I am at a loss on what to do. My mate has been very secretive lately, and I know why: he’s been on these apps like Scruff, Grindr, Growlr. And he says he’s single. Now I don't mind if he were to looking for friends. As far as I know, our relationship is not open. He tells me he loves me all the time. I just know he's been doing this for some time, even hooking up with other people. How can I approach him about this without him getting too upset?
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Any long-lasting, healthy relationship is based upon honesty (I don't think I have to tell you that). It is fine if both partners want a monogamous relationship or if both partners want an open relationship. It is even fine if one partner is monogamous and the other polygamous PROVIDED that both parties agree this is the way it is going to be.
Secretive behavior is a warning sign. Lying behavior is a warning sign. Since you know that his profile is a lie and he is saying he is single, the logical conclusion is that he is hooking up with other people without telling you. This is not acceptable. If he were just looking for friends, he would say "partnered" in his profile or "partnered but open." For the sake of your own sanity, you need to talk this out. You said you thought you were in a monogamous relationship, so you are the one being betrayed. When you approach him and tell him you know what he is doing, you should not be worried about upsetting him. Good grief, you are the one who he should be worried will be upset!
Are you worried that if you upset him he is going to leave? Would you want him to stay even though he is having sex with others behind your back? If you want him to stay no matter what, then probably the best course is to not confront him at all and live a lie. But if you want the relationship to be honest and he can't handle that, then good riddance to him is what I say.
The third possibility is that you are honest with him, he will repent, and then he will be faithful after that. But, honestly, do you really believe that's what will happen? More likely, he will either deny he is misbehaving (even in the face of evidence, which he might say "was just a mistake") or he will give you a bunch of lame excuses and try to push the blame on you for his own behavior. Again, unacceptable.
Bottom line is this: your hesitation about confronting him is the result of your fear of facing change because the most likely change will be that this will mark the end of the relationship and you'll have to start all over again. It isn't at all that you are afraid of hurting his feelings.
Now that all the options and possibilities are laid out in the open for you, it is your choice. What will you do?
I recently found out that both of my best friends are bisexual. I am straight, and I was slightly bothered by this, but I remained their friend. Now I have been best friends with them for almost my entire life, 6 years now. One of them, I'll call E, made a new friend, that I'll call L. My other friend, who I'll call B, said that E liked L. And today after school, E said that she would be going to starbucks with L, then going to L's house to "eat ice cream and watch anime". My heart sort of sank, but I didn't react. But B is also nervous. E hangs out with L a lot, and sometimes she leaves class without me, bringing L with her. I'm starting to worry that she'll leave us behind. Because just last week, both B and E liked the same boy. He told B that he liked her, and not E. E has been sulking around, and doesn't talk to us very much anymore. She spends more time with L, and today after school I already almost ended up crying. We've been friends for 6 whole years, and she's the closest friend i've ever had. And my parents have been thinking about moving. If we move, E will get only more attached to L. B will be left behind, with both of her friends robbed from her. I need some way to get E to either feel better or stop spending time with L. I prefer the former. How can I get her to stay with us?
Lela (age 11)
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First point I have for you is that this has (or should have) nothing to do with whether or not your friends are bisexual (unless you think they are engaging in sex, which is another, matter since they are not of legal age). This is more a question about friendships. Assuming everyone involved here is 11 or around there, this is a very very young age. It is extremely rare for kids who have formed friendships before they were 10 to keep those friends throughout their lives (I have one such friend whom I've known since third grade, but that's it, and we've kind of grown apart anyway).
In your (hopefully) long life to come, you will gain new friends and lose touch with others. This is normal. You cannot force a new friendship, but you can deliberately lose or sabotage one with bad behavior on your part. It sounds to me as if you are against E being closer to L because you want E to stay your friend. I can tell you, however, that if you somehow plot to break E and L apart, you are going to lose any hope you may have had for E remaining your friend.
Instead of being selfish about it, you should be happy for E and L. They seem to have hit it off. Be glad for them, and tell them you are glad for them. Make it clear to both E and L that you would like to be a friend to both of them. Reach out with kindness, not selfishness. And do not allow B to use you as a tool for breaking up E and L.
You can remain friends with everyone: B, E, and L. One, two, or all of them may be closer friends than the others, but you should always remain friendly. Don't start playing these little games that humans so often play because you wrongfully believe you can manipulate others into being your friend.
That's not how to be a good friend.
If E and L should decide to leave you and B out of the picture, well, that is their choice. Tell them "bye bye" and wish them well. Stay close friends with B if you can. And, if you move away, be open to new friendships wherever you go.
Be kind to others, be friendly, be helpful, and you will never find yourself without friends.
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