Hello Papa Bear!
I know it's kind of late, as Valentine's Day is almost here. But your reply on the 6th spurred me to ask my own question about V-Day. My girlfriend and I are on opposite sides of the country and, after reading your letter, I realized just how much I wish I could do. I've already ordered flowers for her, and I've racked my brain trying to think of other things I could do. Sadly, it's obviously not possible to create a (physically) romantic setting when we're this far apart. So, in a way, this is a question for all the furry readers who ~aren't~ close, distance-wise, to their mates. What should one do to enjoy Valentine's Day to it's fullest extent over a long distance? Thank you for all you do! ~The Hybrid * * * Hi, Hybrid, Yeah, that’s a tough one, especially given the time limitations. If you were, like, Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, you could get in your private jet, then have your chauffeur drive you over with a fist full of roses in one paw and sweep her off her footie paws, but that’s not the case. Fortunately, you and I live in a sophisticated era of technology. One of the advantages of this is that there are great communication options. You can do things like: 1) If you both have Skype (and if you don’t, it’s free, so get it!) you can get online and have a video chat with your loved one. To make it extra special, here’s what you do. Buy a bottle of Champaign, a couple chocolates, and a rose; do the same for your lover (you can have all of these items delivered via a local grocery store). Then have a virtual video date. Turn on some music on your end, share the chocolates and flowers together, toast each other and have a sip of Champaign. Go all out and dress up for your video date so you look nice for her, and pretend you are at a restaurant together. 2) Are you familiar with SecondLife? If so, you could both set up accounts (basic accounts are free) and you can meet each other in a virtual world, go to a virtual cafe, go dancing, and even talk to each other as you do so. It’s almost like being there! 3) On a little more primitive scale, you can simply have a phone date. That’s when you both turn on the same movie and watch it together as you chat (works best with a favorite movie you’ve both seen), or you can writer her a poem or a song and read or perform it over the phone. I did this once; sang to my love, "'Til There Was You." She liked it so much she made me sing it three times :-) (She also liked me doing Pooh singing "I'm Just a Little Black Raincloud" hee hee). 4) Create a “Love Blog” online where you post a bunch of your favorite photos of the two of you, maybe post poems or letters and maybe a list of your hopes and dreams for the future. Add a background soundtrack of your favorite songs. Then send her the URL. Not much time left! So I hope you can use one of these ideas! Happy Valentine’s Day, Papabear
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Dear Pop,
This is kinda new but I guess I'm at a loss and could really use some advice. Recently I’ve been debating whether going back to my old relationship is a good idea or not. It's not that he's a bad guy, it's just there was no real growth because of the way he handled problems. He preferred to handle them along and sort of "bleed it out"; unfortunately that went both ways in his eyes. Whenever I had a problem or anything he didn't really like to talk or help on it, kept saying, "Unless it can be fixed I see no reason to bring it up." It's nice to vent and relax. He was just put back into chemo and is now home; however, he's been acting differently ever since. He wants to talk to me more, he's open about his feelings and ... it scares me. The one side of him bleeding it out was he was strong. To me he was like superman or something and would always be strong for the both of us. He's been through chemo and other treatments before for a few years now and every one up until this one he's always just dealt with the pain on his own and brushed it off. Now I’m worried he's not telling me something. I still care a lot for him and never really did stop loving him, but it's hard to love something that won't grow and now the sudden change. Maybe it's just me being stubborn and wanting to jump right back into this relationship, maybe it's me having a scare factor and wanting to go back to him because I don't want to lose him. I'm just in a really confusing and lost place right now and could really use some help. -Winter * * * Dear Winter, You do sound confused, yes. On the one paw, you didn’t like it when he was really stoic and didn’t change, and on the other you don’t like it now that he is more emotional and has changed. I guess this falls under the “be careful what you wish for” category. You wanted him to change, and now he has, but you miss the strong, stoic guy. You mention he has gone through chemo before, but sometimes a guy can take only so much before he begins to fret about his own mortality. It might not be that this time was any more serious than the other chemo treatments; it’s just that this was the straw that collapsed the camel’s hump. You can’t have it both ways, Winter. You need to accept that he is different now. And, actually, you should be grateful that he is opening up more. At last you will get the chance to peer into his heart and know what his hopes and fears truly are. Instead of being scared and running away, now is the time to try and make your relationship stronger. Talk to him, find out what is on his mind. You say you don’t want to lose him, so be there for him, whatever may come. You want a real relationship? This is what real love and real relationships are about. Being there for the one you love. He fell down on the job before, something you mistook for strength that was actually cowardice; he was running away from problems, but at last he has stopped running. Don’t do what he did by trying to ignore the pain. Be strong. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I need a little help; honestly I don't know I should start, so I'll try it. I just started a new relationship some months ago (9 months exactly) my mate is kind and funny, he always knows how to make me laugh when I have a bad day. We've been sharing so many things and trust each other but recently he has been asking me for sex, I've been telling him "maybe next time" "I'm not ready" and stuff like that. The reason? well, there's something I've been keeping as a secret from him and even from my best friend; it's embarrassing for me to say it but since I've been reading some of the letters published here, I guess I shouldn’t feel that way because you sound like a kind bear who always help other furries in need. I'll say it and hope this won't sound strange or make readers feel uncomfortable: I have two vaginas, that's right, you read it well. Even though it's not a risk for my health, this condition makes me feel like a freak and makes me think that I will never have a normal sexual life. Honestly, I don't know how I'm supposed to tell my mate this or even if I should tell him. I'm so desperate because I'm afraid that if I don't tell him I'll lose him or if I tell him I'll lose him anyway. Mare * * * Dear Mare, What you have is a condition called “uterus didelphys.” It is, obviously, something you are born with in which you have two vaginas, two uteruses, and two of all the other reproductive organs a female normally has. There are other women out there like you, and though the condition isn’t common, there are quite a few cases of it. In your form submission, you mention you are 36 years old. I would hope that, by this time, you have seen a gynecologist and talked to your doctor about your condition. Women with uterus didelphys can sometimes suffer from menstrual pain and sometimes have trouble with pregnancy (a C-section is usually needed when the baby is brought to term), but this is not always the case. Often, women can have normal, healthy lives. That you have waited so long before having a serious relationship with a man to the point you are considering sex tells Papabear how extremely uncomfortable you are with this. People are often uncomfortable whenever they feel “different” from the norm. But there ARE people out there just like you. In fact, here is a good website for you to meet them and get more information: http://uterusdidelphys.webs.com/. Now, about your boyfriend. First of all, you should never allow yourself to be pressured to have sex when you don’t want it. However, if you WANT to have sex with this man, you should not let your condition keep you from having a satisfying sex life. You can approach this two ways: 1) Don’t tell him and just go to bed with him. Chances are he will be so excited he won’t even notice you have two vaginas, though he might briefly wonder why your parts feel a bit different (let’s face it, men are pigs when it comes to sex, LOL—I can say that, because I am one); 2) You can tell him from the get-go about your condition. Tell him that you can have sex like any other woman, it’s just that your parts are a bit different—there is actually a chance that this guy will think it’s pretty cool—just being frank here. If your boyfriend is a good person, he will stay with you no matter what because he loves you. If he leaves you because of this issue, then he is not good boyfriend material anyway. A good mate is a loyal and loving mate. Never let fear make the decisions for you. Be who you are; love with all your heart; love fearlessly. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is part of who you are and, bearing in mind the possible medical side effects you might have (sometimes women with uterus didelphys have problems with miscarriages), you can have a good and healthy life. You’re in your thirties; it is way past time for you to come to terms with it and try and enjoy the life you have been given. Good luck! Papabear Hey, Papa Bear.
Been an entire month since the episode with my Mom... And I'm glad to say that THAT particular problem is solved... But now I have another for you: My mother and sister are dead-set against me going to Pennsylvania, and wish they could stop me, but know that they can't. They are attempting to guilt-trip me into staying here... It just tears my heart to pieces every time they berate me about my choice. They never raise their voices when they talk "with" me (One-sided bloody conversations where I'm too scared to say anything...), but nevertheless, I am wearing thin. I am turning 18 on March Second. The end of my school year is set in June, and I plan on moving out and getting a plane ticket to PA no more than two weeks after school lets out. I'm hunting desperately for a job to supplement my poor savings, and I will gain control of my USAA bank accounts when I turn 18, so my mother can't lord THAT over me. My friend, Who I'll call Quinn here, is willing to give me a place to stay until I'm comfortable enough to be on my own. He is going to help me get a job as well... What I'm trying to say is... I'm moving to Pennsylvania, to Quinn, no matter what, but... My heart tears in two at the thought of losing the support of my family, where ever I may go... I don't know how to keep my family connection alive, If they won't even listen to my side of the story, if they won't even TRY to see things from my view... Trust me, I've tried... Drake Wolfe. * * * Dear Drake, I don’t understand. You say in one breath that you are worried about losing your family support, and in the next you say they won’t listen to you no matter how much you try. To me, that sounds like they don’t support you, so what are you afraid of? Even if they did support you, it is perfectly possible to maintain a relationship with the family when you are away. My mother and I were very close when she was in California and I was in Michigan; now we’re both in the same state, but I still only see her about once a month, yet she is the biggest supporter in my life. Sounds like you have a plan. Finish school; gain control of your life; move to Pennsylvania. You’ll be fine. Good luck! Papabear Papabear,
I have a question that has been eating at me ever since I first realized that I loved the furry community and wanted to always be a part of it for the rest of my life. I have never truly known how to present this furry side of myself to my Father. Let me give you some background on my family and I. I was raised with both my mom and dad, they divorced when I was around 6-7 years old with a rather traumatic experience. (My mother packed the entire house and left, with me. My dad had no idea until he came home to an empty home. I remember asking my mother when my dad would come to the new house and she said, "You're dad is /NEVER/ coming over here!" I saw him a few days later yet the experience was the turning point for the relationship I now have with my mom.) Of course you probably understand that my Mother is a very narcissistic person, she was never there for me. I became reclusive, locked myself in my room and the internet became my only social outlet. So in my solitude I discovered these anthro wolf creatures and they highly intrigued me, I dabbled in role play and for once I felt better. I became this wolf character, like I could progress into a fantasiful new world and make a new name for myself. Be who I really was on the inside. I felt like I had friends, I felt that I /was/ developing and moving forward as an individual. Which was a big thing to me at the time since I was maliciously bullied in school and ostracized. (from kindergarten to the end of my high school experience.) Even the nerdy band kids picked on me and in some instances even laid their hands on me. (hit/smacked me, luckily never in the face.) My dad never knew about my bullying, I felt it was in vain. Every time I tried to talk with my Mother about my issues she would wave me off and go back to her life of not coming home until 2-4 am on the week days, whenever I called her she would drunkenly accuse me of spying on her for my dad. Being a young kid I figured it would be a waste of breath to talk to my dad about it. (my mom also fed me lies about how my dad would react to my bad grades, etc. I became scared to confide in my father. I know better now.) My dad called me every night and made sure I was okay, I stayed with him a lot but I wanted to come back home to be online to draw, roleplay and chat. The only place I felt I could truly express myself. Though as time passed, my fursona grew and changed. She gave me confidence to stand up to my bullies and not long after that I found my niche in Jr. High, I had real life friends for the first time. All thanks to my Fursona and to this day she still gives me great strength and artistic outlet. My mother kicked me out of the house in a rather violent tissy fit on my 15th birthday. (I was used to her tantrums that would come from nowhere, I was her punching bag. She would come downstairs, scream at me then leave. I never took these to heart as she did them so frequently it actually made me laugh. This one was different, a violence I hadn't seen from her since I was five when she tried to punch my dad.) She was screaming that I didn't respect her, yet all I did was play in the backyard with my cousins while the 'grown ups' talked about my brothers wedding. She found it insulting that a 14-15 year old girl would love to sit at a table and stare into space as they discussed color schemes, etc. She tried to slap me, took my phone from my hands and tried to break it before flinging it across the room. I was so shaken I couldn't speak when my dad picked me up (my mom had called him and told him to get me since she was /done/ with me.) and I cried for 7 solid hours when I got to my dads. Though the next morning I felt liberated. My dad was furious and let me stay home from school to go to the office with him. (He has his own construction business with my aunt so I could sit and dink around online or draw then go eat lunch with them.) I underestimated my dad and I learned a big lesson that day. But the whole online thing I was still so wary about. Especially.. -gasp- Furries. Although my dad knew about the character as I would show him my drawings and talk about her story that I had come up with when I was around 10-11. He thought that I had a great imagination and to this day has kept really old stories I had written in the sixth grade. But it began to change when I discovered fursuits. I loved them. So I began to create them. He didn't really say much but I could tell he felt uncomfortable. He never said any negative thing to my face about my fursuits, and it sort of cleared up when I started to take commissions and he found out that I could make money off of it. (I have been making suits now for around 4 years.) About two years ago my uncle was living with us since he was going through a divorce, I had woken up earlier than usual and was about to head up the steps when I started to hear him talk with my uncle about how he just "wants me to drop to stupid furry shit and grow up". It cut me deeply and I only could stare at the floor as his hurtful words sunk in. I don't know whether it was because he was embarrassed, ashamed. I still don't know since I never brought it up but it has always bothered me. He is convinced that the furry fandom is purely perverts and sex maniacs. He has even brought this up to my boyfriend and even though he insists that it's not what it's about my dad refuses to believe him or me (the very slim conversation I had once with him). Now being 19, almost 20 year old woman I feel like I’m living between two worlds and I don't know what to do about it but I know what causes the feeling. I feel like my dad is such a big part of my life and my driving source to be a better well-rounded person, but the actual big part of my personality (furry) is a dark, dirty and disgusting secret that his daughter has. I try to bring up my artwork to talk about what it actually means to me to be furry but he quickly changes the subject. Is he ashamed of me? I don't think so. But he is the type of person that is incredibly stubborn with thinking he knows /most/ of everything. He can admit he is wrong if he researches it out but he wont even talk to me about why I feel I need to be a part of the furry community. I want him to understand that my fursona, my art is a part of my life and always will be. Fursuit making is a passion of mine, I love costume making and even though I’ve told him I don't want to do it as a career (I really want to write.) he can't understand what is fun about it unless it's just obviously a fetish. And now that I’m older, my absolute dream is to go to Anthrocon. I want to be an active role in the community, I don't think I should have to wait until I'm late 20's or even 30's to attend the convention. I feel like there is this choice I must make between the 'real world' and the furry community. He believes that once I can support myself I can do whatever I want, but being a full time student doesn't lend that possibility for a few more years. I tried asking him about going last year but he abruptly cut me off (after trying to get the courage for 57 minutes of driving to the office, it normally takes an hour to reach it.) and sounded quite angry, saying that all I want to do is go to "that gay furry convention" and I've got other things to worry about like school. I was so shocked, it wasn't like him to suddenly snap like that and I started to cry once I got out of the truck. He seemed hurt. I wouldn't really speak or eat and he seemed concerned but the topic never came up again. I understand taking school first before vacationing, but its not just because its a vacation that he is so upset it's the fact that it involves furries. How do I bring up this topic in a mature manner that would open up an actual real conversation about my feelings with this topic? I am so afraid to bring it up, every starting sentence I come up with doesn't sound right so I remain silent. I can't keep feeling like being a furry is an embarrassment to my Father. The man that has cared for me and shown me all the love and support of both parents, that has guided me and even shown unrelenting support to my friends by giving one of them a place to live before he was sent to Basic Training for the Marine Corps. (his parents left him nowhere to live as well. (This is the same boy that my dad had the furry talk with earlier in this letter.) I've been fighting and struggling with this question for so long I’ve finally ruled out just keeping it hidden, it doesn't feel right. My Father and I have such a wonderful relationship yet this feels like a skeleton in the closet when it shouldn't. I apologize for the length of this letter but I feel that every detail is important and necessary to the exact awkwardness of my situation. Is there a certain way I should bring it up? He already knows I'm furry but now it's just addressing why he feels uncomfortable without getting into a weird argument. I don't want to get choked up like I did last time, I want to solve this once and for all and finally feel whole again. What advice do you have for this one confused she-wolf? Keyra * * * Dear Keyra, What a moving, sad, and inspiring story you tell. The more letters I get from readers, the more common seems your story. So many furries have parents who don’t understand them and buy into the hype that the only thing the fandom is about is gay fursuiters yiffing each other. I know you are as frustrated as I am by this prejudice; it gets tiring, sometimes, having to repeat over and over to people that furry is much more than that. Furry is about imagination, a facet of the human condition that is essential to life and that can bring sanity to an insane world. People like your father and mother—each in their way—are victims of a society intolerant of difference, creativity, and, yes, even joy and the ability to reconnect to childhood (I’m reminded of Michael Jackson and how he spent his adult life trying to reconnect to a childhood he was denied). They think life is all about school and work and struggle and pain and money and consumerism and gaining the admiration of your peers and being just like everyone else. Furthermore, most humans have completely lost touch with their animal side, with Nature, and Mother Earth and what is truly spiritual in our lives (not religious, spiritual. There’s a difference). This is what you have created for yourself in your wolf fursona. She is not just a figment of your imagination. She is a part of your spirit you have connected with and who has become a protector. Without her, you may not have survived to adulthood—maybe physically you would have, but not mentally. It is interesting to note that you only gained approval for your furry activities—however briefly—when you showed your father that you could make some money at it. This is the sad state of affairs that most of the human race finds itself in. Nothing matters but money—oh, and power. Humans are way into power, which, not coincidentally, also equates as money. Keyra, you are to be congratulated for surviving your awful childhood with your mother. She could clearly use some psychiatric care, but that is material for another letter. Your father cares about you, which is wonderful, and is very protective of you. His attitude about furry might be compared to a father’s concern if you had gotten involved in a dangerous gang. His prejudice against furries is born of ignorance. I know you have tried to explain why you like furry and have been wonderfully open with him about it. For some reason, he just doesn’t get it or he refuses to try. You and your father both understand that school is important, and I certainly agree with that. However, life isn’t all about school and work. You have to express yourself as an individual and you need to have fun in life, or what is a life for? Life should be enjoyed. Life should be experienced (something your father probably has forgotten). Being an “adult” all the time sucks the joy out of life. We all harbor children within ourselves, and it should be okay to express the joy of childhood, even when we become adults. And the way you experience it is through the fandom. The way to talk to someone like your father is to start on common ground and then add your own personal needs to the discussion. In your heart-to-heart talk, tell him how you love him and how he is a central part of your life. Tell him how much you respect him as a person and as a father. Tell him you agree with him that school and work are important and that you will do your best to make him proud. But then tell him that being a furry is an outlet for your creative expression and that you enjoy it because it is a lot of fun and it is a part of who you are. Ask him if he can please love you for the way you are in the same way that you love him for the way he is. You are all individuals; you are not exactly like your father, and he shouldn’t expect you to be just like him. Tell him how you wish to be a writer and that that is part of your interest in furries (there are many highly respected authors of sci-fi and fantasy who have published award-winning novels with anthropomorphic characters—mention some: everyone from Brian Jacques and Richard Adams to C. J. Cherryh and David Brin.) Inform them that there are many people who have businesses in the fandom, creating art, writing stories, making fursuits, crafting jewelry, even programming online games and hosting amateur radio shows and much more. This is, as you mentioned you desired, a discussion between two adults. You are at an age when you can call yourself an adult, surely. And adult relationships are built on mutual respect. Tell your father you will always be his daughter (of course!) but that you wish to have a more adult relationship and you wish to have your interests respected. He needs to get his head out of the idea that this is about kink. It’s not, not at all. Before your talk, arm yourself with evidence and facts to counter any claims he makes about the fandom. Your father sounds like a good man who has bought into society’s idea of “what is normal.” It won’t be easy, but you need to open his eyes a bit that there is no such thing as “normal.” All that is is people hiding behind façades for fear of being rejected for who they truly are. You don’t want to be a drone; you don’t want to be just another “consumer,” just another number in a computer. You want to be who you really are. Gosh, you’ve got Papabear rambling a bit. I hope what I’ve said makes sense and is helpful. Hugs, Papabear Alright Papabear,
A friend of mine (age 16), a recently converted furry, got herself into some stuff that I warned her away from in the very beginning (yiff). Now, it's mainly because her (also recently converted) ex-mate pressured her into it, but she and him both decided to try it just a little (despite my warnings), they both agreed that it wasn't comfortable. Her problem, or dilemma, I should say, her mum found out, they talked about it and her mum agreed not to tell her father, her mum turned right around and told her dad, causing her to be in major trouble, the got her Internet deleted off of her X-box and she's not allowed on very many websites, also she had her cell phone taken away, thus meaning she didn't get the chance to tell him what was going on. Her dad deleted him off X-box and he got all butthurt about it because she told him that they would always be friends. Now he's not talking to anybody, and she's falling into a state of depression, what's worse is the fact that she's gotten back with her ex-fiancé. She doesn't really know what to do and I'm trying my best to console her but I just don't know what to tell her, can you help me out, please? ~Shadowrunn * * * Hi, Shadowrunn, I have a couple questions about your letter, if you don't mind. 1) are the punishments (taking away the phone, Xbox, etc.) permanent or just temporary bans? 2) why is getting back with her ex-fiancé characterized as "worse"? and 3) when you said they yiffed, does that mean going all the way, or just a bit of naked touching? and how did the mother catch them? Thanks, your answers will help with my response. Papabear * * * Papabear, Well the phone was a temporary ban and he created a new name for his account on Xbox so that's kind of also temporary, as far as the yiff, well they never actually met, which is why she got her phone taken away, it was all role play, but you know how that stuff can cause problems within the family, right? I'm sorry I probably should've mentioned this in the beginning. Also the reason getting back with her ex is because he cheated on her more than once and she no longer really loves him and she's not exactly happy with him. I can see it in the way she talks about both of the boys, and I'm not sure if he can make her happy because he's clingy, I've seen this happen several times before with my mother and I don't want it to happen to her. Shadowrunn * * * Hi, again, Shadowrunn, Okay, so a lot of this seems to be overhyped drama to this bear, on all parties. The parents punishing your friend just seem like they were grounding her for her behavior. There is a lot of concern these days with online predators and such, and they probably took the online yiff as a threat to their daughter (much of this fear is the result of overhyped media crap, but there are dangers with it). A lot of the drama is due to bad choices, engendered by inexperience. Your friend is merely 16 years old and entitled to make mistakes now and then. That is how we learn. Her now-ex-mate is being a typical teenage boy with raging hormones pressuring her to yiff online; the good news is that online yiff is, by definition, the safest sex possible. I was concerned when you first wrote that it was something more serious: actual coitus, as Sheldon Cooper would say. What her parents should do, instead of just punishing her, is sit down and talk to their daughter and explain to her why they are so concerned. This would go a long way toward easing her depression in knowing that they don’t think she is an evil person, but just that they are concerned. You can help, too, by talking to her and explaining that her urges are normal and that she really hasn’t done anything all that serious. Parents seem to think that their sons and daughters can always be good little boys and girls and not have sexual desires. If this had been the days before the Internet, your friend would more likely have been caught making out with a guy, kissing, heavy petting, maybe more. Guys, meanwhile, would likely be caught looking at Playboy centerfolds (usually stolen from their dads’ closets). These days, this stuff can be done online, which, if you think about it, is really a very controlled and antiseptic way of getting a little sexual relief. Anyway, now this girl is making yet another mistake by going back to a boyfriend who cheated on her. Meanwhile, she can’t go back to her now incommunicado other boyfriend (who is also being a drama queen IMO), and maybe she shouldn’t if he’s the kind of guy who pressures her to do foolish things. My advice? She needs to take a break from boyfriends for a bit and focus on herself. She needs to gain a little maturity (duh). She needs to understand that she hasn’t really done anything that awful (despite what her parents have apparently told her) and that she is not a bad person. These are all things you can explain to her, Shadowrunn, and you can reinforce that by saying you think she’s really cool. She needs someone who is on her side, and right now she feels abandoned by her parents and her boyfriend—so much so she’s willing to go back to a guy who is a jerk. Not good. There is a lot of pressure in society for people to have a mate. At 16, she needs to realize that this should be the time for her to discover herself. What are her likes and dislikes? What career might she pursue in life? What are her values? She also needs to get out and just have some fun with friends. At this age, it shouldn’t all be about a desperate need for snogging, as they say in Britain. Oh, sure, kiss a boy once in a while for fun, but good grief, it’s not like you have to go get married any time soon. She needs to gain some perspective and realize that this minor incident is not the end of the world, not the end of her life. It’s just a little bump in the road, a long road that she has yet to travel. In other words, she needs to chill out. At 16, this might seem like the biggest tragedy ever in her life, but believe me, if this is the worst thing that ever happens to her she will have led a blessed life. Help her get this in perspective, Shadowrunn, and you will have done her an immense favor. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I live in the Northeast and Valentine’s Day is coming up fast. I have promised my wife a memorable Valentine’s Day filled with dinner, a hotel room for the night, and a hot tub soak..... The issue I am having now is there have been these..."surprise expenses" that I seem to run into every week I get a paycheck. For example new shoes, replacement cell, and now I am going to need to buy a new belt..... I don’t make a lot of money and what I do make usually is gone by the end of the month. so my question is this....... How do I tell her I may have to take her out for a more memorable night later in the month (or later) without getting into a big fight or crushing her hopes.... I feel so lost and confused because she means a lot to me and I don’t want to see her sad.... -lonely & confused puppy * * * Dear Puppy, It’s wonderful that you care about your wife and wish to make her happy. I’m sure she’s a lovely person, and, as a lovely person, she would love you whether you were a king or a pauper. As your spouse, she must surely also be aware of your income and that things may be tight because of some added expenses. I’m guessing that if you told her honestly what happened and that you are really sorry, she would understand. But, you actually don’t have to disappoint her at all. Here’s what you do:
Takes a lot of effort? Yeah, it does, but you can do all of the above for a very reasonable price while giving your wife what she really wants: your time and love and appreciation and attention. Anyone can take their wife to a restaurant and a hotel. It takes a special guy to really show his wife she is worth a bit more effort than melting a credit card. Have a Happy Valentine’s Day! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I need your help. I used to be social and talkative but now nobody well talk to me. I try to be friendly and show interest in others but I don’t get it back. I feel like I’m being ignored in a community I’ve been apart of for years. Other furs seem so much more interested in my mate and I just don’t know how he does it. (Sorry for any spelling errors. I have APD [note: Papabear often corrects spelling and grammar to make letters easier for people to read]). Thank you -ignored fox * * * Hi, Ignored, A little more detail would be helpful to me before I reply. You say that you to be "social and talkative" but now you feel left out of the community. At what point did this happen? What happened between the time you were more sociable and the time when things changed and you were no longer part of the group as much? Did it happen when your mate came into the picture? Some other event? Thanks for your help. Papabear * * * This started happing about 3 years ago when people started switching to Facebook from MySpace and I lost contacted from some of my best fur friends on it. I don’t know what happened but people just stopped replying to me and I try to talk to others and I just got ignored. I even tried talking to random furs to help me be more social but I just keep getting ignored. After each failed attempt at trying to talk to furs I start getting a little more depressed and discouraged from trying to talk to others. I’m natural super shy and it just makes things worse it takes a lot from me to try to talk to a stranger. I just feel like I’m back in school again because of the popular kids ignoring and making fun of me. Ignored * * * Okay, just to be sure: this might not be happening because of some software program or browser error, could it? Could there be a technical reason why you aren't getting replies? Just as a thought.... Papabear * * * Sadly no everything gets sent. * * * Hi, Ignored, This is indeed a puzzling situation. If you were being ignored by people who had been your friends currently, I would guess that some kind of clique had formed and that it didn’t include you, OR that when you switched from MySpace to Facebook, somehow, people thought you were snubbing them and decided to block you (such miscommunications and drama are common). The problem with these theories is that you are also being ignored by new people you just met, which makes no sense. Adding to the riddle is that you once had no problem talking with people online and now you do; also, as far as I know from your letter, nothing happened in between those times that might have caused drama. Papabear is genuinely puzzled by this one. One disturbing possibility is that someone out there has put the word out online to ignore you, and that this message has somehow effectively been read by every single person you try to communicate with. Again, though, this seems very unlikely. Another possibility is that you aren’t telling me something, such as you have a tendency to be mean to everyone you talk to, but, again, that doesn’t seem the case and, also, at one point you had no issues with online chat. On the other paw, your mate seems to be having no problems with socializing. At this frustrating point, if I were you, I would ask for his help in getting you back into the social scene, even if that means piggybacking on his popularity. If he’s a good mate, he should be happy to help. For the first time since starting this column, Papabear is quite perplexed. I’m going to also put a call out to my readers for help. Anyone have any thoughts about Ignored’s problem? Maybe, you could even befriend this poor furry? Papabear Hello there Papabear!
First off I would like to say that it is awesome there is an advice column for furs by a fur. I've considered Dear Abby in the past, but I'm not sure a non-fur would be able to figure out how to help me. A bit about myself, I'm a 27 and was recently (and officially) diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and ADD/ADHD. My therapist was surprised that I survived as long as I did without medication or seeking prior help. Mostly I had to motivate myself through depression and hard times, especially a royally nasty divorce. I graduated high school with honors and the prestigious American Legion Award for organizing a fundraiser for American Cancer Society in high school. It was quite successful, their goal of $100,000 went far beyond, netting between $300,000 to $500,000 dollars for cancer research. Currently I am a college student who was inducted to Phi Theta Kappa while attending for an art major. I switched from electronics as math beyond algebra becomes perplexing to me with it's contradictory logic (a+b=c, but not if a is equal to c D:>). I am currently the proud uncle of healthy baby boy, it's been a challenge to deal with as it can be stressful when he starts crying. I really don't have a question, but rather a quandary. I during the time of the divorce, my mom ran into trouble with church. Mostly she was blamed for my dad’s infidelity, though I knew the truth having spent countless nights praying he would come home safe with my mom. Faith has always seen me through rough times, so when my mom was excommunicated I decided to drop the doctrine (lose the middleman) and seek God on my own level. I understand that there is a higher force at work, one that goes beyond my own understanding of the world. I've seen the many wonders from the anatomy I studied to improve my art to the very stars I would see in my telescope. It's a humbling sight to see the rings around Saturn or the moons circling Jupiter! But here in the South, if you ain't in "X" church you're burning in Hell. Work isn't really a place for religion or so I'm told, but one time I had a boss rip into me because I wasn't in church every Sunday. Mostly likely that was part of the reason I was let go, the other might be because of how slow I process things (I'm getting better lol). But I was shocked that a boss would say something like that to his employee. I should have known when the mechanic quickly rolled his eyes when the sermon began. Again, I'm not good at picking up most social cues like I am now. He pretty much condemned to hell and berated me in front of the other workers. Even in college we had folks from local churches recruiting for their youth groups. I wasn't particular interested, truth be told I got a bit frightened that they wanted my personal info. My friend was a Baptist and got a bit offended that I wasn't going to be part of his group. Later at my new job, I apparently was indoctrinated into being a Christian (was raised Catholic) by reading a prayer provided by a fellow coworker. I merely did it so she wouldn't get offended, but I kind of regret having to people please just to keep a touchy subject at bay. Well Papabear, I grow weary of people's antics about religion and what's the one true path they believe I should follow. In my own belief, I believe there is no greater Hell than the one we create for ourselves, so I would love to drop this ball and chain once and for all. I don't like being guilted into doing anything I don't feel comfortable with, and I'm tired of being the bad guy. What would be a proper way of handling this? Any suggestions? Very Sincerely, R-Complex P.S. Thanks for taking the time do make this column happen. :D I believe it's a positive thing you do. * * * Dear R-Complex: Thanks for your kind words about my column. I try my best to answer everyone’s questions objectively and helpfully. Your questions and experiences are similar to mine over the years and you, like me, have come to question why people professing to be Christians—a religion about love and forgiveness—act with so much unkindness toward other human beings, whether or not they are also Christians. Sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, religion-wise. You came from a Catholic home and you are living in the South, where there are a lot of rather extreme Christians, such as the Southern Baptists (I’m familiar with both denominations). My husbear comes from a Catholic background and explained to me that, while it doesn’t happen as much these days, the Church can excommunicate you for a divorce, though they might not if you have a lot of money that you give to them on a regular basis. Sounds like that’s what happened to your mom. Now the Catholics are not such sticklers on attendance as the Baptists, who really get pissed off at you if you don’t attend services every Sunday (as you noted, they tend to threaten you with an eternity of burning in Hell. I loved the episode of The Big Bang Theory where Amy makes a comment on this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8g9OszJFIzg). If you could prove your boss fired you because you didn’t attend church, you would definitely have a legal case against him; but if he comes back and says it was because you were slow, then that would be the end of that. You sound like an intelligent person who can think for himself. You’ve overcome the disability of ADHD to excel in school and, not only that, work to benefit your fellow man. A lot of religious people can’t understand that. They cannot comprehend that people are able to live and achieve without the Church, and that, quite frankly, makes many of them furious. Some might even say that you must be in cahoots with the Devil to be able to do things without giving the Church it’s cut ... er, 10% tithe. Now, before I get a lot of hate mail, let me say, as I have done before, that churches have done a lot of good and charitable work, and there are a lot of good religious people out there whose hearts are full of sincere love. My belief, really, is that such people would have been good anyway, but they were brought up in a religious atmosphere and became good people under the Church that way. A lot of my readers may disagree with me, and I completely respect that. These are just my opinions and that does not in any way make them the Gospel truth. These are my conclusions after spending 47 years on this planet. You, R-Complex, seem to be heading down the same path. You recognize that you don’t need a church and a religious organization to have a personal relationship with God (much as the Gnostics taught before the Catholics wiped them out). So, your question is how do you deal with these people always foisting their beliefs on you and telling you that you are a bad person if you don’t believe as they do. Good question. Well, one way would be to move someplace with more liberal views, such as New York, San Francisco, or Los Angeles. Places where they don’t judge you based on your marital status or how often you attend church. But, if you can’t get away from the self-righteous, you have to set up a confident front. There is little chance of your educating or enlightening people with deeply-entrenched religious values, so don’t even bother. You deal with their opinions and pressure by being confident in your own spiritual values. This way, you won’t be guilted into doing things, like you did when you were cajoled into reading that prayer. People often do things in life not because they want to but because they wish to be accepted into their social groups. Once you realize that you can never reconcile your personal beliefs with theirs, no matter how you might try, you can be your own person. I have come to a point in my life, for instance, where if somebody looks me in the eye and tells me I’m going to Hell for not being a Christian, it doesn’t fluster me in the least. Don’t apologize for your beliefs. Ironically, when they do this to you, do what Jesus did and turn the other cheek. When someone says you’re a godless heathen, tell them, “Well, this godless heathen loves you anyway and wishes you a happy and healthy life.” It’s interesting to see them try and figure out a comeback for that one. Each time you are faced with hate and fear, confront it with love and acceptance. Accept that these people have certain views that you don’t hold true, and know that this in no way should affect what you believe. You’ve worked hard to be where you are today. Your spiritual views have also been hard-won. You have earned them and no one has the right to take them away from you. If there was a question somewhere in your letter, I hope there is an answer somewhere in mine. May Grandfather Bear watch over you, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I just discovered this website and I thought it was an amazing place to come and get a few things off my chest. You mention limiting to one question at a time, so hopefully this letter will do that. I have to ask a bit about my mateship with Anakar. Anakar and I have been mated for going on 4 years (this May) and we were together up until July of last year. Financially speaking, things had stopped working out. With my health problems I've had in the past I had worried about getting a job and then suffering more health problems that would keep me out of work or worse, fired. I never really tried looking for a job and the only one I had while living with him ended with termination after three months on a bullshit claim that I was more than surprised even came about (nobody misses an Andrew Jackson when they take in change, so you can't be over twenty dollars over in the register). At any rate, the health problem is intermittent but recurring inevitably, as Crohn's Disease does. But my mate was always supportive of me. He always told me to do what I thought I should do, to be happy, and to not worry about everything as long as he had things under control. Well, he didn't expect his job would execute his hours until we were looking at having to evict ourselves from our house. We hadn't expected that and when it came to the wire, our families refused to help us for the obvious relationship issue (both families believe our significant other "teases" and "demeans" us, and both think we could do better). After a couple of months in the same town, but apart, as he was living with friends and I with my dad, I decided to move out of state to live with my other side of the family to hopefully get a job. I got a job, and my mate moved in with his family in a different state, putting us almost 8 hours apart in travelling distance. Our love is strong, and we're confident that we'll make it through, or so my mate says. However, I have doubts. My mate is a hard worker, and he is pulling all his weight to get us back together as soon as possible, which he hopes will be the end of this year, possibly sooner if I work hard on my end too (which I have tried and will probably submit a second letter later on about). But my problem is the fact that we are so far apart, and that with money so tight it may be impossible for us to meet up. He says that we'll pull through it, that everything will work out in the end, and as much as I want to believe him, I still have doubts. I still worry that we won't. And it's all because I worry I won't be able to succeed. I have so many questions about life, so many problems with how things have to go, and yet he deals with it like he always has, and it mystifies me how he can go through it and not crack under the pressures I feel. I guess my question is this: If Anakar is so confident we'll be together, so industriously trying to make it so that we can be, why do I doubt myself so much? That is to say, why do I feel like I can't meet him halfway and just bear with the pain of not being with him for more than a year just so that we can be together again? I feel so lost without him, he's the reason I wake up every day, and the hope in my heart, but every day without him feels so empty and it feels like without him there isn't anything good in my life. Please write back, Wolfie Braxton * * * Dear Wolfie, First of all, you are to be congratulated for finding such a loving and loyal mate as you have in Anakar. From what you have written here, he sounds like a wonderful person and you should thank your lucky stars each and every day that he is in your life. You might have seen in some of my other letters to readers how I am not very fond of the long-distant, virtual relationship. Your case is different, however. You have lived together and enjoy living together, and you have plans to live together again in the future. What is happening now is simply a temporary setback until you get back on your footie paws again. Anakar knows this and is working hard to be with you again in the near future. So, why is he doing so well with it and you are not? First of all, I’m sure he is suffering inside as much as you; I’m sure he misses you desperately. The difference is, frankly, that he is made of stronger stuff than you are. Why might this be? It could be—though you don’t say anything about this in your letter—that you have had some bad relationship experiences before Anakar and worry this might happen again. It could be that you simply lack some self-confidence compared to Anakar, that you doubt that you are good enough for Anakar and wonder if your being apart might not tempt him to find someone else. It could be that you feel guilty how your health problems may have exacerbated the financial struggles that eventually forced the two of you to move. It could be that you listen too much to your negative family and how they criticize your mate. But that is all sheer speculation on my part. There is no worse enemy in our lives than the trolls that whisper inside our minds. They are full of lies and fear and self-deprecations. What you need to do is learn to shut them off and look at the reality of your world. Has Anakar ever let you down? Has he ever gone back on his word? Has he ever lied to you or done something deliberately mean to you? Has he ever hurt your feelings? Has he ever given you the slightest hint that he would rather not be with you? My guess is that the answer to all of these questions is a big fat “NO!” Now, what I want you to do is a little mental exercise: each night, as you lay your head down on your pillow, I want you to picture in your mind a shooting gallery. In this gallery are a bunch of ugly, green, warty, smelly, flatulent trolls. Each troll has a sign on his chest. Signs like “Loser,” “Fear,” “Doubt,” “Guilt,” “Blame” and so on. I want you to create in your mind some massive weaponry that you can grip in your paws and load with high-caliber bullets. Then I want you to picture these greasy, slimy, insulting trolls jumping around, trying to get away. But they can’t. You aim your gun and blast away. Each one you hit explodes in a cloud of cow farts and pickle juice, making you laugh. Shoot away. Blast those little trolls until they are just green puddles on the ground. Keep at it they are all gone, then relax and go to sleep. Do that every night until they are gone for good. It sounds silly, but it is a mental exercise that can actually help you. These trolls are just illusions, not reality, and just as fictional are all your fears and doubts. Eliminate them. Hold on to your love of Anakar. He sounds like the catch of a lifetime. Even though he is far away, he is very much in your life and a part of you. And he will return to your loving arms just as soon as he can. Hugs, Papabear |
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