Dear Papa Bear,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 9 months. He is a furry but I'm not. In the beginning it was all engines revving, but lately things in the bedroom have become rather slow/nonexistent. I have tried to talk to him about this but unfortunately it has not helped. What advice do you have? Do you know anything that really gets a furry hot under the collar? Many thanks Anonymous * * * Dear John, Everyone is different concerning their sexual desires and needs. Just because he's a furry doesn't mean all furries want the same thing--not by any stretch of the imagination! What you clearly need to do is have a frank discussion about what both his and your needs are. If he won't talk to you about them, then that is a very serious blockade against your making any progress. So, first thing's first. You need to get him to open up. Here are some strategies provided by an article in Psychology Today:
Once you get him to open up and find out what his needs are, then you can start trying to fulfill those needs. Remember, though, that your needs are also important. There should be an equal give and take in any relationship that includes a sexual component. Hope that helps. Hugs, Papabear
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Hi, Papabear!
Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all you do in the furry community. It personally touches me and helps so many others, so I greatly appreciate how much effort you put into helping other furs. Okay, here's my question. I turn 14 in a month and want to really start getting involved in the fandom. I live about an hours drive away from Toronto so I'd like to go to Furnal Equinox in 2019, but the trouble is, though my parents are supportive of my "furryness" my dad rarely gets days off from work and I'm not sure my parents as a whole want to spend a bunch of money on a hotel room, con admission, so forth. I'm worried that they also might say that most of the attendees will be adults and there's no reason for a 14 year old to go. (Sorry for all the details.) So, do you have any advice on what I should say to my parents, or what I should do to bring them this idea? I don't want to be the greedy little child, but at the same time I don't want to be the pushover with no backbone. What is your opinion? Thanks so much! Clexis (14, Ontario) * * * Hi, Clexis, I'm not sure what kind of job your father has, but most cons, including Furnal Equinox, occur during the weekend. Does your father have to work weekends? If so, that will, indeed, be an issue. Perhaps just you and your mother could attend? Furcons can be kinda pricey, yeah. Not the con itself, if you get a basic membership, but it's the hotel room that can hurt the pocketbook. Many furries resolve this by sharing rooms, but if you are with your mom and/or dad, that seems unlikely. Furnal Equinox rooms are already going fast, and regular doubles are sold out, which means the next available room is $229.50, plus taxes, resort fees, etc. etc. Now, if you are a fursuiter, I always recommend getting a room at the con hotel (or ask a friend with a room to allow you to borrow the room and shower to change), BUT! If you don't need to change in a nearby room, nothing says you can't stay at another nearby hotel for far less money. The hotel is near downtown, and a quick search shows you can find nearby rooms for half that price or less, then just walk over or take a quick cab to the furcon hotel, saving yourself hundreds of dollars. You can, as well, save some money by buying breakfast and lunch items in a grocery store and stocking up in the fridge at the hotel so as to avoid expensive restaurant food. So, say you do this and your parents come along and you have to pay for gas and food and so on: you are talking about $400-$500 for the weekend, minimum. Here's a question: would you be willing to find a part-time job to pay for it yourself? You have a little over six months to save $500 (let's call it $600 to be safe). That's means you would only have to earn $100 a month. If you found a job, say, babysitting or tutoring or as a store cashier or things like that, you could easily earn enough money by the time of the furcon and then treat your parents for the weekend. This will have the bonus effect of impressing them as to how serious you are (and generous and hard-working), which will go a long way toward their allowing you to be furry. The average age of attendees at furcons is about 18-25, but there ARE quite a few younger attendees (and older). In fact, last time I went to Califur, I was surprised to see probably a dozen or more kids under 15 with their parents, and that number seems to go up every year. Most parents I have spoken with who attend furcons leave with a very good impression of these events. It is a great idea to take your parents to one! Good Luck! If you do go, let me know how it went! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
This particular issue has been on my mind for a long while, and today I can no longer bear the thought of this daily. I’m not too sure whether you’re the right person to talk to or whether there’s any way you can help, but I don’t really have anything to lose so I thought I might as well try. (You might want to grab a cup of coffee, as this will take a little while to explain. Also, it’s a bit heavy, just thought to warn you before you read further.) I’m an 18 year old furry from the not-so-sunny land of Wales. I’m known by my friends and family for being a pessimist and sadly that couldn’t be more true. I have a medical condition which means I was born with only a single ear. Obviously, that means I cannot hear as well as other people, but also, I was bullied a lot while I was growing up. The option was presented to me to have a prosthesis attached to implants to make it look like I had two ears to help me “fit in”, and another implant that poked outside of my head to attach a hearing aid, so I could hear. For the most part, this worked as intended and was a great help, however this was not to last. Back in October 2015, due to the growth spurt in my teenage years, a layer of skin had grown over all of my implants, and the hospital decided they were going to sort out the implants for my prosthesis first. They cut away at the skin around the area to uncover the implants again, then grafted a piece of skin from my thigh to replace it. Soon after, a new model of hearing aid was introduced that involved a magnet under the skin. The doctors presented this to me as a solution to fix my hearing aid implant as it being covered by skin would be okay, and I wouldn’t have to worry about having it uncovered. After a bit of looking into things, they discovered that the hearing aid implant I currently use (installed in around 2008) was too old and therefore couldn’t have a magnet attached to it. So they said I’d need to have another implant a little further up. This would be an exact repeat of the surgery performed in ‘08, and they said as the procedure would only take around 30 minutes, I would most likely be discharged the same day I was admitted. And here’s where we get to my problem. After that surgery in 2015 to uncover my prosthesis implants, everything was fine, until about a week after. Unbeknownst to me, a small section of graft was not bonding with the surrounding tissue, leaving a small pocket. At around 3am that night, it started to bleed heavily, and despite both me and both of my parents being medically trained, we could not stem the bleeding. The paramedics were called as I was going into shock and I was losing consciousness. Although it seems like half of the event was never recorded in my memory, my parents told me I was saying things like “I’m going” or “I can see my great grandparents”. I was rushed off to hospital and I remember my mother praying on a rosary, as the doctors took a sample of my blood and assessed what happened. The thing is, they found nothing. Their response was “we can’t find a reason why this happened, but for some reason, it happened.” After two days in hospital, I was discharged again, and after another bleeding episode a few days later that we managed to take care of ourselves, that was the end of it. I was told by my parents that three were told I was very lucky to be alive. The whole near-death experience was extremely traumatizing. The scary thing is that no-one ever found out why. I have a few guesses, but that’s all they are—guesses. I’m going in for this new operation in the autumn and all I can think about is the same thing happening again, and me not being so lucky this time around. I’ve been living this past year (since January) in a downward spiral, believing in my heart I only have a few months left to live. I’ve been assured by everyone around me (including my conscious self) that I’m going to live through it, but it’s just not getting through deep down. A voice inside of me just keeps saying “you’re going to die”. Depending on the grades I get at results day on August 16th, I could have finally realized my dream of studying engineering at university, but have it snatched away from me at the last second. That’s what I feel like will happen. My impending death is all I can think about right now, and it’s just getting worse and worse with each passing day, so ... what do I do? Yours Faithfully, Glyn (age 18, Cardiff, Wales) * * * Dear Glyn, That is quite a story, and I am sorry about all you have had to go through. It is quite amazing that medical science has progressed to the point where they can help you with your ear and hearing issues. Medicine, though, is also sometimes referred to as the "medical arts" for a reason. Medicine is not just about knowing anatomy, physiology, epidemiology, etc. Even now, doctors and researchers are still struggling to grasp that every individual is slightly different than everyone else in how their body reacts to medicines and medical procedures, as is apparently the case with you. I'm sensing a reason you are frightened is that you might have a feeling of powerlessness. That can certainly happen when one has been faced with a life-threatening event such as the bleeding problems you have had. Being nervous about another procedure is perfectly understandable and normal. There are a couple things I would suggest: 1) ask to speak with your surgeon and talk to them about the procedure and ask them what they have learned from what happened the first time and if they are going to do anything differently with a second procedure (do not let up until ALL of your questions are answered), and 2) contact the hospital where the procedure was performed and ask to talk with a hospital counselor. Speak to them frankly about your worries and fears. I'm not sure about Wales, but in the USA this is called presurgical counseling. It is very important, too, for you to realize that patients have rights and your decisions on how to handle your health are paramount. They are YOUR decisions, not the doctor's. Often, patients simply bow to whatever their doctors say without question. They fail to ask questions. They fail to tell doctors when they believe the doctor is not listening to their needs or if the doctor is dismissing their symptoms too readily. You can ease your mind by realizing YOU are in control, not the doctor. The doctor works for you, not the other way around. One thing this means is you are in control of the schedule. If you are not comfortable with the surgery scheduled for this autumn, then tell the hospital you wish to cancel or postpone it. If I am reading your letter correctly, this is not a life-threatening need right now. That is, you will still be able to live and function without the surgery. Do you feel that you will be able to attend university? I am guessing you can, and if you have trouble hearing lectures, make sure you sit in a front-row seat (you can also record lectures and listen to them later with the volume turned up); if you need a hearing aid in the one ear, get one. Only after all your questions have been answered about the surgery and you are mentally and emotionally prepared for it should you schedule a date. In other words, don't push yourself because pushing yourself about deadlines will only increase your anxiety levels. You, Glyn, are ultimately in control of your own health and body. You have the right to be comfortable and well-informed about any medical treatments and surgical procedures involving your own body. Hope that helps reassure you. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
When I was first became a furry, I also became an artist, and the two have been inseparably linked for me. I was also bi sexual at the time. During that time I had enough male companionship, but no female companionship that I craved. I eventually chose to be hetero and met a woman. When she found out that I was previously bi, I had to swear that that part of my life was in the past. She also did not like that I was a furry, and after a year, I eventually left the furry fandom. We ended up doing the American Dream bit, getting married, graduating college, getting steady jobs, getting a house with white vinyl fence, dogs, and eventually had a kid together. My partner's health started to really deteriorate once we had a kid, to the point where she was disabled and unemployed. After 11 years, I happened across one of my old friends from way back in the furry fandom, who had become a successful illustrator and comic book artist. With only a little encouragement, she gave me homework assignments and I started getting back into art, and pretty quickly, into the furry fandom as well. And I have to say, it felt satisfying, deep down to my soul, to be producing art again. Not going to lie, I didn't make the smartest of decisions. I tried to keep that a secret from my partner. Two years later I ended up checking out a local major furry convention, and I ended up getting bit by the fur suiting bug. About this point in time I started ramping up my participation in the furry fandom, and it starts spilling into other aspects of my life. I also started spending less time exclusively with my partner so that I could work on art and projects as well, and have become chronically sleep deprived. Being an artist is a funny thing. You could have spent the whole day doing things that needed to be taken care of, but if you don't put a pen to paper, the whole day feels unproductive. I digress. My partner at this time had told me that she did not want to hear _anything_ furry related for 6 months. Not my most mature decision, I tried to keep my furry passion underground during that time, and it wasn't until closer to the end of the 6 months that i realized tha t really, my partner just wanted me to spend more time with her. After the 6 months were up, I was starting to try to strike a balance between the two, spending time with my partner, and trying to be honest and open about my increased presence in the furry fandom. I really want to make a fursuit. But then a major life altering event occurred and my partner was the victim of a crime. My partner reported this crime, and the police then made her a victim a second time by victim blaming her. It's a great injustice my partner has suffered, but the topic itself has also become a very polarizing issue in her life. People either believe she is innocent, or that she is not the victim. Anyway, a year from the previous furry convention, and I'm allowed to be as involved in the furry fandom as I want to be. I end up making a group of friends who all come to attend the convention, and I have managed to make a tail by this point and attended the con with my friends. My partner, after 2 days into the 4 day convention, basically tells me that either I can continue to attend the convention and she'll divorce me, or I can miss the rest. Tough pill to swallow, but I'd rather not let a furry convention be the reason I get divorced. A couple weeks later, and we're out having dinner together as a date, and she mentions that she can never accept the furry fandom or me for being part of it. She has a confirmation bias that the furry fandom is all a bunch of perverts. That was basically my breaking point. I've had multiple people tell me that I am in an abusive relationship, even though my partner always tells me that I am the one who is emotionally abusive to her. Having lost our primary source of income when she became disabled, we were on a financial precipice, and at this point in time I can accept that we may finally lose the house and a lot of other stuff. She had made it very clear that if we didn't have a child together, she would have already left me long ago as well. She has repeatedly issued me an ultimatum, do I want to get back together with her or do I want to get a divorce. The first time I did say yes on the divorce, and she did _everything_ in her power to get me to change that statement. No w I simply don't have it in me to tell her that even if it is what I wanted. I know ultimately, the only person who can make that decision is me, stay or leave. And I know that the reason my life is in financial ruin is from that relationship, but I also know that I have my responsibilities to my child and will not just walk out on my child's life. Sorry to have to give you the whole life story, but I could really use some outside advise right about now. What is your thoughts on staying married vs getting divorced? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, When it comes to the question of getting a divorce, I think you already know the answer. The issue you have come across is not about your being a furry. It is about control and lack of acceptance. You could substitute "I enjoy doing furry stuff" for many other things (e.g., "I am a fanatic about playing golf" or "I really enjoy going to Star Trek and Dr. Who conventions") and she would put an ultimatum on those things, too. Why? Because she feels you are not paying enough attention to her. One might think it is because of her bad impression of furries, but you tried showing her a convention and you have probably told her until you are blue in the face that you aren't having fursuit sex or whatever and she has not listened, has she? Again, it's about control. Healthy relationships are not about one spouse controlling the other, but you already know that, too. Being a furry is part of who you are, and if she can't accept that then she can't accept you for being you. If that is true, then it is already over, whether or not you divorce. Next terrible thing is how she is using your child as a weapon. This is unfair to you and it is unfair to your child. Back when I was in high school, my parents were getting ready to break up. I was told several times, "We are only staying together because of you." What a horrible thing to say to your child! In other words, it was my fault that my parents were miserable? If I didn't exist, they would be happily divorced? Holy crap! This is an act of her extorting you, as well. There might be an implication here that you won't get to see your kid? This all said, I am very sorry for her legal troubles. I believe her and you when you say she was the victim and the police are part of the problem. My sympathies. That is a different issue, however. It is possible for you to continue to support her and to be a father to your child after a divorce. When my wife divorced me after I realized I was gay and came out to her, we had a rough time of it, yes, but we are now friends, and we still support each other as friends. And if you get divorced, you and she will always be the father and mother to your child, and you can and should always be there in the father role. My recommendation? Find yourself the best attorney you can afford, and if you are confident in your decision, file for divorce before she does. Why? According to the Washington State law firm McKinley Irvin, there are several reasons to file papers first, according to their website:
Be honest with yourself as to what you want and why, and be prepared for the legal consequences to follow. After the emotional and legal difficulties you will endure, make sure your heart is always in the right place by maintaining your rights to be a father and by trying, if you can, to remain friends with your ex. After all, there were reasons why you married her in the first place, so she can't be all bad. Good luck! Papabear Hiya Papabear,
I wrote you a weeks... month? I'm not sure, I'm bad with time. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that I got my fursuit (fullsuit) and I absolutely couldn't be happier with it, you're advice really helped me and I thank you for that. Onto my actual question, well... its not easy to explain but I'll try to keep it short. I grew up in a very isolated household where my parents weren't around often, me and my two brothers pretty much learned to fend for ourselves growing up. Because of this experience I kind of forced myself to be strong and try to make everything ok because back then I couldn't afford to be soft. This unfortunately has followed me throughout life, I seem to be unable to show my true emotions. I know I'm sensitive and am often hurting, but for some reason I am completely unable to outwardly show it. I can't cry, I can't even tell people what's wrong, my instinctual response to when anyone asks me if something is wrong, is to say "nothing" and "I'm fine" or sometimes its just "Don't worry about me, I'm tough" and these are all lies. Ugh, this is already getting to long and I'm sorry for that. But there's a prime example, I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time, I'm not worth help. And this st ems from my childhood as well as other experiences I've had, because the few times I've actually opened up to people, they've left because they didn't want to deal with me. All these things have led me to just build a wall around myself and not let anyone see the real me, and because I've been doing it for the majority of my life, I'm not even sure what the "real me" is anymore. I've sought out therapy and medicine, neither worked so I stopped. At this point I'm just kind of forcing my way forward day by day pretending I'm fine when I'm not. Sorry about the potentially unnecessary backstory. My question is this, how do I let people in? How do I open up to people who want to help me? I'm terrified of what will happen when I do, I'm terrified if I stop being what I am now, there isn't anything left. What do I do? Kayne * * * Dear Kayne, I'm glad to hear my earlier response was helpful to you; thanks for telling me :-3 Yes, having a difficult childhood can certainly lead to the problems you're currently experiencing. As you say, you had to be tough to survive your travails, and now this toughness has become entrenched into your personality. Fortunately, I would not say you are suffering from an emotional or mental health issue because you do feel emotions (and I assume they are appropriate emotions); you just are unable to let them out. What we have here, then, is a habit issue. You have programmed yourself not to show emotions to other people and you can't figure out how to break this habit. How do you break a bad habit? One classic way to do so is to replace it with a good habit. I suggest you already have such a habit available to you now: fursuiting! When you feel the need to express yourself, do so in fursuit. Being in fursuit (and in character) allows you to reduce or eliminate feeling self-conscious about your emotions because you have a secure barrier around you, so to speak, to protect you from feeling judged. When people react to what you are doing, they are reacting to your fursona and not "you," you see. This is the same method that actors on stage use. Many actors are quite shy in person, but when they are in character on stage or in front of a camera, they have a tool for letting out their emotions. And you don't always have to do this while wearing your fursuit. You can also do it while just being your fursona in, say, roleplaying games online. You might think this is "hiding," but what it really is, is a way for you to rehearse and exercise your emotions. Just like working a flabby body gives you stronger muscles, exercising your self-expression will improve it over time. By doing so under the protection of your fursona, you will get lots of solid practice on how to openly let out your feelings to others in a relatively safe and productive way. Another method you can use in concert with the above is to practice expressing emotions in a private setting. While no one else is around, go into your bedroom or bathroom and practice all sorts of emotional outbursts: cry, scream in anger, laugh out loud, express passion, express anguish. It is important to do this out loud and not in your head. Talk to the mirror about what is frustrating you or bringing you happiness or sadness. You can also try doing this with a plush toy or other object. Talk to, say, a teddy bear and tell it you hate it, you love it, it's driving you crazy, whatever you're feeling inside. Let it all out. Keep doing these things over and over and eventually you will become comfortable enough to wean yourself off the teddy bear and fursona and begin expressing yourself to others as yourself. Do this on your own schedule and don't push yourself and don't give yourself unrealistic expectations or deadlines. This could take weeks, months, even years to happen, but it will happen if you keep at it diligently. Good Luck! Hugs, Papabear |
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