. If you lived in, say, New York or San Francisco, you might be able to express yourself a bit more freely. Other cultures throughout history have had no problem with a man wearing what would be considered, in your area and time, rather girly. For example, wearing a sarong in Sri Lanka looks fine. Wearing a kilt in Scotland? Perfectly acceptable (and, actually, I see a lot of American men wearing them and they are popular among a lot of furries). In the nineteenth century, Albanian men were considered very swanky in a skirt. Modern-day European society is a lot more relaxed when it comes to men’s dress as well. They kinda invented the entire metrosexual look, I believe, of men being allowed to be more feminine in their attire. You might say to your family, “Why’s it okay for a woman to dress in jeans and a flannel shirt, but it’s not okay for me to dress more pretty? Not too long ago, it was considered scandalous for a woman to wear pants—absolutely shocking. Yet, now it’s okay. Why can’t the reverse be true?” For centuries, women were basically imprisoned by socially enforced dress codes. They were made to wear, for example, extremely tight corsets that would cause them to faint and were actually quite damaging to their internal organs over time. In the same way, men are imprisoned by boring clothes, too. How did they get so boring? If you ever watch a meeting of Congress or a corporate board, they all have the uniform: blue or grey or black suit, dress shirt and shoes, tie. It’s designed to make people conform. Now, you take a company like Google or these other companies and look how they dress and are allowed to wear their hair. Some companies have become savvy to the fact that allowing people to be themselves inspires creativity and productivity. Tell your family, hey, I’m a creative and liberated person who is not a slave to a boring Midwest culture. I’m just expressing my freedom as an American! (grins) It’s not just dress that restricts men in our society. Although we’ve loosened up a bit in our culture, many men (heterosexual men, I may add) still feel very restricted in how they can express themselves because they are repeatedly told it isn’t macho enough. This Huffington Post article nicely sums up what men would like to do if they felt free to (the saddest one is that many feel they are looked down upon if they play with and show close affection to their children). In summation, your family is unwittingly being a slave to culture. They are not only restricting you, but they are restricting themselves. When people are uncomfortable with something that is not the norm, making fun of it is a typical reaction. So, another thing you can say: “I realize you are making fun of me because I make you uncomfortable and you want me to be just like you, but I’m not going to let it bother me because I’d rather be me than something I’m not and live a lie. I am who I am. Oh, and just because someone dresses like a masculine, conservative man, doesn’t mean they are one.” (I always like this link). Clothing can be a form of expression, but also of deception. It is very shallow, indeed, to judge someone by their appearance alone. Tell your family they might try to not judge that ol’ book by its cover (cliché though that is). You would actually be less of a man if you allowed others to influence how you look. Hope that helps. Proud of you for being you! Hugs, Papabear P.S. Note to furries: wearing your tail or ears in public because you like to? Pawsome. |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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