Hi...
I recently found out about furries ad I have became one because it makes me feel good and no longer shy. I have tails I use but I don't know how to explain to parents... I'm very nervous. Shadow Wolf * * * Hi, Sweetie, I think you’re about the youngest furry to write me so far. Nice to hear from you :-3 The problem a lot of new furries seem to have is that they buy into the notion that being a furry is somehow bad or wrong just because it is not something most people do. Getting your mom and dad to understand that being a furry is just a fun thing and not a threat or scary in any way should be as simple as saying, “Hey, Mom and Dad, guess what? I like Bugs Bunny cartoons!” Who would be upset by that? And, as for wearing a tail and such, playing “dress up” is part of most kids’ childhoods, even those who aren’t furries. I’d like you to watch this video from my friends at FurMedia. It is a parent explaining her reactions to and acceptance of her furry children: http://www.livestream.com/furmedia/video?clipId=pla_415ae6b2-e180-473e-a5e2-6541276fc511&utm_source=lslibrary&utm_medium=ui-thumb You can show that to your parents, if you like. As I’ve said in other letters, of course, telling your family about your furriness also depends on how open-minded they are. Some parents are very controlling, protective, and offended by anything out of the ordinary; other parents—the good ones—will see that being a furry makes you happy and they will support you. If your parents are like that, there is nothing to fear. You can also aid in this process by learning more about furry and its history. You know, modern furry began simply as a bunch of sci-fi/fantasy buffs who liked anthropomorphic characters. They got together talked about books and movies that had characters who were animals but could also talk or had other human qualities. It continued from there to what it is today: an incredibly diverse fandom with people in it who have a wide range of interests. Caution your parents that not all furries are the same, and make it clear to them what kind of furry you are. If it will help, tell your parents they can write to Papabear and ask questions about the fandom. I would be happy to answer anything they would like to talk about. Welcome to the fandom! Don’t be scared. You now have a furry family! Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
I am in the midst of a problem with a friend I met over Skype. She's been going through a lot of stress in her life, and I want to be able to help her, but I don't know how. At the same time, however, I'm worried about if she may be exaggerating her stress either because she's not thinking coherently or because she wants attention. Here's what I have heard from her regarding the things that have been stressing her out:
I want to be able to say something, anything to try and help her work her way out of the situation, or at least help her find a solution to the problem, but I don't know what I should say. I feel like whenever I try to talk to her I always end up stressed out, but at the same time, I also feel like I should be talking to her just to give her someone to talk to that does care about her. The question I guess I'm trying to ask is this: How am I supposed to accomplish this under these circumstances? Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear a response at a time that works best for you. Sincerely, Valeyard * * * Hi, Valeyard, As you might imagine, this question is right up Papabear’s alley. Furries write to me with their problems and I respond as best I can. I do this because, like you, I want to help those in trouble. The danger lies in becoming too emotionally invested in this. Like a surgeon operating on a patient’s heart, you can use all the skills and knowledge at your disposal, and sometimes the patient still dies. This is why it is difficult for many doctors to develop a good bedside manner—they fear they might like the patient too much and become too emotional, which would affect their professional judgment. In your situation with this young woman, there are things you can do and things you shouldn’t do. You can (but only if you really want to): help her with her job search, help her look for other living arrangements, even help her a little with school. Things you should NOT do: offer to help her with money, invite her to be your roommate, try to get in the middle of her family issues. If you can offer her advice that will help her, do so. Often, when people are having a difficult time and multiple things are going wrong, they have a hard time thinking clearly. You can help her with that. That’s really a large part of what I do. But don’t feel bad if you can’t solve all her problems. It is kind of you to want to help—and we should ALL have friends like you in our lives!—but you can’t do everything, and you must remember you have your own problems to deal with and it can easily take a toll on you to assume the burdens of other people, as well. Papabear has been going through an experience like this recently. I have a friend in the UK who is having a hard time getting over a love affair. I spent a lot of time working with him, giving him options and advice, even consulting a psychologist on his behalf, but he refuses to stop obsessing about this guy who will in all likelihood never come back to him. I finally had to tell him that I didn’t want to hear him talk about it any more because I couldn’t help him and he refused to change. He has to help himself and he has to quit obsessing or he will never get over the pain. You can’t help people who won’t or can’t help themselves. But if this woman is trying to move ahead with her life, you can encourage her, offer advice, and give her a shoulder to cry on as any good friend would, but don’t let yourself get sucked into their misery if it doesn’t help. You cannot solve the problems of the world or of all the people out there. Be content that you are a good person and have at least tried to create a bright spot in the universe. But don’t beat yourself up if you are unable to help this woman. Thank you for being a good person. Hugs, Papabear Hello again Papabear,
This is a relationship question, which you have probably been buried in before and maybe still are. But I really need some advice. I have told you about my significant other and I feel like the relationship isn't working for me anymore. I feel like its very one sided for me. My SO lives 30+ miles away from me and he expects me to go visit him when he never comes to see me because he doesn't have a way to get done to see me and wants to see me every week. I say no most of the time because I don't want to drive that much and put the strain on my car and use gas that I don't have money readily available for. I feel like he's pressuring sex but I don't feel like I'm ready for an imitate relationship. I was talking with my friends about it and one of them said that he was using emotional blackmail to get me to do stuff for him. He says that he's not but I think he secretly is because when I give him a negative answer he starts getting emotionally on me and it makes me feel bad. This weekend he wants to spend all the weekend with me Friday to Sunday and he wants me to drive him to his birthday party at his aunts. That means he wants me to drive up to see him, drive him to his aunts, drive back to his apartment the same day as the party, than drive myself back home on Sunday. I feel like that's WAY too much driving for me to do for him. What do you think I should do? LuciusTheBat * * * Hi, Lucius, So, is this the same guy you wrote me about in this column: http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2013/04/high-maintenance-friend.html? Sounds like it is, since both that guy and this one live 30 minutes from you, so probably not a coincidence. In our last correspondence, I said it was up to you whether or not you wanted to put up with such a high-maintenance mate. Seems like you have chosen to put up with him. Therefore, it is really because of your own choice that you are in this situation now. Now in this current situation you are clearly being taken advantage of. It would be different if he were paying for gas and just needed your help because he doesn’t have a car right now, but you are both supplying the car and fuel that you can ill afford. He is also emotionally manipulating you (the friend that clued you in on this is quite observant). Papabear’s advice is this: tell him you can drive him, but only if he will pay for the gas because you can’t afford it. Then see what his reaction is. If he starts the tear ducts going and gives you a guilt trip, then you know you’re being manipulated. If he simply refuses to help with gas, then tell him you’re sorry but you simply can’t afford paying for gas as the past expenses have already hurt your wallet and you are not made of money. If he gets mad about your response, then, again, you know he is using you. On the other paw, this might be a wake-up call for him. He might not realize he’s using you and he might apologize and make amends after you tell him frankly what the deal is. I’m thinking that’s rather a long shot, though. This guy is obviously making you uncomfortable, financially, emotionally, and also with his pressuring you for sex. Take it from a bear who has had the experience of being a tool before: stand up for yourself and don’t let a user take advantage of your good heart. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties contribute to each other’s happiness. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Hi. I'm Nick, and I'm in a little bit of a dilemma. It's a bit of a mess, so I'll just start at the beginning... I'm currently in what I would consider to be a casual, long-distance relationship with an older male that I met over a year ago. We chat constantly, text usually every day, and remain mostly in contact. He's very sweet and kind to me, which is something that I haven't gotten a lot of growing up due to my parents and their various situations; finances, relationship between them, etc. So, despite my best intentions at remaining just friends with him, I've grown rather attached to him. Several months ago, he brought up the topic of me visiting him when I turn eighteen next year, that soon turning into me staying with him for however long I'd like, and I have to admit, it's tempting. There are a few things that made me consider otherwise, however. One of them is a rather nasty part about myself, but I'm at least honest about it. We've exchanged several pictures with each other, and I don't find him very attractive. I know that's vain and shallow, but that's just how it is. Physical attraction plays a good-sized role in how I view others, and my view of him is affected by that. That being said, I do consider myself to be attracted to the less material part of himself, being his personality, his kindness, etc. A few other problems involved would be that he admits to actively doing drugs, and while they're nothing too hard or dangerous, it's still a little discouraging when someone close to you is consistently high every time you talk. He's also not got much in the way of prospects. He currently lives with his parents, and while he's hopeful that things will change in the next few years to allow me to move in, I'm skeptical. And while we usually go together rather well, there is one part of our personalities that clash sometimes. He's more of a spiritual type of person, while I'm a bit more rigid when it comes to discussions that head in that direction. Religion, humanity, the possibility of aliens being present, these are all things that we have noticeably different opinions on, and we do drift into those topics somewhat usually. Thus, with all that said, I'm on the fence about this. I do have a year, or more, to think this over a bit more, but I've had time to think about this for at least a month, and it's done little to help me pick an option. He and I have discussed this several times, and he usually just says that regardless of the situation, he'd always be more than happy for me to stay with him, but he's always vague on the specific details. Now, I'm not stuck on whether or not I should spend the rest of my life with him, but I haven't had any person before him that treated the same way, so he's special, however awfully clichéd that may be. If any of that was a bit hard to understand, please let me clarify my question. With the details I've given, what do you think I should do? Am I being absurd by moving out of the house immediately to move in with a man who I've never met before in real life, but have talked with for quite a while? Thank you in advanced PB. Looking forward to your reply. With thanks, Nick * * * Hi, Nick, Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Yes, you are being absurd. It is ALWAYS a bad idea taking the big step of moving in with someone when you haven’t been out on a single date. Papabear does not care a sniff for whatever emails he might get about this opinion arguing for online relationships because there is a HUGE difference between chatting or even Skyping with someone online and actually dating or moving in together. I haven’t done this for a while, but here is a big BEAR GRR on the subject: GRRR! THE INTERNET IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL FACE-TO-FACE INTERACTION WITH A PERSON IN THE REAL WORLD! It’s a very very troubling trend in this modern age to find more and more young people convinced that virtual reality = actual reality. It is simply not so. And I don’t care how amazingly “realistic” the Internet might become with virtual reality programs and high-speed video conferencing. I don’t care if some day (and this is close, actually) you will be able to put sensors on your hands (and perhaps other places) and feel the person on the other end (you can imagine the online yiffing among furries when that happens, I bet!) People can act very differently and deceptively online. Sure, they can do it in the real world, too, but it is far easier to do online. The only ONLY way to really get to know someone is to be with him or her in person. That said, even if you had managed to date this guy, you have already checked off some things that make him less than ideal for you: 1) he is older than you by apparently a significant span of time; 2) he is still living in his parents’ house and has no immediate prospects for financial stability (you’re right to doubt whether his promises of that changing will actually happen); 3) you don’t find him attractive (it’s okay you feel this way and doesn’t make you necessarily shallow unless physical attractiveness is your only touchstone); 4) he does DRUGS, for Pete’s sake! (although you imply it is just something like marijuana, but still....) and 5) you apparently have viewpoints on some important subjects that you don’t see eye-to-eye on. Nick, just because you are emotionally deprived at home, don’t make the mistake of leaping into the arms of the first person who gives you a few compliments and is nice to you. Even if this guy isn’t being deceptive (and my bear instinct tells me he is sincere; he strikes me as what I call a “pleasant loser”), it doesn’t mean he is a match for you. Don’t make huge life decisions like this without knowing what you are getting into. For all you know, his home life could be rotten, his parents could be awful people who might resent your being there. You could find yourself becoming a little servant boy to this guy and/or his parents. You could find out that once you move in this guy starts behaving differently. You might simply discover that his daily habits irritate the hell out of you. You don’t know. I’m not saying that if you get the opportunity to date and see this guy on a regular basis in person you shouldn’t take a chance, but do not go from long-distance relationship to living together in one fell swoop (or even a swell foop). That would be very unwise. Sometimes it seems to Papabear that the younger generation rushes into things far too readily, especially when it comes to relationships. At 17, you have a lot of time to date people and find that you have more options than you think. So, when it comes to a mate, be picky. You’ll never find someone who meets 100% of your criteria, but you can certainly come a helluva lot closer than this guy, and you deserve a good match. Hope that helps, Papabear Dear Papabear, When I was younger I was bullied, but I would always imagine myself as a superhero named Wolf Girl. She was the queen of a planet called Tacton, had green, light-green, blue, light-blue, and yellow scales. I always imagined saving people and sacrificing myself, usually imagining myself dying in many different ways (even saving those who bullied me). But as I’ve grown older my infatuation with being the hero has lessened and being the “damsel in distress” has increased. Now I see myself as a Leafeon furry, or a wolf furry that has an injured and horrific life, but I often find I’d rather live that life than my own.... My OC Leaf, who is the furry I’d rather be, lives a now peaceful life with a husband and daughter... I have feelings for the person who owns the husband OC. I even have my head in the clouds, imagining meeting him in real life. Why would my head be in the sky wanting the horrific life Leaf suffered instead of the life I live now?... And wanting to die for others all the time... or simply wanting to die (as in the RP she always seems to die a lot but comes back to life too)? Leaf * * * Hi, Leaf, My early life has some similarities to yours. As a cub, I was bullied as well and was very much the outsider, rejected by almost all my classmates because I was shy and unathletic. I, too, imagined myself as an amazing furry, only for me it was being a dragon, usually, who was very powerful and lived in a cave with his hoard of gold but would also help knights and other adventurers on their quests. Sometimes, too, I was a wolf or a stag with a proud rack of antlers who lived in a cartoon parallel world rather reminiscent of the ones you see in “Marry Poppins” and “Bedknobs and Broomsticks.” I would say it is not uncommon for someone who is a frequent victim of bullying to have such fantasies. In fact, I think that is why a lot of young people get into furry—because they are unhappy with their lives and themselves in some way and wish to become much more, such as a skinny kid who is picked on wanting to be a muscular wolf or gorilla or some such. In your case, you prove yourself to be better than your enemies not only physically but also morally in that you save the bullies from danger, too. Now, the death scenario. This is a psychologically valid construct in that it is a kind of bid for attention. Most people who are bullied are the kind that are socially ignored by their peers. They feel invisible. In your fantasies you become this amazing heroine, and the heroism becomes all the more dramatic when you lay down your life. The result of this is that you have shown those around you how incredibly noble you are and you get psychological gratification in knowing they will weep over your dead body and miss you very much. But! How can you enjoy their sadness over your death if you are dead? Therefore, you must come back to life to observe their sadness, and then, even better, their utter joy when they see that you are not really dead. It is, rather, something you see a lot in movies, too, such as the “death” and rebirth of the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast.” Baloo does a great job of it in "Jungle Book." Why would you prefer this to the later life of Leaf when has a happy life with a spouse and daughter? For the same reason we don’t care what happens to Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella/Snow White/Sleeping Beauty/Ariel and the Prince, Robin Hood and Maid Marian, and many more after they reach that “happy ever after” stage: it’s BORING.
There is your explanation, then, Leaf. Life is more interesting when it includes tragedy, for without tragedy there is no need to be a hero or heroine, and we love heroes and heroines and enjoy imagining ourselves as them. Hugs, Papabear Hi PapaBear:
I really want to get a fursiut but I can't seem to find any place in Mexico where they could sell them... Is there any place where I could get a fursuit in Mexico? Dairy Cow * * * Hi, again, Dairy Cow. Hmm, good question. I only know 2 furries in Mexico and both are artists but not fursuit makers. Now, you aren't going to find a "fursuit store" in Mexico where you can go in and by one off the rack any more than you can in the USA (although kinda cool idea). You need to commission them, just like anywhere else. I did a little searching and came across Diego Inclan Soto, who, while his Facebook page says his hometown is in Italy, I think he lives in Mexico and makes fursuits there (https://www.facebook.com/kinredfox/info). I have heard of Kinred Fox (http://www.furaffinity.net/user/kinredfox/), who is in Mexico, as well. And I also found https://www.facebook.com/pages/costume-maker-and-fursuit-maker/117032121712822 with a little digging. The furry fandom is slowly gaining a clawhold south of the border, and compared to the USA they have a long way to go. But while it may be challenging to find a fursuit maker in Mexico, it is not impossible. Just do some digging as I have done. And, if you need an artist to draw you a character reference sheet, I know a great one in Mexico named Dan the Bear :-3 Oh, and if anyone reading this knows of a great Mexican fursuit maker, please comment below! Thanks! Good luck! Papabear Hello Papa!
I’ve written you before with advice in regards to my mate and I appreciate the advice you gave! (Also me and my mate are doing great!) The reason why I’m writing is because I’m dealing with some family issues that are going on and its driving me nuts! My mom was adopted and we found her biological family like 17 years ago and we're connecting with them fairly well; the issue that's at hand is that my mom's adopted older sister married my dad's older brother (very confusing I know). I don't want to be racist. My aunt is of partial-native decent but has for years had this heir [sic] about her that she's better than us. She was also adopted and only searched for her biological parents so she could claim Mestis status with the government while my mom was searching to figure out who her family is and why she was given up. At first it was easy to ignore because I was too young to know what was going on. but now that I’m older and my mom is telling me and my older bro and sister-in-law everything that my dad and her have to deal with; it's getting frustrating. I know there's a lot of issues that went on during my mom's growing up but why does it have to have an effect on me? It's like I’m being punished just because of who my mom is. I want to say something but I can't and I’ve sat by for the past 10 or so years and had to be a door mat and just put up with it. It's to the point I want someone to make a stupid comment at a family gathering just so I can ream out everyone about what's going on to get all the toxic emotions out of me. The thing is I used to feel bad about it but now I want it to happen all the more. No one wants to listen to me about trying to move on and working out the situation. Feels like my choices are either move away from my family or ream them out. What's a fat Labrador Retriever to do? Am I allowed to blow up at a family gathering to get my feelings out or am I waaay out in left field on this one? Fat Puppy Owen (sorry about the baseball metaphor) * * * Dear Fat Puppy, Thank you, and glad you and your mate are doing fabulously :-3 You don’t make clear what the family argument is about between your mother and your aunt, but I will guess it has something to do with their thoughts about your aunt being of Mestis heritage but your mother is not? And somehow your aunt thinks she is better than your side of the family because of this, even though her main goal in claiming her heritage was monetary, if I have this right. This reminds me of a situation between my grandfather (my mom’s dad) and his brother. Though this isn’t an adoption story or a heritage story, it is a sibling rivalry one. There was a bitter rivalry between the two of them. Both were musicians—my grandpa a pianist and my great uncle a violinist—and played for the MGM orchestra during the Depression. My great uncle was the older brother; he was, I will admit, much more handsome, congenial, and, I hear (because I was never able to meet the man due to my grandfather’s jealousy), a lot of fun to be around. But he also had that same air of superiority and always made my grandfather feel like he was the second fiddle, so to speak. It rather left the two sides of the family a bit broken; they would argue about stupidest things like who had the bigger television set. My mother (an only child) got to hear a lot of the crap. Such rivalries can really destroy a family, and because of it my grandfather hardly spoke to his own brother for many years and I never got to know my own great uncle. You, dear puppy, are involved in the dispute because you are part of the family. No fault of your own, but family members always inherit the family crap, whether or not they wish to. It sounds to me as if you do not wish to take sides and just want to be left out of the entire thing, which is certainly your right, but it shouldn’t have to mean that you have to move away just to avoid the endless invective. As you state in the form you filled out, you are 23, which is more than old enough to have a right to have a say in the matter. Your opinion should count, most certainly, and you should be able to express it. However, there is no need to “ream them out.” If you shout and scream you are just falling into their little dark hole of nastiness, and you don’t want to do that. What you do is don’t play by their rules: Should anyone ask your opinion on the matter, you answer them with your true opinion in a firm and clear voice, without the use of qualifiers such as “perhaps,” “maybe,” or even “I believe.” Those all hedge the argument and make you sound weak and uncertain, like a sick lamb waiting for the wolves to pounce. So, just as an example, if your aunt says something like (and, again, I have NO idea what the argument is really about), “I think your mother is part of the European race that destroyed my Mestis ancestors’ lives,” and you feel that is unfair, reply, “My mother had nothing to do with what happened to the native people of this country, and you should judge her on what she has done with her own life. I support you in being proud about your background, but I don’t agree with how you tear other people down just because of their heritage any more than you would want to be torn down for yours.” No ifs, ands, or buts. If family members continue to try and press you, reply, “I have stated my opinion and I have no need to repeat myself, unless you didn’t hear me.” Don’t go into the whole, “You guys are acting like children!” argument, even if it is true, because you won’t get anywhere with it. All that will happen is that your aunt or your mother or both or other family members will be offended, get defensive, and make your life more miserable. Friedrich Nietsche said in his Also Sprach Zarathustra, “But like infection is the petty thought: it creeps and hides, and wants to be nowhere—until the whole body is decayed and withered by the petty infection.” Don’t let yourself be caught up in the pettiness of others. You have seen first hand what it does to them. Be your own man. Hugs, Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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