Hi, Papa Bear,
I happened to discover your column not to long ago by a happy accident. Sadly, I can't exactly recall how. If I remember correctly, I believe that I clicked on an advertisement. Anyhow, I'll start on why I'm writing to you. I am a 17 year old Furry who has been feeling particularly lonely in the fandom lately. I joined the fandom when I was 15 and have felt a growing since of lonesomeness ever since. This is most likely caused by my choice to keep my mother in the dark about the fandom. She is a very supportive, strong mother and incredibly loving. It's just that I have a fear that she'll do a quick Google (regular or images) search of "Furry" and find some of the unpleasant material that exists in the fandom rather than all the good things. Also, I attended a small, local anime convention not too long ago with some friends. My mother's reaction was one of confusion but she let me go anyway. So, I think that she would be even more confused by the whole Furry fandom. Thus, I've decided to wait until I'm in college to start attending any conventions or meet-ups. Because of this, I've only limited my interaction in the fandom to FA. I do have one close friend who I know from school that is a Furry as well. Sadly, she isn't into the Furry fandom as much as I am. I say this because she rarely goes on FA (as she's told me in the past) and almost ever posts anything. Don't get me wrong. I know that the fandom isn't exactly for everybody. It's just that I feel rather lonely. FA may be my only connection to the Furry fandom, but it hasn't come without some issues. The closest that I've gotten to making a furfriend is when I comforted someone who's dog had just recently died. I didn’t expect anything to come out of it. I only saw someone hurting and decided to help. We had quite a conversation and he even followed me afterwards which surprised me. Also, on FA, every chance that I've taken to put myself out in the fandom hasn't exactly resulted in much. I've left as of now: 270 comments, since I joined FA from just under a year ago, on journals and art alike. However, I've only gotten a handful of responses, even to those in which I wrote lines upon lines of support and advice. I've also posted a few writing pieces (12) since my talents lean more towards writing rather than drawing. Sadly, for the most part, they've mostly gone unnoticed. The worst part about being on FA is seeing all of the other Furries who ARE participating in the fandom. I see the pictures of newly purchased fursuits, I find art that has at least twenty or more comments and I read journals upon journals of people discussing their upcoming trips with friends to whatever next convention is coming. I can't help but feel like an outcast sometimes by seeing all of these people and the happiness in the fandom. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true. I'm angry at myself for even being jealous of another human being's achievements and creations. But I can't help but compare everything that they have and the very little that I have. I'm constantly find myself in a fight between trying to keep trying to put myself out there and just quitting. I tell myself "Just wait until you go to a convention" or even "They'd like you if they just met you in person." But the truth is, that I don't know what to believe. All I know is that I feel alone. So my question is: what do you think that I should do? Should I keep waiting until I get to go to a convention some day? Should I continue to write and post comments on FA? I ask this because I don't know an answer. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. Sorry if I rambled in my letter. I'm just so melancholy right now. Thanks. Anonymous (age 17, California) * * * Dear Anonymous, First thing that strikes me is that FurAffinity (FA) is not the only furry site out there by any means. I hope you don’t think that is the only place you can go for furry interactions? There are many many other sites, too many to list here, but among the others are SoFurry, Furry4Life, FurNation, Furtopia, FurryMuck, and the many groups on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter. So, just so you know there are other options. Next, I think you’re overly concerned about your mom’s reaction. As you say, she is a loving and supportive and strong parent. I think that, instead of waiting for college, you should invite your mom to go to a furry convention with you. That is a super way of educating her and showing her it is not a Bacchanalia of perversion, but, rather, just like many other conventions, a fun place to gather and share interests with others. Now, you are in California, but you don’t say where exactly. If you are in southern California, you can attend Califur in Irvine (L.A. area) March 30-June 1. If you are in northern California, go to FurtherConfusion in San Jose in January. I understand wanting to get some attention in the fandom. It’s not that you are an attention whore, so to speak, but you simply wish to gain a connection with other furries. No shame in that. I don’t know what you are posting, exactly, in terms of stories, comments, etc., so I can’t say if you are doing anything wrong, per se. The thing is, before you can expect to get reactions back, people need to know who you are. Don't put the cart before the horse. Try to join smaller interest groups on places like Facebook and Furry4Life where you can meet and become familiar with people who share your specific interests (e.g., mine would be things like bears, wildlife conservation, greymuzzles, and fursuiting). Then try to find furries close to you whom you can meet in person at furmeets. All these things will help you find and build friendships among the furry kith and kin. I think you see where I am going with this. I’m thinking your problem might be that you are too generalized in your approach and you need to be more targeted. Also, you need some real-life exposure to the fandom. Remember, many furries are rather shy and slow to form friendships. You can’t just post comments on FA and expect to become the talk of the town. Have patience, and don’t give up on the fandom just yet! Hugs, Papabear
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Papabear,
How do I get over a breakup after over a year with the person and getting engaged, when they fancy someone 9 years older (he is 16)? Basically we met online as most furs do, and hit it off, he lived quite locally to me (within 200 miles) and we met up quite often. Around Christmas it started getting bad; he wanted me to move in with him and it all started getting stressful. He runs at stress, unfortunately, so I was left to try and fix it. He slowly started drifting away. His birthday came about a month ago and I visited him. It went OK until when I had to go home. Online he couldn't care less if he talked to me, but in person he wouldn't let go of my arm. I went out to get something for his birthday; I was gone 2 hours... He claimed it was 11 hours. When being told it was 2, he said, "Well, it felt like 11." The fact we had spent a week together, I thought it would be nice to give him some space, that space he claims he needs so much of. However, he felt neglected. After this he went online and started lying about who he was planning to meet up with, and I spoke to a friend of his; unsurprisingly I was blamed for driving my ex's friends away and dumped that very night. I haven't eaten or slept properly since and am rather distressed. Vennix * * * Hi, Vennix, Thanks for your letter. Quick question, if you don't mind: does your friend suffer from Aspergers or any other form of autism? This will help with my answer. Papabear * * * Yes, both, but not really major. * * * His somewhat erratic behavior is likely attributable to his autism, then. First, don't blame yourself for what happened; you can't help his behavior. Second, if he really wishes to move on, you are going to have to learn to accept that. I know it hurts, and because it hurts and you really care about him, you likely will not "get over it." That's often a misused phrase. What you'll learn to do is accept it and move on with your life. I'll write more later, but I have to travel to see family now, so I hope you understand. Take care. Papabear * * * Thank you very much. It is just so hard; all his friends say he was the happiest they had ever seen him when I was with him. Regards, Vennix * * * Hi, Vennix, While he may have been very happy while the two of you were in a relationship, his deciding to be in that relationship is up to him and not your responsibility. (Remember, people with autism might not react or behave to social situations the way you or I would normally). You offered to be with him and he pushed you away. His happiness, likewise, is not your responsibility. I found an article that might be useful for both you and your ex to read: http://www.scn.org/autistics/relationships.html. It might help. Remember, your needs and happiness are important, too. A relationship with someone who is autistic can be very challenging. I suggest reading more about autism and, specifically, Aspergers. Understanding how autistic people feel and behave might help you reconnect to your friend. I suggest you start with the Autism Society page at http://www.autism-society.org/. Good luck!!! Papabear Hello, Papa Bear, it’s me again and I wanted to ask you another question.
Today I was in my class and one of my friends got attacked by a student (he put him in a choke hold) and one of my other friends tried to help him. As this was going on I just sat there. I didn't help at all. After my friend was safe (the student said he was joking around and he said the he was sorry), I thought to myself, "I should have helped. I should have done something." I felt so guilty that I didn't help. If only I could be more like my fursona (having bravery, and being strong). But not to waste your time, Papa Bear, how can I be more like my fursona? Werehog the Werewolf * * * Hi, again, Werehog, Don’t be too hard on yourself. It sounds like a kind of scary situation, and you’re only human. When I was your age, I was very shy and afraid to get involved in things, too. I’m a lot different now than I was then (hoo boy! a lot different!) and you will change with time, too. What’s good is that you acknowledge there is room for improvement (as there is with anyone) and you want to do better. Great! What you need is a little self-confidence and to learn not to be afraid in confrontational situations. Now, I don’t know all the circumstances of the situation you described, but a lot of the time the answer is not to join in on the fight but to alert someone in charge (in this case, a teacher or administrator) and get them to stop it. Similarly, if this were a situation outside of school, you might contact the police, if appropriate. But there are cases where it can be important for you to get involved and help if you can, such as if no one else is there to help out, or if the situation is life-threatening and there is no time to waste. It’s not a bad idea at all to prepare for such an event. One thing you can do is take a CPR class. This is really a good idea for anyone to do. I took one some time ago (need to take a refresher), and it is simple and you can learn a lot in just a few hours. Another thing you can do is take self-defense classes or martial arts classes, or perhaps boxing. I would bet some are available at your school. Combine this with some weight training and aerobic exercise. Being more fit and learning to defend yourself will do wonders for your self-confidence. And when you are self-confident you will usually find that bullies and other twits will back down from you if you just look them in the eye and show that you are not scared of them. Reminds me of an incident a few years back when I still lived in Michigan. My mate and I went to a local fairgrounds for a fireworks show. Afterwards, as often happens at such things, there were a lot of drunks around. Yogi got a little miffed when this one guy on a motorcycle almost hit him (we were walking) and said so. Well, this guy got off the bike and started yelling and threatening Yogi, and I got concerned, so I stepped in and told the biker to leave him alone. He cocked his arm back and threatened to hit me, and I was like, “Go ahead. We’re surrounded by people and there are firemen right over there.” He grumbled and stumbled off. Only thing I regret is I should have gotten his license number and reported him for drunk driving. You wanna hear something crazy? I’m actually a lot more reticent to confront a customer service person about a bad product than I am to confront a dumb jerk who thinks he’s muy macho. For CS issues, I let Yogi handle it LOL. We get a lot of free stuff that way with his New Yorker attitude (“Hey! I’m talkin’ here! Waddaya mean you won’t give me a refund? Dis product sucks more than a cannoli made in China! Get me your supervisor, I’m done talkin to youse.” Hehe, a little exaggerated about the accent). Try taking some classes like I suggested, and realize that you are likely smarter than these droofuses who bully other people around. Don’t be afraid of them and they will back off; and be smarter than them. (If they don’t? Well, know what, I’ve been punched in the face a couple times in my life, and it really isn’t all that bad, especially when your adrenals are pumping.) Don’t seek out violence, but prepare yourself for it. It can actually do a lot for both your mental and physical health. Hugs, Papabear Hey PBear, It's Fai, again. I really don't have much of a story to run with because the first one I wrote just disappeared in the Internet. (It's always the first one, requiring me to do it twice and so help me if I didn't copy and paste it!) But back to my question: How could I make more time for my writing, learning the guitar, and general off-time? I have a horrible problem with procrastination and my massive library of games compounds onto the problem. Sports (basketball) which had just ended (lost at regionals) and now track would probably throw me to about 6, when I could get home; then I would play video games to about 8 (sometimes TV with my parents). Any Suggestions? Thanks, Fai * * * Hi, Fai, This, I must say, is an easy one: What’s more important to you? Writing and guitar or playing video games and watching TV? The two hours you spend on video games every night could be two hours you spend doing something useful, like learning to play an instrument and working on stories. Now, if video games are more important, then obviously the other two aren’t, so there’s no problem. Give up writing and guitar for your love of games and carpal tunnel syndrome. I worry about a lot of people who spend endless hours playing games. Games should be reserved for a little fun time at parties or one-on-one with a friend for maybe an hour a day or so. People who spend every second of their free time playing games are missing out on the real world—though they often do so deliberately because they wish to escape it. For some people, this gets really bad. I’ve seen furries not pay their bills because they insist on buying new video games (they have become, in essence, a tool, consumer zombies of game corporations). A shame. (And, please, no hate mail from video game addicts who claim it is a fulfilling use of time; this is one area where Papabear will not be swayed, and I know it will upset a lot of young furries who play games incessantly). I’m reminded of Penny on Big Bang Theory who got addicted to World of Warcraft. Anyway, while the two hours a night you spend on games isn't bad compared to what I've seen many do, it is still taking up a lot of your time. Cut back on the video games (and TV) and you’ll have plenty of time to do the things that are, hopefully, more meaningful and fulfilling to you. How do I know this? I used to play Civilization for hours on end, and then I got addicted to SecondLife. Now, instead of doing that, I write this column, exercise regularly, and am pursuing my long-delayed dream of learning the piano. All of which are infinitely more satisfying that staring at digital worlds on a screen.
To be fair, you should also look at the time you are spending on sports. I have nothing against playing some sports, but, again, you need to make sure you strike a balance between sports and other activities. Becoming sports-obsessive is just as bad as becoming a game addict, especially when you're merely a spectator and not physically involved in it. It’s interesting to me, too, how nowhere in your schedule does there appear to be room for your academic pursuits. When do you study? Get a piece of paper and pencil and create a chart (or an Excel spreadsheet, if you prefer, pausing for a chuckle at Papabear for using old-school stuff like pencils) and write down your schedule and how much time you spend on each activity (remembering to put down 7-8 hours for sleep). If you use Excel, you can easily convert this to a pie chart that really gives you a nice visual. Look at it and you will see where there is imbalance and where some important tasks need more emphasis and others should be deemphasized. Then rework your schedule according to your priorities. Works for me, and it can work for you, too! Hugs, Papabear Hey there.
I've asked questions of you a couple of times in the past, and I've appreciated your solid advice. As a bit of an update relevant to my next question, I left the family business(which was winding down to a close) for what was supposed to be my dream job. Six months of my life condensed into a few sentences, I quickly tired of the corporate grind despite a very nice paycheck. My folks decided to continue the business and invited me back with a hefty raise(not what I was making at the new company but pretty close). My boss countered by asking me to work part-time, so I have been working both jobs for about the past month. 50-60 hour weeks, up to 12-14 hours a day. Both the family business and department I work in at the 'new' company are understaffed, and I'm not sure if my corporate boss wants to let me go even after they find someone to take my position. My responsibilities at the family business have also increased drastically. I was pretty much a clerk for the entirety of the time I was working there before(from my high school years until recently). Now I find myself in charge of the entire show if my folks aren't there, making me the de facto store manager over several employees. I'm finding myself learning skills such as handling delicate situations and leading others, which I think is a great change of pace. However, the time has come where we need extra help. A close friend (and fellow fur) approached me a little while ago asking if we were hiring. I told him I would go to bat for him and talked with my folks. Despite his age (early 20s), he has demonstrated to me he is quite mature, well spoken, intelligent, and an overall good person. He also manages his personal life very well. While hesitant at the idea of hiring a personal friend, my folks interviewed him a few days ago and hired him on the spot. He starts in a couple of weeks. This isn't the first time I have worked here with a close friend. However, this is the first time I have worked with a friend as more or less their boss. We have discussed this at length, and he doesn't feel as if things will impact our friendship. My question, however, is this. How do I juggle the hats of being a good friend and an effective manager? I've been around my folks for so long that I've known the ropes of managing without being a jerk for some time, and I've also been pulling pages from Dale Carnegie's classic book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' especially the mantra to always encourage and never criticize. Are there any tips to make this professional and personal relationship work out? Heisenwolf * * * Welcome Back, Heisenwolf, Glad my earlier advice helped you, and also proud of your for being so successful. I would, though, caution you on overworking yourself. Keeping up that schedule can really burn a person out, so try to make some time for yourself to unwind. But that’s not what your letter is about. Papabear is well familiar with the problem of working with friends. Back in Michigan, I went into a business where I was one of the bosses and my partner hired a bunch of his friends and people he knew from the business. Long story short, although we all worked very hard, the business went under. There were a lot of hard feelings and people pointing fingers, the result being that none of those people are my friends anymore. Working with friends (and family) can really put a strain on a relationship. When it comes to your friend working for you, perhaps you could think of what you and your family do to get along. You all work together and yet you are not at each other’s throats; it sounds like you get along fine. What would you chalk that up to? Similar strategies could be used when relating to your friend. My other piece of advice would be to keep your work and your friendship absolutely separate from each other (my partner and I made the mistake of not doing this). After you leave your business for the day and, say, go to a restaurant and share dinner with your friend, do not discuss business at all. You guys were friends before you worked together, so talk about other things that you share—furry stuff springs to mind. And if your friend starts to bring up work, interrupt him and say, “Well, if you want to discuss that, let’s do it in the office in the morning.” Keep work at the workplace. If, while at work, you have a situation in which you have to be the boss and correct the behavior of your friend, always do so constructively. Make sure to point out what he is doing right as well as what he did wrong. Remember to avoid the following: 1. Don’t reprimand him in front of other people. 2. Don’t attack him on a personal level. This is about business, not personalities. 3. Don’t threaten him (e.g., “If this keeps up, I may have to fire you.”) A good boss is involved in helping his employees grow and improve. Be a coach, and follow up to see how things are going. Of course, if your friend becomes a model employee and things are going well with the business, you should have no worries at all. But even in that case, I would still keep work and social time separate. Hope that helps! And don’t work too hard! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
A few months ago I experienced a personal tragedy. But that's not why I write you today; I'm receiving help for that elsewhere. My issue is with friendships. After the event, I've found my friends drifting away. I'd hope they'd be there to support me, and some gave me some words of comfort the next few days after, but they soon became scarce. Either I'm the one who always has to initiate contact and keep the conversation going--they never contact me first--or they just stop responding to me, or in one case, said something hurtful and took my reaction as an excuse to end the friendship. My problem is two-fold. I have no success at maintaining friendships, and little at fostering new ones. It's tough making new friends at my age, and I have little in common with most furries. I'm just tired of being lonely. I'm tired of investing in friendships just to see them dissolve. I've turned everywhere for advice, I hope you could provide some. Thanks. Weary (age 34, Canada) * * * Dear Weary, It's ironic that in the "Communication Age" we seem to be more isolated from one another than ever. Making friends can be tough, to be sure. Many people, in my experience, are shallow and not really friend material, which means my real friends are all the more precious to me. In your life you will meet several types of people: acquaintances (don’t care one way or the other), hostiles (wicked people who will smile at you and think nothing of stabbing you in the back while telling you that you should be enjoying the pain), fair-weather friends (will hang with you when things are good, but not when their services are requested), and true friends (through thick and thin no matter what). Sounds like you had a lot of the fair-weather variety in your life. The loss you suffered was a litmus test and, sadly, they all failed. So, how to find true, blue friends? Well, for one thing, it helps to shop around among people your own age who share your interests. You mention furries, noting that you have little in common with them (and most are likely younger than you). See, that doesn’t work well. Start by finding people your own age (if you want to hang with furries still, might I suggest you join the Greymuzzle group I created on Facebook?) Examine your personal interests, as well as your education level and occupation and try to locate people who share these things with you. The other factor is that friendship is a two-way street. It’s not just about asking others to be interested in you, but you also need to be interested and involved in their lives. It does sound like you know that, though. My suggestion, overall, is to reevaluate the people you hang out with, both in person and online, and see if you can’t find a group of people who are more suited to your personality, age, and experience. Once found, try to hang out with them in the real world, not online. Interact with them doing real-life activities, sharing experiences. The more you share your life in the real world, the more you will bond. Such bonding is virtually impossible to accomplish in the virtual world. Oh, sure, you can communicate online, but I continue to maintain that deep bonding, even on a friendly level, is very difficult to do through a keyboard. I hope this helps some. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
For years now, I've wanted to get sprayed by a skunk. I've smelled the scent on the wind and the thought of getting skunked and taking a tomato juice bath arouses me. Still, I don't want others around me to suffer from the smell. Should I try to get sprayed or even be honest with those I’m living with about my desire? Angus * * * Dear Angus, Some reading this might think your love of skunk spray is odd, but it does have validity. Interestingly, there have been studies on this, and while most people find skunk spray repellant, a small minority of people find the scent very pleasurable. This has a lot to do with how people are wired. It’s kind of like how some people get physical pleasure out of pain (though your interest is not so extreme as that, of course). There are other smells that some people love while others hate, including horse manure, gasoline, mildew, body odor, and pipe or cigar smoke (I actually like pipe and cigar smoke but not cigarette smoke). Scientists who get government grants to research such things (your tax money at work) have come up with two theories: 1) it is a genetic predisposition, and 2) it is a learned behavior. Of these two theories, the second one is supported more by experimental research. So, first of all, wanted to emphasize that you are not a weirdo for liking skunk smell. In fact, you are attracted to the musk scent in the oils of the skunk’s glands, which, interestingly, perfume and cologne manufacturers often use in their products! It is used not only for the musk component but because the chemical in it (butyl mercaptan) is a scent adherent (that’s why it’s hard to get off) that makes perfume scent last longer. Secondly, I congratulate you for being considerate of other people’s needs and that getting yourself sprayed and not cleaning it off would lose you a lot of friends. What you can do is this: don’t try to find a wild skunk and get yourself sprayed (there is, after all, the possibility of being exposed to diseases a wild animal might be carrying, not to mention that harassing wild animals is not a good idea.) Instead, go to a local outdoorsman store (e.g. Cabela’s; hunters use it to mask their human odor from their prey) and you can purchase skunk scent in a bottle. I even found a website called SaveOnScents.com where you can purchase it (http://www.saveonscents.com/product_info.php/products_id/4831). You can then squirt some of the oil onto a handkerchief, for instance, and smell it at your leisure when you are not with others who might find it unpleasant. As for telling others, I wouldn't make it a big deal. If the subject ever does come up, for some odd reason, in conversation you can nonchalantly mention that you like the smell of skunk, no biggie. I think that would be the best solution for you, Angus! Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I'm a 21 year old male and I have 5 imaginary friends. I talk to them every night before I go to bed. I use to be depressed (it's gone now) and would think about suicide but they (my imaginary friends) would tell me not to think like that and give me reasons why I should live. I don't have a lot of friends and for instance if I was playing basketball by myself I would pretend they are playing along with me. I know they are not real but I like talking to them. Like I said before, I don't have a lot of friends and talking to them takes the loneliness away). So my question to you is do you think having 5 imaginary friends and being 21 is bad for me mentally? G * * * Hi, G, I would only be concerned about you if you said that the five friends who live in your head were real or if they were telling you to do things that were hurtful to you or others. You describe them repeatedly as “imaginary,” as well as helpful, so, therefore, you are not crazy. Many people have imaginary friends in their lives, although they usually imagine them when they are children, not 21-year-olds. But let’s consider this, as well: a lot of people would say that believing that Jesus Christ or the Holy Spirit is watching over you is just as imaginary as having pretend playmates or companions. Or, look at people like me, who believe that they have guiding spirits in their lives who help them survive the vicissitudes of our existence. These things could be considered equally, if not more, crazy than your imaginary buddies. It’s all a matter of perspective, you see. In a more quotidian example, many people in this country feel very close friendships to people they see on the television, especially on TV series. For lonely people, these characters become comforting, reassuring presences in their lives. Or look at the recent movie “Her,” about a man who falls in love with a talking operating system. The thing is, G, we all need companionship; it is a very human need. And, when we find ourselves living alone or in isolation and unable to connect, the human mind and spirit will do what it can to cope with that situation. Your invention of five friends is your method of coping, and it clearly works for you. As long as you have a healthy perception of the real world (know what is real and what is not) you’ll be fine. Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear,
I am an Indian Muslim guy brought up in a strictly traditional family. I've had a friend since my childhood with whom I've had a relationship beyond any boundaries. I'm a deep in the closet bisexual. The problem is I really love my friend so much. And I think he, too, loves me. He lives in a different city, but we talk every day for like an hour. We talk about all sorts of stuff, even the most intimate of it, like shaving my anus and things like that. I've said, “I love you”' to him many times, and he, too, replied the same. Once he even said that I'm his soul mate. Many people here mock that we are gay, but we never listened to them. But neither of us had ever explicitly said that we love each other like lovers, although we have said that stuff many times as if we are joking. We even have virtual sex through messaging, but we act always as if we are just kidding. We have never had sexual activity. I used to rub him while he sleeps with me, and he doesn't mind it, but he never initiates it. I checked his underwear while he went for a bath and found semen marks on it after I was rubbing him. I know I sound kinda really confused, but that's what I am. I can’t make it out that what shall I do? I want him to embrace me fully, but I can’t decide whether he is homosexual, or, if he is, then does he want to open up to me or not!!? Help me!!! Dead Inside (age 22, New Delhi) * * * Dear Dead Inside, You say that you are a Muslim from a devout family, but you never say from what religious background your friend comes. I am going to assume that he is also a Muslim, since it is a bit more likely that you met him among other Muslims than, say, among a group of Sikhs or Buddhists or Hindus. I’m sure you are very aware what the Qur’an says about homosexuality and that it is even more frowned upon in Muslim countries and communities than it is here in the United States. Therefore, I’m guessing that your friend’s family is not okay with his being gay (if they knew). Secondly, India is showing itself to be anti-gay as a nation. As I’m sure you’re aware, last December India’s Supreme Court ruled that gay sex is a crime punishable by 10 years in prison (what a disappointment for the largest democracy in the world to say that). Based on what you told me, your friend is attracted to you both emotionally and sexually. However, my guess is he is terrified to let that show. He’s terrified of what his family will do and what his country’s law enforcement might do to him, so he is scared to be open about it with you. Even though you have known him since childhood, perhaps part of the problem could be that he is afraid that you might say something to get him into trouble—however unintentionally—if he confesses love for you. In order for you to get him to relax, he must have 100% trust in you that you will keep this a secret. Perhaps you can establish a pact of some kind, entrusting him that you will in no way cause him harm or worry and that. This is a very delicate and unenviable position you are in. It’s bad enough being gay in a place like the United States; I can’t imagine how tense it must be for a gay Muslim man in India. I hope, at least, that my words will make you less confused. My instincts say he is, indeed, gay, but he feels he can’t open up because he is so fearful. The best you can do at this time is try to alleviate that fear as much as possible by showing yourself to be worthy of his complete and absolute trust. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
Ok, so I recently began identifying as a furry after finding out about the fandom, and I have decided to write to you about a thing that happened. I apologize in advance if my letter seems spacey or too long. I'll try to make sense as much as I can and keep it short-ish. I joined the furry community in secret at the beginning of last month, and (sort of) broke the news to my parents by asking what they would do if I wore a tail keychain to school, then slowly introducing them to the community after that. My friends are all ok with it; in fact, one of my friends who we call Candy Cane was the one who gave me the idea to check out the furry community, so nothing bad there. The problems started when I actually got my tail keychain this month, a raccoon looking one, and began wearing it everywhere including school. You see, there is this group of boys who tease me for liking the anime genre of cartoons, so when they saw my tail they asked if it was an anime character's. (Specifically, they asked if it was Pikachu's even though they know the tail looks nothing at all like a Pikachu's.) I could tell that they were not being sincere and were just trying to annoy me, so I ignored them. Later that day in another class I was in we had a group project so there were a lot of people walking around. I was getting supplies for my group when someone came up and pulled on my tail, but I couldn't see who it was because of all the kids. Another boy who likes to annoy me asked me the other day if my tail was a girl, which was just met with confusion on my part. Those are just the more memorable incidents, too. I've had people saying sarcastically in the hall that they "liked my tail," and asking if they could wear or have it, to which I always respond no because they might ruin it as people have scrawled curse words in pen on my drawings before so I'm rather protective of my things. What I'm wondering is how to get this to stop. It's been a while now and most of the kids are still teasing me. I cant go to the teachers of the school for a few reasons; one is that the vice principal will just say to stop wearing it, the actual principal doesn't like me, and I'm really bad with faces so if I try to get the more noticeable ones in trouble I will most likely get told that I got the wrong person and the whole report will be shoved into the corner of a teacher's desk somewhere. It's happened before when I tried to report fake and sarcastic "love confessions". (Ugh.) My friends aren't very popular either except for Candy Cane and she just kind of blows them off, so I don't have any "kid power" to help me with this one. If you have any ideas can you please help? Kind Of Stuck Here, Maya the Wolf * * * Dear Maya, Ah, yes, life as a teenager in school can be so much fun when you are not part of the “in” crowd, no? I remember when I was your age growing up in Van Nuys. With me, because I had not discovered the fandom yet, it was being teased because I was unathletic, shy, and fair-skinned (which is illegal in southern California when you are a minor, apparently). I got beaten up a couple times, too. That all started to change when I was in junior high. One day, I was in the hallway getting stuff out of my locker and this very well-muscled guy with a nasty expression on his face confronted me. For some reason—I have no idea why—he demanded I give him my bungee cord. Something just clicked inside my head, and I told him no. He grabbed me by the shirt and pushed me against the lockers, again demanding the cord. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t scared. I told him firmly, no, you can’t have it. After trying to intimidate me a little longer, he gave up and walked away. It was very strange. He was much stronger than me and could have taken it by force, but I think he was taken aback by the fact that this scrawny pale kid just was not afraid of him. Now, so far with you, it seems like no one is physically threatening you, which is good. But they are being very unpleasant. Bullies, really, though that is rather hard to prove when you don’t have something like an email to show the school or, worse, bruises. So, I agree, you do need to do something yourself to stop it. One thing is to not be afraid or intimidated. You’ve already tried ignoring them, but they can probably see by your expression that they are bothering you, and that’s what keeps their petty, small-minded desire to hurt you alive. You see, Maya, such kids are to be pitied, really. They are so afraid to be themselves that they feel they must fit in with the “popular kids.” Part of reinforcing that bond is making fun of those who are different in any way, like you. I applaud you for being yourself and wearing your tail. You are actually in very good company. Some celebrities who got beaten up and bullied for being different in school include Robert Pattinson, Taylor Swift, Eminem, Miley Cyrus, Tom Cruise, Sandra Bullock, Tiger Woods, and President Bill Clinton. Gee, I wonder where the people who teased them are now? Nobody knows, and probably for good reason: they were not unique or special because they were too busy trying to gain acceptance of the “normal” kids. Now then, other than ignoring these dolts, what to do? The key is to be smarter than they are, which doesn’t seem like it will be a challenge for you, given that they don’t know what a Pikachu tail looks like and, apparently, think tails have genders. (Another trait that often characterizes bullies is that they tend to be stupid). What you need to develop is some comeback lines that are more clever and Oh! Snap!-alicious. For example, when that kid asked if your tale has a gender, you could say, “That’s about as stupid as asking if my cell phone is a boy or a girl.” If they ask if that’s a Pikachu tail, say, “Wow, way to show off your ignorance about anime for everyone in the hallway to hear.” If they ask to wear your tail, say, “Sure! If I can borrow something really personal from you—how about your earrings? Or your crucifix necklace?” These people do not deserve your respect; when you shy away from them, it is the same as giving them power—the power to make you feel bad about yourself and uncomfortable. Don’t give them that power, and you can demonstrate that by sticking up for being you. If, after giving them comebacks like the above, they try to draw you into a war of words, simply say, “Well, this has been fun, but I have better things to do with my time than listen to people whose opinions don’t matter to me.” And then walk away. Oh! I almost forgot to add: take photos. Do you have a cell phone with a camera? Every time you run into these teasers, say, "Smile!" and take their picture. This serves two purposes: you can now recall their faces, and it can really scare bullies off because they don't want to have a record of what they are doing. Even better, make a video of them. This is perfectly legal for you to do because they are in a public place, and the courts have repeatedly asserted that you have "no expectation of privacy" when you are in a public place. Now, if this escalates into violence, that’s another matter. Many states have laws against bullying. It is illegal! And that’s not just violence. If these kids are making your life a living hell and making you depressed, you have a case. Visit the government site at http://www.stopbullying.gov/index.html to learn more. I don’t care if the principal doesn’t like you; he is legally obligated to help you if this becomes a bad situation. It is my hope that that won’t be necessary, and simply sticking up for yourself more will end the bullying. Bullies tend to be pansy sissy boys and girls with low self-esteem who back down when faced with someone who is not threatened by them (see above). This is probably why Candy Cane does so well. She isn’t bothered by them, and neither should you be. If I were you, I would talk to her a bit about what I have written here and get some ideas from her, as well. I hope that helps, Maya! Stay Furry! Papabear |
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