Papabear,
We talked a long time ago. Since then I've become very “spiritual,” though I would just call it the search for awakening. Already my commitment to it is manifesting in small ways, and it will snowball soon. I read some of your spiritual beliefs. I agree and disagree in different ways, but those aren't important. I just wondered if you are still searching or not. I think that you and I are on the right track, but I was curious if you believed in something like 'awakening', or what your beliefs involved. Where did you learn your beliefs? Was it a big mix of unremembered sources? Or did you follow particular religions and spiritualities? Any specific teachers? I hope you don't mind the multiple questions :) Be as concise or drawn-out as you'd like. --James * * * Hi, James, I’m a firm believer that there are many paths to the truth, not just one, and that people who assert that “my way (or the way I follow) is the only right way and all others who don’t follow my way are doomed” are either experiencing the height of hubris or the height of self-delusion. When one contemplates what the very nature of God or the “Ultimate Truth” might be, one should be humbled, because there is no way our tiny, severely limited intellects and perspectives can every fully comprehend something so infinitely expansive, so mind-bogglingly (if that’s a word LOL) powerful. Therefore, all we can hope to do, at best, is get closer to the truth, as close as we can get in this short life we are given. So, to answer your question, I am still contemplating what is out there. To give you a Reader’s Digest version of my journey (and here’s hoping I don’t offend anyone): I was raised by a Southern Baptist father and an agnostic mother. This, in itself, was an interesting start. My father was very religious (though not above being an ass), brought up that way to religious parents in Texas. When I was young, he made the family attend a Baptist church and I went to Sunday school for a while. Even at that tender age, I had a sense that it was all crap. My mother had enough of it when, one Sunday, the minister stood up in front of his congregation, and in all earnestness said, “Jesus wants our church to have a new red rug.” Jesus, my mom later asserted, doesn’t give a crap about floor coverings. She eventually convinced my father not to force us to go if we didn’t want to. Mostly, I didn’t want to, but sometimes I felt sorry for my dad so I went with him. My sister did not (she’s a scientist and an atheist these days). Anyway, fast forward a bit through my parents’ divorce and my going off to college, and I came back to Christianity briefly when I went to college and met my future wife. I read the Bible cover to cover a couple times, and even though I saw a lot of flaws in it, I saw enough good to try to follow it. The college was affiliated with the Methodist church and there was a very nice minister there who was open-minded and wore a Winnie-the-Pooh stole. Gotta love it. I joined the church’s mime troupe, of all things, and we did little skits with a Christian message. I enjoyed it. After college, I got involved with work and building a life and didn’t get too into religion. I worked at a publishing house and met a couple very good Christians there who are still my friends. They embody the true spirit of what Christianity is supposed to be, including, when I eventually came out of the closet, of remaining my friends and being supportive and nonjudgmental. They were Presbyterians. Generally, I have found people belonging to such denominations as the Presbyterians, Episcopalians, and the Congregationalists more pleasant to be around than Baptists and Catholics (except for the lapsed Catholics, who are a hoot LOL). Interestingly, my personal experiences were a lot different from what I kept seeing in the media: a lot of hate coming from “Christians” who were constantly doing what Jesus said not to do: judging people you don’t agree with and also a lot of coveting money, building huge edifices to themselves costing millions of dollars that would have been better spent on, oh, I don’t know, helping the poor? Some of these people—Pat Robertson is a mucho bueno example—are out and out batshit nuts. I started getting really turned off Christianity again. There seemed to be a lot more hate and greed coming out of it than love and kindness. I started looking into other religions, from Judaism and Islam to Jainism, Buddhism, Wicca, and shamanism. About the time I was getting to identify more with my furry side, I was also identifying more with Wicca and shamanism (but also Buddhism). I read Buckland’s Complete Book of Witchcraft (I actually am acquainted with Raymond Buckland personally through my work with my publishing company), but while I liked a lot of stuff about Wicca, especially the credo of leaving people alone as long as they aren’t hurting anyone, I couldn’t really get into all the magic stuff. What kinda killed Wicca for me was when I talked to Buckland once and asked if he’d like to write another book on Wicca and he said no, he was tired of defending Wicca and felt it was rather pointless to keep trying. Interestingly, Wicca is one of the fastest-growing religions in America right now. Meanwhile, I doubled my efforts to get involved in Buddhism, and even joined a temple in Michigan. I tried meditating, but was a little disturbed by the reverence for Buddha and bowing to his golden image. I guess that just freaked me out a bit from my Christian upbringing. Why was I bowing to a golden statue? It just didn’t feel right. So, next was shamanism. Well, exploring Native American beliefs, there are lots of different kinds of shamanism. Of all the areas of spiritualism, this one has made the most sense to me. I found a teacher on Facebook who is a part-Indian teacher in Oklahoma. He taught me about the Medicine Wheel and the importance of Bear in my life. I really haven’t touched deeply enough into it, but I have found a couple places out in the desert where I still go to meditate in private now, trying to connect with the spirits that exist all around us. Yet, part of my problem both with Buddhism and native beliefs is cultural. I feel disconnected from both because these cultures still feel so foreign to me. I know I shouldn’t let that bother me, but it does. I still feel rather like an orphan who is trying to find adoptive parents but has not succeeded yet. I’ve been forming a lot of my own conclusions about the spiritual side of life, some of which is influenced by modern knowledge of science, especially physics. And that’s where I am now. I am still a questioner, a seeker of truth and will be until the day I die and, hopefully, long after that. Hmm, maybe that was longer than the Reader’s Digest. Hopefully, it wasn’t boring. Papabear
1 Comment
Dear Papa Bear,
I started making these journals that I call Soul Journals as a hobby at first. It is started to get expensive and I want to continue. I have just recently joined Furaffinity.net and started posting my journals up to adopt out. So far I haven't sold anything. I have plenty of people comment on how they wish they had one. In order to try to gain some support, I have posted up a free giveaway. Simple rules is that they must watch me, comment on a journal and post a journal about the give away on their page. Two weeks have passed and I have only had two hits. So far that is not much of a raffle and I will end up losing money with no support. Now I am trying to figure out other means to get support without sound pushy. Any ideas? Thanks with all my love, Ravensylvarii * * * Dear Ravensylvarii, Well, I can tell you that marketing to furries can be very difficult. For instance, I opened up a store of Ask Papabear items with a very nice drawing by my cubby Dan the Bear, and I have not sold anything. My site has gotten very popular, and I have spent hundreds of dollars on it. While I am not writing the advice column to get rich, it would be nice to sell a few things to cover my expenses. Anyway, I looked at your FA page and your journals are quite beautiful. I do notice, though, that only one of them has furries on it, the rest are all flowers and butterflies. Now, while these are very pretty, perhaps you might do better by creating journals with different furry species on them since that is who you are marketing to. You might also try getting a table at a furcon or two and selling your journals in the dealers’ den. I would also like to suggest, however, that you don’t restrict yourself to the furry market. I think your journals would have a very broad appeal to many people outside the fandom, especially women and young girls. If I were you, I would gather up a bunch of my journals and take them to local gift shops (not chains like Hallmark, but locally owned stores) and see if I could get some interest there. Also, book shops would probably sell journals like yours. Too, set up a website (you can get them very cheap now), print up some business cards, and go out and sell! Take your hobby seriously and I believe you can create a real business out of it. You are making a mistake by restricting yourself to the furry community. Your journals have mass market appeal and are quite beautiful. Good luck! Papabear Dear, Papa Bear.
I have been having this mental conundrum for quite some time and generally it began like half way into my 16 years of being a furry. I am not writing this to bash any one or to shame a group but I just want to have a bit more of an understanding of things as a whole. Now I am a part of several groups on my G+ and my interest is very wide I feel a connection to "most" things that exist in our community but the thing that confuses the hell out of me is the part in the baby fur community where some stuff likes okay but other things I've seen generally rustle my jimmies to the point of nose bleeds. Again, not bashing any one, I am apart of several abdl furry communities and some of my best friends are, too. However, a while back there was a set of pictures depicting humans, presumably baby furs, doing naughty things as children. Yes, I know they aren't real children. Yes, it’s just art. Yes it’s not real. But at what point do you draw the line in what is okay and what makes you feel like a pedophile just looking at it. I've had this debate several times and it just does not end with a proper answer. I like cute and cuddly art and I've even been known to wear padding once every other full moon, so I am not saying baby furs are bad. I just want to know where that stupid line is that shit should be called pedophilic or not! Please, Papa. . . Help! Random Background Pony * * * Hi, Random, That’s a very good question. To me, there are two kinds of babyfurs: the ones who just like to wear diapers and pretend they're infants and like innocent pictures of infant furries doing G-rated things, and then there are the ones who sexualize innocent children, and that, to my mind, is wrong. The reason it is wrong is that sex should be between two consenting people, and when one is a sexually immature child who doesn’t even understand what sex is and is at the mercy of the power of an adult, that child is not consenting, and taking advantage of that is rape, pure and simple. Displaying images of infants doing sexual things stimulates and encourages this lust for rape, and so that, too, is wrong. I looked up California code on child porn laws, and found this passage: Even though it may depict children engaged in sexually explicit activities, there are some types of "content" that are excluded from child pornography prosecutions. Possessing "pornographic" images of minors in drawings, figurines, statues or in films that have been rated by the Motion Picture Association of America are exempt from California child pornography laws. So, I’m not actually sure if illustrations of children or babyfurs would be against the law under that definition, but it seems that it isn't, at least in my home state. If it were, there would be a lot of furries being arrested right now. The law seems mostly concerned with photos and film of real children being exploited for sex, not in illustrations. I have no issue with someone who likes to wear a diaper, even if he or she is not incontinent. I think some people do that because they have a very strong desire to return to that innocent past that they have either lost or that was denied them in the first place, so they find diapers comforting. Also, many people just find drawings of little infants to be adorable; nothing wrong with that. There is, indeed, a charm about young life. If you have been reading my column for very long, you know Papabear is extremely tolerant of unconventional behavior. I have written on everything from zoophilia to polyamorous relationships and even incest. Being a gay man and knowing that most of society disapproves of my behavior, I feel I should be open-minded about other people’s behavior, too, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and that no one is getting hurt. But when someone exploits a child sexually, the psychological scars are impossible to recover from fully. Drawing pictures of such exploitation, therefore, in my mind, is actually worse than pornography—it’s disturbing. I would recommend that people who get off on this type of art seek some counseling, because there is definitely something not right with their heads. In today’s society, children are allowed precious little innocence as it is. Let’s please not expose them to the idea of sex until they have reached puberty. Childhood should be a time of innocence and wonder and discovery. They’ll learn about sex more than soon enough. Papabear Dear Papabear;
I would like to thank you for providing an advice column to the furry community. It's something that was desperately needed and I would like to thank you for taking time to do this for us. As a grey muzzle I would normally be giving advice, but I have found myself in a situation where I need some advice. I am in a relationship with someone a few years younger than I—I am in my mid 30s and he's in his late 20s. It's my first 'real' relationship because I was late coming out of the closet, and it is his third. We're both furries and that unfortunately is the only thing that we have in common. We have been dating for over a year and it has become apparent to me we are not compatible. When he comes over we sit playing on our computers in silence. When we travel he is not focused on the journey or the destination, just what's on his phone. I am very much a conversationalist and he is not. Last month I asked him if we should be friends instead of mates. In hindsight I should have just told him. Now he is bending over backwards to accommodate me. Asking things like "what do you want to do" and "when do you want me to come over?" He is a very sweet guy and that is why I am struggling with this. He has trouble expressing his needs and thoughts and it is clear he will ignore his needs to try to accommodate mine. It is becoming more obvious by the day that we are not compatible. It is becoming more like a parent / child relationship instead of a mateship. I do not think there is a future for us as a couple but am having trouble breaking it off. I am trying to figure out how to proceed from this point. Any advice you can offer will be appreciated. -Confused Furry * * * Dear Confused, I understand your hesitance; you are fretting that you will really hurt your current boyfriend, and you wouldn’t be worried about that if you didn’t care about him. But you and I both know that if you don’t feel he is your match then you cannot continue as mates forever. You don’t have to break it off, either, though. You said it yourself: you feel more like this is a father/son relationship than a boyfriend/boyfriend one. You don’t have to abandon him, just transition your relationship from the current paradigm to a new paradigm. He clearly likes being with you and wants to please you, so how about you tell him that you have been thinking about your relationship a lot. You care about him (true) and you don’t want to leave him (also true), but the difference in your ages may mean that a different type of relationship could work better. Then ask him if it would be all right if you were his daddy bear instead of his boyfriend. What would this mean? Well, it's somewhere between being mates and just being friends (something you already proposed). It would mean that the two of you could have a special relationship and do things together, and care and even love each other, but that both of you would be free to find your own mates who, hopefully, are closer to your ages and more compatible. Even though the two of you are not a match, you care about each other. You should never discard people from your life merely because they are not exactly what you want. You can be just like a little family because, you know, fathers and sons are often very different, but they still love each other. Hope that helps. Hugs! Papabear Hiya,
I need a little relationship advice... Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for a couple of weeks, but I just feel we need time away from each other. I know as my cat fursona, I can be independent. Her fursona is a wolf-dog and she can be very needy and sexual at times. I honestly wouldn't mind it (because I'm sometimes very dirty minded), but this is pretty much constantly and at the most inappropriate times. Basically, neck biting, boob grabbing, and butt grabbing are a daily thing from her; as for me, I'm all hugs. What makes it worse is that it's a public thing and I know how some people are easily triggered by this display of affection. I like her, but we still know so little about each other. Please help me, Papa Bear! Florance Sphynx * * * Dear Florance, Gosh, only a couple of weeks and you already need a break from her? Usually, new lovers can’t get enough of each other for at least the first year or two, or what is often called “the honeymoon period.” If you already are in need of a break, then that is a strong sign you might not be with the right person. You’ve already pointed out how your feline vs. canine personalities don’t mesh. But I won’t tell you that you should break it off just yet. You also say “we still know so little about each other.” So, first try to get to know your girlfriend better. She, clearly, needs to get to know you better, too. She doesn’t understand how you are uncomfortable with public displays of affection that involve more than hugging. You can start there, but you should also just talk about all other things not related to sex and see if you really do click as a couple or not. Sometimes people fall head over heals into a relationship before they know what they are getting into. A lot of this can start because there is some sexual spark between two people and they mistake that for love. As you said, you can get pretty dirty minded at times, and perhaps it was that period of lust that got her going, too, and caused her to think that you were on the same page sexually. So, now is the time to, as they say, slow things down. It might have started hot and heavy, but take the time to take things to a deeper level. I wouldn’t say “take a break,” meaning not see each other for a while, because that won’t help your relationship; just move at a slower pace. With luck, you will discover things about each other that you didn’t know and that you both really like, and you will both be better for it. But, if you find that you really have nothing much in common, then better to find out now rather than a year or two later when you have invested a lot more of your heart into it and the breakup is more painful. Bon Chance! Papabear Hi there, I need some more advice.
I started drawing after AC, but life got busy for me all summer and have finally started doing trades with people, though I am unsure if I am being too impatient with wanting to do art trades, as it took a few hours to get a few response, or if people still en masse are ignoring me. A part of me wants to do trades because not everyone has time to do commissions nor get art for free (I know because in the 7 years in the fandom no one has ever drawn me gift art besides my birthday, which makes me jealous because it seems everyone gets gift art except me no matter how nice or helpful I am to people), but it also seems no one wants to give me a chance, either. The fandom is the only social outlet I have and I feel I don't have anything. Local furs are busy and won't return texts; online furs just seem to ignore me. I want to write a vent journal on FA but I know I'll regret it or end up removing the journal or something. Hypr * * * Greetings, Hypr, I think your name is apt in this case. Thinking that “it took a few hours to get a few responses” is a long time is a bit spastic, is it not? Good for you for restraining yourself from writing a “vent” on FurAffinity. You’re right that that would cause people to see you more negatively and would do nothing to help you. So, yeah, don’t do it. You are getting overly concerned about getting comments and feedback and such from furries. It’s not just furries who do this sort of thing—ignoring people, not replying etc. Unfortunately, it’s become a very modern thing to ignore people, both in social contexts and in business. The thing you have to remember, though, is whose feedback are you really concerned about? Are you just talking about not getting feedback from mere acquaintances, random people online? Or are these people you consider to be your friends? The point here is to focus on what really matters: making friends, real friends is much more important that worrying about whether or not people will draw a picture of your fursona. I mean, really, who cares if some random artist you don’t even know doesn’t draw your picture, even on a trade? Draw your art because you enjoy drawing, not because you want to do trades or want some kind of validation for your work or, indeed, for your very existence. And don’t be nice to people because you want something in exchange. Be nice to people because you are a nice person and care about other people. Art should be created for art’s sake. In short, don’t seek out others’ opinions and feedback for validation and a sense of self-worth. That can only be truly found from within. If you love drawing, then draw. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Some of the greatest artists never got much validation until after their deaths. And if you want to make friends, do so in the real world. Cyberland is a place where there is too much insincerity, fraudulence, trolls, and shallowness to navigate in most cases. If you want friends, real friends, meet them in the real world. Use the Internet to stay in touch, sure, but having a real life means going out into the real world. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I've written you before but did not get an answer, so I'm writing again in hopes you can give me some advice. I have been in a relationship with my BF for over a year now. I’m happy, but I find myself wanting to have sex with other guys who are physically more my type. I love my bf, but I’m sometimes not attracted to him the way I should be. I fell in love with his personality and his brain. I have told him this a little but not in so many words. I've said, "We can get healthy and lose weight together" in hopes that I will become more physically attracted to him. It is to the point now that I’m constantly looking at other guys who are physically my type and I get aroused from them and becoming less aroused with my actual bf. What should I do, Papabear? Arkarian * * * Hi, Arkarian, Sorry I misplaced or forgot your earlier letter. It does happen on occasion. Sometimes silly ol’ bear thinks he’s replied when he has not. A reminder to my readers: if you haven’t heard back from me after 2 weeks, send me a nudge. I’m not ignoring you; I sometimes just get behind or disorganized. To the topic at paw: Well, this sucks indeed. So, you’re saying your mate is a bit on the hefty side and you are more attracted to leaner men. Was he heavy when you met him or did that come later? If so, you kinda knew what you were getting into, no? If he gained the weight later, I guess I can see how you were attracted to him at first and then got a little turned off if your preference is for lean guys. But, you say you “fell in love with his personality and brain,” which implies he was overweight to start with. I commend you for picking a mate based on deeper traits than one based on avoirdupois, but sexual attraction is still a key part of any loving relationship. Physical intimacy brings partners closer together, and when it is absent you kind of lose that closeness. So, if you’re having a hard time feeling attracted to your partner, that’s an issue. (Another thing: you don’t mention whether your mate finds you attractive. I’m going to have to assume he does and that’s not the problem.) Let’s be a little analytical and outline the options for you at this point:
One thing you should bear in mind in all of this is that physical attractiveness can be fleeting. Say, for example, you go with option 3. You find another guy whom you find to be very hot today, but tomorrow he could easily gain weight like your current partner and you’re back where you started. Also, 2 could happen, if your partner feels motivated, and you could be attracted to him again. In all of this, I am in no way dismissing your feelings about overweight men and attractiveness. We are turned on by what turns us on. I want to assure you that I in no way consider you shallow because of what you say in your letter. Next thing: does your mate know that you are having problems being attracted to him? If not, there will come a time, soon, where you will need to bite the bullet and say what you are really feeling. It could hurt him, yes, so you have to do it in a very sensitive way, assuring him that you love a lot of things about him and that you want him to be sexually satisfied and hope that he wants the same for you. When I have talked to partners who are in this situation, the ones where it works have sensitive men who are sympathetic to their husband’s needs. One fellow said to me, “You know, I just really like to cuddle and am not into sex so much, but my partner is and I want him to be happy.” This guy understands it’s not about love but rather about carnal urges we all have. American society makes it hard for us to discuss such things openly, burying us in guilt about religion and “socially acceptable” behavior. Papabear says to that, “I fart in your general direction.” Human beings are sexual creatures. There is no shame in being sexual, as long as you are considerate and loving toward others. I can’t choose your path for you, Arkarian, but I can present you with the choices and tell you that you should not feel guilty for your genuine emotions and needs. Next step is to decide what you want for you and then talk to your partner. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear.
I never really thought I needed to seek out advice, but after reading some of your letters out of curiosity, I can't help but feel like it's time I sent one of my own. Creativity seems to escape me. I've tried writing and drawing a fair bit, and despite the praise I've gotten for my work, I didn't really like the results. I'm bothered by the fact that I have to start with beginner work. I even took a short story down, which was never even finished because I simply disliked the result. Since then, I haven't been able to try anything else. Attempts at these pursuits are blocked by something and ended with frustration. It's honestly driven me to the point of depression. I did draw once, several years ago. I was more relaxed back then and was able to focus and spend time on it. Then I lost the drawing and was never able to get back into it. Now it seems as though I simply can't relax, and that working every day is the most important thing in my life. I'm afraid of giving myself a complication, but am unsure of how exactly I can relax. I've considered several options, from incense burning (which I've heard is an inexpensive form of aromatherapy) to Zen teachings. Is it possible that an inability to really relax is what's keeping me from sitting down long enough to practice? Could it possible be ADD? Or could it be frustration with myself for having to start from the beginning? I just want to know what this mental block is and how I can overcome it so that I can try doing the things that I want to. Vince * * * Dear Vince, I’m right there with you on this one. You see, I’ve drawn too, even took some art courses. But when my life started going into upheaval I put it aside and now I’ve never managed to get back to it. I, like you, am also very self-critical, and when I do take a moment to put a colored pencil to paper, I despise the results and throw it out. Also like you, I work a lot and it tends to dominate my life and keep me from things I enjoy. This happened not only with drawing but also with writing. However, with writing I just decided I didn’t really enjoy it any more, especially the business end of it. But I would like to get back to drawing. One strategy I am currently trying is to take piano lessons. You see, I’ve always wanted to play, but my parents weren’t really the type to push their kids into music, so I never took lessons as a kid. Ironically, my grandfather was a pianist, but he had a policy after failing to teach my mother never to teach family members. So, life went on and on, and, now at 48, I got myself a cheap Casio keyboard to practice on and found a great teacher. How does this relate to drawing? Two ways: 1) it will get me back into the habit of becoming disciplined at something and practicing it every day, which can translate well into art as well; and 2) it can spur creativity, which will apply to drawing, too. It’s really difficult to be self-disciplined, which is why formal lessons can often be helpful. You don’t have to go to an expensive college; there are many private teachers around, or sometimes there are community lessons sponsored by your city or county for adult students. When it comes to writing, you might also try joining a writers’ group. These can be great in that the members of a good group urge each other on, which can really get you to sit down at the ol’ desk and start typing. Papabear doesn’t think, offpaw, that you have ADD. I think you are just having a tough time doing this on your own. Finding a teacher or a group of fellow artists to work with can not only inspire you to write or draw and also to boost your self-discipline, but you may be surprised to find that developing a routine of going to regular classes or meetups can reduce your stress levels. That’s because we, as humans, often find routine comforting, and also because you will feel like you are making some progress toward your goals, which will relieve anxiety that causes stress. So, my advice would be to not go it alone anymore. Find a teacher or teachers and fellow artists and add them to your life to boost your creativity, inspiration, and discipline. Good luck! Papabear Papa Bear. I need some help...
Ok... Let’s start at the beginning... It would seem most logical... It's about a girl. At about January 22 I met a coyote. It was her birthday and I congratulated her. We exchanged a few PM's on the local furry forum, then moved on to Whatsapp. We chatted for 2 months when I realized: I wanted to be more than friends. Me being a shy guy, I did what any religious guy would do: I asked God, that if it was His will, that I find the courage to ask her out. A few days passed, and on the 27th of April, I finally mustered the courage to ask her out. Although we were opposites in many ways, we had so much in common when it came to personalities. I really fell head over heals for this one. I believed that she was the one... And herein lies my first question: Is it naive for an 18-year-old guy [to believe he] can find true love? In the five weeks we spent together, I loved her more and more each day, although we never met, but unknown to me, she felt the opposite... And on Saturday, the first of June, exactly five weeks from the fateful day I asked her out, she decided to leave me... I cried... I sat on top of the roof, and I cried like I didn't since I was a baby. And as pathetic as it may be, five weeks is the longest relationship I have ever been in... My love life has consisted of me falling in love, then getting my heart broken by the girl I gave it to. And on the local furry forum I'm a member at, a guy gave me this advice: "Alpha up man! No woman loves a man who devoted his all to her." Question 2: Is he right? Or maybe am I asking the wrong guy? I don't know if I can do this again, fall in love, let my heart be danced upon, leave me in the ashes... Then a while ago, she said she would like to try again, but first we should meet... I arranged a date, and hell, was I nervous... Haha! But then, she said that it'd be better if we'd just stay friends. That hurt... You can't go around, telling someone that you want to try again, then dump them before it starts... Can you? I haven't been myself lately... I'm cranky all the time. I swear... I never swear! And I'm over her... But... I just feel so confused... Question 3: Should I be sad that she left? Should I be angry that she broke my heart..? Now... If this was a one time thing... I'd survive... But this happens to me all the time, not once did a relationship before Ms. Coyote last more than two weeks... And not once did I pull the.plug; I was always at the receiving end when it came to dumping... And then the twist in my story. Since I'm single, my one friend who I've known (and, honestly, liked) for a very long time is acting all weird. She keeps telling me about what she wants in a guy, and every time it seems like she's trying to point at me... My fourth question: Is this just my mind, trying to find comfort in something that isn't there? And finally... I am not looking for something that will not last, a weekend fling so to speak. But every relationship I have had ended in a few weeks or less... And having every relationship end in disaster... It kind of leaves scars, scars that don't heal... And every time I like a girl, I cant help but have the feeling that it will not last... That I'll get hurt again... And this girl who I spoke about before... I'd like to ask her out... But she said no before... Last Question: How will I overcome this... Fear of rejection? Thanks for listening. Kind regards Adagio South-Africa Also, I read just now "please limit yourself to one question per form" um... I asked 4 but they are all related... if I'm breaking the rules... i'd send them separately... I typed it out then posted it here... so sorry about that... * * * Dear Adagio, As you noted, I ask my readers to please only ask one question per letter. However, since they are all rather related, I will try and treat them as one question and give you a pass on this one. Let me start by repeating a saying with which you might be familiar: “All’s fair in love and war.” So, when you ask questions like “Can she do this or that?” Well, yeah, she can. There’s no rule book, hon. And your friend who said, "Alpha up man! No woman loves a man who devoted his all to her." Yeah, he’s a moron. Most women I know prefer a faithful, devoted boyfriend or husband. I have no idea where your friend managed to come to the opposite conclusion. Now let’s tackle the rest of the letter, in general. I see this kind of problem a lot with younger people, especially teenagers. Every love is “the love of my life,” and every break-up is “the end of my life! I’m devastated!” At your age, relationships tend to get over-romanticized, and problems tend to become highly exaggerated in importance. I know, I was like that myself at your age. A few years and more experience will help you gain some perspective and allow you to lend “problems” their realistic weight on the scale of life. But you probably don’t want to wait that long, so allow me to loan you some of my years. There is no such thing as “only one woman” for you. If that were true, it would be awfully damn hard for people to get together and get married, especially since there are 7 billion people on the planet. What if the “one woman for me” lives in a small village with no phone service in Cambodia? The truth is that there are many potential mates out there for you. None of them is a “perfect match” (again, abandon ideas of that because nobody is perfect), but there are likely quite a few who come close. You’ll probably find someone like that eventually, and when you do, remember to accept them for who they are and don’t try to change their personality. Reading your letter, Papabear gets the sense that you are a highly emotional fur, someone who wears his heart on his sleeve. You long to give a woman your heart. Because of this, you aren’t being very careful in who you go after. You said yourself that that one girlfriend you were with for five weeks was very different from you in a lot of ways. I suspect you are pouncing on them too readily, and in your robust ardour you are scaring potential girlfriends away. You see, while girls do like to have a true and devoted boyfriend, your intensity might be overwhelming and scaring them off. And you are doing it again with this latest potential love interest. Every time you think you are getting the slightest hint of interest from a girl, you jump to: “This could be the one! The love of my life!” Am I right? So, then you create a lot of pressure on yourself, and the girl as well, that this has to be pursued as if the woman could eventually be the mother of your children. And, when it doesn’t work out, you’re crushed. In short, you need to try to take a lesson from us bears and be more laid back, more easy-going. You need to put things in perspective and realize that, while it IS possible to find a forever-love at your age, it is unlikely. What is more likely is that you will meet and date several people before you find that really special someone who will become a huge part of your life. Take the pressure off yourself. Enjoy life and your youth, because you only get to go on this ride once. Be open to meeting new people without the expectation that they will become love interests. Instead, get to know them as friends first. Perhaps go out on a date, but do so with no expectations of anything more than having a fun time at the moment. This doesn’t mean you are a shallow person who is trying to date a lot of women. No, not at all. What you are doing is allowing yourself to be open to possibilities without the pressure of having an all-or-nothing game or roulette. Don’t be so hard on yourself or on the girl if going on a date doesn’t result in marriage or even a steady romance that lasts more than a few weeks. You will be able to be more yourself that way, and that will actually increase your chances of attracting a woman, getting to know the other person better, and maybe then moving on to the next level. In short, don’t go Alpha Wolf, as your clueless friend suggested, go Bear :-3 And good luck! Papabear |
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