Dear Papabear,
Have you heard the news lately? A Soyuz capsule recently returned to Earth after a 6-month mission to the International Space Station, which was a complete success. Whoever these people are became international celebrities. There will likely be schools named after them. The only problem is the Chinese are not allowed on the International Space Station, which is totally racist. I mean, it's not like they will steal technology that is part of the ISS. I blame the U.S. government for that. It is holding humanity back by not letting the Chinese go to the ISS. What will it take for people to make Uncle Sam change his mind? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, The history of international cooperation in space is long and complex. As you likely know, mundane exploration in space began with the Space Race between the Soviet Union and the United States. When the USSR launched Sputnik in 1957--the first satellite--Americans freaked out and decided to work on their space program. Then, the USSR put the first human, Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin (1934-1968), in space in 1961 aboard the Vostok, which freaked out Americans even more. That year, President Kennedy made his famous Moon Speech about putting a man on the moon and returning him safely home, which we did eight years later with Apollo 11. Once the United States declared itself the winner of the Space Race (that depends on whether you consider having the first man in space or on the Moon more important), it wasn't long before we began to lose interest. Indeed, it is my belief America would never have put Neil Armstrong on the Moon if the Russians hadn't challenged us to do so. The last man to walk the Moon's surface to date was Astronaut Eugene Cernan in 1972 with the Apollo 17 mission--nearly a half a century ago! International cooperation made its first mark on history with the Apollo-Soyuz mission in which a Soviet and American spacecraft linked up in 1975. Other countries began forming space agencies, including Japan, China, India, and the countries of the European Space Agency (ESA). Of these countries, only the programs in the U.S., Russia, and China have put men and women into space using their own vehicles; all three have also put craft on the Moon, but only the Americans have put astronauts on the moon (Russia, China, and India have landed unmanned craft on the Moon). As for the ISS, this is a partnership formed between the United States, Russia, Canada, Japan, and the ESA. Members of these participating countries have all been on the ISS crew. The reason why there have been no Chinese on the crew is that China is not a partner in the ISS. This is not a racist decision; it is a political one. China is seen as a competitor and rival among current space agencies, and they are actually doing quite well developing their own space program independently of America, Russia, and Europe. That said, it is Papabear's opinion that the future of humanity is in space, and the successful exploration of space will not be fully realized without the cooperation of all nations. Indeed, it is my fondest hope that space travel will, one day, unify humanity with a common goal, bringing our countries closer together and even, perhaps, helping us all realize that we are all one people and that we should not separate ourselves based on nationality, race, religion, sex, or gender. Perhaps one day.... Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I recently discovered that somebody who I follow on FA who I shall not name for their own sakes doesn’t have the best view of the LGBT. Essentially, he posted a short journal expressing how fed up he was of how much the media hypes up Pride Month, which… fair enough; a month is perhaps a little long and it’s definitely become a lot more commercialised in recent years. That said, in his journal he stated that he believed marriage should be between a man and a woman because marriage to him was about “producing babies” (which, btw, is a term a little too clinical and unloving for my taste). This is such a weak argument against same-sex marriage for a multitude of reasons, the most obvious ones of which I shall list below: 1. Not all opposite-sex couples have nor want to have children, so why do they get a pass whilst same-sex couples get criticised for it? 2. Being married to your own sex doesn’t render you incapable of having children, and artificial insemination isn’t the only way of going about it either. 3. Marriage is not a legal obligation to have children, and having children is not a legal obligation to marry. Having not long come out as a gay man myself – started about 8 months ago but been doing it in baby-steps – part of me thinks I should just not follow in on FA anymore, but I’m not sure. Even though his reasonings against same-sex marriage make no sense, he’s not called people discriminatory names or called for Obergefell v. Hodges to be abolished etc. (at least, not from what I’ve seen). He seems to have adopted more of a “live and let live” attitude about this sort of thing. One one paw, I think to myself that he’s merely expressing an opinion and not being “abusive” as such. But on the other, it’s one thing to have an adverse opinion about, say, whether being vegetarian is healthy or not, it’s another to have an opinion that denies someone their equality because of something against their control. What do you think, Papabear? Is it fair to unfollow someone on social media for their unjust opinion, even though they’re not being abusive about it? Cheers, Anonymous. P.S. Congratulations on your own marriage to Michael, btw! :-) * * * Dear Furiend, Whom you choose as a friend is totally up to you, and you should be friends with people around whom you are comfortable. Being gay myself, I'm not entirely objective here, but I agree with your arguments as to why it makes no sense to say that marriage is for the purpose of procreation. That would mean, using that argument, that he would be against a man and woman marrying if, for some reason, they could not have children. He is, in reality, just trying to come up with a justification for his prejudice, and that is a sign of a lack of empathy and of a big character flaw on his part. You say he is not "abusive" about his prejudice. Hmm, well, you don't have to physically abuse someone, or even be extremely verbally abusive, to be a homophobe, which he clearly is. My guess is that, unless he changes his attitude, the two of you are eventually going to butt heads and the friendship will end. You can always, of course, try to shine a light on his thin argument and reveal it for what it is. There's a slim chance you might open his eyes. In my experience, that doesn't happen too often, but you can try. So, is it "fair" to unfriend someone who has such opinions? Certainly. Personally, I am only friends with people I like and who I respect, and I can't respect someone who is not only prejudice but who is also stupid about it. Cheers, Papabear Hello Papabear.
While I realize you have received this question a multitude of times and I have, admittedly, read through every last letter, your responses to them, and any possible comments, I cannot help but wonder if you may have some advice for me too? To start, the question is rather obvious: I am struggling with keeping a singular fursona and was wondering if you had any thoughts on how to keep them and remain sane in the process, based on the experiences and things I have done below? For example, every time I think I am happy with my critter, I go through what I refer to as a 'Honeymoon Period'. It begins with my being completely in love with everything about them... but then I turn around and either turn them into a character (exceedingly rare) or completely discard and sell them (too common). I can honestly list on one hand my longest lasting 'sonas-turned-characters, while those who have a few days, weeks, or months, only to be sold, would take far more fingers than we naturally have. I have attempted a shifter as per the recommendation of... well, everyone I have come to this issue about, but I feel so incredibly uncomfortable with the idea. I have made also 'sonas that are just like me, are who I want to be, who are nothing like myself, based them off of species I love, made numerous original species, hybrids, chimera, full-on synthetics and blatantly obvious robota, mythical, alien, amorphous blobs or shadows, Dullahan, primordial, horror, bestial, creatures. I feel like I have attempted everything, including seeing what made year-long sona's stick and attempting to finagle that mess out into something coherent, only to be discontented. I have also tried bringing them about through free writing, meditation, seeing animals out in the real world, etc. At times I feel like I have done everything humanly possible and that I am just not meant to ever have someone or something that represents -me-, that I can draw and write, and it is... far more disheartening than I would care to admit. I will say that I have been diagnosed as autism level 1 and with generalized anxiety, so I imagine this impacts my decision making and indecisiveness to some level. At the same time, I do not want my mental health issues to prevent me from being able to create something that makes me genuinely happy and that I can show off to the world and say 'here I am'. It's positively maddening. Thus I am at my wits end. While I am logically aware that I'm overthinking it and that the solution will likely be something rather simple, I am failing to find it. Not in the above, not in totems or spirituality, not in quizzes or even my dreams, though admittedly the latter all have the commonality of me flying through them on feathered wings--which is the one feature that has also stuck with every single prior 'sona or character made. I feel like this letter is a bit scattered. With that said, regardless of whether or not you have advice for my situation, thank you for your time and for putting in the effort you have into this blog. It means a great deal. With respect, Eden * * * Dear Eden, It certainly seems as if you have tried many things to create a fursona. The problem might be this: when asking for advice from people on how to choose a fursona, you are taking advice from non-autistic people. Such people do not think in the same manner you do, being autistic. Autistic people, as you likely know, have a different thought process, and the part I'm about to write now is more for my column readers than for you. For example:
The solution for you, as an autistic person, is to approach fursona design from your point of view. Step 4: Don't try to imagine a complete fursona (i.e., a category, such as "sparkle dragon"). Instead, start by compiling a bunch of parts that appeal to you. Anatomical parts. Colors. Textures. Clothing that interests you. Don't even limit yourself to biology if you don't wish to. Perhaps your fursona is part machine. Perhaps it is merely a spiritual energy being. Do not try to associate these parts with each other. Keep them separate and individuated. Use as many or as few parts as you like. Step 2: Go do something else for a while that has nothing to do with the fursona. Step G: Have a little fun with being literal. Do you have some favorite expressions? Try illustrating them. "He's making a jackass out of himself." "She got the lion's share of the meal." "Don't be pig-headed!" "It was a wild goose chase." "Crazy as a coo-coo bird." "Wise as an owl." Just play around with it. See what inspires. Step ϑ: Don't worry about what anyone thinks of your fursona or character. This is all about you and who you are or what you love or want to be. Don't worry about what is popular or what other people do with their fursonas or how they create them. Don't even listen to my advice here if you don't like it. Create your own original process. Finally (or Firstly): Don't worry. Don't rush. Don't even be upset if you never create a fursona. Let yourself go. Leave anxiety and self-doubt in the garbage bin where it belongs. And then, just let it happen. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I don’t know if this is going to end with a question, or if this is just an update on my last letter. I wrote to you before about being in a relationship waiting to hear three life changing words. Well, we made it a year and four months together. The best year of my life. But before I talk about how things ended, I would like to indulge in a bit of reminiscing. From hugs that we both lingered, to kissing him in the spur of the moment, saying goodbye for the first time and being surprised when he kissed me back. We talked everyday, sharing our lives and our troubles. We supported each other from afar, and made each other laugh. I remember us having fun little spats over who wanted to pay for the other more at dinners. We danced together, and the world just fell away; we slept together, and I felt so at home when he started snoring. He came to my house-warming party, where we ended up watching shooting stars just the two of us talking about life and each other. He came to see me whenever he could, and I would teach him little helpful things I picked up when I could. For our anniversary, I gave him little knick knacks from as many countries as I could find. I told him, “I wanted to give you the world, but only so much of it would fit in the bag.” I even found my old “Hit Clip,” the little music player that was the center of conversation of our first date. He gave me all of my favorites: hot chocolate, sweets, a new mug for my collection, and a lion to cuddle when he wasn’t around. My Honeylion. Every step of the way, he knew how much I loved him, and he saw how my love for him grew and grew. But every chance he got he told me it was okay. I saw his actions, and I could tell he was trying to feel the same love I had for him. Even the little moments. In his sleep he would reach up for my hand to hold. I would wait as long as it took. But on May 31 everything came to a head. Several days preceding that, he would seem standoffish to my affection, which wasn’t usual. He would ignore any mention of my names for him, and he wouldn’t reply to messages that seemed too sappy or emotional. He had made mention of needing to talk to me about something, but he never went much deeper until I pulled at the curtain. He said that he still couldn’t develop feelings, and that he never meant to give me false hope that he would. That he only called me Hon and Sweetie because that’s a thing he and his friends do (not that I ever saw with the friends of his I met). He tried to convince me that all of his actions were from a place of friendship and nothing more. But I can’t believe for a second there wasn’t love there. I felt the spark every time I held his hand. He just wanted to nix the relationship and stay friends, to be there for me like family. For me everything started to fall apart. Every memory threatened to tear itself apart. What was real, anymore? What was his intention, and what did I make up? Or was he just lying to me to push me away? When he said "no" to my plea for staying together, I heard every past relationship echo words of not being enough, not being the right fit, and about being a mistake. That I’m the idiot who can’t do anything right; that I lied to myself for a year. The best year of my life was over, just like that. What was the point? I guess I tried to “move on,” but that didn’t do me any good. Everything reminded me of him, every song on the radio, jokes friends told, every smile reminded me of who I wanted to share them with. I had dreams of marrying him, having kids, and growing old together. I would sacrifice anything for him to come back one day. The unbearable silence drove me back to ask him one last time to give US one last chance, that I would always love him if he ever wanted to try again. He treated talking to me like a problem that needed to be solved, but told me I had done nothing wrong. He appreciated how honest I was through it all, but he told me that if I persisted any further he would cut me out of his life. Even if it was another "no," I needed to clear up some of the last communication problems we had. I didn’t want to end on as bad a note. We parted with him saying that he had already moved on and wanted to try things with someone else. He begged me to stay friends. All I could say is that all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. And as much as it hurt me to say, if someone else could make him happy he should pursue that path. As much as he wanted to stay friends, I couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing him with someone else. Him saying “I Love you” to someone else…. I hate it more than anything, but I would rather suffer if it meant that he could be happy. Despite the pain, loving him was the best thing to have ever happened to me. And I still do. I know it would hurt less if I could get him out of my head and out of my heart. But his memory won’t leave. I just see his smiling face stabbing me in the heart. I just nod and say it’ll be okay. If I had a question to ask, it might be "What should I do now/" But I hear enough of that from the few who I have told about the breakup. I just want to end it. I wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow. What I do care about is all the people my death would affect. In a way, they are what’s keeping me going. But that doesn’t fix the glass that’s rattling around on the inside of my chest. The funny thing is that even with all of those broken pieces, I still love my Honeylion, and I would take him back in a second if he chose to try again. Thank you, Papabear, for everything. I guess this was one marathon I couldn’t finish. Sincerely, Rillee Satranack * * * Dear Rillee, What a beautiful, heartfelt letter! As I read of your time together with HL (I'll use this abbreviation for convenience's sake), I could literally feel the love you had/have for him, and I'm very sorry to hear that he could not return that love. Although I feel sad that you have lost him, I feel even sadder for HL, a person who had love--real love--and threw it away. Maybe, one day, he will open his eyes and regret that. Two of the most stressful events in life one can experience are the death of a loved one or the divorce from a loved one; a breakup like yours is pretty much tantamount to the latter, even though it lasted a little over a year. Just because it was fairly brief doesn't mean the pain is not just as tremendous. Neither I nor you, apparently, can understand exactly why HL broke up with you except to say, as you imply, he just didn't love you as much as you loved him. You will find in this life that some people are capable of loving more profoundly and more deeply than others. To my mind, this is a matter of being more spiritually evolved and connected to the universe when your heart is full of love. That is a blessing for you, but also it can be a source of pain because people who feel love more intensely also feel grief more painfully. In this way, you and I are alike. Such pain can be paralyzing, but please do not inflate it to the point where you seriously consider suicide. It sounds like you are, thankfully, considering how such an act would hurt others in your life, and I hope that prevents you from acting further on that impulse. But if the thought occurs again, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. OK, so suicide is definitely off the table, right? But you still need help looking to the future. How do you deal with this pain? Well, for one thing, we can consider Shakespeare's famous quote: "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." This is very true. There are people on this planet who, unlike you, have never found someone to love in their life, not even for a year or even a few days. It is tragic to say that some people will never get to feel what you did with someone they care about with all their heart. Even though HL has withdrawn from your life, one thing he can't take away from you is the sixteen months you had together. The dinners you shared, the cuddles, the sleeping together, those are now all ingrained in you, they are a part of you. They are a treasure in your heart that you will never lose, and that is a great gift he has given you even if he never says those three little words to you again. My answer to your question "What do I do now?" is, therefore, a two-parter: first, you keep the memory of those sixteen months alive in your heart for all time; secondly, you don't let what happened at the end with HL turn you off the possibility of love in the future. Someone out there, someday, will be extremely lucky if you give them your heart again and show them how love is not a limited resource but, rather, it is an infinite one. You, my furiend, have a huge heart, and if you share it with others you will find happiness again. Promise. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear:
I met this guy on Twitter. We talk occasionally, have been for over a year. He contacted me for the first time shortly after I got my fursuit. He seems nice enough. But most of the time when we talk he wants to me to get out my suit and shake my fuzzy ass for the camera. Don't get me wrong, I love me suit, love taking it to cons and having fun but I don't get much enjoyment out of what he wants. It doesn't make me uncomfortable it's just a lot of work to get suited up and roll around on the bed for 30 minutes or so for his amusement/arousal or whatever. I feel like I'm being used here, he is a nice guy but I don't know how break it to him that I find these sessions a nuisance more than anything else. A hassle so he can ogle me like a piece of meat. I want this to stop but I'm bad at telling people no. How should I handle this? Sincerely, Typhon * * * Hi, Typhon, Good question :-3 As a fursuiter myself, I know what it takes to get in and out of one, and I totally get what you're saying. And it sounds like you're absolutely correct that this person just wants to get a bit of visual stimulation in a rather selfish way that has nothing to do with what you yourself want. Yeah, if I were you, I would feel a bit used, too. Let me ask you this: do you have some videos saved of you performing in suit? If so, you could simply offer to share some of those with him and see if that floats his boat. If he insists on a personal show, then the best way to handle it is to just tell him what you told me to the effect of this: "I'm flattered that you like my fursuit and I'm very proud of it, but getting in and out of it is really kind of a grueling process that takes a lot out of me. You might not understand that if you don't have a fursuit yourself, and this is exactly why not all furries have one (not to mention the expense). I would be happy to send you some photos of me fursuiting or a video, but I really don't care to do all that work for a one-person audience. I hope you'll understand." See what he says to that. If he gets all huffy and insulted or, worse, suddenly cuts you off or even blocks you, then you know that his was not a real friendship, sadly. If he says something like, "Oh! Sorry! I didn't realize that! Yes! I would love some photos of you in your fursuit, thank you very much!" Then all is well. Hope that helps! Papabear Papabear,
Writing again. I finally got put on some ADHD medicine and I'm remembering things a lot better than I used to. But that's not what I'm writing about today. One of my friends on Discord just found out he might have heart cancer. He's already been through enough. His abusive family continues to plague him even in adulthood, and he's been shot at least once (over a f***ing toaster, no less, which of course his family berated him for), and just.... He doesn't deserve this. All my friends in that server are breaking down and having trouble processing it. It's causing us to start infighting and talking about leaving the server. I just.... How the hell are we supposed to process the information that someone we cared about for so long might die soon? (update) Apologies for sending another letter, but last time I wrote was about a friend who was potentially deep in medical issues, and now I'm writing to say it's worse than we thought. He NEEDS a blood transfusion, but his Jehovah's Witness family refuse him getting it (despite him being a functioning adult.) I'd be horrified but considering everything else he's said about them I'm convinced they want him dead by any means other than directly killing him. The problem is, he's all the way in the Philippines, far from anyone on the server who could help him. We have no idea what to do. The closest thing to a plan we have is a GoFundMe, but we have no idea how to get the money to him. For once I'm actually starting to break down because I'm never gonna forgive myself if a friend dies a preventable death because he wasn't able to get the treatment he needed . Feriss * * * Dear Feriss, Very sorry to hear about your friend in the Philippines. You don’t say whether he is Filipino or another nationality who happens to live in the Philippines. If he is Filipino, he should have access to their national health care system. I’m guessing, though, that he is perhaps an American living with his family there. You also say that he is a “functioning adult,” which I take to mean he is over 18? It is possible that he is covered under his parents’ insurance, which you can be included on if you are an American up to the age of 26, thanks to Obamacare laws. If he is under 18, his parents would be breaking the law by not caring for him. It is called “medical neglect of a child” and it applies to all Americans even if you are a Jehovah’s Witness. Jehovah’s Witnesses misinterpret chapter 9 of the Book of Genesis in which God prohibits the eating of meat that still has blood in it. That has nothing to do with blood transfusions, which of course did not exist at the time. Now, if your friend himself refused the blood transfusion because of his beliefs, such a procedure could not be forced upon him, but it sounds like he wants it. If he is not on his parents’ insurance, he could purchase some on his own. There are several companies that offer policies for those living abroad, including Blue Shield, Aetna, and Cigna. However, money is obviously a major concern. Assuming the worst-case scenario, then we have this to deal with: He is over 18; his parents won’t help him; he has no insurance. Now, that is a huge problem. To get medical care in the Philippines you must have a health plan—and most people, including expats, go with PhilHealth. This should have been taken care of long ago if he was going to live in a foreign country. Here is an excellent explanation of the health system in the Philippines. As for your helping him with money: have him set up a PayPal account if he doesn’t already have one, and you can funnel money to him that way (and if he doesn’t have a bank account, he should get one). You could also wire money to him using Western Union. In the end, there is only so much you can do, especially if your friend did not adequately plan for life overseas. This is an excellent lesson for those reading this column about preparing for the worst if you are traveling in a foreign land or planning on an extended stay away from your home country. You should always do research on what to do if there is a medical emergency. As for the other stuff…. I mean, being shot because of a toaster? What? And heart cancer? That is an extremely rare condition. It sounds as if you are uncertain of the diagnosis. I think you need a lot more information about what is going on with your friend before you start sending money. I will hope for the best for your friend. Hugs, Papabear |
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