Dear Papabear,
It's been a while since I wrote you. Thanks again for your patience with me back then. I still like to come back to your site since you always give great advice and things to think about. However in one of your last letters you said something that keeps bugging me: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/hes-frustrated-and-angered-by-humans “I think that a lot of furries get it (which is why it bothers me that too many of them anesthetize their brains with obsessive game play; some gaming is fine, but too much is a trap and a waste of life, and it also plays into the hands of the corporations seeking to suck people dry of their money).” While I'm pretty sure you didn't mean it like that, to me it sounds like you were trying to say: „I think video games serve no purpose and keep mankind from evolving.“ That's why I wanted to give my opinion on that topic. Are video games a waste of time? Yes, they are. Just like watching football games, going to cons, playing board games, drawing/writing without charging any money or reading books without any productive content. While all of these things sure are fun and might bring people together (just like video games), they don't serve any actual purpose except to kill time and to escape reality. We humans simply have too much time to spend after all. Video games CAN cause addiction, that is true, just like many other things. But the definition of video game addiction is still pretty vague. For example there are people who play four hours a day and are not classified as addicts. Most of those people have some other problems which they try to escape, but the games are not the source of these problems. If there were no video games in this world these people would find another way to anesthetize themselves. Yes I know, there are always exceptions, but saying video games keep us from evolving is like saying shooter games are the cause of homicides (which has been disproved many times already, but people still tend to think so). Are video games sucking people dry on their money? Unfortunately that has become very true over the last few years, many game companies have stopped caring about the quality and only care about the profit, especially companies like EA. That's why most of my video games are indie titles, games by people who actually work together with their communities and care about their work. What do I personally think video games are? I think they are an art form. Many game publishers, especially the independent ones, have proven that games can be as a matter of fact very fine art. Just take a look at „The Vanishing of Ethan Carter“, a game of such visual beauty that most triple-A publisher couldn't even hope to achieve. Or „Cry of Fear“, a game created by a 12 years old game engine, yet much more atmospheric than any horror movie I've ever watched. Yet media still likes to shame video games for being evil, simply because they keep people from consuming 'normal' media. (For example, I haven't been watching TV for years now.) The law still refuses to acknowledge video games as an art form, which is why many movies, comics etc. get away with thinks that get heavily censored in video games. For example, I live in Germany, and while there are tons of sh**ty movies showing the Hakenkreuz, in every video game it get's censored. In that letter of yours you said there will be some point in history where mankind needs to adopt to their natural roots. I totally agree with you on that, but that doesn't mean we will give up on most of our technical achievements. There are many new yet strange things that are still trying to fit into our society, and video games are sure to keep us company for a long time, AND to evolve with us, because they are our creations. Some time ago I read an article about the military using video game simulations for actual war simulation. That actually made me hope that some day governments will start to realize their wars over political and ethical disagreements only cause the death to millions of innocent lives, and instead will solve their fights via CounterStrike or Battlefield. I know that sounds dumb at first, but imagine this: Nation a) and Nation b) both want the control over a new discovered gold mine that lies exactly on their frontier. Nation a): “That mine is ours! Prepare for war!” Nation b): “Whoa whoa, wait! We are no barbarians, who are we to send our people to kill each other over our greed?” Nation a): “You're right. Then we challenge you to a game of CounterStrike!” And then their best players face each other on a neutral VAC-protected server. Admin: “That's it, Team b) wins!” Nation a): “Aaargh, they were totally cheating!” Admin: “No, they were not! We checked.” Nation a): “Okay, let's face it like gentlemen, you people won. Take the mine.” Sounds funny? Yes, but I honestly hope that some day in the future we will achieve something like that. Video games are not our enemy, they are what we want them to be. I know what you said in that letter was out of context, that's why I hope to hear your view on that subject. Kind regards and best wishes! Oh, and to your husband too. (Sorry for my grammar, I hope my letter is still readable) Hyperion * * * Dear Hyperion, Thank you for your letter, and I apologize if I wrote something that wasn’t clear. My position on video game play was, and is, and always has been, that playing games for recreation is fine, as long as it doesn’t dominate your life to the point of obsession. Play, as any psychologist will tell you, is healthy. It stimulates the mind and gives us a chance to relax from the daily stress of life, whether that is video gaming, watching a football game, or going to the theater. When does it become an addiction? You say there is no formal definition of that for video games, but actually there is: gaming becomes a problem when it interferes with your life and normal function in the world. I’ll give you an example. I attended Califur recently and met a friend of a friend there who said he refuses to play video games. When I asked him why, he explained that when he played his first game (I think it was Sonic), he sat down and played for 54 hours straight. When he finally set down the controller, he discovered that his job had called and fired him for not showing up. He felt he was too much of an addictive personality, therefore, to handle owning games. That is the perfect example of a problem. I have also known furries who obsess so much about games that they have a huge library of them and, meanwhile, neglect to pay bills or even eat. This is what I’m trying to warn people about. Another clear sign of addiction is if there are withdrawal symptoms should the addicting behavior be taken away. There was a recent study, for example, in which college students were asked to not use their cell phones for a week. Some were okay with that, while others reported experiencing definite symptoms of withdrawal, such as anxiety, nervousness, and, of course, a strong desire to get the cell phone back. I myself must admit that I'm a bit addicted to checking my messages and chatting on my phone or on my computer. In the letter to which you refer, I meant that playing video games for a big chunk of your life will mean you won’t have time to develop more important parts of your being, including the intellect and the spirit. When it comes to spiritual evolution, the question is this: at the end of your life, when you look back, will you consider your one chance to really live to have been well-spent if for most of the time you did nothing but play games, video or otherwise? Do you really believe we are put on Earth to press buttons and jerk joysticks frantically back and forth? Do we get a true sense of accomplishment from winning points on a screen or getting to the highest levels of an RPG? To comment on other things you wrote: yes, the military does, indeed, use video games—primarily, my understanding is, they have one that is used for recruiting and aptitude testing. About video games and art: it might interest you that there have been exhibits at art museums celebrating video games as art, such as this http://americanart.si.edu/exhibitions/archive/2012/games/ and here http://www.movingimage.us/, so, actually, video gaming is considered by many to be an art form, and I don’t disagree with that. As for the scenario about nations in the future battling it out on a screen: sounds nice, but I doubt that would ever happen. I’m reminded of the episode “A Taste of Armageddon” on the original Star Trek series in which two planets fought a war using computers. Whenever the simulation said that a populated area got hit, some people were declared dead and voluntarily killed themselves in disintegration machines. The idea was to have a war without destroying the culture, architecture, art, etc., of their civilizations, but people still died. Kirk quickly put an end to that (violating the Prime Directive, as he often did, the scamp), noting that war has to be ugly or else people get too used to it and it becomes an eternal state of conflict. Now, say we had something like what you suggest where the nations have a game brawl—the difference between this and the Star Trek episode is that people don’t die, which sounds better. So, the two countries have it out and one wins and the other loses. Guess what happens next? The country that loses says, “Okay, you win,” shakes hands, goes home, and launches a nuclear strike on the unsuspecting other country. Human nature is too aggressive to agree to fight without actually hurting someone (especially when the ones making the decisions don’t have to go to the war themselves). Furthermore, war isn’t just about power; it has now become about money. America’s policy in recent decades to bomb countries in the Middle East and Asia is designed to make companies like Exxon and Halliburton rich, and any pretense that we are somehow “defending freedom” is utter baloney; playing a video game to solve a political conflict isn’t going to make any company rich and, therefore, won’t work. Much as we try to deny it, we are animals and, indeed, in many ways worse than animals. Perhaps, one day, we will be able to solve differences without bombs and guns, but if we do it would be more likely an exercise in diplomacy, rather than gaming. I, for one, believe that it would probably take a worldwide threat to make us all come together out of necessity, such as one sees in the movies Independence Day and the brilliant Watchmen. Even better would be if we did evolve into a much more spiritual state and gave up all the things that lead to war, including nationalism, religion, materialism, and general hubris. Looking back over your letter, I didn’t really see a question, per se, so much as an objection to my original statement. I suppose the question was, “What is your full opinion about video gaming,” so there you have it. An interesting topic, and I bet we’ll hear more about it in the future. Hugs, Papabear
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Hi Papabear,
I am 23 year old bisexual man. Ever since I was 13 I was attracted to older men. My very first porno I found was of two hairy men, and since then that's what I primarily like to look at. I would fantasize about having a mature man (primarily in his 40's or older) as a lover. Believe me I have no idea where it stems from. I have grown up in a decent home with a wonderful family, and yet I feel weird because I am the only person I know who would rather be with older men. Recently I have been getting into dating apps in order to meet people, and as a result I met a nice older man who lives in my hometown. At first I was nervous about meeting him, but it turned out to be a wonderful time for both of us. We couldn't risk going out so we would meet at his place to hook up whenever I could get free time. Well a few days ago my parents found out I was dating him. They were mortified that I was giving myself away to an older man and that I shouldn't do it. Now I admit I rushed into having sex without really thinking. I guess I got so excited to finally meet my type of guy that I got carried away. As a result we stopped seeing each other. Now my question is, is it really wrong for me to date older men? As wrong as it might seem to other people, it doesn't change how I feel, but honestly I'm not sure if it is just a sexual fantasy or something more. Thanks for taking the time to read this Scaley (age 23) * * * Dear Scaley, Wrong? Let’s try putting it this way: if most people like chocolate ice cream but a few prefer strawberry, are they wrong for liking a different flavor? It’s the same thing here: it’s just a matter of preference. Some people like younger partners, some the same age, and some older. In our youth-worshipping culture, the tendency is for many people to like young people. They tend to have more energy (including in bed, but not always) and have the physical attributes that people are supposed to desire (smooth skin, full head of hair, and don’t talk about their operations LOL...). But there’s a lot to be said for older guys, too. In fact, in this bear’s opinion, a lot more. Older men have been around the block and have more experience, which generally means they have more to talk about that’s interesting (and have more skill in the bedroom). They tend to be more financially stable and have better jobs (these are generalizations, of course). And for many young gay men, older guys can represent stability, a father figure (especially appealing for those who might have lacked one in their lives), and can be a mentor, which has a tremendous calming effect in our confusing world. You and I actually share the preference for older guys (which might sound funny to you coming from a 49-year-old bear, but I still prefer men in their 40s and upwards, if that’s not TMI—for one thing, they can grow beards better LOL, kidding). To the point: no, it’s not wrong for you. That’s what you like, and that’s fine. At 23, you are old enough to decide for yourself. I hope, actually, it isn’t too late for you to get back together with this guy you met. Sounds like you had a great time together and he’s a nice guy. So what’s so wrong about that? And, anyway, why are you worried about what your parents are saying? You’re 23 years old! Are you still living with them? Time to get your life in gear, cut the apron strings, and live your life as you see fit! Questions: why couldn’t you “risk going out”? Is he closeted? Also, you state you are bisexual. Are you sure? You seem pretty obsessed with men. Do you still feel attracted to women? As a bisexual, you certainly can be monogamous to a man (or woman) if you choose and be perfectly fine, but you should make sure what you really want in a partner and that your partner understands who you are before taking a relationship to the next level. These are things to consider, as well as—if you get really serious—the issue of what happens in later life when your older mate starts having health issues and, probably, will pass away before you do. Perhaps you rushed in a little fast, but not necessarily. Sometimes the sparks fly quickly and we end up finding someone great for us sooner than expected. Whatever your decision, make it your decision and not your parents’ decision. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
I have been going through a lot of trouble at home. My parents are continuously emotionally abusing me. I have been planning on telling someone but the question "What comes next?" always pops in my mind and stops me. I have an incredible fear of being put into group homes and such, but I honestly can’t bear to stay in my home any more. Examples of my emotional abuse include constant rants about how I have no life, and how I am always an ***. This is only the beginning. In addition I don't have any friends nearby so getting out of the house is hard. I don’t know what to do, and how I can lighten the situation. Is there anything I can do? Raoul (age 13) * * * Hi, Raoul, Before I answer your letter at length, I have a question or two. First of all, have your parents ever physically abused you or deprived you of food, clothing, shelter, education, etc.? Second, are your parents literally ALWAYS deliberately making you feel bad, or are there also occasions when they are nice to you and show that they love you? If you were to assign a percentage, about what percent of the time do they put you down, what percent do they compliment you or do something nice, and what percent is their treatment neutral (neither good nor bad)? When they call you an ***, was it during an argument or was it just an offhanded remark? Thanks. Papabear * * * Well they do hit occasionally but I've gotten used to it, so the hitting isn't really a problem. In addition they don't deprive me of any necessities. And on circumstances (very few) there have been times when my parents do show some signs of affection, although in many cases in the next minute or so there will be some sort of comment. Things like "Get a life" or "You know, you’re a real a**" just seem to come out of nowhere. It’s incredibly frequent for me to be called “Stupid” and other insults. I would say it’s around 70-75 percent of the time. And 20% neutral. * * * Hello again, Please pardon all my questions, but I want to be sure I have a clear picture of what is going on. Please note, it is NEVER okay for a parent to strike a child. That's a very big concern! I'd like to know a couple other things: 1) are your parents having any difficulties in their lives, such as financial stress or the potential for divorce or family members who are dying or grievously ill? and 2) do you suffer from any physical, mental, or emotional problems? (I'm trying to figure out why they call you "stupid," and that makes me wonder, for example, if you have a form of autism?) Thanks. Please respond when you can. Papabear * * * Oh, it’s fine :D. My parents quite often fight, and I have seen some things that could mean a possible (but not likely) divorce. Such as they would fight, then my dad would drink some beer and occasionally get drunk, or he would smoke. I don’t suffer from any problems. I didn’t know why they called me stupid, but I noticed that I started to believe them after a while. * * * Okay, I'll work on your question now. One more question that is not so relevant: are you using someone else's email account? The return email says Stacey, but you go by Raoul. Just wondered if you might need to exercise caution in these emails. pbear * * * This is an old email. It because of something that happened at school. I was in a computer class and someone changed my info when I stepped out. I sadly took the nickname "Stacey" because of my sexuality and I just didn’t bother to change it because I barely use this email. I accidentally used this email when I set up the form on the website. But I’ve overcome the whole bullying thing (Thanks to you I really have a better school experience *hugs*) And I just wanted to say thank you for all you have done. *hugs tight* * * * Ohh, okay. Wait a second: do your parent know you're gay? * * * Yes, they found out because they raided my backpack and found a note someone wrote to insult me. * * * NOW we get to the crux of the matter. Did all this calling you "stupid" etc. begin before or AFTER they discovered who you were? pbear * * * Well it was there before they found out, but it got harsher when they found out. My parents are kind of the bad package. Biased, sexist, and un-open to new things. * * * Dear Raoul, Thanks for all your answers to my questions. Reading through them, it’s evident that your elders are poor parents indeed. They are both physically and emotionally abusive. Such behavior often arises from a couple of things: 1) the parent is stressed for some reason (not an excuse to abuse), and 2) the parent was him/herself abused as a child (also not an excuse, but being psychologically injured leads to poor behavior; I’d bet a thousand bucks one or both of your parents were abused as kids). Child abuse is self-perpetuating, with one generation of abusers passing it on to the next. The risk here is that you yourself will become abusive to any children you might have in the future because you are being educated that this is how parents treat children, you are being desensitized to violence (“the hitting isn't really a problem”), and they are ruining your self-esteem (people with low self-esteem often become bullies). Not only is their behavior injuring you, but it is completely ineffective as a way to discipline a child (if the goal is to correct some misbehavior, which doesn’t even seem to be the case here). If you would like to take the time to read all the reasons hitting children is wrong, read this helpful article. What I think is happening here is that your parents sensed that you were “different” (even before the letter was found) and, because of their poor upbringing, they don’t know how to handle you. You make them uncomfortable, and so, in their limited intellectual capacity, they call you names. Then they discover you are gay and that abuse intensifies. If you ask me, they are the stupid ones. Now that we understand the problem, what’s to be done? First, recognize that your parents’ abuse is not okay. They are damaging you more than you probably realize. Now, it’s often true that young teens resent disciplinary action from their parents, but what you are describing is not discipline for the sake of trying to nurture you: no, it’s malicious. I would like to recommend that you visit the Boys Town page, which is an outstanding organization that helps troubled young people such as yourself. They have a hotline you can call, and they help all people regardless of race or religion or sexual orientation. Should the abuse escalate (or just become more and more intolerable) and you haven’t gotten enough help from Boys Town, you can contact the Family and Child Services Department in your hometown at 760-554-7751. Finally—and God forbid—if you feel in immediate physical danger, call 911 and get the police over to your home. But start with Boys Town. Perhaps they can suggest ways for you to talk to your parents (you know, they might not even be aware they are hurting you—giving them a huge benefit of a doubt and probably crediting them more than they deserve) or some other way to resolve the issue through improved communication. At any rate, it’s important that you stop this abuse and help yourself where your parents are failing. Sadly, this means you will have to do a lot of growing up early in life, but it’s better than having your parents ruin your spirit. The good news is that you recognize what they are doing and are taking steps to try to improve your life. This means they haven’t broken you yet—great! We know from your earlier letter to me that you can stand up for yourself when it comes to your peers at school. That was brave of you, and it improved your life. I’m proud of you. Now, even more challenging, standing up to your parents—not physically, but there are things you can do. For example, when they call you stupid, have you ever looked them in the eye and said, “No, I’m not stupid.” Don’t whisper it, but don’t yell it. Just say, in a very calm and clear voice that can be easily heard, “No, I’m not stupid.” This is a good thing, too, to rehearse in the bathroom. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat that sentence 10 times each morning. Also, any other names they call you, counteract them in the same way. I don’t think you’re stupid at all. You have the antivenin for your parents’ poison. It comes from inside you. Don’t buy their crap. It’s a very hard thing to do, but you can do it (it took a long time for me to overcome being called “useless as tits on a boar” by my Texan father, but I did it, and I was probably a much wimpier kid at your age than you.) Please write again and let me know how it goes. Papabear’s here for you. Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papa!
To start off, I've always been different. Being a furry, a nerd, among many other traits, has not made me into the most relatable person. I'm just too weird. But lately, I've been feeling more distant than usual from everyone. Last year has been very hard for me. I've been diagnosed with a genetic malfunction that changed everything about my life. Everything. I'm signing this letter anonymously and changing all the info (except age) to try and cover my tracks, because it’s hard for me to tell anyone about this unless there's hardly any way they can track it back. So, time to come clean. The ... malfunction ... is called Turner Syndrome. Basically, imagine a girl that will NEVER go through puberty, and you have me. I can fake some things. I take a shot every night to increase my height, and take steps to make myself feel normal. I've gone through surgery after surgery (I HATE them. I once had such a panic attack before one, they couldn't put me under until I calmed. Don't know why.) I'll never have a child naturally, and my appearance is much less than pleasant. You can probably imagine the mixed emotions I'm feeling about this. I was on anti-depressants for a bit (at 14 years old!), grades took a hit, and life just felt pointless. My self-esteem is non-existent. I can't be left alone with my thoughts. My question pretty much is.... Where do I go? How do I pick myself up from this hole I've dug? I don't know what to believe in. I rejected religion for science, but now science has told me I'm stupid, ugly, short, awkward, and infertile. A furry I'm VERY close to noticed the shot in the fridge and asked me about it. I told her nothing more than, "I take a shot every night to grow." She's shown me nothing but support, but I feel hollow, unloved, and slightly misunderstood. Sadness isn't the only emotion brought on by this. Anger came with the package. I stopped using furry social media because I couldn't stand to listen to the melodrama, couldn't stand thinking about how much I would give to be able to whine about a troll being a bully online. No, I'm stuck with this. So now I'm a shell of who I am. Bitter towards my peers and myself. What do I do? I feel so different. I feel so exiled. I'm 1/200000 at this point, just with two of my qualities. What do I believe in when the truth's turning me into someone I don't want to believe? Please, help. I can't help myself anymore. I'm the laughing stalk of the Internet because I'm a furry and a nerd, and the laughing stalk of real life because I'm short and ugly. Please. Help. Sorry for talking your ear off. Your exiled furry, Anon. (age 16, Virginia) * * * Dear Furiend, My turn to talk your ear off :-) (and you didn’t). Thank you for your willingness to share your letter with my readers. That takes some courage, even if you sign yourself as “Anon.” Just so I have this straight, I believe that Turner Syndrome is a genetic condition that occurs only in women and has to do with one of their X chromosomes either being missing or incomplete. Interestingly, this is not an inherited disease but occurs by accident and is very rare. You mention short stature, infertility, and you say you’re “stupid.” The research I did said that women with TS have normal intelligence, but because they have some problems with spatial concepts they can have trouble with math. Other symptoms may include (but don’t necessarily include) heart, kidney, liver, and thyroid issues; hearing loss and ear infections; scoliosis and other skeletal problems, including loss of bone density; and such physical anomalies as puffy extremities, numerous moles, low-set ears, webbed neck, receding jaw, and short stature (as you mentioned). I assume the surgeries you mention were related to these physical traits and hope you have no internal organ issues. In addition, shyness and social anxiety is often heightened among those with TS. Okay, that’s the technical stuff (mostly for the benefit of my readers, as I’m sure you know this). Let’s address some of these issues.
You mention the bickering of furries online, trolls and such, and how that irritated you and seemed trivial compared to what you are enduring. Well, yes, perhaps, but in writing my column I find that much of that petty fighting is the result of more serious issues in those people’s lives. This is not to make light of your illness, which is certainly serious. But what can be done? To begin with, stop blaming—or feeling let down by—science, medicine, God, etc. Also, and most importantly, don’t blame yourself. You have been dealt a bad hand at the poker table, but the talented card player knows that bluffing can win the game—and by bluffing, what I mean is attitude. Take two people with Turner Syndrome: one is very negative, bitter, angry, hopeless; the other has the same symptoms as the first, but she is upbeat, hopeful, and active in her life. Even if neither one gets better, which one is going to have a better life? Will attitude cure your disease? No, but it will change who you are. Right now, you acknowledge that you have dug yourself into a hole, and the shovel you have used is called bad attitude. How do you get a better attitude? You find community support in people who understand. I would like you to contact the Turner Syndrome Society of the United States (http://www.turnersyndrome.org/). Their website has all kinds of resources, including two support groups in your home state and a reference to a doctor in your state who specializes in TS. Getting help from people who care about and understand you is a huge step toward digging yourself out of your black hole. I want to also suggest you take a look at this page http://tinybuddha.com/blog/8-tips-to-help-create-a-positive-mental-attitude/, which will give you some positive tips. Buddhism, remember, is not a religion, but, rather, a life-affirming philosophy. You could do a lot worse than studying the teachings of the Buddha. A point I want to especially emphasize in the link above is to realize that you are not your disease. You are not your pain or your emotions. You are something very much larger than all of that. Transcend the trappings of the mundane world and you will discover you are a part of a Universal Being. Studying Buddhism will help you to step outside yourself and realize the larger picture. One more thing you can do: remember to hug. Hug your friend, hug your family, and tell them you love them every day. It works wonders. Hope that helps! HUGS! Papabear |
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