Dear Papa Bear,
I've got quite a personal issue I've never really come to a conclusion on. From a very young age, I've never been truly able to identify with myself as a female. When my father lived with us, he constantly discouraged me from my passion, weightlifting, terrified of the thought of me becoming “bulky.” My mother always tried to bully me into wearing more “girly” or slutty clothing, and still does at present, even when I go out in a dress I consider to be cute. I was very self-conscious of my body until I was about 16, so I tended to wear very baggy clothing to “mask” my figure (I leaned on the chubby side up until that age). When I started getting serious about fitness and eating clean, in addition to all the weightlifting I was doing, I began and maintain to this day a body that I'm proud of. I became a lot more accepting of my female body, although not quite completely. I brought up my concerns with my mother, who was very supporting and said it didn't matter to her whether I was male or female. Then I started dating my first boyfriend (who I'm still very happily with), and the sexual aspects of our relationship only served to make me even more comfortable with my female body. I do not identify with the female stereotype in any way, nor have I ever attempted to, but some days, when I reflect upon myself, I find it incredibly difficult to muster up any definitive “acceptance” of myself as a woman. I don't MIND having breasts or female genitalia, but sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier not having them, too. I've brought this up with my boyfriend in the past, and I remember him being quite neutral on the subject. He more or less just heard me out on it. I'm not sure why I'm having these thoughts. I think that when I was younger and less happy with my body, I thought it'd be easier to simply not have to be a female because they're held to such high expectations to look good and be sexy and all that crap, and then as I matured and realized I don't care about any of that, those feelings faded away, but not completely. What do you think, Papa Bear? The Gryphon (18) * * * Hi, Gryphon, My first impression of your letter is that you are not having a gender-identity issue so much as you are experiencing an issue with your family's, and society’s, expectations of what it is to be a woman. According to you, you are (mostly) fine with being anatomically a woman, and you are fine with having a boyfriend (even, it sounds like, enjoying the sexual part of it), so I don’t think you are a lesbian, nor do I see you as destined to be a transsexual. What you don’t like is being made to dress up in girly things and act in a feminine manner. You don't like being pressured by parents to be something you are not. I suspect you only kind of resent having breasts and a vagina because they lead others to categorize you and make demands on you as to how you should behave. They are, in a way, symbols of oppression that are literally attached to your body and therefore difficult to ignore. I suspect that if your parents and others had no problem with your lifting weights and being fit, wearing jeans or less “girly” clothes, etc. you would be less stressed and upset about being a woman. At 18, you are more accepting of your female body than you were earlier in life. Given this and the other things you have said (and I don’t know whether you were asking me about the possibility of a sex change operation), I would definitely not recommend anything drastic for you. You should only pursue that possibility if you are absolutely 100% unhappy with being your current gender and feel you cannot be who you truly are without that operation. You must be completely certain, too, that you are doing it for yourself and not because of what others say. Your case is not nearly so extreme to warrant surgery, and I believe that, as you get older and less pressured by parents, and feel less pressure from others to fit a certain stereotype of a women, you will be more comfortable in your current skin. Although some feelings of discomfort still remain at present, I would definitely relax a bit if I were you and see how you feel in, say, three years when you’re 21. I'd be most curious to receive a letter from you then. The key is to make yourself happy with who you really are, not what others see you as or want you to be. Hugs, Papabear
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Hey PapaBear!
I am honored to be officially asking you a question on your wonderful page here. I realize I could just ask you personally, but I feel that this is a good question to put out in public, so anyone with a similar inquiry can read it and be informed as well. I would love to participate in few volunteer spots in public in my fursuit, but I'm tremendously worried about security issues, which always keep me from asking or inquiring. I have been pleasantly surprised in the past though, as certain theaters, bowling alleys, and social events have welcomed Royce with open arms and given him favorable "reviews" (while others deemed the walrus to be "too scary"). I'm eager to do a few more, but really nervous about scaring people, creeping them out, or worse yet, getting in unintended trouble with the law. Before I go ANYWHERE in my fursuit, I try to contact anyone in management and get permission, giving them as much info as they require (including pictures of the costume), and am always obedient of any rules and regulations that they would want me to follow. Much of the time I don't get any responses, or I get generic ones that seem to say that what I sent was so spontaneously weird that it was flat-out rejected. I have also been wondering about the value of getting some kind of "permit" from the local police, so if anyone questions my presence, I can just show them the permit (stapled to the inside of my coat or something easily to show when needed). But that's probably more ideal than realistic. This isn't life or death; I wouldn't want to be Royce too often anyway, but it's a wonderful thing to do spontaneously and in unexpected situations, to brighten people's days and give back to the community somehow. :) So could you give us some advice/etiquette on how to go about fursuiting in public, if there is such a way? Much love, warmth, and peace to your beautiful ursine heart, always, Papabear. <3 Sincerely, Royce (34) * * * Dear Royce, Thanks for your question. I, too, have had the urge to fursuit on occasion outside of the usual furcon or furmeet. I have actually done this a couple times in downtown Palm Springs to help promote a business there for which my mate, Yogi, was doing PR work; and I did it for charity in Indio once. I never had a problem from the local police here, but there are some things you should keep in mind. Check local ordinances (easiest to do this at your local police station). These vary widely, covering such issues as public decency (don’t go nude wearing only your fursuit head LOL), solicitation laws, and being a public nuisance (also, no dressing up as a police officer or other local authority). When it comes to fursuiting, the most likely issue to cause you to bump heads has to do with wearing a mask in public. Given the gradual decline of civilization in this country in which people put on masks to rob banks, abduct children, smuggle drugs, and shoot people in theaters, and so on, you can understand that police would worry about someone dressed as an animal where you can’t see his or her face. Some exceptions apply here, of course, such as if you are a Muslim woman who conceals her face in public. I’m fairly sure that’s okay in the United States, although other countries (France, Australia, and even liberal Netherlands) have insisted that everyone’s face must be uncovered in public. Again, I never went to the police or city hall to get a permit to dress as Grubbs. Of course, the first time I did this it was Halloween; also, we’re talking Palm Springs and the street fair, where it is common to see people wearing odd attire. More conservative parts of the country (which is just about everywhere when you compare it to Palm Springs!) might have some objections. I don’t see you needing a permit, per se, unless you were fursuiting as a way to sell something and therefore needed a business license of some kind. If you are fursuiting on private property (e.g. a mall or other shopping center), then, yes, you should definitely get permission from the owners there. On the other paw, I've been to public events such as the Lake Murray Furry Anthro Outing in San Diego (best acronym ever: LMFAO) where many people fursuit at the park and there is absolutely no problem. In another scenario, my buddy Tycho Brahe got clearance at his place of work to fursuit, which is really cool of them. The best occasion to fursuit—outside of private parties and furry functions—in my opinion would be at a charitable event. I did this for a charity in Indio with my local bear group—the Bears of Coachella Valley—at Christmastime, dressing up as Grubbs and handing out cookies and cocoa to underprivileged families (the next day we gave away hundreds of donated bicycles—lemme tell ya, that is the BEST way to celebrate Christmas). Fursuiting goes well together with charities for animals and children. I highly recommend you get involved in a local charity like that if you can. It is very soul-satisfying. As for being “scary,” yeah, I’m familiar with that. Some people find Grubbs a little frightening, and I have, unintentionally, scared a couple small children. But most people are totally fine with it. It comes with the territory. You never know what might scare people. Some people freak out when they see a clown or a Disney costumed character. I remember working in the butterfly house at the Detroit Zoo as a docent, and a couple of these kids were afraid of butterflies. BUTTERFLIES! (A sad testimony to the egregious separation of modern humans from the natural world). So, really, there is nothing you can do to prevent such things from happening 100%. How I operate is by following basic fursuiting guidelines that one learns at furcons or from fursuit makers. Such behaviors as not aggressively approaching children but, rather, letting them approach you, and not touching people without their permission are good guidelines to follow. A final possibility is fursuiting for a business as a mascot. There are a number of furries who are also professional mascots and have a great time with that. Your walrus costume might be a little bit challenging in terms of finding someone who wants a pinniped for a mascot, but who knows? Wouldn’t it be great to find a high school whose team is known as the Fighting Walruses? Er... hmm. Perhaps a seafood restaurant might be more likely. I hope this helps. Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I've just finished high school and will start university in September in another country. I am very excited, as I find the country I have been living in (and will continue to live in until September) is not very compatible with me (extremely hot throughout the year, very ill-mannered and selfish people etc.). The only downside is that my boyfriend of two years will remain here for some time before he can join me. We intend to continue the relationship regardless of my move. Lately, I've been giving strong consideration to staying with my boyfriend and his mother when I return here for holidays or breaks, rather than my family's house. This is due to a variety of reasons, the main one being that I've always disliked how hectic living in a house with a ton of people can be (my family is quite large, even without some of my siblings living with my parents anymore). It is this, and the fact that whenever my older brother visits from abroad, he demands to be given rides to places and generally is a burden on my parents, and the fact that I do NOT wish to be a burden on my parents after I leave for university, that make me want to spend as little time as possible staying at my parents’ place. Perhaps I should spend a day or two there and then go stay with my boyfriend and arrange to meet my family for things like dinner every few nights or so? What do you think? Kitty * * * Hi, Kitty, I think you already know the answer to your question, don't you? You want to stay with your boyfriend and then just visit your parents, who, apparently, are close by. Why not? You're 18 and old enough to decide such things. Are you asking because you think your parents might disapprove? Or are you just afraid your parents might be a little hurt if you don't stay with them? Papabear * * * I think because of both of those things. Also, my boyfriend isn't very close by. Thanks for getting back to me. * * * Hi, again, Well, my previous advice still stands, then. Although your concerns about your parents’ feelings are admirable, you are not going to be happy living in that home. If you can manage to live with your bf and still visit your parents, then that might actually even work better for them, too, because they won’t have the added stress of your being in their already overcrowded home. Put your feelings of guilt aside and remember that your feelings and needs are important, too. But do make an effort to visit your parents at least a couple times before you leave the country. You’re at the age of adulthood now, Kitty, and have the right to start living your own life. This is not selfish of you; it’s something you need to do to grow up as a human being. As long as you are not selfish to the point of being totally inconsiderate of other’s, you’re fine. Good luck with your move. I hope things work out for you! Papabear Papabear,
I'm nearly 25 years old; I've known that I am gay since I was 16. I'm still a virgin. This has plagued my self-esteem for years. I spent a lot of time wondering if guys would hear this fact and think, "Oh, nobody has ever slept with him? There must be something wrong with him. Time to skedaddle!" I'm not very attractive, I spend most of my day writing code designed to hack programs running on other peoples' computers, then sharing this code with the people who maintain said programs so they can fix it. I don't get out much as a result. (And there isn't much tolerance for homosexuals and furries in the world of information security.) According to a 2006 document issued by the US CDC (Center for Disease Control, not Cult of the Dead Cow), 96% of people have had at least one sexual encounter at the age of 20. It's also known that the average age of losing one's virginity is 16.9 for males and 17.4 for females. If we use these two points and assume a bell curve (because no further research has been done), age 25 marks 6 standard deviations from the average. Recently, one of my friends showed me the Elliot Rodger manifesto video, where he decried his own virginity before killing many innocent people. Now I stare in the mirror and wonder if I'm the same kind of monster somewhere deep inside. Maybe, on some level, everyone sees that in me and that's why nobody gives me the time of day. Should I keep holding onto the fantasy of ever finding a loving relationship with another (furry) man that is unlikely to ever happen? Anonymous * * * Hello, Anonymous, The central question here is why do you think you are still a virgin? Just in your short letter, I can think of a couple reasons. First of all, you lack confidence in your appearance. You say you are not very attractive. Who says? By whose standards? Don’t go by what’s on TV or in fashion magazines, and don’t think that all people (men or women) are so shallow that they only go by looks, and don’t forget about tastes. You might be surprised by how attractive you could be to some guys out there. I’m guessing perhaps you are overweight, for example. There are a lot of gay guys out there who like their men chubby. True beauty, to use the cliché, comes from within, and when you have confidence in yourself that comes out in very attractive ways to those around you. Problem two is what you do for a living for two reasons: 1) you “don’t get out much,” so how the heck are you going to meet anyone if you don’t get out?, but 2) could be more important, depending on what you mean by your job. When I first read it, it sounded like you were a hacker who writes malicious code and then sells fixes to other unethical people. If that’s the case, then you have what I consider a serious character flaw that could wash over into your personal life, making you less than desirable as a mate. However, re-reading it, it could be that you are writing code to show companies what vulnerabilities their programs have so that they can write patches to prevent future hacking. If that is the case, then you’re doing a good thing and no worries there. I just wasn't sure by the short description which of these it was. I find your observation that “in the world of information security” furries and LGBT people are not very welcome to be puzzling. Why would they care? You’re a bunch of people sitting at computers writing code. Why would the subject even come up? You have a very analytical mind, as evidenced by your citing stats from the CDC. I suggest you are overthinking this, freaking yourself out and creating an infinite loop that results in a self-fulfilling prophecy: “I haven’t had sex yet, so people will hate that I’m a virgin, so they won’t want to have sex with me, so I haven’t had sex yet, so people ....” Instead of obsessing about the sexual aspect, stop putting the cart before the horse and think about relationships. What you need to do is get out of your office, away from the computer, and meet people. Establish friendships and, hopefully, one will blossom into more than that, which will then lead to sex. If you are taking the opposite approach (“I want sex and then, maybe, a relationship”) you will end up sabotaging possible relationships before they even get started. That kind of attitude is a real turn-off for many. Not to advocate illegal behavior, but if you just want sex, there are ways to do that with some cash. Did I hear a “Ewww”? Hope so. As for Elliot Rodger—do you seriously feel you might flip out and kill people because you’re a virgin? If so, please seek counseling right away. My guess, though, is that it won’t come to that and that you realize Rodger had some serious mental issues. Just because you’re upset over being a virgin will not, in itself, make you homicidal. Rodger was already mentally unbalanced. The jealousy thing over other people’s happiness was just a trigger that shot off an already loaded gun. What you need is a new mindset. Stop saying things like love (or sex) for you is a “fantasy,” stop saying that you are homely, stop thinking negative things about yourself. The more you do that, the more you dig yourself into a hole. If you wish to improve your life, start looking at the positive things about you: you’re obviously smart since you can write complex code, you have a job (which is more than I can say for a lot of people out there), and you want something better for yourself, so you’re not complacent. Make up a list of positive things you like about yourself. Seriously, write them down. Then post this list somewhere prominent where you will always see it (like next to your computer). Then, whenever you hear yourself putting yourself down, immediately shut up and substitute that negative thought for one of the positive things on your list. Repeat it three times, such as "I'm a smart person, I'm a smart person, I'm a smart person." Repetition will help form pathways in your brain that will become part of your psyche with practice. Next, start taking care of yourself. Go out and get yourself some nice clothes (not necessarily expensive, just nice, so I don’t mean logoed T-shirts and worn jeans). Go to a salon and give yourself a good treatment of hair styling (ask for suggestions from the stylist), shaving, even pedi- and manicure. This might sound shallow, but how a person grooms him- or herself and dresses is a reflection of how they feel about themselves inside (also true for fursuiters, if you think of it, hmm). Furthermore, take care of yourself physically. Eat healthy foods, exercise, and get a good eight hours’ sleep every night. Feeling good and being healthy go a long way toward making yourself feel more confident. Most of us (except for the rich) can’t do anything about, say, a big nose or a weak chin without plastic surgery, but you can do a lot of things to counter that. Look at, for example, Quentin Tarantino (who leaps to mind). Not a very classically attractive person, but clean him up and put on a nice suit and he looks good. Part of looking good is his self-confidence; he knows he is talented, and it shows in his demeanor. Finally, give yourself a break. Relax, don’t obsess. I didn’t have my first sexual experience until I was 21, which is much later than the "average" in the stats you wrote down. And because I waited it was with someone who became the first love of my life. Everyone is different. Statistics are heartless figures that should not be used as barometers for our own lives. You are an individual, not a statistic. It will happen when it happens, but you can do a lot to increase the likelihood of it happening if you step away from the computer and treat yourself better. I Wish You Happiness, Papabear Dear Papabear,
A few months back a couple I was friends with broke up with each other. I'm still in contact with one of them, a guy (Wolf), but I haven't spoken to the girl (Tiger) since. Recently, I found artwork online of her and another guy (Husky) saying they were mated and the images are dated from the time Wolf and Tiger were going out. They were together in real life as well as in character. Even though it's possible that Husky and Tiger were not together in real life, I feel like I should do something. What should I do? Tell Wolf? Confront Tiger? Tell Husky that she wasn't 100% faithful? Please help, Kyle (age 27) * * * Oh, dear dear Kyle.... It is never a good idea to get into another couple’s affairs, especially in matters of infidelity. For one reason, you might be wrong about what’s going on here (you don’t really know the full story, I’m sure, and even admit yourself that Husky and Tiger might not have actually been together) and if you go tell Wolf about it and are wrong, you will make him look stupid and jealous and you will definitely get Tiger hating you, quickly followed by Wolf getting mad at you for making him look like a fool. Even if you are correct about this, it is none of your business and will still likely result in both of them resenting you, even Wolf. Why? Because, even though it isn’t fair, people have a way of blaming the messenger. If you are dead-set on telling someone about this, start with the unfaithful party, Tiger. Tell her you believe she was unfaithful and give her a chance to explain herself. You might be surprised by the answer. Once you have that information, it will help you to know how to proceed, or if you should proceed. Another, even more cautious approach, would be to have a chat with Wolf and Tiger, without saying you know anything, make sure they know that you are their friend and they can talk to you about anything if they need a shoulder to lean on. Be very careful how you tread because you stand the risk of losing your friendship with them if you pursue this. There’s a difference between being a friend and being a nosey busybody. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I am a new furry, and ever since deciding that I am a furry, I feel much happier with myself. Despite this, I face a major issue with myself, I often times feel as though my human self is not adequate compared to my fursona. From what I gather, many furries are simply artistically furry, only being furry online. I see an additional group of furries that fursuit, go to conventions, etc. But I have yet to see any furry like myself, I'm not trying to say I am unique, I am only concerned. It's hard to put into words, but essentially I wish I was my fursona, inside and out. I dream of having fur, a tail, ears, muzzle (I'm a wolf btw) and everything else. I dream of having to have holes in my pants for my tail to fit, holes in hats for my ears to fit. I want to be a furry, but it scares me for so many reasons... It scares me because I might lose all my family and friends, it scares me because I might not ever be successful because of prejudice, it scares me because, in all honesty it's only possible when I'm dead and in the heavens above. So overall Papa Bear, I guess I'm looking for advice on what a young furry is supposed to do when all they want is the impossible? Thanks, Z-Man (age 17) * * * My Dear Z-Man, It might seem like it because you are still new to furry, but you actually are not alone. There are quite a few furries who feel as you do. Me, for one. I find humans rather ugly, really. Snouts and fur and tails are beautiful, wings, too, and I wish I looked like my alter ego. There are some furries—and some who don’t necessarily think of themselves as furry, but are in a group that many associate with us—who feel they are their fursona self, either physically or spiritually or both. These people fall into either the Therian or Otherkin groups. Therians consider themselves, in one way or another, to be animals (wolves, bears, etc.), while Otherkin consider themselves to be what many would consider fantastical beings (elves, faeries, dragons, etc.). How true that is is a matter for considerable debate. I feel myself connected to bear in a spiritual way, but don’t believe I actually am ursine. I do have a spirit bear, though :-) As you have come to realize, to actually take the form of, in your case, an anthrowolf would be inviting great difficulty into your life. I was once at a con where Uncle Kage (Sam Conway, who is one of the furries who heads Anthrocon and is a frequent speaker on behalf of furries) gave a talk about what it would be like if people could actually be their fursonas. How would they adjust to life in the real world? Even such mundane things as clothing and furniture would be difficult (you mention a hole in the pants for a tail—well, try stuffing your tail through that every day—annoying). Being able to talk when your mouth is shaped like a wolf’s would be nearly impossible (I would imagine a new type of language would have to develop). Most disturbing, though, would be the instant prejudice furries would face from the human race. We’d be “freaks.” We wouldn’t be allowed to get jobs or go to school or live in neighborhoods with humans. Total alienation would result. The only way it might possibly work would be if everyone were a furry. But, I imagine, if that happened, we’d be faced with new prejudices, such as wolves against rabbits, bears against tigers, and so forth, prejudices that would be even more pronounced than our current racial troubles because the differences would be much more physically obvious. There are people in the real world who have had body modifications in order to look more like an animal. The most extreme example that I can think of was Dennis Avner (aka Stalking Cat). He tattooed his body with stripes, put implants in his cheeks to make them more pronounced, teeth were filed into fangs, ears surgically modified to be pointed, even whisker implants and a robotic tiger tail became a part of him. He was a tiger in his soul, as well, adhering to Native American spiritualism, which is where he got his feline name. In the end, he died in what was an apparent suicide (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/dennis-avner-stalking-cat-dead-suicide_n_2122947.html). The poor man must have been very unhappy deep down inside. Did he die because he concluded he could never be fully who he wanted to be? Or perhaps because he realized just how much he had destroyed his body and the realization was too much of a shock? Perhaps he could simply no longer bear existing within human society? Only he knew. There is a theory that furries are the way they are because they reject being in the human race, or even have what might be called “species identification” issues. This would be rather akin to what psychologists called “gender identity disorder” in which, for example, a boy identifies with being a girl and feels as if he were born the wrong gender. I, personally, don’t like calling it a “disorder.” Species identification “complex,” shall we say, would be the extreme end of the spectrum compared to furries who are merely hobbyists. That’s how it all started, after all, as a hobby, and that’s how many furries say it should remain. A small group of people meeting at science fiction conventions who liked to talk about fiction involving anthropomorphized characters are the ones who founded the modern furry fandom. But to a large portion of the fandom—sometimes called “lifestylers”—it is much more than that. You fit into this latter group. Okay, so we’ve established you are not alone and we’ve established that actually becoming your fursona in a physical way is neither realistic nor practical, possibly even harmful. You also mention a bit of wishful thinking that, after you pass on to the next life, you will be able to be your fursona in the other world—a thought that frightens you. Again, I empathize. My spiritual teacher, who is a bear therian, truly believes he will rejoin with Mother Bear in the next world. I would love it, too, if I could achieve my true form after this life. But let’s not rush into anything. Papabear believes we are given this life in order to learn from it, in order to accomplish something in this life. For instance, my teacher, Blackbear, founded a nonprofit in order to help save bears and also to educate dunderheads (“civilized people” who have only witnessed wildlife on TV and movies) how to behave properly when camping in bear territory (http://www.byronbear.com/default.asp or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Byron-T-Bear-Foundation/120005704736959). After decades of struggle, I now believe that Papabear was put here to write this column. Years ago, if I had succeeded in my suicide attempt during one of the most troubled times of my life, I would not be here today to help others. You are here, too, to help others in some way, but you haven’t found that purpose quite yet at the tender age of 17. So, please do stick around and don’t wish for that final day, which will come soon enough, believe me. You are not alone in wanting the impossible. But wishing for the impossible is how we dream. There was an author named Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. You might be familiar with his other name: Lewis Carroll. He loved a girl named Alice, the daughter of Henry George Liddell, the dean of Christ Church College, Oxford. Carroll took a lot of photos of Alice, and he was truly enamored by her, though, she being just a girl, of course he could do nothing about it. Instead, he created a magical world called Wonderland that Alice, in his mind, could inhabit. There is one scene in Through the Looking Glass in which Alice is rescued from the woods by a knight whom many interpret to be Carroll. The knight, though heroic, is physically awkward (rather like Carroll). If you read the scene, there are few things as heart-wrenching as when the knight bids Alice farewell and she, crossing the last brook to go on her way, is transformed into a queen and leaves his life forever, just as Alice eventually left Carroll to live her life. Alice goes on to conquer the Red Queen, awakening to speculate that perhaps she, too, is just a dream. What is more real? Reality or our dream of reality as it should be? Our imaginations, our hopes and dreams are just as real as houses and schools and taxes and politicians and jobs. They are just as much a part of us and they make us who we are. Our physical form is a mere illusion. What is in your heart is what is real, Z-Man. Even if people—including you—cannot see your tail.... it is there. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear, I am only new to the furry fandom and I want to know if there's a meaning behind the “nose boop.” Thanks for your time. Meep Out *waves bye-bye* * * * Dear Meep, The nose boop is not really just a furry thing; it is a cute sign of affection used by all sorts of people. Perhaps used more by furries (it’s fun to boop a fursuit nose!), but not at all unique to us. You could probably research it on the Internet and come up with all sorts of theories as to how this phenomenon originated. I’m not really sure. Since the 2007 movie Superbad and this scene it has become even more popular in our culture.
Culturally and sociologically speaking, any personal gesture that intrudes upon the area of a person’s face is a sign of affection and love. That’s why the kiss involves people’s lips and why Eskimos rub noses. Other than invading the genitalia, the face is a person’s most private area. So, a nose boop is a sign of affection. In my opinion, it’s a surrogate gesture for a kiss—what you do when you really like someone but are too shy or unsure of yourself to actually kiss them. So, anyway, the origins are rather murky, but it’s such a cute and endearing gesture it doesn’t really matter. The meaning of it is an affectionate one. So boop someone you like today! Thanks for the fun question! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear:
I was wondering if you had any advice for a furry such as myself who made some major mistakes that ended up in the loss of my mate. I dearly love him, and we still remain friends after what had happened. But about a year or two ago, I let my insecurities get the best of me and started a lot of fights over him constantly on his computer. I really went into a downward spiral that led to us breaking up. I felt that him being online all the time, due to my insecurities and the growing lack of attention we were giving each other, was becoming a real threat to our relationship. I began a plethora of fights over this, even threatening to leave him over it all, when I just wanted to be with him. I know what I did was stupid, insulting, disrespectful, and wrong. Yet, I still love him dearly and wish we could work things out and maybe end up back together eventually. Papa Bear, I know I should have handled things differently. Now I just need to know what I should do to try to make things right between us because I really do love him and want to be with him. Drako Tags (age 29) * * * Hi, Drako, First question: have you done anything to work on improving your self-esteem? Papabear * * * I have begun taking steps to work on my own self-esteem. Thankfully that was eased by me having roommates that were doing things I could not accept. So part of that was taking steps to remove those things from my house. * * * Hmm, interesting comment, but I’ll let it lay, although I’m wondering if “those things” involved something illicit. At any rate, good, work on that self-esteem, most definitely, because that was the trigger that led to everything spiraling out of control between you and your mate. Things are damaged right now, so in order for you to repair them—assuming he is still interested—you’ll need to show him that you have changed. Other than lack of personal hygiene, there are few things less attractive in a partner than someone with low self-esteem because when that person doesn’t even like him- or herself, it makes one wonder why you should like them. Work on making yourself someone he’d want to be with. I’m not sure how damaged this relationship is, but, no matter the degree, you’ll need to ease back into it slowly. Don’t just say, “Hey, let’s get back together and everything will be like it was when we were doing great again.” Approach it, instead, as if it were a brand new relationship. Go on some dates (no sex for a while; that will just complicate things) and get to know each other again. Then go from there. If things go well, then remember that, even when couples get along, arguments are inevitable, so learn how to “fight fairly.” I wrote an article about this last October that you might want to check out (http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/learning-to-fight-fairly-is-important-in-any-relationship). All of this should not be just one-way (although it sounds like you were the bigger offender of the two); he needs to also pay a bit more attention to you and not be mesmerized by the computer screen all the time. Remember, the reason for being together is to ... be together. Spend time doing fun things together—ideally, leaving cell phones and games at home (can the young people of today bear it?) and actually talk to each other while you are eating out, or going to an amusement park, or the beach, or whatever. You and he both need to do this. Make an agreement with him that you will be less of a needy nagger if he will spend less time on the computer and more time with you. Good luck! Here’s hoping it works out! Papabear Hi Papabear,
So I had this one friend who is an artist. We don't exactly talk too much but I will always leave a like and a comment on her pictures on Facebook or Instagram. Sometimes we would chat and she would give me advice on how I can become a better artist. A few months ago, I made a critique on one her friend's animation and she capped (yelled/scolded) at me. I then deleted the comment. Months later, I saw a picture she drew where she was practicing legs so I commented "Nice legs, what time do they open?" and she wrote back "totally lost respect for you now." I immediately apologized and said what I wrote was stupid and degrading. Then I removed the comment. This may be a silly question, but is it best I just delete her as a friend and forget about ever talking again? We never did talk much anyway and I feel so awful for making someone upset like that. I thought what I said was funny, but I did not think about what others thought of it. PearBearskunk (age 17) * * * Dear PearBearskunk, Granted this is a first impression on my part, but in your brief letter you mention two incidents in which this artist came back at you with highly upset responses. I don’t know how you phrased your critique of the animation, but let’s assume it wasn’t full of four-letter-words and was just a negative assessment. It’s perhaps nice that she stood up for her friend, but it sounds like she overreacted a bit and is rather oversensitive for some reason. On the second incident, well, it can be a little dicey. If, for instance, this artist had a bad experience in her life involving a chauvinist, sexual comments, or some sort of harassment, you might have pushed a button that triggered her hurtful response. Or, she might just be a bit of a prude. If you had made such a comment between you and a close friend whose sense of humor you understood, this could, indeed, have been a funny remark. It’s all about the audience, really. Some people are very sensitive, very religious, or just don’t get off-color remarks, while other people are not in the least offended by them. For the latter crowd, your comment was actually pretty mild. You say that the two of you never talked much, so, really, you are just acquaintances. I would suggest, therefore, that you don’t just jump the gun and cut her off. You have apologized for your comment, but I don’t know whether or not she accepted that apology. If not, write again and apologize one more time and ask her if she accepts your apology. In either case, contact her and say that you would like to become closer friends and get to know her a bit better. If she is open to that, getting to know her personality better should educate you on how to correspond with her in a way that won’t accidentally offend her. Emails and IMs can be tricky because texting does not convey well the body language and other nuances that clue people to the fact that you might be stating something ironically, sardonically, sarcastically, sympathetically, and so on. If you like this person, don’t give up on a friendship yet. Make a little effort to repair the damage and see if you can become good friends. Cheers, Papabear Papabear,
A couple months ago, my mate cheated on me. He went to stay with a friend, who I knew he had intentions to have sex with, but when I confronted him about it, he denied it was true. Then one night, he told me he'd gotten drunk, but had just cuddled. Then he admitted that blowjobs had occurred; this upset me, but I ended up calming down, and discussing the requirements I would need to start opening up our relationship, since it was clearly something he wanted, and I could either try to control how it happened, or know it would happen. I tried listing a situation where I would be all right with somebody else f***ing him; he simply said there was somebody there who he could have gotten f***ed by, and wanted to, who was larger than me (I'm a bit above averaged size down below, but I still feel self-conscious about it, since I know my boyfriend likes playing with large toys), which upset me greatly; it wasn't something I was ready for him to even say. He said it in a really insensitive way, and he made it clear I was absolutely powerless to stop it from happening. Then, the next day, he admitted he had been f***ed by this guy. My mate proceeded to, when I made it clear just how upset and hurt I was, tell me that I don't know how to have fun, because the guy he was visiting, and their friends, know how to, and like to, have fun. Overall, he made me feel powerless, unwanted, unloved, betrayed, disliked, and alone, and then further proceeded to blame me for this. He later insisted that he was just wording things badly, but since then, as we've been trying to patch things up, he switches between getting annoyed at me if I get introverted and upset but refuse to tell him why ... and getting upset at me for bringing him up if I DO tell him why, and telling me that he's done everything he can to fix things, and that I need to fix it if I want this relationship to continue. He's also mentioned since then that he did it because he's already waited since around when we first got together to sleep around with random guys, telling me that he was never that interested in monogamy, despite telling me he was (he later said that that was badly worded; apparently he ACTUALLY meant threesomes involving me, though that seems unlikely since he explicitly said he'd been waiting three years to do what he did, which wasn't anything involving me) and that he didn't want to wait until I was ready and confident enough to say we could have an open relationship, since he was scared of losing his sex drive and friends.... Meanwhile, a combination of stress and medication side effects have given me plenty of difficulty performing in bed, and I've had most of my friends simply stop talking to me; many of them continue to talk to my boyfriend all the time, though. All in all, this entire situation has massively harmed me, since it hit all of my doubts and worries and fears: my worries that I'm not good enough, despite him saying I am; my worries that people don't like me or want me around; my worries that if I did agree to an open relationship, it would mean he'd get fucked by a bunch of people, while I'd rarely have anybody to play with; and my deep fear that I am absolutely powerless in every single aspect of my life. Another Bear (age 21) * * * Dear Bear, I didn’t really see a question, per se, in this letter, but I assume it to be something like, “What should I do about this relationship?” At any rate, I suspect this is one of those letters where the writer already knows the answer in his heart but just wants a bit of a backup response to assure him he is thinking logically. Readers of this column know that, while Papabear asserts that sex is not the only aspect of a healthy relationship, he knows it can be a very important one. And if partners are not compatible in this area, it can definitely cause a lot of grief of the kind seen here. Having someone you love tell you that you are inadequate in bed can wreck a person’s self-esteem, as it has yours, but when you say you have a “deep fear that I am absolutely powerless in every single aspect of my life” I have to stop you there. First, the obvious: we are talking about just the issue of sex here, and sex is not every aspect of your life. Take a deep breath for a moment and get a grip. I’m sure you have many other wonderful qualities about you that make you a well-rounded and interesting person. I’ll bet there are other parts of your life that you do have control over and are doing well in. Second, judging by your letter, your partner is being very insensitive to you. Unlike the sexual aspect alone, insensitivity to one’s partner poisons every aspect of a relationship. I would venture to guess that he has said hurtful things to you on other issues besides sex; am I right? Likely, he apologizes lamely for what he said later, but we both know he really meant what he said. An active sex life with many partners is more important to him than you are; this is clear. Now, I’m not sure if there might be another reason you stay with him other than your professed love. Sometimes couples stay together because one is financially dependent upon the other; sometimes because they are just used to each other and comfortable in the arrangement; sometimes there is a severe codependency issue that has not been overcome (I suspect codependency on your part, but could be wrong). The question I must then ask is whether you have self-esteem problems and feel you can do no better than this guy. When it comes to sex, there are three kinds of relationships: 1) compatibility, in which both parties are happy in the sack; 2) platonic, in which neither party, for one reason or another (usually age, though you certainly can be an active senior!), cares about sex much anymore and a good snuggle is all that’s needed to make them happy; and 3) open relationships in which it is recognized that the partners are either not fully compatible or that they both have appetites that a one-course meal cannot satiate. You’re trying for this third option, but in this scenario it must be clear to both parties what is going on, and both parties must respect the other person and treat them with love at all times—otherwise, what is the point of the relationship? I’m therefore not troubled so much by your partner having a more-driven libido than yours as I am by his obtuse insensitivity toward your feelings, especially when factoring in that you are on medications that apparently affect your performance; also, people should never underestimate the power of stress to ruin your health, including your ability to sleep and have sex. I’m wondering why he is with you at all if he feels unkindly toward you. He seems to feel that he will do whatever he wants, and if you don’t like it, tough, and that on some level it is even your fault. Why would you want to be with a person like this? I will leave it there for now. Take some time to consider why you are with this man, and work on your self-esteem. You are deserving of better treatment than this. Believe it or not, there are other people out there whose sexual appetites are more suitable to your own and would probably love having a mate like you in their life. Hugs, Papabear * * * [Follow-Up Email] Thanks for your response, Papabear. I would like to clarify, when I said I felt powerless in every aspect of my life, I meant more than just sex. I know sex isn’t the only thing in my life. And he says plenty of hurtful things to me; he always apologizes, but he still says them. or he doesn’t apologize, but instead says I misunderstood, or that he worded it badly, but he says this even with things that are clearly worded and in a context where they can’t really mean what he claims they do (although that might be because of his infuriating habit of speaking as if everybody knows what he’s thinking, without any consideration for how others might interpret his actions and words). And yes, codependency is an issue here. You hit it right on the head; I feel like he’s the best option I have, since I don’t have many friends. The only people who seem to like me are people who have never met me irl, which in combination with years of bullying and exclusion as a kid, leaves me feeling like I’m unlikably in the real world. And honestly, I don’t want somebody with a libido as low as mine, I’d rather have a libido that matches that of all the people I know. Another Bear * * * Hi, Again, Bear, Okay, now we're really getting somewhere. You recognize that he is bad for you, but the problem isn't him so much--it's you. You will not get out of situations like this until you improve your self-image and sense of worth. Step 1 in doing this is to oust the negative people in your life, including this A-hole, and surround yourself with more positive people. Now, you say you have trouble forming actual friendships in the real world. I suggest that a big reason for this is your negative self-image, which likely was formed during your childhood. So... Step 2 is to work on your self-esteem. Here is a very good, concise article on how to work on that: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/10/30/6-tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/ Step 3 is to set goals and dreams for yourself and make a plan to achieve them. Don't just "settle," and don't just "get by" in life. You only have one life, and, as they say, this isn't a trial subscription. This is the real deal. Step 4: While you are working on your goals, don't neglect living in the present. Pardon a cliche, but happiness isn't a goal, it is a journey. As for the libido issue, I understand. As noted above, your problems were stress and medication affecting your sex drive. Are you diabetic? Type 2? If so, there are things, you know, you can do about that to actually lose weight and recover from this disease. If it is something else, I hope it is not a permanent, chronic problem and you can eventually overcome it. If you are taking stress/anxiety medications, for example, those can, a bit ironically, have a negative impact on your sex drive. Same is true if you are on antidepressants. There are many hormones and neurotransmitters coursing through your body that affect libido. Testosterone (and estrogen) are the most familiar, but also hormones generated by your thyroid gland (If you have a thyroid issue, that could definitely be a cause). Low levels of serotonin, melatonin, and dopamine also have a role in sex drive. If you haven't already done so, it might be a good idea to have a blood test to measure some of these chemicals in your system. Talk to your doctor. And as to the stress, you are probably putting that on yourself by fretting over the boyfriend and such. By getting rid of that problem, you'll go a long way toward alleviating stress and feeling better, and when you feel better, your libido will improve. At age 21, you should have a raging libido. Taking care of this problem will also help your self-esteem. Everything in the body and psyche is connected, so fixing one difficulty will, by necessity, Good luck, bear! Papabear * * * Thanks for that link, Papabear. It’s almost scary how well it seems to describe my self-esteem situation. And thankfully, I’m not diabetic, though I am a tad overweight (and slowly working on fixing that, though things like anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues make motivation for that difficult). As far as I know, I don’t have any thyroid issues, though serotonin is likely part of it; unfortunately, the antidepressants I was on gave me negative side effects in bed, and then I ended up in a situation where I had to quit them faster than recommended, which can cause some of those side effects to last a long time. I probably should get a blood test done, but I’m horribly terrified of needles, and also scared that blood test might not give any useful results for my sexual problems, or my emotional problems, leaving me still trying to deal with "invisible" problems. Plus, one of the things that’s kept me from seeking help for some of this stuff is fear that people will think I’m making it up. Thanks again for the excellent reply :) * * * Hello, Bear, There are two possible causes for your libido problem: physical or mental. I would recommend trying to overcome your fear of needles to do the blood test. Check to see if it is physical first. If not, then you could probably benefit from some therapy to overcome your anxieties and fears. You're kind of getting yourself into an endless loop: you have fears, but fear that checking on those fears will cause people to judge you for your fears, so you end up not getting help, which results in the continuation of your state of fear. Take charge of this problem, rather than letting it take charge of you, and you will be able to feel better and find the happiness you desperately need. Hugs, Papabear |
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