Hello Papabear,
I have something that’s been bugging me for a while. I've been dating another man for the first time for a few weeks now. I've fantasized about being with a guy for a very long time, but have been with women for almost all of my relationships, and I've been wondering if what I am doing is what I truly want or if I am playing tricks on myself. It's been bugging me so much that I worry about it every day and I'm constantly stressed whenever my mate isn't with me. It's gone so far as to embarrassingly affect my performance in the bedroom. Is this what people go through with their first same sex relationship, or is this just me playing mind games with myself? Arcturus * * * Hi, Arcturus, There could be a couple things going on here. One would be the simple nervousness of trying something new and being unsure of yourself, the other being that you are freaking out a little about your sexuality. Both, yes, are gremlins of the mind. You are overthinking things. Instead, trust your instincts. Your body knows what it wants to do and how to do it, but your mind is holding you back. It’s kind of like learning how to relax and go to sleep when your body is tense. I’ve learned some exercises that help me to de-stress by focusing on different muscles, realizing they are tense, and allowing them to relax. When I have done this and relaxed all the muscles, I feel almost instantly that I am on a cloud and drifting off to sleep. Similarly, when you are making love, you need to “relax” all those thoughts in your mind that are tensing you up. Forget about your past sexual experiences, definitely forget fears and anxieties put there by society, and live in the moment. Focus on your boyfriend, the intimacy of revealing yourselves fully to each other, the stimulation of all five senses, and the physical, nearly spiritual moment you are about to share together. Being able to do that is one of the keys to having great sex. Don’t think—do! Papabear (Oh, and before I hear from my buddy Critter again, don’t forget about safe sex, please).
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Papabear,
Is it okay to never, and I do mean never, come out of the closet with your family? And by okay, I am more asking for a mental okay. Hoping it won't drive me crazy to do it. Because leaving my family isn't really an option. Every job I've ever had, the money has always gone to the family because they needed it. And when I'm not working then you give your time. I really don't have a social life; I have a family. I can't leave them, but the whole family is one step away from completely homophobic, so I don't want to stay with them. I would very much appreciate some advice. If not I understand and thanks for reading. Bye. Majora (age 18) * * * Hi, Majora, An excellent question. Can a person hide who he or she truly is forever and ever? I tried to do it for four years. I was married to a wonderful woman, but at the age of 40 I came to the earth-shaking realization that I was gay. I hid it for a long time, but though I did my best, my now-ex was/is not a stupid person. She knew something was up, and the tension got worse and worse with each passing year. Finally, there came a time when it had to come out. We were going through some old photos and she looked at me and asked what happened to us. I started to cry and just said the truth. We both cried together and what followed was very difficult for both of us (still is), but we got through it and remain friends (I’m so grateful!) Majora, your family knows who you are as a person, and you live with them every day. No matter how hard you try, and even if you can manage it for years, eventually, the truth will be made known, either on purpose or by accident, but it will happen. At that point, several things might occur: 1) your family (and you) will pretend they don’t know the truth, which will result in anger and bitterness because the secret will be nagging at the back of everyone’s mind, or 2) there will be a lot of yelling and screaming and, if they are intolerant people, you will find yourself on the wrong side of the door (or subjected to long efforts to try to “cure” you, which is a living hell), or 3) you will discover that your family really does love you and will learn to accept you for who you are (aka a true family). It pains me that your family dominates you so much that you don’t even have a social life. No friends? No chance to play sports or go to a party with some school buddies? Really? How awful! I understand that family is family, and it is good of you to be helping out with the financial burdens, but you have a right to be happy, as well. Now, because they depend on you for money, I would guess they are not going to toss you out the door because that would be making things difficult for them, so I’m thinking they may yell and scream and then it will all settle into tense silence with occasional unpleasant outbursts. That is not a way to live. What you need is an intermediary, someone to whom they will listen. Not knowing what religion your family is, try taking your confession to a priest, minister, or rabbi. Hopefully, you know of one who is kind and not judgmental (i.e., won’t say you’re going to burn in Hell). If you could find such a person, discuss it with them and then have them come to your home and have a dialogue with your family. If not a religious guide, perhaps there is someone in your family (even a distant relative) who is more open about this than the rest of them and they can serve as the intermediary. Or else a school counselor or teacher, or, if available, a social worker or family counselor. The other thing I hope you will eventually be able to do is wean yourself off this mutual dependence on the family. Having a family can be a wonderful thing, or it can feel like a ball and chain. Sounds like, for you, it is the worse of these two options. If I were you, my goal would be to gain financial independence so that I could live on my own while still helping my family as much as possible. This way, you can be your own man. No one should have to spend their life pretending they are something they are not (sadly, it happens to millions of people all over the world). Judging by your letter, you would agree with that. The short answer to your question is this: no, I don’t think you’ll be “mentally okay” if you hide the truth from your family forever and ever. It will drive you bonkers. So, you will need to take careful, well-planned steps to escape this prison. I hope this helps to clarify things in your mind a bit. Please write again if you have more questions. Hugs, Papabear Dear PapaBear:
I have always had this issue with my boyfriend and my family, but it always required me to give up one thing for another. For example, if I had a trip I was planning for a long time, and I had to give up my money for small family favors. It's those kinds of options that never have a "Win-Win" result, it comes out to be a "win-lose" because I always had the funds and time to go for a vacation to be with my mate or let my family suffer with tasks or issues they’re not capable of dealing with, or vice-versa. Even though if I deny one option it ends up as a total loss, which causes one or both parties to be disappointed or enraged with my choice. How can I resolve this for all parties to be in common ground with me? And I am sorry if some things don't make sense on a few things... Oni Foxandez The 3rd (age 21) * * * Dear Oni, It sounds, on first glance, as if your family depends on whatever income you are making in order to get by. And, by family, this means parents and siblings and possibly other relatives? Clearly, we’re not talking about your spouse and your children, since you are seeing a boyfriend. Given that you are 21 years of age, we are also not talking about you being obligated to live with your family; however, my guess, too, is that they are helping you some financially by giving you a place to live, which I am speculating you cannot afford on your own. Next order of business is prioritization. Big priorities would be things like rent, food, clothing, paying the utility bills and so forth. If, by visiting your boyfriend, you were depriving your family of these necessities, then I would say that is not a very good thing to do. BUT! (And this is a big BUT) you explain, “I had to give up my money for small family favors.” That, to me, sounds like they are asking you for money for things that are not vital to their survival. Since you are living with your family, and since you seem to be making some money on your own, it is fair that you help your family with the daily needed expenses, such as your share of food, housing, and so on. Anything beyond that is “discretionary money.” That is, while you’re being an adult and doing what is right by a family who is giving you a place to live, you also have the right to your own life, including spending time with your boyfriend if that’s what you wish to do. And you have the right to do that without feeling guilty about it. The troubling thing you say is that you might “let my family suffer with tasks or issues they’re not capable of dealing with.” If these tasks or issues are serious, you, as part of that family, and because they are helping you, need to make them your first priority. If you’re family is truly suffering, then doing otherwise would be immoral. On the other paw, if they are just being whiny because they want a new DVR or video games or a computer or things that are not necessary, then see my above statement about not feeling guilty about it. Legally, of course, you are under no obligation to help them. If you wanted to, and if you could swing it, you could abandon them, find a roommate or two or move in with the boyfriend, and move on with your life. Morally, that would be a rather selfish thing to do should they genuinely need your help. Once you've figured out the priorities, discuss them with your family and with your boyfriend so that everyone is on the same page. If you wish to provide me with more details so that you can get a better, less generalized answer, please write again and I’ll add your reply to this letter. Good luck! Papabear Hi Papabear,
This question is not for me specifically, but for potentially all furries. How would one best describe furries to someone who all they know about furries is the "bad stuff"? EG: That one CSI episode. I feel like if all that a person knows is the bad stuff, it would be hard to try and convince them otherwise. I'm just curious to see what you think is the best way to go about doing this. Kumori Urufu * * * Dear Kumori, To understand the nature of this question, one must first understand prejudice and how prejudices come about. It’s a result, really, of how the human mind works—what I call “The Triple Threat.” 1) Human beings like to categorize everything in order to make the world easier to understand. They like things to be black and white, not 50 shades of grey. 2) The other thing about the human mind is that first impressions are extremely important. That’s when we gather our initial information about someone or something and draw conclusions. Once drawn, it is very hard to erase and redefine those conceptions, which sometimes go so far as to be preconceptions with little or no information. And 3) the third factor is that people tend to hate (or at least avoid) those things that they do not understand or that are different from them because things that are different challenge their concepts of what the world is and how it works, so, therefore, these things seem threatening to them. Therefore, if someone unfamiliar with furries gets his or her first impression from something like the infamous CSI episode, they will quickly conclude that furry is about people dressing up as animals and having sex. Or, if they first come across it via furporn on the Internet, they will think that’s what we’re all about. The Triple Threat is why you get people who think that lesbians all wear tool belts, gay men all like to dress as women and talk with a lisp and call each other “girlfriend,” Asians are all smart and enjoy solving math equations, and Muslims are all terrorists. Utter nonsense. This sort of thinking developed because back in our “caveman days” evaluating a situation and coming to a quick conclusion was a helpful survival skill (“Ugh! Me never see big cat with six-inch fangs before! It eat friend Trog! Must be dangerous! Me Run Away!”) Things are much less clear-cut in our modern world, although we still get things like (“Ugh! Me watch Fox News. All Fox News people say Democrats destroy ’Merica! Me hate Democrats!”) So, how do you overcome the Triple Threat? It depends on the person who has these prejudices. If the person is particularly dense and thick-headed and has been ingesting stupidity all his life, then you likely won’t change his mind. The quicker you can get to the person after he has been exposed to something inane like CSI’s episode about furries, the easier it is to correct their thinking. The key to that is education. Charlotte Brontë said, “Prejudices, it is well known, are most difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilised by education: they grow there, firm as weeds among stones.” And Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn similarly said, “It's an universal law—intolerance is the first sign of an inadequate education. An ill-educated person behaves with arrogant impatience, whereas truly profound education breeds humility.” Educate them! Take them to a furry convention so they can see what goes on. Have them watch some informative videos (I’ve posted some here http://www.americanfurryassociation.org/videos.html). Show them all the many many many examples of the fandom that are completely G-rated. Show them the diversity of the fandom, from artists and fursuiters to writers and performers. Introduce them to actual, real-life furries because, once you get to know us you realize we are, in many ways, just like human beings! Gosh! Whodathunkit? And, by the way, furries did not invent animal kink. That's been going on since the days of ancient Greece and Egypt. Thanks for your question :-3 Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I'm very conflicted about something and wanted your perspective and advice on this: My brother recently convinced me to pull out of the community college I was attending and immediately transfer to the University of Missouri—Columbia. His argument is that I am wasting away my 20's and I should be engaging in social opportunities, meeting people, and broadening my horizons. I am currently living at home with my parents while I attend a local community college trying to earn my Associate's Degree. I'm very close to getting my Associate's, but there's a strong likelihood that I will be there over a year as I fail my math classes, my worst subject. The thing is, though, that I agree with my brother. Living at home is giving me cabin fever. We live way out in the countryside, I feel trapped often, I don't hang out with anyone. I do work though, and I'm making $13 an hour doing photography and photo editing, which is awesome. I never thought I would be doing that and getting paid fairly well for it. My brother tells me that he regretted doing what I am doing now, living at home and going to the community college. He said he was much happier living on his own. If I leave by next semester, I can be living with my friends I made my first year in college and having a blast drinking and partying. I'm sure there are plenty of furries to meet there as well, and maybe I can get laid in the midst of this too. It's a huge school. I'd also be taking art classes for the first time in about two years to put towards my BFA degree, so I'd actually enjoy going to college again. But I would be making less money, it going towards rent and utilities, gas, food, and possibly other expenses. I guess what I'm really trying to ask is: Am I making the right decision by giving up my financial stability, a good job, and a possible Associate's Degree for my freedom, well being, self-discovery and enjoying my social life? I'd still be going to school though, and enjoying my classes for quite a while (until I have to take math). Frroat (age 21) * * * Dear Frroat, Please note that school is not about drinking and partying with your friends. It is about getting an education (what a concept!) Also note that what is right for your brother might not be right for you. You are two different people. Give up financial stability and an associate’s degree for a much less optimal situation just so you can party more? That, pardon me for saying so, is incredibly short-sighted and not very smart. It sounds like you are close to obtaining your AA. Need a little help with math to get over the hump? Use some of that financial stability you have right now and hire yourself a math tutor. After all, if you can’t pass math at a community college, what makes you think you can at a four-year school? The advantage of a community college is that it is much easier to get the individual attention you need than at a large university. Take advantage of that now. If you don’t, you likely will fail at the university level, so your plan would be ruined. Your discomfiture over living with your parents can serve as your motivation to succeed quickly where you are, and then move on with your life. Finish your AA degree and THEN move on to a four-year school, knowing you can transfer that degree for credits toward you B.A. (consult with your academic advisor at your community college about transferring credits and degrees to make sure you get the most bang for your buck; some universities don’t accept all credits from certain schools and some universities have close ties to particular community colleges to make this process easier). What I’m trying to say is that transferring to another school is no solution. Sure, you might be able to party more, but that is not going to help your education or your future. Instead, play it smart. Focus now on succeeding where you are in the quickest way possible, and you will be out of your parents’ house in a year and be much better prepared for the future. Is fighting for the right to party more important than that? If so, listen to your brother and have fun getting drunk because soon you’ll find yourself out on the street with no degree. If not, tell your brother you have your own plans and stop feeling pressured by him. I hope you make the right choice. Good luck! Papabear Hi Papabear.
I've been feeling really useless. I'm a high school dropout but I blame myself for that. I get really bad panic attacks when I'm around a lot of people which I think led to me dropping out. Then I can't drive because I don't have good depth perception. I wear glasses, but the doctor still said I shouldn't drive. So now I'm an uneducated shut in with no license. I’ve been living on a $2,000 or $1,000 dollar check I get every three months, but bills, food, and family (including pets) forces me to use it up in a month, so I have to go donate plasma. I really want to get my G.E.D and get an art degree so I can get a job without leaving my house or so I can at least call myself an artist and have an option to get a job. Then reality sets in. My family won't help me, taking a bus is out of the question, and I can't get medication for my panic attacks because I have no insurance or someone who will take me to the mental health clinic, plus no money. I need to have a steady income, but no one will help me. I feel so useless. I can't do anything. I can't even join the army since I have bad eyesight and I had asthma when I was young. Some days I feel like disappearing. My family would still get the check. I mean, I don't do anything, so If I'm gone nothing would change. I feel that if I'm gone everyone and everything will be better without me. I have nothing to live for, my self-esteem is gone along with my pride. Uh, is there any advice you can give me? mb (age 23 in Arizona) * * * Dear mb, Papabear gives you a big HUG. I thought you might need it. I’m glad you took the time to write me. You have three issues here, one being, I perceive, thoughts of suicide, but I think we can alleviate that if we fix the other two issues: health and education. Let’s do health first. I am a little surprised you have apparently not heard of the passage of the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare). With your extremely low income, you should easily qualify for health insurance in Arizona at little or no cost. Two sites I want you to check out: 1) The Arizona Department of Economic Security’s health care page, and 2) The federal government site. You should qualify for health care assistance, after which you find a doctor and go see them about your health issues. The second subject is schooling. I’m proud of you for wanting to get your G.E.D. so that you can find work and make something of yourself despite your family’s shameful lack of support. Fortunately, you were born in the technological age, and there are ways for you to earn your G.E.D. at home for free. In your state of Arizona, there is Insight Academy of Arizona. You can also check out Arizona Connections Academy. These places offer high school courses, but you can also go online for help to specifically pass the G.E.D., such as Pima Academy, which offers on-site as well as online courses. Do a little research and you will find something suited for you. When you are ready to take the G.E.D., this may be the one time when you actually have to arrange transportation to get to a testing facility. Make absolutely certain that you go to an accredited facility (there are scam facilities) by checking first with the Arizona Department of Education, which is also a great place for you to learn more about classes and testing. In short, mb, there are ways for you to get the help you need, conveniently and at home for free, both medically and in school. Happily, you clearly have an Internet connection, since you emailed me, so all this is possible for you. I hope that helps! If not, and you're still having depressing thoughts, please write me again. Good Luck and BIG BEAR HUGS! Papabear Dear Papa Bear, Greetings.
Just want to say, I have read some of your responses and really do like what you have said. What I want to talk about with you is about a long distance relationship I am in. First of all, I am not a young male. After Anthrocon, last year, I met another male on Facebook. Needless to say, this other guy does not live close to where I live. We started talking over Facebook, with letters, IM and on the phone. We do call each other [about] every day. This started about two weeks after the initial Facebook contact. I have found that I fell with love with him and he for me. For me, this is the first time I really felt this way with another person. I have had other guys in my life, from time to time, but I have never felt this way - nothing like this before. I have never been married and he has been married, has two children. Well, over the last six months or so, we agreed to meet each other. I went to his place first. Just want to say, I have never felt so compatible. To be at his residence, to be with him, and with his two wonderful children. I also like the city in which my b/f lives. But I want to say, there was things I had to get used to. The locations of the light switches, the stairs and he took the blanket. (I did get additional blankets - so all well that ends well). He also came to my residence, met my dog and part of my family. On the side note, I have never told my family that I am a homosexual. But I did tell them before we both came over for a meal. Needless to say, for some in my family - this news did not go over so well. We all grew up with in a Christian church which taught that this style of life is not right. Some family members guess that I lean in that direction. To wrap this up, my family generally supports me but are concerned with my spirituality and health. His two children already knew this about their dad, so this was not a surprise to them. Now to come to the point, I really wish to go deeper into this long distance relationship. (My friends all said that I need to find someone that is close to where I live. i.e., no more than two hundred miles distance). Since we have only physically met for a bit other two weeks, we both feel that it would not be right for me to come and live with him. [A visit is one thing but to have someone move in, that is something else]. We both feel that we should get to know each other a whole lot more before crossing that threshold - to live together. Well, for me to move out to this other city, I would need sell what I have, then move out to this other city; find a job and a place to live. After this, we would be able to see each other, a lot more. (Church, TV nights, dinner and more). I do want to say, I have moved before, it is not easy to move to another location but I know what needs to be done. I would leave my family behind [I have lived in another part of the USA for a bit of time without my family – so, yes I kind of do know what this means]. If this relationship does grow (which is my hope), then in time I think I would move in with my b/f; we would live together. To spend the rest of his/my life together (how ever long that may be). But if this relationship does not grow, as I am hopeful, we would be remain very good friends and I believe that we would share each other lives. So, this is the current great plan - I want to say I am a bit afraid and scared. Any words, questions or comments you have - I would be grateful. Unsure Fox (age 58) * * * Dear Unsure Fox, This sounds to me like one of those letters I often get in which the writer has already really decided what he or she wants and is just running the idea by me to see if an outsider would agree. I congratulate you on several things: being very open with your boyfriend and your family about what you want and who you are, recognizing that long-distance relationships don’t work, taking the time to meet with your boyfriend in person, including family members, and recognizing the potential hardships that will involve moving to be closer to him. Depending on how difficult the trip is, my initial recommendation would be to try to visit him for extended periods at least a couple times more before making the big move. Just one two-week visit is not very long. However, if that is really not possible to do, at least you had some real-life exposure, which is better than none at all. My other cautionary note—and I’m saying this without knowing you personally—is to be careful that you are not deciding this guy is “the one” because you are 58 and thinking that there might not be very many chances left in your life to find a partner. Finally, you must recognize that finding a job in another city at your age can be problematic. While workplace discrimination against hiring older job candidates is against the law, ageism is alive and well in corporate America, especially since it is quite difficult to prove. I’m not sure what type of job you’re looking for, but I would do a lot of job searching and research before making a move. But it sounds to my ears that you really do find this man special, more special than anyone you have met before. You like his kids, your family is either accepting or coping with it, and you recognize he might have some quirks but none of them are deal breakers. Based on this, I do think it is a commendable idea for you to move closer to him (guessing that the opposite is not convenient because your boyfriend has kids). All that practical stuff aside, you sound to me like a mature, reasonable man who has fallen in love, wants to move closer to his boyfriend, and recognizes all the hardships that are involved. You are likely capable of creating a strategy for this change in your life. Preparation is key. If I were you, I would do it. Set your plan into motion and be with your love. I wish you much happiness and luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
As I've told you in the past, I'm bisexual. I'm going to be graduating in June, and after that, I would like to start looking for a boyfriend. I'm not about a superficial, casual fling. I'm talking about a long term, committed relationship in which I feel a legitimate connection. You see, I've only dated girls up to this point. I have zero experience dating other guys. Do you have any general advice for dating men? Hugs, Anonymous (age 18) P.S. Does anal sex hurt? * * * Hi, Anonymous, I hear this sort of thing a lot from writers: “I’m looking for a boy/girlfriend.” I, personally, don’t care for the hunting strategy. For one thing, it kind of makes you look desperate, which is not very appealing to most potential mates. For another, it might make you rush into someone’s arms too quickly just because they gave you a hint they might be interested. On the other paw, supposedly matchmaking services do quite well (although there have been reported cases of unhappy customers having dates from hell), or, if you have a lot of money, you can hire a personal matchmaker for a much more individualized experience. My recommendation has always been to abandon the computer algorithms and go for something more organic. That is, go out and experience life, develop hobbies and interests and activities that expose you to connecting with other people with like interests, and you will be much more likely to find someone suited to you. Not only that, but since you are meeting them in person, there is none of that long-distance crap that dooms most such relationships to failure. So, the big question: dating boys versus girls. You’re asking the right furry because I’ve done both. The thing you have to be careful about with men is that they tend to be a lot more libidinous than women (pardons to readers for gross generalizations, but the writer asked for general advice so I’m giving some generalities that I know are not always true but often are). So, when dating a guy, you want to make sure that he’s not just looking for a hook-up and/or operates on a deeper level than whether or not he finds you physically attractive. On a completely biological level that I acknowledge as extremely shallow (taking out all other factors that make us much more than just breeding machines), women are seeking men who will be stable and good providers for their children (obviously not true when talking about older people seeking companionship, but you’re 18 so that’s not relevant), so the tendency is to look for someone with a good income and stable job who is also healthy. Biologically speaking, health is often marked by regular, symmetrical features and a fit body (there’ve been studies on this at the university level that show this to be true), which is why both women and men go for these features that we deem “handsome” or “pretty.” Men look for features indicating a woman who will be able to bear and nurture children, which is why curvy hips (good birth canal) and large breasts (ample milk) are attractive to men. Some people are more ruled by their biological urges than others, and these are the people you wish to avoid because they make for shallow, unpleasant relationships if all they care about is the physical and monetary. Putting all that aside, the difference between dating a man and dating a woman is that it is quite true that women are from Venus and men are from Mars. How you deal with this depends on what kind of person you are and what type of person the woman is. There are effeminate men and manly men, as well as butch women and girly girls. There are also mixes of the two. It’s usually a better match to link like with like. For instance, my marriage worked rather well because my ex had both masculine and feminine sides (she loved cars and sports and was [and is] a strong woman and I liked that, but she also had a feminine side and so did I, so it worked well). The whole reason I didn’t think I was gay for the longest time was that I do not care for effeminate men (case in point: walking to a restaurant last night Yogi and I came across two swishy men who walked with limp wrists and giggled; I cringed), but then I found bears and that worked well for me. I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that when dating men you should seek guys whose balance of masculinity/femininity is in tune with your own, and you should seek someone who isn’t just into you for your looks. And, OMG, guess what? It’s the same for when you are dating women. Just as you would hope that they wouldn’t be shallow, don’t be shallow yourself. Just as you would hope they would be kind and considerate, be kind and considerate to them. Because, male or female, we’re all human beings and expect the same treatment. Okay, now to your last question. (Sensitive readers who are easily offended, you might want to stop reading this now and go read a letter in the Papabear archives because I’m going to be as frank or more so than Dr. Ruth Westheimer ever was. If your first reaction to this is “Eww,” stop reading now). Does anal sex hurt? Not if it’s done right. If it hurt, no one would want to do it LOL. Presenting . . . Papabear’s 7 Tips for Satisfying Anal Sex 1) It is unpleasant to make love to a guy who is not clean. Make sure you clean yourself out well, and this means a good flushing (bottle enema such as that made by Fleet are good, but even better is one for the shower). Clean yourself inside and out thoroughly. 2) Lubricant. It will probably take some time to find one you like (Gun Oil is good IMO), and also to learn that while too little is not good, too much also makes the experience a bit too slip-and-slide. For added comfort, heat up the lubricant in a bowl of hot (not boiling) water. Nothing can chill the moment more than cold lube. 3) CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS. Oh, and did I mention CONDOMS? 4) If you are a virgin (and even if you are not), you might want to experiment a bit with toys at first. This might sound odd, but everyone has slightly different plumbing—meaning, the way your insides are constructed, how wide or narrow, even where the “curves” are. Get to know your insides and you will learn what positions work best for you—on your back, doggy style, on your side, or riding on the lap. 5) When on the receiving end, have your lover begin slowly so you can get used to him before going for the all-out humping :P. As for those on the giving side, you are not a jack hammer stuck on the fast setting. Learn to vary speeds, depth, etc. for a much more erotic experience for both of you. The most sensitive tissues are at the threshold of the doorway, not the basement. 6) Speaking of skill, you might want to have your first experience with someone who is not a virgin and knows what he is doing. There is, IMO, nothing more awkward and uncomfortable than two virgins going at it. You want your first experience to be a good one. 7) Communicate with your lover; don’t be afraid to tell him what you do and do not enjoy and ask him to share with you, as well. Bonus Tip: Did I mention CONDOMS? Good luck! Papabear |
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