Dear Papabear,
I'd like to know, how to I become the best student at school with the best possible grades? DayPawTheChunkyCoyote * * * Dear DayPaw, As with anything else, if you want to be good at something, work hard at it. Study hard and you should get better grades as a result. Hugs, Papabear ...... Hi, again, DayPaw, You know, I apologize for giving you such a terse answer earlier. There's really more I should say on this subject, and it's this: Learning isn't about grades. Real learning is about finding something you're interested in and exploring it fully. Education systems--especially in America--are designed to produce good little factory workers, cubicle dwellers, and consumers. They are not designed to help you genuinely learn things you want to learn to pursue what interests YOU in life. You really don't get that opportunity until college, BUT! You will have a hard time getting into college if you have difficulty with one or more subjects in high school that subsequently brings down your GPA. The school system--especially in the good ol' US of A--is made to train you to do things by rote learning, to respond to discipline (you must go to your class when the bell rings, leave when the bell rings, sit in your assigned seat, only speak when spoken to, etc.), and to become, basically, an automaton. You are also disparaged and made to feel like shit if you have problems with any one subject, whether that is science or English or even physical education. So, again, to really answer your question, I should say this: discover first what interests you; if that means you need to go on to college, then you need to play the game to study hard, take the tests, get A's, and move on; but if you don't need a college degree (for example, you want to be a dancer or a painter or you are brilliant enough to invent something in your garage that makes you a millionaire--which actually happens with many of the millionaires we have in this world), then don't worry about it. Just do your time and, when not in school, focus on your passion. Most of what I know about the world (indeed, most of what I do with my money-paying job) I learned AFTER I left school. Good grades are there to please your parents and to get a better shot at college. They don't actually mean anything about you personally, and they certainly don't mean squat about your value as a human being. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear
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Papabear,
I've always dreamed of settling down with a furry partner who loves me for who I am inside. Since Pounced was shut down, where does one go for furry dating? I'm getting older and I feel once I hit 40 it'll be game over for my chance to find love in the furry community. I seen a few places advertised, but I want to avoid scams and just try someplace thats actually popular, full of real people and not bots. Can you help me? Tanuki (38) * * * Dear Tanuki. As someone who is over 40 himself, don't write yourself off just because of your age. I have found love three times in my life: Once when I was in college, once when I was 41, and again when I was 51. Love has no age. There are many lonely, older furries out there who would love to have what you long for: a mature furry mate to share their lives with. Going on dating sites is one way to look, yes, but that is rather limiting yourself. My advice to those seeking a partner is to find groups on the Web with members who share your interests and, perhaps--but not necessarily--demographics. For example, if you are on Facebook, I would invite you to join my Greymuzzles group, where you will find lots of furries your age. If you have other interests in life, seek out groups that share that interest. For example, maybe you are super into model trains. There's a group for that. Or perhaps you love Schnauzers; I'm sure there's a group for that. Not just on Facebook, but on the internet as a whole. You could also seek out groups that actually meet in person (after this virus thing eases off). I recommend checking out the Meetup website. Here, you can type in a location and an interest and search for local groups of people who like the same things you do (including furries). Finding a fellow furry is great, but you don't have to limit yourself to only furries. I mean, the real point is finding someone with whom you can share your life, right? My late husbear, Jim, and my current husband, Michael, are not furries, but they are totally fine with my being a furry and both Jim and Michael have joined me at furcons. Cast your net out wide upon the waters and you will catch fish. Do not be too picky or demanding, but also don't allow yourself to be a tool because you are desperate for a mate. It's a tough balancing act, but if you temper your search with love and compassion, I think you will find someone. Bear Hugs, Papabear Hi, Papabear,
I'm a 16 year old male that lives in Kwa-ZuluNatal, South African, and I found you on FurAffinity. I need your advice on how I can find my fursona. And if you don't mind. How do I tell my family about this? All the best, Anonymous * * * Hello, Furiend, Since you don't offer much in the way in details in your letter, it is hard to give you specific advice. Each person is different, and that affects everything from fursonas to how you explain this to your parents. So, please take advantage of the categories on my website, browse the letters, and hopefully you will find something helpful. If not, write again and give me some details on your particular situation. For advice on fursona design, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/fursonas For advice on "coming out" furry, go here: http://www.askpapabear.com/letters/category/coming%20out%20furry Take Care, Papabear Grubbs * * * Hi, Papabear, Sorry I wasn't clear in my last letter I'll try to do better in this one. I'm not myself right now and I think the furry community can help me find myself again.I try talking to my mom about this and she is a bit scared because she has never heard about the furry community and I don't blame her.Its just me my mom and sister,I don't have someone to talk to about this. I'm just so confused right now and would like advise on how to go forward from this point. * * * Dear Furiend, Pardon me for responding in generalities, since I don't know all the details about who you are, but I do like the way you phrase the question: How can the furry community help you find yourself again? The first question coming to my mind, then, is: Did you once know who you were in the past? How did you lose yourself? It sounds as though you are seeking identity by finding a community to which you can belong; a group of people that accept you as you were apparently once accepted but no longer feel accepted. Reading between the lines makes me wonder whether this is because you have discovered something about yourself that is not socially acceptable, such as something to do with your sexual identity. I only say this because that is a very common problem among people who feel rejected by society, especially when it comes to your teen years when you are discovering your sexual orientation. But in order to find acceptance anywhere, my furiend, you must first accept yourself. Do you accept yourself and who you are? Probably not, since you say that you have lost yourself. How does one accept oneself?
Once you have achieved self-acceptance and actualization, that is the time to seek out community. Many furries make the mistake of doing the opposite: seeking a community that validates who they are rather than validating themselves first. The problem with doing it that way is that the furry community--like any other community--has some bad people in it who will troll you and attack you and say things like "you're not a real furry," and too many furries take this to heart. They then complain that the furry community has rejected them (it has not, only a few bad eggs have) and the next thing you know they start posting online about how furry drama is rampant and it is all the fault of the furry community. But the self-actualized furry (or whatever you consider yourself to be) will have the confidence and self-respect to find good people, as I have done, and form their community around them. In other words, you become a seed for a cloud of like-minded, like-spirited people who will then become your personal community. Another wonderful effect of being self-actualized is that you will no longer have to seek your fursona. IT will find YOU. For example, once I figured out and accepted I was a gay bear, well then! Grubbs Grizzly walked right into my life and wrapped me in his furry body. As for telling Mom about your interest in furry, the best way to approach mundanes with it is to compare it to other fandoms, such as superhero fandoms or fans of Star Trek or Star Wars. It's not a perfect comparison because you and I know that the furry fandom is unique, but most non-furries won't get that. Therefore, just tell Mom, in terms she can understand, that it is simply imaginative fun similar to dressing up as a superhero or pretending you're Spock on Star Trek, only it is about anthro animals like the ones in Zootopia (use popular movies and don't talk about underground furry art and such; relate to things with which they are familiar). I hope these tips help you. Thanks for writing. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm having a mental crisis over some thoughts after I've seen some NSFW [not safe for work] art in the furry fandom. I'm also suffering from OCD, but to be fair this would be kind of awkward if I brought this question to my counselor, so I'm trusting you fully with this question. Does it count as zoophilia/bestiality if I like to see two anthro characters with feral genitalia or two feral (more animalistic like walking on fours) characters that speak/have human characteristics have sex? Nick * * * Dear Nick, People outside the fandom often misconstrue our fascination with animals and anthros as a form of bestiality. It isn't. If you go out and have sex with actual animals, that is bestiality. The phenomenon of furporn is a more complex psychological issue than that, and it is something I will address in detail in my book. There is a difference between fantasy and reality. Sexual fantasy is something that pretty much everyone indulges in, but just because they do does not mean they actually want their fantasies to come true. Sex, as they say, is 90% in the brain and only 10% physical. When we are engaged in coitus, as Sheldon Cooper would call it, most of us go inside ourselves into another world that gets our hormones pumping and promotes a climax. Furry pornography is very much a fantasy. This is why you see such extremes in it, with hyper-large anatomical parts, oceans of ejaculate, impossible positions, outrageous scenarios, and so on. No one actually believes any of it will happen in real life; it is just a mental stimulus. Another theory I have about furry sex is that it is a distancing tool. That is, many people feel senses of guilt about their sexual desires because of society's disapproval, so we cloak our sexuality in the form of anthro characters to shelter us from this kind of guilt. It is the same reason why people like zombie movies, which allows you to mentally imagine and "act out" (such as in video games) violent tendencies, but it's okay because these are the "undead" and therefore you are not doing anything immoral. Furporn is a fantasy tool that helps people work through their sexual tensions, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and so on. But that's just one explanation. Another possible explanation for furporn is that it is a way of connecting with our more animalistic, sexual side. By casting away our human shell and becoming anthro animals, we allow ourselves to engage more freely in uninhibited sex. No longer chained to human society by a physical form, we connect more with the passion of sex. So, no, your viewing furporn--even the more feral types--does not mean you're into bestiality/zoophilia. It is just you exercising your sexual imagination. Hugs, Papabear Hi there. I’m really lost on this one.
My boyfriend and I are both in the furry fandom. He’s much more charismatic and nice than I am (though I may be biased). He has social media where he gets art pieces done, and I really want to join the fun. I have really bad anxiety, to the point where even putting change into my wallet in the line for checkout in a shop can give me a panic attack. I’m just scared. I know it’s a fandom where some less than stellar people, art thieves and bullies are very prominent, as I’ve been driven away from the fandom before. But I would love nothing more than to get art with my man! Any tips to overcome this and enjoy the fandom with him? Thank you very much in advance. - A Very Anxious Dragon * * * Dear Dragon, My goodness, you do have very severe anxiety, don't you? A lot of people don't understand such anxiety, but over the last couple of years, I have had direct experience with my husband, who has PTSD and anxiety from the war (he was on the front lines). Such anxiety can be the result of many things, such as past trauma or a difficult childhood; it can also arise from certain genetic and biological factors. These are things for a doctor to diagnose and treat. Have you consulted with a doctor about your anxiety? If not, you really should. There are a number of medications that can help ease your anxiety, if not dispel it entirely, that will make it easier for you to live your life. There are also several non-pharmacological treatments that can help. This is always where I go to Eastern advice on treatments, such as meditation and yoga or qigong and practicing mindfulness (learn the ways of the Buddha). Also, simple exercise and improvements in diet can help a lot--you would be surprised. Try to get outside and do something physical (walks help me a lot); do not eat processed foods and foods with lots of additives; try to eat fresh vegetables, fruits, and meats whenever possible. Drink herbal teas, especially tea with ginger, chamomile, peppermint, lemon balm, passionflower, or a simple green tea. Caffeine can exacerbate anxiety, so try to avoid coffee and soda. Okay, that all said, let's get back to furry interaction. I have an idea: since you are fortunate to have a furry mate with lots of experience doing stuff in the fandom, how about you work together as a team? I know a couple of furries who have Facebook and other social media pages jointly. You can have the "Dragon and Wolf" or "Dragowolf" (I'm just guessing he's a wolf, but whatever fursona he has, combine them) and start soliciting artwork together. That way, you can lean on him some to navigate through the fandom. He can still, of course, have his own pages, and when you are ready, you can go solo, too, but I think it would be really helpful to you to do this jointly until you can get into a comfort zone where you are confident enough to do stuff on your own (what a blessing to you to have a furry bf!) And this can work in any social context because you will find "less than stellar" people everywhere, not just the furry fandom. Form some mutual friendships with you, your boyfriend, and his friends. Go out and socialize together. Also! Lean on your fursona, your alter ego. You're a dragon, and I bet there is a very good reason you are one: you admire the strength and beauty of the fire lizard, don't you! Fursonas often represent what we wish to be. I know this is true for me and my alter ego, Grubbs Grizzly. Grubbs is much more outgoing, laid back, and chill that Kevin Hile. He is the kind of person I wish to be. So, when you are a dragon, BE a dragon. Adopt your fursona's abilities, strengths, and personality traits. Become the dragon. This can do a lot to help you with anxiety! When you go to buy art or interact with furries, do so as the dragon. Don't be "Very Anxious Dragon." Be "Bold! Powerful! Dragon" So, that's my advice: work on managing your anxiety, partner up with your boyfriend as you venture back into the fandom, and be the dragon. Hope that helps! Hugs! Papabear Dear Papabear,
As a East Coast fur, it’s hard to meet up in real life with the other furs out there. I currently am unable to drive a car though I am able to take public transportation. I always wish to got out and see or even experience a Furry convention in my state or any state close by ( Connecticut) but, my main fear is my parents. How do I explain to them about myself and my place in the fandom? I’m mainly into expansion and inflation, and I was also caught a few times by my folks during my sessions with an air pump. When the time comes, how will I be able to explain this to them? Hailfanghoofington (age 22) * * * Dear Hailfanghoofington, As you helpfully noted in the form, you are 22 years of age. As such, you are an adult and have absolutely no obligation to tell your parents the details about your sexual preference or your hobbies if you choose not to. I honestly don't know why I keep getting questions like this from adults who write to me. I mean, your parents don't tell you about what they like to do in bed and what their turn-ons are, do they? (Lordy, I hope not!) So, why should you have to tell them you are into inflation fantasies? Answer: you don't. It's great to have open and honest discussions with your parents about your life, but there are some things that it is fine to keep private, and at the top of that list is details about your sex life. Now, it sounds as though you might still be living with your parents and, therefore, you might have the impression that living under their roof obligates you to fully disclosing everything about your life. Not true. What you should be doing is being supportive of them, perhaps pay them rent for the room, help with chores, and move out as soon as possible. You're 22. You need to set out on your own unless there is some medical or financial reason why you can't at this time. At 22, you should also be able to make trips on your own, even if that means taking public transportation to do so. I encourage you to get out of the house and live your life. Hugs, Papabear |
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