Papabear,
It's a common theme in my life that I'm too passive to react to negative situations that people place upon me; indeed, it is a daily occurrence and I am oft filled with regret for not speaking my mind. The background is as follows:
To be short, it isn't so much that I'm weak in my compliance, but that my reluctance isn't a part of me. I find myself being too nice to people and gain nothing from it. What is the point of being nice to others when it only becomes a detriment? How can I go about being assertive while maintaining a passive politeness about me? It would probably be easier just to beat someone with a stick and use that as an example for others, but I'm not allowed to do that. So, what is a tactful approach to these situations? Zerink * * * Dear Zerink, It is possible to be polite to people without being a doormat (and without using a stick LOL). Your question, “How can I go about being assertive while maintaining a passive politeness about me?” is phrased somewhat incorrectly. "Polite" doesn’t have to be used in conjunction with "passive." Indeed, you can be very assertive while also being polite, such as, “I really enjoy your company, but when we go out to dinner together tonight I must insist we go Dutch. Everyone will pay for his or her own meal.” Or, “It helps that you take out the trash and make your bed, but if we’re going to be roommates we have to split the chores 50/50. Otherwise, I think we need to find new roommates. And you can yell all you want, but volume alone doesn’t win an argument. You know I’m right about this, so do your share and I promise to do mine.” You don’t have to raise your voice, you don’t have to use swear words, just explain in simple, clear terms what your position is and don’t waiver. In fact, asserting your position in a calm, cool, and collected manner is much more effective than yelling; if done properly, it can even be a bit intimidating (evil chuckles). If your current friends only want to be with you when you are paying, and if you refuse to pay and they leave you, then that is the very definition of “users.” You know this, and I know this. It is, frankly, better to be alone than to be around people who just want you for your money. You need to have enough self-respect to see this, and I think you do. Work situations are a little different from friendships, of course. If your boss tells you to do something, you had better do it unless you have a darn good reason not to, like you just got hit by a bus. On the other hand, if you have a better way of doing something to get a goal accomplished for the company, you should propose it to your boss, which would hopefully impress him or her that you are trying to do what is best for the company and are showing initiative. I’m not sure what you mean when you say “it isn't so much that I'm weak in my compliance, but that my reluctance isn't a part of me.” I’m sorry, but that makes no sense to Papabear. You are, in fact, being weak by letting people walk all over you, and your reluctance to say “no” is part of you at this current time, so the statement rings untrue to this bruin’s ears. Now a part of your problem might be in how you try to stand up for yourself. You might be strong in your words, such as “No, I don’t want to pay for your meal,” but if you say it in a very soft, timid voice with your shoulders hunched and your eyes looking at your shoelaces, it won’t come off strong at all. Body language is very important in communication and can send a message 180 degrees the opposite of the words that come out of your mouth. If this is the case, you might benefit from a very famous book called How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. A lot of what the late Carnegie says in his book seems pretty common sense, but many people don’t realize some very basic facts about dealing with people. I think you might benefit from it, and you could probably even borrow a copy from your local library so you don’t have to buy one. I hope this helps. Feel free to write again if you have more questions. Good luck! Papabear
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Hello, Papa Bear,
I must say, I love going through all the questions and stories you have received and trying to find one that fits my little dilemma here. You see, I'm generally a little young to be a furry (just turned 13) and I don't know how to tell my family... They know I draw anthropomorphic creatures and animals and whatnot, but I've been secretly hoping to actually BECOME a furry. You know, go to conventions, have a fursuit, make badges, etc... but I don't know what they'll think. They have already seen my google searches on fursuits and furries but I have to put it on strict search and it doesn't make the situation any better. I have told some close friends about it and they all think its cool too, but word slipped out from a not-so-good friend into school and I was teased for being a freak and for being kinky and whatnot. I'm proud to be a furry, and am on a bunch of websites like FurAffinity and deviantArt, but that's when nobody but my friends know who I am. I just need your opinion, as I have had so many mixed ones before its making my head spin; should I tell my parents and hope for the best or wait till I'm older and then it will make more sense for me to be into the fandom? Sincerely, a worried furry, Alcatraz * * * Hi, Alcatraz, Welcome to the furry fandom. I hope you enjoy your stay :-) By the way, you don’t BECOME a furry; you either are a furry or you aren’t a furry. It doesn’t matter if you have a fursuit or not or if you go to a furcon or not. Those aren’t qualifications; they are just activities. Being a furry is something you ARE not something you DO. If you have read my previous columns on coming out furry, you know that telling your family about it has to be addressed on a case-by-case basis. You are the best judge of your own parents and how they might take the news. Are they loving, supportive, open-minded people? Or are they hyper-conservative, controlling, unsupportive people? Depending on your answer, you can be more or less open with your furriness with your parents. I have talked about coming out furry a number of times, so I would like to take this opportunity to make a broad statement about furries and the fandom that you can use when talking with your parents or friends and, hopefully, anyone else can pick up on as an argument for why furries are great. “WHY FURRIES ARE GREAT” by Grubbs Grizzly (aka Papabear) I posted on Facebook a while back asking people what a furry was to them. The best response I got was that furries “combine all that is best in animals and humans.” That is absolutely a spot-on description. People these days treat furries as if they are a new phenomenon when, in truth, there have been furries since ancient times. The Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Indians, Chinese, etc. all created stories with gods, demigods, spirits, and other creatures who combined human and animal forms. Why do this? Because human beings have admired the beauty, strength, and grace of animals for thousands of years. Who, for example, has not dreamed of being able to fly like a bird? How about running as fast as a cheetah? Or having the strength of an elephant? It is a very appealing prospect. This tradition was continued in fables by Aesop and fairy tales by the Brothers Grimm. More recently, “funny animals” came about in American comic books and then cartoons such as the famous characters created by people like Walter Lantz, Walt Disney, and Osamu Tezuka, to name just a couple. Science fiction and fantasy has addressed the topic many times as well, from “The Island of Dr. Moreau” by H.G. Wells to the lycanthropes in the “Twilight” series by Stephenie Meyer. Movies, TV shows, and comic books featuring what are, essentially, furry characters make billions of dollars for the U.S. and other economies. So anthro characters are nothing new, by any means. What IS new is that people are now creating their own unique characters, drawing their own art, telling their own stories, making fursuits, and meeting in conventions. The creative energy of the fandom is spectacular, and what is even more fabulous is how anyone can be a furry. Okay, so why do non-furries treat us so badly in some cases? Mainly, it is because we are out of the ordinary, and society doesn’t like things that are unusual. It is the nature of humans to try to find something that stigmatizes a group of people who are not like them and then use that to accuse them of being inferior or deviant. For example, racists focus on skin color or other physical attributes; people who are prejudiced about Jewish people say they are all money-grubbers; people who don’t like liberals claim they are unpatriotic, and so on. All ridiculous accusations. In the case of furries, what outsiders found was the whole sex thing, so they grabbed onto that and used it as a weapon. If it had not been sex, it would have been something else, but in our case it has been sex because that was something that touches a nerve in many people, especially conservative, uptight people. What about sex, then? Tell you what: furries are no more sexual than anybody else on the planet, the only difference is we depict sex in our art and literature between characters in furry form because (duh) that is how we see ourselves. What is stupid is that people find this surprising, yet it is no different than what other groups of people do. Fans of Star Wars have fantasies about Princess Leia in her golden bikini; Star Trek fans have also had a long tradition of porn (http://io9.com/5120311/to-boldly-go-there-a-history-of-star-trek-porn-with-clips-[nsfw]), and there is porn for everything from Avatar to Zelda. Now that the whole sex thing is out of the way, let’s move on to why are furries truly awesome. Furries are awesome because they are in a fandom that, unlike Star Trek or Star Wars, is not run by a big corporation like Paramount Studios or Lucasfilm Ltd. Therefore, we are not constrained by trademarks (other than not violating existing ones of corporations as in the above) and are free to do as we will. Furries are awesome because our love for anthro characters makes us a big family. The nature of furry, too, is such that we welcome all species, and this is reflected in our acceptance of all types of people. Since I became active in the community, I have made more friends than I have ever had in my life. Many of them have become like family to me. Furries are very giving people. If you need some evidence for your parents on how wonderful furries are, here you go: 1. Furries, mostly through convention organizations, have donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to charities: http://en.wikifur.com/wiki/Charity 2. Furries are supportive of their local communities, and furcons are very good for local businesses. A recent story about AnthroCon in Pittsburgh featured a fundraising effort led by Uncle Kage to save a local restaurant from closing: http://www.flayrah.com/3993/furry-fans-give-generously-fernando-over-20000-raised. 3. Furries love to entertain and bring joy to kids and families. Fursuiters, for instance, have appeared at children’s charity events. A friend of mine, Tycho Brahe, in Michigan captures the spirit of furry with his performance work, as seen here: http://youtu.be/Cj5EzCWlp4g. 4. And in case anyone ever doubts how true-of-heart a furry can be, all they have to read about is the heroic furry who sacrificed his own life for his mate: http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/07/hit-and-run-originally-published-7-18-12.html. Furries are great! The only argument against furries that people make is that we’re different from them. So What?? If we weren’t different, we wouldn’t be furries! Oh, and just to add some more evidence for the argument that furries are great, here is a short list of people who are NOT furries:
Nothing great about these non-furries! So, being a non-furry doesn’t make you superior to furries, as you can see. To date, I have never heard of a mass-murderer or dictator who was a furry. So there. You know, I could go on and on about why furries are great and why people should accept them for who they are, but I think you got the point, right, Alcatraz? Be furry proud, and if people give you guff about it, tell them some of the things I have outlined here for you today as evidence that the skeptics and critics need to get a clue that furries rule! Furry Proud! Say it Out LOUD! Hugs! Papabear Hey papa bear. (Yay a fellow bear to talk to. ^^)
Well anyways, over the years I've gradually lost my real family. No, not by death, but support n trust-wise. Ever since they found out I was gay, they tried everything they could to tear me n my mate apart from each other. I did all I could to put u with the pressure n stress but after the incident where my dad nearly beat up my mate physically, it sent me over the edge n made me basically cut ties with them for good, believing in the fact that they will NEVER accept my mate as the person I want to be with. I now live with my mate n rarely talk to my family at all. With that laid out, I now looked to the fandom to basically find ppl who would basically replace that empty spot titled "family". I thought it was possible, but all the friends that I put my heart-felt trust turned out to be selfish ppl that would do what's best for themselves only. Now, I really don't know what to do. Do I try to regain my original family back? Or do I leave that spot empty for the rest of my life? I guess I could try, but either option is hard and will take it's toll on me. Toklomon * * * Dear Toklomon, There are two kinds of families: those who are related by blood, and those who are related by soul. Ideally, these two types of families come together as one, but that is not always the case, as you have found out. It’s always sad when family turns against one of their own. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be, and my heart goes out to you. Papabear had a similar experience to yours that led to my not speaking to my father for over twenty years. A few years ago, I learned he had terminal cancer, so I visited him three times, we sort of reconciled, and I bid him good-bye once and for all when he died. Not talking to my father was my choice, but it was the result of his actions that gravely hurt me and my then-mate. Your family drove you away, and I understand how you wouldn’t want to talk to them ever again. However, while you do not have to make the first move to reconciliation necessarily, I would not close that door forever if I were you. If one or more of your family members approaches you at some point and asks to be a part of your life again, you should keep your heart open to that, as long as part of that agreement is that they accept you as you are. People change, and, with luck, perhaps some of your family will grow and realize that they should not hate you just because you’re gay. Likewise, though you have had bad experiences with trying to make new friends in the fandom, hoping that some of them might even become a surrogate family, I encourage you to keep trying. There are a lot of good, selfless furries in the fandom; I know because I am friends with many of them. You’re a bear, and I’m a bear, and perhaps you could find some other bears to be friends with, such as through my Yahoo group BearFurries at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BearFurries/ (ask to join and I promise I’ll approve you ;-). We’re also on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/118395478255640/. Relationships take time, and worthwhile relationships can take years to grow and become fruitful. I would advise you at this time in your life to actively pursue new relationships, while keeping your eyes and ears open (i.e., a passive role) to a reconciliation with your blood relations. Yours in Bear Brotherhood, Papabear Hey Papabear!
I've had this dream of training hard to be a muscle gut in real life like one of my fursonas for about..... well a couple of years now. I want to get to the point of competing in the Canadian and World's Strongest Man competitions. My goal isn't to win (though that would be a sick bonus) but mainly just to compete. My immediate family and most of my friends supports this goal and keep reminding me that "Rome wasn't built in a day" in regards of training. The thing is, there's been people on FA that I chat with on messengers and at streams that give me a hard time because they think I should just stick with being a fat fur. My mate thinks it’s sexy and that I should continue to train for this goal; but honestly, it feels more like he's doing it for the looks than to support me in my dreams. I don't know how to react in these situations and I feel completely lost. My question (finally getting to the point) is: is it bad for me to ream out those people who tell me to give up on the dream/my mate for not supporting me the way I want him to? or is that going to make me out as a douche and people are going to start rejecting me? what do I do?? thanks for your time. Sincerely, Sven Howling * * * Dear Sven, It’s great to have goals and dreams like the one you have, and I wish you well in achieving them. You say that your immediate family and many friends already support you in your goals, so that is great! No matter what you do in life, there will be some people who don’t support or understand your goals, so there is nothing you can really do about that. Count yourself lucky that the vast majority do—you’re way ahead of the game! As for your mate, well, at least he likes the idea of your being more muscular. It would be nice if he also supported your plans for competition, but at least he’s part of the way there. Does he not understand what you are trying to do and why? Maybe he just needs a little more input from you as to why you are doing this. You can sit him down and tell him that you would really love his support. No, you shouldn’t “ream out” those who don’t support you because, yes, that would make you look like a douche. If someone doesn’t support you, you can just say, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m really excited about my plans and I am going to carry them out with the help of my family and friends” and let them read between the lines. That’s all you need to say. Yelling at people for not supporting you just makes you look bitter and mean and is not very attractive. Be cool. ;-) Good luck! Papabear Hey Papa Bear.
I'm in a mateship with a wonderful pup and it's a bit of a long distance relationship. We both agreed we weren't going to post on FA that we're mates until we've had time face-to-face together and have pictures of us together to prove that we're mates. The thing is; my mate has been in previous relationships and I’ve become friends with one of his ex's who isn't really over my mate. My mate and I are getting antsy about when we want to announce our mateship together, but we want to wait like we planned. I'm scared though to announce it because I don't want to lose all the friends that I've made because they're upset with my choice. What do I do? Do I announce it as planned? Do I announce it earlier? or do I not even announce it at all? Anonymous * * * Hi, Anonymous, Let me ask you this: are you ashamed of your choice for a mate? Because if you are, you should hide him, maybe store him under a rock somewhere near the North Pole, bringing him out occasionally to play with in secret and only when no one else is out and about to see the two of you together. If, on the other paw, you love your mate and are proud to be in a relationship with him, then why are you concerned what your friends say or whether or not they approve? If you were playing a game of cards in which the cards were made up of friends and mates, a hand in which you only held a pair consisting of you and your mate would beat a flush consisting of only friends. True friends will support your choice of mates and will be happy for you (unless there is something about this mate that is dangerous, but then I doubt you would describe him as a “wonderful pup”). False friends, concerned about past dramas such as who's been friends or mates with whom, will criticize you and will not support you in your pursuit of love and happiness. If you lose them because they don’t like your mate, then good riddance. You have your mate, and that is better than a thousand shallow friends. (BTW, not sure why you bring up being friends with one of his exes, unless that is what is causing the issue with other friends). If you love your mate now and he loves you now, then the time to tell people you two are together is ... now. You don’t have to treat it like the announcement of a wedding engagement, but there is certainly no reason you should hide the love you have for each other. Love is a beautiful thing and should be celebrated. Hugs, Papabear Hello Papa Bear.
I'm in a bit of a dilemma, It's rather complicated so I'll just start at the beginning... I always felt a little different from others, just felt like I had some slight trait that made me different from those around me, be it friends or family. Growing up with this constant feeling, I learned to adapt and after several more years, to actually favor the difference. I liked that I was different, all the 'Be Yourself' and 'You're perfect' encouragements I'd been getting so far had actually worked. I acknowledged that I was different and I also liked it. To that point, though, I hadn't realized what made me feel different. That changed over a year ago. It was a typical weekday. I was on YouTube/Facebook. Messaging friends and looking for the new song that I'd get hooked on for a few days then discard it and look for another. My favorite genre of music this month was techno. So I was searching the vast expanse of YouTube for the electronic beats and bass that I was craving. Noticing a video that had a picture of what seemed to be a green wolf-like creature, I was curious right off the bat and the video looked pretty good too. Clicking on it and waiting a few seconds, I get a better look at the emerald wolf. It was indeed a wolf, who appeared to be a DJ in a nightclub filled with other strange human-animal mixes. The music that came with the interesting picture was great too so I was hooked on this song for at least a week. After listening to that song 10-20 times, I started to wonder where these pictures were from. Was it a cartoon? That was the only place I've seen these animal-hybrids before. Scrolling through the comments, It doesn't take long before I notice a word that I had yet to read. The word was 'Furry' and it was used in a rather proud manner. My curiosity piqued, I open up a new tab and Google this newly added word. I don't want to go horribly clichéd but I can truly say that what I found, changed me. I don't know what direction it changed me, but it definitely changed me. I soon came to learn that 'Furry' was a term for someone who was interested in the Anthropomorphic personification of animals. That was a pretty incomprehensible sentence that I read at the time, given my low intelligence [Papabear note: Nick does not seem to be low on intelligence to me] and I simply ignored it. I merely focused on the pride of being a 'Furry'. And boy was I prideful. Not on the outside, no, no, no. But on the inside, I was smiling. I had finally found something that I could tag this feeling of difference to. The years of not knowing had finally came to an end and I was happier then ever. But happiness doesn't last very long. I don't know what compelled me to Google a certain few words but those words led my interest from an innocent, childlike admiration to a dark cloud on what I call my life. I'll be blunt and simply say that I stumbled into the dark and erotic side of Furry. I'll spare you the details, I'm sure you can deduce what a teenager would do when no one is home and has access to large quantities of porn. Ahem. I simply justified my actions as normal. Everyone experiments, right? This was just normal teenager experimentation. I knew that my method of experimentation was a little odd but that was fine. Another teen was attracted to plump rears and large breasts, I was attracted to Fur and Tails. About a week after that, I once again was compelled to search the annals of the Internet for Furry-related material. Although his time, my search would reveal a much more negative opinion. After reading all the horribly rude critiques of Furry, I was a little ashamed, my previously stone-solid pride in before a Furry reduced to a crumbling tower of self-doubt. I went through my days wondering if I was a pedophile or some sick freak. I got better though, and days looked up. I stumbled upon a neat little site called SoFurry and I entertained the idea of being a writer for several days, before opening Microsoft and writing the first chapter of Furry literature I had ever written. Now bear in mind that I wasn't very talented at the time, I still have doubt in my ability as of now, so It was very cluttered and full of run-ons and other grammar crimes. But it made me happy, I had once again taken something full of negativity and turned it into something full of joy and happiness. And once again, I had it taken away from me. Seems to be a recurring cycle in my life. The problem I'm about to stumble on is currently the problem I'm dealing with. After writing several much more refined chapters and exchanging friendly emails with the other writers of SF, I started to wonder, was I supposed to be human? I knew that deep down, I had a large wanting to be a Hybrid. I also knew that biologically, I was stuck. And that feeling of getting nowhere just made me feel worse. I started to think that my entire human life was punishment by some deity for my "Sins", that I was originally going to be born covered with fur but for some reason, I was born smooth, solely to punish me for previous offenses. And that feeling dragged me down even lower. I would get up every morning and do what I usually did. But I'd do it with a momentum that came from me thinking that If I worked hard enough, prayed enough, helped enough people, that maybe I would get my wish came true? And after trying so hard to please everyone around me, I would go to bed, exhausted both emotionally and physically. I would then say the simple prayer I say every night, but I would add a tiny request on the end, and I would then drift off into sleep. I came close to making myself stay up, as I dreaded going to sleep, as sleep gave me hope that I could become something that I wasn't and that hope, as false and small as it was, would still burn deep inside me. It'd only make the sting of getting up the next morning and feeling my soft, smooth skin even more painful. After going through that brutal cycle for weeks, I decided that I was going to stop all of it. I went cold turkey on anything Anthropomorphic. I deleted every single word I had ever typed about Furs who would find love, about how cruel the world could be, every single world. Did I feel better? I like to say that I did, though I really feel that I didn't. I went with that for a couple weeks until I broke and sank back into the warm, carnal, furred environment of Furry. I once again purged everything, only to break once again and that would lead to me writing this letter. So that's my story. I'm writing to you to you out of hope that someone will read this and give me some advice. I think the sole act of writing this has made me feel better, I suppose I just needed to vent all these emotions and stress that I've built up. So, can anyone help me? I'm hoping to whatever Deity is in the sky, be he/she/it benevolent or malevolent, that your still managing this site. I admit that I feel better but I still want the feeling of knowing that another being knows how I'm feeling. I hope you respond back Bear. Thank you for your time. Nick * * * Dear Nick, An interesting journey you have described here into the world of Furry. Papabear bets it is reflective of what some other furries have experienced, including myself. Furries have asked me whether, if I had the chance, I would want to be an anthrobear, and the answer (despite a lecture Uncle Kage once gave about how inconvenient, practically speaking, and awful it would be to actually accomplish such a goal) is “in a heartbeat.” I believe the number of furries who feel this way are in the minority, but there are quite a few who do. As I get older and more curmudgeonly, Papabear finds less and less to like about the human race (and Americans in particular—furries being an exception, of course). Recent events in my life have caused me to downright despise certain people. Other than being connected to furries like you through the Internet, I don’t much like the modern technological age, either. And, as you point out, humans just aren’t very attractive as a species. Let’s face it, we’re basically bald apes with pushed-in faces. Bleah. I imagine having a bucolic life as a bear in the woods, where I have simple needs of food and shelter in a pristine environment unspoiled by Man. But that is not reality. What you and I are both experiencing is the yearning that Germans call “Weltschmerz.” Not to be too droll about this, but there is an amusing clip from “The Big Bang Theory” about this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCc9nyxqR44. Unable to reconcile our dreams with reality, we can get depressed or suffer from an unfulfilled yearning made even worse by the knowledge our dreams will be forever out of reach, at least in this lifetime. Our saving grace is imagination. Human beings have a vast capacity for imagination and creativity as evidenced by the one thing that Papabear feels truly separates us from other animal species: the arts—literature, painting, sculpture, theater, music ... all the way to fursuit crafting. These things provide us with a release for our inner desires and make the world a richer place for everyone when we share them. I would encourage you, Nick, to continue to pursue your writing and to create as vivid and fantastic a fictional furry world as you can. The other thing that gives Papabear comfort concerning this is something that probably a lot of my readers would not necessarily agree with, but I’ll share it any way. I believe that the thing we call a “soul” is a piece of the larger Spirit that imbues all existence, and that we find ourselves encased in our present forms in order to experience, learn from, and grow our capacity to create new and unique things. Then, when we die, we maintain that capacity to create, which we may then express in the reality beyond this one. In other words, we are able to create our own individual heavens. We cannot do this, however, without having this time on Earth first, so do not rush into it, by any means. But, someday, Nick, I believe you and I may shrug off our mortal coils and become what we truly feel we are inside. May that small thought comfort you, Papabear Papabear,
For many years of my life I have been haunted by the fact that every time I have neared the pinnacle of success in my life, something has occurred, whether through my own fault or circumstances beyond my control, which takes my hopes, dreams, and goals and shatters them to tiny pieces each and every time. Having recently finished reading “Waterways,” and hearing certain music from FA artist Nevirwolf, I have found myself questioning my life as a whole. Why am I around? Have I only validated myself by the fact of being in relationships with friends and my recent boyfriend? Am I living a lie by hypocritizing my own advice? Where am I going with my life? Who am I truly inside? When I was a young child many people in the town I was growing up in hated my existence. I was hunted, beaten down, physically broken, shot, stabbed, and many other forms of mental torture. Eventually they broke my will to live and I tried to commit suicide 7 times. I moved away from there, but the pain and torture have left mental scars. Once I had gotten out of my depression, I swore on my life that I would do all in my power to stop what happened to me from happening to others. Since that day I have thrown myself into harm’s way more than once for the sake of strangers. But WHY? I am so confused within my already perplexing mind, and this self questioning is tearing me up. My fears of loss validated hundreds of times in my life. Last year I had to watch as 12 years of work shattered, and this sent me back to suicidal thoughts. Did I keep myself alive for the sole sake of my mother's wish to not feel the pain of loss once more? My real name is in memory of a good friend of hers who had committed suicide. My main question is, how can I face my fear of losing everything I work for when all my life it has come to fruition time and time again? Taiku Altergrund * * * Dear Taiku, Your question might seem simple on the surface, but your letter asks some very deep and difficult questions that are hard to address in an advice column, yet Papabear will try his best. To give you truly relevant advice that would be specific to you, I would have to know more about all the things that you have tried, how they failed, and why you feel they failed. But dealing in generalities can still be of help to you, as well as to all furry readers, with luck. Taiku, you have had an extremely difficult young life that has, as you said, scarred you deeply. One possibilities for your later problems in life may be that your wounds have left you at a disadvantage to begin with, which makes you less likely to succeed in your adult life. You have probably heard the quote “What does not kill us makes us stronger.” Not all people believe this, including psychologist Noam Shpancer, Ph.D., who wrote this article in Psychology Today: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201008/what-doesnt-kill-you-makes-you-weaker. But you managed to survive and embarked on the highly admirable goal to help others who are also suffering. You ask why you do this, and the answer could simply be that you do it because you have a good heart. But you also say you have thrown yourself into harm’s way repeatedly to help people, which could be an extension of your desire to commit suicide. Again, as I have said in my column before, I am not a trained psychologist or therapist of any sort, so these are just guesses on my part. You would probably benefit from professional help, given your traumatic background, whether or not you have sought out any as yet. As for your fear of losing things you work for, the fear itself might be causing a self-fulfilling prophecy in which you are so afraid that it causes you to mess things up, in a way self-sabotaging your plans. As President Franklin D. Roosevelt said, very wisely, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” So, one thing you can do is try to stop fearing failure. This is not easy, and it is a topic that cannot be thoroughly addressed in a column like this one (again, therapy could be beneficial). One thing to try is behavior modification in which you do everything you can to surround yourself with good feelings—go do things you enjoy, surround yourself with happy people, even ACTING happy and confident can actually CAUSE you to feel that way. Just because you have failed in some things that you have wanted to do does not mean that you yourself are a failure, only the things you have tried are failures. Let me give you an example from my own life: I dreamed of being a successful author and worked very hard on it for many years, the result being a couple published books and no money (they only sold a few hundred copies). I eventually realized I wasn’t really suited to be an author and I moved on to other things. I do believe I may have found something I am good at with this column you are now reading. So, it could just be that you haven’t found the right thing for you yet and, difficult as it may be, you need to keep trying. Now, you also say you are afraid of “losing everything I work for.” Well, what are you working for? If you are working for money and material gain, then don’t worry about it; those things are meaningless. If you are working for prestige and power, then those are misguided goals you should not be working toward anyway. But if you are working for family and friends, then if they are really family and friends to you, you have nothing to fear. True family and friends never leave your side, and they appreciate what you do for them. Taiku, when you realize that things like money, careers, material goods are really not so important in the scheme of things and focus on the things that DO matter—love friendship, and spirituality—you will have gone a long way toward finding yourself and your happiness. You’re asking the big questions in life: “Why am I around? ... Where am I going with my life? Who am I truly inside?” These questions can be answered only when you observe what the Buddhists call right mindfulness. In fact, come to think of it, I think you would benefit greatly from a little study in the Noble Eightfold Path (http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/eightfoldpath.html). It is Papabear’s belief that there is only one correct goal in life (enlightenment), but that we each may take a different path towards it (various religious, spiritual, and philosophical pursuits). While Papabear has been pursuing some study in Wicca and Shamanism, for you, I believe that Buddhism might hold a strong appeal. I’m not saying you need to be a Buddhist, but I believe that the way that Buddha put things into perspective may appeal to you in your case. I hope that helps you some. I wish you much love and happiness in your future endeavors. Papabear Dear Papabear...
I have heard many times over the furry fandom be described as "the most accepting of all fandoms." It is claimed that the fandom will welcome anyone with open arms, regardless of gender, race, nationality, sexual orientation, income, religion/spiritual status, and so forth. Sadly, what I have experienced in the fandom has been far from acceptance. So much so, that I fear providing my name or even fursona species for this letter. A little background info on me. I'm not just a fur, I am also an otherkin. I have reason to believe that I actually am an animal in spirit, either through a past life or concurrent life parallel to this one. I "awakened" in 1997, and was introduced into the furry fandom by proxy via my otherkin brethren (BTW, I'm not saying that all otherkin are furs or vice-versa, that's just how it turned out for me). Liking what I saw, I developed a fursona that serves as a representation of who I feel I am, and that became my identity within the fandom. Unfortunately, this is where my first experiences of non-acceptance began. Many times during the early years, I read or heard other furs saying that otherkin are the "crazies" in the fandom who take being a fur too far. They always jump on the "extreme cases" of otherkin trying to change themselves into animals via tattoos and cosmetic surgery. They go out of their way to disparage otherkin, and paint them as unwelcome members of the fandom. Although not to as great of a degree as when I first entered, I still to this day perceive an aura of negativity towards otherkin within some segments of the fandom. Sadly, this isn't even the worst of it. In addition to the stigma of being an otherkin, I also happen to have a particular set of kinks and fetishes that a majority of the fandom not only frowns upon, but tends to have an extreme negative reaction to. I shall not say what they are here, but I will say that they are NOT illegal. As I got older in the fandom, I felt the desire to begin expressing myself artistically. And thus, I began drawing, and posting my art online. Eventually, I began drawing and posting art relating to my kinks (in appropriate locations, of course), because I wanted to. At first, my kink art was greeted with enthusiasm by a select few other members of the fandom who do share the same interests as me... ...but then, the backlash began. Hard, severe backlash. We're not just talking the occasional trollish comments of "Eww that's gross" or "What's your problem dude?" We're talking armies assembled to flood my comment boxes with harassing messages, insults directed at me, even the occasional threat of physical harm. I actually received the following message one day: "If I ever see you at a con, I am going to kill you, and the police won't arrest me because they'll agree with me that filth like you deserves to die." Then came the day when they found a RL photo of me, and posted it online with my RL name and fur name, along with links to all of my art, and even making sure to note that I'm otherkin. It was a call to arms, and I was their target. I panicked. I deleted as much of my online existence as I could, and effectively withdrew myself from the fandom. Most people say that the best way to meet others and for them to get to know you is to "be yourself." Well, I WAS myself...and look what it got me. The furry fandom...the fandom I've repeatedly heard described as the most accepting fandom...did not accept me. They rejected me. They wanted nothing to do with me. I was an undesirable in their eyes, because I'm an otherkin who happens to have kinks and fetishes far outside the norm that I enjoy expressing via art. The past couple of years, I've been trying tentatively to find a way to get myself back into the fandom, because...God damnit, I WANT to be in the fandom. Despite all these bad things that happened to me, I WANT to be in the fandom. I've heard so many wonderful things about it. Outside the fandom, my life has been miserable, and I see the fandom as a ray of hope that could potentially brighten my life. But, I find myself constantly held back by fear over what happened before. Will it happen again? Will other furs not want anything to do with me? Will they post insulting and harassing comments? Or worse, physically attack me if I DO try to attend a con? I want to be myself without having to hide my otherkin status or give up the art I enjoy creating, but I also want to be in the fandom, and be accepted for who I am. If these two states cannot coexist...then what am I to do? Take care... Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous, Papabear maintains that the furry fandom IS "the most accepting of all fandoms" when it comes to the fact that anyone can say they are a furry despite any of those traits and characteristics you list (in stark contrast to groups such as, say, the Boy Scouts of America). But the bad treatment you described is not unknown, sad to say. It’s not the fact that they are furries that made these people, let’s face it, doublederpbutts, it’s just that within any given population of people there is a certain percentage who are liquidfecessuckers. Some of these people who give a bad name to “furry” are self-proclaimed “authorities” on what is and what is not a furry and spout nonsense such as otherkin are “crazies.” Who put them in charge of the fandom, anyway? What Papabear always shakes his head at is that these very people came to the fandom and were likely ostracized by nonfurries for the things they enjoy, and then they turn around and do the same thing to their fellow furries. If I could, I would like to sit down with them and say, “Do you enjoy it when people make fun of you or hurt your feelings because you like to wear a tail or watch Kung Fu Panda over and over even though you’re 27? No? Well, you’re doing the same thing to my buddy here just because he’s an otherkin. Don’t you see the parallel here?” Shame on them. As for fetishes [note to readers: Anonymous told me what they were and he is right, they are not illegal, though they are not for everyone] most nonfurries seem to consider furries in general to be “furverts” and shun us because many of us find the idea of naked anthropomorphic characters very sexy. So, again, we’re dealing with hypocrisy when some furries turn around and persecute you for having a fetish within a fetish. I wish more furries would adopt the Wiccan Rede “If it harms no one, do what thou wilt” and not persecute people for not being like them. This sentiment is not purely Wiccan, of course, but is echoed throughout the faiths of the world:
and on and on. See a pattern? Over and over religious and spiritual leaders tell us to treat each other with the same respect that we would expect and want from them, and yet everywhere I turn I see people behaving selfishly and without love for their fellow furry or human. While Papabear believes that, in many ways, the furry community behaves better than other humans (mundanes, if you will) we are far from perfect. But Papabear is starting to ramble, I fear. Okay, so, to the question at hand: what do you do? Well, as far as being harassed by furies, depending on the degree, there ARE laws against being threatened or bullied by someone. If you feel you are genuinely at risk of injury (and it is not just general buttmunchery on the part of the other person) you CAN go to the authorities and get a restraining order (see my earlier column on this http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/05/bad-furs-flaming.html). Specifically, I am thinking of the threat you related: "If I ever see you at a con, I am going to kill you, and the police won't arrest me because they'll agree with me that filth like you deserves to die." It’s good you kept that and please do keep a record of any such threats and who is sending them to you. You could use such evidence for legal action, if necessary. But, to bring things down a bit, you should also realize that, more than likely, these people are full of hot air and, also most likely, aren’t actually going to do anything to you. They are just derps. Papabear mentions legal actions and such only because there are a few people who are indeed psycho, such as the Batman movie killer in Colorado, and you need to protect yourself. Oh! and don’t forget, when it comes to being harassed on a particular website, you can report such people to the website administrators and complain about that behavior, which can get them banned. You should have the right to be who you are and participate in the fandom as you wish without fear. Here’s another idea: have you thought of being a bit more bad ass and defending yourself? Bullies are cowards and harass people they think are weaker than they are in order to feel better about their pathetic little selves. If you are afraid of physical confrontation, taking self-defense courses such as a martial art could build a lot of self-confidence and scare bullies away. Not only that, but it is marvelous exercise. Finally, if you haven’t already, see if you can locate and hang out with otherkin like yourself, and maybe some furries who share your particular kinks. Maybe join the Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/otherkin for other people like you and spend more time socializing with them. Steer clear of the haters as much as conveniently possible, but don’t back down from them, either. ASSERT yourself and your RIGHT to be a furry and to be who you are! And if some furries still give you a hard time, send them to me. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I suffer depression issues and need to be in control. Well this month is the 3 year anniversary of two of my best friends deaths so I'm kinda freaking. Mix that with my boyfriend has been driving me crazy with little things like not really answering when I say things to him. I have always been bad about being in a room with friends and feeling completely alone and unloved, right now is worse then I have ever been. I am fight my ocd of touching or doing things in 5's. Thanks, A very stressed Ari * * * [Note to readers: Ari and Papabear also talked in other emails in which Ari confirmed she has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; she also said that her main question was how to relieve her stress.] Dear Ari, Your OCD is likely what is leading to your obsessing about your friends’ deaths and your boyfriend issues. By definition, you are obsessing about something that happened three years ago and about which you cannot do anything. While it, of course, takes time to heal from such a painful experience, “freaking” about it will not do you any good and is symptomatic of your neurosis. Likewise, you are probably obsessing about little things your boyfriend does that most people would shrug off as unimportant. For these two issues, Papabear admits he is not qualified to offer you any treatment (although it’s pretty clear your desire for “control” is a reaction to the death of your friends and desire to control the world around you so that such tragedies no longer enter your life), since this belongs under the purview of a trained therapist. Therefore, as you and I spoke about in our other emails, let us focus instead on your alienation problem. I’m glad you brought this topic up, Ari, because it is a problem that I think is particularly pronounced withing the furry community. What is “alienation”? Sociologist Melvin Seeman (no jokes, please—oh, all right, go ahead) defined six aspects of alienation, including: 1. Powerlessness: "Nothing I do makes a difference." "You can't fight city hall." 2. Normlessness: "Being 'good' just won't cut it anymore." "Nice guys finish last." 3. Meaninglessness: "I can't make sense of it all anymore." "What's it all about?" 4. Cultural estrangement: "My culture's values aren't mine." "What is 'success,' anyway?" 5. Self-estrangement: "My work doesn't mean much to me." "What I learn in school isn't relevant." 6. Social isolation: "I'm alone." "I don't fit in." "No one visits me anymore." (source: http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/alienation.html) A lot of this comes from allowing others to define for you what is right and wrong, what is success and failure, what you should believe in, how you should behave, what friends and lovers you should have, even what god to believe in. The solution is to stop listening to them and, instead, listen to your own heart and that inner voice in you that provides your self-identity and guides you toward what is right for you. Ari, your email does not provide a whole lot of information to go on, but Papabear also senses that you are feeling “alone and unloved” because you haven’t found the right people to be around yet. I mean, if you feel unloved around people who are supposed to be your friends, then why do you consider them to be your friends? The very definition of “friend” is a person with whom you have an emotional bond, someone you trust, an ally and companion. If you aren’t getting that, then they are not your friends. The best way to counteract this is to find people in your life with whom you share interests and, possibly, even a background. Not to put too thick a coat on it, but have you ever talked to other people who have OCD? Shared a little with them and offered each other some emotional support? Also, you are a furry, so are you hanging out with other furries with whom you have other things in common? Once you do this, your friends can do a lot to help relieve your stress by having someone to share with, hang out with, and bond with. Other than that, a lot of your stress is probably caused by your OCD, which is a very stressful disorder. Seeing a therapist is the best thing for this, although in one of your emails you said you didn’t have the money for treatment. If you haven’t already tried them, check out the International OCD Foundation at http://www.ocfoundation.org/. The site offers some basic information, help finding a therapist, and also links to phone support and online help that appears to be free or low-cost to you. I hope that helps you at least get a boost on finding some help, Ari. Good Luck, Papabear Hi, Everyone,
I'm not doing a letter today. I just wanted to take a moment to talk about what happened last Monday to Beastcub's sister, Gemily West; her boyfriend, Harison Long-Randall; and Gemily's dogs, Evie, Bindie, Zury, and Winry. Here is the story (not for the weak-of-stomach) http://www.sacbee.com/2012/07/18/4638401/2-badly-injured-4-dogs-killed.html. First of all, my friends Palomino Pony and LostWolf have been posting regular updates, including the latest news from the Sacramento Bee at http://blogs.sacbee.com/crime/archives/2012/07/hit-and-run-victims-remain-hospitalized.html. Harison lost his leg saving Gemily's life. He is a true hero. I feel they will both recover, though they are going through a lot of pain, not only physical but also emotional because all four dogs are now dead. I don't know what caused this person who drove the car to do this. Papabear knows that people are not perfect, and sometimes we do the wrong thing and sometimes we do things by accident. Sometimes, though, there are people out there who, for lack of a better term, are just plain evil. The man or woman behind the wheel of the car did something unforgivably wicked. I can think of no reasonable excuse for running down two people and four dogs with a car going 80 miles an hour. None. [Update: the man driving the car was a soused moron with a criminal record. Here's the story http://blogs.sacbee.com/mt/mt-search.cgi?IncludeBlogs=36&search=Gemily+West&keywords=Gemily+West&aff=5] How do we deal with evil in the world? For one thing, we step up to help those who were the victims, and Papabear is proud to say that he has seen a lot of furries try and help the families struck by this tragedy. What we should not do is try and seek revenge or become angry and bitter about what happened. When we do this, it is not the perpetrator who loses, it is us. Papabear was very angry at first at this news, then sad. That is natural and we have to work through those emotions. Now it is time to get to work. We all need to come together counteract the evil that was done to Gemily, Harison, their pets, and their families. I ask you all to pray for them in whatever manner you are comfortable with. I ask you all to send them love, to give them an outpouring of support, affection, generosity, and kindness. Here's whom to contact: Harison Long-Randall/Gemily West Fund c/o Pam Dinsmore Community Affairs Director The Sacramento Bee 2100 Q St. Sacramento, CA 95816 It is only in this way that all of us can pull together and fight against the evil that exists in the world. Let's show our fellow furries that we are their extended family. That we love and support them and are here for them. You don't have to do a lot. Send them a card. Send a flower. Anything at all will help. Thank you, Papabear Update: 7-21-12 Beastcub posted the following on her FurAffinity page I just wanted to say things are looking better over here, unless Hari gets an infection he is in the clear, he has an operation every 24-48 hours to keep his open wounds clean and he is on ventilator and feeding tube and cannot talk. He will be bed bound in the ICU for 3 weeks, after that he will be in the recovery ward. Gemily is doing well enough considering the double trauma of both her BF and dogs being part of this. With the rod in her leg she should be able to use it right away but what the media fails to report is she is missing chunks of flesh from that leg and is all covered in bruises, and her foot is all swollen. I got to see her at last today, and she finally laughed a bit for the first time today and she and I both ate decently since this happened. There also now an official paypal donation, you can send donations to longrandallwestfund[at]gmail.com Hari needs the money more than us, his home will have to be modified and his family members will be unable to work while caring for him. So every little bit helps. Oh and you can sent a check too - from the Sacramento Bee: Fund set up for hit and run victims Readers responding to Monday night's horrific hit and run crash in Carmichael are offering donations to help the families involved. Anyone wanting to contribute may send checks made out to the Harison Long-Randall/Gemily West Fund and send them to: Pam Dinsmore Community Affairs Director The Sacramento Bee 2100 Q St. Sacramento, CA 95816 UPDATE: July 29, 2012 According to a post from my friend Palomino Pony, Harrison Long-Randall has died from his injuries from the hit and run. I'm sure all of you will join with me in a prayer for Gemily West and her and her mate's families. Here is the story: http://www.news10.net/news/local/article/203062/2/Man-hurt-in-Carmichael-hit-run-dies-at-hospital. Also, Beastcub (Gemily's sister) posted on FA: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3704788/#cid:27898545. UPDATE: August 14, 2012 The Carmichael Times published an update about the tragedy, which you can read here: http://carmichaeltimes.com/pdf_files/volume_32_pdfs/Times%2008-08-12.pdf and Gemily's sister, Lilleah West (aka Beastcub) published her reaction on FurAffinity here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3739408/. UPDATE: September 27, 2012 The man who committed (allegedly) this horrendous crime has now been charged with murder. See full article here: http://blogs.sacbee.com/crime/archives/2012/09/driver-accused-in-fatal-hit-and-run-in-carmichael-charged-with-murder.html. UPDATE: April 9, 2013 Paul Walden, who last year in Sacramento ran over Gemily West (sister of Beastcub), seriously injuring her, killing her boyfriend and her four dogs, is scheduled to stand trial this July. His defense lawyer is saying he was merely tired and not drunk or high. Walden had previously been convicted several times for driving high, and when police caught up to him several days after he ran over those poor furries, he claimed he didn't remember doing it. Read the story: http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2013/04/05/man-to-stand-trial-for-murder-in-fatal-dui-hit-and-run/. |
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