Jim's death has solidified in my heart and mind what the meaning of life is. One can only find meaning in Eternal Truths. Anything that is transitory or impermanent is not an Eternal Truth. These include things such as money, material goods, fame, and power. Love, however, is eternal and exists beyond the material. How am I sure? Jim, whose body was material, is gone, but my love for him persists and always will.

Now, that love once did not exist because there was a time before which I did not know Jim. But, after I met him and got to know him, I fell in love with him. Therefore, Love can be Created, and, if it is Real Love (not lust or romantic idealized love, but real love), it will always exist.

Therefore, we are beings who have the power of Generative Love, and that is the remarkable gift that God has given us.

Our purpose, then, is not to seek to be loved (passive love, because you are merely receiving it), but to learn to love and to create everlasting love in the universe.
(Real love does not dictate, does not seek to change others, but is accepting of others for who they are.)

If you seek to do something truly meaningful in your life, then go out and create a loving world.
​
Blessed Be.

Hello, Papa.
 
I don't know if this counts as much as a question as it does as a desperate cry for help.

Also, this is going to take very long to read, so take as much time as you need to respond, and to anyone who reads this, I hope it's at least helpful for you.

I have written to you before back in the day when I had a different fursona and I had no problem in letting everyone know who I was and what 'my situation' was, back when I was still a manipulative man child desperately looking for excuses to latch onto the carefree nature of my childhood - avoiding the responsibilities that adulthood brings. I've been telling myself for the longest time that it's okay to be childlike (having childlike interests) only to disguise my immaturity. I'm aware it's okay to collect plush toys and keyholders and play games and all that stuff, but I've been using all that scheme as a scapegoat to keep myself from becoming an adult. I have finally turned 24 just today and I'm still as stuck as I was when I was 18 and I spent a whole year doing nothing after high school.

I haven't lost it. I keep being manipulative, I keep getting jealous and envious and angry over petty things, enforcing the idea on myself that I'm worthless and therefore I have the 'right' to be upset over ridiculous things, and I constantly compare my personal value with others so as to keep telling myself that other people are better than me and that that's the reason why I don't make it in life.

In fact I'm getting everything mixed up. So, if you don't mind reading a bit more than usual for a question, here are a few anecdotes that might give you a better idea of my current emotional and mental state.

I had been doing a Fluoxetine treatment for little over six months and I had decided to drop it because I told myself I don't need pills to do well in life and feel better, and for some time it seemed to be true as I was in fact doing better.

I don't know if it's got to do with me having left the pills, but now I get more and more hysterical more easily, getting upset over the smallest remarks, pretty much like my 2nd girlfriend used to do, who was by far the most manipulative person I've ever met - she used physical illnesses to keep people held by the b@lls, that's how far it went.

Last Friday I was in the university's cafeteria and, scrolling through Google+, I found a particular post in a fetish themed community I was following; someone had republished a picture of a furry I really like/d with another fur (a picture that they themselves would have never shown me), and if anyone has known me for a long time they would know I lost my sh!t over it; my face went hot and my hands and legs went cold, and I was so angry I wanted to punch the table and make a hole in it if I could have. I saw myself getting back to the old days of getting upset and angry and full of hatred over something that somebody else would never have (seriously, it's ridiculous). And most importantly, I realized that I was essentially being so overly sensitive over everything so as to get back to my man-child days of trying to manipulate people with my anger or sadness.

I went and told this furry how I felt and things between me and them have been really awkward since then, as I'm not even sure how s/he feels about it and I'm almost certain I left a horrible impression (I know I in their shoes would have been creeped out as hell, or pissed at least). But most importantly, and as far as my own issues are concerned (which are the only thing I can actually make a dent on), seeing them in my contacts list is only a permanent reminder of my current emotional and mental decay. I'm 24 and I keep doing the same things I did when I was 18, which were already immature and harmful in their own accord back then.

The most important thing, and the MAIN reason why I'm writing this letter to you (gee, it took me so long), is because all of this is heavily interfering in my main concern, which are my studies, or lack thereof in my case.

It's the second time I'm going through the same course—I lost a whole year last year, and in doing so I also wasted a great job opportunity to earn a lot of money just looking after my brother's house while his partner and him were on a holiday trip to Europe, also throwing our relationship down the sh!tter with how I evaded that responsibility. So I did nor one thing nor the other.

You would think that being the second time I'm doing the first year of this career, I would have some experience and I would be studying harder. But in fact, I'm as lost as I was last year and everyday I'm about to give up. Sometimes I even feed myself with negative thoughts about jumping off the bridge I cross every Tuesday and Thursday night on my way back home from volleyball lessons.

Basically, I'm constantly falling back into the vices of deceiving myself with "I'll study later" and investing time and emotions into internet stuff, putting so much thought and energy into it that getting upset over internet events can already ruin my day to the point that I no longer have any motivation to do anything else. That day when I saw this picture of this furry crush with someone else, I was so upset I took a bus back home and told my mother that "algebra class had been cancelled" just so I could give myself an excuse to sleep all day. That's how far it goes.

So here's the question: What do I do?

Anonymous (age 24; Argentina)
 
* * *
 
Hi Furiend
 
Question: did all this bad stuff happen after you stopped taking Fluoxetine?  Are you still not taking it?
 
[Note to readers: Fluoxetine is an antidepressant designed to also lessen anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and panic attacks. It should be dispensed only under a doctor’s supervision.]
 
Papabear
 
* * *
 
It wasn't immediately after I stopped taking it, but I'm still not taking it, and in all honesty I don't want to keep on taking it because I don't want to rely on pills to grow up as a person.
 
* * *
 
Hello, again,
 
Okay, well, there is a clear correlation between your not taking your medication and things getting much worse for you. I understand and sympathize with the fact that you don't want to be on medication, but sometimes people need medicine. There is no shame in that, and there is no shame in your taking Fluoxetine any more than there is shame in someone with a heart condition taking medicine so that they can live.
 
It is very common for people such as yourself to suddenly decide--usually against doctors' orders--to stop their medication. This is unwise and often leads to a lot of pain and suffering. Just because you are on medication doesn't mean that it is the thing responsible for your personal growth. That's all you. Indeed, NOT taking it is making it MORE difficult for you to become the kind of person you wish to be.
 
I am not a doctor, so I am not comfortable stating for certain this is what needs to be done, but I would very strongly recommend you go back to your physician and talk to him or her about this. My prediction is that the doctor will prescribe the Fluoxetine again (it seemed to be working) or possibly change the dosage or try a different medicine if it makes you feel better. Also, talk to your doctor to see if there might be things you can do to, over time, lessen the dosage or even, eventually, get off of it, but stopping it abruptly on your own without medical advice was not the thing you should have done.
 
Some people think it shows weakness taking medicine. Actually, it takes great strength to admit you have a problem and follow your doctor's orders. Keep working on your condition and perhaps it will improve in the future, but for now, I'm fairly certain you need to get back on Fluoxetine, hon.
 
Good Luck,
Papabear
 ​

​Dear Papabear.

It’s been quite a while since we've spoken. Ever since I've been going to my psychologist and talking with friends there is just this one gap that I've been trying to get over. Accepting myself as gay.

So far, it’s been the hardest to deal with. More so than coming out, especially due to my religious upbringing, because ... when it comes to accepting someone's non-heterosexuality it always comes with a price. Sometimes the price is too heavy to bear when you're dealing with subject matters like this.

The inability to have children the natural way. In my case, it’s what I really wanted, but I can't have it and now that I'm gay, I don't really want to have children who are either adopted or a surrogate either, if only because I'm afraid that they will be made fun of because of me (even if laws are changing). 

The disposition of having to marry a man (not having as in forced, but rather having as in it’s my destiny), when it comes to my family members "Man/Woman" is all they know. And it hurts to even think about inviting them to something they probably would not attend to begin with, and therefore I don't want to invite my friends to it either since I feel they’re just a replacement for family members. 

And, overall, my whole attitude regarding it. If I did accept myself, with paying these heavy prices I begin to wonder is it even worth it all? Just for the sake of being happy and being myself? Or am I just being selfish about it? Honestly, this is the thing that I'm most confused by. Selfishness.

I want to accept myself as gay, but what if I end up being selfish? Being gay may be WHO I am, but that doesn't mean it’s WHO I wanted to be. Disregarding other people's feelings for the simple fact that I'm gay. And I'm not proud of my sexuality, and... I’m starting to wonder if this is the one thing that I've been struggling with ever since, and I'm not too sure exactly what I should do. It’s astounding really. I can accept other people for being gay, but I can't even accept myself. And if I were outed to a bunch of people I knew, I tend to wonder what would go on in the back of their minds and I'd be too fearful to face the world.

So... I need to ask. What should I do to accept myself?

Wolfthorne

* * *
 
Dear Wolfthorne,
 
Your letter is a perfect example of an argument against those idiots who declare that “being gay is a choice.” Who would choose to go through the kind of anguish you’re going through when it would be so much easier in our society to be straight? Answer: no one. Talk to any homosexual man or woman, and they will likely tell you that it was a tremendous struggle for them to be gay. For many, like you, it’s harder to accept yourself as gay than it is to tell family and friends you are gay.
 
Coming out can mean a lot of sacrifice, I agree. I had to sacrifice a lot. I had to give up my marriage to a wonderful woman (who is still my friend). It tore me up. The only thing worse than going through that has been Yogi’s (my mate’s) death, but the divorce is a very close second.
 
I’ve had a lot of success with people accepting me for being gay, however. At the same time, you and I and many other gay people have suffered a lot of guilt and shame. We feel we are hurting other people because of this, disappointing parents who want grandchildren, disappointing even those who might have considered being our spouses but now can’t be.
 
That is, that’s the assumption we always make, but it’s not necessarily set in stone. You see, there is something called “mixed-orientation marriages” or MOMs, which are when a straight person marries a gay or bisexual or even asexual partner. You might think such a marriage would be doomed to failure. Some, like mine, are, but in many other cases they can be successful. Why might, say, a straight woman wish to marry a gay or bi man? Or vice versa? Sometimes, especially in the past when it was much more shameful to be gay than today even, gay people would deliberately marry a straight person to hide their sexuality and gain approval from their families and society at large. And some societies are even more pressure-filled than in America. In China, for example, there is tremendous pressure for people to marry before the age of 25, and those who are still unmarried by 35 are considered practically social pariahs. In fact, in China there is something called “marriage fairs” where parents post their children’s personal information on boards and hope that someone will pick their kids and promise marriage to them. And it doesn’t matter if the promised one is straight, bi, or gay; the important thing is that they be married.
 
But back to America (sorry, I just find other cultures interesting). Believe it or not there are people out there who are willing to knowingly marry someone who is gay. The main reasons for this are either: 1) they love the person very much for many reasons other than sex; 2) they want children and see that gay men can be very nurturing; or they are a lesbian who wants kids and likes the man well enough even though he is straight. Just because there isn’t much compatibility in the bedroom doesn’t mean there can’t be a marriage. In fact, many straight marriages stay together even though lovemaking has virtually gone out the door. Sometimes this is for financial reasons or for the children or sometimes the partners simply don’t feel all that sexual any more (health reasons, age, etc.) Oh, and this sort of thing can happen between a straight, bi, or gay person and an asexual person, or with two asexual people.
 
Do you get that this can be more complicated than you ever imagined? The first thing one must do is throw all assumptions, preconceptions, and social conventions out the window. Start with a blank slate and go from there. Love and happiness do not necessarily stem from sexual satisfaction or desire. In fact, sex should really be just one factor of many in a successful partnership.
 
Here is an excellent, free, online book about mixed marriages from an author with experience http://mixedorientation.com/introduction/. A lot of it is about finding out the person’s gay orientation after the fact, but much of the information here would be relevant to you in order to get rid of your notions of the impossibility of marriage and children.
 
That all said, don’t discount the possibility of a very happy marriage to a man. I always like to think of actor Neil Patrick Harris and his husband, who are obviously ecstatically happy and have adopted children. Now, I understand the desire for biological children of your own (still a possibility for you), but please don’t discount the very real joys many parents have with adopted children. Do you think Harris’s kids will be scarred or made fun of? I really doubt it. And they will benefit greatly from being part of a loving household.
 
Now, that whole “selfish” thing you’re worried about. Stop it ;-) You have every right in the world to pursue your own happiness and to be who you are. Feeling guilty about that is self-destructive and counterproductive, and when that is the case you are no help to anyone. When you are happy, fulfilled, and self-confident you will also become a much better friend, son, spouse, colleague, etc. Example: if Papabear hated himself for being “selfish” all the time, he would be unable to write a column and help others. Point taken?
 
Seriously thinking of never marrying a man because you’re afraid your relatives won’t come and you don’t want your friends to fill in merely as substitutes? Okay, you say you have no problem accepting others as gay, but you feel your family cannot accept you as gay? You might not see it, but that is an awfully cocky attitude that is saying “I’m more open-minded than my family.” You might be very surprised to find out that many of your family members would attend your wedding. You might consider giving them a little more credit—or the possibility of some credit, anyway. And even if they don’t, what’s more important? Their approval or your happiness?
 
If you go through your entire life only doing things so that you can be validated and approved, I guarantee you right here and now you will be a very miserable, sad, and lonely person. Guaranteed.
 
This isn’t a phenomenon just for gay people, either, FYI. Probably the majority of people in this world live lives they hate because they want to have other people approve of them. They marry to gain social status; they pursue careers they despise; they keep trying to one-up “the Joneses” and end up with a beautiful house and car but empty hearts. All of this because they didn’t feel free to be themselves.
 
The biggest prison on the planet is the Jail of Approval. It has no iron bars, no chains, no walls, and therefore it is inescapable. It is a jail constructed by the inmates.
 
Realize that you don’t need other people’s approval to be happy. Know that it is okay to pursue your own happiness and that this is not being selfish. I think you are confusing “selfish” with “hurting people’s feelings and sensibilities because they don’t understand you.” That, dear furry, is their problem, not yours.
 
Hope this helps. Write again if you need more information!
 
Be Happy!
Papabear

Papabear,

I have met some people who have the wrong idea about the fandom and think that looking at furry pictures will make someone have sex with a animal,and i'm like no. Furries don't do that stuff at all. I know furry fandom shuns those who abuse animals. How do i let people know that their views of animal abuse are totally wrong?

Anonymous (age 38)

* * *

Dear Furiend,
​
Once people get an idea into their heads it is really tough to expunge it. You could probably tell them your side of it until you're blue in the face and they will not believe you. Many times it isn't worth your time and energy to bother. It's like with racism. There are people out there who feel, for example, all Muslims are terrorists and all Mexicans are lazy. You could spend hours, days, years trying to tell them otherwise and they won't believe you. Another example would be people who believe the Bible and that Earth is only 6,000 years old. You can take them to museums, have them talk to archaeologists and paleontologists, give them books to read, and they will still believe the Bible. Why? Probably because they were raised to believe the Bible is the Word of God and contradicting it is sinful. You see, emotions and upbringing tend to trump science. This is not 100% true. Sometimes you can actually alter a view, but is it worth all the time and trouble?

That said, the best way to increase the odds of changing a bad attitude about furries is for the people who have these views to actually meet and get to know furries in real life. They have to, of course, want to do this. You can't make them. Prejudices and misconceptions are born of ignorance, and people often hide behind walls of ignorance to protect their belief systems, even if those beliefs are wrong, because it scares them to think that they were being lied to all their lives, and they lack the courage and self-esteem to think for themselves.

So, in short, while it is possible to change beliefs (this applies to strong beliefs not little beliefs like persuading someone to try a different flavor of ice cream), the chances of success are slim and the possibility of succeeding will mean considerable expenditures of time and effort on your part. You need to ask yourself, then, if it is worth the trouble. It might be if, say, the other person is a spouse or parent; it might not be if they are just a passing friend or coworker.

Hugs,
Papabear
​

I love Martha Wash. What a voice she has (Yogi loved her, too). (Bonus points if you can tell me what famous duo she was once part of--without googling it or cheating). I kinda like the thought of making this the official theme song for "Ask Papabear." What do you think?

Papabear,
 
I love the idea of walking around, wearing a fursuit, making merriment &c. However, I have read that it is not for everyone due to concerns about overheating and claustrophobia. I would like to make sure they are non-issues before I proceed with any commissioning.

I understand that people are reluctant to loan others their fursuits, so I'm not sure how feasible it would be to try one on. Would you recommend an experiment to help determine whether fursuiting is an option.

Also, I'm fat (183 cm 100 kg). Does this present an issue when fursuiting? I read from your reply to the letter entitled "Fursuiting Tips" that one should act lively (as opposed to standing there), so I am not sure how endurance might come in to play.

I appreciate your insight in to this matter and look forward to your reply.

Diogenes 

* * *

Hi, Diogenes,
 
It’s great you’re getting into the fun :-3  Trying on someone else’s fursuit could be a real problem, though. Not so much because you can’t find a nice person willing to loan you a fursuit, but because each fursuit is custom made to the exact measurements of that person. So, unless you are the exact same size, weight, and even shape as the other fursuit wearer, it’s not going to work for you.
 
Being large isn’t so much an issue as your stamina. Skinny or chubby, you are going to sweat, no question about it. So, if you DO get a custom fursuit some day, there are things you can do to ease the discomfort. My bear fursuit has padding all over it because my fursona, Grubbs Grizzly, is stockier than I am. These things help:
 
1. My fursuit maker, Beastcub, installed a fan in the head. It is battery operated. I use lithium batteries, which last longer. Helps a lot.
2. I wear underarmor. This helps wick sweat away from the torso and also helps keep sweat from the fursuit somewhat. People also wear balaclavas.
3. I wear cooling vests. There are a variety of these you can get online. I put ice packs in them and that lasts a couple hours.
 
With the above, I can fursuit for 2 hours comfortably and have been known to go for as long as 4-5 hours before needing a break.
 
If you’re still not sure about taking this step, there are other things you can do. You can get a partial fursuit, including head, arms, tail, feet, keeping your torso free. If you like to wear costumes, such as a wizard’s outfit or Medieval armor or a samurai outfit, this is actually a better way to go and will look very cool.
 
If you really want to experiment around, try this: buy some long underwear and put that one with snow pants, a down jacket, and several other layers of clothing and a wool cap. Do some physical activity while wearing all this stuff and see how you feel.
 
That all said, if you are having health issues because of your weight, I would definitely talk to your doctor and see if this kind of stuff is okay. You might tell him a white lie and say you have been asked to wear a mascot outfit, if that helps. It’s important to have a healthy heart when you fursuit. Heck, the first time I did it, I wore the fursuit too long at a parade and almost fainted. Oh! And it is a good idea to have a fursuit handler, too, especially for newbies. That is someone who helps you not bump or trip on things, helps keep people from harassing you (e.g. kids pulling on your tail), and so forth.
 
Hope that helps! Good luck!
 
Papabear
​