Hello there, Papabear!
I've never written to you before—I enjoy reading your kind-hearted advice to other people from time to time when I'm feeling down myself though. Thank you for running this website and column! Now for the problem.... I have a friend who is a survivor of some sort of sexual violence. This was sometime years before I met her. I completely understand her need to still talk about it and the angry, sad emotions that come with it as well as the painful process of healing, but I'm never quite sure how to react. She's never told me outright what happened—mostly she gets incredibly angry and tearful when talking about rapists and "rape culture" and toxic social norms against women, to the point of obviously making herself upset (close to tears). She sometimes brings this subject up out of the blue, doing a 180 from something pleasant like flowers to how unsafe it is for her as a woman to exist anywhere public. Although it makes me uncomfortable to talk about rape in general and see her upset like that, I know it's important for me to hear her out and support her in what obviously was one of, if not the worst experience of her life. My discomfort is FAR less than anything she experienced and that's the outlook I maintain. My question, though, is how do I respond to this? I always try to make sure she can talk to me about whatever she needs, wants, or feels inclined to, but beyond that I'm lost. My inclination is to put an arm around her, but I'm afraid it would upset her more if she considered it unwanted. I'm all for feminism, equal rights, and making the world a safer place for women (as well as people in general), but I hate to agree with her when she so viciously attacks people (in general, usually no one specific unless it's a public figure) for things like enjoying "Family Guy" or "Friends" or "Playboy." So usually I just remain silent until I have to give an occasional "That makes sense" or "That's understandable," which feels a little cold and short. I can't claim to understand how she feels or the emotions involved in the subjects for her with what happened, but I do want to be able to help still since she obviously needs to get these things off her chest. But she doesn't seem to ever feel much better afterward. What do I do? Of course I'll continue to listen to her, but what can I do or say? One more thing I should add is that she's been (and maybe still goes?) to counseling. Thank you for your time! And of course, thank you in advance for your kind-hearted response! --Space * * * Hi, Space, Thanks for the compliment. You’re obviously a kind and compassionate person yourself. I’m very sorry for what your friend has been through and understand your frustration in not being sure how to help her. Professional counseling and/or group therapy is, of course, highly recommended for a person in her situation, and I hope she is still attending sessions. Your friend has definitely not recovered from her rape. She is still very very angry, and she has not been able to overcome the terrifying feeling of a loss of control of her life, which is, really, what rape is about: it’s not sex so much as one person dominating, humiliating, and subjugating another. Because of this, she is projecting her fears onto everyone else. Everyone becomes a potential rapist, and she even feels society as a whole is against her, condoning such acts as part of a “rape culture.” With her in this mental state, it is very wise of you, indeed, not to make any physical contact that might in any way be construed as sexual or even merely intimate. You will have to be satisfied with comforting her in other ways until she is more emotionally stable. She needs to overcome her anger and feelings of mistrust. You mention it’s been several years since the rape. If she is currently getting therapy and it hasn’t helped, she needs to shop around for a new therapist; if she has stopped therapy, she needs to return to it. A good place to start would be contacting RAINN—the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). As for you, if you are willing to be very patient and go down a very long road with her, the best thing you can do is expose her to positive people and situations whenever possible. One of those positive people can be you. You and others in her life must be very careful not to let her down or feel misguided or betrayed in any way. She also needs to be exposed to groups of people in non-threatening situations. If she is a furry, sad to say, I would not recommend her hanging out much in the young, rather oversexed furry crowd where she might run into people who will ignorantly hit on her without knowing what she has been through, which could set off an explosion. Many people who have been raped turn to faith for strength. If your friend is a religious person, she might find comfort in that. There are several books written by rape survivors who discuss how their faith in God helped them to recover. She doesn’t have to necessarily follow an organized religion to find help in this way, however. If she is a spiritual person, she can find comfort in many other older belief systems that existed long before Judaism, Christianity, Islam, or other faiths. Getting in touch with her spiritual self and the Spirit around her could potentially be very healing, and maybe something you might suggest if she hasn’t tried it. In the end, she needs to recoup her faith that not everyone is out to get her, that danger does not lurk around every corner. Yes, there are bad things in the world, including rape, but obsessing over them and allowing herself to feel only hatred and fear will destroy her from within. There may be a number of reasons why she is still so angry. Perhaps her attacker was never caught or justice was never served; perhaps she was abused by a close family member and no one believed her when she told others in her family. I don’t know, and neither, apparently, do you, but she likely has many unresolved feelings that are eating her up inside. It would be very helpful for someone to know what happened, exactly, which would help with treatment. It would also help in understanding why certain things seem to trigger outbursts of anger. Without this knowledge, you will need to tread very lightly around her psyche. I wish I could be more help, but I hope what I have written here might give you ideas that will eventually assist you and your friend. She is lucky to have a friend like you in her life. Hugs, Papabear
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Papabear,
What are your suggestions to bring to a convention if it is your first convention? What food choices do you recommend to bring inside your hotel room to snack on as well? Plus, when going out with a group of Furries, how much do you recommend to tip? Thank you. Sincerely, Thunderwolf * * * Dear Thunderwolf, We’ll start with the easy one first: tipping. You should tip the way you always would when going out to eat. The easiest thing to do is to double the tax on the bill to calculate the tip. When the service is particularly good, I sometimes tip 20%-25%. And, if the service is really not good at all, I still give about 10%, unless it’s downright insulting, in which case I would leave nothing or even ask to speak with the manager. Now, if you are going out somewhere with a group of furries, go Dutch—that is, everyone pays for his or her own bill. I would not recommend one bill and everyone splits it, because often people get irritated if, say, someone orders a salad and water and someone else orders lobster tail and wine. So, pay your own bill. Depending on which convention you’re attending, there may or may not be reasonably priced local restaurants within easy walking or driving distance. Hotel fair is usually a bit overpriced. Many furries, therefore, go on a bit of a shopping trip before a con, which works especially well if your room has a refrigerator and/or microwave. If not, buy dry goods and other things that don’t need cooking. Bring a small ice chest to keep drinks cool. For food, it depends on whether you wish to be good or bad. Many people throw all caution to the wind during what can be a party weekend and don’t worry about unhealthy snacks. I, on the other hand, think it’s a good idea to purchase some fruit, which will be fine unrefrigerated for a couple days. You can purchase cereals (or pastries, when naughty) and put a quart of milk in the fridge or ice chest. This will save you a lot of money versus buying such things at the hotel convenience store. I just came back from Califur, and a friend of mine also brought bread, packaged tuna, oatmeal (use the coffee pot in the room to heat up water). There are a number of dehydrated or freeze-dried products you can buy that, while not the best in flavor, will do in a pinch at a con if you are really trying to save bucks. On to other things: you might want to bring a small bag of medical supplies including some or all of the following: bandages, Bactine, aspirin, Tums, Imodium, tweezers, and sunscreen; a pocket knife can also come in handy, as well as nail clippers if you break a nail. You might also want to take Airborne daily while at the con to help keep germs away (commonly called "con crud"). Take some multivitamins, too, and get 8 hours of sleep a night to keep your immune system strong. Events at furcons don't usually start until 10 a.m. at the earliest, so you can sleep in. If you’re a fursuiter, remember to bring a repair kit with you, including things like needle and thread, fabric glue, and, if you have them, extra fur for patching or other spare parts for replacing things that might break. Bring Gatorade to replenish yourself after suiting. Bring a travel cup with a loooong straw so you can sip while in suit. If you have one, take a cell phone with you. Make sure numbers of family members are there in the directory on your phone to contact in case someone needs to call and you are unable to. Barring that, just in case, keep a list of contact names in your wallet or purse in the unlikely event that there is an emergency and you are unable to call for yourself. This isn’t always necessary if you are with close friends who already know whom to contact in an emergency, but in a panicky situation it might be should they forget the numbers to call. Do not take valuables with you to a con, such as expensive jewelry, lots of cash, or expensive electronics, unless you can keep them in a safe while at the hotel. And keep an eye on your fursuit; it’s not unheard of for people to lose parts at a con (tails and foot paws can be swiped, for example). Keep cherished items you might have been considering taking (e.g., a favorite plushie) at home. You don’t want to risk losing something like that at a hotel. Check the weather forecast before you leave home and make sure you pack clothes appropriate for the weather, especially if you’re going somewhere that gets very chilly at night. Take a bathing suit if the hotel has a pool (they usually do). Some furry gatherings are actually campouts, in which case you want to be even more prepared. If you have never been camping, you should ask others who have and see what to bring. The above advice is for cons that are held at hotels. Thanks for asking! Hope this is a valuable post for some of you con-goers out there! Papabear Papabear,
OK, there's this particular artist that I got into an unmentionably bad event about a decade ago, about which she still has not let go of the grudge from such event and holds to it so dearly that an apology of any kind is never going to be accepted. Now I moved on for the most part from that incident, finding love, a life, and my own way, but the last string attached to that closet skeleton is that women’s art. Strangely enough, I still enjoy it. But from a distance. I like it so much that I want to mimic her style. But getting references from someone who hates your guts and likewise is not that easy, though we stay out of each other’s way for the most part. So to the point. Would learning to and being able to draw like her be considered plagiarism or imitation? Given imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I’d rather not have an army of lawyers come down on my head. So I'm a bit lost. What should I do? Confused from Orlando * * * Dear Confused, There is nothing wrong with learning to draw by imitating another artist’s work, and you’re not going to be sued just for doing that. Many artists learn how to draw by practicing this way. You will see a lot of furry artists whose work is reminiscent of Disney artists, or the work of Don Bluth, or the many anime creations out there, for example. The only way you might be sued is if you create art that basically copies the other artist and then try to make money off of selling it, pretending it is her work. That is definitely a no-no. It is also copyright violation if you create a work that is not only very similar in style but also in content to the point that it looks like something the other artist would do and could easily be mistaken as such. In the 1992 Louisiana court case Mistretta v. Hunt et al. an artist created works based on Mardis Gras posters by another artist. The new works were so similar in style and content that they looked like the work of the other artist, and so it was ruled a copyright violation. In your case, I would avoid copying characters she usually depicts. For instance, if she draws a lot of otters wearing swim trunks and sipping tropical drinks by a pool, you should avoid drawing things that are similar. In the court case above, the defendant not only emulated the artist’s style, but also the Mardis Gras elements she commonly employed in her work. The other problem was that the defendant was trying to make money off these basically plagiarized paintings. So, Rule #1: Do not attempt to make money off anything you draw that is strongly imitative of the other artist’s work; and Rule #2: Do not emulate both the style and content of the other artist’s work (art that imitates content but not style is typically called “fan art,” and there is nothing wrong with that). It is perfectly fine to gain experience and knowledge of drawing techniques by trying to draw like another artist does. As I said, many people do this. But, ideally, you should limit this to practice. The other phenomenon about drawing practice is that, in most cases, you will find that after you have figured out how to draw well you will begin to develop your own style. Everyone has little quirks about themselves that lend uniqueness to their own work. You might also try experimenting with other media. Say she does work using spray ink pens and brush pens; you might try colored pencil instead, or maybe even acrylics or watercolors or cut paper. Each medium has different demands that will, of necessity, influence your style. In addition, try selecting not only art by this particular artist, but also pick two or three other artists that you enjoy and try drawing like them for a while. Force yourself out of your comfort zone a bit, experimenting as you go, and you will eventually develop a style all your own. Hope that helps! Papabear Papabear,
What are your suggestions to bring to a convention if it is your first convention? What food choices do you recommend to bring inside your hotel room to snack on as well? Plus, when going out with a group of Furries, how much do you recommend to tip? Thank you. Sincerely, Thunderwolf * * * Dear Thunderwolf, We’ll start with the easy one first: tipping. You should tip the way you always would when going out to eat. The easiest thing to do is to double the tax on the bill to calculate the tip. When the service is particularly good, I sometimes tip 20%-25%. And, if the service is really not good at all, I still give about 10%, unless it’s downright insulting, in which case I would leave nothing or even ask to speak with the manager. Now, if you are going out somewhere with a group of furries, go Dutch—that is, everyone pays for his or her own bill. I would not recommend one bill and everyone splits it, because often people get irritated if, say, someone orders a salad and water and someone else orders lobster tail and wine. So, pay your own bill. Depending on which convention you’re attending, there may or may not be reasonably priced local restaurants within easy walking or driving distance. Hotel fare is usually a bit overpriced. Many furries, therefore, go on a bit of a shopping trip before a con, which works especially well if your room has a refrigerator and/or microwave. If not, buy dry goods and other things that don’t need cooking. Bring a small ice chest to keep drinks cool if there is no fridge. For food, it depends on whether you wish to be good or bad. Many people throw all caution to the wind during what can be a party weekend and don’t worry about unhealthy snacks. I, on the other hand, think it’s a good idea to purchase some fruit, which will be fine unrefrigerated for a couple days. You can purchase cereals (or pastries, when naughty) and put a quart of milk in the fridge or ice chest. This will save you a lot of money versus buying such things at the hotel convenience store or restaurant. I just came back from Califur, and a friend of mine also brought bread, packaged tuna, oatmeal (use the coffee pot in the room to heat up water). There are a number of dehydrated or freeze-dried products you can buy that, while not the best in flavor, will do in a pinch at a con if you are really trying to save bucks. (Note: a no-no is to bring your own hotplate--fire hazard!) On to other things: you might want to bring a small bag of medical supplies, including some or all of the following: bandages, Bactine, aspirin, Tums, Imodium, tweezers, and sunscreen; a pocket knife can also come in handy, as well as nail clippers if you break a nail. You might also want to take Airborne daily while at the con to help keep germs away (the infamous "con crud"). Take some multivitamins, too. If you’re a fursuiter, remember to bring a repair kit with you, including things like needle and thread, fabric glue, and, if you have them, extra fur for patching or other spare parts for replacing things that might break. Bring Gatorade to replenish yourself after suiting. If you have one, take a cell phone with you. Make sure numbers of family members are there in the directory on your phone to contact in case someone needs to call and you are unable to. Barring that, just in case, keep a list of contact names in your wallet or purse. This isn’t always necessary if you are with close friends who already know whom to contact in an emergency, but in a panicky situation it might be should they forget the numbers to call. Do not take valuables with you to a con, such as expensive jewelry, lots of cash, or expensive electronics, unless you can keep them in a safe while at the hotel. And keep an eye on your fursuit; it’s not unheard of for people to lose parts at a con. Keep cherished items you might have been considering taking (e.g., a favorite plushie) at home. You don’t want to risk losing something like that at a hotel. Check the weather forecast before you leave home and make sure you pack clothes appropriate for the weather, especially if you’re going somewhere that gets very chilly at night. Take a bathing suit if the hotel has a pool (they usually do). Some furry gatherings are actually campouts, in which case you want to be even more prepared. If you have never been camping, you should ask others who have and see what to bring. The above advice is for cons that are held at hotels. Thanks for asking! Hope this is a valuable post for some of you con-goers out there! It doesn't apply to just your first con, but to any furcon. Papabear Dear Papabear,
You have helped me before and I was hoping you could help me with a different issue. I recently moved into an apartment with a new roommate. Every day I become more and more attracted to him. He is funny, very nice, and we share a lot of common interests. He knows I am gay and is very supportive of that (his dad is gay) but he told me he himself is straight. However from the somewhat unsure way he told me this and by his behavior and some of the other things he has told me about himself and his past actions and relationships (including a few very brief straight relationships), I get the feeling more and more that he is at least bisexual. Now for the other part of the problem, I'm already somewhat in a “relationship”' with someone. I've known him for a bout a year and a half now and I do love him, that is true. The problem is he is living out of state and can only visit once or twice a year and whenever he does I have only spend a day with him per visit. During these visits I never feel any real urge to be physically intimate with him despite the fact that he does and that we have had opportunities to do so and the fact that we have had sex once. We talk of being intimate when talk on Skype and such, but when the opportunity occurs, I just don't feel anything. The long-distance relationship is getting hard for me to keep up due to an increasingly busy schedule, living without my parents for the first time, and his own busy schedule. I like my current boyfriend (although it is starting to feel more like a good friendship than a full relationship) but I feel more and more attracted to my new roommate, who is obviously closer and who could very much be a potential partner. What should I do? Should I stick with my difficult long distance relationship, or try to move on to a new opportunity? Sincerely, Kuma * * * Dear Kuma, It’s interesting to me that, in both cases, your relationship seems to be defined by sexual attraction. Relationships are not all about sex, although sex is an important factor. Before you make decisions about a relationship, though, you should weigh the other aspects of these two guys. Yes, you do note the first guy is funny, nice, and you have some shared interests, so what is it about the LDR guy that makes you love him? But getting back to the sexual aspect. LDR guy doesn’t turn you on, clearly. You say yourself that you “don’t feel anything.” That, combined with the fact that you don’t see him in person very much, really equates to a bad-idea relationship. Papabear suspects you know that already and that what you want to do is break it off with him. You don’t need a second opinion to approve that decision, hon. If you don’t see a future with him, trust your gut on this. As for Mr. He-Might-Be-Bisexual, be very careful of the possibility you might be projecting your desires onto him—that is, your desire that he be gay or bi could just be wishful thinking and you're deliberately interpreting his behavior as something it really isn’t. I would strongly advise you to not try to influence his sexuality by making any moves on him to “test the waters” and see if you can make his, you wish, gay side come out. Figuring out one’s sexuality is about as deeply a personal experience as one can have, and it should come from within, not from outside pressure. In other words, do not push him. He may, indeed, be straight, and, for now, you need to accept that or else risk destroying the relationship you have now. If things should turn out differently at some point, he’ll make it clear to you at that time. In summary, Kuma, based on what you say in your letter, neither one of these guys is, at this time anyway, a good choice for you. You need to find a guy who offers more for you than a long-distance, sexually sterile relationship, as well as more from a guy who seems nice but hasn’t figured out who he is yet. Remember, though, to also look for other traits that appeal to you besides just sex. Keep looking. Hugs, Papabear Hello again, dear bear,
It's The Listener again. It's been a long time since I wrote you last. Jan of 2013, I believe. I had a bit of a mix up with my now ex-mate, her married partner and their cub. As it went, that relationship just ate itself from the inside out and there really wasn't much her partner or I could do. He and I are actually better friends now than we are with her. Sad to say we actually tried to keep everything together more then she did.... In the end, she is now with a new male and left the rest of us kinda wondering what the hell happened. But now I have a new problem. How to let go? After the big break up, I moved back to where I started and have been putting my life back together. My ex-mate and I tried to restart our friendship. And it seemed to be going well! Then about two months later, she suddenly just stopped talking to me or anyone we knew. I'm left feeling lost and hurt. Wondering what the hell I did wrong when I know all the drama was pretty much on her end. So I guess I just need help moving on and letting go? I'm still upset about not getting at least a warning she suddenly wanted to end even our friendship.... We talked pretty much every day for over four years. I just don't know what to do with this sudden whole in my daily life. When I say we talked every day, I mean we talked like all day ... before work, breaks at work, and then late in to the night after work. I'm trying to put myself and my life back together....but it's hard when such a big part is missing. Thank you for you time, The Listener * * * Dear Listener, As we go through life, we will meet a number of very special people who will later leave us. Sometimes through death, sometimes they just fade away after moving to another part of the world, and sometimes there will be a fight and a division that way. Whether, in the last case, the fault lies with you or the other person really becomes irrelevant after a few years when the relationship is irrevocably split. A lot of people, such as yourself, talk about “getting over it,” meaning, really, “How do I stop being sad about the end of a relationship?” Two possible answers: if you are a person without a heart, you will easily dismiss the experience and go about your merry way without a heavy heart, but if you have a heart, you will always feel the pain to some extent, though it may fade some with time. Since you are still disturbed by what happened, the good news is you aren’t a heartless furry. In this bear’s opinion, there is a reason that in life we experience sadness and pain, and that is to learn from what has happened and, hopefully, correct it. But it is also so that we can treasure the bright moments in our life all the more. If everything in life were sunshine and roses, we wouldn’t understand and appreciate the good things in life. My advice to you is to, first off, not try to get over your friend. You should remember the four years you had together and cherish the parts of it that were happy. Secondly, you need to try and learn from this. Rereading your past letter from 2013 (http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/this-love-triangle-is-further-complicated-by-a-cub), the basic situation as I understand it was that you were a third party to a couple who had a child together. You talked about how you didn’t really want a cub in your life, so it was pretty clear to me this was not going to work out. “What the hell happened” was that she, the cub’s mom, couldn’t handle the polyamorous relationship as well as you and he thought she could (I’m assuming the cub is with her?) The lesson here for you to learn is not to step in it, which you have in a big way. That she actually tolerated your moving in with the father of her child is really quite surprising and amazing. I’m not sure what was going on in her head, but evidently she was trying her darndest to maintain some sort of cohesion with the father of her child, even if that meant tolerating another woman in the mix. Astounding, really, in my opinion. Her reconnecting to her ex likely has to do with her concern for her child, while her silence toward you is likely caused by her finally reaching her limit and no longer wishing to endure “the other woman.” She apparently put up a good front for a long time, even trying to be friends with you, but now she’s done. Yes, this is speculation on my part, since I have not spoken to her, but it seems a logical conclusion, given the circumstances. As I said, then, take this time in your life and reflect on the good and the bad of it. Learn from it. Do not “get over it” or forget about it, because there are valuable lessons to be learned here, especially concerning walking through a minefield when you are the foreign soldier in a strange land. Good luck, Papabear Papabear,
I've been taken advantage of as a freelance furry cartoonist, you may know the type who ask for a drawing and expect it to be free despite my saying it's a paid commission all over the place and then giving me a sob story (birthday, sick, thought it was free) to just not pay for a drawing. What do you think I could do to prevent such a thing on FurAffinity, Anthrocon, and other furry social settings? Sign Me, Pushover When It Comes to Commissions * * * Dear Pushover, A hard row to hoe is the life of a freelance artist, whether you draw, write, or compose music. Artists are grossly underappreciated in American culture (even the famous ones get screwed out of money), and it’s gotten worse since the advent of the Internet, where people seem to believe that artists don’t have bills and obtain their sustenance through photosynthesis. “The Internet should be free! All art on the Internet should be free! Online radio should be without commercials!” Sometimes I think these people believe artists to be magical fairies who don’t buy food or rent apartments; they clearly sew their garb from spider webs and mushroom gills and frolic about in the magical land of Narnia, where Aslan takes care of all their every need. Then, as a hobby on the side, they post art on the Internet (even though getting an AC adapter in Narnia can be a challenge—but at least Aslan ate all the people at Time Warner cable to provide his people with free Web access). Sorry, pet peeve of mine. I’ll stop with the sarcasm. Yes, there are artists who post for free online ... a lot of them, and furries love them for it. But I also know artists who actually need the money from commissions to get by in life because they've lost their "real" jobs or are underemployed. I’ve always been impressed by the talents of the many artists in the fandom. Their work deserves compensation, and if you are one of those people who commissions a work of art from a fellow furry and then reneges on the deal after the artist provides you with said art—then shame on you! You knew there was a fee for the work, and now you try to wheedle out of your side of the deal? To quote John Cleese, “I fart in your general direction.” You are a malignant leech. But getting paid for your work is not only a challenge in the furry fandom. Artists all over face this problem, especially commercial artists. As you’ll find in this informative article, https://www.writersandartists.co.uk/artists/advice/180/exhibiting-and-working-on-commission/working-on-commission/freelancing-for-beginners, businesspeople have become expert when it comes to excuses not to pay for the artist’s work. Papabear’s come across this issue before in this column, and the only really solid solution I can come up with is this: Create a simple written contract between you and your client explaining what the commission is and the terms of payment. I would recommend getting payment up front. If a commissioner has a problem with that, you probably don’t want him or her as a client. If you prefer, you might also try the half now, half later payment method, where you at least get part of the money up front. Offer a refund if the commissioner doesn’t like the work, but if you go that route, what you should do initially is send them a very low-res version of the file so that they can’t use it, and/or watermark your art thumbnail. To succeed as an artist in this world, you also need to think like a businessperson. Unless you are giving your art out as a gift to friends and family, trade in art is a business. Treat it as such and you will decrease the number of times you get screwed by dishonorable commissioners. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
As I have been seeing the last few years since my last con in July 2011 which was my latest interaction with furs. I tried rejoining the local fur group here and not knowing till maybe 1-3 months later I couldn't post on the SEFF [Southeast Florida Furs] FA page. OK, so I asked one of the heads about it and he said that there were some complaints from some furs, not saying who they were and what the complaints were about because they were "confidential." Since then I have only really known one fur locally from another fur group I was in since 1998. I try to hang out with him or plan something and all I get from him is, "I'm working that weekend/day/night." So my question is, "Is he avoiding me?" Now, about getting together with others on the other hand: What do you suggest? Ace (age 32) * * * Dear Ace, With any group dynamic, there is inevitably social politics, drama, cliques, and all that bogus crap you may have naively believed would end after high school but still continues with “adults” your age. I have experienced this in everything from business (departments fighting with each other), to nonprofits (favoritism and shunning at a certain zoo I once volunteered at), to the gay community (the infamous A vs. B list of gay men in pretty much any community, mostly having to do with how much money you earn, how you dress, and who you know—you know, the things that really matter to people who are shallow douchebags). Once “rumors” or “whispers” behind your back start to develop in a group, whatever group that might be, you’re usually toast at that point. People will glomp onto the popular furs in a group, believing whatever they say just to not be rejected, and accept whatever they say negative about a particular person. That’s one possibility. There are other possibilities, but this is all speculation, since I don’t know everything about your situation. If you have made the effort to mend fences only to be rejected, then what you can do is try to form your own furry group. Stop being a follower and joiner and, instead, become a leader in your area. Invite furries to your home, organize activities, etc. You might find that there are other furries in your area who have also felt rejected by the established group there and that would be happy to join you. Create your own Facebook page and Meetup page and publicize the hell out of your new group. When people ask to join, be welcoming and friendly and helpful. There is always a need for new furry groups; I am constantly hearing from furries like you who can’t find a group nearby or, sometimes, who don’t feel the local group is very welcoming (sad, but true). Sometimes in life the only way to get what you want is to take charge yourself, make your own rules, and lead the pack instead of being an omega wolf. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Sorry in advance about the mess and tangle of words and ideas in the upcoming text... Is this a good idea? This question deserves a long story, to begin, I'm gay. Simple right? Not really... Anyways, to officially begin, ever since last year, grade 7 or high school. (Canada schooling)... I've had a crush on this guy right, let's call him Luca. So, when this crush started to develop, I decided to tell him I like him, so I did and he took it very well. He said, "Hey, I don't care that much, well, I care that it's me but, you have the right to like anyone right? But I don't want to be more than a friend. Cause, I need a friend like you." So to this I responded in like, as in, I responded by saying, "oh, ok, thanks for the understanding, it means a lot to have a friend like you..." So we remained friends for the past year and this year. Catch is he isn't that much more than an acquaintance, but then again, we still considered each other friends. So anyways, we remained that way for the two years, and now, my heart is just exploding with feelings that I can't contain anymore. My idea was to invite him camping with my family and I, (I sent an email asking and still haven't got a response.) And now I think that by doing that it could've wrecked all my chances with him... I did take precautions by saying, since we don't know each other that well, it may be a good idea to have your parents meet me and vise-versa. So, it doesn't stop here, when I send him an email, he never responds. So this time I'm worried he won't respond again... And I'm scared to think of what will happen, I'm scared of rejection etc... But my logic behind this idea was that maybe if I become closer to him I might have a greater chance with him. And I'm scared to talk to him, to ask him, I have barely enough courage to tell him to check his emails. Which I will do tomorrow... But, I feel like that this while idea was a bad one, and I'm starting to regret it. Please let me know if you think if this was a good idea and if you have any suggestions to reduce the amount of fear I have about everything. And you readers who read this. Thanks, Steve (age 13) * * * Hi, Steve, I think it might help you to look at this scenario from Luca’s point of you. Imagine that you are approached by a guy who, to you, is not much more than an acquaintance, though a friendly one. Suddenly this guy says he has a crush on you, which would be a bit of a surprise to you, yes? I mean, you don’t know him that well and suddenly he says he has loving feelings for you. So, being a nice guy, you try and let him down easy, expressing that you are flattered but would just like to be friends. Next thing you know, you are being asked to go camping with his family, people whom you know even less well—if at all. Wouldn’t this make you uncomfortable? The other guy says, “Let have our parents meet each other and discuss the trip.” You might be like, “Huh? This is weird; don’t you have some closer friends to ask on a camping trip? Ohhh, I get it, you still have a crush on me, and you want to get me alone in the woods somewhere, don’t you.” Can you see how this line of reasoning might come about? And, if you do, can you see why he might be avoiding you now? Private invitations to camping trips with one’s family are best left for those who are already very close friends (Papabear would never camp out with people he doesn’t know). For those who you are just starting to get to know, it’s much better to do something like a movie or another public activity, and preferably one that lasts just a few hours, not days like a camping trip does. It’s understandable that, at age 13, you got a little head over heels in love and it kind of stopped your brain from thinking things through. Excusable at 13, most definitely, but older readers of this column could pay heed, as well. You may have already scared Luca away, and it will be very hard to get him back, I predict. Take it as a lesson learned that in matters of the heart it is not just your feelings—no matter how sweet and romantic—that matter. This isn’t meant as discouragement, Steve. Next time, look for a spark in the other person as well. Yes, there are times when love at first sight can happen, but more typically falling in love occurs over time. I admire your boldness in one so young, but it’s okay to let love come to you, sometimes, too. Hugs, Papabear |
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