Dear Papabear,
Though I realized I was a furry many years ago, I've been out of the loop for quite a while. Unfortunately through my journey of life, I've all but lost the majority of connections to my former furry friends (which were mostly not local to me). As I've been peeking here and there into current furry-themed sites and forums, I feel more of an outsider than anything. Part of that stems from me being a bit older (relative to the fandom, anyway), as I'll be turning 28 in just a couple of weeks. At this age, I feel as if my ship has sailed as many furries around me would be in the early 20's (possibly even younger), so I'd be ostracized from any local groups. Is there a good way to get my paws wet again and meet new faces as I'm someone who might be quickly fading out of the young crowd? Sincerely, Swift * * * Hi, Swift, Sounds like you’ve got an early case of Greymuzzle Syndrome. That’s where you’ve matured past the majority of furries, who tend to be teenagers and college students. The good news is there are a lot of Greymuzzles out there, and the number keeps growing. You are much more likely to feel part of this group than of the younger furries. I admin a group on Facebook called Greymuzzles, but we have a minimum age of 30 to join. However, you could join the Greymuzzle group on Furry4Life (http://furry4life.org/group/greymuzzles). I don’t think they restrict you by age there. You issue isn’t that you can’t relate to furries, then; it’s that you can’t relate to the young ones. Check out the older crowd and start making some friends there. And when you hit 30, join the Greymuzzles on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/242876589134127/. Good Luck! Have Fun! Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I'm an agnostic atheist, but my mom and some of her friends believe in New Age things such as psychics and crystals that have special powers. As far as I'm aware, a lot of, if not all, New Age stuff is pseudoscience, which would mean that people who sell crystals, charge for psychic readings, etc. are knowingly or unknowingly scamming people. There is the possibility of people (not necessarily my mom or her friends, just anyone in general) using New Age alternative medicine in lieu of science-backed, proven-to-work medicine, and dying as a result. I also object to the "Law of Attraction", which states that the good things you experience are directly because of your thoughts and implies that the same is true for negative experiences including debilitating illnesses like AIDS or cancer. This philosophy also implies that the best course of action is to brush negative people off, even if those people are friends/family, and to suppress any negative emotions such as fear or anger (I used to do the latter, and my doctor told me it was bad). Also, I've heard that many New Age beliefs are appropriated from Eastern cultures (e.g., the New Age idea of chakras vs the original Hindu concept), which seems reprehensible. In addition to these moral objections, I also worry for my tulpas (I've gained a few since my last letter, by the way). One of them looks like this: http://s7.photobucket.com/user/Yangmio/media/FMA/TuckerChimera_ReferenceSheet.png.html, and two of them look similar to this: http://www.fullmetal-alchemist.com/forums/uploads/1156353980/gallery_38076_736_8798.jpg (this was the only one I could find that highlighted their fluffy-looking coats). Let's say that my mom finds out I have tulpas. I see it as possible that she will make a snap judgement and declare the three "monstrous" ones to be malevolent based solely on their appearances. I hold this belief because I asked a New Age YouTube what he thought of those tulpas' appearances; he hasn't written back yet, but knowing that he ascribes stereotypically masculine and feminine traits to "male energy" and "female energy" respectively, he'd probably say that they're as evil as they look. In addition, I've heard from one source that "negative entities" will pretend to be on your side, can give you headaches*, and generally cause you to experience negative things like nausea or fear**, although there doesn't seem to be a consensus on just what negative entities do. Possibly, my mom might think that my three other tulpas are malevolent, despite them not looking monstrous in the slightest. I inexplicably think that it'd be impossible to convince her otherwise. If it's relevant, one of them objects to New Age stuff because she feels like it keeps the scientific community from taking tulpas seriously. Basically, I'm worried that my mom might be headed down a road that could damage her physical and emotional health, morals, and wallet (it may sound selfish, but I feel that any money she spends on New Age things would be better spent putting me through college or paying whatever hypothetical bills need to be paid), and cause her to worry about me unnecessarily (although her jumping to conclusions that I'm mentally ill would probably be as bad as her jumping to the conclusion that I've attracted evil spirits to myself). Would attempting to "deconvert" my mom from New Age beliefs be the right thing to do, or would I be infringing on her right to freedom of religion? *I've had minor headaches that I interpret as my brain adapting to housing multiple minds. **I've sometimes been distressed by irrational worries that my mom secretly knows about/disapproves of my tulpas, but only once by the "monstrous" tulpas themselves (they originated as intrusive thoughts). I felt guilty that one of them, Nina, had to temporarily change her appearance/hide who she was so that I could learn to see her as a person who just happens to look weird, instead of as a monster. I also felt guilty for trying to get rid of them just because I was scared of how they looked. Alec (age 20) * * * Dear Alec, Your letter puzzles this old bear. You’re openly hostile about your mother’s beliefs in “New Age” practices, saying, for instance, that is a scam and counter to well-established science, and yet you believe in tulpas, which are most definitely in the realm of mysticism. Furthermore, you complain that her beliefs emanate from Eastern cultures and you find this “reprehensible.” But! Dear Alec, where do you think the idea about tulpas came from? Tibet and other Eastern cultures! So, what’s the deal, hon? Gosh, if that isn’t a double standard, this bear doesn’t know what is. Fundamentally, you are saying that it’s okay for you to believe in a mystical spirit but if your mother does it, it’s wrong. That ain’t right. Then you ask me if it would be justified to “deconvert” your mother so she no longer has these beliefs (although how you’d go about that, I have no clue), yet you are frightened that if your mother discovers your tulpas she’ll forbid you to believe in them. Do you not see what’s happening here? You wouldn’t like it if your mother told you “no tulpas allowed,” but you think it might be okay for you to tell her she is wrong about her own beliefs? You ask if you are being selfish. Um, yes, you are. Your selfishness is also revealed in the statement that you are offended your mother spends money on “New Age things” when she should be spending it on your college education. Lemme tell ya something, me bucko. Your mother is not obligated to pay for your college education. In fact, she was in her legal rights to boot you out the door two years ago when you were 18. Anything above and beyond that she gives you out of the goodness of her heart and her love for you. Maybe you should try being grateful for that instead of being so resentful. Take a good look at yourself, Alec. Perhaps those images of tulpas are rather ugly because there is something not so attractive in you. The good news is you can fix that. In fact, Papabear predicts that if you would focus on being a selfless, loving, caring son and human being, your tulpas would morph into something quite beautiful. Think on it, Papabear Dear Papabear, I guess I should keep this nice and to the point. I'm on a collision course with my own future, and it's terrifying me beyond belief. My future has always been a topic I dwell over in my own head—will I be successful? Am I too lazy or stubborn to make it out there? With the pressure of high school and growing up slamming down on me full force, I guess I'm becoming more self aware. With that self awareness comes a lowered self-esteem, and with that lowered self-esteem comes doubt. I don't do too hot in school to be honest. Sure, I mostly get A's and B's, but I did slip up and get a C. This slip-up made me take a step back and think about myself and my personality. Can I succeed? I have no way to dab my toes in the waters of the future except stay in school (the education system's crap, so I still don't feel prepared. They just wanna make you into good little patriotic citizens, ah, No ranting, no ranting...) so I have no idea what I should do to feel more certain that I'll make it when I'm all grown. I've been trying to work towards my dream (I've always wanted to be a writer and get a job in the ever-growing field of technology. TMI? Probably. Cliché? Yep), but all the work just makes me feel more discouraged. The truth is, the product I produce isn't as good as my aspirations. I just look at myself and what I do, and I can't help but doubt that I'll go anywhere. Well, I should also clarify one thing. You might be thinking to yourself, "Well, what does she mean by successful?" My answer is simple. I want to be happy, and I want my family to be proud of who I become. So, I'll sum up this tiny essay. I don't think I'll make it in the future, and it's scaring me. Papa, did you have these same doubts when you were little? Is there any way I can ensure I'll have a bright future? Should I just wait and see what happens? Should I try improving my grades? Wow, ignoring that one question rule, aren't I? I really don't know how to cut it down, though. Thanks for reading the ramble, Papa. Your bumbling squirrel, Oliver (age 14) * * * Dear Oliver, You sound like quite a bright little furry. You’ve already figured out that the modern American educational system is garbage designed to turn people into good citizen consumers and to believe the hokum of the “official history” of our country. Society wants you to go to school, get a job, buy stuff (especially stuff you don’t need, which is why Christmas and other holidays have become consumer frenzies), and pay taxes (unless you’re mega rich, in which case you are encouraged to hide your assets overseas and betray your country by not paying taxes). Hey, you had a rant, so indulge me LOL. You say you wish to be happy and please your family. Everyone wants to be happy, Oliver, but how do you define happiness? Is it being successful in a career? Is it having lots of money and material stuff? Is it being a good spouse and parent? Is it finding something to do that you enjoy and excelling at it? You need to be more specific there. When I was your age (since you asked) I definitely was terrified about growing up, going to college, getting a job, etc. One of my biggest regrets in life was that I thought school was all about getting A’s. So, that’s what I strove to do. In middle school, I was kind of an average student, but by high school and college I had upped my game to get a 4.0 and graduate at the top of my class. Know what? I was so busy getting A’s that I didn’t actually learn anything. I would study my ass off, belch out the answers on the test, and then forget the material by the next month. Conclusion: Getting A’s is no guarantee of success. There are brilliant people who live in poverty (many stories of people with advanced degrees working at McDonald’s), and there are also people who dropped out of high school who are now highly successful (there’s the famous story of Einstein whose math teacher thought he was a dunce.) Soon after college, I got married and my first job was working in a factory while my wife was an admissions counselor at a small college. Together, we managed to pay the bills, and then I got my first job as an editor and I was very excited. We moved to a suburb and I began my career in reference publishing, working my way up to senior editor in the young adult and children’s literature division of my company. I really loved my first few years there because it was a passion, but then the corporate atmosphere changed. No longer were we producing “books,” but, rather, “products.” We became all about making profits, and the staff got pressured more and more to make more and more products and increase the profits for the shareholders. The soul of the company was gone, and I grew to hate it so much that I left. I worked for a small company producing educational material for a while, and then went freelance. I couldn’t take all the emphasis on money. Money is not the key to happiness. Sure, it can make you comfortable—and I wouldn’t mind not worrying about bills—but it’s not the same as being happy. Conclusion: working for a big corporation will likely not make you happy; most of the time, you are seen as a tool (and many managers actually see employees as a drain and an enemy, rather than an asset). Corporations have no compunctions about firing even the most loyal and dedicated employees. Happens all the time. Don’t expect a large company job to bring you happiness. I, like you, also had dreams of being a writer. I, like you, was very self-critical of my writing. Most people don’t really appreciate that good writing is a skill like any other. Believe me, it is the most undervalued skill in this country. A good writer works at his or her craft, and it takes years to produce something decent. Don’t be too hard on yourself there; at 14, you have a long way to go. Be patient and work at it; also, read the books of other authors and soak in how they put words together. If writing is something you really love, then you should practice it whether or not you actually sell your stories or articles. I became very discouraged in my efforts to publish. I’ve published a fantasy novel and ten nonfiction works, none of which have earned me any money. The publishing world is really hellish (be warned). It is cut-throat. Rare are the people like Stephen King and J. K. Rowling; common are those who sell nothing or don’t earn enough to make a living at it. It’s kind of like all the kids out there who want to be famous musicians or athletes. The wannabes are a dime a dozen; stardom is rare. What I’m saying is, if you want to be a writer be a writer because you love to write and tell stories, not because you want to be rich or famous. Now, that aside, it sounds like you might like to combine writing with an interest in technology. If that’s the case, I recommend you look into becoming a technical writer. This is a profession that is in high demand and you could probably make a very good living at it. Conclusion: if you have a dream, don’t corrupt it with the demand that it make you money. But if you can combine your dream with a practical application, there’s nothing wrong with that. Back to your question of how to be happy and make your family proud. First of all, remember that life and happiness are journeys, not goals. Too often we are so focused on what is ahead of us that we fail to appreciate what is happening right here and now. You’ll only be 14 once, Oliver. Spend some time enjoying your youth by doing fun things and also spending time with family. In a few years you’ll be moving out and won’t see them nearly as often. The teen years should also be a time for self-exploration. Looking back, my time would have been far better spent at your age trying new things and finding out what I was capable of, rather than studying so hard that I had no social life. If I had it to do all over again, I would have studied music and art. I also would have studied wildlife management rather than English literature. Don’t miss out on the things you should be exploring because you’re so afraid of the future and doing what you think others want you to do so you can make them proud. I’m sure your parents and other family members will be proud of you if you strive to do one thing: be a good person. Be kind and giving and loyal and loving, and there’s no way they could be disappointed in you (unless they are misguided, too, about what a “success” is). Relax and enjoy your life, enjoy your youth. Because, as you can see now, worrying about the future is making you a nervous wreck. And what fun is that? Live for now. Life is brief and is gone in the wink of an eye. Learn to appreciate your loved ones, nature, all the world has to offer you. Keep in mind, too, your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. These are all important parts of happiness (kinda hard to be happy if you’re sick, emotionally numb, and/or have no sense of the spiritual side of life). I could write more, but I hope you see where I am going with this: learn the difference between “success” as it is defined by society and the real success of leading a fulfilling and joyous life free of the narrow pursuit of fame and fortune. Instead, focus on personal relationships and discovering what you love to do with your time, whether or not that is something that is a prestigious career. Take care of your body, mind, and spirit, and you will find contentment and happiness. There are no guarantees in life, Oliver, so put that notion aside. The only thing you can control is you, so find happiness by doing what you can to make a better you—a better person. The world needs more good people, not millionaires. Hope that helps. Big Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
Over a year ago I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. When this happened, I began to question my sexuality and found that female parts don't get me as excited as make parts do. I have a very close friend who is gay, he's like family, I've known him for about the same length of time I was with my gf. He's not living at home anymore and whenever he told me about his sexual escapades, I felt jealous. Not jealous of him for having sex, but jealous of the other men because they got to be with him. I never told him how I felt, and now, he's left his bf of a few months. I really want to tell him but I don't want to damage the relationship we already have. Do I wait for him to get over his ex and tell him how I feel? I still want him in my life. Please, I need your help. Remorseful Husky (age 20) * * * Dear Husky, The idea of “waiting for him to get over his ex” is just a procrastinating excuse on your part because you’re afraid to tell him you’re in love. So is the excuse “I don’t want to damage the relationship.” Stop making excuses and follow your heart. Papabear Papabear,
Let me paraphrase this by saying I'm "quite young" as people want to say; just turned 21. But this is a question I've been thinking about for awhile and it's been bugging me. I've been in a few relationships since I turned 14, and each has turned bad. The first one was toxic from start to finish and was a nightmare in every sense of the word. The second was with my first girlfriend, and it was the best relationship that I had. We were loving and honestly thought we might have a future together beyond high school. We hit college and by the second semester she left because she wanted to "have fun outside of a relationship" and would go on to study abroad. My third relationship was exceptionally short-term; we broke up within a month after we decided we just didn't fit. The fourth turned sour after I left to study abroad myself and we just couldn't make it work. And all of this has made me wonder if I'm really fit for relationships. I won't say I'm not an overprotective type; I'm a huge worry wart. I get it from my mother; both of us think the worst out of every situation and always freak when we don't hear from loved ones exactly when we're supposed to. Admittedly, this behavior's driven me to try and have my partners not go out and party or have fun because I'm worried something will happen to them (mugging, assault, rape etc.) and when I don't hear from them for long periods of time I suffer incredible anxiety attacks. I'm just wondering if I should abandon relationships because of this. It might seem like a mountain out of a molehill situation, but to me it feels like something I can't change. I've tried to relax in relationships and be OK with everything, but I'm just always afraid I'll lose them, and it makes me a toxic person to be around when I can't handle the idea that they're possibly hurt or worse when they could just stay home and be safe. I know they should go out, enjoy life and so on, but I'm so afraid of that accident happening that whenever they do and I'm not around I just can't help but get mad at them for endangering themselves, even if I know the environment is generally safe! I just can't really figure out what to do, and feel that giving up relationships would benefit people who WOULD want to date me in the future; save them the trouble of putting up with a paranoid ass who'd rather they wither away at home than take chances and go out and have fun. La V * * * Dear La V, You are suffering from what psychologists call Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Instead of giving up any hope for a relationship, what you should do is find treatment for your GAD so that you can then go on to lead a more normal life that includes finding a loving partner. There are a number of treatments for GAD, ranging from seeking a psychotherapist to prescriptions for Xanax and other medications. You don’t mention seeking treatment in your letter, so I am assuming you have not done so and probably should. There could be a subconscious or unconscious source for your anxiety that is best addressed by a trained therapist. On top of such treatment, you should do whatever you can to reduce stress in your life. If you have an overly hectic schedule, review it and see what things you can cut out of the schedule to allow yourself some downtime. Also, make sure that you get 7-8 full hours of restful sleep a night. During the day, adopt an exercise routine. Exercise is an amazingly effective way to reduce stress. I recommend activities such as brisk walks, swimming, yoga, or tai chi. Before doing this, you might also pay a visit to your family doctor. Are you, for instance, taking any medications? Medicines containing amphetamines, hormones, blood pressure meds, and asthma medications all have the potential for causing anxiety as a side effect. A general physical can also tell your doctor if you have any issues that might need addressing (high blood pressure, for instance, or diabetes, or you might have food allergies that can affect your mood). Furthermore, there are things you can do about your diet to ease anxiety. Foods/nutrients that help ease anxiety include: food rich in B1 and B12 vitamins (beans, leafy greens, beef, pork, chicken, nuts, eggs, and fruits); carb-rich foods (beans, whole grain breads) have serotonin and lift your mood; omega-3 foods, such as fish, which have the added benefit of lowering your risk of heart disease; yogurt, soy, lentils, meats with high protein content. Foods to avoid include anything with aspartame (diet drinks and many other “diet” foods with this artificial sweetener) because aspartame is simply poison that can damage your nervous system, including your brain; caffeinated drinks are also a no-no; anything with a high sugar content (whether regular sugar or high fructose corn syrup; if you need to sweeten something, use honey, especially raw honey, or Stevia [Truvia®]); booze, tobacco, and illicit drugs should be avoided; artificial food coloring, too; processed foods of any kind, including stuff that is boxed, canned, or comes from a fast food place. Basically, the American diet is garbage and is making a lot of people physically, mentally, and emotionally ill. There is a lot you can do for your GAD, so don’t throw up your hands in despair and believe you are stuck with it. Once you have that under control, you will be better able to enjoy a healthy relationship. Good Luck! Papabear Hello there, Papabear!
A furry friend of mine that has previously sent a letter regarding about going into an furcon has indicated this site for me to use if I have any questions. Anyways, let's cut to the chase. I live in Brazil, Campo Grande, and I think I play videogames. A lot of videogames. My daily basis consists of playing shooter games, and the like. The real issue is, sometimes I put videogames above everything. Family, friends and even job. I used to skip job just because I had a event scheduled named 'Destiny'. But since I know my boss, and he knows how videogames really are addicting, he gave me a second chance and I am still going to work daily. However, last day, I almost skipped work again due to another event I scheduled up. I went to work normally, did the stuff I did, but sometimes I fear that I might fire myself from my job just to go sit on the couch and play videogames. I literally can't stop playing those, and I have a vast variety of them, so if I get bored of one, no problem, I have another just ready to play ... but that's where the real bad things come in play. I got this job out of total luck. When I was in college, I skipped so many hours of study for tests just to play a videogame. I have no clue how I took good grades (A to B) on the tests, but I wasn't worried that time. All I wanted was to arrive, sit, and play. And in case I had to turn off the computer to do something ... sometimes it better had to be important. Sometimes I ignored parents or friends while they were talking to me. I literally do not know how to stop with the videogames. I just keep playing them, more and more, yet I haven't contracted anything bad (sight issues and the like) Please help, because since my friend said so well about this website I decided to come take a look. Anonymous (age 22, Brazil) * * * Olá, Furiend, Obviously, you have a videogame addiction. So, we know what the problem is, and that’s a start. I’ve known quite a few furries with game addictions, including to the point of not paying the bills and instead buying games to play. Financially speaking, such behavior is doomed, because eventually you will run out of money, get fired from your job, lose your friends, and then you won’t be able to play games anymore because you’ll be living under a bridge somewhere eating garbage from a dumpster. That’s one way to end a videogame addiction. Videogame addictions are like any other addiction. You become obsessed with them because they offer you a reward that makes you feel good. And, just like an addiction to drugs or alcohol, you will eventually suffer from lack of money, friends and family leaving you, poor health, and so on. The first step in quitting—again, just like these other addictions—is that you have to want to quit. You sound like you want to quit, but you’ll really need to commit to quitting if you wish to break this very bad habit. Here are some things you can do:
By employing these strategies, you should be able to wean yourself slowly off gaming. You could try cold turkey (stopping completely all at once), but that’s usually too rough for most people. I hope you will find the above suggestions helpful. Good luck to you!! Papabear Dear PapaBear,
I've been somewhat lurking and neglecting to post this on here for some time, but in all honesty... I might be dead by the morning light. I only have one question for you and anyone who wants to answer it, but I might need to establish some background first. 10 years ago, I figured out I was wrong. Wrong for existing, wrong for not doing well at scholastics, and wrong most of all for not being the Christian man I should be. I was molested by a younger man (whose name shall remain anonymous for his protection, not a fur though)at the age of 11, he was 9 at the time. I tried to secure the newfound friendship because of my family's (then) recent bonding with his family. Both families being very devout Christians, and homeschoolers seemed like a perfect match and I wanted that to happen between him and myself... I was tricked into being molested, and was told never to tell about it; but for three years I waited until I couldn't take the hatred, disgust and desire to murder the kid anymore. I exploded in anger, wishing I was never born when he was assigned to a group for a game. that next week, I told my parents. They couldn't believe it. I internalized the anger and redirected it from him, back to myself, for being wrong. 10 years ago, I also figured out I liked guys. Mainly I had crushes on both male and female kid celebrities and equated the usual hangout with full blown sex at the time… Making my attraction to guys and abomination, and making ME an abomination. I knew what the Bible said about Gays as much as any 9 year old would… not much except you had to change or (in my understanding) kill myself to get rid of this “abomination”. My heart was broken, full of self hatred and guilt for not being the right Christian, and desiring my complete and total destruction. but then, my cousin committed suicide at the age of 12, me being a year younger, he was the closest person I had to a brother. because of how harmful his suicide was to the whole family, I knew I couldn't do that… even though I still believe its what God wants and what the Christians want since I’m Bisexual today. Because of this, I can ask this question.. What should I do? Live a miserable life hating my entire existence and fighting the urge every 5 seconds to self harm and wound myself; or Live a free life but losing the family and people I love in the process? I should also add, I’m a third year sophomore going for a mechanical engineering degree (via Tennessee Tech University and Motlow College) to possibly make characters come to life in the future. I’ve never dated for all 21 years of life, and I live in the Bible Belt Buckle Of Tennessee (no getting away from Christian Hatred). My father is a minister, my mother is very devout, my sister is a successful student athlete gymnast in Georgia, and I just try to keep myself from committing suicide because its wrong. Everyone wants me to live. But only if its their way, or some sort of way that is decreed by the Bible or something else…. All in all, I hate myself, but don't want to, and want to freely live without these thoughts of guilt and hatred towards myself. Please respond soon, Slayton James Talon (age 21) * * * Dear Slayton, As you might have noticed, I just published a similar letter about being gay and Christian. If you haven’t seen it, please read it, too. I’m sorry to hear about how you were sexually molested. Extraordinary that your assailant was only nine years old. I can imagine that the negative impact that had on your psyche is part of your self-loathing now. You have the double whammy of not only feeling the disapproval of the local Christian community, but also of all the guilt and shame that comes from being sexually assaulted by someone who was supposed to be a friend. Before I go further, if you are indeed having suicidal thoughts, please stop reading this letter and pick up the phone right now and call the suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255 and talk to one of the trained counselors there. Whatever happens in your life, it is not worth killing yourself over. The core of your struggles here is your belief that you are a bad person. This belief is based on the judgments of other people. If you look, though, you will find still other people who will say that you are a good person. It all depends upon whom you are listening to. You are living in a conservative region, so it’s not surprising your ears are filled with the hatred people in that region evidently have for LGBT people. In Papabear’s opinion, there is a simple way to determine whether someone is a good person or a person who is doing bad things. A bad person says and does things that hurt others (often deliberately, but often with “good intentions”—and don’t forget that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions). Good people do not harm others, and very good people do things to help others. Given this measuring stick, how would you judge the people who would hate you and make your life miserable because you are gay? Given that, why would you listen to people who are bad or misguided? The wise person does not allow the words of a fool to trouble his ears. As a gay person, you are in some good company of people who are quite amazing. The list includes Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Tchaikovsky, Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, E. M. Forster, Alan Turing, John Maynard Keynes, Cole Porter, Noel Coward, Aaron Copeland, Christian Dior, Laurence Olivier, Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres, and Neil Patrick Harris, just to name a few. On top of that, the Pope himself recently said we shouldn’t be judging gay people (recalling his Bible, no doubt—as in, “Let he without sin cast the first stone” and “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”) Even Queen Elizabeth II recently was quoted to say that she thinks gay marriage is a wonderful thing. So, you see, Slayton, it’s all about the company you keep. Surround yourself with negative, hateful, petty, narrow-minded people, and you are going to get depressed quite quickly, as you are now experiencing. Instead, surround yourself in positive, loving people. For example, there is a website called Gay Christian Survivors that has a super message about acceptance. You can also try the Gay Christian Network. God, dear Slayton, is about LOVE. God is about ACCEPTANCE. God is about CHARITY. God is about HOPE. Anyone—ANYONE—who is counter to these fundamental values of the Loving God has no right to call him/herself a Christian (or Jew, or Muslim) in my honest opinion. God does not want you to hate yourself, Slayton. Hatred, whether directed at others or oneself, makes the Lord weep. At this point, it might sound to you like I’m a Christian. Well, no, I just believe that God (however you want to define Him) is about love and kindness and community. I do not believe in a God who wants war, terror, bombings, killings, prejudice, envy, greed, and selfishness. Call me a nut, but that’s what this bear believes. To answer your question: you need to live your life as you, and you need to fill your life with people who sincerely love you for you. If that means that some of your family have to go because they hate all gay people, then you are better off without them. Finish your schooling, get your degree, and move somewhere where you can find love and acceptance. There are many places all over the world, from San Francisco to the Netherlands, where you will be more comfortable (why do you think I’m in Palm Springs and not in Michigan, which made gay marriage illegal in its state constitution). It might be hard to uproot yourself, but it will be the healthy thing to do. In the meantime, reach out to the gay Christian community. There are thousands of others out there just like you. Always remember: God is Love. Hugs, Papabear Hello again, Papabear.
It’s been a couple of months since I wrote to you. Still nothing. I feel like the book is already written for myself. I feel that after the divorce that I had back in July of 2014 that I proved my ex wrong. That nobody would want to date me nor will they want to date a divorced LoneWolf such as myself. I am back to square one before I met this backstabbing b**ch (sorry about the language), miserable and lonely, though to that day of our divorce I feel that the book is already written for me. Is it possible that this is my fate in life to be divorced or never to be with anyone in my life again? Ad is it possible that my book is already written to stay this way for all eternity? If advice can't be given on this I understand why it can’t. Skullking LoneWolf * * * Hello, again, LoneWolf, Oh, Papabear can give advice on pretty much anything, but it’s up to the reader to decide whether or not to listen. You have been divorced less than a year, yet you have already thrown up your paws and given up on any other relationships happening in your life. That is a defeatist attitude. As long as you are down on yourself, bemoaning that fate has already written the book for me and I am doomed to be alone until I die, then that is exactly what will happen to you. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy. The way out of your situation is to change your attitude. If you go around feeling nothing but negativity about life, you create a powerful, dark aura around you that, although most others cannot see it, is very palpable. It chases people away from you who might otherwise have become your friends. It is very off-putting. A big step toward dispelling this aura is to learn to forgive. Put aside your bitterness toward your wife. That is part of your past now, and you are only hurting yourself by carrying that hatred in your soul. I understand anger, hon, and know that it will eat away at you unless you learn to, as they say, forgive and forget. In addition, learn how to have a positive attitude. You might ask, “What do I have to be positive about? I can’t be positive if my life is awful.” Actually, that’s not the way it works. You have the cause and effect backwards. If you take a positive attitude toward life, it can actually make your life better and good things will start to happen. For one thing, if people you encounter see you smiling and enthusiastic, it makes you much more attractive and they will be more likely to want to get to know you. Drop the negativity. Drop the doom and gloom. Only then will you turn your life around. Hugs, Papabear Hi there,
I’m recently struggling around with how can I be myself. I have this problem for a while already but its getting annoying. So as I maybe said before I’m a gay fur. I adore femboy furs a lot, they can be so cute and all, and I want to be like that too, I also sometimes act really girly, now that brings me to the this: At about 50% of the day I feel really male and I’m like a cool motor biker, listening to hard music like hardcore or heavy metal and so on, and I feel really good then, but when I feel more comfortable, as like in class because they all now I’m a gay fur, I get to feel really girly and I'd just love to be one except for the genitals, as like a trans or crossdresser. But I cant satisfy that desire, to be able to try out clothing like a girl, its really embarrassing and I don’t have those clothes and its really awkward to go and buy some or ask some of my sister. Also its really different from feeling like a cool moto biker, I don’t know what feeling I have to follow, but one of my biggest dreams is trying out and being a trans for one day and see if I feel better. But I just don’t know how to get to the point I can try it out without my parents or family or bf finding me weird. How can get to that point I’m able to be a femboy without feeling embarrassed or weird? I’m scared that if I do like it a lot when I get to that point and choose to stay like that I’m gonna lose my bf :( or my family liking me. I have no friends not even on the internet who are a furry femboy and kinda experienced the same thing as me Bluefluffy Fusky (age 17, Flanders) * * * Welcome back, Bluefluffy, Papabear believes that many people are under the false preconception that they can only be one thing. In my experience, people are much more complicated than that. We have many many aspects of our personality. Some are more dominant than others, but we are definitely not one-dimensional. Therefore, you can be, sometimes, a biker dude, masculine and tough, and, at other times, express your more girly, softer side. There is nothing wrong with that. You are lucky you live in a place like Belgium, which is much more open-minded about such things than the Bible Belt in the United States. It is therefore rather remarkable to me that you feel so uncomfortable about expressing yourself in such a wonderful country. My guess about this is that your problem is you haven’t yet reached out to the LGBT community in your area. How can you know what opportunities are out there for friends and activities if, as you say, you have no friends in the community, not even online. You need to find some buddies, Bluefluffy, who understand you. Below are some helpful links that I copied from antwerp.angloinfo.com: LGBT Associations Çavaria: An umbrella organisation with over 120 member associations supporting the LGBT community through consultation and trainings. The organisation also lobbies the government to ensure equal rights for gay people and transsexuals in welfare campaigns and general policy. Sensoa: An organisation whose aim is to promote sexual health and sexual rights. Its primary aims include promoting sex education and the prevention of STDs and HIV. Active Company: A sport and leisure association and club for gay people and their friends.
Many decisions in our lives are made based on fear. We are always afraid of being judged harshly by others: friends, family, coworkers. The human psyche has a powerful drive to be accepted because we are desperately afraid of being alone. This has the effect of making us hide behind masks, concealing our true selves, and, when we do this, we die a little inside. The thing about fear, however, is it is often unjustified. When I found out I was gay, for example, I was very afraid of losing some of my Christian friends. Fortunately, I chose my Christian friends well, and they accepted me for what I was (wow, many other “Christians” could take a lesson here). The same can be true for you. I don’t know your family, but you might not be giving them enough credit and they could be a lot more understanding than you think. Same with your boyfriend. In summary, don’t think that you have to be just one thing or another; embrace the complexity of your personality and soul, but do not make decisions about who you are based on fear of rejection. And reach out to your local community. When it comes to things like shopping, I’d bet you that there are shopping areas a train ride away where you can try on some pretty clothes and see other guys in the store doing the same thing. Do some research on the wonderful thing called the Internet and you will begin to learn about them. Hugs, Papabear |
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