Dear Papa Bear,
I've been a furry for a very long time. Almost 15 years now! And during that time, I've had a lot of fursonas. I'm looking to finally settle into one that's really me, because most of my fursonas have been adoptables or customs - made by other people, so I feel like I can't connect to them as well. I've read through a few fursona confusion related questions on your site, but I have trouble narrowing down what I really like (because I like so many things). When making a fursona, is there a to make choosing easier? Or should I just wing it and see how it goes? Thanks for reading, Scatterbrained in ATL (age 27) * * * Dear Scatterbrained *grin*: One of the coolest things about the furry fandom is its creativity and its lack of connection to commercial franchises. People who are fans of, say, Marvel comic books and want to dress up accordingly are kind of stuck with the superheroes and villains portrayed in that literature and in the movie and TV adaptations. Likewise, if you love Tolkien, you have a narrow choice of elves, dwarves, hobbits, wizards, humans, and monsters, and that's about it. Same with Star Trek or Star Wars. Furries don't rely on other creators to imagine for them. They ARE the creators. Even so, you might think you are limited to animal species of the present or the past, or perhaps mythological creatures. Not so. For one thing, you can create a hybrid. If you can't decide if you connect more with a wolf, a bear, or a moose, combine them! A Woboose! LOL. You see this quite a lot in the fandom, and I'm sure you're familiar with some hybrids that are becoming common, including folfs (fox/wolf), cabbits (cat/rabbit), and ligers (lion/tigers, which actually exist in real life). You can go even further than hybrids, though, and create your own species if you like. Probably the most famous example of this would be the Skiltaire, an alien species created by Mark Merlino for a series of science fiction tales he wrote. I can see that you are one of those furries, like me, for whom your fursona is very personal and not just a hobby. You aren't just picking a fursona to use in RPGs or to design a fursuit--no, this is going to reflect who you are and/or who you wish to be. Super! It is my belief that younger furries can have problems picking a personal fursona because they are still evolving themselves. That is, it is difficult to pick a fursona that reflects you when you don't know who you are yet. That happened with me as a cub and young man as I evolved from wolf to dragon to, finally, bear (bear is definitely the one for me now that I am confident in who I am in my 50s!). You might still be settling in on this identity, even in your late 20s. That's okay. But it's still fun to work on your fursona and try to figure out and narrow down the aspects of your character. My prime advice to you is to try not to limit yourself. This is an exercise in imagination, so throw away all your preconceptions about pretty much anything. Heck, you could even throw some tech into it and create, say, an android cheetah or a Borg bear (which would still be a borg lol, or maybe a bearg). Or combine animal with a non-living substance, such as they do with the Vulptex in Star Wars, which is a creature that is part canid and part crystal. Or how about a Rastafarian lion whose mane grows marijuana instead of fur? Convenient, eh? Imagine the dreadlocks! Or, to be less controversial, maybe the lion's mane is made out of strawberry Twizzlers.... This might seem a bit overwhelming, so a good way to start might be to look at specific features, one by one--and I do mean one by one: eyes, nose, fur or scales, type of tail, colors, horns or antlers, bipedal or quadruped, bat wings or butterfly wings, insect features or shark fins, etc. etc. Are you familiar with free form writing? This is an exercise in which the writer sits down at a keyboard or writing pad and just writes whatever comes into their head. Try the same thing with your fursona design. Sit down one day and just write out all the various things that appeal to you, including physical features, personality, clothing, time period, literary genres, etc. Just write them all down, quickly and without self-censorship. Then, save the file or set aside the writing pad for a couple of days. Return to it later and thin out some things that actually don't thrill you and narrow down your absolute favorite things. Take those and assemble them into a fursona and see what comes out. If you don't like the results, toss 'em and try again in another week. Eventually, you will get something you really like and that suits your inner furry the best. Hopefully, I have not repeated myself too much from previous columns you read. Good Luck! Papabear * * * Hi Papa Bear, Just a followup from my recent letter! It didn't take too long once I sat down and really thought about my favorite things I decided to combine my love of cooking with my fursona, and came up with Cassia, a cinnamon colored skunk. Thanks so much for your advice, it was really helpful in narrowing down my interests to something more manageable! The free writing was really helpful and had some unexpected results - I thought for sure I'd end up with something really exotic, but all my writing came back to what reminded me of home. Thanks again, Not So Scatterbrained in ATL
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Papabear,
I'm in a relationship, it's pretty normal with a few bumps here and there, but there's one thing I can't stand that my mate does. He constantly blames me for what is going on. Something broke? I'm the one to blame. Today her Amazon tablet broke. First thing she does is turn to me and says, "is there something you want to tell me?" I look at her confused af until she tells me it's broke. The thing is I don't touch it ever, unless she falls asleep with it on I turn it off to save batteries. It was working perfectly this morning, and she doesn't even connect it to the power surge and outage this afternoon. No it's me, I'm the one that always gets the blame! It's getting old but I love her. What am I to do? Kreed * * * Dear Kreed, Obviously, there is more going on here than just what is in your letter. Something is bothering your mate, and you will only get to the bottom of it if you have a sit-down discussion. She might not even realize what she is doing. So, the first thing to say is, "Do you realize that every time something goes wrong your first reaction is to blame me for it?" Next is to acknowledge that you are not perfect and you might have done some things wrong, but not everything. One possibility with her is that when she was younger her parents always blamed her for things going wrong, so now she has inherited that habit and is passing it on to you (lucky you). Telling her what she is doing could wake her up to the fact. Best case scenario is she says something like, "Oh, wow, I didn't realize I was doing that to you. I'm sorry! I will try not to do that." Next time it happens and every time after that, stop her in her tracks, as in: "Okay, stop right there for a second. First, tell me what is wrong and then let's figure out how to fix the problem rather than pointing fingers at each other." If you did do something wrong, apologize and try to fix it, but if you didn't, don't accept blame for it. You are a team and you should be solving problems together. She needs to acknowledge that she is not perfect either, and if she screws up then let her know you are there to support her and help her with any problem and without judging her. Communication, as they say, is key. Don't let resentment build and don't just respond with anger. This bad habit of hers might be just that: habit. And habits can be broken. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
What' the best furry dating site? Also I'm gay so you know. Things and stuff. Sorry if this is a bit too mature for the site. Skylar Husk * * * Dear Skylar, I honestly cannot say, since I have never used a furry dating site. My advice on finding love? Keep all options open, don't be too picky, but don't be too desperate, either. It's a tricky situation. You increase your chances of love, though, the more you interact with other people. Online can be helpful (I met my last husband that way) but also try to meet people in person (which is how I met my current fiance). Good luck! Papabear Hello...
I am currently stuck in a situation I see no way out of. I've been struggling with depression for several years now. I barely finished my studies and have no marketable talent - I can draw but the process is too slow and inconsistent to be reliable, especially with my mental issues. I had to move to live with my family outside of my country of origin - in a village on small isolated island. My stepfather has a decent job here, but for me there are none, especially with my crippling social anxiety (avoidant personality disorder) and lack of knowledge of local language. I have nothing to go back to in my home country, nor the means to do so. Here I'm not a citizen, just a resident, which limits my options even further. I'm losing what little friendships I've had in my life and despite many attempts I'm not able to meet anyone new. I'm gay, but aromantic, so I don't have much to offer when it comes to a relationship. I've only been in one in my life - long distance, which lasted for years, but made both of us miserable in the end - we broke up a year ago. What little money I'm able to make I have been spending on a therapy. But it's been several months now and we did not progress one bit, I'm failing at the simplest tasks. And I'm afraid I just can't afford it any longer. I keep hearing you can overcome depression, get out of it, but I've never actually seen anyone do it. And I'm just... losing last bits of hope I have. I don't see any way forward. I don't know what to do anymore. Anonymous (age 29) * * * Dear Furiend, You definitely sound like a fish out of water. Based on what you have written, moving back to your homeland is not an option, and I am assuming you can't find any other friends or family back in your country of origin to move in with? So, I will answer you based on the assumption you are stuck where you are on this foreign island. I am reminded of an old television show called Northern Exposure. It was about this young Jewish doctor who made a deal with a scholarship committee that if they paid his tuition he would then move to Alaska to a small town there and be their doctor. He is most definitely a fish out of water, and, although he likes many of the people, he can't adjust to their quirky, small-town, frontier-like attitudes. For years, he struggles, until one day, instead of ceaselessly wishing he could go home, he decides to embrace Alaska and actually enjoy where he is. You must do the same. Don't speak the language? Well, I would say you have a strong reason to learn it. The best way to learn a new language is to immerse yourself in it, and what better way than to live among native speakers? Try to talk to locals. Begin with ordinary words and phrases and use them daily. Learn how to order lunch or ask for directions or simply say "hi" and "have a nice day." Study the local culture and history. Learn about where you are and embrace it. While you are doing that, start researching how to apply for citizenship and then take the steps necessary to become a citizen. Your father did it, and so can you. Once you have adapted to your new home, it will be much easier for you to make friends and, hopefully, even enjoy where you are. The only alternative is to continue what you are doing, which is isolating yourself and feeling miserable. Good Luck! Papabear |
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